A/N: Hey guys! So this will probably be the second last chapter of this story, but don't worry because I do plan on writing a sequel eventually. Though I will do a couple of things before I get to that (I'm thinking of doing a modern AU). Anyways, I just want to thank every single one of you for your lovely support, and you guys are such a great group of readers. Anyways, happy reading!
Robert felt extremely uncomfortable in the situation he was currently presented with. Emotions weren't his strong suit, and he really didn't know how to talk to Cora about his. She'd probably think of him as ridiculous, for believing in such things. Though at the same time, that just wasn't her. It was in moments like his when Robert realized just how far gone he really was. Goodness, it was like he'd forgotten his own wife, his angel.
Though right now she resembled a child more than the strong woman she really is. She was curled up the the chaise longue, clutching his pillow close to her. Her piercing blue eyes simply stared at him, and he wondered if she could see straight through him. Could she see all of his secrets and nightmares that he had written on his heart? All of the sins that were to be buried with him. Oh how he wish he did, for selfish reasons, he didn't want to explain it himself.
At the same time, he wanted to be able to see straight through her. His mother had told him what happened, or really what could have happened. Though he knew that Cora would feel more complex emotions than his dear Mama could describe. And as she sat there, the moonlight bathing her pale skin with a glow, he thought of her almost as a ghost. A ghost of a world gone by, replaced with a far more dismal one.
"I never meant to hurt you Cora, you know if never do anything like that on purpose." He wanted to apologize profusely after hurting her so badly, but he knew that he should keep in control of himself.
"I know Robert, don't worry, I know. You're not yourself now, but if you want to talk-"
"Let's talk in the morning," he declared. Putting this off for another night might be better. Besides, he's tired and can't think straight. "Let's go to bed." Cora was a bit shocked at his declarations, and obviously wanted to object him. But seeing that she was in a fragile state she probably didn't want to argue, instead fall asleep next to her beloved husband. As the two of them climbed into their bed, Robert could sense the tension just by the fact Cora slept farther from him. He was a bit put off by it, but he understood. Not wanting to spark a conflict with asking her, he reached over to turn the light out. Simply praying that he would finally sleep for one night.
He didn't know what ghastly hour it was, but he was glad that he was awake and that Cora was still there. He could feel the sweat upon his brow, and he remembered fragments of his nightmares. They were always the same, he'd see his comrades die under his command, and himself. The worst part was surely when he'd see his grave and Cora's beside his, with a little boy crying on his knees in front of them.
The same dreams he'd had while in the war, and they never escaped him. All his fears, compiled into stories that unraveled in his head. Though Robert knew where some of hem came from, after all, he'd abandoned his men and left them to die. Well, he felt like he did. Why did he have to live? These young men had lives ahead of him, and he is a selfish Earl who can't even control himself. He'd abandoned Cora and William, it was like he'd already lost them.
Immediately feeling the fear rising, he reached for Cora. His breathing accelerated and he could feel his heart wanting to explode from his chest. His sweaty palms reached over and gently shook his wife's shoulder.
"Cora. Cora wake up," he pleaded. She stirred a bit before snapping awake and sitting upright. His hand was still shaking her shoulder and he felt himself start to panic.
"Robert, darling what is it?" She reached her hand up to touch his cheek, her thumb caressing the coarse skin. "You're safe, you're at Downton. I'm here darling, I'm here." He could feel a couple of stray tears spill over and fall onto her hand that rested on his cheek.
"I killed them, I let them die. They should be the ones living, why is it me?. Tell me why. Why?" He was crying, like a child, but he didn't have time to be embarrassed. His heart still beat faster than a hummingbird, and he was forgetting himself.
"Who Robert? Who are you talking about?"
"The men! No, the boys... I let them die. It's all my fault. Their deaths are on me." Thankfully, Cora remained quite calm. And reached up to wipe a tear away with her thumb. She ran her fingers through his hair and looked at him with tears in her own eyes.
"You're wrong, it's not your fault Robert. None of it is, these are not your sins. You weren't the one to pull the trigger."
"Why am I still here, why take so many young boys?" Cora looked stunned at his response, but her expression immediately turned to one of pity. Both their attentions, however, shifted when they heard William crying from down the hall. Cora reluctantly got up from the bed and wordlessly made her way down the hall. She was gone for a bit, long enough for Robert to suspect she was feeding William. Meanwhile, he tried to calm himself down for her, but he couldn't. And he hated himself for it. He ran his fingers through his hair cursing himself, he couldn't seem to stop. He was the husband, he had to protect her. He'd failed at that job obviously, and now there was nothing left but for him to be angry at himself, and sad. Sad of what his life had become.
Robert was surprised when the door creaked open and he saw Cora, carrying a sleeping William in her arms. His little two month old son had one hand grasping Cora's nightgown, which brought a little bit of light to his eyes. Cora carefully sat down next to him, keeping her eyes on William.
"This, this is why," she whispered.
"Why what?"
"Why you have a reason in this world Robert. You have a lovely home, and a lovely family. Don't throw all of that away because you can't forgive yourself for something you didn't do."
Cora was right of course, she usually was. Though it didn't soothe him as much as he hoped it would. The scar the war had left on him was extremely large and complex, and it only kept growing.
"Some of my father's last words to me, was to always cherish what I have. And so that's what I'm telling you Robert." The rough all of this, she hadn't looked at him. Yet he could still tell that she was tearing up, and he understood now, and only now. That she probably felt like this already, that she had nothing left. That she was a burden on other people's lives, and he suddenly understood her wise words to him.
"Hold him please Robert?" She asked so gently.
"I can't. He doesn't deserve me, a father with so much blood on his hands."
"Forgive yourself Robert, and let it go." She began to pass William over to him. And Robert began to cry again, a couple of stray tears being wiped away by Cora's fingers. William's face was lit by the moonlight glow, and the love he felt for him and Cora made her words make even more sense to him. Robert carefully played with William's little pyjamas and blanket, and Cora smiled at what seemed to be a change in him. Of course he still felt unstable, but better in some strange way. Robert ran his fingers over the dark hair that was on William's head, and he left a gentle little kiss on his hairline. It reminded him of Cora, who gently took the little boy away to take him back to the nursery.
Once again, Robert was left alone to his thoughts. It seemed neither of them would be getting a proper sleep tonight. Robert felt the same emotions he'd had earlier circle back, and once again he felt angry at himself. For leaving Cora to fend for herself, that little boy was alive because of Cora's pure strength. He put them both at risk, and if she'd had died he would never forgive himself for missing her last moments. He'd left them, his beautiful family only to return as a broken man. When she returned, she immediately rushed to his side, his guilt increased even more.
"Robert, I know you feel guilty for leaving but you shouldn't, just please don't." Her words brought a small smile to his face, even in their sad context.
"You know me so well," he sighed as he brought a hand up to caress her cheek. She leaned into his palm and closed her eyes, finding herself some comfort in him. After staying like this for a while, she leaned forward to rest her head on his chest so that he could rest his chin on the top of her head.
"What time is it?" He asked quietly.
"Oh, who knows, and I don't care. I just want you to hold me like before."
"Cora, you need rest"
"And so do you, but this is more important. We'll heal eventually Robert, and all scars fade with time right?" He knew that she spoke on his and her own behalf. They would be alright, they always found a way to push through anything that came their way.
"We've talked a lot about me, and you've sat here consoling me, when I feel like I need to do the same for you." Cora only sniffled at his words, he could feel his pyjama shirt damp from her tears. "I asked Mama what happened while I was gone, and Cora I am ever thankful that my worst fears were not a reality." She only clenched his shirt harder within her fist, as if she held onto him for dear life. "I love you so much, and I know at some point you'll make a comment about how there is too much emotion for an Englishman tonight," she chuckled at this. "But I just have to say it, after all this. Everything that has happened to us, but I've come back to my wife and family who are safe and sound. And there was a perfect new addition to welcome me home, which only made me want to say it a thousand more times. I really don't know what I'd do without you." He waited for her to respond, but no words escaped her sweet lips. She had relaxed against him, her body not as tense and her breathing steady. He knew she'd heard him, and he tilted his head to gently peck a kiss to her hair. Slowly and gently, he tried to lay her down from the sitting position the were currently in on the edge of the bed. He eventually decided on lying down himself and then resting her on top of him, which ended up working very well. He inhaled the scent of her hair, it smelled the same as it always did. And the way her fingers rested on his chest, reminded him of days gone by. As much as things have changed, some things will always stay the same.
Cora was thankful for losing sleep one night, because since their talk things were running smoothly. Of course, Robert was constantly confused at where all of his papers were because she'd moved them a bit to her liking while he was gone. Though it really just provided humour for her, to watch her husband in such a state of disorder. Also, they'd begun to take their walks together again especially with the warmer weather around. Nighttime however, was still filled with many late night conversations. William was of course one reason they'd be up, but once they were awake they'd keep him with them a bit. Just because he seemed to be a comfort to them both, which of course the loved enjoying their son. Their beloved boy, oh how long they'd been waiting for him.
"He'll be incredibly handsome,"
"Robert, you probably say that because he resembles you," she chuckles softly.
"Nonsense, definitely your features will keep him looking dapper my dearest." She watched as Robert held his little boy, playing with his limbs and hair. The image brought immense joy to her heart.
"Yes well, he's always been good looking, even when he was just born." She remembered seeing him out of the corner of her eye, right before everything went downhill. Her little boy, already growing up so fast.
Robert gulped. "How much do you remember, of all that. I know that-"
"Not much, but that doesn't matter now anyways." She carefully played with his little fingers, staring into his sleepy eyes. He had only just fed, so they expected him to be awake for a few more minutes. Just enough time to remind them of all the good that had been left in the world.
After he'd fallen asleep, Cora slowly took him into her arms, standing up from the bed as well.
"Walk him back to the nursery with me Robert?" Her husband followed her down the hall, constantly peering over her shoulder. He certainly was a proud Papa, and she should let him be. Once William was safe and sound in the nursery, she pulled Robert into the hallway, obviously not ready to go to bed yet.
"Cora, we should be getting to bed," he whispered, though she knew he prolonged sleep as well.
"Robert, I'm hungry. May we please go down to the kitchens?"
"Cora, what's gotten into you?" He laughed at her enthusiasm.
"Darling I'm just a bit peckish. And it's nice to laugh together again."
"Alright my dear." Cora was so happy he agreed to come, though she knew he would. Cora always thought that a good chuckle never hurt, and she also wanted to prove that they were the same Robert and Cora. They used to partake in late night escapades all around the house.
"The house is so strange at night"
"I know, I'm so used to hearing Mama criticizing at least one thing," Robert chuckled to himself. Cora had to agree though, ever since she'd married Robert a bit over a year ago, her mother-in-law had been quite a nuisance. Though late at night was when the Viscount and Viscountess would stretch their freedom. Cora could imagine Violet's intense reaction if she ever found out they did this.
"Oh, and we should be quieter this time. I had a conversation with Mama the other day and she kept asking if I was hearing strange noises in the middle of the night."
"Well Robert, maybe if you stopped laughing at your own jokes half the time we'd be quieter," she giggled softly.
"Oh, Very funny Cora." He rolled his eyes at her, jokingly of course. They liked to joke a lot with each other, of course when nobody was watching.
Once they'd finished their snacks that they'd stolen from the kitchens, they found themselves in the small library, one of their favourite locations to hide out. Once the door was closed behind them, she felt her husband's hands grip her hips and gently pull her closer to him. He began pecking kisses all along her bare neck, his warm breath tickling the sensitive skin.
"Robert," she breathed. "We usually wait a bit before we get to this part," she exhaled.
"Well, something's come over me. Maybe it's the fact that with the warm weather your nightclothes seem to be getting a bit thinner." He continued to pepper kisses along her neck and he gently turned her around. His lips eventually found hers, and they let their tongues explore the others' mouth. He slowly began to remove her dressing gown, and her frantic fingers made their way to the buttons on his pyjama shirt. Roberts body was pressed up against hers, tightly, and she could feel his body reacting to their closeness. They slowly made their way towards the settee, undressing only certain parts of each other along the way. Cora fell backwards onto it, with Robert hovering over top of her, their kisses and touches still heated and passionate. His large palms immediately seemed her breasts, where she felt herself slowly becoming undone.
"You know Robert, we usually end up making it back to our room," she gasped
"Well, consider this one of the times we don't," he responded, his voice deeper with desire. They continued their ministrations on each other, before eventually they climaxed in unison and experienced eternal bliss.
"That was definitely not the last time we'd used a settee," his laughter echoing through the kitchens at their reminiscing.
"I remember your mother complaining to the servants the next day, thinking that it was the hall boys causing trouble late at night."
"How could I forget that. We eavesdropped the whole conversation"
"It was terribly funny though, of course your mother never found out it was us"
"Oh don't be so sure my dear," he reached for her soft hand to lead her back upstairs. "I'm fairly sure Mama figured it out after a while. She would always question the condition of the furniture, or why we looked so tired." The two of them laughed almost the whole way back up the servants stairs to their room. It was lovely, how much they'd changed yet remained so much the same. And after all these years they could still get lost in each other's presence.
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. As I said before, this is probably the second last chapter but I do plan to write a sequel for this story in the future. Also, I have other things I would love to write about as well. Once again, anything you may recognize from Downton Abbey is not my property.