21

After Angela had left Tony in the kitchen, it had taken him quite a while to sort out his feelings. He was stupefied by her abrupt departure and had questioned himself what exactly might have caused it. He had emptied his glass of wine, had put it together with hers into the sink, had switched off all the lights and had taken the stairs up to his room. When he had entered the hallway, he had seen the small beam of light under Angela's bedroom door which had calmed him a little. 'At least she's here', he had thought. 'So tomorrow I'm going to start looking for a way back to her heart.' He had checked on Lynnie, who had been fast asleep, then had retreated into his own room. The past week had been very strenuous, both physically and emotionally, so his tiredness had overpowered him rather quickly and the safety this house emitted had made him fall asleep in no time.

The next morning, Tony stood at the stove, carefully turning the pancakes which were supposed to be Lynnie's breakfast. It was a Saturday, so he would spoil her with this specialty instead of the scrambled eggs he served her as a regular breakfast. He hadn't changed; he still was very keen on healthy and nutritious food and wouldn't allow his daughter to have a sugar-sweet cereal or pancakes with maple syrup to start a school day. But the weekend was something different and their first weekend in Connecticut anyway. This called for a feast! So he had gotten up early enough to prepare his famous blueberry pancakes for his little whirlwind.

"Daddy, can I have some more orange juice?" Lynnie asked with her mouth full.

"Don't talk and chew at the same time, Sweetheart", he said while pouring some more juice into her glass.

"But the pancake is so yummy and I'm thirsty!"

"Must you have an excuse for everything?" Tony asked reproachfully. "Why can't you-"

He didn't finish his sentence because he suddenly spotted Angela standing in the door frame watching the two of them with an amused smile on her face ... in her pink bathrobe. That one again! What a familiar and delightful sight.

"Oh, good morning, Angela! Come here and sit down." He pulled out a chair for her. "Breakfast is on its way. I can offer you some blueberry pancakes or are you still only having coffee and juice in the morning?" He turned back to the stove where a few pancakes threatened to scorch.

"Good morning, Lynnie", Angela greeted the little girl and stroked her shoulders, then she sat down on the chair Tony had offered her. "Well, I switched to tea in the morning."

A surprised "Oh," slipped out of Tony's mouth. 'Damn, why haven't I restored the stocks of tea?'

"Yeah, well, I've had some health problems and the doctors advised me to replace the morning coffee with tea." She wasn't willing to be more specific.

"Health problems? Something serious?" Was she talking about her breakdown or was there something else? There was no way she would tell him about her fainting in the Russian Tea Room right here, as long as Lynnie was in the kitchen, Tony was well aware of that, but maybe he could get a clue.

"No, nothing serious, just a low blood pressure and a flat battery after a stressful time at the agency." That was specific enough she decided. He didn't have to know more. The fact that he already knew more, knew everything to be precise, was far from her power of imagination. "So, Lynnie, how was your first day at school?" Angela tried to draw off the attention from herself and her stricken condition some time ago by turning to a different subject.

"Oh, great! It's a cool school and my teachers are very nice. One of my class mates even plays soccer, too!" Lynnie was enthusiastic about her new school and told Angela minutely detailed about everything that had happened to her within the past few days. Angela was delighted about the girl's refreshing liveliness and exuberant joy. If she only could be as carefree and optimistic about her future.

"I'm glad you're having so much fun, Lynnie. If there is anything I can do for you, just ask me, okay?" Angela offered.

"Daddy said we should ask you whether we can build a treehouse in your big tree." Lynnie came right to the point. Why wait? Patience wasn't a character trait she was superabound with.

"Oh sure. My son Jonathan never liked climbing trees, so we never thought of building a treehouse, but you are free to do it any time." Lynnie jumped off her chair and flung her arms around Angela's neck.

"Really? Thank you, Angela! You're the best! Daddy, did you hear that? Angela said we can build a treehouse!" She beamed at her father.

"I heard, Sweetheart, I heard."

The little girl could hardly believe her luck. She danced around the kitchen table, singing cheerfully "I will have a treehouse, I will have a treehouse!" Angela had to laugh. It gave her delight to see the child so enthusiastic about a rather basic thing such as a treehouse. But Tony had told her she was a nature-lover and tree-climber, so everything made sense.

"Angela, Daddy said he would take me to the mall to buy some school clothes today and have a pizza later. Wanna come?" Lynnie asked.

"I would love to, but I have to work. I'm sorry", Angela explained.

"But it's Saturday. Nobody works on a Saturday", the girl protested.

"There are a lot of people working on a Saturday, Lynnie", Tony threw in, "doctors, bus drivers, policemen; not to mention sales clerks and pizza bakers."

"But Angela isn't a doctor or a bus driver, and she doesn't bake pizzas. You said she works in an office and office-workers have the weekend off!" she said to her father.

"But it's my office, Lynnie, you know. I'm the boss and the people working for me are dependent on me in keeping our clients happy. That's why I have to work on the weekend sometimes", Angela tried to make Lynnie understand.

"Then I never want to be a boss! I'm sorry you're a boss, Angela. I wished you could join us", she stated candidly.

"Well, it was my own choice to become one and most of the time I like it. Although this time I would rather come with you instead of tossing and turning all those papers my unreliable art director left on his desk when he quit." Angela sighed. She was tempted to join them as it would definitely be more fun than working on a campaign she hadn't been really into from the beginning and for a client she had never liked; that was why she had given the account to this art director who had let her down the other day. Never mind! She would get through this odd day as through all the odd ones before. Only that in the past she rarely had better offers for spending a Saturday.

Then Tony came up with an idea. "How about we go shopping and let you work in peace and quiet and when we're done we pick you up for the pizza? Because with one thing she's right Angela, just because you're the boss doesn't mean you don't need to relax at the weekend." The reminiscence of her breakdown once again came back to his mind and one of his duties had always been to ensure that she didn't work too much. Angela thought for a moment, then nodded in approval. "Deal!" she said and looked into two contentedly smiling faces.

Angela sat at the desk in her study almost lost in an enormous amount of papers with sketches, drafts and tables about the campaign her former art director had left to her. But as always, as soon at she put her mind in business mode, she was able to focus on her work and to come up with a brilliant idea sooner or later. Even this time that her life had once again taken an unexpected turn. She was so concentrated on the campaign, which was slowly developing in front of her mind's eye, that she didn't hear Tony and Lynnie knocking on her door. Only when the were standing right in front of her desk, waving at her, she got out of her trance and welcomed them.

"Oh, hi you two! Done shopping so early?"

"Early?" Tony shook his head. "We left almost five hours ago! You can call yourself lucky you had an excuse, Angela, because little Miss 'I-try-on-just-one-more-piece' would've even pushed you to the limit." He cast his daughter a wry glance who only giggled about her father's complaints.

"Wow, is it that late already?" Angela asked, putting her glasses away. She still hadn't emerged completely from the world of toothpaste this campaign was about. She rubbed her temples, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Tony began to fear she had more work to do and wouldn't join them for the pizza, but Angela got up from her chair, smiled at them and said matter-of-factly "Boy, am I hungry! Where are we going for the pizza?"

A load was being taken from Tony's mind and he was looking forward to a family afternoon. But was it really that easy to become a family again? Angela had been able to love Samantha as if she were her own daughter, maybe she could also see Lynnie this way some day. 'Who are you kidding, Tony?' he mentally spanked himself. Sam had been the daughter of his late wife, whereas Lynnie was the daughter of a woman who must be like a red rag to Angela. Could he really expect her to love Lynnie as if she were her own? Maybe not! Maybe it would never be how it used to be.

"Tony! Hello-ho!" Angela waved at him to pull him out of his musings. She stood at the door holding Lynnie's hand. "I thought you wanted to drag me away from that desk and now you seem to be the one who's glued to it." She sneered and Lynnie had to laugh. Tony stared at them taken aback but the look of them hand in hand warmed his heart and beamed him back into the here and now.

"Hold your horses, ladies! I'm coming. Don't hurry an old man like me!" he said while slowly catching up with them, only to break into a run as soon as he passed them. "The first one at the car gets the biggest slice!" Angela and Lynnie looked at each other dumbfounded. Then Angela whispered conspiratorially, "Don't you worry, Lynnie, I have some money of my own. We can have the biggest slice there is, if we want to, no matter how fast your father runs", and both burst out into laughter.

Tony, Lynnie and Angela spent a carefree afternoon with each other. After their stop at the Pizza Palace, where Tony had been a bit offended because Angela had secretly ordered a 'super size pizza' for Lynnie and herself whereas he only had a 'king size', they had gone to a small wildlife reserve a few miles away from Fairfield. It was a sunny afternoon and they strolled through the woods, enjoying the fresh air, with Lynnie running back and forth, collecting leaves or branches she would use as a hiking pole. She also wanted to show Angela how well she climbed trees and made her hold her breath at the height she was climbing up to. Angela dug her fingers into Tony's arm and she became nauseous at the notion of the little girl falling from a tree once again. Tony noticed her anxiety and calmed her. "She can do it! Relax! I've seen her climbing hundreds of trees. She's like a little monkey and I know she'll never fall off a tree again." He gently loosened Angela's grip on his arm, "You're bruising me, Angela", and smiled at her reassuringly. If somebody had seen them, he would've been taken by this adorable family of three; only that they weren't a family ...

The sun was setting, so they went home and Tony started to cook dinner. Angela retreated once again into her study - "Only for a short while, I promise, just to get the ideas I've been having in my head all day onto a piece of paper!" - and Lynnie bridged the time until dinner was ready with practising penalty kicks in the backyard. Tony mused about their afternoon. It had been just like so many afternoons they had spent with Sam and Jonathan; well, almost like them. Today, at the back of his mind there had been this constant alert signal not to read too much into this. He was a sensitive person and he had perceived awfully well that Angela hadn't been as unbent and relaxed as she pretended to be. But it was a good start. As long as they kept spending time with each other, there was a way back to her. But they would also have to talk about his years with Kathleen one day. It upset his stomach only thinking of how difficult and painful this conversation would be. This weekend was like a remedy which belied the brittle condition of their friendship. But it did him so good! He had been hurting as well. He hadn't banished Angela out of his life because he had madly fallen in love with another woman, but because his sense of honour and responsibility had told him so. She hadn't been the only one who was miserable, he had paid his share as well. His time with Kathleen, although somewhat promising at the start, hadn't been exactly overflowing with bliss and happiness. If he hadn't had Lynnie, he would've escaped from that marriage earlier; well, he wouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. But he didn't want to link his discontent about the last seven years of his life only to Kathleen; he had to be fair. She had given him Lynnie and he would always be deeply grateful for that. It always took two to ruin a marriage and his part had been that he had never loved her as deeply and truly as every woman deserved to be loved.

Tony was pulled out of his musings by the kitchen timer which told him the grilled chicken could be taken out of the oven. He obviously had prepared this dinner in autopilot mode because he couldn't think of a single stroke of work he had done consciously. Now, the hundreds of chicken he had already prepared in his life paid off. He shook his head, drank a glass of cold water directly from the faucet and turned his attention to the salad which was still waiting to be washed and chopped.

This night Tony laid the dinner table for three and everybody enjoyed the chicken Tony still wasn't sure about how it had come off so well. After the last bite had been swallowed Lynnie asked her father whether they could watch 'The Lady and the Tramp' once again, since she had fallen asleep the other night before her favorite part was on.

"Let me guess what your favorite scene is, Lynnie." Angela was curious but thought she knew the answer. "Is it where they're suck in the noodle from both ends?" Lynnie nodded. "That's my favorite scene, too."

"We can watch it together and Daddy can make popcorn. We always have popcorn when we watch a movie", Lynnie explained, not knowing that this tradition was already very familiar to Angela.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but I can't stay overnight", Angela told her so en passant as if it was self-evident.

"You can't?" Tony asked surprised but also disappointed. He, too, had pictured the three of them on the sofa, not necessarily watching 'The Lady and the Tramp', but he had presumed they would spend the entire weekend together. This unexpected turn showed him once again that the way back to Angela's heart was a rocky one.

"No, I have to attend an advertising matinée tomorrow morning in the city and I'll give a speech. All the documents I need are in my apartment. I have to go home tonight. I'm sorry." It felt like a stab in Tony's heart that she called her apartment 'home', so obviously this was not her home; she felt like a guest among them.

"Isn't it a bit late to drive all the way to New York?" It was his last attempt to keep her from leaving. But she was determined and the advertising matinée was only half the truth. Angela had become spooked about the undertow which kept dragging her closer and closer to Tony and Lynnie. Not that it was unthinkable to share their lives with them; to the contrary, it was a heart-warming idea and that was exactly what was scaring her. She wasn't ready to demolish her wall of defense yet, the wall which she had build to shield her soul from further hurting. Tony's amicable attention and Lynnie's childish fondness had caused parts of that wall to collapse in no time as if it was made of foam. Her defense started to weaken and she needed time to sort out the mixed emotions she had been having during the last 24 hours.

"I'm a big girl, Tony. The Jaguar is fully fueled and recently checked through by my favorite mechanic, I know the way from here to my apartment like the back of my hand, so I will be fine. Don't you worry." So much to his last attempt to induce her to stay. She would leave and with her a lot of the easiness which he had enjoyed so much.

"We can watch it next weekend, Angela. It's not rented, it's our own copy. We can watch it any time", Lynnie proposed and Angela was touched by the girl's carefreeness.

"We'll see, Lynnie, okay?" 'Never make a promise you can't keep to a child', Angela reminded herself.

Tony knew what this was all about. He could cuff himself for being so pushy. What if he had scared her away with his stupid playing house as if nothing had happened? If he only knew how to handle this tricky matter, how to disentangle this Gordian knot.

About two hours later, Angela had hardly closed the door to her apartment, her cell phone started to ring. She fumbled it out of her purse and had a look at the display to check who might be calling her that late on a Saturday evening. Her secretary had her private number and a few of her most important clients, so she hoped it was none of them calling her for business reasons.

It wasn't a business call, which made her let out a sigh of relief, but what she saw on the display instead made her blood run cold: 'incoming call from home'! Home? She stared at the flashing letters. Home! She hadn't been called from there in ages. She had even stopped calling it 'home'. It had been 'the house' for the last seven years. Her heart started to beat at doubled speed - no low blood pressure tonight.

She put the phone to her ear and answered the call. "Hello?"

"Angela, what took you so long? This phone must have been ringing for ages! I almost started to panic!"

"Tony?" Angela was thunderstruck about his call.

"I just wanted to check whether you made it home safely. I was a bit worried. And when this phone kept ringing and ringing I already pictured your Jaguar turned upside down somewhere at the roadside!" He really sounded a bit stressed-out.

"I'm fine, Tony. You know I'm not a speeder. And it's quite a distance from the parking garage to my apartment." She hadn't intended to worry him, it hadn't even come to her mind he could be worried about her. She had completely forgotten the sensation of being someone others worry about. And now that this feeling slowly sneaked back into her conscience, it uplifted her in a way she never thought possible. She felt cherished. There was someone - someone other than her mother - who cared for her. What a great feeling that was! Great and scary at the same time! Enjoying someone else's attention also meant to become vulnerable again, and the day she had to be checked into that hospital because of a nervous breakdown, she had promised herself she would never be emotionally dependent on a man again, let alone Tony. Not out of dislike but out of self-defense. She knew she wouldn't make it through a crisis like this one more time.

"So? Are you home safely?" Because he had called her mobile number he didn't know where exactly she was.

"Yes, I just locked my door."

"Good."

An awkward silence developed between them, being particularly awkward on the phone, but neither of them showed the slightest indication to end the call. Finally, Tony couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Angela? Are you still there?"

"Yes."

"I ... enjoyed the day very much", he started timidly. He knew he was walking on thin ice.

"Me too."

"Uh, ... would you like to repeat it, I mean spending the weekend with Lynnie and me?" he asked cautiously, his shaking voice disclosing his apprehension. He could almost hear the ice cracking underneath him.

Angela only took a deep breath at the question and sighed. She had no idea how to answer it. She neither wanted to disappoint him nor raise hopes she couldn't meet. So she said nothing.

"Angela?"

Still nothing.

"Angela, don't let me starve here! Did I do something or say something to scare you away? Please, talk to me!" he begged, not caring anymore that he might break through the ice completely.

She noticed the insecurity in his voice and felt sorry for him. It wasn't fair to leave him in the dark about her feelings; her good feelings as well as her bad ones. "Uhm, Tony, ..." Angela cleared her throat. This wasn't easy. She was glad they were talking on the phone because standing in front of him and seeing his features change from expectation to disappointment would be too hard. "It was a very nice day and Lynnie is a great girl. It's been a long time since someone dragged me away from my desk in order to spend the afternoon with me. I enjoyed the pizza and the stroll through the woods and your delicious cooking. And the fact you called to check whether I made it home safely ... well, ... uhm ..." Her voice broke. Various emotions were overwhelming her and her voice quit the service. She was still standing in the middle of her apartment in her coat, briefcase in hand and her purse across the shoulder. She walked the few steps to the white leather couch and let herself flop onto it without even thinking of taking off the coat. She even still held on to her briefcase.

"You enjoyed it, but? There is a 'but', isn't it?" He knew why she had stopped talking. After enumerating all the nice things she had enjoyed, she still had to tell him what she hadn't enjoyed. His empathy hadn't deceived him. She had been tense at times, uneasy and not as carefree as he had wanted her to be.

"But ... things are moving too fast for me. As much as I enjoy having you back in my life, Tony, I can't pretend the years you were with Kathleen hadn't happened. I'm sorry." She let out the breath she had been holding during her last sentences.

"I understand", Tony said bleakly and discouraged. "What do you want me to do?"

'Please, don't ask me to leave you alone!' Tony prayed silently. He closed his eyes in anticipation of her answer.

Angela took a deep breath. "Don't expect me to be in Fairfield every weekend. Don't expect me to forget your years with Kathleen. Give me time to sort out my emotions and let me set the pace. Patience, ... I need you to be patient." Angela sounded clear and definite, her voice was firm but also friendly. "I can't promise you anything, Tony. I don't know whether we will be able to work things out. All I can tell you is that I'm willing to give it a try."

Tony opened his eyes, he thanked God for answering his prayers. She hadn't asked him to leave her alone. His worst nightmare would've come true, had she banished him out of her life. But she hadn't. She had said she would try to work things out. Good! Very good! He clenched his fist, like he had always used to do after one of his legendary home runs, only that this felt much better. Her saying that there was still hope for them was far more important than every home run he had ever hit.

"I can live with that", he said into the phone with a warm voice.

"Good." Angela started to relax. It was finally out. What she had wanted to tell him ever since he had showed up in her life again was finally out. Now that the fronts had been clarified between them, they could continue to rebuild their friendship. Whether she would ever dare to love him again she didn't know but she was willing to find out. She leaned back at the back rest of the couch and smiled into the phone.

"Good night, Tony. And thank you for caring for me."

"You bet, Angela. Good night to you, too. Sweet dreams. And good luck on your advertising matinée tomorrow. I hope it's worth sacrificing a Sunday." He also smiled into the phone.

"Thank you. Bye."

"Bye."

Angela pushed the red button on her cell phone and Tony put the receiver back on the hook. Both poised a moment without moving, trying to process what had been said between them. Both were relieved but also in an upbeat mood. They hadn't been in sync like this for almost seven years.