I hope you guys Love Me Love Me when I update this story. I love looking back on my work and re-reading it All Over Again. It just makes me want to Elevate. Show Me that you love this story by reviewing. Reviews make me feel like I'm not Invisible. I had No Idea I'd get this many. I feel like a Superstar! I write, you read, and we'll have the Time Of Our Life.

Okay, done with that creepy fangirl title obsession...thingy...

Onwards!

Breakdown

Chapter 20: Panic

"You look tired."

"I feel tired."

"Did you have it again?"

James sighed. He rolled over onto his side and let his arm dangle lazily off the edge of his bed. "What do you think?"

Kendall patted James on the shoulder. "Stop stressing. You're gonna be fine. You were perfect at the concert; don't think of this as any different."

"Oh, I know it's not different. Just like at the concert, if we screw up, it's over."

Kendall desperately attempted to lighten the mood. "Yeah, well, third time's the charm, right?"

James just stared humourlessly at Kendall.

Kendall hissed as if burned. "Okay, evil death stare. Remind me not to try to make you feel better."

"No, Kendall-" James reached out and grabbed Kendall's arm. "I'm sorry. I'm being ungrateful. You're right. All you guys have been trying to do this past week is cheer me up. But I haven't been giving you the chance to do that. So...thanks. It really makes me realize that we're all in this together."

"And don't you forget it."

"I won't."

Kendall smiled genuinely and moved to leave the little curtained-off section of the bus that was their room. All it was was two bunk-beds.

"Logan and Carlos are up. We've only been asleep for a few hours, but I think we're almost there, so, do whatever it is you do to get energized this early in the morning." Kendall stifled a yawn, and James couldn't help but check the time on his phone. 4:51 a.m.

He groaned and buried his head in his pillow. He felt like he hadn't been getting nearly enough sleep lately to keep him going. And he knew being tired at the concert would lead to disaster. As in, his nightmare coming true.

James huffed out a sigh and rolled out of his bunk. Once they got into Chicago and had stopped and checked out the area, he could go back to sleep and wake up later in the day, maybe around a time when normal people woke up, and hopefully he would feel more rested.

Kendall chuckled to himself as he listened to James grumble under his breath about how no sane person should ever be up before the sun. Welcome to stardom, buddy, Kendall thought.

James stumbled out of the little room and followed Kendall to where Logan and Carlos were sitting in another section of the bus, chatting excitedly. Carlos munched on a cookie.

Carlos saw James staring at the chocolatey hunk of biscuit in his hand and held out the bag to him.

James laughed and shook his head. "How can you eat this early in the morning, and with the first stop of our tour tonight?"

Logan and Kendall shared smirks before saying in unison, "It's Carlos."

"Oh, right. That's how."

Carlos pouted at his friends, but his expression quickly changed to one of joyousness as he looked out the window at the darkened city.

"Can you guys believe we're really here? I mean, it still doesn't feel real. We're on our very own tour."

Carlos was right. It had been said enough times, but it still didn't seem like reality. Not just yet. And even though the concert had been exhilarating, this was a whole new playing field. This was bigger. A tour really meant something. BTR was rising to a new level, one they never imagined possible just six short months ago.

"I know. This is so surreal."

James and Kendall nodded, the latter enthusiastically, James robotically. Sure, he was excited. This was literally his dream come true. He was just afraid that it would turn out to also be his nightmare come true.

"Here we are dogs, Chicago, the one place you do not wanna mess up and embarrass yourselves."

The fours boys ' heads instantly swiveled to stare at there producer in alarm. "Why not?"

"Because, it's where your first tour performance is...? Next week, it'll be Missouri you don't want to mess up and embarrass yourselves in. And if you do, well, you'll never know, cause YOU'LL BE DEAD!"

The boys winced as they were showered with their worked-up producer's spittle. "Okay, your point is across. NOW LET'S GO CHECK OUT CHICAGO, WOO!"

Carlos tried to run away from the tour bus, but four arms held him back. He turned around and frowned in confusion at Kendall and Logan.

"Carlos, you don't know Chicago. You could get lost," Logan rationalized.

"Yeah, and, it's five in the morning. We can't just go running around town when we're supposed to be getting settled in and resting up," Kendall added.

Carlos' eyes took on a defeated glaze, but then they were suddenly looking up at James, glinting hopefully, a trace of a smile playing on his lips.

James chuckled at his child-like friend. "Sorry, buddy, but I'm with Kendork and Logantor on this one."

"Hey!"

"I told you not to call me that."

James ignored his friend's protests and winked at Carlos, revealing to him in that small motion that he actually wanted to march around Chicago as well. But for a different reason than Carlos.

"Whatever," Kendall grumbled. "Let's just get set up so we can get back to sleep."

The boys helped Gustavo choose a location to park their bus for the night, and they soon found themselves fast asleep once again.

Except James. He, of course, could not fall back asleep. He was tired enough to. He just didn't want to. He knew he would have the dream again. He knew he shouldn't let himself be bothered by it, but he really couldn't help it. It was just too...premonition-y for his comfort. He was left with an uncomfortable feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach while he lay awake for another hour and a half.

Naturally, Carlos was awake the instant the sun was up, at a little before six thirty. That boy had no internal clock. He was up at the first hint of daylight.

And, as always, he got right in the other guy' faces to see if they were awake, too. Carlos was always happy, but there were a few things he couldn't stand, two of them being sleeping later than the sun, and being alone. So he went around creeping all of his friends' bunks until he got to James', last of course, after earning a smack to the face from a half-lucid Kendall.

"James..." Carlos' voice was just above a whisper.

Hmm. Maybe he does know how to be considerate. James smiled a bit at the thought, and Carlos suddenly forgot all about consideration as he shouted "I saw you smile! Don't even try to pretend you're still asleep, James!"

Whump!

"Hey!" Carlos rubbed the back of his head where the pillow had connected. "James, I think Kendall just threw a pillow at me!"

James sighed heavily. So much for making sure he was rested enough to not have to worry about collapsing on stage.

"Carlos, I don't care. Kendall, don't be mean."

"Oh, I'm sorry! Did Carlos yell right in your ear?"

"Um, actually, yeah."

"Oh." Kendall blinked slowly, trying to clear his sleep-fogged mind. "Right."

A groan sounded from the bunk below James. "Ugh. Shut up. Sleeping is good for you, and if you couldn't tell, I'm kind of trying to get some sleep?"

"Sorry Logan." Carlos glanced slyly up at James and mouthed 'I'm not sorry' and proceeded to make a big show out of covering his mouth to hold back to seemingly uncontrollable giggles that threatened to burst from his throat as if his false apology to Logan was just too humourous not to laugh at.

"That's hilarious, Carlos," James murmured dishonestly, yawning. His exhaustion was quickly catching up to him. He knew that wasn't good.

"Come on you guys, this is the most exciting day ever! How can you guys sleep knowing we have our very first tour performance in...um...a certain number of hours!"

I can't.

"Twelve and a half," Logan murmured.

James' stomach twisted. Twelve and a half hours didn't seem like a lot of time at all. He knew the worst part was that the day would go by sickeningly fast, and seven o'clock would come sooner than he wanted, and that meant it wasn't long until he'd screw up and humiliate himself in front of potentially thousands of people.

Maybe nobody will show up, James thought hopefully. Maybe they forgot all about BTR since we've been away for so long. Yeah, no audience means no performance. It was so absolutely ridiculous and ironic that James of all of them would hope for something like a cancelled tour, especially after how hard he'd fought to get his mother to grant him permission to go, however reluctant. It made James snort.

"Something funny?" Kendall mumbled from somewhere beneath his pillow that Carlos was struggling to pull off. A hand shot out from under it and flailed at the overly hyper Latino. "Leave me alone, Carlos."

James cleared his throat. "Uh, no. Nothing's funny."

Finally Carlos gave up and went to sit on Logan's bed.

Kendall, sensing Carlos' sudden lack of presence, popped out from under his pillow. His blonde waves were untamed and unruly around his head, but he wasn't James. He couldn't care less.

"How did you sleep?" he asked his brunette friend seriously.

James shrugged. "Fine. You?"

Kendall glared at James, unimpressed. He knew that James was well aware that Kendall hadn't just asked him in a casual, everyday-morning question kind of way.

"James..."

"Kendall, honestly, I slept fine and I feel great."

Kendall only shook his head and looked away. Sometimes he thought James was more stubborn than himself. It was nearly impossible to get the self-obsessed boy to admit to anything that wouldn't gain him any positive attention.

Kendall turned away from James and said nothing else. He looked over at Logan being attacked with a pillow by Carlos.

"Logan, I'm excited and I can't sleep, so wake up!"

Logan peeled his blanket off his head and glared at Carlos for a moment before a devious glint came to his eye that the boys weren't used to seeing.

"You're excited for tonight, right?"

Carlos nodded eagerly.

"Well, if you go back to sleep, it will make the day go by faster. When you wake up, the concert will be closer."

Carlos' eyes brightened. "You're right!"

Carlos wasted no time diving back into his bed and huddling under the covers. "Goodnight, guys!"

Kendall and James laughed as Logan fist-pumped and mouthed a triumphant 'yes!'. James felt himself start to lighten up. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Like Logan had said, they were only dreams. They didn't necessarily mean anything.

And besides, how could he not let himself have a good time when he was on tour with his best friends?

Without warning, the curtain separating their little sleeping area from the rest of the bus was flung back, and Gustavo stood in the door...the curtain way, gazing at the four boys.

"Dogs! Who's ready to see where they'll be performing tonight?"

His question earned four unexpected groans.

"This place is huge! Way bigger than the stage in LA!"

Carlos ran around the inconceivably enormous stage, staring out into where the crowd would hail.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all so grand and exciting, now GET OFF THE STAGE BEFORE YOU FALL OFF AND ARE UNABLE TO PERFORM!"

Carlos just giggled and hopped off the stage onto the ground where his red-faced producer stood with the other band members.

"Gustavo, has there ever been a time where you weren't so uptight?"

"NO!"

Carlos shrugged. "Just checking. Like I was just checking out where we're going to be performing. Tonight!"

He high-fived a grinning Kendall and Logan, and a grimacing James.

"Whatever, dog. When you get hurt and lose your music career, don't come crying to me!"

With that Gustavo stormed away, leaving the four friends to gush about how life-changing tonight was going to be.

"I think I'm gonna die, I'm so pumped!"

"Didn't I tell you guys that opportunities like this come once in a lifetime? Now look where we're at!"

"This is huge. Do you guys have any idea how much exposure this is going to get us? It'll put us in a whole new league!"

"Yeah, and if we make it through tonight, we still have five more cities to worry about screwing up in."

Kendall's face took on a look of anger and disgust. He whirled to face James.

"You know what? I've had enough of your negative attitude. You're the one out of all of us who wanted to be here the most from the very beginning, and now look at you! You're bringing us all down! Keep thinking like that, and something will go wrong. Don't you believe in yourself, James? In us?"

James gritted his teeth together; whether he was trying to hold back a nasty retort or tears, he wasn't sure.

"Listen, Kendall. I haven't heard you talking about having horrible dreams of...of bad things happening. And I know it's stupid of me to freak out over them, but...I don't know, these dreams are my way of being nervous, and I can't help that!"

Kendall's hard expression softened, and he stepped forward and placed a comforting hand on his jittery friend's back.

"James, look, we all know what you're feeling right now. Maybe we haven't been having nightmares about tonight for the past week, but we're nervous, too. We're just trying to cover it up with excitement so maybe the nerves will go away. And I think you need to do the same, too."

"The more you think about it, the worse it'll be," Logan added, breaking into the conversation. "If you let your worries take over your mind, you'll end up psyching yourself out, and that's when something will happen. But if, like us, you forget all about anything that could be stressful, you'll feel better. Instead of looking at the potential negatives of tonight, look at the definite positives. It's working for us."

James breathed in shakily. "You guys are right. I just...can't get my mind off everything that could go wrong."

"You mean everything that won't go wrong."

James nodded. "Yeah, right." A small smile etched onto his face, brightening his eyes for the first time in quite a while. "You know what? You're totally right. This is just like the concert all over again. And that concert went great. And I had a lot more on my mind then."

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos suddenly looked uncomfortable at those words. James payed no notice.

He wrapped his long arms around his three friends and pulled them close. "You guys rock. You always know what to say. Thanks."

His friends only smiled and hugged him back. Everything had to go right tonight. No, not right. Perfectly. James deserved it.

James could hear his heart pounding in his skull. His breath raced. He glanced over at Carlos and wondered fervently how the antsy boy could remain so calm at a critical time like this.

"Show time," Carlos announced, slapping James on the back enthusiastically. James swallowed convulsively, sneaking a peek at the trash can that sat a little ways away backstage. He prayed he wouldn't have to make a mad dash for it any time tonight. His churning insides told him he might.

Carlos noticed the greenish tinge to his friend's face, and he backed up. "James, you alright? You look like you're about to upchuck."

James shook his head. He was glad he was only with Carlos. Logan and Kendall were entering stage left, Carlos and himself stage right. If he'd been with Logan, the brainiac would've dragged him offstage and declared the performance postponed. 'Cause that really would have been allowed. And Kendall would have started shouting at him for not telling anyone just how nervous he really was. He'd have a much easier time convincing Carlos that he wasn't freaking out.

James shook his head, responding to Carlos' concerned inquiry. "I'll be fine, Carlos. Just...nervous stomach."

"Are you sure? You have to do a back flip out there. Remember what happened last time you did one?"

Despite his queasiness, James rolled his eyes. Yes, he hadn't done a single back flip since the puke-in-Carlos'-helmet incident. He'd told Gustavo he'd been practicing them back at the Palm Woods. Gustavo hadn't believed the brunette, but he never pushed the issue. Maybe Kendall or Logan had told him the real reason James refused to perform one.

Now James groaned. "Don't remind me. And I'm sorry."

"It's cool, man. But, seriously, are you sure you'll be okay out there?"

"Yes, Carlos. Once we start singing, I'll forget everything and I'll just be having the time of my life. No worries."

A stage manager came up behind the two boys. "You're on in two," he warned, before walking away.

A wave of panic washed over James, and he felt himself start to hyperventilate. He grabbed at Carlos for support as his knees gave out under him.

"Whoa! James, hey, James, listen to me. Breathe, okay? You have to breathe. Deep breaths, in, out, in, good job...okay, out!"

To both of their pleasant surprise, Carlos was successful with calming James down.

"Look at me. Hey, that's it, just focus on me, on breathing. Nothing else exists right now."

Carlos heard James' breathing slow, return to normal, and he himself let out a loud exhale. "Good job, James. You're okay now."

James nodded slowly, staring straight into Carlos' warm brown eyes. James felt strength come back to him. He let Carlos help him to his feet. "You alright now?"

James nodded. He sucked in another heavy breath. "Th-thanks, Carlos."

"Don't mention it, buddy. You scared me there. James, do you really want to do this?"

James could hear the seriousness in Carlos' tone. Carlos, serious? Absurd. This entire situation was serious, and James knew he couldn't afford to make the wrong decision here.

So, jaw set, eyes determined, he nodded. "I'm going out there, Carlos. This is my dream. I need to go get after it. And besides, I'll have you guys right there with me. Nothing can stop us."

The familiar grin appeared on Carlos' face, and he jumped into the air. "We're doing this! We're so doing it!"

He put his 'game-face' on.

"You ready to do this James?"

This time when asked, James' stomach didn't lurch. He smiled. "Ready."

One minute later, they were on stage.

Famous, Big Time Rush, Any Kind of Guy, Stuck, This Is Our Someday.

Mistakes? No. None.

Nerves? Completely evaporated.

Audience reaction? The boys could still hear the ring of screaming and whistling and insane applause and the crowd of thousands singing along in their ears.

The boys stumbled off stage, remembering to catch their breath as they transported back to the real world.

"Holy crap!" Carlos gasped. "I've never felt so alive!"

His friends laughed. They were filled head to toe with a giddy feeling. "That...was unreal."

Carlos patted a smiling James on the back. "See? You freaked out for nothing. Just imagine if you had ran off right before. You would've hated yourself!"

The lively chattering stopped right there. Kendall and Logan's gazes were fixed intently on the subject of Carlos' statement. "What?"

James managed to flash Carlos a glare before his other two friends moved in.

"Did something happen when we were on the other side of the stage?" Logan demanded.

James felt his cheeks heat up, and he began to stammer. "Uh, well, you see, um... Darn it, Carlos!"

"James. You panicked, didn't you?"

James sighed in defeat. He wasn't in the mood to lie. "Just a little bit-"

"A little bit?" Carlos interjected incredulously. "You almost gave the stage janitor a mess he should've been paid double to clean if he'd had to!"

"Custodian," Logan snapped reflexively, then shook his head. "James, you should've said-"

"Said what, Logan? I already told you guys I was scared out of my mind, and you told me not to think about it, so I took your advice, and I was fine until right before we went on, but Carlos calmed me down, and it all turned out smoothly, didn't it?"

Logan shared an apprehensive look with Kendall. James was right...

Logan sighed. "Yeah, it did. Sorry, man. Don't think I'm mad; I'm not."

James grinned and draped his arm over his smart friend's shoulder. "Nah, it's cool, Logan. Besides, now I know I don't have to worry about the rest of the tour. If nothing went wrong tonight, what could go wrong in the next five weeks?"

Now Logan got an uncomfortable look on his face, but when he went to respond, he was interrupted by Mrs. Knight running over to them, Katie trailing behind her.

"Oh, my boys, you were amazing! I'm so proud of all of you!"

Mrs. Knight pulled them in for a squishy group hug.

Kendall was the first to push away. "Thanks, Mom." He pecked her on the cheek.

Five heads turned to the sound of Katie's voice saying to a stage manager "You wanna buy a BTR t-shirt? Only fifty bucks, no tax. And if you get two, the second one retails at a great value of forty-nine ninety five. And if BTR fails, you can still use the shirts to wipe away any spills that might occur around the house."

"KATIE!"

"Here's my card..." Katie handed her business card to the very confused stage manager before hurrying over to congratulate her brothers.

"One down, five to go!"

That was Gustavo's congratulations to them.

They were still sweaty and flushed and pumped full of adrenalin by the time they escaped away to the bus an hour later.

Hugs and shouts and high-fives were still being exchanged when they piled back onto the bus. "Just think, we're doing that again in less than a week!"

James had to admit, he felt completely ludicrous for having had been so nervous. It had been a blast!

James laid awake while the others crashed as soon as their heads hit their pillows. He reflected on every single emotion, every individual thought that had ran through his mind while he was out there singing his heart out. Even though he'd told Carlos he would be more than fine once he got out there, he hadn't been so sure. But the instant he'd stepped foot on stage and heard the endless cheers from the myriad of audience members, all traces of worry were stripped from his demeanor, and he'd gone on to belt out lyrics, dance, and perform three back flips without hesitation. How could he have had worried so much? Logan was right. The dreams meant nothing. If anything, they really had been the opposite. Instead of one thing going wrong, everything had gone flawlessly.

Sighing happily, James closed his eyes as he felt the rush of the night fade away to a fuzzy feeling inside. Tonight had been simply astonishing. He couldn't ask for anything more.

The weeks flew by, way too fast for the boys' liking. They wanted to absorb every last incredible second of the experience, but before they knew it, they were in New Jersey for their final performance of the tour. It felt to all of them like the past five weeks hadn't even happened.

Each performance had gotten better than the previous. They grew more and more confident every time they stepped onto the stage, and James grew less and less nervous.

They had gotten massive exposure over the past five weeks. Fans everywhere we walking up to them on the streets and asking for pictures and autographs. BTR was at a high point. There was no way Griffin was going to call it quits on them, again. Not after this rocking tour.

However, there was something nagging at Logan. James. He'd been a lot better since the Chicago concert. What was worrying Logan was that James was getting a lot of fan interaction. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing. The more fans the better. Logan was just afraid that James was getting maybe a little too much fan interaction.

A true fan would brave anything to meet their icon, and apparently, James was the icon of a lot of teenage girls, and some of those teenage girls were braving something for a chance to meet James Diamond.

Sickness.

James would never know just how many of the hands he'd shaken had been sneezed on or coughed into prior to touching his.

Now it was about thirty seconds till show time. Kendall, Logan, and Carlos were feeling great. James was feeling alright. He'd developed a cough and a low-grade fever seemingly over night. However, it was nothing too serious, and though he'd been unsuccessful in hiding it from Logan, James had managed to convince the doctoral boy that even if his voice was a little rough, it was the last performance of the tour. He could handle it.

So Logan, reluctantly, agreed.

Logan should have known better.

"You good?" Carlos asked as he patted James on the shoulder.

"Yup. Even if I blow my voice after this, it's worth it."

Carlos grinned. "That's the spirit."

"...last stop on their big time tour, it's Big Time Rush!"

James ran out onto stage with Carlos and saw Logan and Kendall waltzing in from the other side of the curtain, the microphone already up to the blonde's lips, the first lyrics of Famous escaping his mouth and ringing out over the elated shrieks from the vast crowd.

Do you want to ride in a big limousine?

James brought the microphone to his mouth.

Tell me, do you want to take a little bite of the fame machine?

Carlos' eyes shone as he belted out the next lines.

If you wanna be discovered and end up on the cover

of every star studded supermarket magazine.

You can do it,

Stick right to it.

It could happen tonight.

You wanna be famous (famous).

You wanna be the one who's living the life.

You wanna be famous (famous).

You wanna be the one who's taking the free ride.

The crowd went wild as the last notes faded and started right up into Big Time Rush.

Way too soon, the boys were singing

Why wait? Why wait?

Cause this is our someday.

And then there was that moment where all the boys could hear was the eruption of screams and unrestrained cheers. They felt elevated, like they were floating. It was pure bliss. What a way to end the tour.

What a way to end it, indeed.

As the cheers finally began to die down to scattered claps and a few more whistles, James felt it. He knew it was going to happen before it did, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He hadn't been feeling this bad before the concert, he really hadn't, but now...

James' eyes widened as he felt his stomach jerk and twist. Logan's eyes were drawn to his suddenly pale friend as his hand shot up to cover his mouth. He knew James hadn't looked well before they went on. Logan really should have known better. They both knew what was going to happen.

Apparently so did the crowd, as proven when the front three rows cried out and scrambled back, desperate to get away before...

No longer able to hold it down, James doubled over, one hand clutching his stomach, the other still clamped firmly over his mouth. It did nothing to stop the gush of vomit that made its way through his fingers and splattered onto the stage floor.

James could hear the gasps and shouts of disgust and shock from the crowd as his body heaved again.

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan only looked on in terror, frozen and unable to function, to even think, as their poor friend gagged again and again, his grip on his stomach tightening.

Finally James was done retching, but he was still doubled over. He was able to think. And what he was thinking was 'Now I've done it. The tour went flawlessly, and now...now we're over.'

There was a sudden silence. Nobody in the entire audience moved. Nobody on stage flinched.

How had it all gone south so promptly?

So much for New Jersey being the least worried-about performance.

Logan really, really should have known better.

But if anyone should have taken precaution, it was James.

The night before, he'd dreamed the performance had gone perfectly.

Felt bad about taking so long to get chapter 20 out, so hope this speedy update makes up for it! And as for chapter 22, well...I doubt it'll come out fast. I don't even know what's going to go on. :O

"If nothing went wrong tonight, what could go wrong in the next five weeks?" -The moment when you're like, 'Way to speak too soon, James.'

Whoa! So long...but so good! At least, I think so. I hope. Was it?

Hurling during a performance, that's never good. At least it was at the end, but still... What's gonna happen now? Uh oh...tune in to chapter 22 (whenever it comes) to find out! ;)