"I hate it."
Shepard watched as Kaidan plucked disdainfully at the white, black and orange armor. She'd dug out some spare armor from Jacob's armory collection and had spent the morning with Kaidan in her cabin, helping him get dressed to see if it would fit. His leg was better now, his limp almost gone. She didn't deny to herself that it made her unreasonably happy. Soon, it would be just like the days on the SR1, missions with Kaidan, Garrus and Tali by her side.
The little black dog that had seemed to chase her around since she woke up, pulling her thoughts and self-esteem down into a black pit of loathing, now appeared to have finally lain down and died. For the most part, anyway.
She thought happily, as she pulled the armor over Kaidan's head, (ruffling his hair adorably) of Samara, Kasumi and the rest of the friends on the new SR2 squad she'd made, and how maybe it could be just as good as the SR1.
The Illusive Man didn't seem so abrasive these days, even…proud of her help with some small Cerberus missions, helping people in trouble. Shepard, despite her resistance, felt a tiny glow in her stomach at his praise. It made her sick, of course. But while she was working for Cerberus, she may as well do some good.
Miranda was being downright kind to her. Shepard was even beginning to rely on EDI's ever-present help and she was starting to see the benefits of AI. The crew was starting to work smoothly together, barring a few small issues. Even Kelly was pulling her weight and her sickly sweetness was fading. She always had a morning coffee and neatly organized emails waiting for Shepard when she padded down to the galaxy map for her duty. And she damn well loved morning coffee. Kaidan was terrible at making coffee for her…
"Oh, come on," she smiled at his expression, and patted him on the shoulder, "You look handsome. Rugged, even."
He raised an eyebrow at her unconvinced, "You're buttering me up."
Combined with his messed up hair, he looked hopelessly ruffled and put out. Shepard couldn't help laughing at him this time and his expression sunk further.
"Ok, ok. I'm sorry," she said and muffled her giggles with a hand over her mouth, "Just stop pouting; you look like an overgrown schoolboy. I'm not buttering you up!" she protested and examined him again. The armor was bulkier than he was used to, heavy weave and thick ablative pieces. He looked different, but she thought it worked well for him, "You look great. And you do need armor."
"It's Cerberus armor, Shep," he said, gesturing to himself. He started jerkily ripping it off again and she took pity on him, gently helping him with his chest piece.
"I know," she soothed, "but it's all we have. Your leg is nearly better and I want you by my side again on missions." She paused and looked away, fussing with his removed chest piece, "I mean, that is if you want to be there…"
Kaidan placed a hand over hers on the armor, "Of course I do."
Shepard swallowed, suddenly unaccountably relieved. Everything was so new, and yet ancient between them. They slept side by side again, curled into each other and made love like they were on a honeymoon, but sometimes talking was difficult. Their conversations were like minefields, filled with explosive subjects like 'Her Death, 'The Alliance' and 'Cerberus.'
Shepard's rules were working, and they kissed and comforted each other like the issues between them didn't exist. But she didn't know how long that would last…they had never been great at regs.
Well…
She hadn't anyway. She'd never been much good at relationships either, until Kaidan.
Shepard stopped fussing with the armor and grabbed the collar of his undershirt, kissing him fully on the mouth. Everything was just a little bit easier with him here, her cabin not so large and lonely. His clothes were scattered through it, her bed sheets smelt like his aftershave, his razor was on her bathroom sink. Suddenly, the world made perfect sense for the first time since she had returned to life.
Eventually she pulled away, traced a hand across his cheek and said, "You were chomping at the bit to come with me to help Jacob and Zaeed. As soon as you can keep pace with the rest of us-"
"I'll be there. Chakwas says it'll only be a few more days until I'm fully healed. It feels weird not being there with you," Kaidan frowned and tucked a piece of messy hair behind her ear, "Zaeed was completely out of control on Zorya."
Shepard shook her head, displacing the piece of hair again, "And I brought him under control and broke his fucking jaw for good measure. Everything was fine. I know you don't like him, but this isn't the Alliance, like you said before." Shepard sighed when his frown only deepened, "They need handling differently and I can do it. Zaeed respects me in the only way he knows, crude comments and battlefield loyalty. I know what it's like dealing with-"
"A gang?" he cut in. "This isn't the Reds, Shepard. These people are more dangerous. I worry about you."
"Kaidan, danger is danger." She piled his discarded armor pieces into her arms and started stowing them in her armor closet for later as she said over her shoulder, "On the streets there is no difference in grades of it. You live or you die."
Kaidan started picking up some of their discarded clothes from last night from the bedroom floor, worrying his hands at one of her shirts. She walked over to him and gently took it from his hands as she said quietly, "You don't need to worry about me…but you do need armor, if you're gonna watch my back. Besides…you know, not everything made or done by Cerberus is evil."
She watched his eyes narrow as the words fell from his mouth, "Yes, it is."
Shepard reeled back, stung. The words shouldn't hurt, but they did. And they hurt all the more coming from him. Of all people, to think her somehow tainted after being…made by Cerberus. Rebuilt, destroyed and created again.
His eyes widened in contrition as he realized just how his words sounded, "I'm sorry…I uh, you know I didn't mean it like that."
"I know," Shepard sighed. She was being oversensitive. "Still hurts a bit though. I-I…I hated myself for a while there, this body." She looked down her body, observing the little changes. "I could barely stand to look in a mirror…"
"You're the same, Shep." He said gently and padded across to take her hand in his. She looked into his amber eyes and wished she could believe him.
"That's a kind lie," she smiled, "No; I know you felt it too. You've seen me naked. My skin is different. I've lost weight. I've put on weight on parts I never had before. My freckles are messed up. I want the old me back."
"You are the old you. I know it…" Kaidan drew up her hand and placed it on the left side of his chest, covered it with his own palm, right over the gentle thump of his heart, "in here."
Shepard closed her eyes, comforted a little, and leaned forward to press her head on his shoulder, his arms wrapping around her back.
"Do you think our lost time, our lost relationship, can ever be made up for?" she whispered but was interrupted before he could answer.
EDI had work for her. Their gentle morning was over.
"Shepard, the Illusive Man would like to speak to you in the briefing room."
"Information is my weapon, Shepard. You just do what I tell you and get the job done."
Shepard sighed internally. The Illusive Man had somehow intercepted a turian distress beacon; they had miraculously disabled a Collector ship. A neat little ball of hot anxiety settled into her stomach. God, she hated Collector ships…
She crossed her arms over the Cerberus jacket she wore, rustling the fabric, and narrowed her eyes at the older man, "You think this Collector ship will have information on how to get through the Omega 4 relay?"
"Yes." His eyes glowed with embers as he puffed his cigarette, "Once aboard, establish a connection with EDI, it will mine the data for information."
"She will. Fine," Shepard nodded, not liking his plan. But if she was brutally honest with herself, she had no better ideas for gathering intel on the Relay.
She turned to step off the QEC pad but he called out to her and she paused.
"One more thing, Shepard." His cold eyes raked down her body, and she shivered. He seemed to look right through her, like he knew all her secrets and lies. He probably did, she thought ruefully. Kaidan said he had been spying. "I know you like to play ignorant but I know who you have aboard the Normandy. I know what you're trying to do and it won't work."
Shepard's heart started to beat quicker, her lips drying as she said, "What?"
"Kaidan Alenko." The Illusive Man sneered, "He's on my ship."
"My ship."
"It's on loan to you." He waved a hand, unconcerned with her assertion of ownership and continued, "I did not approve him to come aboard."
"I wasn't aware I needed your approval." Shepard frowned angrily, "He's going to help us fight the Collectors."
"Are you sure about that?" He asked with a doubtful raise of his eyebrows, "Is that why he's really there? You and I both know he is an Alliance man through and through. He won't betray them."
"I'm not asking him to," she protested. She wasn't really. He wasn't deserting his post. Anderson had let him join up with her.
'But for how long?' A cruel little voice asked in the back of her mind. She firmly told it to shut up.
"When you were still comatose, we explored the possibility of adding him to the dossiers for recruitment." The Illusive Man paused for another puff and a small knowing grin, "We were aware of your previous…shall we say ties? But every single psych eval flagged him as unsuitable to work for Cerberus."
"He's not working for anyone." She felt like she could scream. Everyone had to get hung up on labels for what they were doing. Why couldn't it just be fighting the Collectors? Not this factional bickering. "He's helping me."
"Because you are in a sexual relationship," he answered flatly and picked up a glass of whiskey, swirling the ice around to clink in the silence.
Shepard was so sick of him and his burning star out of the window. Just when she thought he wasn't as bad as everyone accused him of being he would say something to get under her skin, something to remind her of the power he held over her.
She knew she was playing a confusing and dangerous game of loyalties, but didn't know how to read the rules or even who her allies were.
Except for Kaidan.
"No, no," she stammered. "T-that's not all. That's not the only reason he's here."
"He's a massive security risk just waiting to happen. He's compromised you in the past and he'll compromise you again."
"Compromised?" Shepard re-crossed her arms, not sure how to handle the turn of the conversation. She felt like she was scrabbling for some control, some leverage in front of him. "No, he hasn't-"
"Hasn't he?" he asked slyly. "He's only ever made you weaker, Shepard. And you need to be strong to fight the Collectors. I want him off my ship and back with the Alliance, this mission cannot afford your distraction. Any distractions."
"That's not gonna happen." She said firmly, "He's staying here."
"Then you'd better turn him into a Cerberus agent or your mission will fail." The Illusive Man shrugged matter-of-factly. "You need the loyalty of your whole crew and I'm not confidant you have his."
"'Turn him'?"
"Use your charms, use your influence over him, use sex." He sipped his whiskey as Shepard listened with horror. "Use his feelings, whatever does it."
Shepard swore, suddenly furious with his gall, "You're out of line!"
The Illusive Man shrugged, "My apologies. I didn't mean to be so crude. But you can't deny that he needs to be focused on your mission. This isn't a pleasure cruise."
"He told me you've been spying on him: why?"
"He's an asset to the Alliance. We keep tabs on assets."
"For what purpose?" She shrugged her arms, unable to see beyond his maneuverings, "Why were you spying on us on shore leave, years ago?"
"An unfortunate side effect of our surveillance." He made a face that seemed sincerely regretful to Shepard, "We were going to approach you to join Cerberus; we wanted to evaluate your suitability. Both of you. You're both uniquely talented biotics, Cerberus has an interest in them. I apologize if you felt violated."
"Oh." She said, mollified slightly, "You can't spy on us."
"Cerberus has only ever done the best for humanity. We save lives. We do things when people don't have the courage. I won't be sorry for that."
"I do have a right to privacy," she protested.
"You're a soldier. Your duty is to serve humanity. Privacy goes out the window. You'll come to understand this. You want to protect people, no?" He asked and she nodded, "Then do your job and explore the Collector ship."
Shepard felt the implicit dismissal and turned to leave again. She didn't know what to say, he seemed to have wrested control of the conversation.
"And Shepard?" He called, "I want Alenko to renounce Alliance ties or get off the ship. This is not negotiable. I am a reasonable man and you would both be valuable agents to me. I will give you full privileges, carte blanche to run ops the way you want. Unlimited funding." She stopped again, shocked with his offer. "All you have to do is fully join our organization."
The Illusive Man stood from his chair, his eyes alive with star-fire and burning drive and ambition. Shepard stood awestruck at his charisma as he began, "I know we've had differences of opinion but you're a talented and resourceful woman. Cerberus has all the resources you'll ever need and incentives that you'll be very interested in." He began pacing and she couldn't help considering his offer. The Alliance wasn't easy…
"You must realize if you go back to the Alliance they will not allow you to serve with him and continue a sexual relationship. You'll be court martialed for standing up to the Collectors, for saving lives. Punished for your remarkable bravery." His eyes gleamed, and the ball in Shepard's stomach burnt hotter, "They'll rip you apart...especially if certain things come to light, like the fact you were fraternizing on the SR1. His career would be over and from what I know of the Staff Commander, he has precious little aside from that."
"Is that a threat?" she said through a tight, closed up throat.
"No. It's a friendly warning. I don't control my agents with an iron fist. You would have certain…freedoms in your job. I would promote you to my premier agent, my right hand woman. He could be your XO."
"I'll, uh…," she fumbled, confused. One minute he spoke to her like an old friend, the next a reluctant enemy. She didn't understand what he was doing. "I'll talk to Kaidan about it. This crew is…good."
"You'll soon see that you owe everything to Cerberus, Shepard."
She stepped off the pad to go put her armor on, feeling even worse and conflicted than she had speaking with Kaidan this morning.
How could she ask him to let go of the Alliance?
The Collector ship was massive, the Normandy dwarfed. Shepard watched with Kaidan by her side in the cockpit. Her grip was tight on the leather seats and she had to painfully prise them off lest they cramp.
Beside her, Kaidan made a funny noise in the back of his throat. He wasn't coming with her this time, his leg still making him less swift then her regular squad. Garrus and Samara were coming instead.
"What?" she asked, glancing at him. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he said roughly, "Yeah, I'm fine." Shepard thought he didn't look very fine at all, a thin sheen of sweat on his brow. "It's just…brings back bad memories," he continued, "I watched that ship jump away after it murdered you."
Shepard started, quickly looking out the windows as they flew closer. Her heart began pounding, a pulse in her ears suddenly deafening.
Oh, but it hurt to die.
"It's…it's not the same one," she mumbled.
"It sure looks like it." Kaidan said, as his eyes fixed on the strangely organic looking ship. "I spent hundreds of hours poring over whatever data I could find out about it. So I could…"
Shepard looked at the set of his jaw, the burn of anger in his eyes and gently asked, "So you could what?"
"Give you some justice." His voice quiet, he turned from the window, his eyes locked on hers. "Give you some peace. So I could take a deep breath without it hurting. Just one."
"Kaidan…"
"Don't worry about it," he rasped, a strained smile forced on his face for her benefit.
In the pilot seat Joker snorted but said nothing. Shepard sighed. They still wouldn't speak to one another. At least, not civilly…
Just another problem she didn't know how to solve. And they used to be such good friends.
As Joker pulled closer to the ship, Kaidan followed her down to the shuttle bay, Garrus and Samara already gathered by the shuttle.
"Alright, guys. You ready?" she called, hardening herself for the mission ahead. She was not Kaidan's soft 'Shep' anymore. She was hard, she was rough, and she was Grunt's Battlemaster, Garrus' mentor and Samara's biotic warrior. She was violent and she was damn well itching to kill some Collectors.
Her squad nodded and clambered into the shuttle, as Shepard turned to join them, she felt his hand gently grab her arm, holding her back.
"Be careful…" Kaidan pleaded gently, his eyes creased in worry. He tugged her a little closer, his mouth slanted down towards hers, and she was going to kiss him for luck, but out of the corner of her eye she saw Garrus in the shuttle.
Shepard turned her head at the last moment, Kaidan's lips landing on her cheek. He kissed her there and pulled back, confused.
"No." she whispered. "Not in front of Garrus."
Kaidan nodded once in understanding and Garrus called to her, "Let's go, Shepard. I've got your back, as always."
Shepard knew that was another dig at Kaidan and felt like tearing her hair out in frustration. Sometimes she felt like the Commander of a middle school, or perhaps a Mom of a bunch of badly behaved kids who suddenly brought a new boyfriend home.
Kaidan let go of her arm and she joined them in the shuttle. She didn't look away from his brown eyes until she slammed the shuttle door shut.
She was terrified. The Collector ship was eerily quiet, oozing honeycomb-like walls and dead colonist remains. Not just remains though, they were…soft, like they were half-decomposed and moldering.
Some of them wore phoenix armor and she thought of Ash. Poor dead Ash, she thought macabrely. Poor dead Ash she had left behind to die, selfish, selfish, selfish.
Her grip on her pistol was firm though and her hands did not shake. She was not going to show anyone that she was afraid of this stupid fucking ship.
It had taken her life, dogged her footsteps, but it would not take her dignity or the respect of her peers.
EDI found a data point as they made their way through the deserted ship. Shepard felt like vomiting at the dead Collector sprawled there and doubly so when EDI told her that the Collectors were once Protheans.
She felt a tremor in her fingers, a tightness in her stomach, an ache in her bad arm and knew that this was what she feared above all else the Reapers could inflict: Corruption, the distorting and loss of self-possession, the utter destruction of control and all that you once were.
Husks were bad enough…but these things? They were monstrous. Shepard suddenly longed for Kaidan's steady presence. He never seemed to let things like this get to him.
EDI continued and Shepard pulled herself out of her fit of terror, burying the fear. She'd eat a bullet before anyone did this to her.
"There are also isolated fragments of your DNA in here, Shepard."
"Mine?" she croaked, shocked.
"Yes." EDI's voice echoed through her hardsuit comms and Shepard bent over the Collector console, looking but not really seeing it, "It is likely they developed an interest in you as the only person to defeat a Reaper. It appears they are working backwards, reverse engineering, and constructing a genome from an incomplete sample of your DNA."
Shepard frowned, "For what purpose?"
"Experiments; like the ones they have been performing on Collectors and other humans." Shepard's hands began shaking then and there was a tremor down her spine. How close had she been to waking up in a Collector lab, instead of Cerberus'?
EDI continued, "Likely to clone or determine which of your traits allowed you to defeat a Reaper and replicate them in a twisted form of life. It is also likely this is why they tried to obtain your corpse from the Shadow Broker."
She met Garrus' worried eyes through his helmet and paced a little as she asked, "Where would they get some of my incomplete DNA from?"
"It does not appear to be actual material samples; rather they are a partially transcribed genotype that they are reconstructing from artificially constructed nucleotides." Shepard's eyes began glazing and she wished EDI had a 'Shepard Speak' button.
"Ordinarily, if they had access to your corpse two years ago they would have harvested your ovum and used your genetic material with increased mutations, gradually, with the goal of removing chromosomes and making a docile creature with your strengths," EDI paused slightly and even Shepard thought she might be disgusted with the experiments, "but any free-will replaced with cybernetics as were the Prothean race. Data indicates they were making a husk-like creature but with biotic abilities, strategic planning and more intelligence."
"Oh god," Shepard muttered, terrified. That she understood.
"It is possible, though unlikely, that the Shadow Broker took DNA samples from your corpse." Shepard had forgotten about that, how Liara had saved her, exactly what she'd saved her from. "Cerberus is not aware that you were tampered with however, Dr Liara T'Soni recovered you quickly. Alternatively..."
Shepard suddenly felt guilty for her anger on Illium at Liara. Who knew exactly what horror she had saved her from?
"EDI, I'm not a scientist. I'm stupid, ok," she said roughly, looking away from Garrus and Samara as her cheeks went pink. "I don't understand. Just bottom line this for me: what 'alternatively'?"
"There was a leak from one of Cerberus' projects concerning you."
"Great." Shepard bit off a curse. "How would Lazarus information leak? Which one, how many cells worked on me? I thought it was just the one."
"I do not know," EDI said, a note of uncertainly in her synthetic voice, "Indoctrination is possible. Or double agents for the Shadow Broker within the organization."
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked hopefully, deeply disquieted. "I don't want them having information about my body…or making evil Collector versions of me."
"I will delete it as best I am able. Though information may have already leaked to the Reapers."
"Just do your best." Shepard nodded gratefully; aware EDI couldn't see her but overwhelmed with affection for the AI, "Good. Let's move on to the central chamber." She motioned Garrus and Samara on, "This place is givin' me the heebie jeebies. Fuck."
She was glad Kaidan wasn't here really; it would have broken him to see the dead colonists, stuffed into the awful pods.
God knows, it hurt her.
Of course it was all a trap, she thought furiously as they tore through the ship, exits suddenly swarming with husks and scions and abominations. They had to fight fiercely to make it off the platforms as EDI downloaded the data they had come for.
She was fucking going to murder the Illusive Man. He had sent them right into a trap on purpose!
Joker reported that the ships weapons were coming back online and Shepard's heart stopped. If they didn't get out in time…Joker would have to abandon them or the Normandy would be destroyed again.
No. No. No, her mind screamed, visions of her crew, of Kaidan meeting the same fate she had suffered two years ago.
Terror and disgust clawed their way up her throat but she dealt with it by swinging her arms wide, throwing husks and Collectors around like rag dolls, smashing their bent, skittery bodies into walls.
The thing called Harbinger was there, dogging her steps across the battlefield. Samara had to work with powerful biotics fields to keep him off of her. Shepard thrust a hand at him, a biotic smash throwing him away from her.
"Oh piss off and shut up!"
"YOU CANNOT HIDE HIM, SHEPARD. WE WILL TAKE WHAT IS OURS. YOUR BODY IS MINE."
"I'm not hiding anything!" she screamed, furious, and blew the head off a Collector with her pistol. "Tell your Reaper masters to go suck a dick!"
"WE ARE YOUR GENETIC DESTINY."
She and Samara stuck together, the asari a bizarre comfort for reasons she couldn't vocalize. Garrus stayed just behind them, sniping what they could not Throw aside as they ran through the halls.
EDI was the only reason they made it out alive, her quick hacking of the doors preventing them from being bottlenecked. The Praetorian they had encountered in a central chamber had thrown her into a wall with the force of his attack and for a moment she had seen stars and knew her face would be bruised. Samara leaked blood onto her pretty headband. She hoped Kaidan was not in the cockpit, she hoped he was ignorant of their peril. He worried too much.
"Shepard, let's move!" Garrus barked to her. She had been hunched by a wall, reloading her pistol.
Shepard growled, playfully, ignoring the jackhammer in her chest, the wail of husks. "I'm movin' Gar, why don't you quit being such a turian nag?"
"I'll quit when you stop dragging us into impossible situations," the turian smirked and Shepard barked a forced, half panicked laugh.
"Yeah! That's not gonna happen, buddy."
When they came to the exit, EDI's cool voice guiding them through, a wave of husks descended on them.
She and Samara nodded to each other, eyes full of understanding and in unison raised their arms. Things weren't so bad when Samara was at her side; she was such a calming and powerful influence.
A biotic bubbled exploded outward; their powers combined and Lifted the husks careening at them, to slam into the ground or walls.
"Eat it, zombies!" she crowed and barreled into the shuttle with Garrus and Samara, puffing and panting.
"Get us out of here Joker!" She ordered as she sprinted up to the bridge. She stopped short for a moment when she noticed Kaidan was there, his face white and tight in worry.
"Shepard!" he croaked but she waved him off, focusing on Joker.
"Make them work for it, Joker," she growled, clutching his seat.
Joker nodded, his face intense, lit by the flight controls. "They're not taking anything from me this time, Shepard."
The beam powered up. Flared into her retina. The stars twinkled coldly, air froze in her lungs, her muscles burned.
The beam was so yellow….
Shepard's head began spinning, the world slowing. She didn't think she was breathing anymore. She couldn't be spaced again, it was so wrong to have nothing beneath your feet, just a yawning void welcoming you into oblivion.
It was so cold.
She swayed on her feet for a moment alarmingly, sure she would fall to her knees in front of Joker and embarrass herself, but suddenly there was a hand in hers and his voice was quiet next to her, "You're ok. We're safe. I'm here now. You're ok."
EDI engaged the mass effect core, and they jumped away.
Safe from that beam.
Shepard removed his hand from hers and breathed deeply again. She had control.
She had to confront the Illusive Man.
Shepard thought she had never seen Kaidan so angry before. Not even when he got into a fight with Zaeed in the mess a week ago.
He stormed ahead of her into the briefing room, radiating fury and to her surprise the Illusive Man just took it, a small smug smile on his lips.
"You knew it was a trap. And you let them go in there anyway!" Kaidan yelled, his eyes burned dark amber, meeting the Illusive Man's disconcerting gaze head on. "This is not how you command!"
She had never heard Kaidan yell like that. She gaped a little, not recognizing the furious man so removed from her normal gentle partner.
"Kaidan!" she barked, suddenly scared that he would somehow piss the Illusive Man off. "Stand down."
"You should listen to her, son." The older man smiled, puffing a cigarette. "Emotions are a risky thing. You shouldn't mix business and pleasure."
Shepard hissed, "You lied to me."
"I did," he admitted freely. "But I knew you could handle it. Like I said, you're extraordinary."
"Shepard, don't listen to him." Kaidan turned to her, his eyes blazing. "He risked your life."
The Illusive Man stood calmly from his seat, unruffled, "The facts are with me, she stands here alive, as is the rest of the squad. And we have the information. We need an identify friend/foe device to get through the Omega 4 relay."
"This isn't acceptable-"
"Kaidan…please," she soothed, seeing the Illusive Man's logic, "I'll handle this."
The Cerberus CEO nodded, seemingly satisfied with her, "I'm glad you see the necessity of taking risks." His glowing eyes darted between their bodies, standing so close together, "In fact I think the both of you are no strangers to risky behavior." That smug smile was back on his face, and his eyes bored into Kaidan's almost mockingly, "Hard decisions will need to be made."
Shepard sighed. "He's right, Kaidan. We both have made hard decisions in the past. My life is less important than finding where they've taken the colonists."
"You are important."
Shepard looked back at him steadily and knew he would calm in moments, open himself to her logic. He usually listened to her in the end.
"Fine, Shepard." Kaidan bit out and turned to leave. He knew she wouldn't be swayed once her mind was made up. "But for the record, I don't trust him."
Shepard turned back to her boss once he was gone, her eyebrow raised expectantly.
"Good." The Illusive Man said, "You seem to be having a positive influence over him. He can remain on the ship for now. Now about that IFF…"
That night in her cabin, Kaidan was quiet, seemingly upset with the bruise on her face that smudged her cheek purple. He sat on the couch reviewing his datapad and she just knew he would have made lists or charts or analysis of the way the mission went down. He was a control freak with missions, with the details. She preferred just getting the job done and forgetting about it.
It grated on her nerves sometimes and she wished he would just relax.
Shepard sighed and prepared for sleeping, padding into their bathroom. There wasn't much she could do when he got all worried and picky like this. Instead, she mentally made lists for tomorrow's missions and ignored him.
"You know what you were saying before?" Shepard paused in brushing her teeth at Kaidan's voice. He looked tired and old, leaning against the bathroom doorway, but also gentle and kind. Like someone she would want to lie down with and sleep until the planets stopped spinning. "This morning?"
"What?" she said around a mouthful of toothpaste and spat it out in the sink. She saw a little bit of blood, most likely from the loose tooth she could feel and quickly washed it down the drain before Kaidan could see.
Stupid Praetorian. She couldn't afford to be losing teeth.
"How danger is danger, there are no grades of it and you're used to it?"
She wiped her mouth on a towel, frowning. He had that 'thinking' look on his face again. "Yeah?"
"It's stupid…" He sighed again and Shepard paced over to him, feeling comfortable and sleepy and glad not to be on that Collector ship anymore. "But I don't want that for you." His mouth kissed the bruise on her cheek gently and he mumbled, "I don't want you to live in fear."
"I'm a soldier," she said quietly, feeling his hands drift to her hips, bunching the soft cotton of his shirt she'd stolen for a nightie. "I'll do it if it means others won't." She placed a hand on his heart again, in a mirror of the morning. "You do too, every day of your life."
He huffed quietly again, his breath puffing a strand of her hair from her face and kissed her softly on the neck, right near her ear. She felt kisses trailed up her jaw, wending their way to her mouth. His warm, calloused hands crawled under her shirt, stroking the soft skin at her ribs, right under the gentle swell of her breasts.
"I made a choice a long time ago, Kaidan." She murmured to his lips, "The time I saw my own flesh and blood's corpse and knew why. There is no backing down for me." He kissed her again, this time his hands actually cupped a breast, stroking slowly and that achingly familiar heat ignited in her lower belly. "There is no way out," she panted a little, and she felt his own breathing increase, his lips back on her neck. "There is no one else to take care of my problems. The Alliance isn't listening and the Illusive Man is right."
"Shepard-"
It was like she'd thrown cold water over him, Kaidan removed his hands from under her shirt and she missed their warmth immediately. He was such a nice comfort.
"Not all the time, he's only human and makes mistakes," she soothed at his horrified expression. "But I'm starting to think I was blinded by hero worship in the Alliance. I think I trusted them too much….because they saved me from becoming something I didn't want to be."
"I can't accept that," he shook his head.
"I'm not asking you to," Shepard closed the distance between them, gently wrapping her arms around his neck, tickling the short hair there. "This is me, LT. No one has all the answers…"
Kaidan sighed that long exhale of his, that sad confused one, the one she just wished she could make better. But she was just as lost, just as conflicted. He was her one constant, her one point of reference. All she had was their press of skin to warm skin, his calm and controlled way of looking at things. The way he tempered her fire and steel and brought out something tender and soft in her.
Sometimes, that was more than enough to get her through the day.
"We're gonna keep fighting," she promised and he gently placed his forehead to hers. "Come to bed with me, Kaidan. Please?"
"Yeah," he mumbled.
They curled around each other in bed. The lights had switched off; it was dark save for the glow of the Normandy's red-shifted emissions in the starlight window above her bed. Kaidan lay on his side next to her, she had removed his clothes. It felt nice to be able to sleep properly again, a weight and warmth around her.
She hated that starlight.
"Shep?" he asked as he removed her shirt and kissed his way over a shoulder, down to the valley between her breasts.
She hummed in answer.
"Do you think about the SR1 a lot?" Her hands drifted to the back of his neck again and skimmed his amp port. A shiver raced through his body, and the bed was warm from their steadily heating skin.
"What we lost?" he whispered to her ribs, leaving kisses across each one that had been broken more than once.
When she was thirteen she hadn't been able to draw a proper breath without blinding pain for a month. She barely remembered that pain now, when he did things like that.
"S-sometimes," she answered, her breathing hitching at the movement of his tongue, the wetness left on her skin, his arousal against her thigh.
"We were happy."
Tears sprung to her eyes, unbidden, "The happiest."
"I'm trying…" he said as he rolled her on top of him. His fingers slipped between her legs.
"I know y-you are," she whimpered with his ministrations, kissed the skin over his heart, his skin burning warm and vibrant, then his mouth, and said no more but his name for the rest of the night.
His lips were a kindness, her antidote to fear.
The stars glittered coldly through her window; their bodies distant, base things, tangled together. There was no pity to be found there.
Shepard knew from experience that it was so hard and so easy to love and be loved when you lived among the stars.