More angst I'm afraid. As always, please consider taking the time to review. Reviews encourage me to keep posting and writing. To those of you who so kindly review on a regular basis, my sincere thanks. It means a great deal.
Chapter Twenty-One
A night of restless tossing and turning accompanied by a distinct lack of sleep had done nothing to improve Ianto's mood.
He'd only just drifted into a fitful slumber when his alarm had jarred him back to reality, and even the discovery of the light blanket of snow that had fallen overnight – the first snowfall of the season – had failed to lift his spirits. When he was younger, he'd thought of snow as something magical and wondrous with its ability to transform even the ugliest of surroundings into something otherworldly and strangely beautiful. He'd stare out at the snow-covered landscape of the Cromwell Estate from the small window of his pokey bedroom and imagine that he'd been transported to some exotic world where the reality of his life was nothing but a distant memory.
He arrived at Jack's house, punctual as always, but refrained from going inside to make coffee. With dark, ominous clouds looming overhead, he hurried to get Jack's car washed and back into the garage. It was a futile endeavour to clean the car when the weather guaranteed it would be dirty again before the day was over, but it was his routine, and it gave him something useful to do. Unfortunately, it also gave his mind free rein to dwell on his troubles.
He loved Jack. He no longer had any question about that. If their circumstances were different, he could imagine happily sharing his life with Jack. In many ways, Jack was exactly what he'd been looking for. However, as things stood between them, he was on a path leading to unhappiness, bitterness and resentment. He was angry at himself for getting into this situation when every instinct had warned him against it. He'd been a fool, and he only had himself to blame. He was also angry at Jack, even though he knew that was entirely unfair. Jack's only real wrongdoing had been to be equally foolish, and he could hardly blame him for that.
Still, he deserved better, and so did Jack. So, as he drove the car back into the garage, he made a decision – come the new year, he would tender his resignation. It wasn't what he wanted, but it seemed like the only option. He needed to do something to break out of the downward spiral he'd sunken into. He didn't know what that would mean for him and Jack; he just knew that he couldn't continue to be Jack's employee as well as his pseudo-boyfriend. A part of him wondered if the reality was that he couldn't be either.
He spent longer cleaning the car than necessary, and it was almost midday when he finally entered the house, not having seen any sign of Jack all morning.
Then Jack appeared, just as he'd set their coffees down on the table, looking about as good as Ianto felt. Jack's hair was in disarray and sticking out in all directions, he was unshaven, and his attire consisted of faded jeans and a grey t-shirt beneath a blue hooded top. Even at his most dishevelled, Jack always looked gorgeous to Ianto's eyes, but his ungroomed appearance was nonetheless a startling contrast to the suave, glamorous man of the night before.
They greeted each other with a nod and a smile, although it was forced on Ianto's part and seemed similarly strained from Jack.
"Are you all right, Jack?" he asked after they'd both sat down and reached for their respective coffee mugs.
Jack sighed and pushed his fingers absently through his hair. "Yeah, I'm okay. Didn't sleep much last night. I spent most of the night working instead." He gave Ianto a searching look. "How about you?"
Ianto shrugged. "I'm fine."
Jack continued to study him for a moment, clearly not believing the lie, but he didn't push further, much to Ianto's relief. They sipped at their coffees, sharing the occasional glance, the silence between them tense rather than companionable.
"So, I was thinking," Jack began, studying the remains of his coffee before finally looking up and meeting Ianto's eyes. "How about I book us a suite at the St. David's for tonight? We can stay there instead of coming back to the house? Might be a nice change. Then tomorrow we can relax for the day and treat ourselves to the whole nine yards at their spa."
"Oh." Ianto was dismayed to realise that his first thought was to reject Jack's offer, whereas only a week ago he would have jumped at the chance to spend the time together. "Um... I'm meant to be helping my sister all day tomorrow. Christmas preparations."
Disappointment flickered over Jack's features, but he recovered quickly. "Of course. I should have realised."
"I'm sorry." Ianto looked at Jack with genuine regret. Regardless of his inner turmoil, he hated refusing Jack anything, and he'd now done it twice in as many days. Without thinking, he reached for Jack's hand and grasped it in his own for a moment before releasing it. "It's a lovely idea. Another time?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah. Another time." He stood up, taking his coffee mug with him. "Well, I've got some more work to do. Take the afternoon off, Ianto. No point in hanging around when there's nothing to do. Be back here at six-thirty, okay?"
Jack turned away, not waiting for Ianto's response before walking out of the room.
###
Jack was once again transformed as he met Ianto at the car that evening. Impeccably groomed and dressed in a grey suit with a black shirt open at the collar, he was a captivating sight and Ianto couldn't help but stare with a mixture of appreciation, longing and sadness.
There was only minimal conversation as he drove Jack to the St. David's Hotel, and there were no detours this time as Toshiko was attending the party with her boyfriend, Tommy. He supposed that all of Jack's staff would attend with their partners or boyfriends/girlfriends – all of them except for Jack. But Jack could hardly show up with his chauffeur at his side. Although no one really knew who he was except for Toshiko, some of Jack's employees must have seen him dropping off or collecting Jack from the office. Regardless, it wouldn't be hard for them to find out who he was, which would undoubtedly spark some interesting office gossip. He cringed at the thought.
He dropped Jack off at the main entrance of the hotel, not looking back as he drove away and headed to the nearby Red Dragon Centre, deciding that he'd get some dinner and fill in a couple of hours with a film at the cinema. He considered calling John to see if he was free and wanted to join him, but he thought better of it, not wanting to subject his friend to his bleak mood. Afterwards, he wandered aimlessly around Mermaid Quay and Roald Dahl Plass, retreating to a coffee shop when the cold got the better of him, then retrieved the car and returned to the hotel.
He was waiting near the entrance when Jack appeared amidst a group of people, including Toshiko. who was on the arm of a handsome dark-haired man of a similar age to Ianto, perhaps a little younger. She spotted him and waved, and he smiled and waved politely back. Then Jack saw him, and after some smiles and handshakes and a word of farewell to Toshiko and Tommy, extricated himself from the group and made his way over to the car.
Conversation was once again at a minimum. Ianto couldn't think of anything to say after enquiring if the party went well, so he remained silent for the duration of the journey.
"I don't suppose you're staying tonight?" Jack asked rather brusquely as Ianto brought the car to a stop at the front of the house.
"I should get home." Ianto tried to keep any emotion from his voice. "Busy day tomorrow."
Jack opened the car door and began to climb out, but then stopped and looked back at him. "Come inside for a minute first. I want to talk to you."
Ianto might have tried to protest, but Jack was already out of the car and striding up the steps to the front door. He unlocked and opened it, but remained standing at the threshold, apparently waiting for Ianto to join him. With no other choice, Ianto turned off the car's ignition and climbed out.
Jack rounded on him as soon as he'd closed the door behind them, a scowl darkening his features. "So, are you going to tell me what's going on? Why the cold shoulder all of a sudden?"
Ianto took a step back, his heart lodged somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. He hadn't wanted to get into this now, although he realised it was ridiculous to think that Jack would just leave things alone. "Jack..." he began, but then stopped, not knowing what to say.
Jack's expression changed into something closer to a confused frown. "What is it? Did I do something wrong?"
Ianto shook his head. "No. It's not you. Well, not exactly." He stopped again and tried to gather his thoughts. "Look, can we at least sit down."
Jack stared at him for a moment, but then nodded. He turned on the lights for the living room and gestured for Ianto to precede him. Glancing at the front door, Ianto wondered if Jack would give chase if he attempted to make a dash for freedom. He immediately chastised himself for being a coward and entered the room, taking his customary spot on the sofa.
Jack didn't immediately sit down, but joined him after retrieving a pair of glasses and a bottle of scotch. Keeping some distance between them as he sat down, he poured a measure into each glass and handed one to Ianto, who took it gratefully.
"Thanks." He tossed it back in one gulp, welcoming the burn as it hit the back of his throat. Jack silently offered a refill, but he shook his head and put down the empty glass. He stared down at his hands, knowing that Jack was watching him and waiting for him to talk.
"I don't think I can keep doing this," he began hesitantly. "Not the ways things are." He paused and glanced up at Jack. "Take last night, for example. I wanted to be with you. Not as your chauffeur, but as your equal. I wanted to be where Toshiko was. At your side. Watching you give your speech." He heard the bitterness creep into his voice, but he kept going. "Instead I had to play the part of the dutiful employee and pretend I didn't care that you were with someone else."
Jack sighed and put down his untouched drink. Several seconds passed before he looked up and began to speak. "Ianto, that was just a business function. It didn't mean anything. Anyway, you would have been bored out of your mind if you'd been there. Trust me, it wasn't very exciting."
The reasonable, matter-of-fact tone of Jack's voice fuelled Ianto's ire more than his actual words. He forced himself to hold Jack's gaze. "And tonight?"
Annoyance flickered over Jack's face, and he looked like he was about to say something dismissive, but then seemed to think better of it. He sighed again, this time more heavily. "You know why you couldn't be with me tonight."
"Just say it, Jack. I'm the hired help and you'd be a laughing stock if the people you work with knew about us." Ianto stood up and paced across the room, trying without success to keep his frustration in check. He turned around to face Jack again. "That's all I am. Your convenient bit on the side. Your part-time shag." He spat out those final words with a level of vehemence that surprised him.
"What?" Jack looked up at him, appearing genuinely taken aback. "Is that what you think? You make it sound like I'm using you. That I don't care." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I care. You're important to me. But I don't know what you want me to do. I can't change the situation."
"Do you even want to?" Ianto asked, unable to help himself. "You seem happy enough with the way things are."
"Until these last couple of days, I thought you were too," Jack retorted, narrowing his eyes.
Suddenly too weary to remain standing, Ianto moved back to the sofa and sat down again. "I suppose I was." Staring down at his clenched hands, he swallowed against the emotion clogging his throat. "I want to be with you, Jack. I enjoy the time we spend together. But the way things are... it's not enough for me."
Jack didn't respond, nor did he meet Ianto's gaze, and neither of them spoke again for at least a couple of minutes. "What happens now?" he finally asked, his voice quiet and hesitant, as if he was afraid of the answer.
Ianto took a deep breath. "I was thinking that I'll give you my resignation at the beginning of the new year."
Jack looked up sharply and stared at him for a long moment, but if he was surprised or shocked, he hid it well. "I don't want you to do that."
"Neither do I, but I think it's for the best. I'll help you with finding my replacement if you like." Ianto sighed with defeat, feeling utterly wretched. "I'm sorry, Jack."
When Jack didn't seem to have anything else to say and seemed equally defeated, Ianto rose to his feet again. "I'm going to go home now. I'll see myself out." Before he could think better of it, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Jack's forehead, lingering longer than he'd intended.
With regret tight in his chest and making it difficult to breathe, he closed the front door behind him and walked back to the car, ignoring the light, drizzling rain that had set in while he'd been inside. A part of him wanted Jack to come chasing after him and tell him that they'd find a way to make things work – tell him how much he wanted and needed him. He needed Jack to at least try to meet him halfway, and he couldn't help thinking that if this was a business deal, Jack would be fighting tooth and nail to make it work.
All of which led him to one inescapable conclusion. Maybe he was important to Jack. Apparently, however, he just wasn't important enough.