I think I might change the story's rating to M. I'll try not to get to descriptive on any violence and/or sex scene, but some chapters just write themselves…

Good Omens and all characters related are property of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

Chapter 21

She aches everywhere. She's having trouble breathing, but she's not sure if that's because of all the smoke she has inhaled or if her lungs have been damaged. Considering the state she's in, it's probably a combination of both.

It's too hot in here. Hellishly hot. She feels like laughing at the ridiculousness of her own thoughts, but all that comes out is a painful cough. Her head is spinning, both from pain and lack of oxygen. It'll be over soon, or at least she hopes so, because this is just too much. She supposes she'll pass out before the flames start licking her skin and she's glad; burning to death sounds too horrid for her tastes (not that dying sounds particularly appealing at all).

Survival instinct kicks in a while latter, when the fire reaches her. In her weakened state she can barely move, but she manages to roll around and tries to stand up. It's too much of an effort since she can barely stay conscious now, but she manages to stand on shaky legs. Adrenalin fueling her movements, she takes two steps before she collapses once more. She thought she was in pain before; this just proves it can (and will) get worse.

That's when she starts panicking. She knows her panic is not really helping her situation and it's making her lungs hurt even worse, but she can't do anything about it. Her breath starts coming in short gasps, her vision gets blurry and she feels tears pricking her eyes, but none of that really matters, does it? She's about to die and…

The last wave of panic (of sheer terror) sends her spiraling to consciousness. She wakes up, her breath raggedy, her whole body shaking and cold sweat covering her. She feels someone rubbing her back soothingly, but it's little help in her distressed state. Soft reassurances whispered against her ear don't help much either, so she pulls away from whoever is holding her and starts pacing, breathing deep and willing her mind to clear.

She knows it was only a dream (well, a memory) but she can't quite convince her body she's not dying. Pacing helps a little; as she forces her body to move, her brain starts accepting that she's not hurting (physically) and that makes breathing easier. Finally she calms down enough to take notice of her surroundings and when she sees her fiancé's frown, she braces herself for the discussion she knows it's coming.

Only it doesn't. Instead of confronting her about her nightmare, James stands up and heads towards the kitchen, leaving Aziraphale to finish calming down. She frowns at his silence, wondering if he's waiting for her to be a little more relaxed before he picks up a fight with her. Sounds plausible.

Sighing, she follows him. James is making tea, his back turned at her. She stands at the threshold, watching him in silence and waiting for him to make the first move "Drink" he orders once the tea is ready, placing the mug over the table with more force than strictly necessary.

She obeys, taking a seat. They stay quiet for a while, both now sipping their drinks from their respective mugs "Thank you" she whispers, tired of the silence and wishing to get this over with.

"You haven't dreamed of that night in ages" he tells her, as if she didn't know. She glares, but relents when he doesn't continue. He looks tired and a bit defeated and Aziraphale is not quite sure what to do now "I just…" he whispers, running a hand through his hair "I'm trying my best, you know? I'm trying to take care of you"

She nods. She knows; doesn't mean she's happy about it "I didn't ask you to. And I don't need you to"

"No. But I feel responsible for you" he stares at her for a long while "I almost failed you that night"

She huffs "What I tried was suicidal. My mistakes almost cost me my life, but it was in no way your fault. You didn't even know…"

"I should have been there for you" he argues "I won't make the same mistake twice"

Aziraphale wonders why he thinks it's the same situation "I'm not 18 anymore"

"No. You're just as foolish as you were back then"

This irks her, making her stand up and exit the kitchen "Aziraphale!" he calls her back, but she refuses to listen. She gets into his study and closes the door behind her, slamming it. He listens to James coming closer and he stands outside. She knows that if he wants, he'll just walk in. This is his home after all and she's not really in the mood to put up on a fight. Still, she hopes he'll let her be.

After a few minutes, she listens to her fiancé's steps heading back towards the bedroom and she leans her head against the door. Once more her body is shaking and she feels like going back to bed and get some sleep but she just can't lie next to him and pretend nothing happened. In a way, she guesses he's right. She knows she's being foolish, letting her feelings towards Crowley cloud her judgment. He's the enemy and she should take some distance. She knows what his kind is capable of doing, regardless of what they may or not feel.

Only… Crowley is not really like that, is he? He wouldn't… he won't hurt her. He won't actively try to hurt her and that's good enough for her. In their line of work, it's nearly impossible not to hurt the ones you care about unintentionally. There's always the chance they'll become collateral damage.

She hugs herself, tears now streaming down her cheeks. There's a lot she doesn't remember about that night, but she recalls the pain, the anger and the fear, but most of all, she remembers the bitter taste of the betrayal. Because those people were supposed to care for her, protect her and they always claimed to love her and yet…

Love has little to do with anything; that she learned on that fateful night. She sometimes wished her mother hadn't missed that shot, because it would have saved her from a lot of pain. She still doesn't understand why she did it. It wasn't mercy. It wasn't love. She doesn't know what it was.

She sighs.

Does she love Crowley? In a way, she supposes. It's complicated, mostly because she hasn't allowed herself to see how deep her feelings for her counterpart run. She hasn't loved someone in a long time. She likes people. She cares for people. But she hasn't loved anyone since…

Since her mother.

James is right, as always (damn him!) She loves Crowley and is refusing to see just how bad things will end up for her when it's all over. And she imagines it will be even worse, because she doesn't only love him, she's falling in love with him and that's even a worse recipe for disaster.

With a sigh, she leaves the study and heads back to the bedroom "It's one thing to know I don't love you and still marry me, and it's an entirely different one to know there's someone I do love and still marry me"

James looks up from the book he's reading, one eyebrow arched "Ah, so you've come to terms with your situation" Aziraphale just continues staring at him appraisingly, wondering why he's doing this "as I said, I won't fail you. We never really loved each other, Aziraphale, but we're friends. You'd do the same for me"

Would she? "Marrying won't stop me from feeling the way I do"

"No. But it'll stop you from acting on it. It'll ease the blow, I think"

Maybe. Maybe it'll make it worse "So you've resigned yourself to a loveless marriage for the sake of… what?"

He lets out an amused huff "Aziraphale dear, marrying you is hardly a trial. You're talented and resourceful, I've got no doubt this marriage will benefit me in the long run" he stands up, coming closer to her "you're quite lovely and I do enjoy your company" he kisses the side of her neck and she finds herself tilting her head to give him better access "And I did promise I would never let you make the same mistake. I'm a man of my word"

She's still not convinced that he has a very good argument, but she decides not fight it. Maybe he's right; once married, eventually, her feelings for Crowley will subsided, if only because there'll be no way of pursuing them. He might step back a little. Of course, ever since he found out she was getting married, they've become closer, so maybe her logic is not quite sound…

Then again, she knows herself. She won't cheat on her fiancé, even less on her husband. So yeah, maybe with time, Crowley and her will put some distance between them, if only to ease the ache of not being able to actually be together. However…

"My head is aching"

He laughs at that "Let's get back to bed then"

Yes. That's a fine idea.

"So, were you planning on letting me known about your impromptu honeymoon?"

Aziraphale almost drops the phone after that "What are you talking about?" she asks, a little more brusquely than she intended "And I'm busy, you know. Just because you now have my mobile phone's number doesn't mean you can call me whenever you feel like it" she's tired and irritable, both because she has lots of work to do (she always does this time of the year, hundreds of reports to file)and also because she hasn't been sleeping that well.

"The reason you canceled on our next meeting?"

She still has no idea what he's talking about. She didn't cancel "I didn't… oh. Oh, bugger" damn James, always meddling in her business. Is it not enough that he's tying a proverbial leash around her neck? "I didn't cancel. They told me you did. I'm guessing James' did it in my account" she sighs "well, all for the better, I supposed. At least it would give us a chance for some short holidays"

"Are you going anywhere?"

And here's when she's supposed to start taking distance. After last night revelations, why does she torture herself like this? Now she knows she loves him. And she still knows this won't head anywhere. She won't break her engagement (her secrets are still too precious and besides, love is such a silly reason to throw away safety) "I always spend Christmas' Eve with the Archangels but… I'm free on New Year's"

"What about your fiancé?"

Aziraphale scoffs; doesn't he know who her fiancé is? Of course he'll be otherwise engaged "Busy. You'll be surprised at the amount of work he has at this point of the year"

She can practically hear Crowley's grin. She closes her eyes, picturing his perfect smile and cursing her own foolishness.

She's so screwed.

On December 16th, a week before her vacations start, she's standing in front of two unnamed tombs in London's Highgate Cemetery. She caresses on of the tombs, her eyes getting slightly misty "You're not even really dead, are you mother?" she asks softly "Eleven years ago, you've taught me the most important lesson of my life. And then I meet a pretty boy and I throw caution at the wind" she lets out a self-depreciatory chuckle "You'll be disappointed"

She stands there for a little longer, taking deep, calming breaths "Then again, I've been a constant disappointment, haven't I?" silence answers her. Not that she expected any different "I'll be smart this time, mom. I really don't fancy another loved one attempting to kill me"

Crowley wouldn't.

Then again, she never thought her mother would.

Huh… Once more, I'm not sure about this chapter. As always, it didn't go the way I planned it. And I'm not sure if it makes sense for you, dear readers, since I do know Aziraphale's backstory here, but I'm only giving you small glimpses and I'm not sure if I'm making it understandable enough.

Thoughts, anyone?