Shooting The Ashes
It had been over two weeks since the incident on Planet Maddox. The Series Five Team had finished another patrol on the Southern sector of their solar system. On the mission they had managed to discover some smugglers trying to run some alien artifacts for collectors on Earth. It hadn't taken the rangers long to capture them.
"I still say they should have let me interrogate them!" Niko growled as she walked in with Shane and Zach into their office. "I'd get the information out of them with or without my psychic abilities."
"Are you kidding? Niko you were starting to scare me," Shane gave her a look. "And I thought I had a temper with criminals."
"They had rare artifacts from Walcam, Goose!" Niko shouted. "Walcam! Obviously they were stolen by the Crown and given to their contacts to sell on the black market! You know how I feel about people making a profit off of other people's cultures! The Walcam lost everything when their planet was destroyed and for some of their priceless treasures to be bartered around for some rich jerk's collection so he can satisfy his ego…Arrrrrrgggh!"
"Wow, you just sounded like Goose," Zach blinked.
"Relax Niko," Shane said. "You know those slimeballs will sell out their client list just to cut their jail time. And Commander Cain told me after the legal proceedings are all settled he's going to have the Series Five Team personally escort those Walcam artifacts to the new settlement on Mars and hand them over."
"I guess it's better than nothing," Niko let out a breath. She saw Doc at his desk. "Doc, what are you doing?"
"Just going over some paperwork," Doc looked at several papers and data pads. "They've officially renamed Planet Maddox. It is now Planet Hartford. The League of Planets has already sent a host of alien delegates to set up an impromptu committee to deal with all the new alien refugees."
"Now that Hartford is an official alien refugee planet it might help the burden of all these new immigrants a little," Zach admitted.
"A little? My sister Eleanor is already got that place busier than a beehive on the Queen Bee's Birthday," Doc smirked. "Thanks to some bank accounts my dearly departed deadbeat dad had hidden she was able to hire construction companies around the clock. And those construction companies need workers yesterday. So all those alien refugees will have more jobs than they can handle."
"She's rebuilding the city?" Shane saw a blueprint.
"Not just the city, she's planning suburbs, two parks, three high rise parking lots, a hospital, a mall, a golf course, a stadium and a downtown district," Doc said. "My sister loves to dream big. The only things she's keeping intact are Grand Hill and the Broke Down Boarding House. I think she's gonna turn it into a museum or something."
"Unbelievable," Niko was stunned as she looked at the plans. "A project like this would cost more than Earth's budget for twenty years!"
"Like I said, the old deadbeat had a lot of money in a lot of bank accounts. Plus my sister knows people and can get some great discounts on…Oh no! What the hell is this?" Doc snapped as he held up a package. "I told them I didn't want this! Now I gotta ship it back!"
"What is it?" Zach asked.
"It's my father's ashes," Doc grumbled. "Anyone got any extra postage?"
"Doc you can't just ship your father's ashes away!" Zach was shocked.
"You're right," Doc said. "Why waste my money on postage? I'll be in the bathroom."
"Doc!" Niko was scandalized. "You're not going to flush your father's ashes down the toilet!"
"Why not? It pretty much sums up his life choices," Doc remarked. "Pretty fitting if you think about it. I mean I was his number one son and he treated me like number two in all senses of the word! So why not…?"
"No Doc!" Niko shouted.
"You are not going to flush your father's ashes down our toilet!" Zach protested.
"Zachery it's not like he's going to poison the water," Doc remarked. "There is a waste treatment system and…"
"No Doc!" Zach barked.
"Hey guys, what's going on?" Q-Ball asked as he walked in.
"Nothing much, hey wait a minute…?" Doc did a double take. "Hey Q-Ball are you running any new experiments? You know anything that blows stuff up or something?"
"As a matter of fact I do," Q-Ball said. "You know how I've been working on a project to create reusable fireworks? I think I've finally perfected it but I need to run a few tests."
"I got something you can blow up," Doc showed him the package.
"Doc!" Niko barked.
"What is it?" Q-Ball looked at it.
"My biological father's ashes," Doc said. "So can you use them?"
"Hmmm I never considered using non explosive organic material," Q-Ball thought. "That might make a nice mix with the artificial gunpowder."
"Doc, you can't be serious!" Zach was shocked.
"Oh come on Captain," Doc said. "People shoot their relative's ashes into space all the time! All I'm doing is making sure that my old man goes out with a bang!"
"Hi everybody!" Bubblehead flew in ahead of Eliza, Darkstar, Baby Dawnstar and the kids. Jessica, Billy and Zach Jr. were there as well. "It's me!"
"We all thought we'd come over and surprise you," Hari said cheerfully. "And get Bubblehead away from the glue."
"Don't ask," Eliza said to her husband.
"Hey kids you wanna shoot my old man's ashes into space?" Doc called out cheerfully. "It'll make a great explosion!"
"YEAH!" The Supertrooper kids shouted cheerfully.
"Gah!" Dawnstar chirped her approval.
"Did he just say…?" Zach Jr. blinked.
"I'm afraid he did," Zach sighed. "It's a long story."
"I've already got it set up outside! I was just coming in to see if anyone wanted to watch," Q-Ball said.
"Oh boy! I love it when things besides me get blown up!" Bubblehead chirped.
"Yeah I wanna see Doc's Dad get blown up!" Hari said cheerfully.
"Me too!" Doc said equally cheerfully. "Come on everyone! Let's go outside and enjoy the show! It'll be a fun family outing!"
"I always thought funerals were supposed to be depressing," Darkstar remarked as they all went out into the hallways to go outside.
"Not this one," Shane said.
"Why are you letting Q-Ball use your father's ashes as part of an experiment?" Jessica asked Doc as they walked.
"Because neither Niko nor your father would let me flush him down the toilet," Doc said matter of factly.
"Is it just me or is this whole gang of ours getting more and more warped?" Eliza groaned.
"It's not just you," Niko told her. "Doc your father deserves more respect than this!"
"No, he doesn't!" Doc told her. "You've met the man. You know it's not true."
"Niko, it's his father," Shane told his girlfriend. "If he wants to blow up his ashes in the name of science he has every right to."
"Thank you Gooseman," Doc nodded. "At least someone around here gets it!"
"Shane how can you say something like that?" Niko put her hands on her hips.
"Uh hello?" Bubblehead pointed at Shane. "Did everybody forget what his father did to him?"
"That was a pretty stupid question," Darkstar gave Niko a look. "I mean come on Niko."
"Okay let me rephrase that," Niko gritted her teeth. "Doc your father deserves some respect. He was a human being after all."
"Yeah was, past tense!" Ryder said. "He's not even alive anymore. He's not even a corpse!"
"Just a bunch of dirt," Noah agreed. "Kind of ridiculous to be sentimental over that."
"See?" Doc said. "They get it! Why don't you?"
"Niko maybe you'd better let me take over?" Zach suggested. "Doc what kind of example are you setting for the kids here?"
"I'm glad you asked that," Doc said cheerfully. "Gather round kids! Important life lesson to be learned here! Kids do you know what happens when you are a bad person, mean to your wife and basically make everyone's life miserable?"
"You get blown up?" Hari asked innocently.
"Good answer!" Doc said. "And what's the lesson here kids?"
"Don't be mean to people or else you'll get blown up?" Ryder asked.
"Smart boy!" Doc said. "See, a good lesson to learn for all."
"Well I guess when you put it that way…" Zach Jr. thought aloud.
"Oh boy…" Zach put his head in his hands.
"Zachery I think we need to have another talk about what exactly you have been teaching our children while I was away for nearly three years!" Eliza gave him a look.
"It's all about life after death," Doc said. "Now that he's dead, I have a life. Well technically I had a life before he died. How about a party?"
"Will there be nachos?" Bubblehead asked.
"Why not?" Doc asked.
"We are so screwed up it isn't funny," Zach groaned.
Soon they were all outside. Doc and Q-Ball were tinkering with a rocket like device. "I also can put some specially colored powder that gives the explosion any color you want," Q-Ball asked. "Any particular colors?"
"Well I know his favorite color used to be green so we're definitely not going with that one," Doc thought. "How about blue?"
"Kids you know better than this right?" Zach asked his children.
"You mean to ask if we're gonna blow you or mom up then the answer is no," Zach Jr. said.
"I dunno, the idea of having fireworks at a funeral doesn't seem so bad," Billy shrugged.
"You have definitely been spending too much time with the Supertrooper kids," Zach moaned.
"There you are," Stingray walked out with Waldo and Zozo.
"What's going on?" Zozo asked.
"Doc's going to blow up his father's ashes in one of Q-Ball's crazy inventions," Shane explained.
"Cool," Stingray smirked.
"Is this an Earth custom I'm not aware of?" Waldo asked.
"Not really. You don't want to know what Doc was going to do to them," Niko sighed. "Trust me, this is an improvement."
"I was going to flush him down the toilet," Doc admitted.
"Wouldn't that poison the water or something?" Stingray asked.
"As you can figure out Doc has some unresolved issues with his father," Niko explained to Waldo and Zozo.
"They're not unresolved," Doc told her. "I told the jerk off before he died. He's dead and I'm happy about it. What's to work out?"
"Doc it's not healthy to…" Niko began.
"Niko I did the whole crying, morning depressing stuff a long time ago," Doc interrupted. "Been there, done that and moved on. Now I just wanna blow up my father in peace. Is that so much to ask?"
"In ancient times the Andorians turned their dead relative's ashes into precious jewels," Waldo said. "Only the upper classes of course. When we had a class system."
"You did?" Zozo asked.
"Yes, thousands of years ago. But then the lower classes figured out that if they simply turned their dead ancestors and relatives into gemstones they'd be wealthy too," Waldo said. "So our ancestors kind of had to restructure society after a few uprisings and the economy collapsed. They all got together and came up with an agreement that everyone would be equal. And the practice of turning relatives into priceless jewelry was banned. Not because it was seen as immoral, but so that no one would get too wealthy and dominate the market."
"Wow this really is educational," Jessica blinked.
"Remind me to tell you about the Graveyard Wars sometime," Waldo said. "It is one of Andor's seedier time periods."
"Turn my old man into a diamond and sell him on the Internet," Doc stroked his chin. "I must admit that has a poetic ring of justice to it."
"Doc…" Zach groaned.
"You're right," Doc held up his hands. "It's more fun to blow him up."
"Doc I'm still not sure about this," Eliza said. "Especially with the kids here."
"You're right, I almost forgot," Doc said. "We need some snacks. Kids you want snacks?"
"YEAH!" The kids cheered.
"I want nachos!" Bubblehead chirped.
"What is it with you and nachos? You can't eat!" Noah protested.
"I like nachos," Bubblehead chirped.
"I'll call Buzzwang and he can get some stuff for us," Q-Ball turned on his communicator to order.
"I think you two better stop trying to talk him out of it," Shane remarked to Niko and Zach. "And Eliza you're not helping either."
"Sure let's just make this a fun family outing," Zach said sarcastically.
"That's the spirit!" Doc told him.
"Gotta admit it's a nice night to look at the stars," Stingray said as he sat next to Darkstar and tickled his daughter's chin.
It didn't take long for Buzzwang to come out. Commander Cain followed him. "Is there some kind of party I don't know about?" Commander Cain asked.
"Kind of," Zozo said. "It just sort of happened."
"What's the occasion?" Cain asked.
"Doc's gonna blow up his father's ashes using Q-Ball's experimental rocket," Zach Jr. explained.
"Really? What's wrong with just flushing him down the toilet?" Cain asked. "That's what I did with my louse of an old man."
"I think it's a health issue," Mata remarked.
"I don't believe it," Zach winced and closed his eyes in mental anguish. "I just don't believe it. Oh wait, yes I can!"
"Here we go, plenty of nice nutritious snacks," Buzzwang doled them out. "Popcorn, granola bars…"
"Nutrition? Blech! Good thing I brought my own!" Cain pulled out a flask and took a sip from it. "Let's fire this puppy up!"
"What you don't want to call Cheyenne or anyone else in on this?" Niko asked sarcastically.
"She left this morning on a diplomatic mission," Shane waved.
"It's okay," Dea took out a camera. "I'll get it on video!"
"Come on guys," Zozo said. "A lot of different cultures celebrate death in unusual ways. I know my cousin Zimmen partied for a week after his mother in law died."
"Okay here we go!" Q-Ball shouted out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
POW! POW! POW! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEESHHHHHHH!
"Gotta admit that was impressive," Shane remarked.
"I liked how it turned into those kind of fireworks that look like fishes at the end," Darkstar said.
"Pretty…" Dea whistled.
"You were right, Doc," Q-Ball said. "Blue is a nice color."
"That man just caused ten times more pleasure to people in death than he ever did in life," Doc shrugged. "Well I know I enjoyed it."
"You know Doc you just showed a real sadistic side to your personality," Stingray said. "I like it."
"Thanks Ray," Doc grinned. "Let's party! Who wants nachos?"
"Hey can we do this again the next time someone else dies?" Billy asked.
"Eliza remember that talk we had a few nights ago? About you not needing a psychiatrist?" Zach asked his wife.
"Yeah?" She looked at him.
"I think you're right," Zach said. "There's no way any psychiatrist can fix this group!"
"I don't think an institute full of psychiatrists can fix this group," Eliza groaned.
Next: More mission madness and fun!