Now
BOPV
"Sinead O'Connor? I mean really?" I didn't even have to open my eyes to visualize my sister leaning disapprovingly against my bedroom doorframe.
"Go away," Rosalie and I rang out in unison.
After zombie-ing through the rest of the week, I was thankful it was Friday and I didn't want Alice intruding on our collective gloom.
We hadn't left my bed since I dropped Ness off at a friends house where she was attending a sleep over birthday party earlier that afternoon. I skipped out on work early to really enjoy this wallowing and I didn't want my pregnant, shinny sister ruining it.
I came straight home, put on my most depressing playlist, grabbed Rosalie, hunkered down under the covers with a plethora of junk food, and here we were, hours later.
"Aw, come on guys, excluding people is really not nice," she whined. Again, I didn't even feel the need to open my eyes to see her pouting.
"Did you just lose the man you have been in love with for the majority of your life?" Rose snapped. I felt her sit up abruptly next to me.
"Well, no," Alice said.
"THEN GET THE FUCK OUT."
Sinead changed into the Smiths and Alice sighed heavily before joining us, throwing her elbows until I ended up nestled in between my two best friends.
"What a mess," declared my sister after we silently listened to the music for a bit as it changed into No Doubt's classic break up song, Don't Speak.
Rose and I sniffled and nodded in agreement.
In the hours we spent in bed, Rose had finally shared some of those dirty details. Emmett, it seemed, had laid down the law, giving Rosalie an ultimatum. Either she married him or he was out.
So Rose, being Rose, broke up with him on the spot because of the principal of the thing. Apparently Rose never wanted to get married, didn't believe in the whole institution of marriage, thought marriage was completely fucking stupid.
I just didn't get how she could hate marriage more then she loved Emmett.
Now normally I would be firmly on team Emmett in such a scenario. Rosalie was obscenely stubborn and selfish, but she was so obviously heartbroken (a state I could sympathize with) that I couldn't bring myself to do anything other then simply share her pain.
We were a bit like comrades in arms.
I was just relieved to be sharing the burden. I wasn't the only one feeling this… vacant, sick, despondent. Rosalie's pain distracted me from my own. Sort of.
Even after all these years, I was still hurting him. They way his face collapsed when he realized that I altered our futures in such a devastating way just about killed me on the spot.
The music changed again to 'Goodbye to You' by the wonder women herself, Michelle Branch. I started crying again, both because Michelle was so wise and I didn't want this to be a final parting.
"He just left Alice," I whimpered, still not opening my eyes. "I told him. He turned and he just walked off."
"He didn't say anything at all?" Alice clarified.
"Nope. He just left. He turned and walked off." I had been repeating this statement all afternoon just as Rosalie had kept saying 'he gave me an ultimatum. And now he is gone.'
"Emmett gave me an ultimatum. And now he is gone," Rosalie interjected.
"And here you two are," commented Alice, not sounding nearly as sensitive as I thought she should be. "Wallowing and being pathetic and generally just accepting your misery."
Nope, not sensitive at all.
"What exactly would you have us do?" snarled Rosalie.
"Tell me something Rose," Alice said back with equal venom. "Do you want to break up with Emmett? Are you even capable of living without him?"
"I don't really have a choice," Rose said quietly, rolling onto her side, giving Alice and I the back.
It was pretty apparent that there was something going on here above Rose's new vocalized distain for marriage, but as Alice kept pestering the unmoving blond in my bed, it became clear that Rose wasn't talking. Alice turned her attentions to me instead.
I gulped as I took in the intense glare on my big sisters pretty little face.
"And you, are you ever once in your life going to fight for what you want? What you deserve? Are you really just going lose him, again, without trying every possible thing you can think of to fix it?"
I soaked up her words like photosynthesis, gaining energy and determination from her very valid points. I was losing him again. And I had to do everything in my power to change that.
"Why are you always so willing to fight for everyone else's happiness?" she whispered. "Please, just this once, got after what you really want."
So I absorbed my sisters advice, and began to plot.
EPOV
"Do you think I should have invited your mother?"
Bella had not been absent from my mind for more then a millisecond for the last two days. Since she dropped her big bomb. And I had always devoted a lot of mental time to my beloved, but it was getting a bit ridiculous. Even for me.
I was perpetually on the brink of calling her, but I always chickened the fuck out at the last moment. I was just so conflicted and torn up, I didn't know how to handle it.
"I invited her already. She just kissed my forehead and told me to behave myself," my daughter grumbled.
We were standing side by side (well Ness was standing, I was pacing), amongst the organized chaos that is the backstage of the Ford Amphitheater during a sound check. I hated being here so goddamn early, but at least I was with my daughter.
I was well known for being very picky about venues and I liked this one. It was outside for one, which was my favorite place to play. It was also indescribably intimate, despite it's huge size.
And baby, it would be packed tonight.
I could never stand still before a show. I was always so jittery. That rush of adrenaline made performing live my favorite aspect of this life. I was only ever truly at home on stage. No matter how nervous I got before every show, once I was up there I was unstoppable.
Not to be cocky or anything, but I pretty much fucking rock.
But I really wasn't in the fucking mood to fucking rock. My whole world had been recently flipped on its axis, the magnetic poles had switched, and earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis and shit were causing all sorts of new landscapes to be formed. I was still reeling from the change of how I had always looked at everything.
And the worst part was, it was completely and totally my fault. 100% a result of my own fucked up insecurities combined with some truly dick-like tendencies.
Bella may have lied bigger, but I certainly lied longer.
It was my own doing. I was the one that sought to convince her of the importance of my career. One ill advised self declaration to keep Bella out of the upsetting part of my life had worked so well, I had her believing that the band trumped her.
Which was total fucking bullshit.
But how would a scared teen mother know that?
It was me who convinced her that the band was so important, that anything, no matter how sacred, could be sacrificed. '
I was the one who was never home and constantly drunk and a complete fuck up with both her and Nessie. I treated them like they didn't matter and that is what Bella unsurprisingly believed.
So on one hand, I didn't blame Bella at all.
Yet the other. Oh the other. I was so fucking mad at her.
She had me thinking, for years and fucking years, that she didn't love me. She tainted my view of everything we had together, had me questioning the sincerity of every interaction I ever had with her.
Not only that, but I would have done so much different if I had known that she was such a goddamn liar.
I would have started operation hail mary the fucking goddamn second I got clean. I would have been there every time she turned around until we finally figured it out. I would have punched Jacob Black the fuck out when I heard that they were officially dating at Alice's wedding.
There would have never been anything close to Black and Bella as a couple.
And, because self flagellation is my thing, I started picturing the two of them together.
Goddamn I wanted a drink.
We lost so much time.
But as pissed off and depressed and confused as I was, nothing diminished my conviction that Bella and I would be together someday. I would forgive her. I would tell her all I kept from her for years and pray that she could forgive too. I knew beyond any measure of doubt that I would love her.
For forever.
There was one more fucking day before we flew to New York for more album promoting before the tour officially started. I had all sorts of press and meetings to deal with tomorrow and then we would be on a red eye tomorrow night.
I didn't know when I would see her again.
"She loves live music, your mother," I muttered as I watched the openers run through their set without really paying much attention. They were decent and I knew I would be seeing a whole lot of them in the coming months, but for now I couldn't be bothered.
"She really loves not live music too. Sometimes I don't even get all of my homework done because she makes me dance with her!" exclaimed Nessie, looking scandalized.
"I wish she was here," I confessed, putting an arm around her narrow shoulders.
"Because you love her and are trying to win her back."
"Oh Vanessa, if only it was that simple," I sighed.
"It is that simple! Just like the movies. Aladdin and Jasmine, Arielle and Eric. Oh my god, BELL and that big furry thing."
I laughed.
"Oh so I am the big furry thing in this scenario then?" I said with mock indignation.
"Don't be silly Daddy," she said, all charm now that she realized she offended me. "The beast gets handsome at the end, just like you."
She tugged me down to kiss my cheek and then started dancing to the opener who really should be wrapping up any minute.
The band onstage launched into a slew of profanities and I reached out to cover Nessie's ears. Personally, I didn't think Nessie was quite ready for the sights, sounds, or smells of a concert, but I really loved having her here sharing this very important part of me. Plus she had been begging me to let her come since she was about 4. I finally gave in a couple years ago after going on a rampage that ensured that backstage wouldn't be a totally unhealthy environment.
"Dad!" she huffed as I allowed her to move my hands. "I am ten years old, not a baby. Plus I have heard you say all those words so many times. Your favorite is godd—"
I covered her mouth this time and winced. One of the hardest parts of being a Dad was watching my mouth. And in fairness to myself I had really cut back. I mean, goddamn wasn't every other word out of my mouth now. Every third maybe, but still. It was a vast improvement that was, like so much else, totally Bella's doing.
"Hey watch it Ness, you know the drill. If I ever hear anything like that gracing your lips you will not be attending these shows anymore. And I will lock you in your closet for 2 weeks of bread and water," I said, tweaking her nose as I removed my hand from her mouth.
She just rolled her eyes at my typical theatrics.
"But it is not fair. You get to say whatever you want," she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Life isn't fair darling," I continued, thinking about her mother. A-fucking-gain. "Plus I am a grown up. And a rockstar. Cuss words are just part of the persona."
"I want to be a rockstar!" she yelled as she pranced away from me to do some pretty rocking air guitar.
"No you don't," I said, laughing.
"Why not?"
"Because you hate to be away from the people who love you."
"Oh. Right. I forgot about that part. So do you really have to leave tomorrow?" she said, giving me those big, pleading eyes that usually succeeded in getting her whatever she wanted.
"Yeah, I really do."
Eventually, Nessie and I found our way the dressing room where I left her to play gin with Seth and Leah who kept staring at me tonight. Under the pretense of going to the bathroom, I slunk out the back to steal a quick smoke.
And yes, I had quit. Mostly. But I just needed to calm down a bit. Though I was always twitchy pre-show, something was different tonight. There was more to my anticipation then performing but I couldn't place what.
As usual, all I could think about was Bella. It was the same whenever I played, but I felt even more connected to her when it was live and in L.A. It was stupid, I knew, but sometimes I would imagine what she would say, how she would react to whatever happened on stage.
She could have been here with me, for years, if we both didn't fuck up so much so often.
I wished I was as good at explaining how I felt about her as I was at playing it. Everything was clearer with notes. I was a better communicator this way, but I knew that had to change if I ever wanted a real shot with Bella.
And really, how the fuck could I blame her for doing anything she could to get away from me. I was a goddamn train wreck back then. I treated her like shit, or so I thought. I didn't have proof to this being that those years were still a bit foggy what with all the alcohol consumption. I remembered passing out on Nessie, I remembered forgetting our anniversary, I remembered wanting a drink the moment I woke up every morning next to her.
Once upon a time I used one to balance my addiction to the other.
But nothing was that easy.
I dragged the smoke into my lungs and groaned at the lovely tobacco sensation. Goddamn that felt good.
I sank down against the wall, rested on my heels, flipped up the collar of my leather jacket in defense of the oddly chilly breeze, and continued to brood.
I was well into my second cigarette when Emmett slammed through the door.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked as he let the door slam behind him and sat next to me.
"Emmett," I said, exhaling. "I am smoking a goddamn cigarette. What the fuck does it look like I am doing?"
He glowered and shrugged and didn't respond.
"Don't tell Alice," I said, breaking the silence that had stretched between us. "Or Nessie," I amended.
"Give me one," Emmett said, sticking his hand out.
"Fuck no. I had to practically seduce a male assistant to get these three. Get your own." But then Emmett turned to me and I handed it to him, compelled by the darkest look I had ever seen grace my big brother's face. It was the kind of look I was more used to seeing in the mirror then on the jovial Emmett.
"You look like shit man," I said, giving him a light. "Does this have to do with Rose moving out?"
"How the fuck do you know about that?" he yelled, looking horrified.
"Well, I was just assuming that she wasn't staying at Bella's for shits and giggles," I commented.
"SHE IS STAYING AT BELLA'S?"
I watched in mourning as he leapt to his feet and crushed my last fucking cig in his huge grip.
"Emmett, calm the fuck down. How did you not know this? What the hell happened?" I demanded as I rose and placed a hand on each of his shoulders in an attempt to get him to settle.
"She left me man… she just fucking left. I told her I couldn't live like this anymore, that I wanted her to be my wife and she fucking left," he murmured, looking a bit dazed. It was as if he was having a hard time believing it himself.
Poor motherfucker. I could relate.
"Bella lied," I offered, causing him to raise a dark eyebrow at me. "When she left… I only let her go because she said she didn't love me. All this time… anyway, she lied. And I cant stop thinking about how different our lives would be if she didn't."
"What the fuck are we going to do about these fucking women Edward?" he asked, quite seriously.
"Right now, we are going to go play our goddamn hearts out and then we are going to go make it right."
"And how are we going to make it right?" he asked.
"Fuck if I know."
He laughed, pulled me into a headlock, and led me back inside.
BPOV
I had been doing this in secret for so long it was practically a tradition.
Even Alice didn't know about it. Or at least I didn't think she did, it is difficult to say being as she was practically omnipotent. But I was pretty sure that Alice didn't have the self-control to keep quite about this most sacred of traditions.
Minus that one conversation following the first time I snuck into a Vampire Sunrise show in which I yelled at Alice to yell at Edward about his health, it wasn't mentioned.
Jake joined me for a couple years but the guilt of bringing him ultimately distracted me from the music so I pretended that I didn't do it anymore.
It was easier that way, especially because I couldn't even explain to myself why I went.
Kathleen might have known too. I would usually ask her to watch Nessie, something that was quite rare when I wasn't working. After losing Edward, I was always very reluctant to be away from my daughter more then I had too. Plus I was a terrible liar so I am sure that Kathleen saw through my excuses, but she didn't push for answers for which I was grateful.
I had attended every single one of their shows in the area since they released their second album. Explaining even to myself how I felt about his music was difficult. Even though I found it thoroughly depressing and heart breaking, I couldn't stop listening. In recent years I had reached a point where I didn't even want to try.
I loved Vampire Sunrise and I always attended the shows of bands I loved. Except it was obviously so much more then that. The music connected us, even if he didn't know I was there, I was positive he felt it somehow.
After the band significantly cleaned up their act and Nessie was old enough to attend, Alice started taking my daughter. This made it beyond easy for me to sneak into the shows alone and unnoticed.
Those two hours were heaven, well worth it even if I felt hallow for days afterwards.
This night was so different and exactly the same.
For one I wasn't alone. For two, I was going through the backstage entrance.
"Alice," I said, starting to panic at my lack of plan. "What am I even supposed to say to him when I see him? I don't think I can do this.
I hoped he was ok. The look on his face when he left told me he wasn't.
"Just say what you feel," Alice said, wrapping her arm around my waist as we walked toward the surly looking bouncer.
I wanted to just get back in bed with Rose.
But even I wasn't that much of a coward. I knew I had to talk to Edward, that he was leaving tomorrow but the chicken shit part of me wanted to just wait and call him to tell him who knows what.
Or maybe I would find him after the show and jump his bones.
Yes, because that is such an excellent way to deal with all of our issues.
Alice and I were arriving way earlier then I was used to.
Standard procedure over the years was to arrive after the openers and lurk in the back in order to keep from being seen. Then I would cry and dance and sing and miss him and glow with pride in how fucking good they were before slipping out quickly with the masses, with no one important the wiser.
The first time I saw him, post break up, he looked so sick and was obviously so angry that it just about broke me all over again. Jake distracted me with motorcycles and spontaneous beach and city adventures with Nessie.
The next few times were the same.
A year later, he looked like a zombie, a shell of a person. Completely devoid of personality, numb from whatever substance he was on. It left me a typical emotional wreck and I dispatched Alice again, hoping that his sister could help him when I could not.
After two years apart, Edward was clean and skittish. I know it must have been so hard for him to not drink in this same old environment, but he was doing it. He was trying right? On stage he lacked his typical self-confidence and cocky demeanor. He was quite, limiting his interaction to the crowd and leaving the talking to Seth. I prayed that he would stay this way, the sober part at least, that one day I would trust his enough to let him back into Nessie's life.
It was only in the last couple of years that Edward was finally back to himself. He was happy, healthy, visiting Nessie on a weekly basis, and exuded passion from the stage. Sometimes his face would reflect some of its former sorrow and I wondered if he was thinking about me.
I always saw the sorrow in the countless shows I had attended since.
He probably hated me, just like a part of me hated him, for Heidi, for his inability to stop drinking when we still had a chance, for being absent from so much of Nessie's life, for making me love him so much still.
In recent years I had let go of a lot of that anger and hate, but it was still their buried deep.
There was so much standing between Edward and I.
We approached the backstage entrance and my hands were shaking. I shouldn't be here. He probably didn't want me here. I didn't want to fuck his performance with my presence.
I didn't have a backstage pass like Alice's and I secretly hoped he would turn me away. But then the shield was pulled up and I gave him attitude and named dropped Charlie and my own position at Swan and I was in.
"Shit," Alice said as we rounded a corner and got a good look at the band for the first time from the distance. "They are about to start their sound check. I wanted to get them in concert attire before."
"You shouldn't have been late Alice," I said, half hiding behind her (stupid because she is quite small) and half craning my neck in an attempt to get a good look at Edward who was huddled next to a very large and pale looking Emmett.
"I was only late because you wouldn't fucking get out of the car!" she seethed as she began to move foreword.
I did not follow.
"Alice, I really don't think I can do this," I said again.
"Bella, lets just go watch the sound check, ok?" she pleaded though I could tell that she was at the need of her typical short supply of patience.
But then Edward moved and I could feel that he was about to turn towards me, to look at me, to finally give me a hint to how he felt about me know.
So I did the obvious, logical thing.
I was in a panic. I couldn't face the music. I hated myself. For once I had absolutely no idea what to expect and it was freaking me the fuck out.
I think that was how I ended up in a storage closet.
I got a glimpse of bronze curls and I was so wrapped up in acting like a spy or something that I leapt into that closet.
Dazed and confused, really questioning my sanity and not really knowing how I ended up there, I sat on an overturned bucket. I was putting myself in time out until I could get a handle on my emotions.
When I was calm, then I would find Edward and start a level headed, logical, and mature conversation about our future and the mistakes of our past.
EPOV.
What the fuck was I doing?
It was the sole thought pounding through my head as we checked sound levels and made sure everything was set for the show.
I was leaving. To-fucking-morrow. And instead of making up for lost time I was wasting more of it by being a goddamn child.
Music and simply holding my guitar made me feel more connected to her. Maybe that was why I was suddenly overcoming with her presence and the need to be near her. Decision made, I pulled out my phone intent on calling her and demanding in the politest way possible that she get her sweet ass downtown when a tiny hand stopped me.
"Alice," I growled between clenched teeth.
"EDWARD!" she said with exaggerated enthusiasm. "Here is your outfit."
I just glared at her, trying to read her mind after snatching the pile from her hands. She was acting weird. Well, weirder then usual.
The record company insisted that we hire a professional to make us look presentable. Well, sexy and cool were the terms they used. At first I wanted to fight them on it, because it really fucking shouldn't matter what we wore, but Emmett talked me down. My biggest lesson in all the years in the industry was learning to pick my battles.
Plus Alice was a professional and she had been telling me what to wear since I was 15 so it really wasn't that big of a deal.
"I suggest you go change in the storage closet down that hall," she said, grabbing the pair of pants Seth had placed on his head and hitting him repetitively with it. "DO NOT FUCK WITH THE CLOTHES YOU IMMATURE LITTLE TWAT!"
Storage closet?
"I can't… I have to get Ness. I left her with that creepy PA. She probably has developed a smoking habit by now—"
"Edward," Alice seethed, eyes focused on Seth and Emmett who were chasing each other around us in a big circle, hitting each other with their pants.
Stupid, goddamn retarded band mates.
"I will get Ness. Will you please just go change? Believe me when I saw it is very, VERY important that you go to the STORAGE CLOSET. Ness and I are going to get dinner. It will probably take a while. Just go," Alice said before letting the full power of her wrath bear down on a cowering Emmett and Seth.
Oh yes. Most definitely weirder then usual.
But I was never one to argue with Alice, so I made my way to the fucking storage closet turned dressing room, calling Bella as I did so.
I paused as I reached for the handle and the phone began to ring against my ear, puzzled at the echoing ring that seemed to respond from within the closet.
Gingerly I opened the door, only to see a wide eyed Bella sitting on an overturned bucketed, chin in her hands, staring at the glowing phone on her lap.
BPOV
I hadn't moved.
Edward was out there. Singing. Playing the guitar. Closing his eyes and bending over the instrument in the most fuck all sexy manner I could imagine. The thought of it literally had me pushing my thighs together and stifling groans in the dark.
What the hell was wrong with me? Here I was, failing at fighting for the man I loved, choosing instead to work myself into a sexual tizzy just at the sound of his music and the image in my head.
I was acting like a crazy person. So I would just have to sit on timeout until I could act like an adult. I didn't like or recognize this sex crazed, stupid, overly dramatic individual I was at the moment, so I sat.
I needed to calm down so I could actually talk to Edward instead of jumping him.
But then he was calling me. Holy fuck he was calling me and the music was over and I was just so shocked that I couldn't do anything but stare at my phone like a moron. The vibration in my lap only served to heighten the tension in my body.
So when the door thundered open and he stood there scowling at me in all his glory, I just wasn't ready to behave like a sane human being. And I continued to sit, biting my lip and staring up at him and digging my hands into my thighs to keep myself from leaping at him.
He was so fucking sexy. I wanted him to play me like he did his guitar and it to be me inciting that kind of passion in him.
Without saying anything he stepped inside and shut the door, plunging us into darkness.
Was he trying to kill me with my own lust?
But then he tripped and cursed and mumbled something about the goddamn light switch. I couldn't stifle my giggle because it was just such a display of classic Edward.
"What exactly do you find so funny Isabella?" he asked, obviously annoyed that I was laughing at him.
"Nothing, Edward," I insisted as he continued to putter about in the dark. After a few more minutes the sounds of his explorations stopped and he sighed heavily, obviously giving up.
"Isabella."
Gah, the full name.
Twice.
He really was trying to kill me. I loved it when he called me my full name. It usually meant that he was super serious about something, typically making me come.
"Yes?" I managed to breathe back. It sounded like he was closer now and this lack of vision thing was a huge turn on. I wondered what that said about me as a person but dismissed the errant thought.
"Could you explain to my why you just happen to be in this storage closet?" he asked.
I wish I knew.
"Well… I heard this really great band was playing here tonight so I decided to check it out," I said, stumbling over my words. He could be anywhere in the dark.
"That doesn't really clarify the closet," he whispered right in my ear. I gasped, shocked that he was so close and almost fell backward off my makeshift stool.
"Don't you want me here?" I asked, sweeping my hands out blindly in an attempt to locate him.
Good grief I was wet.
"I… Well, yeah actually. I guess I do. I was just calling you… fuck Bella where is the goddamn light! What the fuck is the point of this fucking hole in the wall CLOSET if not to be illumined to assist in the STORING of things!"
Tears welled in my eyes as I heard how absolutely tortured he was. Tortured and conflicted and… broken. I did that. That was me. I just hoped it wasn't too late. I mean he was freaking out about the light, not a good sign.
"Edward. I am here because I love seeing the man I love on stage. I am here because I want to be. I am here because I am so sorry I lied. And mostly I am here because for the first time ever I am going to fight for us. For you."
I listened in the dark for a hint on the effect of my words. The noise of his pacing had ceased and I couldn't even make out his breathing over my own panicked breaths.
"I didn't know what else to do, Edward. You were drowning and I had to put Nessie first. I was young and stupid, but… but." I was really gasping for air then, sobbing at all the hurt of our past crashing down on me. At the same time I needed him, needed to touch him.
"I shouldn't have lied, made you think something so horrible and so far from the truth. I am so sorry, for lying for waiting so long to tell you… I was going to, that day. But then Heidi…" I inhaled jaggedly, trying to calm down. "All the fight went out of me."
Edward hissed in the corner. He couldn't have possibly been farther away from me. I thought he would say something, but the silence persisted and I pressed on.
"You were a push of a button away from quitting the band. For me. How would that have helping anything? How would quitting something you loved, something that you had wanted since you were a little kid, helped you sober up? The band always had most of you and I couldn't let you quit. Especially when it would have caused you to be even more destructive."
I realized that I was getting all worked up and I was supposed to be apologizing, not ranting.
"You don't know anything," he said in a low voice, much closer then I anticipated.
Ah he spoke again and I reached out, finding his jaw in the dark. We both inhaled sharply at the contact.
"I know that I am sorry. I know that I messed up. More then anything I know that I love you." His whole body seemed to shutter under my hand at my words. I continued to stroke his face and attempted to pull him closer but he was not budging. "How could you believe me so easily? After everything… I am a terrible liar."
"It never made sense," he stammered. "You loving me."
"It is the only thing that ever made sense to me," I said with conviction, wishing he would give me some sign that would allow me to get closer to him.
"My own mother didn't even love me Bella," he snapped. "How could someone as perfect as you?"
If there had even been a little bit of light in that room, he would have seen a look of abject horror on my face.
"That is such bullshit," I sputtered, not really knowing how to tackle that one. "I am obviously no where even close to perfect! And your mother was deranged! And you are wonderful and kind and funny and I hate myself for torturing you further."
"What's bullshit is how we spent all these years apart," his voice steadily rising in pitch and volume. "What's bullshit is that I did believe you and that knowledge kept me from winning you back YEARS ago. What's bullshit is that I spent years pissing on the memory of us. What's bullshit is that it is all my fucking fault for being such a fuck up. It still doesn't make sense for you to love me Bella, after everything I did to you and Nessie. I lied too Bella. The band wasn't my fucking priority. I was a young and stupid kid and I somehow managed to convince myself that you wanted a rockstar. I just wanted to be near you."
I opened my mouth to object, and loudly too, but his hand found my lips in the dark, effectively silencing me promptly. And I let him, because for the first time in years things were starting to make sense. Like a giant piece of the puzzle that was Edward and I was falling in to place. His confession had me seeing conversations and behaviors in a whole new light.
Of course Edward hated touring. Of course Edward hated being told what to create. Of course it was the band, not me, that had him so miserable.
I was just lucky that my desertion hadn't killed him in the end.
"I know Bella. I realize now that I was deluded and insecure and a fucking alcoholic. But that is what I thought so I kept a lot form you. I hated every minute I was away from you, band or no band. I would have done anything to make you happy and I thought becoming a rockstar would make you happy."
And the horrors just kept coming.
I rose then, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing myself into him like the shameless hussy I was. Despite the tension I felt there, he slowly relaxed and returned my embrace.
"I love you Edward Cullen," I said, tightening my grip. "All I ever wanted was to make you happy, healthy, fulfilled. I would love you no matter what you did for a living. I am so sorry I ever made you feel otherwise."
He groaned and seemed to collapse against me, shaking his head against my neck and stuttering incoherently for a moment before regaining some composure.
"I love you Bella. I am sorry for failing so miserably back then. I am sorry I couldn't get clean, I am sorry for not trusting in what we have. I am sorry for not showing you my priorities. I don't deserve your love Bella. You give it too freely, after what I did to you and Nessie."
I was beginning to see that Ness and I weren't the only ones hurt by Edward's actions. He did the most harm to himself. I had to forgive him, he had to forgive me, and we had to forgive ourselves if we had any chance of moving on.
"I love you," I said again, with a ferocity I didn't know I was capable of. His arms tightened around me and I hoped that he was starting to believe me.
"I love you now, I love you then, I love you forever," I continued, barely aware that we were both openly crying now. I continued to reaffirm my love, to change what he thought was true for years, as I planted kisses on any part of his face I could find with my lips in the dark.
For one terrible moment I thought he wouldn't respond, that he would declare that too much damage had been done, and that he would demand I get the fuck out of his life for good.
But then he did respond. With gusto.
There was silence and stillness for what felt like forever until suddenly I was hoisted off the ground, kissed within an inch of my life, and slammed against what I could only assume was the door.
I think I squeaked a little and my head hit the door but if anything the pain simply added to massive amount of pleasure I was already experiencing.
His hands were everywhere, throwing off my tank top and sliding under the waistband of my jeans. His lips were everywhere, nibbling on my collarbone and thoroughly tormenting each nipple through the thin material of my bra. He was everywhere, in my head, in my heart, in my soul.
"Goddamn, evil she devil…" he groaned into the side of my neck as my hands found their way into his hair. "I don't… ah… want to think… fuck shouldn't… love me?"
"Edward," was all I could manage.
"We should be," another groan, "talking or some shit."
"Later." I pushed his shirt off his shoulders.
"You always say that." He struggled with my jeans with one hand before finally setting me down with a thud. Then he was on his knees in front of me yanking down my pants and underwear in one fluid motion. I shuttered when the cool air hit my thighs and then absolutely convulsed when his lips found my clit.
I yelped.
Still unable to see, this whole series of events was completely unexpected, completely intensifying everything.
"I urggg… mean it… for real this, gah, time," I moaned, scared that he would stop any moment and go back to hating me.
Oral pleasure had to be a sign of forgiveness? Right? I myself was well on my way to forgetting the past. For both of us.
"Mumm…" he mumbled against me.
It was all soft lips, nipping teeth, and probing tongue. Just how I liked it. The tension was coiling and I was having a hard time balancing my desire to touch him with my hands with my need to hold onto the doorframe in order to stay upright.
His tongue circled my clit again and I stumbled, thankful that he was in tune enough with me to brace me with his big hands on my hips, bringing one of my legs over his shoulder as he did so.
Needless to say it didn't take long for me to come after that.
His name was still on my lips when I was once again pushed up against that door with him thrusting into me in the dark, effectively shocking me once again. Edward sought out my lips and I was attempting to kiss him, having no control my breathing at that time.
I missed this symphony that was unique to Edward and I.
"Goddamn Isabella," he moaned between labored breaths. "You feel so fucking good."
My answer was a moan as I raked my fingers down his back.
"Do I make you feel good?" he hissed as the pace of this pounding increased. I nodded in response, but of course it was too dark to see. "Do I? Use your… fuck… words—"
"Yes," I cried. "Edward… I love you."
"I love you," he responded, reaching down to where we were intimately acquainted, an action that had me coming for the second time that evening. I few more fast strokes and Edward joined me.
A boneless glob, we slid down the door to the floor together.
"Do you really love me, Bella?" he whispered, still clinging to me. His voice sounded young and insecure and it had me tearing again.
"Yes. Very, very much. I can't ever lose you again Edward," I murmured, content in his arms.
But my joy was short lived because moments later pulled away, putting ill advised space between our bodies.
"Fuck," he cried suddenly. His exclamation was followed by the sound of a fist connecting with the concert floor.
"What?" I said, warily, feeling like he was on the verge of breaking my heart (again) and destroying out beautiful lovemaking.
"I am such a colossal fucking goddamn fuck up." I could envision his running his hands through his hair. "We shouldn't have fucking done that."
Yup. There it was. The heartbreak, something that was far too familiar at this point in my relatively young like.
"We shouldn't have?" I asked, sounding like the young one now.
"No. Fuck Bella. We are supposed to be taking things slow. I am still fucking disgusted with the both of us. I am annoyed with you, well not at this exact moment obvioulybut you get the point, and I am furious with me because this whole fucking mess is my own goddamn fault."
"Does this mean that you hate me?" I asked quickly before losing my nerve.
"What? Fuck no. I could never fucking hate you. I motherfucking love you Isabella, goddamn it. I will get over this, I wont let either of our lies ruin us. I will make it up to you but how the fuck am I supposed to make you feel loved and cherished and valued when I can't not fuck you when you get near me? GODDAMN, I can't believe I lost control like that—"
I let out a breath that was half frustration, half relief. I was pissed that he didn't understand how he made me feel. I was relieved that he wanted to make me feel like that at all.
"Edward," I said, on the verge of losing patience with my beautiful rockstar. "That is exactly what you just did. You made me feel cherished and loved and valued."
He just made a skeptical sound and continued to move around in the dark.
"I am just still so fucking sad Bella," he whispered in the dark, making me want to cry all over again. "A million 'what ifs' are running through my head. I keep thinking about everything we lost, wishing there was a way to go back and fucking fix it."
"You will drive yourself and me crazy thinking like that," I replied, determined not to follow him on that depressing path. "Wishing is useless."
We should get up," he said, effectively ending the conversation.
So I did, trying to figure out a way to displace that ache in both of us of what could have been.
EPOV
"We should get up," I said tersely. For someone who had just indulged in the hottest round of quick fucking ever, I was wound pretty goddamn tight.
I couldn't believe I lost control like that, fucking her brains out while this hailstorm of conflicting emotion still raged inside me.
Not that it wasn't worth it, but I would have much preferred to feel steadier with Bella before sexing it up. Again.
I should have felt elated about all the shit that we just hashed out.
She loved me. She had always loved me. As hard as it was to believe, that was the truth. She wanted me to be her new (old) boyfriend. These were good things, even if I didn't like the way that sounded in my head. Boyfriend seemed far too casual after everything that we had been though, but it was a start.
And I was pretty fucking certain that she wanted to start something of a forever nature.
I should have been over the goddamn moon, but instead I was all up in my head, pulling away from her again, and torturing myself with a thousand what ifs.
"Don't ruin something so beautiful with sadness," she whispered back as I started to move around in search for her clothes and my outfit for the evening.
"I am not trying to ruin anything sunshine," I sighed as I zipped my pants. "Just give me some time."
"Right. Yes. Anyway," she stammered, shuffling around in the dark, avoiding really talking to me. "I can't fine my clothes."
"You are better off without them," I remarked, smiling a little and trying to move past this inexplicable grief. Bella was right when she always called me a drama queen. I was ridiculous.
"Oh really, you want me to leave this closet in only a moist bra to parade about in front of your friends and colleagues?"
Fuck. Friends and colleagues were indeed out there.
Before every show, the band had a pep talk/powwow complete with chanting and foot stomping to get ourselves properly psyched for a show.
I was really late for the powwow.
Best case scenario: they had given up on me and gone home. Unlikely being as we were due out on stage in a matter of minutes.
Worse case scenario: they had heard the whole thing and were waiting out side for me to appear with the mystery girl. I would never hear the end of this. Since I had gotten clean and then Sam two years later, we pretty much eliminated this sort of rockstar behavior from our touring. Even so normally, such things were overlooked but I had a bit of a reputation for being a bitch about keeping it clean when Nessie was around.
I would really never hear the fucking end of this.
"Fucking goddamn shit," I said as I continued to grope for the light switch.
"Relax," she laughed. "I think you know me a little better then to think I would actually do that."
I finally found the light and Bella squeaked and blinked as she covered her lady bits with her hands.
"It is a little late for an over active sense of propriety, don't you think?" I said, kissing her soundly before going about the business of getting dressed. I hoped she understood what I was feeling. I hoped she understood that I would make sure it passed.
Once we were both semi decent (Bella's hair was a riot of waves and I was sure I looked no less well fucked, but we did what we could) I pressed my ear to the door, attempting to hear if anyone was outside.
"Edward, I am sure everyone is really busy by now," she said as she wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, effectively pressing every bit of her body into my back. "I am antsy to get this show on the road so you can cheer up and we can move on the reunion sex part."
I quickly, though cautiously, opened the door, keeping Bella behind me as I peered out.
Most unfortunately I was greeted with the sight of 3 smug motherfuckers. Stupid worst case scenario. I should have considered myself lucky that this closet was rather out of the way and no one else was about. But I was in a glass half full kinda mood.
"Well, well, well," smirked Emmett. "If it isn't St. Edward, breaking his own motherfucking rules."
"What were yah doing in there Eddie?" asked Seth, far to innocently. "It can't be Tanya. I heard you broke up."
"It is probably a groupie," interjected a very superior Sam.
"Naw," Emmett continued. "He out grew that nasty habit years ago."
Bella pinched me in the back, hard at this.
"Ow, shit that fucking hurt," I exclaimed as I tried to figure out a way to get out of this. I didn't want Bella to be embarrassed.
"Let her out Eddie!" yelled Seth. This Eddie business needed to end. Right now. "I am sure your new friend would love to meet the rest of Vampire Sunrise. We are famous you know."
Bella laughed behind me and put a hand on my shoulder, motioning for me to get out of the way.
"If anything it will only improve her night, which, for the sound of things, was going pretty damn good to begin with," commented Emmett.
"Will you assholes just get out of here please?" I snapped, wanting to protect Bella from this.
"Edward," she said quietly from behind me in the shadows. "It's fine."
"See!" yelled Sam. "She wants to meet the sexier parts of the band."
Very reluctantly I huffed in frustration and stepped out of the way with a final glare, allowing Bella to come into the light.
"Hi boys," she said with confidence even though she was cherry tomato red right up to her roots.
The three identical looks of shock were pretty fucking great and I wished it was documented somewhere via photograph. They all moved into action at once after several seconds of silence.
Emmett bounded forward and swept Bella into his arms yelling 'no fucking way' over and over again. Seth grabbed Bella's hands pumping them vigorously and saying 'finally' in time with Emmett. Sam instantly dropped to his knees, raising his hands in thanks to whatever deity that sick fuck preferred.
"THANK THE POWERS THAT BE!" he bellowed.
My friends were such assholes.
But I let them carry on for a bit because they really had put up with a lot from me over the years. Plus Bella was laughing so the only one this scene making was annoying was me.
I could live with that.
Plus the whole thing was momentarily distracting me from the what if's so that was another positive.
And eventually they let her go. The second her feet were back on the ground she walked straight to my side, slipping under my arm and resting a hand on my chest and her head on my shoulder.
"Edward, stop scowling," she said as she kissed my jaw.
"Yea dude, we are just thrilled. It took ya'll long enough," said Sam. "I mean, this motherfucker was a mess with out you Bella. And when Edward is a mess he is a real bitch to deal with let me tell you."
That only deepened the scowl.
"I was a mess without you too," she whispered in my ear, looking shy at the confession. I definitely had mixed feelings about that. I didn't want her to be hurting, but I was glad she missed me. I sure as fuck missed her.
Though I wouldn't have had to miss her if she hadn't lied or I hadn't lied or we had been a little better at communicating or I managed to stop drinking sooner.
Gah, this really needed to stop if we had a chance at working this round.
We were well on our way, I wouldn't let myself fuck it up.
"So are you two like back together now?" asked Emmett.
"Yeah, weren't you dating Jake?" asked Seth.
"Are you coming on tour with us or something?" ask Sam.
"Alright, calm down. Listen, Bella and I haven't really worked out the details yet, but yes she broke up with Jake and yes, we are figuring some stuff out, ok?" I said as I attempted to get away from them, pulling Bella sideways with me toward the bustle of the main stage where the roadies were setting us up.
How the fuck long were we in that room?
"You sound like you are talking to the fucking press Eddie," scowled Sam.
"Since when the fuck is it ok to call me Eddie?" I yelled, but no one listened, as usual.
"Ok boys, enough questions. You will just have to wait till your next male bonding secession to get all the details because I am insisting that you all focus on your show. This is the first one I have not snuck into in a very long time and I want you at the top of your game."
What the fuck was she talking about? I raised my eyebrow at her and made a mental note to get to the bottom of that at some point.
"I am going to go find my sister and daughter and sit down and enjoy this goddamn show. I am suddenly overcome with fatigue," she finished with a smirk.
Goddamn, if I wasn't such a fuck up I could have been enjoying that smirk for the last 8 years.
There were the expected jokes at that comment, but after a lot of hugging of Bella they finally let her leave.
"Alright assholes," I said, trying to drum up a little enthusiasm. I was so fucking tired. The only way I was able to get on stage was the knowledge that is was for Bella. I owed her something. I owed her everything. "No fuck ups. Remember what we practiced. Now lets melt some mother fucking faces!"
Face melting was definitely not our thing, but it sure got Emmett and Seth pumped.
We made our way towards the stage and I tussled Nessie's hair as I passed, giving Bella a sad smiled as I took my guitar for a roadie.
And the millisecond I was onstage everything changed, just as it always did. I was in the motherfucking zone, adrenaline pumping a greater rate tonight because Bella was here. Bella was watching me. Bella was mine.
At the same time, all the angst laced words I wrote about this seemingly doomed relationship with my lost dream girl were harder to sing. Those emotions were fresh and it was like I was feeling all that pain for the first time. I was reliving every documented moment shared with this amazing women through song. It was cathartic. I was purging all ill will and thoughts of what could have been.
We finished the show and taking a few moments of recovery time before the encore (a audience/performer tradition I had always found cumbersome) when I went with a whim that would rid me of these last vestiges of sorrow and regret.
I sat at the piano and began to sing the saddest song I knew.
It was a personal favorite of mine, a track I often put on or sang alone with my guitar when I really wanted to wallow in a feeling of misery of the reality of life without Bella.
Lenard Cohen was a motherfucking genius.
Though I added my own embellishments to keep myself entertained, neither I nor Jeff Buckley or Rufus Wainwright or the countless others to remake it could top the original. I didn't think anything could make Hallelujah more gut wrenching, poignant, or goddamn beautiful.
That was until I heard Bella's voice joining my own in that first verse.