In Too Deep

(Chapter Twenty One: Out Of Control)

The next few weeks were especially hard on Olivia. She kept her secret deep inside her. She knew Elliot had a right to know, but any time she had tried she just couldn't find a way to break it to him. What would he think of her? Would he believe that she hadn't known? She couldn't deal with any of this now.

She had put together a nice little funeral service for Melissa Mathews and stood crying as they lowered her casket into the ground. Olivia felt horrible, because the loss of her friend was only part of the reason she was breaking down. Elliot had tried to be by her side and comfort her the best he could, but how could he be there for her if she never told him what she was going through?

She had began to shut herself off from everyone. And Elliot, the only one who bothered to get her to let him in, she seemed to be pushing away completely. She hadn't allowed him to stay with her or be alone with her. She was afraid to. Because he would want to talk and ask her questions and he would want answers. Answers she wasn't ready to give or to face herself.

To make things worse she was still off work because of her shoulder and being away from work gave her plenty of free time to sit around at home and think about everything that was so screwed up in her life.

Kathy and Elliot had several meetings with lawyers and were close to working out a custody agreement and his final court date was just weeks away. She should be happy for him, happy for them. She would finally be able to have him to herself. But now she only felt more afraid. Afraid that if he was around more he would force her to talk about it. About this horrible truth she held deep inside her and then he would know that she had lied to him all of this time.

She had never lied to him before now. If you could consider this a lie. Of course it was a lie. She knew the truth and she deliberately withheld it from him. He was going to hate her if he ever found out. He would assume she knew about the baby the entire time and hit it so she could go through with this undercover assignment. To think, she was on stage dancing and taking her clothes off in front of a hundred men a night while she was pregnant with Elliot's child. What if Elliot didn't believe it was his baby? If she would lie to him about a pregnancy, maybe she would lie to him about anything, everything. He would never trust her again.

Olivia took a deep breath and took a drink from her glass of wine, blew out the candles and climbed out of her bath. She wrapped herself in a robe and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She hated what she saw. A liar. A scared, pathetic, liar. She picked up the wine glass and splashed the wine onto her reflection then turned out the light and left the room.

She slipped on one of Elliot's shirts and a pair of boxers and went to the kitchen for a real drink. She slammed the cabinet doors around until she found something strong. Hundred proof vodka, that would have to work. She pulled out a shot glass and sat it on the counter. Nope, she thought to herself and grabbed a rock glass from the shelf and tossed in a couple of ice cubes. Normally she didn't like vodka with ice, but this had been in the cabinet since God knows when and wasn't cold at all. There, that would surely do the trick.

She took a sip from the glass then slammed it down on the counter empty. She picked up her phone from the counter and looked at it. No missed calls. Of course not. Nobody cares. She thought. Nobody but Elliot even remembers that she is in pain and he wouldn't dare call because she pushed him away from her. How could she be so stupid?

How the hell could she not have known she was pregnant? There had to be signs. The martini at the club that first night was too strong. Since when is any vodka too strong for her? And she was nauseous the next morning. DUH!!! And even her vomiting at the hospital. She had surgery before and never had that reaction to anesthesia.

Olivia groaned as her shoulder began to ache. The new pain medication the doctor had put her on was shit! She was only supposed to take one every four to six hours but to get any relief at all she had to take at least two exactly every four hours to the minute. And four at night or she was restless and achy all night and felt even worse the next morning.

She had told the doctor about being unable to sleep and he prescribed something to help. But one of those pills knocked her on her ass and she woke up feeling almost hung over the next day. Olivia took the lid of the bottle of pain pills and dropped four into her palm. She was getting some rest tonight. She filled the rock glass only half full this time as she popped the pills into her mouth and chased them with the icy drink. She twisted the cap back onto the bottle and walked to the sofa and turned on the television.

Elliot stood outside the apartment door knocking, but she didn't answer. She must be asleep he thought. He found his key on the ring and slid it into the lock as she jerked the door open.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Olivia turned and walked back to the couch.

"What took you so long?"

"I figured eventually you would remember you had a key and use it." She turned her head to look at him from over the back of the sofa. "Guess not."

Elliot smiled at her. She had been in a strange mood all week.

She pulled her knees to her chest and watched something on an infomercial on television.

"I brought some food," you haven't been grocery shopping in over a week."

"So."

"So? Liv, there is nothing in here," he said staring into the almost empty refrigerator. It's only contents being a bottle of vodka, six slices of cheese, a tub of butter and some condiments. "What were you planning on eating?"

"I eat when I get hungry. I'm a big girl Elliot, I can take care of my self."

"I know that. I just thought since it has been a while since we spent any time together, I could cook you dinner."

She ignored him.

"Or order in. Liv?"

"Yeah, sorry. Sounds good."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. I just haven't been sleeping much lately."

Elliot picked up the phone book and made his way to the couch to sit beside her. "So what are you in the mood for?"

"Anything really," she said with a yawn as she snuggled in to him and laid her head across his lap.

Elliot flipped through the phone book, "what about that new Chinese place?"

"Umm," she mumbled.

Elliot smiled and covered her with the blanket from the back of the sofa as he combed his fingers through her hair. "Liv?"

"Umm."

"Why don't you let me take you to bed?"

"Umm."

Elliot smiled at her and turned off the television. He raised her head and slid out from under her, then walked down the hall to turn down the bed. He returned to the living room and picked her up in his arms and carried her to bed. He walked to the kitchen to call in the order for their dinner.

As the phone rang he picked up her glass from the counter and took a drink thinking it was water. Elliot spit it out across the room almost choking and sat the glass back to the counter as he hung up the phone. He placed his hands against the counter coughing and choking and trying to catch his breath. He cleared his throat. "Damn Liv!" He said as something across the counter struck him odd.

A pill bottle was tipped on its side and some of the pills spilled out onto the counter. Elliot picked up the bottle and put the pills back inside then replaced the cap. He looked at the label before sitting the bottle back on the counter.

"Shit! Olivia!"

He ran down the hall to check on her. She was in a deep sleep and barely breathing. She must have gotten the pill bottles mixed up. Instead of her pain medication, she took the much stronger sleeping pills. Elliot raised her almost lifeless body from the bed and tapped her cheek, but she didn't respond.

"Damn it, Liv!"

He picked her up in is arms and ran down the stairs and slid her into his car as he flew the twelve blocks to the hospital.

"Come on, Liv! Olivia!" He shouted at her as he tapped his hand against her cheek praying he wasn't too late.

He carried her in and they rushed her back to a doctor. Elliot sat alone in the waiting room waiting for an answer.

"Detective Stabler?"

Elliot raised his head to see a woman stand beside him. Not the woman he wanted to see. "Is she okay?"

"She is resting. You can see her in a minute, first I need to get some information from you. The girl you brought in…."

"Is she okay?"

"Sir, we just pumped her stomach. The only contents were alcohol and two different prescription drugs. My guess is a suicide attempt."

Elliot turned his head to stare down the hall in the direction that had wheeled Liv away.

"Sir, I need a name!"

"Stabler, Elliot Stabler."

"No sir, her name. Do you know her name?"

Elliot rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. If he gave them her name they would realize she was a cop. If they realized she was a cop she would forever have a suicide attempt in her jacket and her career would be ruined.

"Detective Stabler?"

"Uhh. Mathews, Melissa. She is the girlfriend of a suspect in a case. I found her like this when I entered the residence."

"We'll need to fill out a report."

" No, that isn't necessary. I will do that myself. Is she going to be okay?"

"Detective Stabler, you just saved this girl's life. She is going to feel really bad tomorrow, but she'll make it. I'm going to call upstairs and see if they have a bed open."

"Where?"

"Psyche ward, Detective Stabler. She's a suicide, there is a 24 hour holding period."

"Wait, I need her for questioning. What if I took her? I can hold her in the drunk tank for the 24 hours. I'll make sure she's okay before I let her go. If there is any trouble I will bring her back here."

The woman just stared at him.

"We are over crowded and I need the bed." She looked down the hall toward the emergency room where they had wheeled Liv two hours earlier. "I need you to fill out some paperwork. You have to accept full responsibility for her. She is liable to be sick tomorrow and she'll want to sleep a lot. That is fine, but watch her close."

"Okay."

"She is down the hall first bed on the left if you want to go see her while I get the papers in order."

Elliot walked back to see her. Liv looked like hell. He couldn't help but wonder what the she was thinking. This wasn't like her at all. Surely there was some sort of explanation.

She stirred a little and he cupped his hand against the side of her face. He looked down as his eyes scanned over her body. They had her hand cuffed to the bed and the band on her wrist said Melissa Mathews. The dead girls name was the first one to pop into his head. He couldn't let this get out. At least not until he knew for sure what the hell was going on here.

The woman entered the area where he now sat with Liv and handed him a clipboard with papers to sign. Elliot signed her out then placed his suit jacket around her and carried her to the car. He took her back to the apartment and laid her gently in the bed as he sat beside her watching her sleep.

He brushed his fingers through her hair and gently kissed her lips. "I'm sorry baby," he whispered softly. "Whatever it is that you are having so much trouble trying to tell me, I'm sorry I have not listened better." Elliot kicked his shoes off and slid into the bed beside her. This was the first time he had really held her in months. She stirred and exhaled softly as she snuggled her face against him.

"I love you Olivia," he whispered against her ear. "I'm right here sweetheart."

"I love you," she mumbled softly but didn't open her eyes.

Elliot pulled the blankets up around them and just held her tight in his arms, refusing to let her go. He closed his eyes and thanked God once more for getting him to her in time.