Chapter 21
Uncertainty Factors
"Kurt? You okay?"
"No. No, I'm not because I'm stressed again about all this work I have to do, and it's not like you haven't been attempting to help…"
"Yeah, I screwed up the ring thing."
"Yeah, you sort of did, but it's okay. It's just…I don't know. I don't want a planner anywhere near this. I want to do it by myself but doing it by myself is slightly rendering me insane, so I don't know. I don't know who else am I supposed to rely on for these things because they matter so much to me, and they shouldn't. I'm fairly materialistic and shallow."
"Hummel, I'm materialistic and shallow. It's not a bad thing."
"Sebastian, I let you abstain from sex for a year and so because I did not want you to see me naked, not because I thought you'd make fun of me but only out of pure shame. I also have acted so shallow towards you on multiple occasions."
"Like I said, Hummel; it's not a bad thing. Hey, I'd love to deny all of that crap, but hell, you were pretty shallow. And you are pretty shallow. You dress up in ways that would definitely make people raise their eyebrows and you stick out, but you know what? So fucking what? I like you like this. Fine. I'll make fun of you if you're wearing a skirt, but truth is, Hummel…it's okay. I don't mind that you're this way. Most of the time, I love that you're this way because I'd be raising eyebrows if you were like completely perfect."
"That is true. Blaine was essentially perfect, and I hate to think I'd gotten bored of him."
"People like us we need a certain kind of chaos, but this is too much for you. Maybe we should try that thing again where you tell me to pick up crap or…?"
"I think so, but our wedding would be chaos this way and I just can't help but feel like…it can't be. That it just has to be perfect, or else. Do you know that feeling, Sebastian? Do you?"
"No, I don't. I mean it's just a wedding to me. I don't understand how anyone could think of it as more than just a wedding or whatever but if it's more than a wedding to you, it's more than a wedding to me."
"I need this to be the happiest moment of my life. That's the thing. I need this wedding to be something I look back on every time I get upset, and feel better about myself instantly."
"You know that's not how it works, K."
"I know, but I need to have that thought because it's the one that's kept me sane for so long…I just don't know what to do without it. It's just a few months. I'll get over-stressed, I'll cry but it's my fault. I know this is what I want to do. It hurts me, but it's what I have to do for the sake of my own sanity."
"K, you sound crazy to me. Why would you hurt yourself so much for a fantasy, you know?"
"I just need it. It's been fuelling my mind for so, so long…I just imagined I'd be happier doing this whole thing. I just imagined things would be different, that the actual planning process won't drive me absolutely insane."
"What now?"
"…"
"…"
"Can you possibly pick up the suits today? I…I don't think I have enough time to. Something else is clashing. I…"
"Yeah, K. Yeah."
"Okay."
"Please don't fuck yourself up for one night's pleasure, okay? You're going to do good, and it's going to be good, because it's you that's doing it."
"I wish I can believe that."
"Yeah, K…me too."