Twenty-one:
First True Estrangement

Harry was officially tired of 'house arrest'. He was barely allowed to go to market to get baby formula and nappies, and he was tired of being tailed by a protection detail. He loved spending time with Zoe, but even that was wearing thin. At a particularly dark moment, he contemplated going out and trimming the hedge – but that constituted gardening and that wasn't in his comfort zone.

Neither was Ruth, anymore. She'd moved into the guest room and neither of them was sleeping very well. The master bedroom felt so empty without her, and the bed far too big for one. They didn't talk, even in passing – except to talk about Zoe and Graham or to squabble about whose turn it was to run the washing.

Four weeks, and she still wouldn't look him in the eye or talk to him. He knew it was self-preservation, grief, shock… but it didn't make him feel any better.

He paused in the doorway, taking in the sight of Ruth packing two bags – one full of baby clothes, the other full of her clothes, and he blinked. "Ruth, what's –"

"I took leave," she said crisply. "Zoe and I are going away for a week."

"Did you think that was something you might have discussed with me first?" he asked cautiously.

"No," Ruth replied. "And, so you know, we'll be at the house in Suffolk – so you can call and talk to Zoe."

"Ruth –"

"I need to get away from you," she said, her tone very stiff and cold. "I can't keep living like this."

"Well, you haven't exactly made an effort to make anything better," he pointed out, his frustration finally boiling over. "You just hold me responsible for everything – when that couldn't be further from the truth!"

"Fuck you," Ruth hissed. "You've shirked all responsibility and just – just – I need to leave. I need to get away and decide what I'm going to do. Whether I'm going to resign or request a transfer. Whether I want to move out. Whether I want to stay married to you at all."

He threw his hands up in the air. "Fine, run away," he said. "Don't talk to me. Do this all on your own – be selfish, Ruth. For once in your life, be selfish," Harry sighed, turning and walking away from her. He couldn't possibly let her see how much it hurt to know that he'd probably already lost her, all through his own stupidity and thick-headedness. All they did was fight now, if they did anything. He wanted them to be back in love, unscathed. He wanted everything to be different.

He went into the nursery and scooped Zoe up out of her crib. She chewed on her fingers and cooed, burbling and smiling, oblivious to the fact that her world might just be crumbling around her.

"I love you, Zoe," Harry said very softly. "No matter what, I will always love you, sweetheart." He rubbed the baby's back and sighed.

Ruth said, "She loves you, too." He turned and looked at her in the doorway, bags under her eyes, skin sallow, looking for all the world like a victim of some horrible catastrophe… and it was true enough. They might not be able to weather the storm.

He pinned his gaze on her, trying to will her to believe him. "Ruth, I love you, too," he said very softly. For a moment, she looked like she might give in, but she just smiled sadly and looked away. He cursed inwardly – he wasn't ready for this, for them, to be over. She couldn't possibly be, either. "Ruth," he said, "please look at me…"

She never looked at him, just said, "Maybe love isn't enough, Harry."

"It must be," he whispered. "It has to be."

She shook her head and murmured, "I'm still going. I need time. Away from all of this. Away from you."

"Ruth –"

"Harry," she said very quietly, meeting his eyes hesitantly, skittishly, "I love you. So much. But this, us, it's broken. I need time. I need space. I can't fix it now."

"We haven't even tried –"

"Harry, I woke up this morning and started packing and I had to repack because I forgot you weren't coming with us," she confessed very softly. "I'm angry, I'm splintered in a thousand pieces, and all we've done is fight. Please just give me time. I love you – please let that be enough for right now."

Zoe tangled her fingers in his hair and yanked. "Ow! Zoe, gentle," Harry gasped.

The baby pouted, then let out a plaintive whimper of, "Daaaaah."

He paused, then said, "What, sweetheart?" Her first proper word, and it was calling for him. She burbled and yanked on his hair again.

"Dah," she repeated.

He smiled and gave her a kiss. "You're very clever like mummy," he praised.

Graham appeared over Ruth's shoulder. "Are you two done fighting now?" he asked warily.

"Momentary pause," Ruth said. "I'm about to load the car, and then Zoe and I will be out of your hair for a few days."

Graham frowned a little. "Zoe, are you really going to let your mum run off with you?" he asked.

Zoe burbled, gurgled, and tugged on Harry's ear. "Dahhhh," she squealed, laughing.

"I think that's baby talk for 'mummy-daughter bonding time'," Harry said.

"Sounded like she was scolding you," Graham replied. "I can't wait to get healed and ditch this bloody sling so I can pick her up again."

"Ppppplfhufffgeeeeeeee," Zoe said. She made grabby hands at her brother. "Geeeeeee."

Harry carried her closer so she could give Graham his affectionate pats. "Geeeow," Zoe slurred.

"When did you start talking, Zoe-muffin?" Graham asked.

"Just a few minutes ago," Ruth said softly.

Zoe looked over at her mother and said, "Muuuuuhm."

Ruth smiled just a little and said, "You be good for daddy – mummy's going to pack the car."

Harry sighed and looked at Zoe. "You, little miss Pearce, better take care of your mum," he said firmly. "She's very fragile, you know."

Graham said, "Dad, you better make up with Ruth –"

"I'm trying," Harry protested. His voice softened. "I'm trying. She needs time apart."

"She needs a good shag," Graham muttered.

Harry smacked him upside the head. "Don't ever say that again," he warned.

"Dad –"

"Shut it," Harry said firmly.

Zoe yawned and tucked her face into Harry's neck. "Daah," she whispered, patting his cheek.

He was going to miss them so much. So, so much.

'Are you going to eat that or just stare at it?" Graham asked, pointing at Harry's plate with his fork. "Because if you aren't going to eat it, I will."

Harry sighed and pushed his plate away. "I'm going to take the dogs for a walk," he said.

Graham rolled his eyes. "Ruth isn't going to call you, is she? It's been a week and you're intolerably mopey, grumpy, and just all around awful."

"She promised to call," Harry muttered.

"She was just telling you what you wanted to hear to shut you up," Graham said. "She doesn't want you poking your nose in things."

Harry grunted and glared at his son. "I really don't care for your attitude."

"I really don't care for the fact that your wife, that you supposedly love most dearly, just up and left with my little sister," Graham said.

Harry shrugged. "It's not your place, son."

"Maybe not, but I'm going to be the one to tell you that Ruth is smart – if she wants to disappear and take Zoe with her, she will," Graham warned.

Harry gritted his teeth. "Stick a fork in it," he growled. Deep inside, though, he knew his son was right. If Ruth ran and took Zoe, she knew where and how to hide.

"Dahh?" Zoe said sadly, grabbing at Ruth's phone. "DAH!"

Ruth sighed and smoothed down the little girl's curly hair. "Daddy is busy, love," she said gently. "Why don't you play with mummy and your toys? Or mummy can read you a story…"

Zoe's little face screwed up and she started bawling her eyes out. "DAH!" she insisted forlornly.

Ruth gave the baby a kiss and whispered, "Oh, sweetheart, mummy and daddy have made a mess of everything, haven't they?"

"Muuuuhm," the baby whimpered. "Dah…"

"Oh, all right," Ruth finally acquiesced.

She rang his phone, and for her trouble got a curt, "Pearce."

"Harry," was all she could manage to say. Eight days alone with a baby and she was about to go crackers. She needed to hear his voice, to be forgiven and to forgive. She needed, wanted, had to believe that he still loved her, despite being trapped in her head.

"Dah! Dah DAH!" Zoe shrieked. Ruth put the phone on speaker and set it down.

"Zoe wanted you rather badly," Ruth said softly. She wanted him worse, though she couldn't bring herself to say that aloud. There was a Harry-sized hole in her heart, and it ached for the absence of him.

"Hullo, sweetheart," Harry said gruffly. "I miss you."

"Daaaaaah," Zoe said excitedly, chewing on her finger.

Ruth sighed softly and said, "I'm coming home tomorrow."

"Don't," Harry said. "I've got the cleaners round – they're replacing the carpet. Graham is staying with Jane."

"Where are you?" she asked. "A hotel, I'd imagine –"

There was silence, then he sighed. "I'm about to pull into the drive, actually."

"Oh," she said.

"Go to the window," Harry said. She did as he asked, and inhaled sharply when she saw the Rover turn down the last curve of the lane. "I didn't say which drive."

"Oh, Harry –"

"Just open the door for me," he said, and the phone went dead.

"Zoe," Ruth cooed, "Daddy's here – you want to see daddy?"

Zoe shrieked, "DAH!"

"Yes, daddy," Ruth agreed, going to the front door. She unlocked it and Harry breezed through. "Harry, I –"

She was taken aback when he kissed her soundly and whispered, "Time's run out, Ruth. We can't wait any longer."

She stood there, stunned, suddenly licking her lips. "You're… quite right," she whispered.

"Dah!" Zoe insisted, grabbing at his shirt collar. Harry took her from Ruth and gave her a big kiss. The baby laid her head on his shoulder, content – finally.

Ruth closed the front door and whispered, "I was wrong."

"I'm very glad you came to that conclusion," Harry said. "On your own. Before I got here."

"I can't do this – any of it – alone," she said.

"Damn straight," he agreed. "If you hadn't concluded that, I was intending on sweeping you off your feet and tying you to the bed till you listened to me."

She blushed and smiled. "What would you have tied me with?"

He gave her a Look. "One or more of the ties that you've made off with," he said dourly.

She flushed pink and her smile grew. "Ah, yes…"

"Ruth?"

"Hmm?"

"I want to retire here – with you."

She nodded and said, "I want that, too."

"Good thing we're still on the same page," he said softly.

She nodded and gave him a kiss. It was meant to be chaste but only took moments to become torrid.

END PART TWENTY-ONE