I've been bombarded with PMs of readers begging me to post more often, just in the same week my co-writer and I decided to end our story after chapter 36 ( I just posted ch. 34 on Tumblr).
So, I desperately would like to know whether I should really post 3 times a week or stick with the current schedule of twice a week? I'm only asking this because I want you all to realise that three times a week would be mean that the story is going to end in four weeks time (instead of 6 to 7 weeks). It's your call, people! Let me know!
So, this chapter is a kind of a bonus chapter in which Darcy and Eric bond, and Four is being a not so nice person. BUT the most important thing is the introduction of a new character! Enjoy, review, tell me your thoughts, enjoy your weekend, and see you all on Monday xoxox
Riley
Days have gone by and I haven't spoken to Darcy. I've been making sure Melanie has been keeping up on her training and even attended some therapy sessions - aka attacking a punching bag until she feels better.
Melanie is sitting on the couch as I make some breakfast. She's going to go back to training today and I've posted a guard outside of the dormitory. Then I'll finally be able to have Darcy over for more than just a few minutes.
She never came back to talk to me. She must be hanging out with that Peter kid. I don't like him, but I'm not worried. I'm certain Darcy is settled on me, and I'm pretty settled on her. I wander into the dirty part of my mind thinking about her on her knees looking up at me. I had wanted so bad to just really… fuck her face. Though I prefer to kiss it as I'm inside her. She likes it when I do that. She doesn't say so, but I can tell.
The knock on the door brings me from my indecent reverie and I set the pan onto a different burner as I go to answer it. Darcy looks up at me for a second then her eyes fall quickly. "I was wondering if I could talk to Melanie," she says. I nod and let her in.
There's something wrong with her. I look at her and some how I can tell she hasn't been eating or sleeping. Melanie hugs her and starts talking about girl shit. What has she been doing? There are dark circles under her eyes.
"You want some breakfast, Darcy?" I ask.
"No, thank you. I'm not hungry." She says and turns back to Melanie.
They sit on the couch, Darcy is sitting with her back straight and is clearly uncomfortable. She smiles though.
"You got a phone?" Melanie chirps and she nods.
"Yeah, I thought you could give me your number." Darcy says handing the phone to Melanie. How'd she get a phone? Or when, I guess.
"I'll add all the numbers you need." Melanie says. "Ew, you only have Four's number." She laughs.
"Yeah." Darcy laughs and runs a hand through her hair. Why does she have Four's number?
"Melanie, food is ready." I set a plate out for her. The girls come over and sit at the breakfast bar. I lean against the counter holding my plate as I watch Darcy. She watches Melanie eat. She doesn't look well and she doesn't look at me. Perhaps she's sick.
I walk with the girls downstairs and notice Darcy walking strangely down the steps. She almost falls and then laughs and says that she's sore from training. She's fucking lying about something. I can feel it. Melanie splits from us and I turn and look at Darcy.
"What?" She looks up at me and folds her arms in that shielding way she has.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Plenty of things I guess," she mumbles.
"I mean why are you walking funny?" I snap.
"What are you talking about?" she whispers.
I look her in the eyes and maybe I'm just overthinking things. She could've just gotten hurt during training and I didn't notice. I haven't noticed her hardly at all for the past few days. I feel shitty for it. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah." She turns and starts down the hallway towards the training room. I watch her and only her as she trains and before I know it lunchtime is here.
"Wanna walk together?" I ask her and she looks up at me like she doesn't even know me.
"Huh? Uhm.. I'm not hungry," she says. "I'm just going to go hang out on the roof for a bit. See you later."
Something is definitely wrong. "Darcy, wait." She stops and turns back to me. "Come with me."
"Do I have to?" She asks.
"Yes." If I have to pull rank on her then I will. I need to know whats wrong. "We're going to get some lunch and go for a walk."
She is mad at me, I can tell by the way her green eyes burn into mine as I tell her this. I don't care if she's angry.
I grab a couple sandwiches from the kitchens while Darcy waits in the hallway. When I return to her I'm happy she didn't decide to run off. I would've found her anyway. I think I could find her if I was blindfolded in the dark. We leave the compound and head east.
"I'm sorry I've been so busy lately," I say.
"It's okay," she mumbles as she watches her feet with her hands in her sweater pockets. She's limping slightly.
"Here," I hand her the sandwiches, "Hop on." I crouch down and she is hesitant, but she lets me carry her.
As I hold onto her legs I can tell she's lost a little bit of weight. Has she not been eating at all? Her arms hang over my shoulders and she's humming something, probably lost in her thoughts.
"How far are we going?" Her voice is soft and I can't believe I've forgotten already how sweet it is.
"Not much further," I say. I'm taking her to the picnic spot my mother used to take me when I was little.
Another five minutes and we're there. It's a small grassy area with a couple trees. I let her down gently and take my coat off to spread it on the grass for us to sit. I pull her down to sit between my legs. She won't lean against me. I want her to, but I hear the smallest of groans escape her lips. Maybe she is sore from training. She crosses her legs and unwraps her sandwich and I wrap my arms around her middle.
"Riley, what's so special about this place?" she asks as she pulls the pickles from her sandwich.
"I used to come here with my mother," I whisper against her neck. She has a smell to her that makes my body want to hold tight to hers. I inhale deeply, closing my eyes and burying my face into her hair.
"Getting comfortable?" she asks distantly.
"Yep." I hadn't realized how stressed I've been now that I'm with her I'm completely relaxed.
"Riley…" she starts, but then seconds later shakes her head.
"What is it, love?"
"Nothing. Nevermind." I can feel her trembling. It's so faint.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"It's nothing." She takes a bite of her sandwich and I decide I'll try again in a little while. Maybe on our way back.
"Darcy, I want you to be mine," I say quietly.
She chews slowly and waiting for her to say something I feel like my lungs are going to shrivel up while I hold my breath. "I haven't had sex with anyone else," she says.
"That's not what I mean–Well, kind of it is, but what I mean is–"
"I know what you mean and I don't think it's a good idea." She looks at me over her shoulder.
"Why?"
"Because I'm an initiate. There are rules." She shakes her head.
"I am well aware of the rules."
"Then why don't you follow them?"
"Because I don't give a shit," I snap quietly. "I want you. Fuck the rules. It's not fair that Eric can have his cake and eat it too–"
"That is a horrible metaphor," she giggles. "And his cake is not talking to him right now. He scared his cake." She giggles harder.
I hug her tighter, "Fuck, you're adorable and I don't give a shit who knows how I feel. Say you'll be mine, Darcy."
She turns her head and I watch her eyes look away. "What's that sound?"
I listen and hear it too. I hold her sandwich as she gets up and looks around in the bushes nearby.
"Holy fuck," she gasps. "Oh my goodness… Riley!"
"What is it?" I ask as I watch her bend over. She stands up and I look at the puppy in her hands. Oh no.
"No." I shake my head as her eyes meet mine. "No, no, no! Put it back."
"Riley, look at him." She smiles, ignoring my order. "He's so tiny. He's hungry."
"So are the crows. Let them–"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence," she snaps while looking down at the furry thing.
"Darcy, where are you going to keep a puppy?" I ask.
"You can keep him for me, can't you?" She smiles as she brings it over. She lowers herself onto my lap and I look down at it between us. It's licking her fingers as it whines. "I promise I'll come over every day and teach him stuff and I'll help train him. Please, Riley?" How can I tell her no when she looks at me like that? I clench my jaw trying to keep my answer in.
"Fine," I mumble. "You come over every day after training and play with him. And if he pisses on the carpet I'm making you clean it."
"Deal," she squeals happily and hugs the puppy. "He is so precious. He needs a name."
I look down at him. He's a good looking pup. I'm trying to remember the breed he is. He looks like a German Shepherd. He's probably a mutt mix of it.
"I like Socks," Darcy whispers transfixed.
"Socks?" I look back at her, "He doesn't have any socks though, Darce."
"I don't care," she grins, shaking her head.
"How about ….Edgar."
"Edgar? No. That's–it's Socks, Riley." The puppy has started licking her face.
Socks. "Fine."
Fucking ridiculous name for a dog. She leans forward and kisses me suddenly. The puppy squirms between us as I grab her arms to keep her there for a little longer. She moans into my mouth and I feel a sharp pain in my forearm.
"Ah, little fucker…" I lean back and look at Socks then back to Darcy when she starts laughing. Laughing at me. I pull her back and stifle her laughter with my own lips. I don't care when he bites me again because Darcy's got one hand in my hair and I have my tongue in her mouth. "Be mine." I say between kisses. She shakes her head.
"I can't," she whispers. Fuck. No.
"No." I shake my head, "Darcy, don't–" She stands up off my lap and I fall back into the grass and cover my face with my hands. I could claw my eyes out right now. I want to kick my legs and scream like a toddler having a tantrum.
"Riley, we can't do that. We'd get in trouble–"
"We'd get in trouble if they knew I fucked you silly already!" I snap. "So just fucking be mine." I can feel that anger rising in me. The kind that scares me. And suddenly I understand Eric a tiny bit better.
"We should get back."
I stare upwards to the sky. I can't win this right now. "Okay..." I mumble.
She's completely engulfed by that furry runt. Like I don't even exist.
I don't exist. Not until she looks at me with that smile. I'm so fucked.
We get back to my apartment and I set a bowl of water down for Socks. She sets him down next to it and is petting him while he sniffs at the water. I walk into the bedroom and fall onto my bed.
"You okay?" I hear her at the doorway.
"Yeah," I say with my eyes closed. I feel her fall down on the bed next to me and I look over at her staring up at the ceiling.
"Darcy." I say and she looks at me. She must read the look on my face because she shakes her head gently.
"No."
"No." I scoff and roll my eyes as I sit up. For fucks sakes. "Yes," I snap. "You need to be mine."
"I don't need to do anything," she says as she sits up too. I stand up and look down at her.
"You want me." I point a finger at her. She has this desperation in her eyes.
"No–that's not... That isn't logical." She is starting to close in on herself. Pushing me out. "I can't–I'm not strong or brave. There are plenty of other women here that would be better–"
"Fuck off with that," I shout, taking a step towards her, trapping her on the edge of the bed. "You're so busy filling your own head with bullshit about yourself that you don't want to see the truth!"
"The truth!?" She screams at me. "What's the truth?! You fuck off with that." She pushes me to move and she stands up, turns from me and I grab the back of her shirt and yank her back to me. She pushes against my chest and she's right, she's not very strong. "Let me go," she growls up at me.
"No, I want you." I wrap my arms tight around her back and she cries out sharply instantly making me let go. She pushes away from me so hard she falls down still trying to get her breath. "What's wrong? What's happened?"
"Nothing," she whimpers and I grab her forearm pulling her back up. She fights me as I turn her and pull her shirt up. I feel sick.
"Riley, stop it!"
"What the fuck–who did this to you?" I shout. She shakes her head.
"No one," she cries and I make her face me.
"You better fucking tell me now," I growl inches from her face. She only cries more. "Darcy, fucking tell me–"
"Fuck off!" she screams and yanks her arm free.
"Are you doing it to yourself?!" I yell and it sounds more accusatory than questionable. There's a tugging at my pant leg and I look down at Socks growling at me. His claws clicking on the floor as he vehemently tries to protect her.
"Mind your own fucking business!" Darcy snaps at me, I grab at her arms and she pushes at me again. "Just–take care of Socks... I'll be back tomorrow."
She chokes back a sob and I'm utterly confused. She's hurting herself? How is she even doing that? I don't know how it's possible. She picks Socks up and gives him a hug before setting him back down and mumbling that she loves him. She'll love the fucking dog but not me. The door slams as she leaves.
Socks looks at me and I can't even be mad at him. He's a cute little shit.
"There's something wrong with our girl, mate," I whisper. I'm going to figure it out.
Darcy
I'm so fucking worked up right now it's hideous. I'm wiping at my cheeks to get rid of the tears when I see Eric talking to Four. Fucking Eric.
"Darcy," Eric greets me.
"Hi," I sniff.
"You alright?" Four asks.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"You've been crying." Four whispers and wraps his arm around my shoulders. What the fuck is he doing? Eric looks between us strangely and I blink hard. "See you later, Eric." Four says and leads me away. I can feel Eric staring at us as we walk down the hall.
"What are you doing, Four?" I ask as I try to push him away, but his arm tightens painfully.
"I'm being friendly." He growls. "So you should fucking accept it."
"I don't want to accept anything from you." I hiss. He glances over his shoulder before his arm comes to my neck and he pulls me close.
"Don't be mad at me, sparky." His breath is hot on my ear and makes me feel sick. "I'm getting a surprise ready for you." He says and I can seriously feel the blood drain from my face. Four lets go of me suddenly and I look down the hallways to see Eric coming.
"I need to talk to Darcy," Eric says and the way he holds his chin up tells Four to scram. Once Four is gone Eric looks down at me and I wait for him to talk.
"You're a nice person, right?" He asks.
"I don't know." I shrug.
"Well, you're Melanie's friend."
What the fuck is he getting at? "So?"
"So you can…" He nods like I'm supposed to fucking understand something. I look at him blankly.
"Are we playing charades or something?" I mumble.
"No." He snaps quietly. "You're going to fucking help me."
"Help you what?"
"Get her back."
"Uhm.. No. I'm not." I shake my head. "Not with that attitude." I fold my arms.
"I'm being nice."
"You're being an asshole." I say flatly. "Say please."
He sighs and drags a hand down his face. Curses me under his breath for about a minute, turns in a circle and then looks at me again.
"Please. Help me." He says sharply.
"I'll think about it." I say as I turn to leave.
"No. You don't get to." He grabs my arm and jerks me to a stop and I look up at him.
"I realize you're a leader, sir, but don't fucking touch me." I say quietly, "I give no shits about you. Or this place."
"You like Riley." Eric says.
"You can go fuck yourself." I whisper.
"So it's true then." He smirks and I would like to fucking hit him and see what he thinks about that.
"What the fuck would that matter?" I snap, "You think I need your help? Riley doesn't want a fucked up girl. Let me go. Let me fucking fall out of initiation and just let. me. be. alone. None of you people get that in your stupid heads. I don't like any of you." I can't stop talking, I'm just saying the meanest shit I can possibly think of. "You want her back? Why? So you can keep fucking it up? Get over it, you're fucking pathetic. People aren't meant to stay together." I yank my arm free and step around him and say over my shoulder, "The sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner you'll be better off. Stop relying on other people."
I… really can't believe I just let that all out. Shit. I sense Eric following me and I look over my shoulder at him. I wonder if I can outrun him. Melanie outran him….kinda. He looks angry and before I even think about it I take off. I'm sick of people bossing me around. Telling me what I can and cannot do. Oh Darcy stop running away. Darcy stop setting the neighbor's trashcan on fire. Darcy do this. Darcy do that. Bad Darcy. Bad Darcy. I realize the path I'm taking just as I hit the doors. It's the same way Melanie ran away from Eric.
"Darcy!" He snaps behind me and I jump the rail as soon as I reach it. I'm running for the tracks. I see the noon train coming fast and I know I can beat it. Melanie's never been chased before when her life depended on it and I've done it so many times that it's almost boring. "Darcy stop!"
He's nothing but a leader. A leader is just a person. The train whistle fills my ears as it gets closer and I get closer and I am just dying for it to hit me. Come on. I run and jump just as I hear Eric yell my name. I'm across the tracks feeling the wind of the train rushing inches from my back. And as soon as it passes I'm gone. I'm out of his sight. I'm already half way down the street. I run for minutes. The pain is nullified by the small amount of adrenaline within me.
Eventually I have to stop and catch my breath. I hate it here.
"Are you done?"
"Oh for fucks sakes, man!" I throw my arms up. I look behind me at Eric. He's breathing heavily.
"You thought I'd just let you get away?" He sneers. "You're horrible at evasion."
"You're horrible at a number of things." I quip quietly and walk into the broken building, my shoes crunching the glass as I go. I start up the damaged stairs.
"Where are you going?" He asks.
"That's not something you really care about." I mumble as I skip a missing step and start up the next flight.
"Why are you going up there?"
I don't answer him. I'm so tired of talking so I let the silence and the sound of our footsteps fill the void for a couple minutes.
"Did you know that Four lied to you twice in the hallway? I don't know what you guys were talking about, but he lied to you. He lies a lot just so you know."
"Does he?" Eric is concentrating on where he steps. I stop at the top of the fourth flight of stairs and look at him.
"I don't want to help you." I say and he looks up at me. "But Melanie is my friend–"
"Then you'll convince her to take me back?"
"No." I snort. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"A lot of things."
I stare at him for a moment and then shake my head. Weird. "Look, you're the only one that can convince her to do that."
"I don't know how to do that anymore. I don't know how to get her to not be afraid of me."
"Everyone is afraid of you. Well… almost everyone." I mumble. Eric looks away from me and shakes his head.
"Melanie has never been scared of me before. I really fucked up."
"Yeah, you did." I nod.
"Will you shut up?" He growls.
"What, you want me to talk, you don't want me to talk. You need to make up your mind." I say. I turn and go up another flight of stairs. He'll follow. The next flight is too damaged to even dare it. We walk out into the level and look down at the street below.
"You love her, right?" I whisper as he steps up beside me.
"Yeah."
"Okay." I nod numbly.
"Okay you'll help me?"
"Yeah, whatever." I mumble. "Talk about her."
Eric starts talking and I just listen. Even when I should've been back to training about an hour ago. He's still talking, but he's dwindling away with his words.
We're sitting against the wall throwing chips of glass as we talk back and forth. The conversation sways from subject to subject.
"They say you came in second behind Four." I toss a piece of glass in the pile we've formed.
"Yeah. I'm still angry about it."
"But you're a leader." I shake my head.
"Well… Four didn't want it."
"I don't believe anything you say even when you do tell the truth. When anyone tells the truth. You want to believe you lost to Four." I say quietly. "That's okay. But you know you could've beat him and I can see it in your eyes."
Eric looks away from me. "I've made you uncomfortable." I whisper, "Good. Now you know how everyone else feels when you look at them. You came in second on purpose. You know that the man least remembered is the most dangerous. But you're hardly forgettable. You should look at the one that didn't take the leadership role."
"What are you saying?"
"Nothing. I'm not saying anything." I'm trying to tell you that Four is a fucking weirdo, man. My phone starts ringing and it makes me jump. I look down at it. Melanie. Sheee-it.
"Hey Melanie." I say, Eric's eyes come back to mine.
"Where are you?"
"I'm.. I got in trouble. For… something."
"Well I need to see you." She says.
"Yeah. Okay. I'll be there soon." I end the call. "I have to go listen to her cry more." I close my eyes. "That sounded rude. She needs me is what I mean."
"I'll walk you back."
"Please don't." I shake my head, "I don't want to be seen with you."
"That's rude."
"Yeah it is." I shrug and get to my feet.
Melanie and I are in the cafeteria sitting at one of the tables. It's just us. She seems like she's in a better mood. Not crying anymore. She's telling me about the fight she got in at lunch.
"I just can't stand people that talk shit like that." She shakes her head and I nod quietly in agreement. "Where were you at lunch?"
"Huh? Oh, I was… I wasn't hungry." I smile weakly and find it hard to swallow without feeling a lump in my throat. I think about Socks and I consider telling her but then I'd have to explain Riley and …me.
"I'm so done with crying. I'm over it, you know?"
"Hm." I nod and tap the top of the water bottle in front of me. I hope Socks is doing alright.
"Have you talked to Riley lately? Like had an actual conversation with him?"
"N-no, I've been so busy training. And besides he's busy doing… whatever." I shrug.
"Or whoever." she rolls her eyes and I look at her. Her eyes flit to me. "Sorry that just fell out."
"What do you mean?" I ask trying to sound aloof and disinterested.
"I don't know.. Everyone thought he was gay but now everyone is saying there's a girl, but no one has caught a glimpse of her yet," Melanie mumbles.
Butterflies. Is that what they're called? That fluttery movement in one's stomach. I've never felt it before Riley. Not even blowing stuff up gives me excitement like he does. I want so badly to tell this to Melanie. I want to be happy like her and… shit.
"Darcy," I look up to see Riley at the door, "We need to go to your class."
"Noooo." I let my forehead thump to the table top. "I don't want to." I whine.
"You have to." Riley says as he approaches the table.
"You can't make me." I say with my head still down.
"I can actually. But I could just as easily carry you there."
I pop back up, "Alright, I'm coming." I chirp. Melanie smiles at me and I raise an eyebrow. She's insinuating again. "I'll text you later, Mel."
"Yeah, yeah."
I sit down in a desk and fold my arms, ready for a nap. My mind wanders to Socks as the others talk about their 'issues'. Boring shit. Until… Riley starts talking.
"I haven't had to take one of these classes in years, but I thought I'd talk tonight." He smiles around at everyone. Jolly big bear, he is. "The first time I was 'forced' to come to one of these classes I was fifteen. Essentially it was for anger but then it turned into general therapy. I was pretty angry, yeah, but I was really lost and the anger was the only thing I could come back to."
"Why were you angry, Riley?" The lady asks, I still don't remember her name.
"Well, my mother had just died and my father had turned to drinking as a coping mechanism. He was always an asshole and abusive but it went from verbal to physical." Riley says it so easily and I'm hoping my mouth isn't hanging open like a turkey in the rain. "He was such an old grouch," He chuckles, "He'd hit and kick ya when you were down. Called me worthless all the time. Said I'd never amount to anything. But, look at me." He laughs as he shrugs.
"You've come a long way." She smiles and then turns to me. "Darcy, do you want to say anything this time?"
I look down at my hands on the desk. "I…" I don't know. "I guess.. that I don't really understand what the fuck is wrong with parents." That is not what I want to say. "I mean. They have this position that they fucking created themselves and then they slack off. Or they just disappear." I shake my head, "I don't want to do that…"
"You mean you want to be a good mother–"
"No, I don't want to be a mother at all. I don't want anyone to rely on me because I know I'll let them down. And they'll leave… or I will." I shrug. I can't look at Riley, he's staring at me and I can only stare down at my hands.
"Relationships are a two way street, Darcy." I look up at the guy with the tattoo on his face, I seriously should've paid attention when they said their names the first time. "You can't always try to be the perfect one. You'll only let yourself down. But if someone loves you then they won't see that imperfection, they'll see you as a whole. They'll love you as a whole."
"Then why do people leave?" I ask quietly. "Why would someone leave without a single word to his kids?"
"Sometimes people leave because they need to save themselves." Face tattoo says. "Sometimes you gotta. When a situation gets so unhealthy, you just walk away. Trust me the easy part is making the decision. The hardest part is walking away. When I chose Dauntless, I was leaving my life behind in Abnegation. Not because I was selfish but because I was trying to fill a role I couldn't. I was trying to be something I could never truly transform into. My parents didn't visit me and they didn't let my little brother visit either. It's been ten years and I don't know them anymore but I'm happier here than I ever was there because I got away from things my father would say to me."
His words are very insightful but unfortunately they don't make me feel better. I look down at my hands again, I have nothing more to say.
A girl talks for a little bit and I'm not listening. I don't care. I want to leave. Riley is still fucking staring at me and I wish he would stop. When the class ends I walk out of the room and start down the hall. Riley, of course, with his long fucking legs has no problem catching up with me. "Come see Socks for a little bit." He says.
"Okay." I mumble. I still don't want to look at him. We go to his apartment and I sit on the living room floor playing with Socks. He's so adorable. He's just a happy little fluffy thing and doesn't have a care in the world. I grab the old shirt Riley has tied into a knot for him and we play tug o' war. His little growl is precious and fierce, he believes he is a big dog. I love him so much. After twenty minutes of vigorous play he tires of the shirt and crawls into my lap. He presses his nose against my leg and snorts a couple times before yawning and putting his head down. I pet him until he falls asleep. I scoop him up and take him into the bedroom and lay him on the mattress. He's out for the count.
I come back into the living room and Riley is lounging on the couch. He looks like he's had a long day and I guess he has. I must be hard to deal with. He nods for me to come over and I sit on the couch at the far end from him. "I think he'll be out for a while." I smile.
Riley raises the bottle of beer to his lips as his eyes are trained on me and he takes a long drink. When he takes the bottle away he nods, "Okay." I feel like he's mad at me. I don't want him mad at me.
"Riley, I'm sorry I blew up at you earlier today." I whisper.
He shrugs and looks away disinterested. Shit.
"I'll go." I mumble.
"I didn't say go." He says. "Hang out for a bit."
I stay on the couch and watch him. He says stay but I feel like I shouldn't. I feel like I've bothered him enough today. Riley sets the bottle on the coffee table and reaches over grabbing my forearm. He pulls me over effortlessly into his lap and cradles me in his arms. I stare up at him as he brushes my hair back behind my ear. He lifts his arm to bring me closer to his face. His nose touches mine. He's going to kiss me and I feel those butterflies again.
A loud squeaky whine comes from the bedroom and I hurry, fumbling to get off his lap. I go into the bedroom and pet Socks' back as he looks around sleepily.
"It's okay, buddy." I whisper. "I'm here." After a couple minutes he falls back asleep and I walk back to the living room. Riley has his arms folded, his head on the back of the couch and he's glaring up at the ceiling.
I sit on the floor in front of him and lean over the couch, into his lap. He lifts his head and stares down at me with a glossy gaze. I can see his shoulders are tense and the look in his eyes is edgy. I run my hands up his legs slowly and hear him take a ragged breath when I reach his fly. I can already see him getting aroused through his pants. I've noticed it happens quite fast. I don't know about other guys but Riley seems to be hard in seconds. I stifle the giggle and pull the button loose.
I can't take my clothes off because he'd see the bruises and marks and I don't want him to ask more questions. I'm tired of fighting, so I'll just do this for him.
Riley tangles his fingers into my hair and I let him have a little control but I like the sounds he makes when I don't just let him go wild. Kind of a suffering breath, as if he's about to say something but he can't figure out what he wants to say. For a little while I get to make Riley speechless, minutes of quiet moans and him biting his lip. He curses a couple times and I see his head fall back.
"Oh–gh–dh-j… mm…" his fingers tighten in my hair and he groans, "D-darcy…baby–fuck–"
"Hmm?"
"Ahh."
I think he's trying to tell me he's getting close. I touch his hands with mine letting him know he can go for it.
He has this look on his face. He's had it for about five minutes. I come out of the bedroom from checking on Socks, he's still sleeping where I left him. And Riley still has this look on his face. Like he's… filled with wonder and delight. In a Riley sort of way though. So, slightly grumpy but content.
"Darcy." He says without looking at me.
"Yeah, Riley?" I look around for my sweater.
"I love you."
"That good, huh?" I laugh lightly and where the fuck is my sweater? I check under the coffee table. Did Socks drag it off somewhere?
"Darcy," Riley says again and I 'hm', "Darcy look at me." I turn and look at him. He's leaning forward with a serious look in his eyes. "I love you."
Oh. He's serious. "Do you love me?"
That makes it easier. "Yes." I say quietly. I almost ask if I can look for my sweater now, but I don't.
"You do?" His eyes widen.
"You think I do that for just anyone?" I mumble. I feel like I should be blushing but for some reason it doesn't happen.
"You love me." He leans back again and stares up at me. I sigh.
"I need to get back to the dorm." I say as I turn back to continue looking for my fucking sweater. It's already past curfew. I shake my head, "If you find my sweater will you let me know?"
"Yeah, let me walk you back." He stands up.
"No, it's alright." I say as we walk to the door. His hand slides into mine and I look down at it. If… if I do this and he's happy and I'm happy and we never grow unhappy with each other then what? I don't know how those things go. He stops me before I open the door and pulls me into his arms.
"I love you." He whispers.
I struggle to get it out, "I… I know you do."
"Don't worry. Say it when you're ready." He whispers.
"Just ask me."
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Okay." He smiles and kisses me, I guess he doesn't care where my mouth has been. His smile is the warmest I've ever seen as I leave. "See you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow."
I walk back slowly and just as I get to the dormitory door I look to my right and almost scream. It gets caught in my throat. Four is standing there. Arms folded. Shadows for eyes.
"You're doing something you shouldn't be, aren't you?" He whispers. I really… really wish I would have let Riley walk me back.
"What I do is none of your business, Four." I try to square my shoulders, "And what Eric does isn't either."
I don't regret my words. Not even when he drags me away.
Morning training was a nightmare. Sitting at lunch was a nightmare. Afternoon training is just about the same level of nightmare. I stand bitterly, my body is shaking like it's cold but I honestly can't get my nerves to stop. It's like they're on vibrate and the switch is broken. Every move I make is a new, fresh searing burn on my legs. I throw a knife and it misses. Clatters to the floor and I move stiffly to grab another, my fingers fumble to hold it. Shit. I swallow hard and try in earnest to get my body to stop trembling.
"You almost had that one." Peter laughs as he hugs me from behind. I can't stop the small cry of pain that escapes my lips and he steps around to look at me. "What's wrong?"
"N-nothing.." I gasp. "I slipped yesterday and… hurt myself."
He holds me at arms length and is studying my face, I hold onto my lie like a rope and pray he doesn't dig further.
"You promise?" he whispers and I nod. I hate lying to Peter.
"Peter, back to knives." Four snaps from across the room. Peter looks at me once more before walking away. I lean against the table and stare down at the blades in front of me.
"Look at him." I hear Christina and look at her as she nods for Tris to look over and I see them staring at Eric as he's talking to Four. "He's a total babe."
"He's alright." Tris mumbles.
"Are you kidding? He's hot."
I don't know why I say it. Temporary loss of sanity from the massive belt whipping I took last night.
"That's what everybody says about Eric." Both of them turn and look at me. "I'm just saying… You know like 'oh look there's Eric, he's so hot' is just.. it's kind of demeaning. Maybe Eric wants to be called …beautiful for once. Huh? How about that? You should try it." I am nearly shouting, "He's not just a fucking piece of meat." I throw my hands up, "You can't just-just say oh wow look let's–let's fucking stare at him all.. all fucking day! He has a brain you know. He has thoughts and ideas. He's really smart."
"Is there a problem here?"
I freeze up as I feel myself bump into him. Yes. Eric. I turn around and look up at him.
"No– You're beautiful." I blurt out. For fucks sakes! I close my eyes. "I mean... I was just telling them…"
"That I'm beautiful."
"Very. Pretty," I nod and stare down at his boots. This is not okay. When I dare to look up again he's staring at me. No emotions. As per usual. Thank the gods.
"Right." He he says quietly, then even quieter he speaks and his lips barely move, "I need to talk to you after dinner."
"Yes, sir." I mumble.
"Get back to training." He looks over my head and turns away. I turn back to the knives on the table and wish I could just fucking stab myself in the leg with one because I honestly think it would actually help me feel better.
The pain is immense and it interferes with any appetite I have so I don't eat much. I can only just sit there while Melanie is talking with Uriah and Peter about something. I'm not sure what about. I've been staring at the same potato slice for about ten minutes. I leave my tray and try to get up as smoothly as I can so I don't attract attention.
I'm on my way to go to Riley's to play with Socks when my phone beeps and I look down at Eric's name. I sigh and turn around to head back. I walk into the training room. Everyone is gone.
"I can't eat. I can't go in the cafeteria," Eric says and I see him sitting on the floor with his back against the wall.
"Why?"
"I'm not hungry. All I can think of is Melanie."
"You need to think about something else." And I need some ice to put down my pants.
"I want to at least talk to her." He says. "But I don't think I can even approach her."
"Probably not a good idea just yet." I step over to the wall and slide down the floor holding back the groans that want to escape my lips as I feel the stiffness in my legs. "But, if you were to talk to her what would you–" I gasp, "Say?" I groan and Eric looks at me and I smile like I'm just sore and not fucking internally dying.
"I don't know." He shakes his head.
"Okay. Pretend I'm Melanie." I whisper as I close my eyes. My back really fucking hurts.
"Pretend you're Melanie?"
"Yep. I'll even reply."
"What do I say?"
"Whatever you want," I toss a hand up, "Hit me with your best shot."
"I love you."
"I hate you. You scared me," I say flatly.
"I didn't mean to scare you. And I didn't mean to hurt you either."
"Why did you hurt me?" I ask. I think I might fall asleep.
"Because I love you so much."
"That doesn't make sense, Eric."
"But it's true. I just want you," he sighs.
"Well, you can't have me right now."
"Darcy what if she…"
I open my eyes and turn my head to look at him. "Hm?"
"What if she falls in love with someone else?"
"She won't," I say firmly. My phone beeps in my hand and I look down at it to see Riley's name. Something about Socks. I rigidly get to my feet. "Okay, just don't… stress about this. I have to go. I'm sorry."
I get to Riley's apartment and he opens the door glaring at me.
"What?" I ask.
He opens the door and I look around at all the trash. The trashcan has been pulled over and Socks is sitting watching us with something sticky all over his fur. My laughter is painful and Riley doesn't think it's funny, but it's hilarious. It is so wonderfully funny.
I help him clean up and I pop Socks into the bathtub and scrub him down. He loves the water. I wrap him in a towel and carry him into the living room. "Here you go." I smile at Socks, "You can go sit with your daddy." I whisper. "He'll dry you off." I kiss his furry snout and look at Riley"I'll see you tomorrow." I say. He's staring at me. "What?"
"Is he our baby?" He asks.
"What–uh no, I–I just meant that…" This is embarrassing. I can feel my cheeks heat up. "I have to go." I give him Socks and leave.
It's twenty minutes to curfew when I get a call from Eric.
"Darcy…" His voice is small and suffering. Is this Eric? I look at my phone and see his name. "I can't do this…"
"Where are you?" I turn in a circle trying to think of where he'd be.
"The roof." I think he…just sobbed. Shit! The call ends and I turn around in a hurry and bolt for the stairwell. Shit! Shit!
I trip running up the stairs. "AGH! Double… shit.." I pull myself up by the rail and force my legs to move. I break through the door and see him hunched over the ledge.
"Dibs!" I shout. "You can't today. NO… this–this is my day!" I shout as I'm bent over trying to catch my breath. I look at him staring at me, "It'll be weird if we both…. jump…" I shake my head, good god I think my leg is bleeding. "Oh fuck…" I gasp trying to get a deep breath.
Four flights of stairs in under…what.. three minutes? Not bad. I might be dying, but not bad.
"I'm not jumping." He says hoarsely.
"Oh thank god." I inhale deeply through my nose. "Because I was not feeling fully committed to what I just said."
"You ran up here because you thought I was going to jump?" He laughs surprised.
"Don't fucking laugh at me." I point weakly. "I tripped too."
He laughs for a few seconds more, but then it chokes off and I look up at him. He's staring at his feet.
"She won't even look at me, Darcy," he says.
"What?"
"I said hi to her and she just passed me by."
"She didn't look at you," I say. "That's okay."
"It's not okay!" he snaps. "She is looking at Jace. She's looking at Uriah. She's looking at Gabe–"
"Gabe is her cousin so…" I teeter my head side to side and he glares at me.
"That's besides the point." He shakes his head, "I want her to look at me."
"She will. Eventually." The poor bastard. He is not in a good place, if he's ever been in one. "You can't get mad about it though."
"I want to kill that Jace kid. I want to–"
"Hold up!" I raise a hand. "Jace isn't the problem here. Your anger is. Why are you so bent on Melanie?"
"Because I love her!" he yells.
"I know you love her, but why?"
"Why?" he looks at me like he doesn't understand the question. "She… she is..."
"Take a minute to think about it," I shrug.
He's quiet for a minute, and I stare at him as he looks at the ground and his eyes wander around a bit. "She's funny. She makes me feel accepted," he whispers. "She's beautiful and fucking knows how to push my buttons."
"When you think of her. What comes to mind?" I ask. I want to sit down my knees hurt. Hell, my everything hurts.
"Cake and mistletoe and family dinners," he chuckles.
Okay I need to sit down. I wave a hand for him to continue as I lower myself to the ground. I pull my phone out when he isn't looking and push the record button.
"She is like all the seasons wrapped in one," he says gently. "She is fresh like spring and energetic like summer nights." He sits down and stares upward at the stars. I'd look too, but my neck hurts so I settle for a nice view of the gravel by my shoe. "She reminds me of the colors in autumn and when she laughs... I don't think I've ever heard anything like it."
"Contagious," I whisper.
"Yeah, contagious. When I see her it's like watching snow fall. She's graceful and so certain of herself and… and I've ruined that."
"No, you haven't," I whisper.
"I feel like I have. I've let the only person that matters to me down. There's nothing I can do to change that," he sighs. I stop the recording on my phone and tuck it in my sweater pocket.
"My father used to tell me that if I changed the way I look at things, the things I look at change. I've tried so hard to look at things differently, but they always stay the same," I whisper. "When I stopped looking at things completely is when I got in trouble." Eric is staring at me. "Sorry.. I–I didn't mean to start talking about myself. Thoughtlessness."
"I suppose listening to others talk about themselves is part of being kind," he mumbles.
"It is. But, you don't have to listen to me," I laugh gently and mumble, "No one else does. Tell me more about Melanie."
Eric goes on for a while and I lose track of time listening to him talk about her.
He really loves her. It's almost sick.
I laugh at funny stories he tells me like that time she burnt a cake. He talks excitedly about one Christmas and even has a shimmer in his eyes when he tells me about how he feels when he kisses her. I can't help but smile because he's full of happiness. At least until he falls into the slump again. I pick up a pebble and throw it weakly. it hits him in the shoulder and his eyes come up to mine.
"You're doing good," I say tiredly. "But I think I should get to the dorm. We've been talking for a couple hours now and I was supposed to go to bed a while ago."
"Shit." He gets to his feet and surprisingly rushes over to help me up. His hand is warm while mine is freezing. My fingers are stiff.
"Th–thank you." I stammer out of habit as he pulls me up. IT ALL FUCKING HURTS. I bite my lip as my eyes water and a small noise is muffled in my mouth.
"You okay?" He asks. I smile with pursed lips and nod.
"Mmhmm." I blink hard trying to push the stinging back down. "I'm good." I whisper roughly.
He clears his throat and I pull my hand out of his. I should move now. Any second. Yep. Okay... now. I turn and take my steps slowly, testing the waters. I'm alright I think. "Goodnight, sir." I pull the door open and don't glance back at him.
Two days later I find myself limping up the stairwell. I have to stop a couple times to catch my breath. Four used me as dummy today to show how to effectively throw someone smaller and weaker than you across the mat and listen to her curse proficiently for two minutes straight while grasping her hip.
I get to the hallway and find that I have to actually bend over, hands on my knees to get a breath. Shit, he hates me. I can't believe I'm this tired. I give myself a few minutes before I go to Riley's door and knock on it.
The door opens and I giggle at the disheveled look on Riley's face, but I see Melanie and my laughter get's caught in my throat. She's holding Socks. I look back at Riley and Melanie starts laughing.
"She'll help with Socks." Riley sighs I enter. Melanie lets Socks down and he runs over to me excitedly. I kneel down and some how keep my scream at bay.
"Hi, my baby." I smile and pick Socks up, he's licking my face and it's the best part of my day, "Miss me?" I giggle. His fur is so comforting to me.
"Darce," Riley says, " He pissed the bed last night. He needs his own."
"Are you sure it was him, Riley?"
"No, I'm not. I've been losing control of my bladder for the past year now. It's probably time for me to jump." Riley says flatly and I giggle. I stick my tongue out at him as I carry Socks into the bedroom. Melanie follows me and I set Socks down. Melanie helps me start pulling the sheets off and I look up at her. She's smirking at me.
"What?"
"You two have a puppy." She whispers with a grin.
"No, we don't." I whisper, glancing over my shoulder at the door. She's still staring at me like that, "Okay, we have a puppy, but it's not ours. It's his and mine, but not together." I shake my head and take the sheets over to the hamper.
"Girl, you are stripping the man's bed."
"You say that like I'm stripping him." I go to the closet and reach up for a clean set of sheets, but I freeze. Shit. I look over to Melanie slowly. There's that smirk again.
"Have you?" she asks suggestively, "You know where his sheets are."
I look down at the sheets in my hands. Fuck. "Don't be ridiculous, Melanie." I whisper as I walk to the bed. "That's.. that is not allowed." I say as I set the sheets down on the bed. The sound of my phone going off fills the room and I look at the text. "I have to go." It's Four.
"You're not going to make his bed?" She asks but I can't look away from the screen. "Who is it? Who texted you?"
"Uh, just… Peter. He needs my help with something." I lock my phone and kneel down carefully to get some scratches in on Socks' back, his little tail whips back and forth, "I'll see you later, fur-ball."
I walk quickly through the apartment and leave without any goodbyes. I'm reading the text from Four saying he has a surprise for me and I need to come now. It's not that I'm excited. I'm terrified that if I don't come now he'll be harder on me. I get to the stairwell and start down then another text comes in from Eric. I think Eric takes president over Four so I text Four and tell him that I can't come right now. He'll be pissed but I don't really care. I actually kind of want to help Eric.
I walk out onto the rooftop and see Eric pacing around.
"Hey." I say quietly and he looks over at me.
"I want to tell her. I want to tell her soon before it's too late. Before she starts going out with other guys."
"I think you should wait. I mean.. it's not likely she'll do that. You need to sound sincere and tell her everything you've told me." I put my hands in my sweater pockets to guard them against the cold breeze coming in. "You want to take care of her, yeah?"
"Yes."
"Okay. How are you going to convey that?" I ask looking down at my feet and shuffling a few pebbles with the toe of my shoe. I hope Four isn't going to hit me extra tonight…
"I would tell her that… I love her. And I want to protect her. She's the most important person in my life." he says, I blink lazily.
"Okay, say it to me. Let me hear it." I mumble and look back up at him.
"I love you and I'll protect you." He says flatly. His mind is somewhere else. He's too stuck in his head and not in his emotions.
"You gotta let your feelings into it, man." I shake my head, "Say it like you mean it."
"I did say it like I mean it." Eric snaps the twig he's holding and throws it away. His eyes meet mine.
"You're guarding." I point a finger at him.
"I'm not guarding."
"Let your wall down for a second. You're not believable."
"I'm trying to be." He nearly shouts then lowers his voice. "I'm trying."
"You're not trying. Is she just a hobby to you?"
"No, of course not." He snaps.
"Then stop acting like it." I say.
"I'm not acting like it–"
"Then make me believe it!" I snap and shove his shoulders. Accidentally. Just got a little carried away, really. But it seems to get him to move. His eyes come to me furiously, I can see him imagining Melanie, good. He's got it. It's terrifying, but he's got it. His hands grab my upper arms… a little tighter than I'm comfortable with but, hey.. Melanie wouldn't mind. He pushes me against the wall, and the air is knocked from me gently by his whole body. But it's soft because his hand slides to the back of my neck, making me look up at him.
"Melanie, I'm going to protect you because I love you." He says clearly, solidly. Believably. His eyes move between mine and, god damn, it he's really good at this. I almost feel something for him.
Ah, no I don't - that's just my hip aching.