Hello! I don't know why but literally every character I write always end up getting a detailed backstory. I hope you enjoy reading about Baby and why he is the way he is. I will probably be slowing down the updates because this story is getting close to the end. Thank you Daryl's Angel-bow for your reviews! Thanks Duma neko, Daryl's Angel-bow & LirielLee for the follows :) please review!
Dean woke up the next morning and smiled at the silence. Sunlight poured through the little slats in the blinds, at least the twins had slept in this time. That was nice. But instantly his face fell as he had a moment of sadness wash over him as he looked at an empty space on the bed, untouched covers and a smooth pillow with enough space for another person to fit easily. He hoped that someday soon he'd be able to wake up and see those smooth blankets covering a body, see the pillow askew as a dark head of hair rested on it. He thought about being able to wake up to those blue eyes, the same ones he saw when Leo looked back at him, bright, sleepless eyes watching, protecting him as he slept.
He rolled over with a groan, trying to will the image away. He knew he would get better, he just needed to wait just a little longer. He didn't want to make himself sad again as he forced himself to let the moment pass. He'll be back soon, Dean. A little voice chimed in his head. That was something he noticed lately, he'd been being kinder to himself, there weren't so many negative things telling him what was right and wrong anymore. He drew him hand down his face and rolled out of bed, he smelled fresh coffee.
He stepped out into the kitchen, he found Baby sitting at the table and smoking his cigarette greedily, like it was the one thing he really enjoyed, his eyebrows tilting up serenly with every drag. "Mornin', Dean." He said cheerfully, mashing the half-gone butt onto the back of his hand and then healing it as usual. "Sam says you're out of diapers. Care to go on a little errand run with me?" Dean could tell this was also code for the fact that he needed to talk to him, alone. Good. He needed some answers.
"Sure, but will Robbie and Leo be okay here?"
Sam laughed as he poured himself some coffee. "You should see yourself sometimes. You're only gone for a few hours, I think I can manage that. Honestly, Dean." He felt his ears growing a little hot when he realized just how protective he was of them, maybe it was a tad bit too much. But for him, protection often times was congruent exactly to love, and he just couldn't shake that connection.
Baby had the keys jingling in his hand as he stretched his long legs and headed for the door, Dean following him. They went wordlessly down the carpeted hallway, finally stepping into the elevator on the way down. There was a beat of silence when the steely doors closed before Dean spoke up to him.
"How is he, Bay?" He asked quietly, with a voice that was extremely concerned and gentle, a tone of voice that rarely ever left his lips.
Baby faltered slightly before answering, and Dean noticed. "He's...getting better. It's going to be a slow recovery. Let's talk more about this in the car." There was another silence until the doors opened again, Dean had to take a moment to let that soak in. Slow recovery. So it wasn't really going to be any day now that he'd return, would it?
They excited the elevator and walked out under the dim yellow lights of the parking garage, Baby unlocked and climbed into the car, pulling the driver's side door shut as Dean did the same. Baby sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before starting up the engine.
"I think you can deduce from that scar on your back and the ones on my arms what happened." He started off, reversing and pulling out of the garage as they were met with a blast of clean morning light. It almost seemed a waste to Dean to have such a somber conversation on such a pretty summer morning.
"I think so. His wings are severely burned, right?"
Baby pressed his lips together and spoke up softly. "No. They're gone, Dean."
"Gone?! But, what does that mean for him?" Dean didn't want to imagine anything happening to his wings; just pulling the feathers from them had been cripplingly painful. But to have them be burnt completely away... he had so many questions and worries swirling in his brain, ready to spill from his lips.
"They can grow back, with time. His grace will grow back as well, but like I said, I really don't know how much time that will take. I have an estimate, judging by his progress so far." He stopped there, pulled out a cigarette and slid it into the lighter with an expert hand, sucking on it like it was food to a starving man. "This'll be the last one, I promise I'll tie this up for them. But I just need this now." Dean knew that wasn't a good sign, he smoked when he was extremely stressed out and anxious.
"What's the estimate?" He asked, feeling annoyed when Baby didn't answer right away, blowing smoke from his lips as he stuck his hand out the window and drove with one hand.
"Oh, Dean." He breathed quietly, his words spilling with the curling white tendrils of smoke, almost so silently that Dean wasn't sure if he'd imagined it.
"The estimate, Soloviel." He demanded, gritting his teeth. The warm-weather air that was usually so welcome blowing past his face suddenly annoyed him. He didn't want to be out driving, having the news broken to him and ruining his day. He wanted to turn around right now and just get his sons in his arms again.
The guardian angel hesitated, flicking his eyes to Dean then back again. He paused for a long amount of time with his lips just slightly split, he could tell this man didn't want to have to say it aloud. Finally, he quickly licked his lips and spoke up. "...A long time, Dean. Years."
He felt something crush down on him as any happiness within him felt like it had been sucked dry by that horrible one-syllable word, years. "I-I thought you said he was doing well!" The words tumbled thoughtlessly from his shocked lips. Years? That just couldn't be right. He was going to come back soon, right?
"He is! He's healing at an extremely rapid rate, higher than average. You have to see it like this, compared to our lifespans, one year is less than a second. It's like a millionth of a second." Dean didn't respond, he stared uninterestedly out the passenger window.
"So, his wings are gone, and he's gone through a downsize, right?" He spoke up in a numb voice.
"Yes."
"Why can't he be with me? I can take care of him until they grow back, I can handle all three of them. It wouldn't be a problem." He said confidently, picturing it now. It would have to be his full-time job, sure, but Cas could rest at the apartment and maybe seeing the twins could help him, if he just saw them and held them. He could make sure he was okay as his wings grew back, maybe as the years went by the kids could help too.
"Dean..."
"It would be hard work, but I could do it. Don't say I can't." The kids were a handful, especially because he kept getting surprises with their unpredictable abilities. And Cas would probably be in pain, but he could handle it, he knew he'd have the drive to work hard for his family.
"Dean, he got so small...he lost much of his memory." Baby finally replied, rolling down the window and tossing the cigarette, letting the air comb through his black hair. Dean didn't know what to say as he spoke up again. "He will be able to gain most of it back. Memories for angels are...complicated. Because we live for such a long time, there's no option for adapting, like survival of the fittest. Our memories become a sort of instinct, things we can never lose, our own personal collective unconscious, like each individual angel is a lone species with 'instincts' as memories. Dammit, what I mean to say is he will remember as he grows back, but it might be a bit different, like a scar is just a bit different from the surrounding skin, but more or less the same thing. That combined with all his losses- that's what is going to take the longest."
Dean was silent, letting that sink in. He doesn't remember me. He doesn't remember Robert and Leoniel. "I guess I should stop praying, then." He said sadly, hanging his head.
"No! He...he told me it makes him happy."
"He's awake? He's been talking to you?" Dean asked, astonished. He needed to see him with his own eyes, he needed to check to make sure he was okay. He wanted to talk to him for hours about what he'd been missing, all about Leo and Robbie. He hoped he'd laugh when he'd tell him how the other day Robbie had crawled into the fireplace to get warm, how every few seconds Leo was something different. He thought he'd like that, to hear that the experiments weren't so bad. He started building his list of things to say almost unconciously.
"Dean, you can't. You can't see him, he's too unstable. It would confuse him, frustrate him. Please."
Dean felt a very familiar surge of anger and felt another telekenetic fit coming on, he struggled to try and keep it in check, as just a low rumble began to sound. "Don't tell me what I can and can't do with the person I love." He seethed through gritted teeth, tears coming to his eyes as he balled his hands into fists. He didn't care what Baby told him as red started to tinge his vision. He had already reached down, feeling Cas's piece of grace inside, scanning out and finding the whole. He pinpointed his location in seconds.
"Dean, stop right now!" Baby yelled furiously, Dean had only seen him this angry when he'd pulled him aside before for mentioning his death in front of Cas. He rarely ever was the type to yell like that. "You can't-"
The words cut off sharply as suddenly Dean was somewhere else, a small white room with a single bed. He felt a very unfamiliar weight on his back as his wings were now exposed. He looked at the sigils covering the entire room and finally something with his new angel skills came easily; he understood what they said right away. Only those who had parts of Cas inside them could come inside, so that included anyone who had bonded with him, and Leo and Robbie had been effortless because he was part of them.
The dark-haired man was awake but resting, and his body tensed up as he saw Dean materialize out of nowhere. His blue eyes widened in fear as he shot up, scrambling to press himself against the wall, his blade had sprung to his hand. Soloviel! Dean easily heard his desparate cry for help, his eyes were wide with panic. Dean felt devastated when what he'd just been told really had really been proven to be true.
"Cas, I'm just here to check on you for him. I'm...I'm his brother." Dean tried to speak up quickly, backing up with his palms showing. He thought seeing him would make him feel better, and it was too late now but he realized Baby had been right. He was scaring Cas, who must have been told to go on the red-alert because of how heaven was now. Dean felt awful, he should have listened.
"You're not taking me back. He told me the things you did to me..." Baby must have explained that he'd been controlled by heaven, that no angel could be trusted anymore. Dean felt his heart sink as he saw a dark black stub flapping, the old parts blackened and grisly as new down grew on top. It was worse than he'd imagined, and his stomach twisted into a knot.
"Check, Cas, I'm bonded with him." He wished his first words could have been different. Cas screwed up his face, and he saw all the bonds inside. He relaxed when Baby's was clearly there, but his expression melted into sadness as he saw his own light in this stranger.
"Who-"
Dean was caught completely off-gaurd as Baby rammed into him, next thing he knew he was being pressed harshly onto the wall, and arm across his throat. "When I tell you something like that, goddammit, you listen!" Suddenly he was being yanked somewhere else, he was dropped harshly into the living room as he got the wind knocked out of him. He pulled himself to stand up, clutching his stomach. Baby was standing over him, furious, his anger spilling out into the air as Dean could almost taste his anger and frustration through their bond. He rolled onto his stomach and tried to stand up, wheezing. They were back that the apartment.
"I tried to warn you. I went through this with you, now I have to go through this with Cas, and his is way worse. How the hell would you feel if right when you climbed out I told you that you and Sam were killed, and now you're part angels?" He seethed, clenching and unclenching his fists.
Dean clutched at his stomach, groaning as he tried to breathe. "I'd probably...I don't know. Not believe you."
Baby rolled his eyes, drumming his fingers on his leg irritably. Dean wasn't used to seeing him so worked up like this, usually he was so calm and reasonable and kind.
"If you knew it was true, you'd probably have a break down. And to tell him that he has kids, and two new brothers, that he was in love, everything..." He scowled down at Dean, lifting his eyes as Dean climbed to his feet. "I need to fix this." He stated coldly, finally dropping his heated tone. "I won't be back for a while."
"Fine." Dean replied defiantly, crossing his arms. He didn't want to admit that he'd been right, that he shouldn't have been so rash and stupid. But he just needed to see him.
"Don't even think about going there without my permission." He said in a low voice, his vocal chords starting to rumble, his eyes narrowing and shining with a fierce kind of light. Damn, when he was angry, he could be one scary son of a bitch.
"Fine. And thanks for ruining my fucking day." He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying hard to supress another fit.
"Fine, then you can forget about the smoking. I'll do it as much as I damn well please."
"You wouldn't do that to them!" Dean could feel his emotions start to muddle and rise and fall. The barely-wings he saw on Cas, his panicked expression, when he was told it could be years... he didn't even have a grip on what he felt exactly. "Just leave, Soloviel. Help Cas, I don't care what you do. But right now, I want you to stay away from me and my sons."
Baby started laughing, that sort of painful, angry laugh. "You're trying to blame me for this? You want me away from your sons? Well, reality check, dumbass. If I'm not here helping you, or there helping Cas, I'm working my fucking ass off protecting your sons, and you and Sam thank you very much, from the demons and the Gatherers."
Dean felt a chill down his spine at the last word, the way he said it. He felt strange seeing Baby act this way, he'd never seen him stay this furious for this long before, and he felt somewhat bad for being the one to set him off.
"What the hell are the Gatherers?" He snapped back, maybe a bit too acidly. Still, the thing he didn't know was scaring him. Baby's eyes were still twinkling with aggression when he answered.
"They're trying to take you back to heaven, all four of you, including Sam, the twins. Not Cas, thank God, because he was only a host. You're the experiments, and they want their investments back. I'm guessing they finally achieve their goal or we slip up when they get Leo in the future." Dean was surprised. He really thought once he'd gotten out that it would be over, he didn't imagine that they would try pursuing it.
"Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. You should know that. They've come five times in the past seven months, and I've killed twelve of my own brothers and sisters, solely Gatherers alone. Shitload of demons too." He suddenly strode forward and gripped Dean's shirt, bumping him lightly into the wall a few feet behind him and even lifting him a few inches. His facial expression was frightening, something he'd never seen Baby wear to that degree before. His nose was wrinkled as his cheeks were brought up, his teeth gritted and exposed as his lips curled with anger, his dark eyebrows drawn down over his steely gaze.
"So if you want me to stay away from you, fine. It would make my life a thousand times easier. And you wouldn't last half a day." He hissed through his gritted teeth, seething. He gave Dean one last shove and ripped his hand from his shirt. Dean was speechless. He'd killed these Gatherers before they could even have a clue, and they'd come for them five times already? He had no idea that Baby was working so hard on something like that too, but it seemed believable when he realized how worn down he'd been lately.
"Goodbye, Dean." He said acidly with his back turned to him, his canary yellow wings already outstretched and over his head, he vanished a second later. Dean stumbled forward and breathed heavily, trying to get his breath back. Dammit, he felt guilty that he'd treated Baby like crap, he had no idea that he'd kept everything away like that, he'd been a little preoccupied. He stumbled into the kid's bedroom, sinking his face into his palms. The babies were lightly napping, only stirring sometimes with little noises. It was as if what he'd seen had finally hit him, how bad it had looked. Years. The voice reminded him, whispering in his ear.
He stood up slowly, pressing his palms into his knees as they creaked. He bumped up to the crib and reached in, pulling out the nearest baby and holding him tightly to his chest. He spotted the light yellow pajamas out of the corner of his eye, Leo baby. The little one that Cas had named, the one that had his eyes. He thought back to when they'd sat in the car and Cas had suggested the name, even then Cas had thought he was going to die, and he'd been willing to sacrifice everything for them. Now, he didn't even know they existed.
A tear dripped from his eye as he rubbed the tiny back. How old would they be before he even met them? He dropped back into his chair, letting himself be pulled into the numb chasm, just for a little while. He was too distracted to notice that Robbie was not moving as much as usual, a paleness creeping onto his cheeks.
...
When Baby quickly came back to heaven, Cas was still in the corner, he flinched when he appeared. "It's okay, Cas. It's me." Baby quickly rushed over, going to help him to stand, but he did it easily himself. At least that was one thing that was better, his body had quickly gotten better when the energy-sucking objects had been removed.
Baby pulled him into a gentle hug, and Cas spoke up quietly. "I was burnt out, wasn't I?" He asked quietly into his shoulder, his eyes staring straight ahead. Baby didn't have to answer for him to know he had. It was so rare, an almost legend or myth for angels, most were able to finish the job.
"I...I don't understand." He said, flicking his eyes from side to side, just as Baby pulled away. "It's a long story, Cas. You'll remember, I promise." Cas went and sat on the edge of the bed, his eyebrows still brought together in confusion. He was trying to figure out what was going on, why he'd seen a stranger with his piece of his light inside of him. He reached down into himself, feeling the pieces of light he kept...
Cas suddenly began to panic, his eyelids flying open as he patted his chest. "These bonds-these bonds were not here before! And my other brothers-" He was afraid and confused, and he stopped suddenly, his hand dropping from his chest limply. "Sol, these are not angels." He was frozen with shock, and Baby wasn't exactly sure how to react. "They're part human, that's what you are feeling." He answered gently.
"But-" He felt at his chest again, as if he could physically touch the bonds. It was supposed to be impossible to have a part-angel, these felt different than nephilim, the closest thing. "Who are they?"
"Their names are Sam and Dean."
Cas cocked his head to the side and spoke up quickly. "Those are not angel names." He said in disbelief, narrowing his eyes and thinking hard. "How...how is this possible?"
"Heaven is a strange place now, Cas. That's why you must remain in this room until you're better, understand?" He said very seriously. "Yes." He answered quietly, sitting down and lying on his bed. Baby looked at him and thought back; all the Gatherers he'd killed, making sure they never came near his family, the countless demons he'd slain to protect them. The four on Earth were in constant danger, even now. He needed Cas to be safe, so at least he could guarentee that at least one member of his family could be safe.
He probably shouldn't have been so harsh with Dean, but he realized that was the only way to get through to him. Cas looked at him, a heartbroken expression on his face. "Am I going to get better?" He asked, curling up and settling on his bed.
"Yes. I promise." He replied in a tight voice, gently smoothing his hair down, just once. He hated that this had become of his brother. Cas had been anticipating that something bad would happen when he agreed to keep them, he'd known for a long time that he could have died. Baby was so happy he hadn't, but now he felt the crushing responsibility of making sure he kept the promise he'd just made.
...
Dean hadn't realized how much time he had spent just sitting. He suddenly brought his gaze upward when he saw that Baby had dropped into the room. He looked like he wasn't so angry anymore, he looked at Dean almost with empathy now as he leaned on the wall, one leg slightly bent, his arms crossed. There was a short silence as Dean just looked at him and he gazed back, Dean holding the baby almost protectively, even though he knew Baby wouldn't do anything to harm them.
"I'm sorry, Dean. I shouldn't have gotten so angry at you, I know how much you care about him." Baby spoke up quietly, his usual gentle voice returning. Dean didn't answer right away, he was just picturing Baby's extremely uncharacteristic snarl. He realized he wasn't the only one who always had Cas's best interests in mind. Dean was about to speak up when Baby beat him to it.
"I think...Dean, I think I can try to have you visit him. I want to see if that will work out." The words that were in Dean's throat immediately vanished. He could finally visit with him, he wouldn't be afraid of him, it wouldn't be in secret? He felt his chest puff up, finally.
"First thing, Dean. You have to stay focused, you can't let your mind wander and think about anything he's done. He won't dig into your memories, but he will be able to see anything you're thinking about currently. Do you understand?" Dean was almost too excited to really think about what he was telling him. "Yeah, yeah. I understand, I won't think about it."
"No hints, get it? We can't overwhelm him." Dean quickly set the sleeping Leo back down into the crib, once again too distracted to notice Robbie's face now had a light sheen of sweat beading on his cheeks. "Yeah, I promise." Baby rubbed his shoulder gently before he gripped it to pull him away, his little apology. Dean once again felt bad about how he'd treated him, but he was glad that his friend was so willing to forgive him for blatantly ignoring him.
Cas was sitting up on his bed, his back pressed to the wall, wringing his hands as he waited to meet his new brother, the part-angel, the one he'd gotten just a glimpse of a few minutes ago. He was afraid; why couldn't he remember? And why did he have this gaping hole in his chest? Had another one of his family died recently, without him knowing? He didn't know who that could possibly be, he already felt the absence of two of his little brothers. He lifted his eyes when he heard a faint rustling as the two men entered the small room he was confined in. He relaxed when he saw Soloviel's familiar face, but he felt a lump rise to his throat again when he saw the other person. He had smooth, golden wings, and dirty-blonde hair and light green eyes, he felt confused when he saw his expression, he couldn't quite put a name to it.
"Hey, Cas." The man said gently, hesitating to step forward as Baby moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Cas's eyes nervously flitted toward him, and Baby sat down on the bed, Cas felt a little reassured when he knew his younger brother wouldn't let him be in danger. "Cas, this is the person I told you came here earlier. Dean."
"Are you feeling okay?" Dean asked in that gentle tone again, his eye were alight with happiness. Cas was nervous, he was used to answering Soloviel honestly whenever he asked, but he didn't know what he should tell this man. "I'm decent. Incrementally tired." He answered uncertainly, tensing his body as Dean also went to sit on the edge of his bed. Cas didn't know what to say to him, so he decided to ask Soloviel the question he'd been contemplating when they'd left.
"Sol, Leviniel is dead, isn't he?" He asked quietly, more aware of the fresh hole than of anything else in his now-mysterious grace. He was so confused, he was afraid of his own memories. He felt a bit overwhelmed at the two pairs of eyes staring intently at him. He shied toward the wall, tucking the remains of his wings close to his body.
"Unfortunately. Around a month ago." Baby answered simply. Dean found something peculiar about him for the time being, he looked like he was tensing himself, preparing something that would come next, a tiny frown just beginning to show on his face.
"And Mirael?" Cas asked quietly, feeling the small hole in his grace, but it was heavily healed, like it had occurred a long time ago. Dean finally saw what had been hinted at before. "Hmmmm." Baby sighed, looking like he'd been struck with crushing sadness as he brought his legs in, pressing his back to the wall as he covered his eyes with his palms, tufts of dark hair stuck out from between his fingers as he was in a position of total grief. Dean found this peculiar; he was sad when he mentioned this Leviniel kid, but not like this. Dean could feel it through the bond as sadness billowed from the air around him, he didn't move a muscle from this defeated position.
Dean decided to speak up, he wanted to talk to Cas, have him possibly open up to him as he slowly remembered. "What's wrong with him? Who's Mirael?" He asked, concerned about his somber friend. Baby had always been the one comforting him when something bad happened to him, he'd rarely ever seen him display anything vulnerable, and nothing like this. Had Mirael been his Other?
Cas flitted his eyes to Dean's face. He knew by the way he looked at him that they had been close friends for a long time, but he struggled to try and recognize his face, feeling sad as his mind came up with absolutely nothing. He spoke up quietly, trying to comfort Baby with a light hand on his shoulder, but the guardian angel didn't acknowledge anything had happened. Cas opted to look at Baby instead, he still felt nervous when he looked to Dean.
"Mirael was his twin brother, and I don't only mean that they were born from the same angel." He started to say, when Baby finally spoke up, keeping his face buried in his hands. "Real twins, identical twins, two angels who derived from the exact same substance, a split in the light. Rare, rarer than almost anything else." He explained in a low voice, barely above that of a whisper. Dean brought his eyebrows together, he didn't even know something like that was possible for angels. Baby finally lifted his eyes, running his hands down his face and crossing them limply across his stomach, he looked so vulnerable, not like the angel who seemed to know everything, who could help anyone.
"I was not always like this, Dean. Believe it or not, Mirael and I, we were the guardian angel's little powerhouses. Obedient, unbending, heaven's perfect little soldiers." Dean was speechless. Him? The smoking angel, the one who defied heaven, protected his family so fiercely, the kindly rebel?
"We were closer than anything. We were the same substance, we were the same angel, in two bodies. Then, he just had to go and fall in love with a human." He paused in his story, flitting his eyes between Dean and Cas. He needed to explain everything to Dean, but he couldn't let Cas see what had happened. Cas had his eyes narrowed, he looked like he was finally remembering something.
"I remember that." He said quietly, and both Dean and Baby's heads whipped to look at him. "You do?" Baby asked, a tiny bit of hopefulness shining in his sad eyes. Cas blinked, thinking hard. "Yes. He fell in love with the human, then the nephilim." Dean was confused. What the hell was that?
"It's good you remember that, Cas. That was only around two hundred years ago." Dean was about to speak up, ready to burst out with the words 'two hundred?', but Baby quickly added on. "They were angry with him. That was when I began to change, I wasn't strict and so conforming anymore. I dropped off the grid to help him."
Dean hated how out of the loop he felt. What was he trying to say? He didn't understand the words he was using. He couldn't help it as memories rushed into his head, when he'd been excluded before, when he'd first gotten out, and that thought led to another, that day he'd seen Cas behind that glass wall, skinny and sickly, the splatter of red on the ground in the woods, when he'd collapsed there on the tree stump, carrying him back, when Baby had announced that he was sick because he was carrying fledglings. Dean suddenly had an extremely uncomfortable, suffocating feeling around his head, somehow he could tell that Baby had blocked his memories from getting to Cas. The atmosphere suddenly got very tense, Cas had a panic in his eyes as he whipped his head from Dean to Baby.
"What's going on?" He asked innocently, as Baby reached out to physically grip Dean's head between his hands, trying hard to restrain any more memories from slipping out. Baby, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!
Cas's breathing began to speed up as his eyes flitted from face to face. "What happened to me?" He asked in a frightened voice, frantically pressing his palm to multiple spots on his chest. Why was he so empty, absences riddling his grace? His breathing involuntarily became heavier and heavier as he felt panic rise. Why had he been burnt out? He was struggling to calm down as the two quickly vanished. He pressed himself to the white wall, keeping his hand pressed firmly to his chest as he felt his ribcage rise and fall, staring at the space where his brothers had been just a second ago.
Baby had brought Dean back to the apartment, and Dean frowned deeply and looked into his guardian angel's kind, now sad face. "I'm sorry, Bay. I was trying." Baby had a defeated look in his eye as he pulled out a chair and sat down heavily in it. "It's okay, Dean. I'm not angry at you. I needed to tell you the rest of my story anyway, the parts he doesn't remember." He was silent for a second before he spoke up again.
"How do you think I knew how to do all that for Cas? Where to get the energy, what was happening?" He asked softly, staring directly in front of him, his eyes were misty and his gaze was far away.
"I don't know. I thought all angels had like instincts or something like that." He had no idea where this was going, why he had asked him that.
"No, Dean. My brother carried nephilim, half-human, half-angels. The same thing happened to him, the energy sucking away, the blood, being so weak. I used to be much different, when this happened everything changed, but that wasn't the final blow. I did everything to help Mirael, but I didn't know enough." He buried his head in his arms. "I lost him, I lost all of them. God, I haven't heard his name in years." He breathed deeply, shakily. Dean had never seen him like this, and he couldn't imagine what he must have gone through. The same angel, more or less, just in two bodies.
"But if you said grace dies wherever it resides-"
"Yes, me and him were made of the same grace. When he died, I lost so much of myself, the slight deviations I made were the only things that saved me. I was never going to be that solider again. They told me I went crazy, I don't disagree. I was obsessed with trying to go back and save him, go back and maybe try to save my nephews, I might have been able to carry them. Nothing worked, it was an aspect I couldn't change. You wouldn't want to know me then, Dean." He unconciously pulled his pack of cigarettes out, and he stared at them in his hand when he realized he had.
"I didn't mean it, what I said before. I'll quit for them." He said quietly, not looking like he wanted to let go of the pack just yet.
"Let's have this be your last one." Dean said kindly, pulling up a chair and sitting backwards on it, resting his head on his arms. Baby shot him a grateful look and lit his cigarette, breathing in deeply.
"No one wanted to be assigned to these prophesized Winchesters, no one wanted to have to be responsible for people destined for some pretty heavy misfortunes. I was a disgrace in my class, but it wasn't possible to strip my title. But the world works mysteriously, let me tell you that much. John was the first one I personally protected, he was mostly the one who brought me back to myself." Dean realized, that must have been one of the reasons he'd always been so loyal to his dad.
"Then there were you two. Yeah, it was damn hard to watch you go through what you went through. But you pulled me out of that too, I began to see the world like I should, protectors and protectees. If I hadn't lost him, I wouldn't have had you two. So I'm at least grateful for that." He closed his eyes, taking a deep drag from the cigarette, the paper crinkling just barely audibly. Now he was going to say another sad thing, Dean could tell.
"When Cas started showing the same symptoms..." He darted his eyes away, he felt a rush of emotion like it had just happened yesterday. "I knew that I wasn't going to lose any of them this time. In my obsession, I'd come up with things I could have done diffently, but I never thought I'd have to use them. I still wish I could have prevented more."
"No, Baby. You did everything right, all three of them are alive and kicking. I almost can't believe you managed most of it on your own." Dean said, suddenly feeling a pull to have one of his kids in his arms again. He was afraid all over again when he thought about how close it had been to losing any of them. "Thank you for telling me all of this." They were comfortably silent for a while, until Baby had sucked his last cigarette down to the tiniest of stubs.
"Cas is frightened, he's been asking me to come back. I need to go." He said solemny, mashing out the bit left, that dissolved into a spot of ash.
"Thank you, Baby." He replied almost unemotionally. Dean understood what he meant; he couldn't see Cas again like that, not until he regained his memories. Baby disappeared, and Dean couldn't help but remember Cas seeing his thoughts, rising up to panic, breathing hard. Feel better soon, Cas. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. He rose from his seat, remembering something. Well, those diapers aren't gonna buy themselves.
...
Dean shot up in bed when he heard a loud wail peirce the silent night air. He'd been sleeping rockily, and he vaguely remembered hearing sounds of soft crying but being too tired to do anything. He got up quickly and rushed to the room, he was worried when he heard Robbie wailing like he'd never heard him sound before. They'd never cry like this, they were usually so content. He quickly rushed into the room, he found Sam desparately bouncing him, an overwhelmed and afraid expression on his face. What was wrong? He'd been so tuckered out, he should be sleeping soundly right now.
"I don't know what's wrong! He won't calm down, he's burning up..." Dean quickly took him from Sam, securing him tightly in his arms. His tiny body was shivering, even though his forehead was burning with fever.
"God, Robbie. You were fine a few minutes ago! What's wrong?" He asked him, as if he could tell him. His crying was too different this time, like he was in pain. Maybe if he took him outside, the wind and the cool night air could help calm his fever. He padded out to the kitchen area and slid open the glass doors to the small balcony they had, and he stepped outside, gently laying his hand on his burning forehead. Eyes that were usually curious and bright looked dull and vacant. It was strangely bright out here, and that was when he was struck with realization as he lifted his eyes to the full, brightly glowing moon, the first one since they'd been born.
He quickly went back inside, collapsing onto the couch as he was seized with fear. What would happen to him every month? Would he turn into a werewolf completely every single month, hurt people? He stroked his hair with a shaking hand, hating how much the skin was burning under his touch as the baby cried out uncharacteristically loudly. His hand began to glow lightly as he tried to shoot out some healing energy, but it wasn't helping at all. Suddenly, the kid completely stopped crying, which was almost eerier than the loud wailing. He breathed irregularly, his small chest sporadically bursting to rise and fall.
"No, no, Bobby. Please, don't turn. Don't, please." He begged, pulling him tightly against him. "Please, Rob. Don't do that." The shape stayed distinctly human, as his breathing stayed irregular and almost ragged as he hiccuped and began a low, pitiful cry. Dean felt a tear slip down his cheek, and he found himself talking to him again.
"I'm sorry, Robbie. I'm so sorry that I let you get this way. I was scared of you at first, and now I realize I should have been scared for you. I'm going to fix this, I promise. I'll find the cure." His heart broke when he realized how often this was going to occur; every single month, twelve times a year. He pulled the shaking and feverish body closer, wrapping him tightly into his arms. He realized that this was going to be much more difficult than he'd originally imagined.
He didn't quiet down for hours, and his voice was starting to show the beginnings of raspy chords when he finally settled down again, dropping into an exhausted sleep in Dean's arms, his body was colder and clammy with sweat dampening his whole baby blue footsie. Dean's eyes peeled open, and he saw the kitchen digital clock in the dark, it was close to three in the morning.
He groggily stood up, stumbling back into the bedroom and forcing himself to stay awake just long enough to change him into his new pair of pajamas, he was in a dead sleep, his small limbs were heavy and easy to manipulate as he pulled him into a fresh one, a cotton footsie that was white with little blue sharks. He pushed his damp hair from his tiny, pale forehead. He couldn't even fathom how much guilt he felt. He was only a few weeks old, and he'd gone through pain that no baby should ever have to feel. And the fact that this would occur every month for years and years... he felt another tear drip from his eye as he carried the limp body back to his shared crib. He understood now why Robbie had described himself as weak and sickly when he'd met him as a teenager. It was really going to happen until then, seventeen years...
This just wasn't right, not at all. He needed Cas, he needed his help. He was too tired to send out a prayer tonight, he'd already sent one his way today anyway. He dropped into his own bed, he should have been able to sleep soundly in the silence, but he slept rockily as worry kept creeping into his mind.
Dean was horrified the next morning when he went to check on the boys, and he only found Leo was up, sitting up in his crib and absent-mindedly sucking on his balled up fist as he played with a plastic rattle in his other hand. Robbie was still fast asleep, and he still didn't look healthy this morning, his cheeks were still pale and he breathed shallowly. He quickly gathered him into his arms, and his pajamas were still dry, but his skin still felt just as clammy and cold with a misting of sweat just like last night. He went out into the kitchen, not quite sure what else he was supposed to do as he wandered around the house. He reached out to sense what room Sam was in, and he was surprised when he couldn't find him in any of them.
His question was answered when his brother dropped into place a few feet in front of him, carrying a brown paper bag. "Sam." Dean spoke up in a voice tight with worry. "He still hasn't woken up, and he still seems sick... I don't know what to do, I don't know what he needs." He cried out in a worried voice, looking down into his small slack face again. There was a beat of silence before Sam spoke up again, so gently as if he were the person that had to break the news of someone's death.
"What do you think he needs, Dean?"
Dean smoothed his dark hair down, not wanting to believe what he knew had to be the truth. That time he'd seen Leo at the market, and then he'd pulled open the fish to find the missing heart. "No, Sam. That's not true." He said in a detached voice, even though he knew it had to be the truth. He just didn't want to believe it, not his son, not a baby.
Sam set the paper bag down on the kitchen counter, and Dean felt his gut twist as he saw that the bottom was dark with blood. He'd gotten a heart, it was inside the bag.
"We should liquidize it and feed it to him with his bottle."
Dean felt his throat tighten as he said this. "That's not...Sam, that's not a human's, is it?" He asked in a tight voice, he felt like maybe this whole thing was just a giant nightmare, a strange dream induced by his lack of sleep lately.
"Of course not! It's bovine." Sam seemed a little taken aback that he'd believe he'd do something like that. "Come on, we should get this over with quickly." Dean unemotionally pulled out the blender with one arm and plugged it in, dropping the heart inside, all the while rubbing Robbie's back in small circles. He stared at the dark red object through the warping glass, shutting the lid. He paused a second before hitting the blend button.
"This doesn't feel right, Sam." He said in a small voice, he just couldn't tear his eyes from the great, dark red hunk in the glass. He couldn't give something so repulsive, so poisonous to such a small child. He was too pure, too innocent...
"It's not like you're aiding a killer monster, Dean! This is Robbie. Look at him, he needs this!" Dean looked into his tiny face, and his cheeks were still shining and pale, but he had opened his eyes this time. Dean hadn't even noticed that he'd woken up, he hadn't even made a peep. His eyes were much too tired for someone his age.
"This is medicine, okay? We're not going to tell him anything else." He said after a few seconds in a stone-cold voice, pressing down the blender's button as the air filled with a high-pitched whir. When it finally turned off, they exchanged glances.
"We won't tell him. Not until he's old enough to understand." Sam agreed softly, and he hated that look of sadness that shone from his brother's green eyes. He was being pulled back into the hole he'd struggled to get out of once again. He wordlessly took out a bottle, scooping out a spoonful of the red blend and tapping it into the bottle, covering that with milk and swishing it all around as he shook the bottle back and forth with one arm, securing the motionless kid with his other hand.
When he finally brought it to the child's lips, the change was outstanding. Blood returned to his cheeks instantaneously, his eyes went from dull to sharper, he started to squirm and move his limbs in the usual way a kid his age should. He finally made his first noise, a little burble as he reached an uncoordinated hand up to play with Dean's ear.
Dean looked up to Sam with an expression like this had all finally sunk in. Sam wrapped him into a hug, hating that he was feeling that sadness return. "It's all going to be okay, Dean. Everything's going to be fine."
"I still love you, Robbie." Dean said in a voice watery with unshed tears, dipping his head to plant a kiss on the child's head. Sam pulled him into another hug as his breathing became thicker, tears silently falling from his eyes. He didn't know what the hell he was supposed to say to him now. He didn't think it was going to help if he confirmed that this wasn't his or the kid's fault, or that it was only going to be once a month. That was still too damn often.
"You're not a monster, this is not your fault." Dean repeated firmly, taking the bottle away and cradling the now-lively baby in his arms, ready to slip him back into his crib with his brother. Cas. He found himself starting to pray again, and he didn't quite know what he wanted to say this time. Tell him that things had taken a bad turn? Beg for him to come back again? There was one good thing he could tell him, Robbie hadn't turned at all during the whole ordeal. Cas, things aren't as bad as they could have been. I think you were the one who kept most of the uptake away, and I wanted to thank you. He knew Cas wouldn't understand what he meant, but just praying at least made him feel a little better. He gently placed Robbie down into his crib again, straightening up and closing his eyes. I know I tell you this almost every day, but please, try and get better.
He looked at the two little babies in their crib again, they had started to interact with each other and the things around them now. Robbie grabbed the rattle from Leo's hand, and the fair-haired baby looked a little upset. They had two stuffed animals in there with them that Dean had bought for them, a Pooh bear and Tigger. Leo turned his head and saw the stuffed animal tiger, and suddenly the fluffy, striped cub had taken his place, pouncing with light feet onto the dark-haired baby, who giggled and rolled to his back, dropping the rattle as he was reaching out and grabbing onto the furry orange-and-black paw that rested lightly on his doughy chest. Leo melted back to his human form and triumphantly grabbed the rattle again.
They're so beautiful, Cas. I miss you. He gripped the crib lightly, curling his fingers around the soft wood. He knew he didn't know who he was, but Baby had said that praying to him made him happy, so he continued. Come home soon, Cas. I love you.