A/N: Song for this chapter: White Flag, Dido

CHAPTER 20

Karrde sees us off, doing his best to act like an overprotective father as he says good-bye. As always, I'm tempted to remind him that he's not much older than me, but it never makes a difference—Karrde's protectiveness knows no bounds. I can't complain that much, considering I never had a father figure before him. Well, not one I'd like to remember, anyway.

Luke does his best to stay out of my way in the cockpit as we undock and set a course for Nirauan, even though he's practically drooling as he examines the controls while he thinks I'm not watching. Once we enter hyperspace, I lean back in the captain's chair and eye him thoughtfully. "Like what you see, Skywalker?"

He looks at me for a moment with a shocked expression, then lets out his breath as he realizes that I'm talking about the ship. "It's fantastic, Mara," he says. "I'd love a chance to fly her sometime."

"Over my dead body," I retort, only half-joking. I expect him to laugh, but instead his lip twitches and he stares straight ahead out the viewport, suddenly looking very worried. "Luke?" He doesn't respond, so I poke him on the arm. "Hey, Jedi Master. Wake up."

"What?" he responds, shaking himself back into focus. "Oh. Sorry. I, uh, got distracted there."

"Yeah, sure." I roll my eyes. "So, are you gonna tell me why you insisted on taking this little jaunt with me to Wild Space, or what?"

"What do you think?" he teases.

I smile. There's the Luke Skywalker that I know so well.

He changes the subject before I can prod him some more. "So, are you going to tell me just where we're going? I assume it's somewhere in Wild Space, since you just let that slip."

I mentally slap myself. "Sure, why not," I sigh. "You'll find out eventually. It's a planet called Nirauan."

"Never heard of it. What's there?"

I regard him, waiting for his reaction. "Sate Pestage."

It takes a second for Luke to recognize the name. As he does, his eyes go wide. "You're kidding, right?"

"Unfortunately, I'm not."

"You mean…former Imperial Grand Vizier Sate Pestage?"

"That's the one."

"The man who tried to turn over Coruscant to the New Republic and was then reportedly killed on orders of Ysanne Isard?"

I shake my head at how ridiculous that explanation sounds. "Yeah. It's the same guy, all right."

"Oh. When the hell did this happen?"

I burst out laughing at Luke's bewilderment, even though the situation isn't funny at all. "I spoke with him at the ball," I reply.

"That was quite the night for you, then."

"Yeah," I chuckle. "Then a few days ago I got a message from him asking me to meet him on Nirauan to discuss 'the future of the Empire.'"

"Why would he want to talk to you about that?" Luke asks, looking disturbed.

"Isn't it obvious? I was the Emperor's Hand, after all."

"Was," he points out.

"Doesn't matter. Ever since it became public what I once was, all those old Imperials have been clamoring to get in my good graces. They see me as a connection to Palpatine, and therefore the old Empire, no matter what I might have done since then."

Luke considers this for a moment. "Do you think it's really him, or a clone?"

"It was definitely the same man. And he's got big plans."

"On Nirauan?"

"Apparently."

"But why wouldn't he just join the Remnant? What do you think he's trying to do?"

I shrug. "I really don't know. He doesn't trust the Remnant, but he doesn't seem to want to join the New Republic, either. He's planning something, but I don't know what. That's why I'm—well, we're—going there."

Luke shakes his head and laughs. "Um…perhaps you were right…he won't like me being there."

"No, you don't say?" I bite out.

Luke rubs his face with his palms. "So…what do we tell them about me being there?"

"How good are you at Force projections?" I ask.

"Are you serious?"

"Very."

Luke chews his lip, then shakes his head. "I don't know if I'll be able to keep a Force projection in place that long. And I'm too well known, so if it falters, they'll pick up on it right away. Do you have anything onboard that could be useful as a disguise?"

"Oh, sure, I always keep dress-up clothes in my ship," I reply sarcastically. "You've found my weakness, Skywalker—costumes."

"You don't have to be so snippy, it was worth asking."

"It's too bad we don't have any more of those plants we found on Myrkr, eh?"

"Thank the Force, those things hurt like a rancor."

"Well, they didn't seem to slow you down at all—the plants or the rancor," I offer, and Luke smiles in return. "I guess we'll have to be forthcoming about your presence," I continue.

"Which brings us back to my earlier question—how exactly do we explain why I'm there?"

I prop my chin in my hands, and then it hits me. I snap my fingers and point at him, then back to me. "We're a couple."

"…Excuse me?"

"We'll act like we're together. Then it will make sense for you to be with me," I explain.

"Um…don't you think they would know if that were true or not?" Luke asks, sounding very uncomfortable with the idea. "It'd be all over the HoloNet in a second if we were a couple."

"What, relationships can't be secretive? Besides, people did see us together at the ball last week."

"Yeah—arguing," Luke points out.

"And couples don't argue? Aren't you related to Han and Leia Solo?"

Luke sighs. "You're not gonna give up this, are you, Mara?"

"Why, you have a better idea?"

"Fine," Luke relents, sighing heavily. "I'll be your devoted manservant. Happy now?"

I glance at him. He senses me watching him, and gazes back at me. Our eyes lock for long seconds.

Then we both look away.

Luke and I spend the next few days acting unusually civil towards each other. I show him around the Fire, he cooks for me, we discuss Pestage's intentions, we play sabacc.

We do everything but discuss why I'm no longer at the Academy, and why Luke has taken complete control of the Jedi Order since I left.

By the end of the last day of our voyage, it is obvious that we are ready to explode at each other.

It all starts innocently enough.

"So do you still work out with your lightsaber?" Luke asks over another round of sabacc.

I raise an eyebrow at him over the hand splayed out in front of my face. "I don't really have much of an opportunity to do so anymore. There aren't many people skilled with a lightsaber onboard the Wild Karrde," I reply with a smirk.

"Oh." He lays down a card. "I can give you a remote if you'd like," he offers.

My annoyance grows at his persistent insistence that I continue my training, but I push it down. "Sure, thanks."

We continue to play in silence, slapping down cards with increasing intensity.

As Luke reaches close to me to pick up another card, just barely brushing my hand, he tries again. "We can always spar now if you're bored with sabacc."

I know that I should refuse. Sparring with Luke leads to very bad things.

I meet his eyes, and they twinkle, issuing me a challenge I cannot refuse. "Fine," I answer.

We're out of our seats in seconds. We make our way to an open area of the ship, and he ignites his lightsaber. I follow suit, bouncing on my toes in anticipation. After a moment he charges, and I parry.

Even after so long, sparring with Luke comes so incredibly natural that I can't even begin to comprehend it. We dance around each other, ducking each other's blows and thwarting every oncoming strike. Once again, I feel as if I'm fighting with him, instead of against him. Our minds start to open up to one another and I sense all his self-doubt about leading the Jedi Order, all his grief about me leaving him, and his profound desire for me to earn my place as a Jedi.

Through all of this, I try to shield my thoughts from him, but I know that it is futile. I grimace, trying to cover up my true feelings now that I am standing in front of him again.

The fight goes on for a long time without either of us getting disarmed. Eventually, as expected, Luke gets the best of me and knocks my lightsaber out of my hand. The air grows silent as the hilt finishes clanging against the ground.

I stare up at him. He glares down at me. We stand face to face, our lips mere centimeters apart, both panting heavily.

He reaches out to caress my cheek.

That damn shiver goes down my spine again.

I abruptly turn away and call my lightsaber back to my hand.

I hear Luke sigh behind me. "You're still so amazing, Mara."

I whip around and glare at him. "Don't start," I grind out.

He doesn't back down. "Why not? We've got nothing better to do."

"I can't do this right now, Luke."

"Then when can you?"

I brush past him and stalk back to the living quarters. He follows me.

I whirl around on him as he attempts to enter the room behind me. "What do you want?" I snarl.

He doesn't mince words. "I want you to come back to Yavin IV and finish your training."

"No."

"Why not?" he presses.

I flop down on the bottom bunk. "Because nothing has changed. And yet everything has." He hesitantly sits down next to me and gives me a curious look. "I'm never going to be able to reach my full potential."

"You would if you'd just face your past, Mara," he says.

"That won't change anything," I argue.

"How do you know?"

"Because I just know, okay! Maybe I have faced my past, and I don't like what I see at all, did you ever think of that?"

"So, what, you're never going to forgive yourself for being the Emperor's Hand? Even though you know that everything that you did, everything that you were, was because of the Emperor, and not your own choice?"

I lean back on the wall, placing my head in my hands. "It's not that easy, Luke. I can't just decide to forgive myself, and be done with it."

Hesitantly, Luke slides closer to me and places his arm around my shoulder. "I wish you'd let me help you."

I stare straight at the wall through my hands, and he moves even closer to me. "I know that you feel guilty," he whispers against my face. His fingers brush through the ends of my braid. "I know it's hard to come to terms with what you've done. But you can't live your life like this. You can't keep running away."

I turn my head back to him, green eyes blazing. "Just forget it, Skywalker," I growl.

He stares back at me, his blue eyes flashing at my stubbornness. "Fine," Luke says, removing his arm and pushing away. "If you want to make this so difficult for yourself, go ahead. It's what you're best at."

I don't know how to respond to him, so I change the subject. "Why won't you tell me why you demanded to come along with me?"

Now Luke looks away, avoiding my gaze. "I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay."

"So you decided to fly all the way out to the Wild Karrde instead of sending me a message? And once you found out I was okay, you felt the urge to tag along with me, and leave behind your precious Academy?"

He doesn't take my bait. "I told you, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay," he repeats.

"You care to be more specific?"

"No. Please don't ask me anything more about it."

"Oh, so now you're the one who's going to be stubborn?"

"I learned from the best."

I give him an ironic smile. "Fine. Since you won't talk about that, why don't you tell me why you've taken complete control of the Jedi Order since I left the Academy?"

"How about I don't."

"Oh come on, Luke. I told you mine, you tell me yours."

He glares at me. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe let people help you?"

"You don't understand, Mara."

"Make me," I challenge.

He sighs. He looks so helpless, and so defeated. I want nothing more than to put my arms around him and hug him and make everything better, or to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle him.

Instead I give him an icy stare. Every single annoyance I've had towards him over the past year for what he's done to the Jedi Order comes bubbling to the surface, and I can't contain it anymore. "You're gonna kill the Order if you keep doing this, Luke. I thought you learned this long ago. You can't do it all by yourself."

He gives me an incredulous look. "Oh, that's rich. Now you consider the Order."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"You left, Mara! What the hell was I supposed to do?" he repeats.

"What does me leaving the Academy have to do with how you decide to run the Jedi Order?"

"Everything!" he exclaims, reaching his arms out to shake me, and I flinch at the intensity of his voice. "Don't you get it? Don't you think that I began to plan things around you being there? I envisioned you helping me shape the Order. I envisioned you training apprentices alongside of me. You would have been amazing, Mara. And later, after everything that happened between us, I even began to imagine sharing a life with you, if only you'd do me the honor of having me.

"But then you left, as soon as I finally got my head on straight and told you exactly how I felt, because you're too damn stubborn to let me help you. I knew the reason you gave me for leaving was a bunch of poodoo, but I didn't press you, thinking that you needed some time to yourself and once you got that all figured out, you'd return to finish your training and we could be together again. But then you never came back, and I didn't know what else to do, so I did the only thing I could think of—I dove headfirst into the Order. I took control. The Order is the only thing that I can control."

I am speechless by all his revelations, and have to blink rapidly to keep myself from tearing up out of sadness and anger and bitterness. But I make myself respond, fighting on like the soldier that I am. "You can't control it all on your own. It's going to kill you if you keep doing this, Luke."

"Oh, now all of a sudden you care about me."

I take a deep breath to keep from yelling at him. "You know that my leaving had nothing to do with what happened between us—"

"That's what you say."

"You know that it's true, Luke!"

"Yes, of course I know!" he explodes, launching himself from the bunk and pacing around rapidly. "I know exactly what that night meant to both of us! I was so happy, Mara, thinking that we could finally be together, and I know that you were, too. I felt it. I saw it in your eyes. It was…something I'd never before experienced. It was the happiest moment of my life."

He turns back to me with tremendous pain and anger in his eyes. "And then you left. The fact that your leaving had nothing to do with what happened between us makes it even worse, don't you understand? Because despite everything that we shared…despite how deeply I know that you cared for me…you still left. What I have to offer you wasn't enough. It'll never be enough, will it?"

"I had no choice, Luke," I whisper.

"Oh, I am so sick of this! What's it going to take for you to finally be able to forgive yourself?" Luke exclaims.

I bite my lip. "I don't know," I reply. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did as the Emperor's Hand. I don't know if I will ever feel that I deserve to be a Jedi, or that I deserve to be with Luke. I wish I could just wave my hand and make it all go away. But I can't change the past—I can only move forward.

I stare down at my hands, unable to look at him, and then, before I know what's happening, years of bitterness and anger erupt to the surface, and I'm throwing another barb at him:

"When are you finally going to stop taking responsibility for everything else in the galaxy but your own damn happiness?"

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. They are so incredibly hypocritical that I want to slap myself for saying them. Luke's expression changes to one of pure anger, but then the mask falls into place once again. He nods curtly, and turns on his heel to exit the quarters.

Before he leaves, without even looking back, he launches one more volley at me:

"At least I don't keep running away."

Then, he is gone.

This round goes to Luke Skywalker.

Later that night, after I've already settled in to my bunk, I hear the door to the living quarters slide open. Luke steps in quietly, and for a few seconds, he stands over me, the sounds of his breathing mixing in with the whir of the hyperdrive. It is unexpectedly calming.

Before he can climb to the top bunk, I slide over, making room for him next to me. He hesitates for a moment, then wordlessly accepts my invitation, pulling the covers over him. At first we just lie there, barely touching, but then he breathes a heavy sigh and turns on his side, wrapping his arms around me. Without opening my eyes, I collapse into his embrace and bury my head in his chest, unable to look at him after yet another argument between us.

Then, once again listening to his heartbeat, I can't hold it in any longer. I begin to cry silently against him, letting out all my frustration and anguish at the path my life has taken. Even though I have hurt him deeply, Luke consoles me as only he can, stroking my hair and sending out calming waves through the Force.

I don't have to tell him that I'm sorry. He already knows.

We lay there for a long time, wrapped up in each other's arms, until my tears finally begin to subside. Then Luke cups my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him as his thumbs gently brush away my remaining tears. He gives me a timid smile.

"I never stopped loving you," he whispers. "No matter what happens, I want you to know that. I'll never stop."

A lump forms in my throat, and I cannot say the words back to him…but then again, with him, I don't have to. I just pull him to me and press my lips to his, grateful to once again be in his arms, if only for just one more night.