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The Other Side of Me

Chapter 21

Jacob wiggled a hand through his coarse hair, black and shiny, like steel. I knew that the sun could cause a silvery-white cast over strands of his hair when it hit just right. So black that with the right light and angle, it could become white. In that same moment I was reminded that Edward's hair also shone in the sun - but his held a gold cast. Jacob looked up from the floor with eyes nearly as dark as his hair, deep-set and cool, his thick eyebrows rounding into a smile that warmed his whole face.

"Jake," I said, forcing a smile of my own. I held a hand out to him. "It's good to see you."

"Bella." His smile grew, all coolness abandoned - a faded memory - as he took my hand and pulled me into a hug. His pull caught me off guard, rough. I landed too hard against his cement chest, his arms closed around my shoulders too tight as he rocked me back and forth. It was a playful hug, and I couldn't breathe. I squirmed away from him. His arms let me go, and he dropped a hand to my wrist.

I saw myself slide across the floor of my old apartment, hit the wall. That had never happened before. Usually I felt it, as if it was happening all over again, but his time I saw it, outside of my body, like a movie. I blinked several times, my hand reaching for the back of my head. There was no James, not yet. Just me on the floor, blacking out.

"That's all I get, Bells? Not even a kiss on the cheek?" I felt a tug on my arm and I yanked out of his grasp.

"Stop…" It might have been a whisper. I gave a quick shake of my head. James was coming in the darkness; I knew it.

"What? What did I do?" He reached for my wrist again.

I stepped back, folding my arms across myself. "Can you just stop grabbing me for a second, please?" My heart was speeding. It was ridiculous. This was Jacob. Edward and my dad were right there. I was aware it didn't make any sense but my panic never made sense anyway. I glanced around. Our apartment. My dad. Jacob. Edward next to me. I focused on their faces.

"Grabbing you?" Jacob said. "I just wanted a hug. What's with the weirdness?" Jacob stepped forward, reaching for me again, his fingers grazed my skin.

I squeezed my eyes. "James, stop!" I moved away from both Edward and Jacob. Too much touching.

"Enough." Edward's voice was gruff, his hand flat against Jacob's chest, holding him back. Jacob didn't move, staring Edward down - coolness back.

The tension filling the room could have strangled us - dozens of braided wires wrapping our throats. The air was heavy, like piles of wool blankets. Thick and hot. It was hard to move.

My weighted hand reached for Edward's fingers. Before he clasped my hand, he lightly caressed my palm - perhaps a test to see if I'd yank away from him as I had Jacob. Thinking about it later, this action reminded me of how you let a strange dog sniff you before you pet him.

I moved closer to Edward, his arm locking instantly around my shoulders. I couldn't look at Jake. I was too embarrassed.

Edward's hand flat against my head followed me as I pushed my face into his chest. It may have appeared to an outsider as if he'd moved my head there, tucking me into an embrace, while the reality was I was trying to block out the images playing through my mind. I took a long, deep inhale, smelling Edward - the strongest sense in grounding myself in the present.

"What's up with you? You're both weird. Why did you call me James, Bells?"

"She's not weird. She just doesn't want you touching her. Respect that."

Edward's voice was deep and echoed through his chest. Another inhale of him - the outdoor-fresh of his aftershave from his neck, the cleansing scent of our laundry detergent in his shirt - his fingers gentle down my hair, and all my true senses were coming back to me, the room's temperature again bearable. I thought that maybe Jacob had been distracted enough by Edward not to notice my actions very closely, but when I chanced another look at him, he was frowning at me, surrendering, his hands in the air.

"Sure, man. I'm all about the respect."

"Jake," my dad said. "Forget it. Bella's just surprised to see you. Maybe she never got my message? Communication hasn't been our thing lately, has it, Bella?"

I shook my head.

Jacob turned his eyes back to Edward. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Edward. I live here."

Jacob raised his eyebrows. "Bells, your boyfriend's a little possessive, isn't he?"

"Bella," my dad said. "You live with your boyfriend?" Edward's hand dropped from my shoulder. I held my breath again.

"Okay. Edward, this is my father, Charlie. Dad, this is Edward, my boyfriend." They shook hands. "Jake, Edward. Edward, Jake." They didn't shake hands. They did glare at each other, jaws clenching. "Let's all go sit down now." I nudged them toward the living room, letting my dad and Jacob go ahead of me while I paused to ask Edward to grab some beer. We were going to need it.

"Wait. Are you okay?" he whispered. "Because you did say James, Bella."

"Yeah, I um…" I gave a quick head shake. "I'm back now. I'm okay."

"You're back? From a flashback?"

"Kind of."

"Come here." He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead, then my lips. "You know you're safe, don't you?" He rubbed my arms.

I nodded.

"Okay then, I'll be right back."

My dad and Jacob were seated on either end of the sofa, the only free spot was the cushion between them.

"How's Leah?" I asked Jacob, hoping some friendliness would smooth over our strange beginning.

"How should I know? She left me four days ago. For someone else." He did that slight pout thing with his lips and crossed his arms over his chest the way he had in the past when he wanted something. I narrowed my eyes. That used to work on me. Now I saw it as manipulative. What did he want?

"Bella," my dad said. "You're living with him?" He motioned with his thumb toward the kitchen.

I melted to the floor by my dad's legs. Cheese. I understood exactly what Edward had meant when he'd described Emmett. Okay. Omission. Omission. Omission. "Dad. I thought that you could take my room and I would sleep on the couch. But since Jake is here, I don't know what the sleeping arrangements will be."

"Or," Jake said. Edward handed him and my dad a beer. "Thanks, man. Or… you could sleep in Edward's room, your dad could take your room," he did the air quotes thing, "and I'll sleep on the couch."

Edward sat next to me on the floor, opened his beer, and rested an arm at my waist.

"Bella, what's going on?" my dad asked. "There have been enough lies. Are you two living together or not?"

"Jake." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Could you excuse us, please?"

"No prob. I have to make a phone call anyway." He exited the apartment as nonchalantly as if he hadn't just opened a can of snakes, like he

wasn't the snake.

"I wish you didn't bring him here," I whispered.

"Explain," my dad said.

I glanced over at the door, double checking that Jacob really was gone, and then back at my dad. His eyes were intent on mine, awaiting an answer. The truth. He deserved the truth.

"Dad, after James…" I swallowed, "...hurt me." I couldn't say rape to my dad. From the look on his face, it seemed he was relieved by my word choice. "I had trouble… I couldn't sleep alone, so Edward let me sleep with him."

"Sure he did."

I ignored that. "And after I started to get better, we just decided to keep it that way so, that's that. Happy now?"

"Uh, not remotely. Why didn't you tell me about James? I'm your father. Do you have any idea what it's like to read something like that about your daughter on a police report?" Tears filled his eyes. "There was not enough oxygen in the station. I knew I must have read the name wrong because my daughter would have called me. Asked for my help. When I think of what I could have done for you if only I'd known. Months, Bella. We could have had James by now." He stopped, his back quick against the sofa as if he shocked himself.

In the next few seconds, past moments with my dad flashed through my mind like a strobe light. The ones that stood out the most were the times when he had to play both the mother and father role simultaneously. Like when I started my period and he tried to talk to me about it with an awkward stuttering - "Bells, I think you're uh, you're uh, becoming a woman..." - before I released him from the shackles of that conversation by letting him know that I'd already learned about it all in school.

Or when he had "the sex talk" with me. Since Jacob was my first boyfriend, I never really had a first date - not a definable one. Not one where my father was introduced to my date with a clear outline of our plans and what time I'd be back. I was just always with Jacob. So that sex talk had included both of us at age seventeen, sitting with my dad at the kitchen table. I still wonder how he'd feel if he knew that we'd already been doing it for a year by the time he sat us down and embarrassed us all.

I remembered the day, just weeks after my mom left, when my dad had brought home a kitten from a box outside the market. Orange Marmalade. My cat had slept on my bed - more familiar with my secrets than any person had ever been. And when my cat disappeared my senior year, it was my dad's shoulder I'd cried on, and he'd cried too - but his silent tears were more for my loss than for the cat.

I looked across at my dad now, his face contorted in a sadness I'd never seen in him before. His hurt from what James had done to me was made far worse by my omission. I could see in his face, his eyes, even the way he held his hands together, that he was more pained than ever - even more than when my mom left us. I wished I could make it go away, perhaps just like he and Edward wished they could do the same for me. But that wasn't possible. There was no magic touch or word or smile that could do that.

"I just. I didn't want to upset you and I was humiliated, and it feels like the less people who know… the less people who look at me like that-" I pointed at his face, his creased brow, his turned down lips, his tears trailing from the corners of his eyes, rounding his nose, wetting his mustache "-the easier it will be to forget it. Pretend it didn't happen. If I know people are thinking about it around me, it just makes me think about it and I hate that."

Edward tightened his hold at my waist, pulled me closer, kissed my temple. The look on my dad's face softened.

"It's selfish, I know it is. But it's how I cope, so please, don't tell Jake or anyone else."

He nodded, wiping his tears. He leaned forward, held his hand out for mine. I reached toward him and his fingers clung to mine.

"My little girl," he said, shaking his head over and over again, giving me a squeeze. "My girl. I love you, Bells."

"I love you too, Dad." I squeezed his fingers back. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

I caught him glance at Edward. What was going through his mind just then? Was he thinking of how Edward, my boyfriend, a stranger to him, had known all along what he, my own father, hadn't a clue of?

"No," my dad said. "It isn't selfish."

"Your turn," I said when he released my hand. "Tell me again why it was such a good idea to bring Jake here."

He sighed and rubbed his hands along his jeans. He seemed uncomfortable in his seat, but where else was he going to go? "He wanted to get away from Forks and Leah and her new beau, and well, I didn't know… I didn't know you had… Edward." His eyes shifted toward Edward again. I couldn't help but dislike the way he kept looking at Edward, as though he was an intruder or an enemy. "Jake asks about you all the time, and you were inseparable for years. He cares about you like family and I thought... I don't know what I thought. Just that he, his uh, his humor, his spirit, might do you some good."

I nodded. "But Dad. Why is it that you found out about me now? Why didn't you find out months ago?"

"Because you didn't tell me, Bella. I knew what James Garrett was wanted for, but I didn't know who the…" he reached up and scratched his forehead, his eyes squeezing to a tight close "...victim was." Eyes open again, he dropped his hand to his lap. "I didn't even know you were acquainted with him. Not until I saw the report."

"But why now when it happened back in June?"

"Did you call the police when his father came to see you?"

I nodded.

"That's why. Every year, Seattle hosts a "Breakfast with the Chief" event. Chief Diaz is an old friend of mine. I made a trip down there last Thursday to put one over on him. Pretend I was a fan. They were expecting Reid Garrett in for questioning again - for the third time, Bella." He gave me a pointed look that I couldn't quite read the meaning of. "They'd already talked to him twice before your call in about him. The file on James was right there on the desk, his picture, your name. I left without saying anything to anyone, and spent the weekend getting caught up on the case. Bells…" He leaned toward me. "Because Reid came to visit you, because you called it in, they may have leads on James and his whereabouts. His father has a lot of property all over the US, but that's not all. He has some in Canada as well."

I was stone still, and squeezing Edward's leg. He took my hand. "You think he's in Canada?" I asked.

"It's a real possibility. But his father coming all the way here to see you? Whether or not he admits it, we know - the police know - he's definitely withholding information."

Silence permeated. It rang through my ears. Nobody said anything else, only communicating through looks, stares.

Jacob broke through it, an intrusion.

"I'm back. You can all stop talking about me now." He took his seat on the sofa and drank from his beer. The same Jacob I'd always known - assuming he was the subject of our tense conversation, making a joke of it, not letting it bother him, or at least not letting us know if it had. All three of us watched him, still silent. He looked at each of us, his eyes finally settling on me.

"What?" he asked.

"Who did you call?" It was all I could think to say.

He let out an exasperated laugh through his nose. "Leah. She's moving her stuff out, and I know she's going to take my-" he groaned. "You don't want to hear about this. Hell, I don't even want to hear myself talking about it. As soon as she's gone and I don't have to deal with her anymore, the better. Let her new asshole deal with her."

I flinched, remembering those were pretty close to my thoughts after he'd dumped me for Leah. Still, Jacob had managed to keep himself in my life, even if at a distance. Taking time out for my dad and me during the holidays over the past years, coming to my college graduation. And here I'd been treating him like a disease since he'd stood at our door.

"I'm sorry, Bells. I thought you'd want to see me."

I cleared my throat and let myself blink, a relief to my drying eyes. "I do want to see you. You just… you took me by surprise. And Edward's right. I don't really like to be touched anymore." I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. "It's so crowded in New York and people are always touching. It really gets on my nerves. I hate it. It's like fingernails down a chalkboard." I shivered.

"Yeah, well, he never stops touching you, does he?" He aimed his beer at Edward, whose fingers were tracing up and down my arm.

I turned to Edward. "He better not." Edward offered what he could of a smile, keeping his fingers moving on my arm. Jacob groaned. My dad coughed. Edward didn't stop.

~::::::~

We kept the sleeping arrangement that Jacob had suggested.

Before bed, I showed my dad to the art room. He took some time looking around at the paintings, raising his eyebrows at a few. I knew he wasn't an abstract kind of man. He liked accurate detail, questions answered. There were things about Edward he might never understand.

"I love his art," I said. "And him." I looked right into my dad's eyes when I said it. "You know, he's showing his paintings in two weeks. Down here at a small gallery in the Village. It's a big thing for him."

"What about you?"

"I'm writing. A lot, actually. I thought I might have lost all ability to write, right after…" I looked away at the wall. "But I have this awesome therapist and Edward and my classes. I'm doing all right," I said, and meant it.

"How am I going to leave you here in this city on Sunday?"

I stared at him, unsure how to answer that. He didn't have a choice. New York was my home now.

"I'll pay for your tickets anytime you want to come and see me. Please visit more often, Bella." There were tears in his eyes again. I had to avert my gaze.

"I will."

"I don't understand why you want to live here. So far away. There are plenty of good schools closer, with great writing programs. Better than NYU."

"Dad? New York isn't to blame. James is."

He turned his back on me; his shoulders shook. I stared at them until the quivering calmed, wondering if I should touch him, offer him a hug, or if that would make it all worse.

"I should have done something," he said. "Educated you better, or met James before you took off across the country with him. Performed a background check. I'm doing one on Edward. Don't think I won't."

"Edward won't hurt me. Give him a chance. He's been through a lot, too. James was his best friend. Edward was nearly as traumatized as I was. And he's also in counseling now. Besides, I'm sure you've done a background check on James. Did it reveal anything that would have helped you predict what he did? Even as an educated officer of the law? I was close to him for four years and didn't have a clue."

"Do you need anything?" He faced me again, red-eyed. "How are you doing with money? Is your insurance covering therapy?"

His need to do something for me was touching and made me smile. "For now. Not much longer, though. Soon I'll have to limit myself to once a week appointments, and in two more months, it runs out."

"I'll pay for it as soon as insurance won't cover it anymore. And you'll go five days a week if you have to."

We both knew he couldn't afford that. "Thanks, Dad."

~::::::~

I was relieved that I would be sleeping in Edward's warm arms. On my way over to him at the foot of the bed, I slipped my night shirt on.

"They might find him," I said. "What if they find him?" Through all the hoping and praying and dreaming that James would be caught, I never paused to think about what that entailed, everything it would mean.

"Then he'll be brought to justice."

The only way that could happen, I thought, was through trial. Facing him. A shiver ran through me - ice.

"I don't want to talk about it. Can we not?" It did occur to me that I was the one who'd brought it up. Maybe I'd meant those words more for me than for Edward.

"I have a change of subject in mind," Edward said. "Why does Jacob call you Bells? I don't like it."

"You don't like the name, or that Jacob calls me that?"

"The second part."

"Are you jealous, Mr. Edward?" He was only in sweat pants, no shirt. I tugged on the waist of his pants. He took a couple of steps forward.

"No, Miss Bella. Just irritated by that guy. What did you ever see in him?" His arms enclosed around me.

I shrugged. "He was different before Leah. Or maybe he wasn't. I don't know. I certainly didn't have you to compare him to back then, did I?" I kissed his chest, rubbed my lips against his skin, and looked up at him again. "Don't worry about 'Bells.' It doesn't mean anything. My dad calls me Bells, too. It's not a pet name or anything. Jake's pet name for me was-" Edward's finger covered my lips.

"I don't ever want to know that, if I can help it."

"Aw, you are jealous. That is so cute."

"Cute?" He half-smiled.

"Yes, cute."

"How cute?" He brought one hand to the small of my back as his other hand wandered up my thigh under my shirt, landing at the base of my cotton-pantied bottom.

"The cutest." I reached around his neck, fingers in his hair, and pulled him toward me for a kiss.

Edward was the one to break the kiss, Jacob still on his mind. "He thinks of you as family? Do you think of him that way?"

His jealousy was becoming less cute, and more real. "Um, I don't know. He's been a constant in my life, more than my mom, or my friends, but not as much as my dad, so I'm not sure. Is that family?"

He shrugged and brought a finger just under my jaw, watching as he traced a soft line down my throat. A faint smile rose to his closed lips. "I think of you as family." His eyes met mine for just an instant, and then he turned his head away… self-consciously?

"We are family," I said, bringing his face back to mine.

Edward lifted me off the ground and hugged me tight. "Bella," he said into my hair.

"What?"

"We're not supposed to talk about it, but they might find him, Bella. They might have him. Soon."

A/N: As always, reviews are appreciated!

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