Blue 42!

Bella: *flipping through manuscript* What do you say we cut this chapter down a bit? There's quite a bit of fluff.

Edward: Did someone say fluff? For some reason that makes me think of sex and feathers…

Bella: ? Anyway, ya I'll just kinda speed through the whole Charlie fight thing, because in all seriousness, how interesting of a character is Charlie?

Charlie: *pops head up, with a mouth full of lasagna* Not very.

Bella: *takes deep breath* I'm going home. I love Edward, so I broke up with him, Mom hated Forks. I hate forks.

Charlie: But it's nighttime. You can't leave if it's nighttime.

Bella: Really, Charlie, is that the best you've got? I'm being a petulant bitch of a teen right now. Just let me go. I really, really hate Forks.

Charlie: But who will feed me? *wonders aimlessly through the house, trying to eat a bar of soap*

Edward: The tracker's following us.

Bella: AAAAGGGHHH!

Edward: It's going to be all right.

Bella: Not when I'm not with you. Of course I'm not lamenting over the fact that I was a complete bitch to the dad that I abandoned for so many years in the first place. I am just completely and utterly obsessed with my glitter boy.

Edward: It's kinda your fault the tracker's following you. If you stopped slathering yourself with that ridiculous strawberriness, he wouldn't have liked you so much.

Bella: I thought… I didn't smell the same to the others… as I do to you. Personal brand of heroin, remember?!? I am super special to you. TELL ME I'M SUPER SPECIAL TO YOU!!!

Edward's inner monologue: Don't flatter yourself, Bella, it's just your terrible attempt at hygiene that gets you into these messes.

Bella: How do you kill a vampire?

Edward: Hmmm, I'll be sure to break it to her delicately so she doesn't have even more stress on her tonight. You tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces.

Bella: AGGGHHH!

Laurent: Sorry, you are le screwed. James is lethal. You are vampire snack food. Au revoir, my stupid little friends! *flounces out of the house*

Jasper: Send out the dogs! Someone grab him. Alert, alert, don't let him get too far north!

Everyone: ?

Edward: Hey Rosalie, switch clothes with Bella. Because I in no way want to see both of you naked together.

Rosalie: *channeling some serious Jessica* Why should I? What is she to me? Except a menace. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Edward must be gay if he chose you over me. Warm blooded idiot.

Bella: *Regarding Rosalie's death glare* AAAGHHH!

Edward: *ignoring Rosalie* Esme? Okay, because I in no way want to see Esme and Bella naked together. Aghh, God, need to stop jumping into Mike's thoughts so often. I am getting some serious mom/Bella slash going on in my head.

Esme: Of course. *starts stripping down Bella and swapping clothes with her*

Alice: No fair.

Carlisle: Okay, Blue 42! Blue 42! Break!

Everyone: ?

Carlisle: No? Jesus, alright. Alice, Jasper, Bella = Mercedes. Emmett, me, Edward = Jeep. Esme & Rosalie = shitty truck. *Rosalie scoffs*. Ready? Break!

CreepySensitive!Jasper: You're wrong, you know.

Bella: What? Me, wrong? Never, I say!

CreepySensitive!Jasper: You are worth it. Damn it, Alice needs to stop feeling all warm and fuzzy around Bella. It's starting to wear off on me. Oh the pain! *Goes to find Stephenie, hoping to provoke her into tazing him*.

Alice: *arms held out* May I? Yesss, sweet divinity.

Bella: You're the first one to ask permission.

Bella's inner monologue: Now I am going to, without any sexual connotation at all, describe how she lifted me in her slender arms as easily as Emmett had, shielding me protectively. Wow, I dunno, browniechadowes, I think Stephenie is shipping slightly in this direction. I mean, this is coming straight out of the manuscript.

browniechadowes: *grumble*