Joshua's POV

I arrive home from work, feeling heavier in my spirit than I have for some time. The ache is beginning to wear on me, the constant need, the tightly stretched bonds of my imprint. My heart begs me to go back, my head tells me I have been doing so well. It's been years.

I collect my mail before I head into my now very comfortable house. I throw my work gear onto my marble topped kitchen bench, cross to sit by the massive fireplace that dominates my lounge, and begin to flick through my stack of mail.

Junk, requests, bills.

A letter from La Push.

I tear it open.

Julia's unmistakable, neat writing, a tear splotched page.

Joshua,

Wherever you are, Old Quil said he would try and get this to you.

Sarah's dead.

Julia

Panic rips through my system, the remaining letters slip through my fingers. Not Sarah, surely not Sarah. Wouldn't I know? Wouldn't I feel?

I book my flight for that night.

* * * * *

The relief when Sarah's scent hits me is insurmountable. I sit outside her house all day waiting for someone to come, begging for it to be Sarah. Finally, a car rumbled down the road toward her house, and I smell her; my pain dies instantly away.

For the moment, when she gets out of the car, again I almost run to her, so thankful I am that Julia was wrong.

Then Sue stepped out of the other side, tired, in obvious agony and the meaning of Julia's letter hit me with a shock. Billy's Sarah. A load of children stumbled tiredly out of the car, but my eyes were drawn only to the two girls whose faces looked like the world had ended. Which for them it had. I watched as they followed slowly after Sue and Sarah.

My next stop; Harry's house.

I was surprised at the difficulty I had in raising my fist to knock on the door. I haven't seen Harry for a good eight years, the last time being as I walked out of the hospital. But it had to be done.

I knocked; three short, sharp raps.

If only I had a camera when he answered. If things weren't so serious they would be comical; his jaw almost fell to the ground.

"Joshua?"

"Harry." I said quietly.

"Ah, what are you doing here?" I could see he was floundering, entirely unsure how to react.

"I came because I heard about Sarah."

He nodded in immediate understanding, his mouth tightened minutely. "And you thought it was Sarah Call."

I couldn't lie, Harry could still see right through me, like a sheet of clear glass.

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess you better come in. Sue's not here or I wouldn't let you. She'd rip you a new one."

I smiled sadly. I'm sure she would.

"She's with your Sarah. Billy is still in hospital and they've been looking after the kids. He'll never walk again you know."

My poor friend. I coughed. "Can he still fish?"

Harry laughed, although the sound was as strained as both of us felt.

"I'm sure he'll find a way."

"And poor Sarah." I shook my head, overwhelmed by memories of Billy and Sarah, so happy...

"They had a little boy too, Jacob."

"Those kids...is there anything I can do?"

"Not really."

I nodded, put squarely in my place.

"Look, things got...weird when you left. Obviously. And even more so when Sarah moved here; she became good friends with Sue and Billy's Sarah."

I couldn't hide my surprise.

"Then, of course, everyone found out she was the other woman, and things for her got...harder."

A growl rumbled up from low in my throat.

"It's not her fault. She didn't know anything about Julia and Sam."

"We know that, but La Push is a small place, and people like to gossip."

Poor Sarah, I'd left her in the worst possible position, adulteress to Julia's heroine, when the only person to blame was me.

"Sue and Sarah felt their loyalty belonged with Julia."

I sat quietly, once more hating myself for the mess I had caused for everyone. All my fault.

"She seems to be doing okay, though. She's started working at the shop."

La Push's one and only store. At least she was living some part of her dream. I almost asked if she'd been writing, but even I understood that was entirely inappropriate.

"Are you going to hang around for a while?"

I remain silent, considering.

"I might. But I don't want anyone to know I am here." My eyes pleaded with Harry to understand that I couldn't come back like that, I had to leave them be.

He returned my direct gaze.

"I think I understand, even if I don't necessarily agree."

"Thank you. That's all I need."

* * * * *

I stayed in Port Angeles, keeping my distance while remaining close enough to reach La Push whenever I wanted.

Every week I came back, restricting myself to that for fear of being spotted, beginning phasing again for the first time in eight years to help myself remain incognito and travel from place to place faster.

I watched Sarah at work, so calm, so perfect. My heart thudded in my chest every time I watched her lips curve as she greeted a customer, listened as she helped them with their queries.

I watched Sam at school, so like his mother. Studious, conscientious; day after day standing up for one younger boy in particular who had gained the unfortunate title of bastard. I thank everything that at least my son hadn't the misfortune to be called that.

On my final day of visiting before returning to my responsibilities, I find Sarah sitting with Rowena Ateara outside Billy's house. I watch her for a while, admiring the perfection of her face, her voice, when I catch Julia's scent. My head whips around in time to catch Julia and Sam walking up Billy's drive towards Sarah and Rowena. My poor Sarah.

"Julia." I can see the discomfit on Rowena's face; smell her nerves in the air.

"Ro." Julia's voice remains perfectly calm, detached. "How's Billy today?"

"Same." Julia nods, and ducks her head towards Sam's.

"Keep an eye on the little one's for me, sweetheart."

Sam nods at his mother's words. Rowena flickers a glance between Julia and Sarah before ambling around the house, Sam following quietly.

"Sarah." Julia states her name as she sits, and my heart beats painfully in my chest. I prepare myself to phase, to emerge of necessity, cut in and assure Julia Sarah knew nothing.

"Hi."

I watch carefully as Julia tilts her face back, a habit I recognize, the same thing she always does when she has something unpleasant to say, a way of steadying herself.

"I don't blame you."

I feels like my heart stops beating all together. I certainly didn't expect that, not even from Julia, one of the most understanding people I have ever known.

Sarah shifts in her seat, clearly uncomfortable, and it becomes belatedly obvious they have never met before now.

"He didn't say a word about me, did he?"

Sarah shook her head.

"So many years now." It was almost a whisper. "I did hate you for a time."

Sarah's face fell, guilt and misery evident in the set of her mouth.

"But I know Joshua. Even now I'm sure he's still the same. He wouldn't have said a word, not to either of us. I just don't know why, why he did it in the first place."

I turn then, running, stretching my muscles until they burned. Damn phasing, damn imprinting, damn it all. All the innocents it took along with it.

Damn it!