… So, uh, I haven't been eaten by a Titan.

Okay, so school kept me busier than I expected and I may or may not have lost the motivation to write this story for a little while.

But! Have no fear, the holidays are here! I have a pretty full plate, so my updating will be very infrequent from now on. I apologise sincerely. I will try my best to update often, though. To be honest, this chapter was revised quite a few times because I wasn't quite happy with how it turned out.

I know I haven't been replying to reviews recently, but let it be known that I read every single comment and it gives me motivation. You guys are just so nice -wipes away tear-

And I thought life was hard enough the first time.

OC self-insert (because I'm that shameless)

-0-

I stared down at the body in front of me, its blank eyes staring up at the treetops. I shouldn't have volunteered to help Levi collect his fallen squad members. This hurt a lot more than it should have, especially for someone who had been expecting this.

I cleaned away the blood on Petra's face gently, her skin cold to the touch. It was hard to believe only hours ago, that same skin had been warm with life. Now, it only held the icy touch of death.

Her eyes were open. Why did everyone's eyes stay open in death? I didn't want to remember them like them. I wanted to remember them the way they had been in life, not the shells they were.

Dimly, I wondered if they were already reincarnated the way I had been and if they were happy with their new lives. Mainly, I prayed they didn't remember. I would never want to wish onto someone the fear and pain of facing Titans, even if it was just a distant memory.

Oh, god, I was crying. I didn't want to cry now. I still had to cut her down (I couldn't bear the thought of needing to remove Petra's cold fingers from her handgrips just to reel in her hooks) and remove her Maneuver Gear, which could still be salvaged. I shook my head at myself, silently apologising to Petra as I cut the wires holding her up and let her flop to the ground lifelessly. Like a marionette with its strings cut.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, wiping away the tears that still fell. I shut my eyes and shook my head, letting my hair hide my face as I leant down and picked her up. Dead weight.

Stop that.

"Stop crying," Levi ordered and I ducked my head, trying to hide my tear-stained face. I sniffed, blinking my eyes free of remaining tears.

"Sorry," I murmured. I laid Petra down onto the sheet they had spread out to wrap her in, smoothing her hair back and taking the time to shut her eyes.

I already knew there was more to death than just dying – that dying wasn't the end. It didn't really make me feel better. Finally, I covered her and tied her up the way Levi had shown me, placing her onto a borrowed horse on top of Gunther.

"We're heading back," Levi announced, effortlessly mounting his horse with Eld and Oluo settled in front of him. I followed at a slower pace, uneasily thinking of the half-body that sat in front of him. I felt bad, not being able to find his bottom half. I should have. I found it once, I should have been able to find it a second time. Levi didn't give me a chance to.

Grief sat heavily in my chest. It was a familiar emotion in this life. It only lingered, growing bigger with each loss and getting easier to hide away.

Their deaths were partially my fault… weren't they?

As the thought formed, I looked away from Levi. I told Eren to trust in them, trust in their abilities, and it had resulted in their deaths. I choked back a sob. I had just helped seal their coffins.

The ride back to the rendezvous point was silent, which was expected. Levi wasn't a talkative person. He didn't try to console me and I didn't bother either. Guilt mingled with the grief and I had to swallow down bile as my stomach turned.

They had placed a line of dead. I supposed it was for easy identification, not to mention just piling them up like sacks of trash was disrespectful. We knew those corpses that lay before us, comrades who had fallen in battle with honour. I placed Petra and Gunther next to each other and just stood there, looking down at them.

They had… died young. I didn't know their ages, but they died much younger than they should have. Tears pricked my eyes, but I blinked them away furiously. They wouldn't have wanted me to cry over them. They were soldiers and they had died. It was an occupational hazard. People died; that was a fact I was painfully aware of. It wasn't anything new.

I knelt down and brushed a hand over both canvas coverings before standing up once more. I sucked in a deep breath and wiped my face clear of tears before searching for Armin. I found him easily, with Jean loading our fallen comrades into a cart. When he noticed me nearing, he rushed to the side and nearly fell off the edge in his haste.

I tried for a smile, but all I managed was a pathetic twitch of my lips; that was how emotionally drained I was.

"How's Eren?" Armin asked hesitantly. I was just glad he hadn't asked me if I was okay because my answer would have been hell no and he would have been worried.

I blinked a couple times, shaking my head. "He's just tired," I replied, tilting my head. "It was… messy."

Actually, it was a lot more than that (rage, hatredanguishwhatifwedon'tmakeit, whywhywhy), but messy seemed to fit the situation well enough.

Armin's hand brushed the crown of my head. "Are you…?" Worry shined in his blue eyes. You know, I always thought it would be cool to have blue eyes, but that would fit the stereotypical blue-eyed ginger image, wouldn't it?

This time, I managed a grimace. "I will be."

"Okay." He looked over his shoulder, posture slumping in characteristic sadness. The scene was pathetic, but not unfamiliar. It was like Trost all over again.

"I'll help," I offered, not that I really had a choice. I could hardly just sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself when there was still so much to be done. I figured it was only a matter of time before some senior officer barked at me to get to work and start loading the cart. I glanced at the cart Eren was in, Mikasa hovering over it protectively. As long as I didn't have to talk to Mikasa just yet, I was fine.

Jean smirked at me, but it was a shadow of its former self. "At least you brought my horse back," he said.

I choked out a humourless chuckle. "I exist to please you, Kirstein."

His smirk dropped and my chuckle died as we faced those who would be placed in the cart. It wasn't easy to keep our spirits up when faced with those who would never laugh or smile again. The question how many more seemed to linger in the air.

"This is the part I never get used to," he muttered.

Armin's lips thinned. "No one does."

"No one should," I sighed. Not children. My mind wandered. Not us.

Jean didn't meet either of our eyes as he wondered aloud, "How are my friends going to die? How am I going to die? It's all you can think about."

Melancholic thoughts that fit our situation, but they made me uncomfortable. I was used to having those thoughts (dying once had that effect sometimes), but I never wanted to hear those same thoughts echoing through the others' minds and spilling from their lips. They were fifteen. We shouldn't be burying our friends. In a perfect world, we wouldn't.

I was all too aware that this world was far from perfect.

"I try not to dwell on it," Armin replied somewhat cheerfully, looking down at the corpse by his feet. "If I pictured how I'm going to die, I probably wouldn't be able to fight."

"Yeah. You're right," Jean acknowledged.

I pressed my lips together, eyes trained on the wide expanse of land in front of us. I couldn't look at either of them – at their defeated looks and slumped shoulders.

"Sometimes you can't help but wonder, though," I mused. God only knew how many times I had. It was almost a game. A sick, twisted game where the last thing I wanted to do was win, because winning could mean dying (again). A tear trickled out of my eye and I wiped it away furiously, trying my best to banish the ache in my chest.

Emotionally stable, my ass. I felt like a complete wreck right now.

There were some nights when I lay awake and wondered who would join those in the stars. I wondered if I would be the one looking over my friends up in space. Well, either that or I was simply thrown into some other life, hopefully with my memories erased. Heck, maybe I might even find myself in another one of those impossible universes I had read or watched Back Then. I couldn't name any now, but I'm sure there were other worlds that were just as horrible to be reincarnated in.

"Just so long as you don't let it fill your every waking moment," Armin retorted gently.

I scoffed weakly. "'Course not. I'm tougher than that."

At least, I liked to think I was. I was beyond thinking of my life as a dream, so I wasn't about to live my (second chance) life like I was a dead girl walking. That was no way to live.

Sometimes though… sometimes. It would have been easier to pretend this was all a dream.

•●•●•●•

"I cannot accept this, Commander Erwin!"

We turned to the cry in mild curiosity. We were practically begging for a brief respite from our dismal job. I think we were all aware of our own mortality without being forced to face death. We were the farthest from the rest of the Corps, so we practically had front row seats to the drama. The only way we could hear the conversation was if it was shouted, though.

"We should recover them," the blonde who had originally challenged Erwin shouted hoarsely. "Ivan's body was right in front of us!"

The curly-haired man next to Erwin spoke, but his words were lost over the distance.

"If they attack, we can just defeat them!" the blonde retorted. Next to me, Jean scoffed.

"Look at him," he uttered, voice dripping with disgust. "He sounds so confident."

"We were like that once too," I pointed out quietly, passing the last bundle to Jean as carefully as I could. That was before we saw the horrors of battle.

We all liked to think we could be heroic and save everyone. Even if we couldn't, we could at least give them the honour of being buried.

Reality wasn't that kind.

"We grew out of it."

"I can understand why he's so frantic," Armin said quietly, eyes flicking back towards us for the briefest moments before he directed his attention to the squabble.

So could I, to be honest. I wouldn't have been able to leave Armin behind like that. Of course, I was hoping that it never had to be an option. I would… feel a lot better if they would leave me behind should the need appear, though.

But… why risk your life for the husk of a person?

The words almost slipped out of my mouth, but I bit my tongue before they could.

I doubted it would have been well received by Armin or Jean and I knew I would hate myself if I said it. I felt bad enough for thinking about it. It was for closure. I had never gotten closure over my parents' death because I never buried them, but I could push past that. Most people weren't as emotionally detached (or so I suspected) as I was.

"… Have any human feelings at all?" the blonde shrieked at Erwin's and Levi's retreating back.

"He sounds quite… desperate," Armin commented, an undertone of unease in his voice.

My lips twisted into a frown as the curly-haired officer reprimanded the blonde, Dieter, for going too far. "Being in charge doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to like you. It might even mean that everyone will end up hating you, even if you're doing the right thing."

"Put aside your own humanity to save humanity, right?" There was a twist of sarcasm in his voice that told me he didn't agree, but he understood.

I shrugged. "C'est la vie. Life's a bitch."

And don't I know it.

"We're done," Armin murmured as he and Jean gently placed the last body onto the pile. He hopped off the cart, absentmindedly wiping his already clean hands against his pants. "I think Commander Erwin is about to tell us to move out." Just as those words left his mouth, the call to gear up for the journey was heard. "There it is."

My hand shot out and clamped onto his arm before he could walk away. He sounded… off. He was clearly troubled – I could only assume from his assumption that Annie was the Female Titan – but I had a feeling it was more than that.

"Are you okay?" I asked, eyebrows furrowing in concern. "Today was tough."

His face was angled downwards, his bangs covering his eyes so I couldn't read him. He shrugged. "I think the events of today have yet to catch up with me," he answered diplomatically. I didn't want diplomatic. I wanted the cold hard, brutal truth, even if I didn't like it. He slid his arm out of my grip, brushing past me. "I don't really want to – " He struggled with his words, so I backed off.

"Okay. We can – yeah. Okay." The last thing I wanted to do was put Armin in an uncomfortable position right now.

His fingers grasped at mine, intertwining them briefly. He didn't say anything, but he shifted his bangs away so I could read the emotion in his eyes. They were slightly empty from seeing so much death (unfortunately, not a foreign emotion), but the brightest emotion I could catch was fear.

It wasn't the fear of knowing we were going to be left behind or the fear of failing.

No, it was the fear of knowing something big was coming and knowing he couldn't stop it. It was a fear I was familiar with and that saddened me more than anything else could.

It reminded me that as mature as he was, as much as I relied on him, Armin was still only fifteen. Heck, he wasn't even fifteen. He still had another four more months of being fourteen before he officially turned another year older.

"We'll be fine," I stated, but the words sounded weak and hollow. Cheap. I didn't even think I believed that. It echoed on Armin's face, but he didn't call me out on it.

Maybe he needed to hear those wards as much as he wanted to believe in them.

We rode near the carts. Well, I did – Armin and Jean just happened nearby. It just… didn't feel right for me to leave Petra and Gunther behind. I couldn't, not after all they had done for me.

I had to admit that it made me feel pretty useless. All the people I cared about were dying. Who was next? I couldn't remember. I had only gone as far as Annie being revealed and captured. Anything beyond that was speculation or a huge blank because I simply hadn't gotten that far. Even the things that I did know were hazy at best.

Goddamn, but it was frustrating not knowing things.

"Titans!"

I twitched at the cry, looking over my shoulder to see two lumbering figures in the distance. The sun was in my eyes, so I couldn't be sure, but it seemed like they were chasing something. It made sense; Titans only went after large congregations of humans, but we hadn't seen a Titan for miles.

One of the soldiers on the cart shot a red smoke signal into the sky to alert command.

"Are those… Scouts?" Armin noted hesitantly. "What are they doing?"

I narrowed my eyes, focusing on the blonde rider who had someone slumped against his back. I barely stopped my lips from curling in disgust; it was that guy from earlier who had been yelling at Commander Erwin and Levi. He actually went against orders and retrieved his friend's corpse. I didn't know if he was stupidly brave or just plain stupid. I was leaning towards the latter.

"Should we do something?" Jean asked, continuously glancing back. They were encountering trouble – the Titans had caught up with the two runaways and as I watched, the pudgier Titan on the left grabbed one of the riders in its hand. Then, I redirected my attention to the Titan that was heading straight for us. I gritted my teeth, desperate to do something but not sure if I actually could.

"They're going to catch us," Armin pointed out worriedly. I glanced at the cart where I knew Petra and Gunther were.

"Do we have to fight?" Jean asked.

I looked down at my hands, my knuckles white and bloodless from the force of my grip. Even then, I realised that I was trembling and my heart was beating far faster than it should have.

Armin's eyes didn't shift from the Titan that was catching up to us as he intoned, "Maneuver Gear has limited utility in open areas. And look." His gaze shot further out and I followed it. In the distance, we could see more shadowed figures gracelessly running towards us. "They just keep coming."

"Then what do we do?"

Armin took a while to answer. He was staring at the pile sitting on the cart. My blood ran cold as I realised what he was trying to say.

I shook my head. "No," I growled.

His eyes shot to mine almost guiltily, but there was that conviction in his eyes that what he was doing was right. It probably was the logical decision, but I didn't want to be logical right now. Wall Rose was right there and I wanted to at least bring them home so their family didn't have to bury an empty coffin, damn it! Family should always have something to bury, even if it's not much.

It was starting to seem like a more viable option by the second, though. The Titan was practically at our heels, mouth curled into a dazed grin that dripped saliva. I scowled, nearing the carts. If I could just do something.

"No, they'll reach us!" one of the soldiers in the cart cried out. It wasn't quite panic, but rather our substitute for panic that helped us keep calm and keep sane.

"I'll get behind them," the other soldier gritted out. "I'll draw their attention, then you – "

"No." The new voice caused me to jerk and I looked over to see Levi riding next to the cart. "Just abandon the bodies. They'll reach us."

"B-but…"

"We can't," I argued. The two soldiers in the cart jerked. They probably hadn't noticed me riding up with their tunnel vision. Levi's steely gaze pierced me, but all I could think of was the starry way Petra used to mention her father.

"Why not?" Levi countered in an even, emotionless voice. I'll admit that I wanted to hit him. I wanted to make him hurt and see if machines like him could bleed after all. "In the past, many bodies haven't made it back. These guys aren't anything special."

My vision turned red. Somewhere amongst the anger, I knew he was lying, but I simply couldn't believe that those words had actually left his mouth. He was lying if he said Petra and the rest of the Special Operations Squad weren't anything special. I knew he was lying but I was still pissed beyond belief.

"Are we doing this?" the black-haired soldier asked, horrified. He hunched over the pile, clutching it. "Are we really doing it?"

I glared at Levi, but he continued regarding me with that disdainful gaze of his. There seemed to be a silent taunt in his eyes, as if he was asking me what I was going to do.

There was a lot I could have done. A couple months ago, I probably would have just stood by and let the cart empty, Petra and Gunther left to decay outside the walls. Then again, a couple months ago, I hadn't had to watch one of my closest friends turn to ash or experience one of my supposed comrades try to kill me.

In a flash, a couple of blades were snapped onto the ends of my handgrips and I drew back. The Titan's gaze followed me momentarily before its attention was once more caught by the larger crowd of humans in front. It wouldn't ignore me for long, but if I could help it, I wouldn't give it a chance to make a grab for me.

I was aware I was at a disadvantage, but I didn't want to leave Petra and Gunther behind. They had taken care of me when I was little and I just wanted to take care of them just this once. Allow me to assuage my guilt by participating in their deaths, no matter how minor.

I eyed the Titan's left shoulder. I didn't have much time before Levi would order them to dump the bodies. It was risky at best. The Titan hadn't seemed to be using its hands much, both of its arms crossed against its chest and seemingly useless. They looked broken, but I couldn't really tell anything from looking. It feet were pointing the wrong way and it was running just fine.

Okay, so I had to do it fast.

I could do fast, couldn't I?

My heart drummed a frantic beat as wind whistled in my ears. I drew up next to the Titan, trailing behind it a little. I drew as close as I dared and caught my breath as it turned to look at me, eyes regarding me curiously.

I took a deep breath. Now or never.

My hooks shot forward, embedding into the soft skin at the Titan's shoulder. Its head turned to the source of the pain and I shot towards the Titan's exposed nape, my blades digging into flesh and carving out its weak point before I could even think of hesitating.

The Titan swayed before falling and I tumbled to the ground as I released my hooks, rolling to cushion my fall. I was pretty sure my bones still rattled from the jarring fall.

I looked up to see steam rising from the Titan's body. It didn't move and I waited a couple more heartbeats before finally standing up, satisfied that I wouldn't have to worry about it getting up and continuing its pursuit.

I examined the blades, noting that they weren't dull and sheathed them, letting out a sharp whistle to call the horse to me. I was surprised and grateful when it trotted towards me.

When I caught up to Jean and Armin, they regarded me with looks that I couldn't quite decipher. I shifted uneasily, trying to hide behind my hair so I wouldn't need to look at them.

I had let my anger get the best of me. If I had been unlucky, I would have gotten eaten and I would be dead right now. God, what was I trying to prove?

Jean appraised me silently. I could tell even without looking at him. "I don't think you should have been tenth, Dani."

I turned away, glancing back at the carts to reassure myself that they weren't empty. "I know," I muttered. "That was stupid. I wasn't thinking straight."

I was such a hypocrite. Hadn't I just criticised Mikasa for charging the Female Titan without a battle plan or regard for her own safety? That little show back there had been an example of how much I didn't heed my own advice. I was really damn lucky that the Titan hadn't realised what was happening sooner or I might have been sitting in that Titan's stomach faster than I could blink.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Dani.

"I couldn't let them just…" I said once I had calmed down – when I managed to control my roiling emotions. I glanced at Armin, who kept his gaze on me. "They were important to me."

He pressed his lips together. "I'm glad you didn't die."

I exhaled slowly. "So am I, Armin."

"That was pretty badass," Jean commented. "I thought you were going to mess up and need saving."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I replied sardonically. I didn't mention that in the back of my mind, I worried that would happen too. I didn't want to think about what ifs because it was over.