Author's Note: I've recently read somewhere that the majority of fanfiction writers and readersare female…I guess I never thought about it, but I think it's true. I wonder why that is? I have a feeling yaoi has a lot to do with it…xD

I know of a couple male readers of this fic, do I have any more? Just curious :3

Chapter 17: Scapegoat

"Niisan…I can't believe you had Ling arrested for being an illegal alien."

"I knew the day would come when my *hic* State Alchemist title was finally good for something!"

"Niisan…you're a jerk…"

Flashback to train ride

"…and so my clan chose me for this mission because I watched the most episodes of Naruto, thus I was the most skilled ninja."

Once again, the Elric brothers were on a train to Central, but this time they had some company.

"How come they *hic* sent you to find friends?" asked an inebriated Winry.

"Each of my clan members is of a different social class, so no one is allowed to be friends."

"Ling, where did your escorts go?" asked Al curiously. "Didn't they follow you here?"

"They're back in their Pokéballs."

"Oh."

"Why do you need escorts anyway?" asked Ed.

"While I can defend myself, it's best for me not to travel alone. I'm only a teenager, after all."

"Really? How old are you?" asked Al.

"I'm fifteen."

"Hey *hic* Ed, aren't you almost sixteen?"

"Hm?" Ed was sure Winry was confused because she was drunk. "No, I'm twelve."

"Actually, she's right, Niisan. You turn sixteen in two months."

Ed chuckled. "Don't be ridiculous, Al. I'm twelve."

"No, you're not."

"But I turned twelve and then joined the army."

"Yeah. That was over three years ago."

Ed stared, then chuckled again, this time more nervously. "C'mon, Al, quit pulling my chain."

Al stared.

"Be serious, Al. I'm like 4'11."

Al, Winry, and Ling stared as Ed's face went from confusion, to amusement, to confusion again, then to horror.

There are a total of three recorded earth-shaking, spine-chilling screams in this world…One was emitted approximately two seconds after Vato Falman, age eighteen, received his first military assignment as Eastern Headquarters' hotdog vendor. The second was from Stephanie Meyer who, upon completing her masterpiece exploring the depth of human love and compassion, received the Blue Screen of Death from her computer, thus having to crap something out for her publisher's deadline in two hours. The last was a collective scream; many nerds around the world were devastated over the cheesiness of Harry Potter's ending.

Such was the scream that emitted from Edward's throat.

Present

"…It's not his fault you're short for your age."

"Don't *hic* call me short. I'll…I'll…I'll turn you into a *hic* Prius!"

"I think you should put the bottle away now-"

"I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS!"

And so he wouldn't.

At the warehouse, Falman and Barry had just finished a very one-sided game of chess when Falman decided to open up about his life. "…and then my mom made me join the military. She said that nerds don't deserve to be happy."

"…Boy, when people said they'd rather have a root canal than listen to certain people, I had a hard time believing them until today."

"But I thought you said you didn't bother with Novacain."

"On one occasion, the author had a cavity drilled without the use of Novacain. She'd do it ten times over to undo watching 'Skins' that one time."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, really."

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Falman's face turned serious as he readied his gun, just in case it was Jehovah's witnesses again.

"It's me!" said Havoc.

"Phew." Falman opened the door. "Tell me you're here to cover me."

"Yeah, I'm sick of hearing about his mom," piped Barry.

"Nope, I just came here to bring you food. The Colonel says I can't cover you since I used up all my sick days to go to Disney World."

A vein in Falman's left temple twitched.

Havoc went on. "He also thanks you for being the perfect subordinate and having the most unused sick days out of all of us. It makes you the most useful one in covert operations like these."

"How is this a covert operation? All I do is sit hear and guard my mouth against this weirdo."

"Gee, Falman, I'd love to stay and listen to your boring problems all day long, but I have a hot date on the outside world waiting for me."

"Havoc…What's it like? Having a date?"

"I dunno, it's pretty sweet I guess. What's it like having an IQ of 190?"

"It's like seeing the world through a thousand perfect, clear eyes, each seeing the same thing; a society that is naught more than a vile, squirming nest of inconsiderate vermin, each leaving its own trail of filth and rudeness in its wake."

"Uh…Falman, buddy? Havoc left."

"Oh."

"Your perfect, clear eyes didn't see that?"

"Shut up."

The woman named Sheska wiped her sweaty brow as she carried heavy documents through the hallway. She had managed to find a job at Central Headquarters after Sergeant Foker discovered her picture-perfect memory.

She still remembered what a Betamax was.

"Sheska!" Another woman of higher rank approached her. "You were working in the 3rd document storage room, right? Do you have the key?"

"Oh, the 3rd one? Yes I have it let me just- oh wait, no, you can't go in there!"

"Why not?"

Sheska frantically searched her mind for some excuse.

"Um…I, er…the room is…I'm using it as a refrigerator now, you'll have to come back later."

"Oh, okay." She walked away.

"Phew…"

That had been close. She then decided to peek into the room and check on the Colonel. "Colonel Mustang, sir? Are you done reading those naughty magazines?"

"Huh?" Roy abruptly woke up amongst a pile of Playboy magazines. "Oh…how long have I been in here?"

"About ten minutes."

"Hm." Roy got up and left the room. "Clean all those, will ya?" he vaguely waved at the magazines behind him.

"What do I do with them?"

"Feed them to the Chupacabra."

After washing his face in the bathroom sink, Roy gazed intently at his reflection in the mirror. It had been a few weeks since Hughes's death, but he was no closer to finding out who killed him than when he had first began. He sighed and closed his eyes. He really did miss him…

"COLONEL ROY MUSTANG."

"…shit."

"FANCY MEETING YOU HERE."

"Hi, Major."

Armstrong got out of the stall and washed his hands.

"So how was your inspection of the south?"

"IT WENT VERY WELL."

Roy noticed the bandages on Armstrong's head. "It seems you've been injured."

"I WAS IMPALED BY A COW HORN. THE STEROIDS BLOCK THE PAIN."

"I see."

"I ALSO MET THE ELRICS THERE."

"Oh? How are they?"

"IT SEEMS THEY ARE BEING LOOKED AFTER BY SOME SORT OF SHE-WITCH AND HER MINIONS."

"Hm."

"YOU KNOW, IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT SUCH A YOUNG BOY AS EDWARD IS IN THE MILITARY."

"Yes…One day, he'll experience hell on the battlefield, just like we did."

"INDEED."

Roy looked at the mirror one more time and rubbed his hand against the stubble on his cheeks. Then he put the towel away and picked up his jacket."By the way, Major, I know this sounds a bit out of the blue, but… I've been getting some very lewd calls from some guy named Garfiel. I looked him up and I'm pretty sure he's a registered sex offender. Would you happen to know if anyone's been giving my cards away to strange people?"

"I DO NOT."

"Hm."

"It felt right. Being Maria Ross. Somehow it felt right."

"…You have a few complications you need to work through, Spam."

STD, Spam, and Fat-Ass were in an underground meeting again, Spam looking in front of a full-length mirror as he cupped his hands over his flat chest. Fat-Ass sat a few meters away, observing. He had a white piece of paper on his tongue.

STD cleared her throat. "Continuing our earlier conversation…Mustang has been sniffing around about Hughes's death lately, hasn't he?"

"It seems so."

"Did he find something definite?"

"Not really. He sucks at research, he keeps procrastinating and reading Playboy instead. I don't think we have anything to worry about."

"It's a shame we can't just kill him. It's bad enough he's not evil like us, but he's been costing the military at least twelve thousand a year in faulty and backed-up paperwork."

Spam started pacing. "I'm worried that he might find something out eventually," he continued. "He can't procrastinate forever."

"Why don't we complicate the plot even more and have someone arrested for Hughes's death?"

"Hm, I don't see why not- Hey! Fat-Ass! What is wrong with you?" Spam finally noticed the white paper on Fat-Ass's tongue.

STD rubbed the bridge of her nose in annoyance. "We told you not to put those temporary tattoos on your tongue, Fat-Ass," she said. "The toxins are probably why you keep having meltdowns over your self-image."

"I'm thorry."

"Speaking of which, mine's starting to wear off." Spam walked over to the pile of temporary Ouroboros tattoos in the corner.

"Anyway, I say we find a scapegoat as soon as possible," said STD.

As he sifted through the slips of temporary tattoos in hopes of finding a pink one, Spam thought out loud. "Let's see…who in the military is hotter than both of us?"

"Second Lieutenant Maria Ross," said the high-ranked officer as he approached Maria at the Central Headquarters cafeteria.

"Yes?"

"Please hand over your gun and come with me."

"Why?"

"You are under arrest."

"Look, if this is about the time I sprayed our school bus with moose pheromones, that record was expunged years ago-"

"You are a prime suspect in the murder of Brigadier General Hughes."

"Oh…Ohhhhhhh crap."

Havoc walked hurriedly towards the café, where his date was waiting.

"Sorry I'm late Solaris!"

"Not at all. I haven't waited long."

"You look especially fine today, Solaris, I'm so happy we're spending time together!"

STD smirked under her disguise. Spam had said that the joke glasses with the mustache, big nose, and bushy eyebrows made a terrible disguise, but clearly they were working.

"I can't wait to hear more of your stories about the military, Jean…"

"I don't see why you have to be drunk right now," said Ed to Winry as they approached Central Headquarters.

"Garfiel says I *hic* have to," said Winry. "It's the only thing that keeps my second head in check."

"Your first head is the one that needs checking, if you ask me," muttered Ed. "Anyway, we'll meet you at the inn."

"Okay." She left just as Al spotted someone familiar.

"Oh hey look, Niisan, it's Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Hello, boys, long time no see."

"Nice to see you aga- oh crap, that means Mustang is here too."

"Yo, Fullmetal." Roy just exited the building as well.

"Pfffft what are you doing here?"

"I was transferred here recently. My new office is pretty sweet, wanna see it?"

"No."

"You're never fun to be around."

"Hey how is Hughes? We wanted to visit him."

Roy hesitated. "Er…He won the lottery."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah. He lives in the Disney Castle now."

"Isn't it made of plastic?"

"Hey! Why don't you kids head to the inn, eh? They built a McDonald's there. It has a playground and everything."

"OH BOY!" Ed nearly skipped to the inn, Al following him in shame.

"By the way, sir," said Hawkeye as she showed him a file, "it seems that Second Lieutenant Maria Ross was arrested for Hughes's murder."

Roy searched his memory. "Hm, Maria Ross…Maria Ross…"

"It's okay, sir. You don't have to pretend to know women's names around me."

"Oh, that's good."

"She's one of the Major's subordinates, but she denies everything."

"I see." Roy thought for a moment. "Lieutenant Doveliver, I want you to look up any and all documents related to…to, um…"

"Maria Ross."

"Right. Be sure to keep it top secret."

"Just like your tattoo, sir?"

Roy turned red.

"Yeah well you have a tattoo also!"

Liza turned on her heel and walked away with utmost dignity.

"Mine's better."

Meanwhile, Armstrong had decided to visit Maria Ross in jail to see if he could possibly help her.

"SO WHAT HAPPENED?"

"They said they recovered a bullet from my gun from Hughes's body."

"THERE WAS A BULLET MISSING FROM YOUR GUN."

"That's because I shot a suit-of-armor dentist named Barry at the 5th laboratory!"

"…YOU MEAN YOU SHOT A KNOWINGLY DECEASED DENTIST AT A BUILDING THAT LATER EXPLODED?"

"…Yeah?"

"IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD COME UP WITH ANOTHER STORY. YOU DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK YOU ARE ON DRUGS."

"Oh Major, are they going to execute me?"

"PROBABLY."

"What should I do? Who should I hire as a lawyer?"

"APPARENTLY WARRANT OFFICER FALMAN HAD STUDIED LAW AT ONE POINT, PERHAPS YOU CAN ASK HIM TO REPRESENT YOU."

"Where is he now?"

"ON SICK LEAVE. ACCORDING TO THE COLONEL, HE IS CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM MASSIVE HEMORRHOIDS."

"That…doesn't help…"

"I KNOW OF A FINE FUNERAL HOME IN DOWNTOWN CENTRAL. I SHALL INFORM YOUR PARENTS OF THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION."

"Go. Just go."

CHAPTER EPILOGUE

Roy walked into his office the next day only to stop dead in his tracks at the sight before him.

"Havoc," he said, "did you move your desk?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, I did. I thought it looked better like this."

Roy's eyebrow twitched. "It's not facing north," he whispered menacingly. "Put it back."

"It's bolted to the floor."

Before he could retaliate, Roy felt the familiar spasms and ran to the bathroom before it was too late.

His subordinates were frightened of their own stomach pains that followed, but they were merely from laughing their asses off so hard.

Author's Note: I HAVEN'T MADE A SINGLE SHORT JOKE REGARDING ED

Except for now

o.o

Hope you enjoyed it :D

So I notice I get a ridiculous number of hits every month. I find this pretty awesome, especially since I also get hits from so many different countries (including Nippon! :D) So c'mon guys, review. I really wanna know what people are thinking about this fic, I put a lot of thought and effort into it ^_^