A/N: Chapter title comes from the song "Already Home" by Thousand Foot Krutch. Sweet song that fits the chapter pretty well I think. :)
Chapter Twenty-One: "Rest My Head Under Your Light"
Kaname was in the shower for quite a while. Finally Zero heard the water shut off and the soft sound of terrycloth shifting against itself as his lover pulled a towel from the rack and dried off behind the curtain. A few moments later the pureblood emerged from the tub, hair tousled and the towel wrapped around his waist.
Garnet eyes quickly sought Zero out, then slid away as Kaname padded silently across the tiled floor. "All yours," the pureblood murmured, nodding back towards the shower as he opened the door and slid out into Zero's bedroom.
Zero hesitated for a moment, but finally decided to go ahead and take a quick shower to get the blood off before rejoining Kaname. He didn't want to leave the pureblood alone too long, but although Kaname had seemed unusually subdued just now, he had also seemed a lot calmer then he had been before. So Zero quickly shed his bloody clothes and gathered Kaname's ruined ones out of the tub. Rolling them together he wrapped them in a towel and buried them in the hamper before slipping into the tub.
He showered quickly, trying to keep an ear on what was happening in the other room despite the dull roar of the falling water. It wasn't easy, the sound of running water was especially good at interfering with even his keen hearing, but he could tell Kaname was moving around in his bedroom. The sound of a drawer opening told him that his lover was probably raiding his closet for clothes, rather than returning to his own wrecked room, for which Zero was glad. He didn't want Kaname to go back to his room and the memories that it might stir up again alone.
Zero rubbed shampoo quickly through his short silver hair, turning his face up into the spray as he washed it out again. It was stupid, but every little sound kept making him glance over his shoulder. Not because he was nervous, but because usually, if he was in the shower and heard Kaname moving around in the other room, it was a safe bet that the Pureblood was going to end up joining him. He'd appear in the shower behind Zero when the hunter least expected it, twining his arms around Zero's wet, naked body, whispering in his ear and laughing in amusement when the hunter predictably jumped half out of his skin. It was annoying... but very enjoyable.
Zero frowned softly and forced himself to stop glancing around. He did not expect Kaname to show up this time, naturally. Do you think he's ever going to want to do that again, after what he's been through? Do you think he's going to be able to enjoy your touch without being reminded of that hell? The small, unwelcome thought shivered through Zero, spawning a lonely ache in his chest. His frown deepened. This was hardly the time to be worrying about things like that. Kaname was hurting; whatever he needed to do or not do to help him heal was absolutely fine.
A few minutes later, Zero emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel and found Kaname sitting on his bed. The pureblood was holding a mug of milky tea between his hands, one leg curled under him as he sat on the edge of the bed. His dark hair was damp. He was wearing a loose grey t-shirt and a faded pair of grey and blue plaid flannel pajama pants, both of which had obviously been retrieved from one of Zero's drawers. The white design on the front of the tee showed the outline of a large garlic bulb with the words "Bite Me" printed sardonically underneath.
Zero grinned before he could stop himself, ducking his head a little in embarrassment that Kaname had chosen to borrow that particular outfit. The snarky tee made a very amusing sight hanging from Kaname's graceful shoulders, but Zero's chagrin was more because the shirt was one he'd slept in a couple of times recently and then put back in the drawer, figuring he could get more use out of it before putting it in the wash. He was pretty sure the pants were fresh since he preferred boxers, but Kaname would have to choose one of the few shirts of his that wasn't freshly laundered... suddenly, Zero realized that it was no accident. Kaname had probably chosen it specifically because it had been worn recently. He must have wanted something that carried Zero's scent.
Kaname saw what Zero was looking at and smiled faintly, sipping the tea he was cradling. "Hope you don't mind, I helped myself," he nodded down at the clothes. They were different from the type of pajamas he usually wore, but they were comfortable and soft and the best part was they smelled entirely like Zero. He wouldn't have admitted it, but that was very comforting at the moment.
"Anytime," Zero returned the smile. He wanted to tell Kaname he looked good, but he wasn't sure if he should. The pureblood's wardrobe was quite a bit different from the hunter's. Seeing him in a faded t-shirt and flannel sleep pants like this was unusual and Zero kind of liked it. It made Kaname look more like a college student than a CEO and gave him a casually sexy look, although Zero immediately berated himself for the thought. He shouldn't be thinking about Kaname that way right now. He quickly busied himself by going to the dresser and rummaging around for clothing.
Kaname was too observant for his own good. He saw the momentary glitter of familiar appreciation and desire in his lover's eyes... and he saw it swiftly flicker and die like a doused candle before Zero turned away and pretended to be engrossed in finding something to wear.
He closed his eyes, his fingers tightening around the warm ceramic mug between his hands as he forced himself to breathe slowly and deeply around the pain squeezing his chest. The hunter's reaction was not unexpected and Kaname told himself that it was all right. Zero still loved him; he had proved that he did. That was what mattered. It... it would probably just take a little time before his lover could look at him without thinking of what he'd seen, without it immediately taking the fire out of his eyes and making him withdraw... at least, he hoped so.
Kaname's eyes opened again. He took another long sip of the piping hot tea, enough to lightly scald his mouth and give him something else to think about. He gazed at Zero's back as the hunter retrieved a t-shirt and pair of boxers from the drawer, pulling them on quickly. He liked watching the way the lean, graceful muscles shifted underneath Zero's skin as he moved and the way little water drops ran down his body, hugging the contours that the shifting muscles created. As soon as Zero turned around, Kaname quickly dropped his gaze back to the rim of his cup. He didn't want to make the hunter any more disgusted or uncomfortable with him.
"I made tea, if you want some," Kaname said quietly. "It's in the other room."
Zero shifted a little uneasily when he saw how intently Kaname was studying the mug in his hands. He feared he'd made the other vampire uncomfortable by changing in the same room. Crap. He ran his hand through his hair wearily, wondering how else he could screw up.
"Okay, thanks." Glad for something to do, Zero slipped into the adjoining room, which was a little more cluttered than his bedroom. It was technically his study, but Zero used it for too many eclectic purposes for it to really fit the image that such a name implied. There were several stacks of charm books piled on the floor next to the partially empty book case and the desk was currently sporting a half assembled engine block, part of Zero's latest project which consisted of teaching himself enough about motorcycle engines so he could service his own bike. On a table in the corner, there was a well loved and much used deluxe tea and coffee station which Kaname had given him for his last birthday. It had an automatic brew function so Zero could set it before he went to sleep and it would be ready when he woke up.
Zero poured himself a cup of the pale, sweet-smelling tea which Kaname had prepared and left in the pot on the hot plate to stay warm. It was Kaname's favorite tea and, Zero rather suspected, still the only kind the pureblood really knew how to make. Or at least the only kind he chose to make. Zero wondered sometimes if someone as clever and gifted as Kaname could really be so terribly useless in the kitchen or if he simply didn't care to learn and preferred things made by his lover.
Zero returned to the bedroom with his tea. Kaname hadn't moved from his position on the bed. He seemed to be watching the door as if waiting for Zero to come back, although he looked away again almost as soon as he did. "Sorry," the pureblood said quietly. "I know this isn't the kind you like." He was obviously referring to the drink.
Zero shook his head, taking a sip of the gently steaming beverage. "No, it's fine. You make it good, and I could use something a little sweet right now." Unlike sweet coffee, Zero didn't mind sweet tea on occasion. The hunter hesitated for just a moment before he finally made his way around the bed and sat down next to Kaname, their shoulders brushing lightly. Kaname's body was tense, but he didn't pull away.
Holding his tea with one hand, Zero lightly slid his other arm cautiously around Kaname's waist in what would normally have been a natural gesture. Instead of becoming more tense, Kaname actually relaxed a little, shifting slightly further into the comfortable closeness. The pureblood turned his head towards him and for half a moment, Zero was just on the verge of kissing him.
Kaname froze, his breath stilling slightly, suddenly aching fiercely for that simple touch.
Zero hadn't thought about what he was doing, it was a natural instinct, but he noticed Kaname suddenly go very still. He quickly stopped himself from what he'd been about to do out of concern for his partner's feelings, and turned his head away, taking a quick drink of his tea instead and feeling hideously awkward.
He was trying very hard to seem non-threatening and give Kaname space, so he missed the pain that flittered behind Kaname's eyes as the pureblood's head quickly dropped again. Ah, no... of course, that was too much to expect just yet. Kaname blinked rapidly, swallowing the raw lump in his throat with another mouthful of tea. He should have realized the real root of Zero's actions, but their history complicated matters. It wasn't the first time Zero had refused to kiss him, and even though the reasons were very different, it struck an especially sore place inside of Kaname as a result. It made him feel that Zero was subtly pulling away from him, even if unintentionally. No more than you deserve. Give him time.
At least Kaname could believe that it was unintentional on Zero's side. He knew the hunter well enough to know that if he realized Kaname was picking up on his hesitation and was hurt by it, he would immediately force himself past it for his sake. Zero was like that. But it wasn't what Kaname wanted. He didn't want to push Zero or to be accepted out of pity. That would be meaningless. When Zero wanted to kiss him again, then he would. When Zero was able to think of him in a sexual way without Nasser getting between them, then he would stop hesitating and drawing back. Kaname was determined to be patient. What else could he do?
Slowly, Kaname let the pain flow away from him and settled back into the comfort of the moment instead. Whatever hesitancies the ex-human may feel, he didn't seem to have an aversion to touching Kaname in this way at least and the arm around his back was very nice. Kaname was weary and emotionally run-out and it felt good to sit here like this with Zero. He could tell the other vampire was not completely at ease with him, but there was no sign of revulsion or rejection in his light embrace. So Kaname let himself just enjoy the warmth of the firm body next to him and the steady, rhythmic pattern of Zero's heartbeat. He leaned ever so slightly more against Zero's side and Zero shifted his arm a little higher, instinctively drawing him in more closely. A faint smile touched Kaname's lips. With Zero close to him like this, he could almost ignore the sickening phantom hands that randomly shivered across his skin, at least for a time.
They sat in silence for a while and Zero eventually set his empty mug down on the floor, tipping his head to rest lightly against Kaname's shoulder. He was tired, it had been a really long day. "Do you want to sleep here?" he asked quietly. "Or I could make up a bed in one of the other rooms if you'd rather," he added quickly, afraid of sounding like there was any pressure implied.
Kaname had also finished his tea, but he kept the mug in one hand, resting it on one knee while his thumb traced the handle. "No," he answered a little too quickly before catching himself and moderating his tone. "I'd rather stay with you." He doubted he was going to be getting any sleep. He was exhausted, but he was too afraid of his own dreams to imagine closing his eyes. Still, even not sleeping would be better with Zero next to him.
Zero lifted his head and smiled. There was no mistaking the genuine pleasure in his eyes. He was glad, he really wanted to stay close to the pureblood at the moment. He probably would have been getting up all day to slip in and check on him if he'd chosen to sleep apart. "Okay." He got up and moved his and Kaname's empty cups to the dresser.
Kaname stared down at his hands as if not sure what to do with them now that the cup was gone. Zero crawled onto the bed, but Kaname didn't move. He knew he should, but he didn't want to lie down. He didn't want to turn off the lights and have to live with his nightmares. He didn't want to have nothing to think about but the dark things that bubbled too easily to the surface of his thoughts and the phantom touch of Nasser crawling across his body, making him want to tear himself.
Zero hesitated when he realized Kaname hadn't moved. He slowly sat down on top of the covers instead of sliding under them and leaned against the headboard. "Hey," he reached over and touched Kaname's shoulder. "You okay?" Stupid question, of course he wasn't.
Kaname turned to look at Zero and the hunter saw that his eyes were weary and haunted. "Not really," he admitted quietly, his lips giving a wry twist in faint imitation of a smile.
Zero was surprised by the admission. It showed a lot of trust that the pureblood was being honest and not trying to act like he was fine when he wasn't anymore. He smiled gently and patted the spot next to him in invitation. "Do you want to talk? Or...?" Or what? Zero had no idea, but he wanted to be supportive.
Kaname crawled up to the top of the bed and settled next to Zero, also leaning against the headboard. Zero was being very understanding and not making him feel weird about how silly he was being and he appreciated that, it helped him relax a little. "I don't know what I want," he admitted with a sigh. It was so weird and strangely freeing to just say these truths, to admit how confused and lost he felt without fear of consequences, without the need to appear constantly authoritative and in control.
Kaname's gaze rested on Zero, considering him. The hunter was wearing a white tee and navy blue boxers and smelled fresh from his earlier shower. His hair was still damp and messy and he looked tired, but the gaze he had fixed on Kaname was open, compassionate and genuine. He wasn't just waiting for Kaname to get-over-it-already so he could get some sleep. The pureblood reached out and lightly touched Zero's cheek. Such a treasure. He had such a remarkable treasure here.
Zero turned his head and kissed Kaname's palm, enjoying the lovely flicker of warmth in the chocolate eyes until a dark flicker of pain returned and the pureblood dropped his gaze and his hand once more. Zero reached over, sliding his hand into Kaname's where it lay on the bedspread and twining their fingers together. "Tell me what you're thinking," he murmured.
Kaname gave a wry, un-mirthful smile. "That I'm an idiot?"
Zero chuckled. "Well that's not exactly breaking news," he teased. "But what makes you think so?"
Kaname actually managed a real smile at that and tipped his head back against the headboard, closing his eyes. "Never mind. Trust me, you don't really want to know." He wasn't even sure where to start or how to say all the things swirling through his mind.
"Sure I do," Zero was starting to get that familiar stubborn, defiant glint in his eye. "I've been telling you you're an idiot for years. If we're suddenly going to switch positions and I have to start convincing you that you're not, then I at least deserve to know why..." his tone was intentionally light, but he stroked Kaname's knuckles tenderly with his thumb.
Kaname smiled again, eyes still closed. Zero brought a welcome note of levity to the situation and made it easier for him to feel something more akin to normal. He drew a slow, deep breath. Zero thought for a moment that he wouldn't answer, but somewhat to the hunter's surprise, he did.
"I... I can't help thinking that Nasser was right about some things," Kaname admitted. "About me." He sighed again and opened his eyes, his head tilting down once more, gaze falling to study their interlocking hands. "I did want someone who wouldn't put me on a pedestal. Someone who didn't care about my blood or the power of my name," he swallowed and finally dragged his hesitant gaze up to meet Zero's. Kaname had found all those things in the hunter, bundled up with the most beautiful, loving heart and courageous nature he could ever have hoped to find. But it made him feel kind of dirty somehow that Nasser had seen into him that way and twisted even the hidden desires that would eventually lead him to Zero into something ugly. It worried him that if Nasser had been right about that, before Kaname had yet been aware of it himself, what else might he have been right about?
Zero reached over with his free hand and brushed a soft lock of Kaname's hair behind his ear. He firmly resisted the urge to seethe with rage at the sound of Nasser's name. He could tell that Kaname needed to talk, and his lover would clam up fast if Zero started getting upset.
"So what?" he murmured instead, giving Kaname a shrug and a smile. "Just because he's a complete asshole doesn't mean he wasn't smart, unfortunately. Just because he can see things about people, doesn't mean his twisted, self-serving interpretations are correct. He could be right about some things and completely wrong about others, Kaname. A little bit of truth mixed with a convincing lie is a pretty dangerous package... or so someone wise once told me." Zero quirked his eyebrows as he repeated something that Kaname had once said to him.
Kaname rested his head back against the headboard again. That was true. Any really good lie had to have enough truth in it to sound convincing. "Mm, no fair quoting me. Makes it hard to argue."
Zero was pleased at the slight note of amusement in Kaname's weary voice and he squeezed the pureblood's hand. "Then don't argue."
There was comfortable silence for another minute or two before Zero spoke again. "Kaname... I'm sorry," he said quietly, turning his gaze back on his companion again with a softly furrowed brow. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted earlier, after the meeting. I should have tried harder to be more understanding."
Kaname smiled faintly, squeezing Zero's hand this time. "Nothing to apologize for. Considering you found me..." his breath shuddered slightly and his eyes fluttered momentarily closed. "Kissing another man," there was no mistaking the self reproachful bite in his voice "I think you were very understanding." Really, it was no wonder Zero didn't feel like kissing right now, not after that.
Zero's brows knit tighter, hating the way Kaname reacted to the memory and feeling his own bile rise as well as he remembered the scene, now with the knowledge of everything that had gone before. "I'm also sorry that I didn't shoot the bastard in the head when I had the chance," he added, his voice still quiet but also lethal now, his breath catching a little from the raw fist squeezing his chest. "I wish I had known, Kaname. I would have eviscerated him on the spot, I swear. I wouldn't have let him even come close to touching you again..." His throat felt painfully tight, clogged with tears he was suddenly struggling not to shed.
He turned and leaned his forehead against Kaname's shoulder, trying to breathe evenly and kicking himself. Idiot, you're supposed to be strong for him, not turning into an emotional wreck yourself. He hadn't intended to react this way, but it hurt so damn bad to know that he couldn't change the past, and when faced with the only part of it which he could have influenced, earlier today, he had done nothing but compound the situation.
Kaname smiled faintly, his fingers curling in Zero's hair as he cupped the hunter's head lightly to him. Ironically, it made him feel a little better that he could try to offer comfort as well as receive it. Zero's misguided protectiveness was lovely and precious to him. "I know," he murmured, his own throat feeling dangerously tight as well. "But it really is best that you did not." He kissed Zero's hair lightly.
He wasn't going to say so to Zero, but it would have been disaster if he had tried anything with Nasser. Zero was damn good at what he did. Kaname was very proud of him and he would have bet his life that Zero could have dispatched even Nasser's highly trained, high blood noble assassin / body guard ruthlessly and efficiently if he'd had to. But Nasser himself was another matter. He was the oldest living pureblood on the planet and by his own admission, he'd increased his power by feeding on countless numbers of his own kind over the years. The man was a walking nuclear bomb. It didn't matter how good Zero was, he wouldn't have survived long. Kaname would have quickly gotten between them to protect Zero, and things would really have turned ugly. Two equally matched purebloods battling it out would always come to a draw, probably after leveling half the city. At the moment, however, Kaname was not at all sure he could pretend that he and Nasser were evenly matched, especially given the way Nasser could get inside his defenses. It was not a risk Kaname was willing to take yet. He could not afford to confront Nasser like that until he was stronger. Something he was going to have to rectify quickly.
Kaname continued to stroke Zero's hair and the strong, corded muscles on the back of the hunter's neck, soothing himself as much as his companion. Zero felt guilty about earlier, but it was really best that he hadn't known, and Kaname was starting to think that maybe the same was true of certain other situations as well.
Maybe it was a good thing he hadn't remembered either. Not today perhaps, it would definitely have helped if he'd known what the hell was going on earlier today, but Kaname was now thinking of all the time before that. He was thinking of the past ten years and everything it had brought him, including his remarkable, unlikely relationship with Zero. How differently might his life had turned out if he had not locked those memories away? Maybe it had been the coward's way out, as the condemning voices inside of him whispered, but maybe... maybe it had still been the right call. Or at least, not such a wrong call as he had at first believed.
There was no way for him to be sure how much that trauma might have changed things for him. Might he have succumbed, if he'd known what it was he was craving? Might he have actually gone to Nasser and allowed himself to essentially become the man's slave? Kaname shuddered to even contemplate such a thought, he couldn't imagine that he would have, but for some reason Nasser had seemed to think he would and there was no way for him to know for sure.
Kaname's mind was adept at laying out strategies and instantly mapping out the complex web of diverging possibilities that branched off of every possible move. It did so now almost unconsciously, spinning a dark maze of threads stemming from that one critical moment of change. The ultimate ramifications could have been severe.
Even if he had managed to resist Nasser's draw and continue on with his plans, things still would have been different. Would he have stayed as close as he did to Yuki, if he'd known how tainted he was? Or would he have distanced himself further and watched only from afar? Would he have started accepting the women that all the eager noble families pushed at him, since he'd already lost his virtue and self worth and it would hardly have seemed to matter anymore? And if he found in them only a bitter, empty, meaningless substitute for all the things he couldn't have, how much harder and colder would he have slowly become in order to escape the pain?
And Zero... Zero was the biggest casualty of all in this dark alternate reality. They would likely have still ended up bonded. Even if Kaname had pulled away from Yuki, he would have still fed Zero to protect her. He would have still saved Zero for her sake. He would have still been captured and tortured and eventually driven to the point of having to drink Kiriyu's blood. The bond would still have happened... but what about the rest of it? Would he have even been open to an eventual relationship with Zero with all that baggage hanging on him? Doubtful. The single rape he had remembered had been bad enough, but it had been manageable. Under the weight of the almost crazy passion initially stirred up by their bonding, it hadn't ever seemed very important, of bigger concern then had been the unstable biological depression of his severed bond with old Ichijo. Considering the way Ichijo had recently tormented and abused him, those wounds were more fresh and the driving need to drown them all in Zero's arms had kept his past from intruding into their initial sexual encounters.
But what if he had remembered everything? It would have made things very different. He would still have needed Zero and their bond just as much to survive, but past wounds would have turned it into something dark and terrifying. He would have been much more frightened and angry over his need for the hunter. He might have equated his unreasoning hunger for Zero with the way Nasser had made him feel... and Kaname shuddered to think what that might have meant.
He and Zero had not been close then, they were barely even starting to be friends. If he'd lumped Zero and Nasser into the same category... God, what might he have done? Would he have been cold and hard, frightened of being hurt again? Would he have bound the ex-human to him right away for safety's sake, before he even had a chance to realize the incredible treasure he was destroying? Would he have been cruel to Zero, punishing the hunter for things that were not his fault?
Or would he have been scared and simply pushed Zero away harder, hiding from what he felt and much less willing to try to coax the hunter into any kind of lasting relationship with him? Would he have fought more urgently to keep it all just sex between them and nothing more? In either case, he would never have been able to comfortably let Zero take him, either from pride and anger or from fear. Considering the difficult start their relationship had had to begin with, if he had been any more closed and withdrawn at all, or displayed any greater reluctance to sharing an equal partnership with the hesitant hunter... it was quite likely things would not have turned out as they did. Quite likely that he and Zero wouldn't have ended up together as anything but either a master and a slave, or bitter enemies who had the misfortune of being unable to survive without one another. Without love, they would very probably have destroyed one another by now, and if they hadn't, it would only have been because Kaname had done the unforgivable and raped Zero's will, making the pureblood literally no better than Nasser, not to mention completely alone in a very dark world. It was horrible to consider.
Kaname held Zero tighter, pressing his face into his hair as he struggled to breathe around the agonizing pressure kindled by that possible reality. He couldn't imagine living like that. Painful as it was to envision, it made him unimaginably grateful for everything he had right here and now. There had been a lot of hurt in his life, but also a lot of joy. He had found a happiness he'd never imagined and he was holding it close in his arms right now. Thinking that way kind of put everything into perspective and Kaname realized with a start that although he'd been feeling that his life was ruined and over, the exact opposite was the case. Things could have been so much worse. He was alive, and he had Zero. He'd be damned if he let anything, even his own pain, try to take that away from him.
For the first time since recovering his memories, Kaname actually felt like maybe he would get through this eventually. Like maybe someday, he could make his heart and his body believe what his mind said and the pain would begin to fade. That day was not today, but in some indefinable way, he could at least taste that it was possible.
Hot tears slid down Kaname's cheeks and nose, into Zero's hair. They were tears of sorrow, but also confused tears of hope, or at least of appreciation for all that he now realized he could have lost and had not.
Zero felt the moisture on his scalp and straightened up. Unaware of what had brought them on, he was dismayed by Kaname's tears and quickly cupped the pureblood's face in his hands, his thumbs caressing below Kaname's eyes, wiping away the salty moisture. "Sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I didn't mean to upset you."
To Zero's surprise, Kaname smiled at him through his tears. Just the look in those loving amethyst eyes helped to restore the self-worth that Nasser's malicious savagery had stripped away. Kaname savored it, suddenly struck by how different it was from the distrustful, angry way Zero used to look at him. So much had changed... and for once, it had changed for the better.
"You didn't," Kaname assured, this voice thick. He cleared his throat and helped Zero wipe his eyes with a slightly embarrassed expression. "I was actually just thinking... how differently things could have ended up, with us. I'm so glad they didn't, Zero."
Zero still didn't quite get where the pureblood was coming from, but he could understand and appreciate the sentiment. "Me too."
"Zero," Kaname said earnestly, capturing both of the hunter's hands in his. "Listen... I... I'm sorry I never told you about the part I did remember. You deserved to know. I should have told you sooner," he shook his head again, pain burning brightly behind his eyes.
Zero squeezed his hands. He could well imagine that Kaname had been unable to bring up something like that. Kaname was so private, it would have been hard for him to reveal something so personal and dark, not to mention the misplaced guilt he had obviously felt. Normally, it drove Zero up the wall when Kaname kept things from him, but in this case, he was prepared to be understanding about it. "It's okay, I can understand why you did. It's not something anyone would want to have to remember."
"No," Kaname agreed softly, a little relieved that Zero was willing to be so forgiving. "Honestly, Zero... I almost didn't really remember in the beginning. I don't know if it was because of what I had done to my mind or just because I had intentionally ignored and buried the memory for so long, but I didn't think about it. I mean, when I started being attracted to you and we became... intimate," he clarified quietly, almost shyly, his gaze dropping. He wasn't saying this well.
Kaname's words unintentionally caused a very unsettling thought which Zero had had earlier to reappear and slam into him like a ton of bricks. The hunter's expression swiftly shifted to guilty and horrified. He knew it wasn't what Kaname was trying to say, but in thinking back to those early days, he too was struck by how different their relationship had been... and how rough and apparently uncaring he had often been with the pureblood over the years. Oh crap...
Kaname completely misread Zero's expression and his heart started pounding in dread. He shouldn't have tried to explain. He must have said the wrong thing, because Zero suddenly looked almost sick. He thought it was because Zero was now supposing that maybe Kaname had been thinking about Nasser and not him when they had first been together. That was not true at all, and Kaname desperately didn't want him to think so.
"I never thought of him when I was with you, I swear," Kaname's quiet voice was both desperate and fierce, indicating that that point was dreadfully important to the pureblood. It wasn't entirely true, but it was true enough in spirit. Kaname had remembered nothing but pain about his encounter with Nasser and he'd had other, much more recent bad experiences with Rido and Ichiou right before he and Zero started sleeping together. Naturally, all those things had flittered across his consciousness at one point or another, but until the past few weeks Nasser had not intruded into his and Zero's relationship any more than any of the other specters from their respective pasts.
"I promise," Kaname repeated, his voice cracking as tears started to form again. He was too miserable to feel like an idiot for reacting this way. He was more terrified of Zero's disgust than he had realized and the mere thought of Nasser interfering between them like that made him ill again.
Zero blinked, momentarily at a loss as he struggled to reconcile his own spinning, guilty thoughts with Kaname's sudden, agonized rush of pleading assurances. His brain caught up a second later and he realized what Kaname had just said. It was honestly not something Zero had considered or was worried about, at least, not in the way that Kaname seemed to fear. Was the pureblood really afraid that even the thought of such a thing intruding on their intimacy would somehow disgust or repulse him? Zero realized with a jolt that that was exactly what Kaname feared. He seemed to think that his lover was might to take that as some kind of... of betrayal. Oh, Kaname, how could I ever think that...?
"No! No..." Zero soothed quickly, leaning forward and kissing Kaname's wet eyes almost urgently. "It's okay, I believe you. I know you didn't," he promised. "That-that wasn't what I was thinking." He realized correctly that Kaname had misinterpreted his reaction to his own thoughts, which were in a way related, but coming from a whole different angle.
Zero ran his hand through his hair. He and Kaname had become very close, but they still had the ability to misunderstand one another completely if they weren't careful. "I was thinking... I was thinking that I was a real jerk back then. I-I didn't know what the hell I was doing in bed, I probably hurt you without even meaning to, and even after I got a clue I've not always been gentle and I... I'm just... I'm so sorry..." Zero blinked rapidly, trying to keep the stinging moisture in his eyes from occluding his vision.
He swallowed harshly. In retrospect it horrified him to think that he might have ever unintentionally opened any old wounds or caused Kaname to relive even a moment of fear or pain. Things could get pretty intense sometimes. Kaname had always wanted it... or at least he'd said he had. Sometimes when they were making love, things just spun out of control and his vampire side took over, allowing Zero to do things he would never have otherwise done to someone he loved. Kaname wanted that side of him, he was always deliberately teasing and tempting it out, telling Zero how sexy it was. The pureblood occasionally liked a certain amount of SM-style play, it turned him on and Zero knew that. But had Kaname ever flashed back to Nasser's abuse when they were making love? Until recently, when they played really rough Zero usually had to let his vampire instincts rise to the fore in order to enjoy it. He knew he tended to lose himself when that happened, which led to the terrifying question - had Kaname ever been scared? Had he ever missed it because of his clouded state and simply forced Kaname through the motions? Please... oh please no... The mere thought killed him inside.
Zero again remembered the time two nobles had attempted to rape him in the park. He'd had nightmares for weeks afterwards and during that time Kaname had been especially careful to be gentle and attentive when they made love, as if determined to wash away all memory of the atrocity with his own tender, intense caring. Zero would have done the same for Kaname, if only he'd known. He was unsure how to put into words what was going through his heart and he shook his head somewhat helplessly. "I hope I never hurt you," he whispered hoarsely.
"No," Kaname assured quickly, accurately following the thread of Zero's thoughts. He felt relieved that he'd misread Zero's angst, and was touched by his concern. He dropped his gaze again, eyes focusing on Zero's hand as he pulled it up and kissed the ex-human's lightly callused palm softly. Zero seemed to be forgetting that Kaname had also been forceful with him on many occasions as well. "No, it was never like that. I've never been afraid with you. You complete me, Zero. Even when you think you're playing rough... you're really so gentle. I... I don't know how to explain it," Kaname placed his hand hesitantly over Zero's heart.
Even though his newly returned memories made him feel all kinds of disgusted with himself and unsure about everything, Kaname still understood that pain and pleasure were both just sensations, flip sides of the same coin. He couldn't un-ring the bell that nature had struck inside him, he couldn't divorce or deny his desire for those two intertwining stimulations, both giving and receiving. It was a part of him, whether he liked it or not, and with Zero... it was an okay part of him. With Zero, he was safe and loved, even when they let the edge of darkness within them play. Zero was simply his perfect mate, there was no other way to explain it.
Kaname touched Zero's face again hesitantly. "You couldn't hurt me," he whispered. It was true, even recently when the memories had started to haunt him and Kaname had actually become afraid, Zero had made him feel loved and safe, even without knowing what was going on inside of his lover.
Zero squeezed Kaname's hand tightly. "You've always been so amazing with me. I hope I was there for you if you needed me. I understand why you didn't tell me, but I wish I'd known, just so I would have been more careful..."
Kaname smiled faintly. "Which I appreciate, but wouldn't have wanted," he murmured. "If you were any more careful you'd drive me crazy. It was years ago, Zero, and I only remembered a little of it. I thought I had put it all behind me. In the beginning it never seemed very important. But... you're right, I should have told you later, after I realized I loved you," the smile faded and Kaname's head drooped again.
"I won't lie and say that it never crossed my mind that I ought to tell you, because it did..." Kaname licked his dry lips, kissing Zero's palm again as if trying to gain enough confidence from the touch to continue. "There's no excuse, really. I was ashamed, pure and simple." Kaname squeezed his eyes shut, drawing another deep, shuddering breath.
"I didn't... I didn't want you to know you weren't my first," the whisper was raw and ragged. Kaname knew he had been Zero's first sexual partner, and he would have given anything to be able to say the same in return, but the truth was so much darker and more sordid. That always seemed the way it was with his life. He'd told Zero once, that they weren't the kind of people who could mark their lives by firsts... but that didn't mean that deep in his heart, Kaname didn't wish with everything he had that that wasn't true.
"I wish you were. I do. You... you are in my heart," he murmured miserably. Before his memories returned, he had half-way been able to lie to himself and pretend that what had happened with Nasser almost didn't count because it was more like a form of torture than intimacy. Now, of course... he realized that he had to let that pretense go and face the deeply painful truth. It burned fiercely, knowing that Nasser had taken away something precious and irretrievable that should have gone to Zero. If it had been consensual, or if he'd been in an actual relationship with someone, Kaname might not have minded so horribly. After all, it had happened well before he and Zero were together, or had even met. But it had not been an act of love or even normal hormonal teenage passion that had claimed his innocence, and that just added to the hurt. Nasser had taken so much from him, some of which it seemed he could never get back.
For the second time, Zero found himself surprised to discover what it was that was hurting Kaname. His heart tore in a mixture of intense love and fond, aching incredulity as he realized how tied up in knots over this his lover was. It was true, he'd always kind of assumed that Kaname had never been with anyone before him either, but it wasn't like it really mattered to the way they felt about each other now. And seriously... did Kaname really think he was going to value what they had less because the pureblood had been raped?
"Kaname... don't, please..." Zero shook his head, the tears in his eyes burning down his cheeks again despite his efforts to contain them. He was so emotionally run out and aching for Kaname that it was almost impossible to control such things anymore. "Don't think you have to apologize for that." Zero touched the side of his neck, fingers skimming his tattoo in a silent reminder that they had both brought different scars into this relationship. They both had had different first times stolen from them. "You're the one that told me that just because we can't mark our life by firsts, that doesn't make what we have now one bit less special."
Kaname smiled faintly but didn't look up. "There you go again, quoting me. Apparently I need to learn to shut up."
Zero chuckled, wiping his eyes in a futile gesture since the tears were still coming. "Yeah, well, maybe..." he teased. "But every now and again you have your moments. Kaname, you said I was the first in your heart," he murmured, this time pressing his palm softly against Kaname's trembling chest. Kaname looked up and their eyes met and held. "That's all that matters to me," Zero promised. His eyes begged to be believed, radiating earnest intensity. "How could I ever ask for something more special, and wonderful than that?"
Zero held Kaname's open, aching gaze and found himself struggling with conflicting emotions. He knew what he wanted to do, what instinct told him to do... he just didn't know if it was the right thing to do.
Oh... to hell with it. With a million emotions swirling inside of him and not a damn clue how to properly voice any of them, Zero let both hands cup Kaname's jaw again, sliding back into his hair as he gently pulled the pureblood forward, leaning in to give him a firm, but infinitely tender kiss. There was a fierce undertone of possessive protectiveness underlying Zero's gentleness. His throat ached as Kaname's eyes registered surprise for a moment, then glittered with an intense happiness before they fluttered shut, the pureblood's warm mouth molding willingly to his as Kaname tipped his head into the kiss. Had... had Kaname been waiting for him to do this?
Kaname felt a warm, aching contentment rise in his weary heart, causing it to pound rapidly in his chest at the familiar, lovely sensation of Zero's lips on his. The kiss was unexpected and so very needed. It had been wholly Zero's doing, and there had been no hint of doubt or distaste. Kaname leaned into him, lips parting softly in hesitant invitation. Zero responded slowly, tongue gently touching the inside of Kaname's lip and brushing his teeth.
Kaname shivered and immediately sucked Zero deeper, pulling the hunter into him almost desperately. Zero's taste radiated through his senses like a much needed balm. His hands slid to Zero's shoulders and neck, long fingers stroking and caressing as they curled into the soft hair at the nape of the hunter's neck, holding onto him tightly. He'd been so afraid Zero wouldn't want to kiss or touch him again. So afraid that the hunter would keep hesitating and avoiding that kind of contact because of knowing how sullied he'd been. The beautiful kiss, as much as Zero's words, made Kaname believe that he meant what he said, and that maybe, the special place they had in one another's hearts could somehow make up for a multitude of shortcomings and hurts.
Zero felt a very small, barely noticeable sob shake Kaname's breath as they embraced. For a second he almost pulled away, afraid he was causing more hurt, but at that moment Kaname's eyes opened and Zero saw in their depths just how deeply the pureblood both feared rejection and craved reassurance. So Zero stopped doubting himself and did what he wanted to do. He kissed Kaname deeper, with as much passionate tenderness as one soul could pour into another, wanting desperately to be able to take all that pain away. He knew he couldn't, but he could love Kaname, and hope that was enough.
Kaname shifted around to his knees so he could face Zero more easily and explore his mouth more deeply. Zero did the same, his arms sliding around Kaname's waist.
"Kaname," he murmured against his lover's lips after a minute or two. "You didn't choose any of what happened, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't even count when it isn't your choice." He could only hope that his eyes somehow conveyed what he couldn't find the words for - how precious Kaname was to him, and that he felt no lacking at all between them. "Okay?"
Kaname soaked up Zero's affection and acceptance like a dry, torn sponge, his heart swelling almost unbearably. He nodded softly, forehead brushing Zero's. His eyes stung, but he wasn't sad. When Zero looked at him like this, when he could feel the warmth of the hunter's life pressed against him, when he was viscerally reminded of all the wonderful things they had shared and had yet to share... it did something to him. Something good.
Kaname wrapped his arms around Zero's neck and kissed him again, intensely. "Okay," he conceded in a somewhat shaky murmur. He wasn't entirely sure he believed it yet... but he wanted to. Arms tightening around his lover, Kaname surprised Zero by falling backwards, taking Zero down to the bed with him.
Zero struggled to catch himself and not land too heavily on top of the pureblood, but Kaname's embrace kept him close, hands running up and down the hunter's back as he kissed Zero's lips and chin almost desperately. He wanted Zero. He needed him so much. Zero's kisses brought to life something that had felt like it was dead inside him, and he wanted more. Breathe life into me, Zero... make me remember what it feels like to be whole, to be loved.
Kaname's thighs curled around Zero's hips, legs twining around the back of Zero's knees and holding him even closer. His soft, urgently searching hands slid up Zero's back under his shirt, dragging it up his body a little. The loose t-shirt Kaname was wearing had ridden up some when he fell onto the bed and Zero felt his lover's smooth, hard stomach press against his own, the skin-to-skin contact burning with unexpected warmth.
Zero felt a deep, confused shudder pull through him as he suddenly found himself straddling his lover's body, all but pinned to him. This was totally unexpected and his mind struggled to catch up to what was happening, which wasn't helped by the fact that his body had caught on all too quickly. Whoa... wait... this was happening too fast.
Kaname shivered, hard. He could feel someone else's hands, someone else's body pressing down on him, and he hated it. It was so wrong, he needed to only feel Zero. He inhaled his lover's scent, dragging it deeply into his lungs. It stilled some of the pain inside him and dulled the quaking, primal wail of need that had been preying on him since his bought with Nasser earlier. He buried his face against Zero's neck, inhaling again and feeling the tightness ease a little further.
"K-Kaname..." Zero's voice was soft and unsure.
Kaname quickly moved back to Zero's mouth, kissing him into breathless silence. He rocked his body up against Zero, unintentionally groaning into their kiss and not leaving much doubt about what he wanted. Despite his resolve to not push Zero, he'd already come too far. He felt like it would kill him if Zero rejected him now, after he'd laid himself this open. "Please..." he groaned softly against Zero's lips. "Please love me."
Zero felt confused tears sting his eyes at the desperate little plea. He kissed Kaname back devotedly. "I do," he rasped softly, voice catching. "So much, Kaname." He leaned his elbows on either side of Kaname's shoulders, returning his intense kisses for a few minutes as he tried to clear his head. Not easy to do with Kaname now gripping his butt and kneading it with expert fingers as he rocked Zero down against his seductively undulating form.
Kaname pulled Zero down against him, feeling the hunter's strong, toned rear beneath the thin boxers and the firm, delicious friction of stomach and hips as their bodies met and ground together. He was a jumbled mess inside. There was a part of him that was afraid of what he wanted, but there was a bigger part of him that was more afraid of meeting with rejection. He needed Zero to want him. He needed to know that he was still desirable, and that Nasser hadn't tainted his lover's feelings for him on this level. He needed to prove that he belonged to the hunter, so that Zero could want him. He need to replace the past with the present.
Zero's heart was pounding and he struggled to not get too carried away in the sudden riptide he'd been caught up in. Kaname was presenting himself very deliciously, but it seemed wrong and startling somehow after everything that had just happened. He was still so afraid of hurting Kaname. It didn't appear at all wise to go down the path the pureblood seemed to want to tread right now, no matter how inviting it was.
If this was really what Kaname wanted, then... well... it would be really easy to respond to him. But was it what he wanted, or was Kaname just trying to prove something to Zero because he thought he had to? Unfortunately, he wouldn't put that past Kaname. The pureblood could be frighteningly, almost stupidly selfless when he felt uncertain or needed reassurance of his lover's affections. Zero's hesitancy was almost overwhelmed as Kaname's hips rolled up against him again, the friction and the enticing heat of the pureblood's hands under his shirt momentarily overriding his rational objections.
Zero gasped almost helplessly, struggling for a level of control that was threatening to slip away from him. His fingers tangled in Kaname's hair and he tipped the pureblood's head back, angling his head so he could press his tongue fully into the hot, trembling mouth under him. Kaname responded beautifully and Zero found himself starting to rock against his lover's body as fire tingled through his nerves.
With almost inhuman effort, Zero forced himself to slow down, to try to stop and think. He worried that either intentionally or unintentionally, Kaname's pheromones were playing on him and threatening to make him start forgetting why this was probably wrong. Oh hell no. Zero was not about to let vampire biology hurt Kaname anymore than it already had. No. Freaking. Way. He pressed his eyes shut, seeking strength.
Kaname whimpered softly, frustrated and frightened that Zero wasn't really responding very well to him. Zero was still kissing him, but it was obvious now that he was hesitating at going farther, despite the humiliatingly wanton display Kaname was making of himself. The pureblood felt himself flush with shame. He really was such a whore. Now he'd probably pushed Zero too hard, too fast and he would think so too.
A soft sob caught in Kaname's chest. Zero felt it echo through them both and quickly opened his eyes. Alarmed to find unshed tears glimmering in the dark eyes beneath him, he quickly forced himself to break off the kiss, breathing raggedly. No, no, no...!
Kaname felt like he was going to crumble when Zero pulled back and he knew for sure that he'd blown it royally. He went limp. The tears in his eyes escaped down the sides of his face in hot trails of heartache. To prove how utterly and totally pathetic he was, his chest started hitching uncontrollably. He was not sobbing, he was not... Stupid, stupid, STUPID idiot! He was always pressing when he shouldn't and ruining everything. He turned his face away, cheeks burning in disgrace. He pressed the side of his head against the bedspread as if he could hide in it, feeling the cool, quilted weave under his feverish skin.
Tenderly, almost frantically, Zero cupped flaming Kaname's face between his palms as he leaned over him, gently turning his head back to center. He was still straddling the pureblood and he quickly shifted to get his knees under him, carrying more of his own weight so as to not trap Kaname so firmly the mattress. "Kaname, I'm sorry... it's okay... I won't hurt you, I promise, I'm so sorry..." he almost babbled. He'd hardly been the one to initiate this, but he felt like it was somehow his fault anyway. He shouldn't have let his libido run away with him even this far. Kaname came first. Zero could never, ever hurt him, no matter what signals the mixed up pureblood was sending.
Something in Zero's panic made it through Kaname's self-condemning fears. I won't hurt you. Was that why Zero was hesitating...? Or... or... "It's not b-because you think I'm a w-whore?" Kaname murmured in a trembling voice as he tried to still his stupid tears. There was really no excuse for how incredibly infantile and weepy he was being.
The absolutely stunned and confused look on Zero's face was answer enough. Zero couldn't lie good enough to fake an expression like that. "WHAT?" The hunter shook his head, trying to figure out where in the hell that incomprehensible notion had come from.
"I mean w-why you don't want to touch me. I thought... maybe it made you think of me w-with him," Kaname confessed. Trembling fingers slid up to comb through Zero's silver locks as they hung about the hunter's face. The pureblood's eyes were so afraid, swimming in self doubt and fearful of rejection.
Zero hated that look. It cut right through his heart. He would do anything to erase it from his lover's expression. Sometimes, he was completely torn between wanting to punch Kaname for being so stupid and wanting to kiss him and hold him comfortingly. Right now of course, the latter won out, but still... he couldn't even believe that Kaname could think such a ridiculous thing. But he supposed that for the hurting pureblood, it wasn't ridiculous, and he realized with a deep pang how all his attempts to be considerate just now might have in fact been entirely misunderstood. Well, crap. They still had to work on this understanding thing, apparently.
"No, Kaname... no. Believe me, I want to touch you," he said with a shaky smile. He was still kneeling over Kaname, their bodies close enough to brush, and the slight firmness that was pressing against Kaname's stomach was kind of proof of that. "All I think of when I look at you, is you. Please don't ever call yourself that again, you aren't. I could never think of you that way. I want to make love to you, Kaname, but we don't have to do it right now," he whispered softly. "I love you. I'm yours. I know you love me, and you're mine. You don't have to prove it." They had a pretty well entrenched history of solving or at least soothing personal problems with intimacy. He didn't want to use Kaname when he was in such a fragile, traumatized state simply because Kaname thought it was necessary in order for Zero to know he loved him.
"I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want you to ever think that you have to do something just to make me happy or prove that you love me. Because I already know that, Kaname..." Zero brushed his lips slowly and tenderly across the pureblood's mouth. "And it means..." Zero kissed him softly, moist lips sliding together in a gentle, heated caress. "The world to me." The hunter's breath hitched in a soft hiccup that was almost a little sob. He really couldn't contain or put into words just how much it meant, but his adoring lilac gaze was overflowing with it. "I'd do anything for you," he promised breathlessly against his beloved's lips.
Kaname's aching heart felt very full under the weight of Zero's gaze and the soft touch of his tender kisses. He'd misread Zero. He should have known it. He should have realized this possible alternate explanation. His pain and self-doubts were making him slow and stupid. He felt the agonized knot inside him melting gradually, like ice in the sun. A soft, trembling relief seemed to lighten his limbs. Zero looked at him like he was some incredibly precious treasure, like he was someone worthy of all that amazing, heartfelt adoration. Even if Kaname couldn't agree with that notion right now... still, Zero looked at him that way.
"Then..." Kaname whispered, voice slightly shaky as his fingers glided through Zero's hair again, tucking the short silver strands back behind the hunter's ears. "Make love to me, please." The whisper was soft, almost pleading. "I know I don't have to," he said quickly upon seeing the hesitation in Zero's gorgeous eyes as they gazed down at him. "But I want to. I need to. Please, Zero... all these memories in my head... I don't know what to do with them. I feel so filthy. I can't make them stop," he admitted. "But when you were kissing me... they were quiet. I could just think about you. Maybe I shouldn't ask, I'm almost afraid I'll make you dirty too, somehow, just by touching me..." his breath caught in his throat. It sounded dumb when you actually said it out loud, but it was what he felt. Despite what Zero said, Kaname did need to prove something, even if it was just to himself.
Zero's gaze turned even more tender if that was possible and his hands slid to Kaname's shoulders, his thumb stroking Kaname's neck lightly. "Kaname... touching you could never make anyone dirty. It's like... like touching heaven..." he whispered honestly. He felt embarrassed at how terribly corny that sounded, but really, he had no idea what to say. He was wandering around lost here and just hoping that somehow he could try to do and say the right things to sooth Kaname's pain.
Kaname gave a soft, humiliating little sob that he couldn't hold back, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment. "Then make me forget," he whispered, his cheeks pinking at how silly the request probably sounded. His hands curled around Zero's shoulders, his eyes opening again to fix earnestly on the hunter. Zero's love was so pure... Kaname felt like he wanted it to cleanse him, to wash away the horrible phantom memories crawling all over his skin. "Please, Zero. Let it be your touch I'm feeling now, let it be only you I remember..." he whispered hoarsely. His eyes closed again. He felt so humiliated for asking in such a pathetic, ridiculous way. Damn, how un-romantic was that?!
Zero felt another deep shudder course through him. He actually found that soft, unexpected plea to be quite appealing in a way he couldn't have explained. It was almost as if Kaname was asking him to save him... and Zero wanted to, so badly. This probably wasn't a good idea. He doubted Kaname was really ready to be intimate, despite his apparent need for it. It almost felt as if the pureblood were testing him, as if Kaname needed physical proof of his love and desire so he could really believe it. As unadvised this may be, however, Zero was fully aware now that refusing would hurt Kaname far worse than anything else.
He leaned down and kissed the bridge of Kaname's nose softly, making the pureblood open his eyes. Please don't let me mess up... please let me do this right. The silent prayer ran through Zero's mind as he saw the glitter of hesitant desire and vulnerability in his lover's dark eyes. His own gaze flickered adoringly as he looked down at the pureblood, not letting Kaname see his hesitation now. "I know I say sometimes that you're a difficult person to live with, Kaname. But I'm tempted to take it all back at the moment. I say I'd do anything for you... and you ask me for what I already want to do more than anything," he murmured, his eyes soft with loving amusement.
Kaname smiled almost shyly, but it was a real smile, one that managed to touch his eyes and it eased Zero's nervousness a little. The hunter dipped his head and brushed his lips across Kaname's in a gentle caress. Kaname's breath was warm against his skin as the pureblood exhaled with a soft shudder, lips parting.
Zero kissed him slow this time, tenderly exploring every inch of Kaname's mouth as the pureblood's hands slid under his shirt again. He kept his eyes open, holding Kaname's gaze reassuringly and watching him closely for any flicker of discomfort with what they were doing. Although Kaname's eyes still reflected a lot more vulnerability than Zero was used to seeing in them, they were also warm now, almost hopeful.
"Mmm," Kaname murmured softly into the sweet heat of their lingering kiss as his knees hesitantly slid back up on either side of Zero's hips. With the desperation of fearing rejection eased, he felt more shy now, more uncertain about what to do... but not at all uncertain about what he wanted. His emotions were still a seething ball of confusion, but here in Zero's arms, with the hunter looking at him with such tender adoration... he could almost feel whole again, even if just for a few moments.
The pureblood had had an intensely lonely life, but he wasn't lonely anymore. Nasser had preyed on him when he was vulnerable and empty, but those days were gone. The hole in his life had been filled with a wonderful, completely unlikely love. As long as Zero looked at him like that, held him like this, and cared about him the way he did... then somehow it made the past hurt less, or at least, made it seem a lot less important than the present.