chapter twenty one: something I had to earn
The longer it took to track Tigress the angrier Shifu became.
Why were there so many damnable roads south? Who the hell needed all these roads? There were at last five main arteries she could have taken, and countless others should she wish to be difficult to track. He began to fear that the search would be hopeless until morning, and by then who knew where she might have gone?
He grumbled. It was times like this he wished he wasn't such a good teacher, that he could have programmed some sort of failsafe into his students. Some failing only he would see for cases like this, when one of them just snapped for no reason.
It seemed to happen a lot.
Anger and regret sliced through him.
"Damn it, damn it, damn it all," he muttered, repressing a self hatred strong enough to make him want to fall to his knees and weep.
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As the night progressed he began to notice a pattern. There were a ton of travelers on the roads and they all seemed to be going in the same direction. Out of options, he decided to simply follow them and see where they lead.
After an hour of walking he got fed up and asked someone where they were headed.
"The spring fires," a goat said, looking at him as if he were stupid. "Everyone in the six valleys will be there."
Everyone but the civilized people, Shifu thought.
His feet ached by the time they finally arrived. He found himself unwittingly impressed by the display, the six huge fires and the Taiko drums. He was less impressed by the partygoers, who offered him various drugs about seven times before he even reached the first bonfire.
"Leaf here, leaf! Want some leaf, old man?" a one-eyed antelope asked.
"Do I look like I want some leaf?" he snapped.
"You look angry and tired, so yes."
He chuckled despite himself. "Try me forty years ago," he said.
"You eat some of these and I can I probably do that for you," the antelope said. He reached into a filthy pocket for something but Shifu was already off.
"Nice stick!" the antelope called after him.
"Nice stick," Shifu muttered. "I'll stick you."
He hopped atop a boulder to get a good view of the gathering. How would he ever find her in this mess of people, provided she was even here? After a moment he closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and centered himself. He usually preferred to meditate perched upon his staff, but that would attract too much attention. He imagined clear white light around him and let his mind slowly drop away, reaching out into the night with the force that lingered behind his mind. The force that connected him to the energy of the universe.
Tigress, he thought. If she were nearby he would hopefully sense her.
Something rippled at his awareness.
East.
He flipped off the boulder and ran into the forest, whacking at the brush with his staff. After a while he came upon a clearing, his sense of her presence growing ever stronger. He slowed his pace, creeping through the leaves, until he saw a flash of movement. Heard a cry.
A flash of orange. Her arm! It was her! But there was someone with her. And … they were-
A shudder crashed through him when he realized what he saw. He looked around in a panic, utterly at a loss for options. He certainly wasn't going to come crashing out of the bushes during that, but what to do? He spun in a circle, trying to find a direction to go in the dark, to get away from her aroused cries. He'd go away and come back in … what? Ten minutes?
Ten minutes is crap, he thought, then found himself aghast at his own heckling. Through the bushes Tigress moaned. His hands were to small to plug his ears. He had to escape this horrid awkwardness, now.
A terrible thought struck him. What if she was with him for money? What if he was too late?
But no, it didn't sound … transactional. Oh, gods, not only was he hearing this, he was analyzing it! He had to get away! He turned suddenly, prepared to just bolt. His staff hit a tree and rustled some leaves.
"You okay?" the boy said.
Shifu hated him immediately.
"Stop," Tigress said. "Someone's here."
Shifu froze.
The boy tried to dissuade her but she was on her feet. She approached the bush, unsure. Blue pigment was smeared across her forehead. He saw the yellow of her eyes.
"I see you!" she cried, and lunged.
Out of instinct he caught her with the curved end of the staff and drove her back. She stumbled, her eyes wild, her clothes askew and covered in dirt from copulating on the ground.
He emerged from the bush, angry at her bewildered look, angry at himself, angry at the night.
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Dread.
Dread of an intensity she didn't know it was possible to feel. Dread that bored icy metal holes straight through her. Her eyes grew so wide they enveloped her own head and twisted around her neck, choking her. She stumbled and fell on her bottom, aghast.
Oh god, it really was him.
"Hey!" Abasi shouted, leaping at Shifu, who quickly dispatched him with a jab of his staff. He forced Abasi down to the ground, pinning him there by his neck, sneering at him. Abasi squirmed and tried to unpin himself to no avail. Shifu pushed the staff into his neck a little harder. Abasi started to sputter and choke.
"Stop it!" Tigress cried. "Let him go!"
Shifu snarled but released him. Abasi scooted away, terrified and furious.
"Who the hell is that?" Abasi cried.
"Abasi, go," Tigress said, shaking. Her skin was rippling. Bugs crawled along her muscles. She wanted to vomit.
"What?"
"GO!" Tigress shouted. "Just go, I'll find you later."
"Like hell you will," Shifu snarled.
Quick as lightning Abasi leapt to his feet and charged Shifu again. Shifu caught him in mid-air, flipped him, and drove him into the ground. Before she even knew what she did Tigress leapt upon them, knocking Shifu off Abasi with the blunt force of her body. The two of them tumbled into the bush, the sharp branches and thorns cutting them as they rolled end over end.
Something unleashed inside her. She turned senseless with rage. She forgot she was Tigress, forgot he was Shifu, forgot everything except the animal in her determined to destroy this thing attacking her and her mate.
She had the struggling creature in her paws, it's arms pinned. They hit a tree. With a roar she flipped right side up and slammed the thing into the tree trunk. She felt its head crack against the ironwood. She pressed it to the tree with her left paw and rose to strike it with her right, claws extended, snarling.
"Tigress!" it cried out in terror.
Her head jerked. Her sight returned. Her yellow eyes met his blue ones.
A sudden wall of force hit her and she was propelled backwards through the air, back out into the clearing, the trees and sky and stars twirling around her. She hit the ground shoulders first, skidding along rocks, flipping end over end until she was face down in the dirt.
There was sand in her throat. She hacked it up. She saw Shifu's feet pounding towards her. He stopped about ten feet away.
"Why?" he cried, the word tearing desperately from his throat.
She looked up at him. He was bleeding, covered in scratches, his hand digging into his side with pain. He held his staff half - heartedly between them. There was more agony in his eyes than she had ever seen. His pain tunneled through her, but before it could get to her heart it was stopped by a mucus of resentment so thick it filled her entire chest. As she sat up it began to fill her torso, her arms and legs, squirmy and dense, awful and seductive.
She knocked his staff away with her arm. He leapt back and pointed it at her again, this time with conviction. But his eyes were wide, wide with -
Fear.
He was afraid of her.
"I had you back there," Tigress said with horrible satisfaction.
"Yes," he said.
"I could have killed you."
"Yes," he replied, the agony in his voice palpable.
She got to her feet. He stepped back, gingerly circling her, his staff aimed squarely at her neck. She started to grow tall, taller. She towered over him. A weird sorrow suddenly leaked from her eyes, spilling down her body in rivulets, filling her throat.
"You're so small," she said. Her voice cracked.
"Yes," he said. "I am. But I was big once, wasn't I?"
A flash of memory, of when she used to look up at him. Of being eye level of him. Of sparring with him.
Of wanting him.
Bugs, bugs, bugs under her skin! She gasped, leapt, spun, and charged through the night. She had to put as much distance as possible between them. She ran so fast she could barely feel the ground. Her eyes were wet, the rivulets of sorrow flying from them like streamers.
Tears, she realized.
The world began to twist and writhe again. She lost her sense of space and tripped over a downed tree. He was right behind her, as he had been the whole time. He'd always been faster than her. Than anyone.
"Go away!" she shrieked at him. The twisting grew overwhelming and she covered her eyes with her hands. "Why won't you just leave? Why won't you ever just leave me alone? I can't, I can't do it, I can't look at you anymore! Go, go, please! Just go!"
"I can't go until you know the truth," he said.
"What truth?" she said into her hands.
"You don't know who these people are, what they want from you."
"And you think you do?" she said, uncovering her eyes. He stood on a nearby boulder, his staff upright. He wavered and spun, his form unsteady. He closed her eyes and held down a retch.
"I know I do! That woman - Lata - Habika - I know her," he said. "She is not your friend. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. She wants to turn you into a prostitute, do you know that? She wants to sell you to the highest bidder! I certainly hope you enjoy fucking strangers in the dirt, because if you stick with her that's what you'll be doing."
Tigress sat upright. Blinked.
Shifu lifted his chin and looked down at her. So bloody sure of himself.
The corner of Tigress's mouth ticked upwards. Her throat began to vibrate. Before she knew it she was laughing. Howling. Shifu's look of complete bewilderment jut made her howl more. She gasped and pounded the ground.
"You - you - you came all the way here to tell me that?" she cried. "That Lata - Lata wants me to - " She was overcome with hilarity. Of course Lata would want that, she'd be thrilled! The trees laughed along with her. Her master, such a fool!
"I don't see what's so funny about this," he barked.
"You think that just because that's what Lata wants, that's what she'll get?" Tigress cried. "Just how stupid do you think I am?"
He was taken aback.
"Do you really think I'll just do whatever someone wants me to? That I'm that easily manipulated?" she continued, peering at him. "Just because you can manipulate me doesn't mean Lata can. And you have been manipulating me … haven't you? Haven't you?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"How long have I been able to kill you, Master?" She tilted her head. "How long have you been tricking me into thinking I'm weaker than you?"
"Don't think because you surprised me back there that you have surpassed me, little girl," he growled.
"Don't you dare call me that," Tigress whispered. "I was never your little girl."
Shifu suddenly melted. His face changed, his body changed. He became liquid, goopy. She had to shake her head to return him to his normal form. By the time he did he was slightly slumped, his eyes drooping. He looked incredibly old.
"You were always my little girl," he said.
"No," she said. She extended her hand to block his face. She could not cope with his eyes. "Don't."
"Tigress - "
"Don't lie to me," she spat. Tears welled in her eyes. "At least respect me enough not to lie to me. Scream at me, beat me, punish me, but don't lie to me."
"I have never lied to you."
"Bullshit."
He looked stricken.
"Yes! Bullshit!" she cried. "Lies! Manipulations! You use that trick to get whatever you want out of me! You have for years! You think I don't know it?" she shouted. "TAI LUNG, you loved. He was your SON. You loved him more than you ever loved anyone before, or since. And you know what, I could almost live with that. Almost. But her? Her?"
"She has nothing to do with you!"
"You've knew her a month and you loved her! A month! Is that what it takes to crack your heart, a little face and a pretty tail? A good screw? Hm? Is that what it takes? All this time I thought your love was something I had to earn, but no, I could have just fucked it out of you, could't I?"
He looked up at her, helpless, aghast. He stumbled against his staff.
She'd shredded him.
"Tigress … I … I-"
"You what?" she snarled.
He just looked up at her, speechless. His eyes were wounded and dripping.
She turned on her heel and walked away, her vision misting with tears. She heaved and choked, the sobs erupting up through her. She could not walk far. She didn't know where she was going anyway. She stopped, leaned against a tree, and wept.
After a while she felt him near her. They stood silently in one another's presence, all talk exhausted. He sat down on a nearby rock. They could not meet one another's eyes.
After a long time Shifu spoke. His voice was quiet, defeated.
"If you're not here because of Lata, then why? Is it that boy? The one you were … with?" he asked. "Do … do you love him?"
"No," Tigress said at the ground. "I love you."
"I love you too."
A wave of sorrow squeezed her eyes shut.
She shook her head.
"You don't believe me," he said, bereft. "Oh god, Tigress, I'm so sorry."
She didn't respond. She couldn't.
"Is it too late?" he asked after a long moment.
"I don't know," she whispered.
They went silent once more. Tigress was utterly depleted. Her limbs felt like noodles. She was exhausted, deflated. Finished. The ground and trees stopped undulating. She felt nothing.
"What are you going to do?" he asked. There was a strange tenor to his voice she could not place. After a moment she realized he was addressing her as a fellow adult. Not as a master to his student, but as an independent person no longer his to command.
She looked up and out, through the trees, into the distance where the spring fires raged.
"I don't know," she said.
Shifu stood. "Do what you have to do. You know where I will be. Just, please … Tigress … one day … come back."
She closed her eyes and nodded. It was the slightest twitch of her head she could manage, but it was enough.
When she opened her eyes he was gone.
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