Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
AN: Thanks again to TwiDi, for cleaning up this mess. Her story You Don't Know Anything is awesome and it is up for a Silent Tear award.
SURPRISE! I said blow me away and I'd have it by Friday and it's Thursday ;0) can you tell you blew me away? This chapter isn't fluffy and light either, so this is your warning it deals with some deep issues. This whole story is planned out, I've known from day one what happened to all of them, I'm sorry if any of you are disappointed by what happened to Rose, this is how I always saw it happening.
I would love to send some love to my Twi-thread girls, I love you all, you are great support and keep me laughing. Love to my Twitter girls, you all rock and help talk me down when a bad review makes my hormonal ass want to toss my stories out the window and give up writing, thank you all. To Rachelle_MyBell thank you so much for all your support and for the kick ass blog design, love ya bb. And RingTheBella thanks for pimping me out on the find a fic thread over at Twilighted!
More note at the bottom.
BPOV
My headache was finally easing off, and Noel was curled up with me watching TV in my bedroom. Charlie had brought me breakfast in bed. It was sweet and slightly burnt. It meant the world to me that he did it though. I was glad he left the room and didn't watch me eat. The sausage was so chewy even Noel wouldn't eat it. That was hours ago; and my grumbling tummy was telling me it was time to eat again. If I could just talk myself out of bed.
I blame yesterday for today's lethargy. While yesterday had started off so great, it had ended up with me in the hospital. I've had a panic attack before. I know this because one time I had one so bad at school that they'd sent me to the hospital because they thought I was having a heart attack. I had never blacked out before though. Knowing that it is a possibility and that it had happened is scary.
I held back from telling everyone about the vivid memory of Renee and I that day when I was barely ten years old. I wish I could forget all about her. I wish the nightmares would stop. I wish I could just forget that life with Renee had ever existed.
As if sensing my internal sadness, Noel licks my face before bounding over to pick up her stuffed bear, bringing it over for me to play with her. I run it over the bed and she chases it giving little playful growls. A soft knock on my door interrupts our play and Noel gives a small ruff. I love her little bark.
"Hey, sleepy head, are you awake yet?" I hear Edward tease through the door.
"Yes." I reply, a huge smile overtaking my face. Glad for my sweat pants and t-shirt, I walk over and open the door. Edward pulls me in for a warm hug and I melt into him.
"So, I've come to kidnap you." He tells me, then kisses my forehead. "Do you want to change first or stay in your sweats? I mean, you look fine to me and we aren't going anywhere dressy."
"I'm fine." I tell him honestly.
"Well, let's roll." He jokes grabbing my hand. Noel looks sad, but maybe next time - if there is a next time - we'll take her with us.
I wave a small 'goodbye' to Emmett as we leave. He and Edward have some kind of weird facial exchange. I've come to realize boys are just weird. They could be saying anything from, 'Where are you going?' to 'Bring back beef patties,' with just one look.
~0~
We ended up at the Cullen family home. Edward explaining to me that Alice was spending the day with Jasper. His Mom and Dad had gone up to Port Angeles for a date day. So, we were going to be alone. He suggested we grab some snacks then head down to the game room to hang out. Edward made these little tiny pizza rolls and mozzarella sticks, while I watched. He joked that he was finally showing me his mad cooking skills. I couldn't help but laugh at how silly he was acting. He put this fake Julia Child (we watched the movie Julie and Julia not too long ago) accent on and was using it for every step he took. He started with, "first we open de bag, den we pour it onto the cookie sheet."
After the food was done, we went downstairs and Edward turned the TV on. Some channel was having a marathon of Edward's favorite show, House. It was ok. The doctor was a little mean, reminding me of some doctors I've met before; uncaring and just cold. But it was fascinating how many diseases are out there. Edward pulled me close, wrapping an arm around me, my head leaning against his shoulder and we stayed cuddling and I loved it!
"Bella, do you want to talk about what happened yesterday? No pressure, baby, just know I'm here if you need me. I won't judge and I won't tell anyone else what you say." He promises, his hand running up and down my arm, soothing me.
"I'm not sure…" I hesitate.
"Baby, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. Just sometimes it helps to tell someone. My Mom always says 'a trouble told is a trouble halved'; which makes the burden on you less and a solution quicker to find, since two minds work better than one."
"I don't want to burden you." I tell him.
"Listen, Bella," He turns us where we are facing each other, his hand on my cheek now, "you are not a burden, nor would you burden me if you shared this with me. You are my special girl, whom I adore and you have made my life better just by letting me know you. You've lived in hell for so many years and still are able to be sweet and loving. I don't know anyone else with more reason to be bitchy and hateful. Yet, your compassionate and sweet nature is genuine and honest. Isabella Swan, I want to share your problems, your fears and your happy times. I want you to share mine as well. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't want both the good and the bad with you?"
"Boyfriend?" I repeat, but it comes out as a question.
"Will you let me be your boyfriend? Will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?" I nod excitedly. He wants to be my boyfriend, he said he adores me.
"Yes." I adore him too. Should I tell him? He wants to share the good and the bad. "I umm… adore you too." I almost whisper. He leans forward and kisses my lips gently.
"Do you want to talk about it, baby?" I hesitate then nod. I'm not sure if this is the best idea, but if Edward wants my 'bad', he might as well know exactly what he is asking for.
"I was enjoying my day with your Mom and sister. When we headed to the car to go home, I heard a woman and a little girl fighting. Then suddenly, I was trapped in my past." I hesitate one more time. Then I go on and tell him the details of my flashback. His face pinches up and I stop. But he tells me to continue. When I finish, he asks me how old was I when it happened; and I tell him. He looks so sad and suddenly he crushes me to him holding me tight.
"I will never let her near you again, baby. You are safe now." He promises.
"She haunts me in my sleep." I don't know why I whisper that, but I do.
"When Alice and I were children, my Mom took us on a trip to Chicago. She had a well-known talk-show host as a client there; and she figured Alice and I would enjoy seeing someplace new. We went to the Lincoln Park Zoo. And there I got separated from Mom and Alice by accident. I saw a man trying to take a little girl, I was only eight, but I knew it was wrong. She was struggling, so I ran over to help her, screaming at him 'no'. He turned to glare at me and said 'Two for one' and tried to take me too. The girl and I kept struggling and he pulled a gun out.
"An off duty police officer saw what was happening and came over to help us. He fought the guy and the gun went off. The cop had been able to turn it towards the abductor, so he shot him and killed him. For months afterwards I had nightmares that the man was able to get away with it. I would jump whenever a loud noise went off, reacting to the gun shot. The last straw was when my parents discovered me sleeping on the floor of Alice's bedroom, my baseball bat beside me. They found out that I had been keeping guard over her at night to make sure no one tried to take her, like the man had the little girl."
"Oh, Edward." I whisper running my hand through his hair. He had always been a protector, I could see it in him now, as I had the first day I met him. No wonder I always felt safe with him. He pulls my hand out of his hair and kisses each of my fingers before going on with his story.
"Mom and Dad started taking me to a therapist. We talked things out and she gave me techniques that helped me greatly. Going to her really helped me out. Within a few months, my nightmares started going away and could sleep in my own bed. When I went to my last session, about a year and a half after I started therapy, Jane looked at me and said, 'Doesn't it feel good to win? To no longer be that man's victim?', and it was true, it felt damned good." I smile.
"I'm glad you beat him, Edward."
"I am too, Bella." He looks me deep in the eyes. "I think therapy might help you beat Renee, to stop her from haunting you."
"Edward, I can't afford therapy. And I don't think it would work. I mean, I know who I am. Renee told me many times that there was no help for me."
"You can afford therapy. Charlie has you on his health insurance, it will pay. And I think if you give it a chance, it will work. And Renee is wrong and a lying bitch who has a special place in hell waiting for her. Will you give it a chance? Go to a couple sessions and see if it will help you like it helped me and so many others?" His green eyes were dazzling intense.
"Do you really think it will help me, Edward?" I was so tired of the nightmares, so tired of having to worry.
"I do, Bella."
"Will you…" I hesitate biting my lower lip. "Umm… will you go with me?"
"Anything, baby, anything you need. I will drive you there then drive you home. I'll wait outside the room and if you need me I'll rush in." He promises pulling me close one more time. This time I hug him as tight as I can.
"I'll try it, Edward. If it's not going to cost Charlie anything."
"That's all I ask, is that you try."
~0~
"Charlie?" I say his name hesitantly coming into the living room. He's watching football, yelling at the guy on the TV to 'protect the damn quarterback'.
"Hey, sweetheart, how are you?" He looks up, his anger at the TV forgotten, a warm smile on his still handsome face.
"Umm… I was talking to Edward this afternoon and umm…" I can't help but hesitate, giving in once again to my habit of biting my lower lip when nervous. Will he be upset that I'm asking? Does the insurance really cover this?
"What is it, baby girl?" He looks worried and I don't want him to worry. I like happy Charlie.
"Well, umm… Edward told me about some things from his past and…" I don't know if he knows and I don't want to betray Edward by telling him. "I was wondering if umm… do I really have health insurance?" I can't stop the spew of stupid coming out of my mouth. I mentally smack my forehead. That wasn't what I meant to say at all.
"Yes, you and Emmett both are covered within my policy at work." He looks confused as to why I would be asking this.
"Does it really cover therapy?" It comes out in a rush, but I think he understood, because he is nodding already.
"Yes, it does." He looks at me thoughtfully. "Is therapy something you would be willing to go to?" I nod hesitantly.
"Would you like me to set up an appointment for you?"
"I want to try."
"I'll call Carlisle and see if he recommends someone and then we'll get you set up for a soon as possible."
"Thank you."
"Bella, I'll do anything to make you healthy and happy. You don't have to thank me for that. You're my little girl and I love you." A tear builds in the corner of my eye and I walk forward and hug him. He squeezes me gently and I hear him sigh happily.
"Thank you for letting me live here and for caring for me. I'm sorry I'm not better, but I want to try, Charlie, I really do."
"I wouldn't want you anywhere else other than here. And I can't help but care, you're my daughter. And you are a great one at that. Don't worry about anything else we'll get there, baby girl. We'll get to a day when you know you don't have to thank me for caring because you'll know you deserve it." He promises, squeezing me one more time before I let go. "Now, how about I take my favorite, beautiful daughter out to dinner?" I nod and giggle.
"Ok."
"Let's roll. I have a hankering for some of the diner's high cholesterol on a plate meatloaf." I smile and happily follow him to my car. "Want to drive?" I nod and get in. I'm still not great at it, seeing as I've only been driving two weeks, but Charlie is always patient with me. Even when I only go ten miles per hour. "Check your mirrors." He reminds me, buckling up.
"Ok." I say and pull out of the driveway. For some reason, I feel lighter than I can ever remember feeling. Charlie turns on the radio and begins singing along. Something about having friends in low places. I have to admit the singer has a nice voice.
~0~
Half way through dinner, Charlie's cell phone goes off. Unfortunately, he was being called into work, so he drove us home and dropped me off. Charlie had mainly been watching the football game on the big screen at the diner, along with almost everyone else there, yet, it had still been enjoyable. He made me laugh and kept trying to explain football to me, hopeful that I might like it one day. I will admit it is better than baseball.
Going into the kitchen, I put mine and Charlie's leftovers away as well as the piece of gooey chocolate cake Charlie insisted I had to have for later. I call Noel and she runs her cute fur ball self in and I pick her up. I pull her food out and heat it up. She eats noisily for something so small. After she eats, I take her outside to do her business. I'm startled by a sound while I'm waiting for her. Turning to find out about it, I see Emmett is leaning up against the fence moaning. He's hunched over and it looks like he has been ill.
"Emmett?" I call softly. He turns and looks at me, his face crushed. I walk to his side and can smell the stench of alcohol. Fear courses through me, memories of how evil Renee was while drinking.
"I'm so confused, Bells." He groans out reaching out for me. I help him up as best I could, considering he is a bear of a guy. I get him moving towards the door with Noel rushing ahead of us. I was luckily able to get him to the sofa, where he flops down moaning about life sucking. I go to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water for him.
"You should drink this." I offer it to him timidly.
"Thanks." He takes it with a nod. "Bells, why does life have to fucking suck so bad sometimes?" He leans his head back, looking so sad. Without really thinking I curl in beside him, trying to comfort him.
"I don't know, Emmett, I really don't know," was all I can say, or think of, for that matter.
Emmett's POV
"I want to tell you what happened. I want to tell you everything."
Everything.
Finally.
I am ready for this? How could I not be? When I've waited for so long to hear what she is finally offering. I'm about to find out what happened to Rose. Why she had turned into such a cruel bitch. But, am I ready?
"We should probably sit for this." I say both out of concern for her now pale face and my nerves. She walks over to the sofa and sits quietly and when she looks at me, I give a small nod. A signal to go ahead when she is ready.
"First, before I begin, I just want to apologize for allowing my pain to manifest into cruelty towards others. And, I want to also apologize not telling you about this before, since it concerns you as much as it does me. My therapist says that while some people internalize their pain, I externalized mine by taking it out on others. We are working on that though." She sighs then continues. "I know that telling you this doesn't mean that you and I will be magically back together, Em, I promise I'm not going to try and force your hand, nor am I doing this to guilt you back into it."
"Thank you for that." God this is stressful.
"Do you remember when my parents sent me to stay with my Grandparents for a month so they could go on that couples' retreat?" I nod.
The Hales had been fighting like cats and dogs and they went on the trip to try and save their marriage. It had been hell being away from Rose though. "Remember how I called you all the time the first week, but the second week I always was busy?" I nod again.
"How could I forget, I thought you were avoiding me, or trying to break up with me." I say with a little sarcasm.
"I was avoiding you, Em." She says sadly. "I couldn't talk to you then. I was hurting so bad and I didn't want you hurting as well. That pain, God that pain wouldn't stop." She looks into my eyes. "Remember the scar that I told you I received from falling?" My mouth wouldn't work. Millions of scenarios were running though my head. She had to have stitches from the fall she told me about. What really had caused it?
"What happened, Rose?" I demand softly.
"I woke up in pain, I hadn't felt right the day before, but this pain was more intense than anything I'd ever felt. I was running a fever and soon vomiting. Grandmother called an ambulance and I was soon rushed to the hospital. I don't remember much, just lights and people talking around me. The EMTs had given me something for the pain and also something to calm me down, since I was thrashing around in the ambulance.
"As I said I don't remember much. I remember my Grandmother crying and the doctor saying he was sorry. Then the assurance that I would be fine. That they caught it all in time and I wouldn't die. Everything else is a jumbled mess. When I woke up in my hospital room, my Grandfather was reading the Bible out loud and my Grandmother was crying still. I begged them to tell me what happened, why I was there. Grandfather couldn't stop reading, it was like his lifeline or something in that moment. And Grandmother's tears refused to let her talk."
"Rosie…" She cut me off with a finger though.
"Please, Em, just let me say what I need to, or I might never get it out." She takes a deep breath and then continues. "Mom and Dad were called. They left the retreat and rushed to my side. When they came into the room, my Mother burst into tears and my Father looked like a zombie, one of the walking dead. I asked them if they knew what was wrong, what had happened and they sent for the doctor unable to tell me themselves.
"The doctor informed me that I had suffered acute appendicitis and that it nearly burst, which would have in all likelihood killed me. He told me kindly that I would recover from the surgery. I couldn't understand why this would cause so much drama. People have appendectomies every day. It's almost as common as a tonsillectomy. The doctor then went on, breaking into my thoughts about grief counseling and other options. I had to back track him and ask him what he was talking about. I didn't need grief counseling for an appendix.
"I almost felt bad for the guy. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He told me that I had lost the baby and I said 'what baby?' he then informed me that I had been around two and a half months pregnant. That they tried to use the scope, but the severity required that they cut me open. Losing the baby caused a lot of bleeding and they had to do something to stop it. The doctor informed me there was a good possibility that I will never be able to conceive again and an even greater possibility that I will never carry a child to term."
She begins to sob and I don't even think about it. I pull her into my arms. I try using those cooing noises that Bella uses on her puppy when it's upset. Just 'shhs' and 'it's ok's. But it wasn't ok, Rosalie had always wanted children. She loves babies; we had planned on having at least four.
Wait.
If she was pregnant, then it was my baby that she had lost. My child who never got to see the world. I feel lightheaded and nauseas. My heart feels like someone has a hold on it, squeezing tightly. I feel like a little piece of my heart has broken off, always to belong to the child that I will never know.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I manage to ask her softly, trying to hold back accusations and my hurt.
"I didn't want you to bear the burden. I didn't want you to have to morn our child, Emmett. It hurt me so badly and I never wanted you to hurt like that. So I kept it to myself. Only I lashed out at the world." She shakes her head and sobs some more.
I feel like I can't breathe, like the room is closing in on me. I just want to run, be free and think. I want to go, but I can't leave her here alone like this. And she sure as hell isn't up to driving. I'm torn in so many different directions that I can't even think straight. And I know she wants me to tell her that it's ok. But it's not. She hid something as important as my child dying from me. Yes, to protect me or some shit. But still she kept it from me. Lied for months about her scar.
My mind is fighting itself. Part of me wants to sit here and hold her, tell her it will be ok. Protect her from falling apart. And another part wants me to yell, tell her that it hurts and that I can't sit here with her any longer. The most predominant side, wants to run. To just go. I always think best while running and I'm craving it.
"I'm so sorry, Emmett, I know I was wrong now. I know now that I should have shared this with you." She whispers.
"Rosalie, I…" The door opens and my Dad comes in effectively stopping me mid-sentence.
"Is everything ok, kids?" His brow is furrowed taking in Rose's tears and my pinched look.
"Just talking, Dad." I answer him as calmly as I can.
"Uh huh." He grunts a little. "Should I get your sister and take her to the diner for dinner so the two of you can finish your chat?" He asks nicely.
"Bella is with Edward. I don't know where they are or when they'll be back. But she's with Edward, so we know she is safe." I promise and kind of kick myself for not asking when and where. "Plus, I think Rosie and I are done talking for now. I'm going to drive her home." I know she isn't up for driving, hell I'm probably not either.
"Ok, drive safely." Dad gives me a pointed look and I raise my eyebrow letting him know we'll discuss it later.
~0~
The ride to the Hales is quiet. Rose and I both lost in our own thought, neither knowing what to say to the other one now. I want to be able to tell her I forgive her and that I understand. But I don't do anything for now. I need time. I need to think.
"Em…" She goes to say something but stops.
"Rose, for now I think we've said enough. I do have one thing to say though before I go. If you had told me, I would have held you, told you I love you and nothing would have changed. Whether you can have a million babies biologically or whether we had to adopt, it wouldn't have changed how I felt. We could have mourned the loss of our child together and come out of the pain with one another. Instead, you took all of it upon yourself. You chose to isolate me from the truth and lashed me out because of your hurt. And probably you held some resentment because I wasn't mourning with you. Face it Rose, it was our child and somewhere in your subconscious, you were pissed that only one of us knew and was able to cry over it.
"I need time to think, time to mourn and heal. If you respect me and care for me at all, you will give me this time. I can't promise I'll ever forgive you, understand or try to make up with you, but I will tell you how I feel. After I've had time to calm down and think. You've had over a year. Just give me some space, Rosie."
"Ok, I'll give you space. When or if you are ever ready, my therapist would like to do a group session with us. Part of my healing process, but I'll understand if you can't…" And she trails off again.
"Time, Rose. I need time." With that said, I pulled away, I needed to think. I need time.
AN2: I've started chapter 22 already, reviews are wonderful inspiration to type and get it out quicker.
It was brought up that Bella seemed to have a panic attack out of the blue, first panic can manifest itself at anytime. Second this wasn't her first attack in the story, it was just never discussed. Chapter 4 is a good example, Emmett is talking to Rose here: "I went up for her the second time and found her in the closet in her room promising to be a good girl. She was rocking back and forth with tears in her eyes." But do we know if it is a panic attacks or something else? We'll find out in therapy.
I'd also like to say I will never hold a chapter until a certain amount of reviews are in. The outtakes are just extras, thank yous. I will discuss all of those issues in the story, it will just be more in depth in the outtakes. Don't feel like I am forcing you to review to get a regular chapter of the story. While I love every review and it does honestly encourage and inspire me to write, I'm not going hmm if I don't get 40 reviews they will never see the chapter *insert evil laugh here*
Fic Recs (just add fanfiction*dot*net to them):
For Funny try Work in Progress /s/4874316/1/ *I've been with this fic since she posted chapter 3 and it's my unhealthy obsession fic. I've read it 4 times.
For a good Romance, with a little drama, and lots of hot Edward try Sway /s/5362427/1/ (July 22nd I will be hosting the read along for this on Twitter for those of you who don't know about the read along I'm going to put more info on my blog)
I can't say enough good things about this fic: Strings/s/5683107/1/
Romance/Angst/Need a Tissue (promises a hea): Empty Panes and Pretty Things /s/5591160/1/