A Song of Their Own

Chapter 21

The days were starting to pass quickly, now that they had a routine going. Henry was off to school every morning, Reid to his work out, JJ to her run, her journaling and whatever else came her way. She began to feel like she should be back at work, and contacted Hotch to say so.

"JJ, have you met with the grief counselor yet?" He knew she hadn't.

She hesitated, knowing that he knew. "No, I haven't. But I don't know that I need to, Hotch. I'm working through everything, finally. I know I didn't let it near me when we were in New Orleans, but that was for survival, really. Now that we've been home for a few weeks, I've been dealing with it, and I think I'm ready to come back." When the silence on the other end was prolonged, she felt compelled to fill it. "I'm okay, Hotch. Really."

From personal experience as well as from his experience as a team leader, he knew better. He didn't argue with her. "JJ, I want you to meet with the grief counselor." He made it a command. "It will be necessary before you can resume full duty."

Defeated, JJ gave in. "All right, I'll meet with the counselor. How do I set it up?"

The journal was out and she was writing furiously.

"Hotch is making me go to grief counseling. As though someone else could possibly tell me how to grieve a relationship that only I have experienced. I've been resisting it. You, dear journal, have provided me the outlet and the chance to gain insight.

And Spence has been my true support. I would have called him my rock, but sometimes he sobs right along with me. I don't think he's grieving Will. I think he's grieving for Henry. Spence knows what it's like to grow up without a father. And even though it's a totally different circumstance, even though he didn't have that life himself, he mourns for the life that Henry won't have now. And so do I."

She'd been getting a handle on her emotions, but tears still came now and then. This was one of those times.

"I went to a Narc Anon meeting last week. I never knew there was that much heartbreak in the world! Even though I deal with some of the most disturbed individuals on the planet, and the families they've irreparably hurt, I guess I never realized quite how much havoc a simple chemical can cause in the life of a family. But now I know why Spence was insistent that I go. I don't really fear that he will relapse. His circumstance was too extraordinary, and his addiction so short lived. Even Dr. Vargas didn't think he would have a chemical trigger to relapse. But Spence asks so little of me. How can I do anything but honor his wishes?

Spence went to church with us for the first time! I was surprised. I guess I'd pictured him being there for the first time as I was walking down the aisle to him. But he wanted to go on Thanksgiving morning, and then again on Sunday. He doesn't look uncomfortable there, but he doesn't look comfortable, either. I think I'll have to wait and see on this one. I tried to ask him about it, but he put me off. Said he needed to think about it for a while.

Spence got a letter from Minnow, the little girl whose life he saved. She wanted to thank him. And then Phil sent me a copy of a letter she sent to him, telling him how Will was so good to her, the only man in her life who'd ever been nice to her. When I think about Henry being traumatized by losing Will….and then I think about the trauma Minnow has been through…I wonder how children survive their childhoods. And then I look at Spence, who had his own traumatized youth, and I see what he's become…..and it gives me hope, for Henry and for Minnow.

It makes me wonder….when there is so much darkness enveloping us….how do we find our way to the light? How does it get through to us? And yet it always does. I count on that more than I can say. I'm counting on it for Henry, and I'll pray that it happens for Minnow as well. I know that, if I can find my own way to the light, I'm going to lead the way for Henry. But most of the time I think he's leading me. And I think Spence holds some of that light for both of us."

The content of JJ's thought wasn't always so heavy. This was, after all, the time leading up to Christmas. Henry wasn't so interested in her attempts to teach him about Advent as he was in wondering what, exactly, Santa was up to these days. Reid didn't help her efforts at all, looking every bit as eager for the holiday to come as was his godson. And she didn't mind it for a minute. After his statement at Thanksgiving, JJ was determined to give Reid the Christmas he'd never had before. She didn't start out with the same spirit as in years past, but her aim to make it good for her 'boys' helped her to overcome that.

"Uncle Spence, when can we get our tree?"

Reid was learning not to punt all of these questions to JJ. "How about this weekend? What kind of tree should we get?"

"A big, big one, Uncle Spence. Bigger than the whole house!"

"Uh, Henry? How will we fit it inside if it's bigger than the whole house?"

"Oh, okay. But a big, big one, this wide.." And he held out his little arms as wide as they would go. Prompting Reid to do the same with his own arms.

"This wide, Henry?"

Henry thought that would do just fine. So, the following Saturday, the three of them set out to find the perfect Christmas tree. As they wandered up and down the rows at the tree farm, Reid offered a running commentary on the selection. He'd researched the pros and cons of each of them, and had clearly made a choice on the variety.

"Did you know that the needles of the Douglas fir have one of the best aromas? When they're crushed, of course, which would mean we'd have to crush a few needles every day. Did you know that the Douglas fir was named after David Douglas? He studied them back in the nineteenth century. They can live for a thousand years….as long as they're not cut down, of course."

By now he'd accumulated an audience. It seemed most of the customers assumed he was part of the staff, and started asking him to bind and carry trees for them. Reid was perplexed, JJ amused. She wondered if this was indicative of how every major (and minor) shopping expedition would be from now on.

Eventually they found just the right tree, a Douglas fir, as wide as Reid's arms and as tall as his head. It was bound and tied to the top of their vehicle, and they were ready to go home. But first they had another stop to make.

"Yay! We're going to see Santa!" Henry had been more excited about this than about getting the tree. His list had been ready for over a week, having been part of an exercise in writing for his kindergarten class. He hadn't let JJ or Reid see it. "It's for Santa," he'd explained.

JJ was hoping he'd relent, as she needed an idea what it was he wanted Santa to bring. She'd enlisted her mother and Penelope to try to get it out of him, but he'd insisted it was between him and the guy in the red suit. So now she was hoping to glean something as he shared his wish list with the Santa at the mall.

The place was completely decked out for the holidays, and bustling with customers.

I think I'm allergic to malls, thought Reid. His brain went into immediate overload, his visual and auditory senses assaultingly overstimulated, his mind thrown into a fog.

"Can't I wait for you outside?"

"Spence, you'll miss watching Henry with Santa."

"You can text me. I'll come back in." Pause. "Please, JJ?" He was begging.

She studied him for a moment. Conceding that she probably shouldn't stress him out in his recovery period, she gave in. "Oh, all right. I'll wait with Henry and text you when to come."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could kiss you. In fact, I think I will." And he did. Turning her attention back to Henry, she didn't see him make a detour on his way to the exit.

An hour later, Henry made it to Santa's lap, and Reid made it back just in time to witness the tradition he'd missed as a child. Reflecting on the process, he thought, maybe Mom was right about some of this. I could do without the 'mall-Santa' experience.

JJ could remember times when Henry was afraid of Santa, but they were apparently in the past. He seemed to be very earnest, talking to the man and giving over his list. Santa looked at it, gave it back to Henry and nodded his head in JJ's direction. Henry looked at him with uncertainty, but then smiled when he received his candy cane and ran back into JJ's arms.

"Well, did you tell Santa what you wanted, Henry?"

"Yep. And he gave me a candy cane!"

"Henry, do you want to tell Mommy what you asked Santa for?"

Henry thought a moment, then decided to disclose. "I asked him for a new bike and a scooter. And a magic kit."

Reid's brows went up at the last item. I know just the thing, my little apprentice.

JJ was relieved. Finally. Now I can go shopping.

Reid went to church with them the next morning. I wish he would tell me what he's thinking about it. But I can tell I'm going to have to wait him out. Maybe he doesn't know yet himself.

It was a chilly, overcast day, with a prediction for flurries later. "A perfect time for decorating our tree!" JJ made hot chocolate and cookies, and the three set about making their Douglas fir even more beautiful.

Out of the corner of her eye, JJ watched Reid. He'd already shared with her that he'd never done this before. Even when his father had been living in the house, his mother's illness had precluded them having any kind of decoration or acknowledgement of the holiday. JJ wasn't all that surprised to see that he decorated the tree similarly to how he dressed…..with little eye to color, symmetry or style. And his godson seemed to have inherited that from him. So she kept subtly moving and replacing ornaments that they'd hung, giving prominence to those that had sentimental value, and especially to those made by Henry in school. She'd put music on in the background, and was surprised when Reid seemed to be familiar with the carols.

"I had headphones. Mom didn't know, they were hidden under my mattress. If she'd seen me wearing them, she would have thought it was a plot to brainwash me. But I listened to books on tape and, sometimes, to the radio. At Christmas, they played carols on every station. And I felt a little, I don't know…..normal, I guess…listening to them, doing what everybody else was doing."

JJ crossed the room to hug the little boy who'd had to hide his Christmas carols, and to kiss her fiancé. "Those days are behind you now, Spence. Now you can listen to them until you can't stand them another minute, just like the rest of us."

"Ha, Ha. Except for the 'Christmas donkey', I don't think that will ever happen. I could sing them all day, especially that song about the hula hoop." He turned her around, putting his arm around her. "Look at that tree, JJ. Has there ever been one more beautiful? I love Christmas!"

He couldn't see it, but JJ was smiling as much on the inside as she was on the outside.

The weekend was over, and the time of JJ's appointment was at hand.

She entered the office hesitantly. JJ had never dealt with a counselor of any sort before. When Emily "died", Hotch had done the grief assessments. Since she was in on the deception, they hadn't scheduled anything. Later, she wished she'd had time to talk it over with someone else in a similar position. Having a major lie in that space between herself and the other team members had taken a toll on her emotionally. Especially when she'd felt compelled to reach out to comfort the one with whom she'd been closest. That they were together now, planning to be married, was a miracle, she thought. I didn't think we could get past that, ever. But we did.

Dr. Irene Haughton subcontracted to several government agencies to provide counseling to their employees. Her specialty was grief. She greeted JJ cordially, and invited her to sit.

"I understand from the consult note that you've suffered a loss very recently, Agent Jareau. The father of your child?"

JJ nodded. She knew she was supposed to start talking now, but wasn't comfortable with the whole process. She always held her thoughts and feelings close to her, sharing them only with a trusted few. This was going to be difficult.

Dr. Haughton had been here before. "Would you like to tell me about him, Agent?" Pause. "May I use your first name? Jennifer? I would be happy to have you call me Irene."

"It's JJ. They call me JJ."

"Okay, JJ. Would you like to tell me about the father of your child?"

It took her a while to start, and she found herself looking out the window as she spoke, avoiding eye contact.

"His name was Will. He was a detective. We met when we were in New Orleans on a case. He'd lost his father to the hurricane, and he was pursuing an old case of his father's, to honor him." She looked back at Irene. "I admired that about him. And I guess I wanted to take care of him a little. And he was such a flirt!" JJ smiled at the memory.

Dr. Haughton leaned forward to encourage her to continue.

"We kept in touch after that and after a while I started to visit him in New Orleans. I'm kind of a private person, so I hadn't told my team." She laughed to herself. "I guess I forgot they were profilers. They knew anyway. We saw each other long distance for about a year, and then….I got pregnant. We weren't planning it at all. And I still wasn't thinking it meant we would stay together. But he did. He quit his job and moved to DC."

She looked up at Dr. Haughton. "What else could I do? We moved in together. I thought maybe we could make a life together. I hoped it. And when Henry was born, I really thought we would do it. We tried, we really tried. But it didn't hold. I don't know how to explain it, even to myself. I'd always been able to do anything I put my mind to, but I couldn't make us the right people for each other. So, eventually, we separated. Will moved back to New Orleans. Henry stayed with me, but Will did his best to be in touch and to visit. He even took Henry to New Orleans once, to visit with his family."

"How old is Henry now?"

"He just turned five, just over a month ago."

"It must be very hard for both of you, then."

"I think I'm doing okay, now. It was hard in New Orleans, but once I was able to bring Spence home, once he was doing better, I felt like I could breathe again."

"Spence? Is he the fiancé?" Apparently that was on the consult request as well.

"Yes, we're planning to be married in the spring. He's also Henry's godfather." At Dr. Haughton's inquiring look, JJ went through her history with Reid as a member of the team, as one of her best friends, as her support in Will's absence and, finally, as the person she'd chosen to spend the rest of her life with.

Dr. Haughton was understanding. "And he was hurt in the same incident when Will was killed?"

JJ knew her therapist had clearance to discuss active cases. "They were both trying to save a little girl from being shot. Will had been undercover for months, and he'd been out of contact for most of that time. We started to make some noise about it….just asking through agency contacts….because I was worried that something had happened to him. It's a long story, but it ended up being connected to another case we'd been called in on. As things went on, it came down to Spence being the only person who could actually make contact with Will. They both tried to get the little girl out safely, but there was a mix up at another point in the investigation and things fell apart. In that damn basement. They were both shot trying to save that little girl." Her voice had lowered in pitch and volume as she'd told the story. It was JJ's way to gain control.

Dr. Haughton's gaze was intense. "And you were there?"

JJ was shaking her head. "I only wish I'd been there. Maybe I could have helped. Maybe Will wouldn't have died. Maybe Spence wouldn't have been so near death." She looked up. "But no, I …..we, the rest of the team….got there after they'd both been shot. That poor little girl ended up having to save herself, with Spence's gun."

"Tell me about when you got to the basement."

JJ had to swallow her emotion back down before continuing. It tasted like bile. "I walked into the basement…..and I saw Will. I couldn't see his face….and he was disguised anyway….but I knew it was him. There was blood under him, a lot of blood. And I ran to him…and he had no pulse…..he had no pulse." The rest of her story was punctuated by long pauses between thoughts.

"Rossi pulled me away, and started doing CPR." Pause. "And then Morgan….he'd already checked the unsub and declared him dead…Morgan said there was somebody else down. And then I heard him talking to Minnow….the little girl, she was still holding Spence's gun…..and he got her to put it down." Pause.

"And then I heard him yelling that Spence was shot, and then he picked him up….and I saw him. Morgan was carrying him. He was carrying Spence. He wasn't conscious, but he was breathing. I could tell, because every time he took a breath, this bloody foam came out of his mouth."

Unexpectedly…to her, at least….JJ was overcome with the memory. Her hands went to her face and she started sobbing. When she could speak again, she cried, "Oh, God, I thought I would lose both of them that day!"

She told Dr. Haughton about the time at the hospital, ending with the loss of Will. "I couldn't bring myself to go in and see him. I didn't want to remember him that way. Not just for me, but for Henry. I don't know why, but I thought it was important for me to have a mental picture of a vibrant, active Will when I talk to Henry about his father."

"That's understandable, JJ. What about your fiancé?"

"He's doing well, thank God. He could have died, but Morgan saved him. Something told him to bring Spence to the hospital himself. The doctor said he saved Spence's life."

"You must be very grateful."

It was only in that moment that JJ realized she'd never spoken with Morgan about it. Never asked him if he was okay. Never thanked him.

Dr. Haughton went on. "And how is Spence dealing with all of this?"

JJ was diffident. "He's okay, he's healing well. He'll be back to work in a few weeks."

"I meant how is he dealing with the aftermath."

JJ hadn't yet shared about Reid's history of addiction, so didn't know what Irene might be getting at. She took a guess. "He's sad for Henry, and for me. But he seems mostly okay."

Irene decided to get specific and brought up the idea of survivor guilt. "I meant, how is he dealing with being the one who is still alive, when the other two men are dead? How is he dealing with knowing that his future step-son's father died, and he didn't?"

In that moment, JJ realized why Reid had needed to meet with Hotch. And why he couldn't tell her. Before this conversation, she wouldn't have understood.

They spoke a little about survivor guilt and how to deal with it. And then Dr. Haughton got to the crux of the matter.

"And how are you dealing with your own guilt?"

JJ was confused. "My guilt?"

"Your own guilt. You know, the cascade. If you hadn't inquired, the task force wouldn't have been formed. Your team wouldn't have been involved. Your fiancé wouldn't have been there…."

"Spence wouldn't have been shot. And Will wouldn't be dead." JJ finished it for her. And then virtually collapsed in her chair, as she cried, "and Henry would still have his father!" Her hands were at her face again. "Please don't tell me this is my fault!"

Dr. Haughton studied her in silence for a long time. "It's not my voice you're hearing, JJ. It's your own."

Dr. Haughton let JJ cry it out. "And you need to know it's a lie. It's a lie. None of this is your fault."

"How can you say that?" JJ argued. "Will is dead because of something I started."

This part was easy for Dr. Haughton. She just had her patient recite the facts, and then listen to them with new ears.

"Your fault. Did you kidnap children?" JJ shook her head. "Sell them into prostitution? Abuse them?"

Each time, JJ shook her head.

"Did you force Will to go undercover?"

"No! I was upset with him for doing it. For putting himself at risk."

"Did you correctly deduce that he was in trouble?"

JJ nodded.

"And did you try to help him?"

It took her a long time to acknowledge this. Her 'helping' him had brought things to a head.

"Did you try to shoot a little girl?"

JJ knew this didn't require a response. By now, she was emotionally exhausted. She looked at Dr. Haughton.

"I didn't do it. I didn't cause Will to die. I didn't take Henry's father from him."

"No, JJ, you didn't. And now you need to do some forgiving. You need to forgive yourself for trying to do the right thing, even though it went wrong. And you need to forgive Will for doing the same thing."

Now the tears were cleansing, and not filled with self-recrimination. Dr. Haughton left her seat and moved to put her arm around JJ. She turned her head away so that her patient wouldn't see her own tears.