Ch. 20: I've always been more comfortable in chaos.
I'm on my way, love.
Sigyn smiled as she looked at the horizon. The sun had already set, and the stars blinked into view. Somewhere among those stars, Loki was on a cruiser ship, making his way back to her.
I hope we get there soon. Thor has been a pain in my asgardian soul since I told him everything.
Sigyn chuckled to herself.
Do you have any idea how far are you?
A vague one. But we need to resupply. It isn't a straight route.
Sigyn closed her eyes, wishing with all her being Loki made it in one piece. It had been little over a week since the destruction of Asgard, at least for her. Loki didn't have much notion of time in space.
She'd spend those days trying to keep her head busy. She started training Wanda, who had come back with Steve and Natasha for a short visit.
Wanda was a great student. It wasn't just how powerful she was, but a matter of redirecting all that energy in a useful form. Wanda had to keep reminding herself that of she unleashed her powers mindlessly, her friends could easily get hurt too. So Sigyn recruited Natasha to help with Wanda.
Steve took over training with Bucky, who had been nothing more than a wet blanket since their last conversation.
Her foresight became his doom. Sigyn always knew when he'd come, and what he'd say. She wouldn't give him a chance to explain, cause there was nothing to explain. Nothing she didn't already know either.
Bucky was basically screwed. And Sigyn found it hard to care much for it.
She had other priorities now, and her heart was with Loki all the time. These snippets and conversations were sacred to her. In the cooling night air, Sigyn felt warmness spread through her, static ghosting over her skin. The equivalent of a hug. A short lived moment of calm: someone was coming.
Ooh, something has gotten you mad.
You can see who's coming.
Did you tell him that I will disembowel him?
Sigyn smiled to herself, and stood up before Bucky could sit by her side.
"The quinjet is ready to leave?" She said dryly, reading Bucky's mind before he could speak.
"Would you stop doing that?" Bucky huffed. "I've been trying to apologize-"
"You know I can read your mind." Sigyn interrupted. "You don't want to apologize. You want to justify yourself, and there's a difference." She tried to walk to the hangar, but Bucky stood in front of her.
"What am I supposed to do then?"
"Get over it." She stated. "I've said it before: what you want from me is never going to happen."
Bucky hung his head. "I-"
"You have hope, you think you can convince me that you are 'better'." She said adding air quotes to the word. "It doesn't work like that!"
"I know."
"You always say that."
Sigyn huffed and shook her head. In a sudden move, she put her hand on Bucky's chest, making him gasp loudly. The feelings he was being fed were too much. Love, respect, trust, warmth, passion, compassion… a thousand years of sharing everything. The way it filled his every single cell was overwhelming. He started shaking, his body not able to contain the surge of emotions.
"You can't go against it, Bucky." Sigyn said softly, releasing him from the spell. "Nor I would let you."
.-
The quinjet left Sigyn in London before taking Steve, Natasha and Wanda to Belfast. Stephen Strange was waiting for her in the made up landing site, portal ready to get back to the sanctum. He even had tea for her, and they had a pleasant breakfast while discussing Sigyn's lessons, healing magic and information about Thanos.
One unspoken question hung over them. Stephen didn't know how to ask.
"I thought you didn't like me reading your mind." Sigyn smiled knowingly.
"Just this once…" He said.
"I cannot heal what's already dead, Stephen."
"I am not dead." He mused.
"You're a doctor. What happens when you cut the basic supply systems of a cell?"
"It dies." Stephen shifted in his chair. "But it has been proven that some nervous cells are capable of regenerating."
"Indeed. Living cells are capable of multiply and replace the damaged tissue. Those cells already did their job and fixed your hands the best they could."
He let out a deep breath. "But it wasn't enough."
"What is dead cannot be healed, cause there's nothing to heal."
Stephen sighed deeply. "I know now why none of my experiments worked."
"I am sorry. I can lessen the tremor if you want me to." Sigyn offered, getting a confused look from Stephen. "The new tissue is hyperexcitable. That I can fix. It won't stop the tremors completely, but it will help."
He nodded and extended his trembling hands on the table.
"Let's make a lesson out of this." She said.
Sigyn took one of Stephen's hand in between her own. A golden light made his hand glow, it felt warm and prickly.
"As you must know, magic in its simplest form is energy manipulation." She explained, and he nodded. "What you do with spells is channel energy, manipulate it, bend it, stretch it. You can open a portal to another dimension, send a message across the multiverse." His hand started to burn a little, and the softening scars itched. "Healing is trickier cause you're not dealing with something lifeless that will bend to your command. Life has her own way and you're trying to make her go in the other direction."
"Entropy." He said in realization. "The universe tends to chaos." Stephen watched Sigyn nod and smile. "Is that why you married him?"
"There are many reasons for that." She answered. "Chaos is part of his nature, makes sense that most people don't like him when they spend all their lives trying to control something they can't. Odin tried, Thor tried, Frigga tried…"
"And you succeeded."
Sigyn shook her head. "I didn't try. I never wanted to control him. I understand his nature and just go with it." She said. "I love him for everything he is. Why would I try to change him?"
The burning feeling on his hand got worse, and Stephen flinched.
"I think that's enough for today." Sigyn said, the gold glow fading a bit.
"I can take it." He started, wanting her to continue.
"But your hand can't."
The hot sensation was replaced by a cool soothing one. Stephen relaxed and moved his hand. He immediately noticed the difference between the one Sigyn had treated and the one she hadn't. He smiled.
"Above all, a healer needs patience, and a real high frustration tolerance." She stood up and walked to one of the many portals. "The Ancient One used to have a garden here."
"Yes, it was moved to the upper floor."
Stephen led her upstairs and inside the garden. Sigyn picked a tree and took a fruit. Without separating it from the branch, she summoned a small blade and cut a deep gash on it.
"Heal it." She ordered. "Will its energy to heal itself."
Stephen looked confused, but still put his hand on it. Orange circlets surrounded his hand and the fruit. He concentrated hard, feeling the resistance from the life force of the fruit. He managed to heal barely half an inch at the bottom of the gash before he had to rest.
"It's much harder than you make it look."
"I've had 5 of your lifetimes of training." She smiled. "Again."
Stephen repeated the exercise several more times, with little success. He was draining himself with the effort. His orange circlets were dimmer with each attempt.
"Enough." Sigyn said when the last circlet broke mid try. "You fight against it too much. It must heal itself, you just have to guide it."
The lesson kept going for another hour, until Stephen was sweating and exhausted. Sigyn made him stop despite his protests, and gave him a few titles to read.
The next few days followed the same pattern. It was hard for her to teach Stephen patience. So she had him meditate for a few hours every morning. Whatever progress was slow, but it was there. He also had to be very grateful, Sigyn's treatment of his hands had greatly reduced the shaking.
Loki also made a few appearances on the Sanctum, just to inform Stephen that he was fulfilling his part of the deal and how their situation had changed. Stephen was very understanding of Asgard's situation, but he was just one man, in no position of power. Combining efforts, they tried to get a portal to the ship, but the gem was too powerful and would resist any treatment. There was nothing for them to do but go at the speed of the cruiser.
Loki didn't like that. Fear grew inside of him with each passing day. He needed to get to Midgard, but at the same time dreaded it. Would people of Earth actually let him live there? Loki didn't need him to like him, he just needed some peace. Peace he hadn't seen in 300 years.
He was staring out the bay window when Thor found him.
"May is ask what is on your mind?" Thor asked. "You've been growing restless lately."
"I'm just wondering if it's a good idea to bring me back to Midgard." Loki said.
"Probably not, to be honest." Thor chuckled, he needed no explanation for Loki's reservations. "But I wouldn't worry, brother. I feel like everything's gonna work out fine. Besides, there's someone waiting for you over there." Thor added with a smirk.
Loki couldn't manage to hide his smile, almost rolling his eyes at his brother's optimism. He wished he could feel that way too, but hope was still uncomfortable and terrifying. Thor patted Loki's back, sharing a smile, but it quickly faded as both brothers observed the large shadow that loomed over their ship.