Falling Apart

As soon as the door slammed shut behind him, Levi let out a quiet, frustrated sound. His throat felt tight and his eyes prickled. Damn it, he wasn't going to cry! With a deep breath, he clenched his fists and blinked rapidly, getting himself back under control. Hanji and the kids were just right across the hall. Eren and Mikasa couldn't see him like that; they would worry.

This was why Levi hardly dated, why he hadn't had a successful long term relationship. Men didn't like how cold and coarse and awkward he was. People like him weren't meant for relationships- he knew that. He'd been cautious because of the fact. But with Erwin- he thought he'd been doing so well with Erwin. Levi thought he had understood, and accepted him anyway.

It wasn't just his fault though! Erwin had been keeping things from him. Levi's stomach boiled at the thought of Erwin lying to him. At least Levi had always been straight forward. He'd guessed that Erwin had been holding some things back from him. Foolishly, Levi had assumed it wasn't a big deal, that it was something Erwin would talk to him about when he was ready.

But Levi wouldn't be left in the dark. He'd promised himself after waking up cold and abandoned all those years ago that he wouldn't let a man play him like that again. Erwin hadn't lied or tricked him to that extent yet, but keeping something like a high risk career from him? That wasn't a good sign.

Levi wondered if this meant the end of their relationship. He wasn't sure to be honest. He was angry and so was Erwin.

But that didn't matter because he didn't have time. With his evening break over- which had lasted longer than it was supposed to- the weight of his upcoming deadline came crashing down on him again.

There was no time. Levi didn't have any emotional or mental strength to deal with this. So, even though Levi hated to shove problems to the side and deal with them later, he didn't really have a choice. He couldn't possibly deal with this head on.

With another breath, Levi stood himself up straight. Time to get back home.

From behind the door, he could hear the sound of laughter and squealing. Good, at least his kids would be in a good mood. He entered the apartment silently and took off his shoes, just as a few sets of pattering feet came rushing into the living room. Mikasa gripped Armin's hand tightly and dragged him towards the couch. Eren followed behind, a paper towel roll wielded in his hand as a weapon.

Once Armin was safely on the couch, doll clenched tight against his chest, Eren turned toward the hallway in a protective stance and cried, "Protect the Princesses from the monster 'Kasa!"

From the hall came Hanji, making exaggerated stomps and roaring dramatically, with their head thrown back.

Ah. Levi understood now.

The three little ones squealed in anticipation and Eren held his cardboard roll sword high in the air, making big slashing motions. Levi watched in amusement until Hanji caught sight of him, halting mid stomp.

"Hey Levi!" Hanji greeted, completely unashamed of their monster persona.

"Papa!" Eren cried, scurrying around the couch to greet him. Behind him came Mikasa, still holding onto Armin's hand. "We're fighting the Hanji monster who's tryin' a get Armin and Tricia!" Eren explained rapidly, brandishing his sword as proof. "Kasa and me are knights!"

"I saw," Levi replied.

"Where's Erwin?" Hanji asked.

"He's at home," Levi replied quickly, not making eye contact. Instead he kept his attention to Eren, who was resolutely telling his story over the adults talking, determined to be heard. In fact, his voice only rose when Hanji started speaking again.

"Is everything alright?" they asked. "You don't normally return back alone when-"

"If you want the details, you can ask Erwin," Levi said sharply, cutting them off.
Hanji frowned and looked a little hurt. A small twinge of guilt struck Levi; he was usually more kind to them. But he shook it off quickly.

"It's time for Armin and Hanji to leave now," Levi announced flatly.

Immediately a small complaint rose up among the kids, but Levi silenced it with a sharp look. Mikasa knew better than to keep arguing with Papa when he gave them that look. Eren wasn't as aware, but Mikasa always poked him in the side and shook her head at him. That usually got the point across.

Instead, Eren gave Armin a tight hug and said a sad goodbye to him. Without looking at Levi, Hanji came forward and scooped Armin into their arms, telling him it was time to get ready for bed. Mikasa waved and Eren repeatedly called out goodbye until the door shut.

"Alright, time for you to get jammies on too," Levi said, placing a hand on each shoulder and attempting to herd them towards the hallway.

"But Papa! I'm not tired!" Eren argued.

"Well that's what happens when someone decides it's a good idea to let the kids run around right before bed," Levi muttered irritably under his breath.

"What Papa?" Eren asked.

"I said 'too bad it's bedtime'," Levi answered shortly.

Eren gave him a pouting look before crossing his arms and marching towards his room. Mikasa hesitated and gave her Papa a confused look, before hurrying after.

In the back of his mind, Levi knew he was being more impatient that usual. It was a little unfair. The kids and Hanji weren't to blame for his heightened state of stress. He really ought to reign himself in, maybe take out his frustration through a good session of writing.

But another part of him knew that wasn't going to solve the problem. At this point, Levi didn't really know what would.

Everyone when to bed a little grumpy that night. With much prodding and nagging Eren and Mikasa were put to bed, both with little frowns on their faces. Not even goodnight kisses seemed to help their mood. Immediately, Levi returned to his office and set about writing. He could never quite get fully focused on his project. His mind wandered too much, guilt and stress pulling his thoughts every which way. Finally, Levi gave up and tried to get some sleep.

Unsurprisingly, it alluded him, the thoughts whizzing around in his mind, leaving him restless and frustrated.

Early morning found Levi back in his office trying to write. A cup of coffee, already empty, rested on a coaster beside him. In his lap was his notebook, full of outlines, ideas, and research notes. He'd searched through it briefly, like it might hold some sort of inspiration for him. That hadn't helped as much as he'd like. Instead he found himself skimming what he'd already written, hoping that would give him the spark of creativity he needed.

Eren and Mikasa found him like this when they woke up. Usually they woke up to Levi getting ready for the day of making breakfast for them. Instead they stood in the doorway of his office and watched as their Papa frustratedly tapped on the keyboard.

"Papa, did you work all night long?" Eren asked, with amazement despite Mikasa's hand on his arm to stop him. They weren't supposed to interrupt Papa when he was working. And he looked extra grumpy today too.

Levi looked up from his computer and then back to check the time. It was later than he thought.

"No, Papa just got up early," he replied, moving quickly to save his document. "Are you two ready for breakfast?"

"Yes! I'm hungry!" Eren declared. "And Mikasa is hungry too!"

For the kids, Levi cut up a banana and got out the strawberry yogurt. His little monkeys loved having parfaits; they thought it was a special treat, like a dessert. Really it was easy for Levi to whip together and healthy too, but he kept that information to himself. No need for them to lose their love of something that was an easy fall back for Levi. But serving it this morning was his way of an apology being a little short the night before. The guilt and stress of everything had weighted on him heavily.

So he added extra granola; it was their favorite part.

When he placed the plastic kids' cups filled with fruit and yogurt on the table in front of them, Eren stood up on his seat and bounced up and down.

"Sit down Eren, or I can't give you your spoon," Levi instructed. He waited until the boy was settled before handing each of them a spoon. "Please don't make a mess."

The only downside to yogurt was that it was sticky and no matter what precautions Levi took, Eren always seemed to get it everywhere. The was a deep sort of itch in the back of Levi's mind- worse than usual- for him to stand and watch his kids eat, to be ready to clean up the first drop that got on the table and chairs. Instead he made himself make another cup of coffee. He'd already had one or two mugs that morning and really, he preferred the taste and calming effects of tea. But Levi needed the higher dose of caffeine to get him through the day.

As Levi rinsed out and washed his mug, he felt his phone ping in his pocket. Immediately, his stomach tightened. He had a strong suspicion of who it was. With a sigh, Levi pulled out his phone and saw Erwin's name. No, he didn't have the time or emotional energy for this stuff. So he ignored the text and stuffed his phone back in his pocket.

Then he heard the sound of a metallic clang and a splat. Oh god, he really didn't have time for this. He turned around and saw Eren's plastic cup tipped over and the boy trying to scoop the yogurt back in. He had a frantic look in his eyes and started scooping faster while Levi watched as the yogurt spread further across the table.

"Eren," he breathed out frustrated.

"It's okay Papa! I'm cleaning it up!" Eren replied immediately, looking up to him apologetically.

"No, please Eren," Levi said quickly. "You just go and play. I'll take care of it."

With a ducked head, Eren scooted off his chair and ran out of the room. Levi knew he'd hurt his feelings and should do something about it. But the sticky goopy mess that was congealing on the table top was making his skin itch. As he wiped up the spill, Levi knew he needed to pull himself together, or he and his kids wouldn't survive the next two weeks.

The extra reminder of his upcoming deadline caused a rush of dread to flash through his spine. Immediately, Levi began to scrub faster.

He didn't have time. But everything was falling apart and needing his attention.
Levi didn't know how he was going to do it.

The rest of the day passed in an almost feverish haze. The hours were spent rushing from the computer to the kids, to the dirt that seemed to slowly inch its way all over the apartment. To keep himself from having a complete and utter breakdown, Levi kept himself strictly focused on whatever task was at hand.

Like in the serious situations he'd run into in the past, Levi was able to feel an odd sense of calm and extreme focus. All other feeling became unimportant and sank away, not urgent enough to matter in the moment. He didn't have time or mental capacity to spare for anything other than the drive and focus to get everything done.

At dinnertime, Mikasa and Eren sat at the table, eating peanut butter sandwiches with red rimmed eyes. As they ate, they watched their Papa scrub at the dishes in the sink- only a knife and a few cups- with vigor. His arms and legs shook, but he ignored it. Right now, his mind and body had switched to survival mode. The most important thing was to keep the kids alive and finish his draft. He would get it done, no matter how rough a manner it had to be done in.

When Papa told Eren and Mikasa it was time for bed as soon as they'd finished eating, neither of them argued. Both could see that their Papa was not acting normal, that he was very distressed. Eren didn't even mention that he wasn't tired yet.

The goodnight kisses he left on their foreheads felt cold and mechanical.

With the children out of the way, Levi immediately set about writing again. He hated everything he wrote, but he forced himself to continue on. Time passed inconsequentially to him. He only checked the clock when he heard crying from the kids' bedroom.

For a moment, his drive was paused, as he hurried to the children. As suspected, Eren was having a terror. Levi sat on the bed with Mikasa in his arms, watching his son toss and scream and he felt a disorienting disconnect. He could feel how automatic his actions were, how without feeling. But he couldn't pull himself out of it.

After Eren had settled back down into a peaceful sleep, Levi let Mikasa follow him into his office. She curled up on his lap while he shifted back into full writing mode again. He completely forgot she was even in the room until she stirred around dawn.

But his body couldn't keep up with this pace forever.

With one day passing and no word from Levi, Erwin wasn't sure what to do. Had he given Levi enough time to cool off and talk things over? Should he send him another text? Should he just show up at his door and ask to be let in? Or did Levi need more time? At the very least, Erwin wanted some assurance that Levi was physically okay.

The text he had sent the day before had seen no reply. Erwin had just wanted to talk. The argument had… well Erwin had been stupid. They both were under a lot of stress and said things they hadn't meant. Well, he couldn't speak for Levi, but Erwin knew he'd been wrong. As soon as Levi had stormed out of the room, he'd felt terrible. He had used words against Levi that he knew would hurt the most. And that was wrong of him.

There had been a lot of things Erwin had done wrong though, like not telling Levi about his job. But he wanted to make things right. However, Levi was also under a lot of pressure at the moment. Erwin hoped he hadn't made him more distressed than he already was.

But, he supposed it would be best to wait for Levi to come to him. Then they could talk. And maybe, Erwin could fix things. Because he didn't want things to be over for them. It was just a little fight after all. They could definitely work things out.

Erwin pondered these things as he prepared for his day at work. Hanji was already over for the day, playing with Armin. They had asked many questions and been concerned after having come back from Levi's apartment. So far though, Erwin had avoided telling them anything.

There was a sudden quiet tapping on the door, almost unnoticeable that made Erwin pause as he buttoned his shirt. Curious, he went to the door, passing Hanji and Armin who were too engrossed in a book to notice. Through the peephole, Erwin couldn't see anything, but he opened the door to check anyway.

It was Mikasa in her pajamas, with hot red streaks of tears running down her cheeks.

Immediately, Erwin dropped down on one knee. "What's wrong Mikasa? Where's your Papa?"

"Papa's hurt," Mikasa hiccupped, "Help!"

Behind him, Erwin could hear Hanji asking what was going on, but Erwin was already standing up.

"Go inside to Hanji," he commanded, not waiting to see if Mikasa followed the instruction before marching across the hall.

Internally, he pushed down his panic. There was only one thing that needed to be done: making sure Levi and Eren were okay.

The door to their apartment was open ajar and Erwin entered it without knocking. The apartment was quiet, except for the sound of Eren's crying- something he recognized well. His eyes took a quick sweep of the kitchen and living room, before he hurried to the hallway.

The crying was coming from Levi's office. Eren sat on the ground, wailing and calling for his Papa.

And Levi.

Levi was sprawled, collapsed on the floor by his desk.

AN: Officially there are only two more chapters left! Hope you guys enjoy, despite the wait.

As always you can find me on tumblr at alliechick . tumblr . com. I post some extras and answer questions there and just generally talk about Single Daddies. Also, I recently added a donate button there, so if you'd like to support me in that way it'd be much appreciated.

Love,

Allie