21. With Eyes That See the Bigger Picture
9:32 Dragon
Winter broke the darkened skies as snowflakes fluttered in the passing wind. Some clung to the stone walls of the Gallows while most were swallowed by the rocking pitch black sea. The Circle opted to burn significantly more candles around this time of year, desperately trying to emanate the lack of sun's warmth in light of the usual, downcast weather. Nighttime became Asher's favourite part of the day as the candles twinkled like stars that filled the Circle's cosmos. Since the dawn set quicker now, the Mages were still allowed to go about their business past night fall. She was finding herself spending less time cooped up in the library and more so enjoying the scenery as Asher took casual strolls around the Gallows every evening. Today marked a surprising exception to her routine. Today she did not spend a single minute on her studies.
Asher finished sewing her shawl for the season the night prior. The cool lavender hugged her shoulders neatly, long enough to reach her wrists and cover her entire upper body, cuffed at the neck in light grey lining. With the changing weather came an update to her wardrobe. The usual Mage robes were rather thin and could not keep her warm enough throughout the day. Asher pulled out the winter robes she had worked on with Wynne's help a few seasons back. This one was made of metal grey wool and decorated silver embroidery across the back. Wynne stated it was her most impressive work of the bunch.
Whether it was her change in ensemble or the cold chill that lingered within the halls, Asher woke up that morning without a single thought of her research. The lectures were taking a break as students spent as much time outside under the sunlight as possible. Even Orsino was less adamant about their Force Magic lessons.
Asher tucked herself in her shawl, grabbing a mug to head for the dinning hall to start the day with some hot tea and honey covered bread. Along the way her students paused to strike up a conversation about the recent cloud patterns they observed followed by a shared meal that prolonged their discussion. When Asher finished her breakfast, she headed for the gardens to assist the Tranquil herbalists. They worked with few breaks in between until the sky muted and the lights illuminated the courtyard. Passing Templars were busy with their own tasks to notice a couple Mages huddled around the bushes. Asher bowed out, collecting a handful of ripened herbs that she'd use for her research, and headed for her room. The plan was to finish the day with some light reading on nature interpretation that she found hidden in the library.
Though her tasks have been fairly effortless for that day, her mind wandered to no limit, scattering in every direction as she pondered on words that carved deep into her mind.
Where had her clarity disappeared?
The world, though intricate and complex, never seemed so hazy with doubt as it did now. Back then she was able to view every situation from an objective lens, preferring the company of stoic logic to guide her actions while adjusting to the dynamic change. She had preferences of her own and a moral guide that nudged her in a direction her soul felt comfortable enough to follow while at the same time weighing the consequences of a biased point of view. Now, nothing made much sense.
It was as if the world flipped upside down and shook the pillars of reasoning that once held up her sanity. The Mages were constantly bickering with the Templars here. The Templars were just as harsh with their response which fueled the brewing anger. At times it felt that Orsino encouraged the arguments while Meredith rarely kept her Templars in check, at least not publicly. Meanwhile, no matter how much she attempted to shield her apprentices from these disputes, even the children were beginning to parrot the rhetoric. The madness was spreading, taking root deep within the crevasses of their society.
For the most part, she either felt one of two things these days. Asher either harbored anger for a Circle that unjustly harmed children in the name of political gain or, when she ran out of energy to sustain that fury for her superiors, the hollow nothingness crept around the corner and settled to fill a void in her heart. Everything appeared bleak and the tick echoed within her brain like drops of water pattering after a heavy storm. The said storm had left Asher broken. The pain and regret she once felt with the aftermath of Kinloch Hold had completely numbed. Her personality was altered. She was more prone to snarky outbursts or simply ignoring everyone, including her elders, something she never imagined to do while in Ferelden back then. Asher no longer understood what it meant to be alive; for what purpose did she exist in this world?
The only time she felt any release from this pressure was the moments spent with her students. Whether it was their unyielding desire to absorb the world's knowledge or the genuine happiness that shined through this vile atmosphere, Asher eagerly awaited her lectures as much as they had, if only to escape the reality outside her classroom for a few hours. The days without them were draining, until another warmth presented itself in the most unlikely source.
Capable of silencing the tick, his kisses were electrifying. His gentle approach was heaven-sent, washing over any negative emotion that haunted her mind. Her soul sang for him, heartbeat rising as everything spun into a flush pink bliss as he graced her lips. And when he opted to follow through with his own desires, that he condemned every time, the results were violently beautiful.
And yet, he was no exception to the Circle's state of affairs. He served under Meredith, her second-in-command, and motivated by his own anger - the condemnation of Mages for the torture he endured, as they proclaimed it in hushed whispers. In all honesty, Cullen was not necessarily unfair but the calm demeanor he once held when interacting with her kind had all but evaporated in contrast to the stern wall that he put up when dealing with them. He stated that she was his sole exclusion, that he trusted only her magic. But the guard he put up around her could not be hidden within his eyes. He was still cautious as he walked about the Gallows, keeping his distance. Cullen was part of this Mage-Templar equation, just as much as she was, both unwilling participants that wanted nothing more than to escape this propaganda hell.
The mere thought of it made her nauseous. Was this the reason for her missing clarity?
Asher turned for her room as she passed more Templars that eyed her within the hallway. Her arms were exhausted and fingers sore from the thorns that prickled through the gloves. She could easily heal the punctured wounds but her body was starting to wane. Perhaps she had finally reached the breaking point that Cullen and Orsino warned her of.
"Asher!"
Her heart stopped.
"Where have you been? I looked for you at the library all day!" Bethany ran up to her side, chest heaving to catch breath. "Can you imagine my shock to find that you were not at your usual spot?"
Asher looked her way, a smile erupting. Bethany, whether as a student or new friend, was another example of the calm that brought peace in her company. "I'm sorry... I guess I wasn't feeling up to studying much today."
Bethany's eyes widened, her hands hooking at her waist. "Are you feeling sick?"
"N-not at all." Asher shook her head. "I think I just needed a break."
"Could it be that all of my nagging has finally paid off?" She let out a hearty laugh. "This must be the most fascinating event that has happened since I've joined the Circle. Asher is actually heeding advice from people that are concerned about her health?"
"You're ridiculous." The blush grazed across her ears. "I'm perfectly capable of knowing my own limits."
Bethany snorted. "Yeah, when nugs fly."
Asher frowned, leaning against her door. "Did you actually want something or is it your plan to simply continue mocking me tonight?"
"Yes, yes!" She patted her shoulder, taking a step closer. "I was actually hoping to speak to you... in private. Do you mind if we take this conversation into your room? I am not eager to have Templars eavesdrop on us."
It was Asher's turn to worry. "Did you... are you in danger? Is this something we need to seek the First Enchanter's assistance?"
Bethany glanced around. She paused at Asher's concern, her brow furrowing. "What? No. We don't need to have the First Enchanter involved."
"But you're still in danger?" Asher continued to pry in spite of Bethany's fidget.
"What danger..?" She scratched the skin at her hair line. "Maker! Asher, I promise I am not planning my grand escape from the Gallows or brewing more apostate blood magic rituals. Can we just step inside? Please?"
Asher reached for the handle, pressing down to prompt the door to open. The two women stepped in before closing themselves off to the rest of the Circle.
Bethany walked around Asher, heading straight for the bed as she plopped onto the mattress. She bounced at the contact of the spring. Asher stepped to the window to brace herself for this secretive news she was about to hear. Even if Bethany assured her that there was nothing dire going on, she could not stop the fear from creeping into her mind. Her clarity was crystal clear then. Her concern for the apprentices did not allow her better judgement to be clouded. She needed her clarity to protect the people she cared for the most and Bethany just so happened to fit that category.
"Well?" Asher spoke up after the silence between them continued to drag on with no an end in sight.
"Well..." Bethany prolonged the vowel while avoiding her eye contact. "I guess you could say that I'm looking for a favor of sorts."
"A favor?" She repeated, trying to process everything carefully.
"A favor." Bethany nodded.
Asher remained silent. She needed to wait out Bethany's explanation if she were to act rationally.
The sky outside her window had started to turn dark. Asher glanced to a cluster of candles that were arranged on her cabinet, a gift from Orsino upon her arrival to Kirkwall. With a roll of her arm, she ignited the wick to keep some light within the room. Most of the sticks had been covered over with dripped wax from her endless nights of studying on the rug floor. She recalled Cullen tripping on one of the candles while complaining about the late hour and nearly setting her room ablaze. They ended up completely laughing over the matter after he put out the flame with his foot. She had ruptured in giggles first, much to the surprise evident on his face, until he gave in to join her.
How long had it been since she allowed herself to let loose like that?
"So..." Bethany attempted to piece her thoughts a second time. "I have a letter... that needs to be delivered."
Asher raised an eyebrow.
"I know, I know." She waved an arm. "This isn't just a letter. Well... actually, it is just a letter. With words. And it's the recipient that makes this letter unique."
"How so?" Asher leaned in, crossing her arms at her chest.
"All of our letters, whether they're coming in or going out, are always inspected by the Templars." Bethany slowly continued. "I cannot have anyone read this letter except for the intended person."
Asher let out a heavy sigh, shoulders slumping. "You are planning an escape, after all."
"No, I am not!" Bethany snapped.
"Then why are you being so secretive about this letter?" Asher huffed, her frustration looming around the corner. "You constantly send letters to update your mother and brother, even though you know that the Templars read through them, regardless. Why are you so intent on keeping this one away from them?"
"Because." Bethany shrunk in her space. "I cannot let them see this one and I was hoping you could help me deliver it without their consent."
"That's not a good enough reason." Asher held firm her ground. "Try again."
"Please. I can't tell you what's written in it." Bethany pressed.
"Why not?" Asher rebutted. "If I'm going to help you out, and that is still up in debate whether I will or not, I have the right to know what I am getting myself into."
"Asher." Bethany lowered her voice. "I cannot."
"Last chance."
Bethany bit her lower lip.
"Or I'm walking out of this room to get myself some dinner and we're not having this conversation again."
She had to remain vigilant. This was the only way to assure that she could protect Bethany if all of the cards were revealed from the start. If that meant pushing Bethany to the brink to keep her safe, so be it.
Taking a step forward, Asher began heading for the door. The final warning.
"The letter is addressed to my lover!" Bethany screeched with a broken voice.
Asher halted in her step, dumbfounded and lost, she turned to her with bewilderment plastered across her face. "Your... what?"
"My lover! I'm trying to deliver a letter to the person I love and I don't want the Order to sit in on our mushy conversations." Her embarrassment shook her whole. "Are you satisfied?"
Asher stuttered. "I d-don't understand... h-how..?"
Bethany's entire demeanor switched in a split second as her glare honed in on Asher mercilessly. "You're really going to ask me how I have a lover when you're the one sticking your tongue down the Knight-Captain's throat?"
"No one is sticking their tongue down anyone's throat." She nearly hissed the sentence.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Sarcasm coated her words. "I must have mistaken your heated evening make out sessions with innocent chats of shared memories of Ferelden. Do tell how he's the easiest Templar to be around, why don't you? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the way he ogles at you like a drunken idiot across the dinning hall when the Knight Commander isn't looking."
Her face flushed a scarlet red as Asher scrambled to find her sanity. "Alright, already - I get it! You want to deliver a letter to your lover without the Templars knowing about it!"
"Is it an 'opposites attract' kind of thing?" Bethany continued without skipping a beat. "Because I imagine it would be a lot easier to spend all of those nights together when he's out of that Templar uniform and in your-!"
A pillow smacked Bethany's head as Asher jumped across the room, unable to hear the rest of her rant. "No one is out of any uniforms! Will you stop it, already?! I'm fairly certain that I learned my lesson!"
"Wait," Bethany peered behind the pillow that she placed at her side on the bed. "You two haven't..?"
"Bethany." The threatening caution in her voice magnified. "Stop."
"But, wait. I'm curious now." She beamed suddenly. "Is it because the Chantry Boy is too shy to shame his dear Andraste or are you the one who isn't willing to take the relationship to the next step?"
"Bethany." Asher gave a second warning. "Drop. It."
"But you love him, don't you?" Her words prickled something sensitive. "Don't you?"
She stiffened.
"Look, I can't say that I am pleased that you are in the intimate company of a Templar, I'll be honest." Bethany shrugged, glancing to the ground. "But he seems to cherish the very ground you walk on."
Asher withheld her breath, her knuckles turning white at the clench.
"I've seen the way he painfully stares at you when you're not paying attention. I don't know what the nature of your relationship is, but I think it's quite clear how he feels about it." Bethany turned her gaze back to her. "Love isn't supposed to be logical. Love doesn't care that you two are polar opposites... just as it doesn't give a damn that I might be stuck in this Circle for the rest of my life while my heart still yearns for the one who has more freedom than he'll ever imagine."
The tick echoed into a silence.
"Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and follow what your instinct commands. Some people say that life is too short and I, for the longest time, disagreed with that statement, fearing to place the people I loved in unnecessary danger for my irrational actions." She smiled to herself, looking to the window now. "But once everything you hold dear is stolen from you, suddenly it's all painted in sorrow. You start to view the world with eyes that see the bigger picture. And in this world, people like us don't have the luxury to be cautious."
Asher sensed the lump forming at the base of her throat. She struggled to push out the following words. "I will check for contacts that may be able to send your letter out."
Bethany twirled in her direction. "H-hold on a minute..."
"Give me a couple months to see if there's a way." Asher ducked her head away. She could no longer look her way with cheeks that burned her core.
"Asher-!" Bethany attempted to reach out.
The rest of her sentence fell on deaf ears. Asher bolted out of the room. The heel of her boots chimed across the halls in a brisk walk as Asher focused on making it across the Gallows at top speed. Her shawl glided in the passing wind, the chill sneaking under the fabric to sting her exposed skin. She could not place her finger on this emotion.
There was sadness, something she had grown unaccustomed to by now. Asher kept stuffing this feeling into the depths for so long until it spilled like waves crashing fiercely against her practiced wall, eroding away the bare stone that sealed her heart. But that wasn't the only thing on her mind. An inkling of warmth spread through her chest. It kept heating up until reaching scorching heights; until breathing became too painful to sustain.
Asher stepped into the Templar corridor. By now, most Templars were either getting ready to head for the night or were finishing the remainder of their patrol before switching shifts. The hallway remained empty with lights dimming under each passing door. Her eyes searched for one, particular door. Wider than most, it bore the Chantry insignia that was carved into the wood. Most time of the day, this door remained ajar, inviting anyone to come inside. Most of the time, she avoided this door as much as possible. As Asher spotted it, she took note of the closed entrance. Her heart leaped to her throat when she realized that there was still light coming from the crack beneath it.
Her palm pressed firm to the surface.
There was no running away from this.
The tick that used to plague her daily was no where to be seen. The anger she bore had been subsided by the warmth and the hollow void was burning in the fire. Her mind was centered as all buzzing thoughts ceased. There was a calm that could bring her to tears, realizing how much she missed this peaceful silence. Everything was finally beginning to align.
Asher pushed forward.
:O!? YES?!
I also want to take the time and thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews and comments. You guys make my day with all of your kind words :) So... in the original 75 chapter outline, they should have had done the sex by chapter 20... But at this point, who even knows if there will be any action (of course, there'll be action, dumbass me). But... idk how long this series is now because we've veered off into something much darker than I initially anticipated. So... enjoy? Thank you for continuing to stick around!