Thanks to everyone who is still reading this, especially those of you who review to let me know what you like and what you question.
Mad love to Miss Marauder for her stellar Beta'ing. Thank you!
I still don't own it, in case that was keeping you up at night…
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~o0o~
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Chapter 21 – Reflections and Revelations
Emily is dreaming. Her alarm is not due to go off for another few hours. But right now, she lays restlessly, her face tense, her eyes shut tight. Her hands fist the sheets as her feet scrabble for purchase.
It is not a pleasant dream. It is also not the first time that she has had it.
It is one of several recurring dreams that have beset her since the depression set in. This one is in many ways the worst. It is a kaleidoscope of all the moments in her life that she wishes she could take back, the moments that she wishes she could do over. Each moment when she hurt someone, or let herself be pushed around, or felt lost, or small or ashamed flies by, with no sense of order and no way to predict which memory will assault her next.
Many of them, so many of them, revolve around Naomi, which may explain why this dream in particular seems to be most prevalent these days. But there is also the awful horror of Sophia's fall, and plentiful moments with Katie and Jenna and Mandy and Cook, and countless other moments of regret and pain.
It is not a pleasant dream, and Emily is struggling to wake up from it.
It is a mercy when the sound of her mobile jars her, just loud enough to rouse her, just unexpected enough to break her free from the nightmare's grip.
She is panting and sweating as she pulls upwards to wakefulness. It takes her a moment to ground herself, to realize where she is, and more importantly, where she is not. She can feel the dream slipping away, but its echoes remain to haunt her even as her eyes sharpen their focus in the artificial darkness of her room, and her heartbeat settles back into an easier rhythm.
She really hates that fucking dream. But she hates even more the way it leaves her feeling.
The sense of loss and regret that remains in its wake is debilitating, and it takes Emily a moment to collect herself enough to stumble to the bathroom. She takes care of the necessities, and then steps in front of the sink to splash cold water on her face. It is a valiant, but utterly ineffective attempt to dispel the ache the dream has left her with. She can see the lingering effects in the face that stares back at her from the mirror, in the shadowed eyes and the tense mouth. It is a reflection of the broken, shattered soul she used to be, of who she is trying so hard not to be any more. It is a reflection that she hopes one day to never see again.
She knows already from just these few moments of alertness that she will not be getting back to sleep anytime soon. And she knows that today is going to be one of the difficult days. This is yet another tipping point. She can either fall into the darkness and let it swallow her for the rest of the day, or she can fight it using the tools that she has learned, and try to keep the demons at bay.
It takes every ounce of willpower she has to decide not to give in. But she manages to win that fight, at least for the moment, and focuses on doing the things that she has learned over time will help her cope. The first is to breathe. It sounds so simple to say, but in the middle of one of these moments it can be almost impossible for her to do right. She has to fight the impulse to breathe too fast and too shallow, she has to consciously and intentionally fight the urge to hyperventilate.
She uses the trick that she was taught by Dr. Cochrane - that if she breathes in and out to the tune of Happy Birthday (of all god forsaken things), modulating each inhale and each exhale to a line of the song, then she can regulate her breathing. The effect of the deep, slow breaths and the need to focus on achieving them helps to calm her, and to centre her. Most often, by the time she has sung the song through in her head 5-6 times she feels better, more in control.
And so, she sits on the edge of her bed and she breathes, in and out, slowly and deeply, until she can think clearly again. It takes a little longer this time, because of the dream. But she gets there. And then she focuses on another tool in her coping toolbox. She gets ready to go for a run to help shake off some of the restlessness and anxiety that still lingers.
It takes almost no time at all for her to don her jogging attire and runners, and grab her iPhone and earbuds. She puts on a beany and scarf, as well as she descends the staircase to the pavement, but chucks them back inside the house when she steps outside. It is a true Spring day, and she can feel the warmth of the sun beating down as soon as she crosses the threshold. It has an immediate and positive effect on her, and Emily dares to hope that maybe, just maybe, she will be able to shake the gloom that has enveloped her.
She locks the door and then fires up her favourite play list and starts to run. It takes a few blocks to find her stride, and longer still to edge towards the sense of calm that she usually finds in the steady slap-slap of her feet on the ground. She has been following a different route since she ran into Naomi so unexpectedly in the park a few scant weeks ago, but today she decides that it is time to go back to her regular routine.
The park doesn't seem to scare her any more, not like Naomi still does in so many ways. The distress she associated with it after her encounters with Naomi there has lessened as their renewed connection has grown. And so it is with a smile - a small one to be sure, but genuine - that Emily turns right instead of left at the end of the road and points her feet towards her favourite running route. As she reaches the edge of the park she begins to feel the anxiety start to drop as her whirling thoughts slow down and the pressure that has been building in her since she first opened her eyes begins to wane. This is her place. She knows it inside and out and she loves it. She feels at home in this park, running the trails that she has run so many times before.
She is thankful for this, for the ability to find some semblance of peace through the simple repetition of putting one foot in front of the other even in the midst of the maelström that is her emotions. She just wishes that she could make this feeling last. But as she flies along the path past the trees so near to bud, she knows that this is a challenge that she will face again and again.
It is better now that she knows she does not have to face it alone - she has a good support team to lean on in Katie and Effy and Dr. Cochrane - and now that the meds have taken the worst of it away. But it gets to her sometimes, how it will never be completely gone, how she will never be completely rid of it. It gets to her, but she is more determined than ever to find a way not just to cope with it, but to flourish despite it. Because she is starting to understand that life still holds a lot of good in store for her, if only she can find a way to let herself accept it.
Emily kicks her pace up a notch with renewed determination as she rounds the final corner where she'll exit the park for the journey home. She feels better from the run, not quite optimistic, but definitely better. When she arrives home, she closes and locks the front door behind her and immediately starts peeling off her sweat-soaked clothes piece by piece, allowing them to fall where they may as she moves towards the bathroom and a much needed shower.
She notices, now, the heat of the water as it trickles down her bare skin and the stark contrast between it and the cool of the tiles behind her. She breathes in the rosemary and mint scent of the shampoo and the crisp clean smell of the simple ivory soap. She had lost the ability to take this kind of notice of her surroundings for a while, so lost in her own head that what was around her made almost no impression. But now, the ease with which she can focus on her senses and actually enjoy what she feels reminds her just how far she has come since the worst of what she thinks of as the "bad days". This simple indulgence of a hot shower after a long run warms and comforts her now, and she will never again take it for granted.
Her mood is much improved by the time she grabs her favourite red terry cloth towel and dries off. It is early, still well before she needs to head to the bakery to meet Naomi. As she picks out her clothes for the day, Emily contemplates pampering herself with an all-day breakfast at the near-by diner instead of munching her usual marmalade toast and tea standing by the kitchen counter. She has just about convinced herself that she should when she notices the red blinking light on her mobile. She assumes it is a message from Katie giving her the gears again for her latest imagined slight.
It isn't.
Emily's heart starts to pound as soon as she sees Naomi's number on the screen, whether from excitement or fear she is not entirely sure. She stands immobile in her matching red and white striped underwear, with her black skinny jeans struck half-way up her leg. Why would Naomi be texting her now? They aren't due to meet for a couple of hours yet.
She dries her hand on the towel that is tucked around her hair before swiping it across the screen to reveal the message.
Meet me early tonight? I want to see you.
The positive benefits of the run and the shower are wiped out in an instant as Emily feels her stomach plummet at the stark message. It is so abrupt, almost demanding. Her thoughts swirl as she wonders if it means that Naomi is angry with her. She wracks her brain to try to figure out what could have changed since they last saw each other. Was it because she played "Sorry" last night? Was that too much, too soon? Was Naomi not ready for that?
Emily knew she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up. She fucking knew it. She'd let her wishful thinking get the best of her common sense because of those damned cards. But Jesus what else was she supposed to think when Naomi went to all the trouble of bringing them to her? She is going to fucking kill Katie for putting ideas in her head about that.
Emily reads the message again, catching a different nuance this time. If Naomi was really upset, all she needed to say was "meet me early tonight." But she carried on to say, "I want to see you." And somehow, through the frenzy of Emily's negative thoughts a glimmer of positivity struggles to take hold. Emily talks to herself as she stares at the phone in her hand, reminding herself that she is okay, and trying to convince herself to relax. The message could mean anything. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. She needs to calm down and just answer.
Emily sinks down onto the edge of her bed. She starts and stops her return message several times, never quite finding a tone that she is comfortable with. Finally, she decides to take a minimalist approach, and hits send as soon as she has finished typing so that she cannot change her mind yet again.
Sure.
Despite her effort to be positive, Emily's heart hits her throat at the thought of being stuck inside the bakery tonight if Naomi does plan to end this dance that they have been doing. She immediately starts typing again, and sends a follow-up text before Naomi has a chance to respond to her first one.
How about a walk in the park?
It is the first place Emily thinks of, given how good it felt for her to be there during her run. It might help to be there again. It is a familiar place with good memories attached, and it is a place where she feels relatively safe.
Emily jumps, startled from her thoughts by the buzz of the phone in her hand.
Sounds lovely. Where shall we meet?
It takes only one more text exchange to confirm the corner where they will meet, and when, and then Emily is left to find a way to gather herself so that she can finish dressing and make her way to the appointed spot. Her doubts and fears still plague her, but Naomi's response that a walk together would be lovely gives her courage.
Emily is ready a good 20 minutes before she needs to leave to get to the park on time, but she cannot sit still. So, she bundles up against the dropping temperature and begins the short walk to the agreed upon meeting site. As expected, she arrives before Naomi. There is a weathered wooden bench a short distance up the trail and Emily moves to it to wait. She entertains (and distracts) herself by people watching over the next 10 minutes. She is so lost in the stories she is mentally crafting for each passer-by that she almost misses seeing Naomi waiting at the cross-walk to cross the street to enter the park. Naomi hasn't seen her yet, which gives Emily a moment to just look at her. Emily can't help but react to how stunning Naomi looks even in her mitts and matching plaid flannel scarf. This woman will always affect her, and, it seems obvious now, will always hold an attraction for her. God, even from such a distance Naomi's eyes blaze right into Emily's soul. That blue. That indescribably searing blue is all it takes to turn Emily's legs to jelly. And that scares Emily to her very bones.
She doesn't have time to dwell on that, however, as Naomi is crossing the street towards her, one hand raised in greeting as she notices Emily watching. Her other hand holds a cardboard coffee tray with two cups, and a white paper bag. Naomi looks almost shy as she stops in front of Emily, gesturing slightly with the items she is holding.
"I um… I brought hot chocolate and some muffins. I thought, uh… I thought it might be nice to have something warm."
Emily's eyes flick down to the package in Naomi's hands and then back up to those glorious blues. Her relief is immediate and complete. There is no way that Naomi would bring hot chocolate and pastries if the purpose of this meeting is to say good-bye. Emily cannot stop the huge smile that crosses her face at this revelation, and at the indisputable cuteness that Naomi presents when she is a little shy and unsure.
"That's lovely, Naomi. Thank you."
Naomi returns the smile in full when she hears those words, her own unease slipping away. She hands over one of the cups to Emily before they start walking, and watches fondly as the smaller woman takes a long sip. She has to turn away, though, when Emily slips her tongue out to lick a little foam off her upper lip. Naomi chooses not to contemplate her reaction, or the shiver that runs up her spine at the sight.
They wander aimlessly around the park, sharing small talk about the weather, the local news, and the latest football scandal. Just snippets of chat to bide the time as they enjoy the simple pleasure of being together without the burden of the weighty topics they have faced each time they met before. The colours of the sunset shimmer through the trees as the daylight begins to dim. They disappear all too soon as night descends, broken only by the street lamps that are spaced at intervals along the trail.
It is colder now, but neither woman speaks of it, both afraid to mention it in case it becomes a reason for them to part ways. They don't want to breach this bubble they find themselves in. The feeling between them is edged with uncertainty, but even so it is lighter, easier than it has been since they reconnected.
Eventually their steps lead them back to the little bridge. A quiet falls between them as they lean gently against the railing and watch the water tumble by.
It is Emily who breaks the silence.
"I love this spot."
Naomi looks to her right to where Emily is standing, and nods.
"I think it's the sound of the water that makes it. I love that sound."
They both return to watching the water flow, their thoughts turning back to the morning when they first met here. In some ways it seems a long time ago. It is hard to believe that it has been only a matter of a few weeks since they first stood here.
It is Emily again who pulls their thoughts back to the present.
"I never really thanked you."
Naomi's voice is gentle when she replies, "For what?"
Emily shifts a bit, turning towards where Naomi stands, and pushing a windblown strand of hair back behind her left ear.
"For coming back that day, when we met here… when you asked if I was alright."
"Ah. Well. You looked a little worse for wear, so…"
"Mmm. I was. Worse for wear, that is. I was a mess. I always knew how much I'd hurt you, but to see that pain written across your face…. When you came back to check on me, it meant everything, Naomi. That you would bother to do that for me after everything I had done to you. I didn't deserve that. But it meant so very much."
"Yeah. Well. We've got too much history for me to just leave you like that. I just wanted to be sure you'd be alright getting home."
It is obvious that Naomi is uncomfortable with this subject, as she scuffs her feet and turns her gaze up the path away from Emily. Emily smiles fondly at the predictable reaction. Naomi never was very good at accepting thanks, even from her.
"I know. But I also know that you had every right not to care whether I made it home or not that day and you did anyway. And I am grateful for that."
They watch the water again for a little while, before Emily breaks the silence between them once more.
"I wanted to ask you, would it be alright with you if I write to Gina, just to say thank you for the cards? I also wanted to thank you for bringing them to me. You didn't have to. I would have never known they even existed. But I am really glad you did."
Naomi turns her head towards Emily, thankful for the change in subject, but still uneasy with accepting thanks. She turns back into the railing, and looks down to the water rushing by below.
"I was happy to bring them. You two were too important to each other for me not to."
Emily mimics Naomi's posture at the rail, accepting that Naomi needs some level of separation between them right now.
"So, you are okay if I write to her then?"
Naomi finally looks back at Emily, trying to decide how she feels about that idea.
"Yeah. No problem. Just… do me a favour and don't tell her anything you haven't already told me, okay?"
Emily nods immediately as she responds. "That's fair. And I wouldn't, Naomi. I won't talk about you at all. I promise."
Naomi answers with a simple, "Okay then", and they both turn back just in time to see a couple of ducks swim by in search of illicit bread crumbs. No matter how many "do not feed the ducks" signs they post around the park someone is always willing to throw crumbs to the feathered inhabitants. Naomi and Emily laugh as the ducks spy a likely candidate in the distance and take off in a race to gobble down the soggy manna.
A quiet falls between the women again, but it is an easy one this time, the brief moment of tension broken by their shared laughter. It has been an evening filled with covert side-eye looks, and glances filled with lingering questions. But there is affection there, too. It is disconcerting for them both, to recognize that the closeness between them may still be there, but it also feels just a little bit like coming home. It is comforting, this familiarity, even though so much remains uncertain between them.
It's… nice. Really nice.
Unfortunately, the wind picks up as the night settles in. Naomi shivers at the chilling air and pulls her coat tighter around herself. As soon as Emily notices, she straightens up from the rail.
"We should get out of the cold."
Naomi starts to turn towards Emily to agree, but her foot slips on the damp wood of the bridge. She throws her hand out to grab the rail for balance, and her fingers brush, just barely, against Emily's as she does.
Their breaths hitch at the sensation. It's not even skin to skin as both are wearing gloves, but just knowing the contact is with the other is enough to send a spark between them.
Naomi pulls her hand back, with a muttered, "Sorry", just as Emily steps closer, arms lifted to stabilize Naomi if needed.
"I'm fine. Really. I just slipped a bit."
Emily lets her arms fall, and takes a small step backward out of Naomi's personal space to give them both a little room to breathe. They are both flustered, but Naomi valiantly tries to carry on as though unaffected.
"Well then. I suppose I should be going. Time to get out of the cold, and all. And uh… you probably have to get to the station, right?"
Emily pulls out her mobile from her back pocket to check the time. Naomi is right. She has just enough time to pick up something a bit more substantial to eat before she needs to be at work to finalize the show plan for the night.
"Um. Yeah, I do, actually."
"Right."
The parting is awkward and stilted and more than a little reluctant on both sides, although neither woman admits it. They are about to head their separate ways when Emily gathers all her courage and turns back to Naomi.
"Would you maybe like to have dinner somewhere tomorrow? Something simple. So we can maybe talk a little more. It's okay if you don't… it's just… this evening has been… kind of lovely, really, and I thought…"
Emily cuts herself off, feeling like an idiot. There is no way that Naomi will agree. She is just about to say, "never mind," when Naomi interjects.
"I'd like that. Only, I'm supposed to have dinner with Cook tomorrow. I haven't seen him in a while. But let me see if I can reschedule, okay?"
Emily's heart leaps at the positive response, and she babbles a little in her excitement and relief.
"Yeah. Sure. Of course. Just send me a text if you can make it. Otherwise, I guess I'll see you at the bakery the next night, right?"
"Yeah. Right. Okay, good night, Emily."
"Good night, Naomi."
They say nothing more, but there is a decided spring in each of their steps as they go their separate ways. And the warmth of even this little bit of time spent together without heartache and pain helps lessen the bite of the cold just a bit.
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~o0o~
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They would shake their heads if they could see each other now, as the clock ticks slowly towards 3 a.m.
They are mirror images, with Emily leaning forward over her microphone, speaking softly, and Naomi, nestled in at her home across town, leaning forward over her speakers to listen.
The first is choosing the songs that play and introducing them, and the other taking note of every word, every inflection and nuance, every lyric and refrain, parsing them all in a search for a message.
Both are nervous, both wondering. Both are thinking of the other.
Emily plays the song, and Naomi listens.
…And I know as time goes but we're never gonna pretend
Cause you and me will always be friends
And they both smile, the one knowing it is a message, and the other hoping.
They would shake their heads if they could see each other now.
And they'd be happy.
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~o0o~
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Naomi manages to rearrange her plans with Cook. He was understanding, but that didn't stop him from taking the piss, as could only be expected. She now owes him the first two rounds when they next get together. Penance, he said with a laugh, for ditching her best mate.
Naomi finds herself strangely nervous when she texts Emily to let her know. They decide quickly on a new Thai place that is supposed to have a decent selection of veggie fare. Naomi gets there first, and her first impression when she arrives is that the place is simple and inexpensive, but warm and welcoming. She is escorted to a booth near the back. When Emily has not arrived after five minutes or so, Naomi flags down the waitress and orders a Thai beer. When Emily has not arrived 10 minutes after that Naomi almost bolts at the thought that she has been stood up.
She should have known better, though. Emily was never the runner between them, and sure enough within a minute more she crashes through the front door of the restaurant, and immediately starts looking frantically around the room until she sees Naomi. Her smile of relief is returned by Naomi as she stands to welcome her. Emily waves off the hostess, pointing to Naomi and obviously indicating that they are together. Then she weaves her way through the other diners to the booth. As soon as she arrives, she begins to apologize for being late. She had a hard time finding a cab, and then the tosser driver managed to get them stuck in traffic.
Naomi shrugs it off, not wanting Emily to know just how close she was to bailing. There is an awkward moment once Emily has hung up her coat on the hook at end of the booth, as they try to figure out how to greet each other. Eventually, Naomi sits and gestures towards the seat opposite her, and Emily takes the hint to do the same.
They use the menus to cover the initial discomfort they feel, but by the time their orders are in, they are starting to relax. The whole meal should be awkward, or uncomfortable. But it's not. Maybe it is because of their walk the day before, but for whatever reason it seems pretty easy. It all feels quite familiar, and that fact isn't lost on either one of them. They start off with updates on Naomi's job search (nothing yet) and on Emily's plans to watch a new band on the weekend (a young group, but getting lots of buzz). They cover updates on their respective families, and what movies they've recently seen. They are finishing up the appetizers when Naomi bites the bullet and asks about the song.
"I was wondering… that Hedley song you played last night…"
The mood shifts instantly, and Naomi can tell by the blush that streaks across Emily's face that she is right, the song was a message to her. She feels the same mix of fear and excitement rush over her that Emily has been inciting since Naomi first knew she was back in London. Emily's discomfort at being asked about this most recent musical gesture is obvious and endearing.
"Um. Yeah. You mean "Friends", right? I guess I thought it kind of fit, after yesterday. At least, I was hoping…. I hope you didn't mind."
"No. No, I liked it. And I think I'd like to see if we can do that. I mean, to see if we can be friends. If you want, that is."
The discomfort is mutual now. It is silly, really, how nervous they are about the idea, and about talking about the idea, each for their own different reasons. It is silly because they have known each other for years. They know more about each other than probably anyone else on earth. And yet despite that they are indeed nervous, the both of them. And perhaps it is not so silly, deep down. Not when you consider that they have never actually been just friends. There has always been something more. And they both know it. But, Emily agrees nonetheless, grateful for the chance that Naomi is offering her.
The arrival of their entrees interrupts them, and they are both relieved at having a good reason to change the subject. They shift to lighter issues by unspoken, but mutual, agreement. Naomi regales Emily with her best Kieran stories, and Emily reciprocates with a few of the more recent pervy James stories. One in particular involving the Fitches' well-endowed, sunbathing-loving neighbour and James' efforts to find out if she has tan lines or not (an effort that culminated with him falling out of a tree and into a swimming pool) has the two of them practically collapsing from laughter. It feels like old times. Except they know it's not.
They are on the dessert course, each savouring a dish of green tea ice cream, when Naomi once again breaks the unspoken pact to stay away from heavy subjects.
"Can I ask you something?"
Emily can tell the question will be serious and probably unwelcome by the hesitation in Naomi's voice as she asks. She can feel herself tense, but nods her agreement anyway.
"It's about Sophia."
Emily practically seizes when she hears that name, and Naomi almost decides to drop it. They are having such a nice night, and she knows damn well this will change that. But Naomi pushes on, because she also knows that they need to talk about this at some point. It is too important to what happened between them not to.
"It's just that we never really talked about all that, you know? And it was pretty obvious that it was still on your mind before we split. I mean, you mentioned her when we fought, just before you left the house. And you mentioned her again the other night at the bakery. So, I've wondered… do you think you can forgive me for that?"
Emily shakes her head, frustrated by having to face the pain of this once again.
"What do you want me to say, Naomi? I was hurt. I trusted you, and you cheated. It broke my heart. After the shed, I mostly just tried to ignore the whole thing. But no, I never did find a way to forgive it or forget it. At least, not then."
Naomi is almost afraid to ask her next question, but she does.
"And now?"
Emily leans back in her seat, her appetite lost. She stares out the window as she speaks, while Naomi watches and listens.
"That's some of what I worked on while I was away. I had so much anger built up about it… I spent a lot of time trying to work through all of that. I kind of understand now, I think. I know you were scared back then. I know you weren't sure you wanted to be gay and you sure as hell weren't sure about being out. I get that. It was also easier for me to forgive you in some way once I knew that I was capable of hurting you, too. It would be pretty piss poor of me to want your forgiveness if I wasn't able to give you mine, wouldn't it?"
Emily turns back to Naomi, and waits until Naomi looks up at her. If she is going to say this, she wants to be sure that Naomi gets it, really gets it, so they don't have to go over this ground again.
"I have forgiven you Naomi. I can't say I've forgotten, or that I ever will. But I think I am at the point where I can understand why you cheated, and I can let it go."
Emily nervously sweeps some fallen rice kernels off her place mat. Then she asks the question that she has been afraid to ask for so long.
"What about you? Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?"
The question is followed by a long, nerve-shattering pause as Naomi tries to find the words to answer. It isn't easy when she isn't really sure what the answer is.
"I think, sometimes, that maybe I already have, at least a bit. But sometimes, if I'm honest, I think I'm not sure I ever really can."
Emily can feel the sting of tears in her eyes as she hears Naomi admit that they may never get past what she did to them. It is all that she can do to stay in her chair instead of running out of the restaurant. But Naomi isn't finished.
"I do understand better now, Emily. I hate what happened between us, with every fibre of my being I hate it. I hate what you went through, and I really hate what you did to me. But I can understand at least a bit now what led up to it, and how hard that time was for you. And that's a start, I think. I do believe you that you sincerely regret what happened. And I believe that you would not want to hurt me again if you could help it. So, yeah. I guess, maybe I could be able to forgive it one day. I hope so, anyway."
Emily wipes a tear off her cheek as she whispers her profound remorse.
"I do regret it, Naomi. and I don't ever want to hurt anyone like that again, especially you."
"So… that's progress, right?" Naomi offers a small, but honest smile along with her words, and manages to coax one from Emily in return.
"Right."
"Okay then." Naomi tries to find another topic, but this one has been grating on her, and she just can't let it go. "Gina and Effy have been picking at me about it, you know."
Emily raises an eyebrow in curiosity. "What do you mean?"
"About how I hurt you, too, before you ever hurt me. With the lake and with Sophia."
Emily is flabbergasted. She shakes her head as she responds. "It's not the same."
"It kind of is, though."
Naomi has been thinking about this all day, and the more she thinks about it the more she can see the point that Gina and Effy were trying to make. Emily is having none of it, though, and Naomi is taken aback at the forceful response her words evoke.
"No, it's not. It's really not. You hurt me because you were a fucked up kid, Naomi. I don't believe for a second that you ever consciously wanted to hurt me. But I did. In that moment, and on that night in Bristol, I wanted to hurt you. And I did a fucking good job of it."
Emily hates knowing what she did, and despite all the months of counseling she has not been able to reconcile the fact that she was capable of deliberately causing that much pain to the person she loves the most. Naomi can tell that Emily is truly distressed. She didn't mean to upset her so much by raising this subject tonight. She starts to reach across the table to take Emily's hand in her own, but Emily pulls away. She doesn't want to be comforted. Not now.
"That's what makes it different, Naomi. We both hurt each other, but mine was worse because I meant it. And it was worse because we'd been together so long. When you hurt me we were just starting out. We weren't so… how can I say this… invested in each other? When I hurt you, we'd been together for years. Fuck, we had a house together, we were supposed to have a future together… and, it's just…. God, what I did is just worse, Naomi. It just is. And I truly hope someday you can forgive me for it."
Emily's impassioned words are followed by a long pause as Naomi considers all that she has heard and as Emily tries to collect herself. Naomi understands what Emily is saying. It is, after all, what Naomi has been saying for years. But her certainty about being the most victimized, the most hard done by, has been shaken in the past few days. She has taken a good long look at her own past behaviour, and she is starting to acknowledge some hard, painful truths. She knows Emily us upset and probably doesn't want to hear it, but Naomi can't let it go without trying to explain what she has been thinking, and the insights she has finally, belatedly drawn.
"That morning at the lake, after our first time, how did you feel?"
Naomi's question takes Emily by surprise.
"What?"
"We never actually talked about it. Do you realize that? I came to your door that night and you told me you'd been crying so I knew that, I knew that you were hurting. But we never talked about that. We started talking about me, about what I was feeling. And I never… I never even asked you how you were. You held my hand through that bloody cat flap and you made me feel better when it should have been the other way around. I never even apologized for walking away and leaving you there that morning, do you realize that? I never once told you that I was sorry. I was such a navel-gazing prat back then. I can't imagine why on earth you ever put up with me."
Emily has been staring down at the table top for most of Naomi's rant, but she looks up from under her fringe when she hears the final question. Her words in reply are simple, and softly spoken, but they are powerful nonetheless.
"Because I loved you."
The quiet statement makes Naomi feel even worse as she remembers just how much she got away with because Emily had the fortune - good or bad - to fall in love with her. She thinks the time has come to take ownership of her actions. To, at the very least, own up to and share the full scope, the real scope, of what she has finally realized she did back then. Maybe it's too late, but Naomi cannot help but think it still matters.
"I knew it would hurt you, you know. Me leaving that morning. I knew it and I did it anyway. Jesus, I'd bloody slept with you. I kissed you, and I had sex with you, and then I let my fear overwhelm me and I left you lying there on the blankets to wake up alone. And I kept walking away from you even when you begged me to stop. And I need you to know, Emily, that I am sorry for that. I truly am."
Naomi is reliving her disgust with herself all over again. Emily is entirely still, not moving, not speaking, completely thrown by the turn in the conversation. She doesn't know what to say or how to help, so she just lets Naomi talk through her thoughts in her own way.
"Tell me, Emily, how is me choosing to walk way in order to protect myself, all the while knowing full well that it would break your heart any different from deliberately setting out to hurt you? Yeah, I was scared. Fucking freaked out of my mind, to put it mildly. But I hurt you, in a truly terrible way on what should have been a really happy day for us both, and I knew that I was doing it with every step that I took. And unlike you, I never even apologized for doing it until now. So, how does that make what I did less awful than what you did?"
Naomi has always known that she fucked up and hurt Emily when they were young. But she's never truly acknowledged that what she did on that cold morning by the lake was a choice, and that it was a devastating one for Emily. Until now. Emily cannot stop the tears that begin to cascade down her face. Her breath comes in short gasps as she tries not to audibly sob in this very public place. It is too much. The backlash of memories and emotions is way too much for her to be able to contain. But Naomi is still too lost in her own thoughts to notice. She is lost in reflections about her own actions, trying to look at them from Emily's perspective and with her own adult insights.
"And with Sophia… I made a choice there, too. I mean, I sure as hell hoped you'd never find out, but I made a choice to do it regardless, even though there was no way of knowing for sure that you wouldn't know. And when you did find out, when you started to understand, I lied to you. Right to your face in the middle of that football field, I lied to you."
There are tears in Naomi's eyes now, too. She has made excuses for her behaviour for so long that it is hard, really fucking, devastatingly hard to face the depth of her failings square on.
"I didn't do it to hurt you, Emily. I really didn't, I promise you that. I was just really fucked up and unsure and a total mess, and for some inexplicable reason it seemed like a good idea in the moment. But you see…the possibility that you would be hurt by it, really fucking hurt like you actually were… it was always there. I mean, I wasn't an idiot, was I? Cheating on someone is pretty much a foolproof way to fuck them up. I knew that. I knew it. And I did it anyway. So, again I have to ask, does the fact that I wasn't trying to hurt you really make it better when it was obvious that you would get hurt if it ever came out? 'Cause, God, Emily. Looking at it now, I'm not sure that it does. I'm not sure at all."
Naomi finally snaps out of her reverie when she hears a quiet sob from across the table. She looks over at Emily and is startled by how devastated Emily looks. There are tears streaming down her face and a look of anguish in her eyes. Naomi quickly switches seats so she can slip in beside Emily and she takes her shaking hand between her own.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Emily, are you alright. Jesus, please be alright!"
Emily struggles to control her emotions.
"It's okay. I'm okay. It's just… I don't know how… I mean, it's just overwhelming to hear you say all that. I hadn't realized how much it would mean to hear you say that."
Emily gives Naomi's hand a reassuring squeeze. She doesn't want Naomi feeling guilty about making her cry. And she can't leave this conversation as though what they have done to each other was somehow equal.
"You're wrong though, Naomi. What you did isn't the same as what I did. I can agree that it wasn't right and it wasn't fair. None of it was. And I cannot tell you how much it means to hear you say you are sorry for it all. But it doesn't compare to what I did. It doesn't. You were a kid, Naomi. A scared kid. And we were only just beginning. You had no reason to trust me back then. No reason to believe we had a future. But I did. I knew you, Naomi. I knew full well what we were building together and I still burnt it all down around us. But you have to know, Naomi… God, please believe me when I tell you that I will regret what I did to you until the day I die. Please believe that much at least."
Naomi disentangles their hands and reaches up to gently wipe the tears from Emily's face with her thumbs.
"I do believe it. And I regret what I did back then, too, Emily. I really wish I had been strong enough and brave enough not to hurt you."
Emily manages a weak smile, and nods to show that she has heard. Naomi fumbles in her pockets until she finds a clean tissue, and then she gently reaches up to wipe the tear tracks from Emily's face. Her touch is soft and light and it feels almost easy, to care for Emily this way. Almost like the old days. Almost.
When Emily's face is as clear as Naomi can make it, Naomi crumples the tissue in her hand and stuffs it in her pocket.
"How about we get you outside into some fresh air?"
"That would be good. Yeah."
Naomi flags down the waitress to pay the bill, and then slips out of the booth to make way for Emily. When they have both finished putting on their coats, Naomi reaches over hesitantly to untangle and smooth down Emily's collar before she follows Emily past the tables and out to the street.
There is another awkward moment as they exit the restaurant and step out onto the pavement. Neither really knows how to say good-bye any more than they knew how to say hello, especially given the emotional discussion they have had. Naomi gives in to her instincts and breaks the impasse by leaning in to give Emily a hug. It is quick and loose, but it is most definitely a hug, and Emily most definitely hugs back.
Before she lets go Naomi whispers in Emily's ear, "Thank you. For this. For asking me here tonight. And for your honesty."
She pulls back, but keeps a light hold on Emily's forearms.
"I think I'd like to do this again sometime….. Dinner, that is. Maybe with a little less angst if we can manage it. If you would be up for it. Maybe. Sometime…?"
After the distress Emily experienced tonight Naomi is not at all sure that she will agree. But, as always, Emily proves brave.
"I'd like that, I think."
Naomi nods, hiding her smile, and releases Emily's arms.
"Okay then. Good night, Emily."
"Good night, Naomi."
As they walk their separate ways once again, they both feel raw, as though old scars have been ripped wide open. But at the same time it feels like maybe they can both start to heal properly now. Maybe, just maybe, those old scars can fade, at least a little, now that they have been exposed to the fresh air, now that they are finally out in the light.
At least, they hope so.
And as they walk their separate ways, they both smile, the heaviness in their hearts that has been weighing them down for so long lessened, just slightly.
It isn't much, really, in the grand scheme of things.
But it's a start.
.
~o0o~
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Okay. So, based on previous reviews and PMs, I expect that the last part of this chapter is going to spark some serious debate. But I have always felt that Naomi got off easy for the shit she pulled at the lake, and definitely for the shit she pulled with Sophia (not to mention how she treated Sophia afterwards!) and I planned to address that in this fic from the beginning. If Emily has to face her shit, Naomi has to as well! Fair is fair, after all. I'd like to think that grown-up, barrister Naomi would be able to see her actions a little more clearly than teen-age, confused Naomi did at the time. Let me know if you agree or think I've got it all wrong. Either way… the progress continues!