Feeling a bit guilty over all the extra work the young man had taken on without complaint and still occasionally struggling for acceptance, Obi-Wan continued to encourage Anakin to take advantage of his free time. He feared all too soon either he would have to pass Anakin off, at least temporarily, to another master, or see the young man sent back to the war. The Chosen One had been too long absent from the war.
Was he doing the right thing for Anakin? Was he doing the right thing to Anakin?
He had needed a break, and Obi-Wan had provided that. Obi-Wan had needed him to rediscover his exuberant spirit, and Anakin was again light of heart, much to his master's relief and satisfaction.
But Anakin was a Jedi. He had duties and responsibilities that could not be ignored. He should be preparing for the trials, which should be soon in his future – honing his skills both physical and with the Force. Anakin was not a knight. Not yet.
Nor would he be, if he spent all his time relaxing and taking a break from the responsibilities of being a Jedi.
His master should be resuming his training; his master was as yet incapable of it.
The Jedi could speak of these concerns with his friends. Indirectly it gave him the chance to think about and discuss his own future, for in discussing Anakin's future, he had to discuss his own.
Trying to regain strength and stamina, Obi-Wan coaxed a reluctant Garen to accompany him on a walk around the Temple, using as his excuse his wish to speak of Anakin without fear of being interrupted by his return. He let go without comment the fact that Garen's hand hovered near his elbow, ready to grip it should he falter.
He wanted to review his thoughts with a friend, not just a fellow Jedi: try to decide what was best for Anakin before seeking counsel from Yoda or another Council member. They walked several circuits through the Temple as Obi-Wan tested his leg, but as he tired they returned to Obi-Wan's quarters where the Jedi could rest. He had overdone the exercise and only Garen's firm grasp on his arm helped steady him on the final leg.
Obi-Wan collapsed into a seat, glad to be finally sitting down and feeling less than pleased at his exhaustion.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, I should have noticed you were tiring," Garen said in apology as he heard his friend's sigh of relief as he took his weight off the weak leg.
"My fault, I wasn't paying attention to how long we walked," Obi-Wan said. "I still don't know what's best for Anakin at this point…I just don't know whether I should keep silent, ask for assistance training him or worse, tell the Council he should return to the war. I admit I don't want to see him go back, but we both need to – if I ever can, that is."
"No word yet?" Garen asked.
"I see the healers very shortly. I should have an answer then," Obi-Wan said with a sigh. "I just…wish I knew. I don't like uncertainty."
"And if the healers give you bad news?"
Obi-Wan shrugged. "I adapt." His simple words indicated he had no more to say on the subject. Garen was not going to let his friend off so easily, and was about to press him when the chime announced visitors.
It was a surprise visit from Yoda and Mace Windu. Garen immediately stood up and excused himself, patting Obi-Wan encouragingly on the shoulder as he left.
"No need to leave," Mace told him, but the Jedi smiled and said he would return at another time, bowing as he left.
"Master Windu, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan acknowledged, struggling to his feet until Mace caught his arm and tugged him back down.
"No need to stand on ceremony, Obi-Wan," he said gently, studying the Jedi's thin face. He knew Obi-Wan had looked far worse than he found him now, but he still found it disconcerting to see such a healthy, active Jedi reduced to this weary man leaning limply against his seat back as if needing its support, when normally he would have sat comfortably, one leg usually crossed over the other or if utterly relaxed, sprawled all over it.
Normally a man of medium stature with a fine boned face, Obi-Wan was finally filling out but his bones were still too prominent and indicative of how much weight his injuries had cost him. At least his color was normal and his skin had lost that translucent look it had; his eyes were bright and the look that marked him as a very ill man was gone.
"You're looking much better, Obi-Wan," Mace said. "The healers say you are gaining weight and getting stronger each day, but you look worn out."
Obi-Wan made a face at that. "I overdid it today; I'm not as strong as I would like to think. Anakin has been invaluable." He paused, wondered if he should broach the subject he'd been discussing with Garen prior to the two council members arrival.
"I've encouraged him to relax and enjoy himself for a while after all he's done for me and all he's endured this past year. However, I suspect his lightsaber skills are getting rusty as he has no one to train with. I wonder if I should rein him in a bit. Would you agree?"
"Agree, I would," Yoda nodded, well aware of the freedom granted the young man. "The trials we may allow him to take sometime soon, should he learn what he still needs to learn. Reviewed your last reports we have. Not quite ready he is, but soon perhaps. Strong and centered he should be and not lose focus. To fail his trials your padawan would not take well."
That comment alone indicated Anakin's lack of readiness in the Council's eyes. A Jedi was supposed to be serene and accepting; railing against failure was certainly not Jedi-like behavior.
"Perhaps the Chosen One is not meant to meet the same standards," Obi-Wan said. "Anakin has never," he hesitated, "behaved as a Jedi raised in the Temple, yet his power and accomplishments have earned him commendation. His disappointment should he fail the trials would be no less than my own. He is a very gifted and giving Jedi."
Yoda grunted and Mace settled back in his seat with no comment, leaving Obi-Wan to worry that his words had only awoken old doubts in the two. They had been intended to show support for his padawan.
Realizing now the potential consequences of leaving Anakin to simple pleasures since their return to the Temple, Obi-Wan made a little gesture of irritation at his lack of foresight. In his desire to see his padawan happy, he had neglected to take heed of the young man's future as he concerned himself with the present.
He suddenly wondered if in his desire to see the boy happy he had neglected to properly guide the boy all along. From almost the first, he had seen Anakin as a young man facing more than he was prepared to bear, starting with the death of the Jedi who had befriended him and removed him from the only home he had ever known.
The Jedi had never been quite sure how to deal with Anakin. He had tried tolerance, knowing the boy had not been raised as a Jedi. The boy had taken advantage of his master's leniency, his giggles and smiles softening deserved reprimands.
When Obi-Wan had realized that his master's tolerance was only allowing the boy's behavior to earn the Council's disapproval and unspoken displeasure from other Jedi, he had tried severity. His padawan only resented and fought the tighter discipline, coming as it did during the rebellious teen years.
He had been first a friend, then a taskmaster, and only now, when it was perhaps too late, did he realize what kind of master he should have been all along.
"I fear I may have done my padawan a disservice," Obi-Wan said slowly. "Yet he needed this break. You must have seen the change in him. I had been – concerned – for him." He didn't want to give the two Council members the wrong idea, but both Jedi had desperately needed a break and only Obi-Wan's injuries had granted them that. Anakin deserved his chance to take the trials, and the master did not wish to stand in the way with ill-chosen words.
"Hard on many Jedi this war is," Yoda uttered, nodding his head. "Know this, we do."
"Understandable your concern was, but we should have suggested something before now ourselves. You have been preoccupied with your recovery and your padawan with his freedom. We could arrange with some of the other masters to take on some of his training until you are ready to resume them," Mace suggested, leaning forward to look Obi-Wan in the face, even as he realized with a start that the Jedi couldn't see him. Obi-Wan seemed so at ease he had all but forgotten.
As if sensing his thoughts, Obi-Wan turned towards him and smiled. "I find my other senses have grown stronger," he explained. "I even think I have a deeper connection with the Force. While there is much I can't do, there is plenty that I can do, even if my eyesight never returns. I shall find complete acceptance soon."
"Hope, the healers still have," Yoda said earnestly. Obi-Wan's head swung towards him.
"Hope. I, too, but I fear perhaps not. I have prepared myself," he said, though a muscle in his jaw tightened just a bit, betraying his outward calm.
"Young Skywalker does not know yet?" Mace knew the answer, but he had to ask.
Obi-Wan's head drooped and his eyes turned to his hands, clasped in his lap. Old habits died hard, to all outward appearances Obi-Wan seemed normal, though Yoda had noticed that he had begun to swing his head to follow sounds even in situations he normally would have swung his eyes.
"No," he said simply. At their silence, he lifted his head in what seemed both defiance and contrition. "I know you think I should speak to him."
"Not for us to say," Yoda said softly, "But yes, tell him I think you should. Soon. Harder it will be, the longer you wait."
The Jedi bowed his head. He knew it was his own fears as well as his hope to spare Anakin worry that prompted his silence. Should Anakin struggle as his master expected with the news, Obi-Wan feared he would lose his own battle to remain strong. He could not expose his fears to his padawan. It was hard enough to admit them to himself, or the imagined figure of his master at his side when he could no longer hold them back.
It was his own steadiness and resolve that gave Anakin strength when he wavered under his own burdens. "The Chosen One" was a growing burden on Anakin. The boy was both fearful and fascinated with the potential of carrying so much fate on his shoulders. The only way Obi-Wan could help was to be at his side offering a steady hand and careful guidance.
Yoda and Mace glanced at each other; they recognized Obi-Wan's struggle though they were unaware of all the reasons the Jedi had for keeping quiet.
"I can't…how do I tell him? 'I'm blind, Anakin'? Don't worry, maybe I'll see again. Maybe I won't." He swallowed hard, struggling to maintain his Jedi calm.
How could he help Anakin deal with it, when he hadn't yet fully accepted it himself? Even now, he found it hard to discuss with the two Jedi; he didn't want to admit to his own inability to accept his condition fully and finally. A Jedi was supposed to face and release fear. He had found success, only to have the fear return at odd moments and sweep that acceptance away. As now; it was threatening to overwhelm him and he fought for control.
He sensed quiet concern from them; the two masters were offering comfort in their own way, not judgment, and giving him time to speak. Obi-Wan took a deep breath before continuing, trying to keep his voice steady.
"I don't want Anakin worrying as Qui-Gon did over Tahl. I don't want him doing nothing but fuss over me when he should be enjoying the first break he's had in over a year. You must have seen how rested and…and content he's been lately." His frustration was nearly hidden but bubbling near the edge of his control. Mixed in with it was concern for his padawan and uncertainty on the best course of action.
Mace put a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder until the younger Jedi showed signs of regaining control over his emotions.
"Obi-Wan, listen," he advised gently. "I know it's been hard, and on you two especially since we push you both so hard and give you so little respite. We don't do it because we want to, but because we need you, and we forget that even you two need a break once in a while."
The note of apology in his voice caused Obi-Wan to feel a bit ashamed. They weren't the only Jedi feeling the pressure of constant fighting. His hand sought his temple, rubbed it absently. He could feel a tight band of tension tightening around his skull underneath the weight of his fears. "I understand, truly Master, but Anakin is still so young. So many of the Jedi are so young. They have known little but warfare, unlike us older Jedi. It worries me."
"Change that, we cannot, until the war we end," Yoda joined in, though his voice held a note of sorrow.
"What will happen to Anakin if I don't regain my sight?" His voice shook despite himself.
Mace and Yoda looked at each, and then Mace said gently, "He will remain your padawan, Obi-Wan. We have no intention of attaching him to another master."
"Perhaps… you should. You need him in this war, and I - I can no longer fight at his side," he said, the words slow and hesitant. They were words he hated to voice.
He could no longer deny his duty. His duty to the Jedi, to the Republic, and to those for whom they fought – duty required that the "Chosen One" return to the battlefront. His duty to his apprentice had demanded he be given a break, but it was time to remember the greater good. Obi-Wan could not stand in the way any longer.
"He has a duty to you, as well as you to him," Mace said quietly. "Wars are won by more than just battles; there is plenty of time of him to rejoin it, when you no longer have need of him or he of you. He still needs you, Obi-Wan."
"Headstrong and impatient your padawan is," Yoda said with a rap of his stick. "Far more so than you at that age, more so than Qui-Gon. Tries your patience, he has often, and does not listen to more experienced voices. Still, trust you we do to teach him. Things there are for him still to learn. Better job no Jedi could do with that boy. A knight he is not ready to be, not yet. Still needs you, he does; by your side he remains until a knight he becomes."
"What Yoda means," Mace interjected, ignoring Yoda's glare, "we will address the matter when we must, Obi-Wan. For now nothing is to change, and he remains here with you until we have need to change it. But I agree; he should resume his training. I will see what masters are available to work with him as you continue to recuperate. I shall have them contact you. We will leave you to rest now."
At Obi-Wan's weary nod, Mace indicated with a turn of his head to Yoda that they should leave. As he stood, Mace turned and looked with compassion at the Jedi, who was now sitting with his head in his hands, exhaustion written in every line of his body.
"I am pleased that you survived your injuries, Obi-Wan, and are recovering so well. May the Force be with you, my friend." He smiled and patted the Jedi's shoulder as Obi-Wan's head lifted in surprise at his choice of words, and followed Yoda from the room with a hint of a smile on his usually dour face.
"Favorites we do not have," Yoda said fiercely to Mace as they walked down the hallway. "Friend, humph, indeed." But the little Jedi was smiling.
In Anakin's absences, Obi-Wan had been continuing to explore ways to use the Force to help him in areas that his eyesight had formerly done. He could sense obstacles and find his way with little difficulty, but even with the Force there were limits to what he could do without eyesight.
He was learning to overcome those limitations, and focus on his abilities and as his body grew stronger, his ability to focus on the possible versus the not-possible grew stronger, too.
By now well beyond needing to put his strength into survival, Obi-Wan was rapidly recuperating and doing well in therapy, able to turn the full power of the Force to healing. Therapy was quickly rebuilding formerly atrophied muscles; his grip was getting stronger and his legs were better able to support him so that he only needed one stick to assist him when his leg tired.
His hard work had paid off, for within mere days he was able to walk without aid, albeit a bit unsteadily and still with a bit of a limp, though not for long periods of time. Usually with Garen at his side, often Bant or Anakin, he roamed the Temple, happy that he no longer needed sticks or a friendly hand constantly at his elbow to support him, or when he returned without being out of breath and spent.
When he was both able to grasp and lift his lightsaber hilt, and hold it steady in his hand, he was inordinately pleased and decided to test himself against remotes in a secluded salle. The healers had not thought to forbid such activity.
As his fingers curled around the grip, he grinned. He knew he could do this. Temple exercises of fighting with eyes covered, blind to all but the Force, had prepared him. Fighting with a lightsaber had always been deeply satisfying, especially in the days when fighting was to win contests, not to kill before being killed. Now lightsaber combat was no longer a game but a means of survival.
For the moment, wielding his lightsaber would be again fun.
He desperately wished to engage the remotes at the highest setting, using the maximum number of remotes, but common sense commanded the Jedi to start as though he was but a first year initiate.
"One, no make that two remotes, setting alpha five," he commanded. Taking a balanced stance, his lightsaber at the ready, he spoke again. "Begin."
His grin of anticipation quickly dissipated as he realized he had a long way to go before he would be in fighting shape. He may have been back in his element, but he was unsteady and he tired far too quickly.
Parrying a flash, his arm dropped when it should have remained level, and only a desperate call on the Force to get his arm back up allowed him to block the zap of the remote's red beam. Whirling to meet a second attack, his leg was slow to bring him around and a painful jolt stung his leg. The Force directed him to meet each attack, but his body was letting him down.
"End session," he muttered finally, and limped to a seat, breathing heavily and wiping sweat from his face with a sleeve. "A less than competent performance," he added unhappily, though well aware it was his physical weakness that had betrayed him, not his connection to the Force.
"For one all but dead not long ago, a commendable job," a familiar voice spoke up, and Obi-Wan looked up startled. "Knew not I was here, eh? Tightly focused, you were. So impatient to be well, you are."
That stung a little. Impatience had always been one of the traits he had fought to overcome. He thought he had, but it was still there, coming out in little ways at odd times as now. He bowed his head in acknowledgement, only to hear Yoda's chuckle.
"Reprimand you, I won't. Understand I do. But if overdo it you do, and set back your recovery, my wrath you shall face."
"Wrath ill becomes a Jedi," Obi-Wan retorted with a chuckle of his own. "A severe frown from you is more than enough to keep me in line. Did you need me, Master Yoda?"
"Need, no," the little Jedi said. "Time free I had, check on the initiates training classes I did and saw this room in use. Suspected it was you, I did. So many Jedi away, so rarely used are these salles these days." A note of sadness permeated the Jedi's voice, and Obi-Wan bowed his head in agreement.
"To your quarters you return? Accompany you, I shall."
Obi-Wan stood, and clipped his lightsaber to his belt. "I'm ready," he said and got slowly to his feet. Perhaps he had overdone it a bit, or just missed too many zaps. He was stiffening up. Yoda handed him his stick without comment, though he felt the Jedi's unvoiced concern.
"Hard to deal with this, it must be," the Jedi finally said noncommittally, "yes? Speak to no one, do you, but hold it all in as always. Qui-Gon, force you to face your fears, he would, be there for you. Shall I too, if you allow."
Obi-Wan swallowed; it would be a relief to speak his feelings, but as always he found it hard. He thought of making a snappy comeback, something about how a Jedi feels no fear, but Yoda would see through him. Yoda always seemed to know how he felt. Yoda had been there for him after Qui-Gon's death, after Geonosis and was offering to be there for him, again.
It was one of the things that endeared Yoda to the younger Jedi.
"Seeking acceptance you are, Obi-Wan, but found it you have not. Not completely, not yet. Unable to speak to your padawan, you are, send him away you do so face him you do not. Unfair to him, it is. Your friends, hide from them do you also."
Yoda only sounded this severe when he was concerned and trying to help. Obi-Wan frowned. Was that how Yoda saw it? Was he hiding from them? He didn't think he was hiding from them, only hiding his fears. They were only fears and they would be conquered. There was no need for them to deal with them. He was the one who needed to deal with them.
"I do not wish to burden them with something that will soon disappear," he replied after reflecting on Yoda's words. "I have not yet totally accepted my blindness, you are right. Nor do I know if I will regain full mobility of my leg. But I am finding acceptance, day by day. I have found acceptance – only to lose it every so often."
"Help you, your friends can. A burden shared is a burden lessened."
"They have their own burdens to bear." He was thinking of Anakin.
"Share theirs you would. Know this, I do. Know your heart I do, hidden though you keep it. Never hesitate to help others, do you. Hesitate not to let them help you now."
When he was younger, he could lean on his friends as they on him. But with maturity had come steadiness and strength, and he knew his friends had come to rely on it. Anakin relied on it. The boy still needed stability and firmness in his life, and only his master could provide that as yet.
"My padawan relies on his master's strength." He didn't realize he was speaking aloud until Yoda snorted at him.
"Strength a Jedi finds within, when strong he needs to be. Strong always you think you must be. Great strength you have within you and a fine example to the younger Jedi you are. But folly it is to think one must be strong all the time. Your padawan measures himself against you and finds himself lacking, as did you with Qui-Gon. When a padawan knows only his master's strength, and sees weakness in himself, falls short he thinks he does."
"In power Anakin measures himself against no one; in his abilities alone does he trust." Obi-Wan's words were rueful.
"A bad measure for a Jedi that is, unless balanced by good judgment and wisdom," Yoda chided him. "In power alone one does not measure oneself."
"My padawan does," Obi-Wan grinned, though it had long been a source of contention between the master and padawan. He had tried hard to get through to Anakin that power alone did not make a Jedi. He quickly sobered, for this had become a serious discussion.
"Anakin does not bother to measure himself against anyone. He has too much faith in himself for that." He knew this to be true; yet there was truth in Yoda's words. How many times had he found himself lacking when measured against his master? Anakin was not he, however, and his confidence was immeasurable.
"Like many of the young ones, he measures himself against you as a man as well as a Jedi, even if you know this not." Yoda snorted at the startled expression on the younger Jedi's face. "Too modest you are, Obi-Wan. As a role model you see yourself not; yet to others, you are."
Obi-Wan felt the heat crawl up his cheeks as he flushed at Yoda's words, and he stammered back, "I don't know why. There are plenty of Jedi who would be better role models than I. Force, just thinking how Anakin and I argued in the past – well – we were a pretty fine example of how not to behave I would think."
"Still, a strong team you were, as now. Respected that we did, even if before the Council you were both called more than we liked. Scheduled you once a month we did for a while just out of habit." Yoda chuckled, and Obi-Wan relaxed. As the master, he was responsible for Anakin's behavior and too often had found himself defending himself and his padawan in the first few years, knowing all the while that the discipline was more than deserved. Usually they had escaped with little more than reprimands and rebukes.
After returning to their quarters properly chastised, Obi-Wan never knew whether to add his own scolding, or let the Council's words stand on their own.
"Before the Council often you stood, first with Qui-Gon and then your padawan. Rarely was it your behavior that we discussed." Yoda sounded amused. "Yet always you were there, before the Council. Sit on it one day you will."
"I'm…I'm sorry?" he stammered.
"Heard me you did," Yoda said, thumping his stick against the floor. "Surprised you are, eh? Laughed did Qui-Gon when I told him that years back - said he would have failed you had he made you into a conventional, rule-obeying proper Jedi, worth little other than sitting in Council handing out edicts. Teasing me he was. Proud of the Jedi you are he would be, as am I. Good judgment you have, but taking the right path with your padawan now, you are not."
"But I respected Qui-Gon's strength and sought to emulate it." Obi-Wan protested.
"Qui-Gon Jinn you are not. Obi-Wan Kenobi you are, and Anakin Skywalker is not a young you. Resentment he finds when always strong you are, respect your strength he will when he knows weaknesses you too have. Respect your own master less when he was weak you did not. Sought to give him your strength you did until his own he regained, much comfort he found in you he confided. Deny that same comfort to yourself you should not."
That silenced Obi-Wan. Yoda was right. He had never thought less of his master when Qui-Gon had admitted he needed his padawan's support. He had felt needed, and proud to return something to the man he both respected and loved as teacher and friend.
The little Jedi watched silently as Obi-Wan reflected on his words; the play of memories that swept across his face.
Finally, Yoda spoke. "Your padawan, young Skywalker is. A team you are. A boy he is no longer but needs you he does and to know that you need him also he needs. Dealing with this on your own, Obi-Wan, a disservice you do him. Your motives pure they may be, but harmful they may also be."
Before Obi-Wan could respond, Yoda's comlink signaled to him. After a brief conversation, Yoda laid a clawed hand on Obi-Wan's arm.
"Go, I must. Further on this I wish we could speak. Unburden yourself, you should. To your friends speak; your padawan also. Need them you do, as they need you to need them."
The Jedi stood dismayed and deep in thought, as Yoda's steps tapped away. Was that how his friends saw his silence? Anakin? That he didn't need them, now when he knew just how much he did need them and how much he relied on them? They had been at his side giving him strength as he fought for life; they had held his hand when he could barely think for pain. Their very presence had been reassuring when he needed reassurance.
He had taken what he thought he needed from them, but did he need more? Did they need to give more than he allowed them? Was he, perhaps – selfish – in how he dealt with this?
The Jedi bowed his head. It was his own fears as well as his hope to spare Anakin worry that had prompted his silence. Was he only deceiving himself that he was silent for Anakin's sake?
Confused and uncertain, the Jedi knew he had a lot of thinking to do. He would clean up and then seclude himself for some deep meditation.