Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things twilight…

in advance…sorry!

CHAPTER TWENTY

When we'd left Phoenix, it was actually a rather tearful goodbye. I promised my parents that we'd come down for Christmas. It was a great trip and I was looking forward to visiting again but regrettably, I was unsure if I would be able to get away from work till then. But at least it gave me something to look forward to in the year!

I slept for a good part of our drive, trying to ignore the horrible hangover I had. I don't know how Edward was able to stay awake enough to actually drive. When I finally woke, I was completely replenished.

Edward was rather amused at my sudden burst of energy as I air-guitared and head banged to his songs. I could feel his constant gaze on me but I hope I was mistaken, otherwise I don't know how we managed to stay on the road.

We stopped at a gas station to fill up and use the bathroom. The bags starting to form on Edward's eyes did not bypass my notice and I was able to convince him to let me drive. He tried to stop me at first but after some persistence, he knew he was too tired to carry on.

He slept peacefully as I drove to our motel. I turned the music quite soft so as not to disturb him. I bopped to the music but I was afraid any erratic movements might wake him so I kept it rather low-key.

The sun had set in a beautiful splash of pinks and purples as I pulled up at a motel, different to the one we'd stayed at on our way here. I cut the engine and leaned over to the passenger seat to wake Edward.

He looked so at peace, his handsome features glowing through tiredness. The bronze quality in his hair against his smooth skin seemed to liken him to the beauty of the Renaissance angels. I brought my finger up to his cheek and ever so lightly traced a path from his eye to his lips. Under my fingers, his lips vibrated as he moaned a little.

My hand froze where it was. This would be extremely difficult to explain if he woke up but his eyes didn't even flicker. I cautiously brought my fingers up and drew my thumb across his closed eyelids. I shifted my weight so I could bring my other hand to his face as well.

Looking back, I don't exactly know what possessed me to do this but the feel of his skin, the beauty of his face and, in the close proximity, his scent. A musky, natural smell, untouched by cologne or aftershave. Just purely Edward. His unique, distinct smell. It was utterly enticing and I started to lean in, my hands still on either side of his face. I drew so close, our noses barely touching.

Suddenly there was a loud bang behind us when someone from the car behind us had gotten out and slammed the door. Immediately I realised what I was doing and reeled back. I was horrified. My actions were completely incomprehensible. I clambered out of the car, willing to get away from whatever it was that made me almost kiss Edward…

I started pacing next to the car, running my fingers through my hair erratically, trying to contemplate what I just did. I always thought I'd never seen or would see the appeal of Edward. In a romantic way of course, like all the girls who took home.

But here I was, taking advantage over the fact he was asleep and so would probably not know what I was doing. I'd been drawn in, intoxicated. Like every other girl he slept with.

Why? I wanted to be different. I had always been different. What had changed to make me just like them? It wasn't like Edward had suddenly gotten hot or I had just realised. Edward had always been immensely sexy and I had been completely aware of it.

I couldn't help it when pictures of the other day, on the beanbags flickered in my mind. Was that it?

I had realised that our relationship had grown a lot more intense and at the same time rather tense and strained. It was like there was this unspoken force influencing our friendship, that was gradually making the bonds between us thicker yet pulling us apart.

And I had realised, much to my dismay, that I was very much attracted to him. I mean he was always attractive obviously but I could feel myself being drawn to him in a way much more than in mere friendship.

And this scared me. It didn't help when Esme and Renee had said those things earlier that day. It couldn't be. It was absurd. At least I kept telling myself that. But now, I don't know if I could really be sure.

EDWARD'S POV

I was probably dreaming. Yes. I definitely was dreaming. There was no way that could've happened. And well, Bella has been in most of my dreams of late.

Although this dream had seemed a lot more realistic than others, it was still a dream. I mean, my others had a lot more…action in them but this one was good.

When she touched me, I could actually feel the warmth of her skin on mine. The softness of her skin, the smell of her breath as she had leaned in close.

I mean, to be perfectly honest, my imagination was a lot more…raunchy. And seeing the dreams I had been having this past weekend, it was quite a turn to have such an innocent one.

But it was ridiculous to even think that Bella would actually do that. I mean hadn't she said this very morning that it was absurd to think that there could ever be something between us.

I sighed as I recalled this moment. All my hopes had been crushed to say the very least. The whole weekend I'd been feeling it. I'd wanted to touch her so bad. I'd tried to find any opportunity. I couldn't' bear to watch her go. Even when I knew I'd see her again soon. That first night, as she and her parents drove away, I stood in the doorway. Trying to treasure every moment I had with her in case she left and never came back. I needed her like one needs oxygen. Didn't one once say that love is like oxygen?

Well that makes perfect sense. I loved her and I needed her that bad.

It's crazy how plainly I can say that now. I love Bella. Ha. I still remember when I was trying so hard to deny it. When I was even stupid enough to think that perhaps if I started to sleep around again, she'd find interest in me. Like, she'd get jealous or something.

Instead it made her so mad with me. No, that's putting it way too nicely. She absolutely loathed me after that. And she had every reason to, I know.

I can only hope she sees differently now.

This whole weekend had been a little taste of bliss. I know that there were the downfalls, mainly when she basically killed any of my hopes of us getting together. But the time we spent, it was fun, so light, so joyous and juvenile. So free. I relished in every moment because not only was it bliss, it was with Bella and that in itself makes any moment perfect.

But yet there was still this fear that she might leave me. She too had grown up and seeing her in our childhood hometown had exaggerated that for me. In many ways she was still the same as the girl from Phoenix yet she'd matured greatly when we'd left. As it had been gradual I didn't really see it but in contrast with our childhood, I could see it clearly.

And in growing up, she'd discover new, exciting things. Like love. And in that, she'd find someone. Someone deserving of her love. Or, and god I hoped not, she might even find love in someone she already knew and liked. Namely Jacob. She'd fall in love, move in or marry and she'd leave me behind.

I was scared shitless at the thought of life without Bella. It was something I'd not only come to depend on but I knew was the reason I could be content in life. I needed her there more than I was willing to admit. And if I didn't tell her soon….well you see it all the movies and read it in all the books.

Most of the guys are too late and the girl ends up leaving them. But I wasn't going to make that mistake. I was going to tell her how I felt. I was going to tell her that I loved her even if she didn't love me back….

Wait.

What if she didn't love me back? Bella was one of the only girls who had actually shown no interest in me, romantically, at all. What if she point blank wasn't interested in me? There was plenty of evidence for this argument and if I was in the right state of mind right now, I wouldn't be too surprised.

I couldn't tell her. Not yet. Not until I could see some doubt, see that she might not be scared away or disgusted if I told her that I did love her.

Yes, that sounded reasonable. I would wait. Ha. Waiting…

Well that was the only thing to do. I'd wait until I was absolutely certain that my confession wouldn't actually drive her away from me and then I would tell her. I would tell her everything.

And you never know, she might even love me back...