Here is part two of the update! Thank you to everyone that R&R's, I promise you guys that I have a new story line to implement very soon within the next 5 or so chapters there will be some more drama happening and there will also be, for the most part, longer chapters, Please Review opinions are greatly appreciated and also check out Breakable, I'd love reviews on that as well it's mostly about Derek and is the aftermath of the shooting from his POV.
"I've been hurling every day at exactly 3:22 p.m. and I'm late." I say admit
"So you think you're…"
"Pregnant," I say completing his sentence "Yes George."
"So, you werepregnant then?" Dr. Wyatt says emphasizing the were, I inhale for a moment collecting myself; I was pregnant but now… I'm not, the realization that I've been trying so desperately to avoid hits. Deny, deny, deny; that's how I've been getting through. Derek never got injured, Cristina never left you, George never went to Iraq, and you never lost the baby…
"Derek was so happy." I say finally tearing up, he would have made the best dad in the world, where as I probably would have screwed the poor kid up beyond repair anyway.
"Did you and Derek discuss kids previously, you just got married?" she questions now. I look at the happy little fish swimming around in the tank they provide an add sense of calm, maybe that's why she has them in the patience view…
"Not really so I was pretty shocked to discover it in the first place actually." I admit to her, I was shocked and scared out of my mind.
The tiny little black letters across the stick read the word pregnantin bold, black letters across and my heart rate increases a little, the room suddenly becomes too hot, like someone turned up the heat in a room previously at perfect temperature. I grimace and smile at the same time, if that's even possible. Derek and I are having a baby… the words seem to rattle my brain. Fear and excitement both seem to coil around me, like a snake you can't get loose, keeping its choking hold until you can no longer breathe, the breaths start to become shallower and I try to breathe
In and out, in and out; when did such a pedestrian act become so difficult? Holy shit… there's actually going to be a legit baby! What if I suck as a parent? What if Derek doesn't want kids now? I haven't even gained a pound, what if there's something wrong with the baby? What if the kid ends up being fine but it likes Derek better? The room starts to spin slightly and the lightheaded sensation only amplifies, the door barges open and the dark brown eyes of Alex meet mine, he looks at the stick in my hands and his eyes suddenly become huge with surprise. I inhale and reach out to steady myself but I feel the ground becoming closer as the spinning green-tiled blur starts to rush upward, I brace myself for impact but, a softer landing meets me as I go down.
"Holy Shit!" I hear his voice exclaim as his arm wrap around me, he lowers me to the ground now as the spinning slowly starts to reside I lean onto his against the cool green tiles to relieve the spinning and nausea, Alex grabs my shoulder now.
"Meredith breathe." He whispers in my ear. How can I breathe? I'm freakin' prego! Legitimately end up with a child in nine months really freaking pregnant! I try to collect the breath to talk but I it doesn't seem to come out, only a strangled breathing/crying noise that makes even me cringe at the sheer horrific sound, I hand him the test now and he stares at me. "Holy Crap!" he exclaims, "Dude your prego?" he questions. "I mean you're getting skinnier, but it looked like your tits were getting bigger, I thought that but I mean dude I never said out loud…" he says trailing off now, really Alex you look at my tits…
"Alex! This isn't a joke I mean holy freaking crap, I have to raise a baby that is going to come out of my vagina!... It's going to hurt,… a lot I mean do I really want to go through… all that pain? What if the kid hates me, or… what if I'm a crappier mother than my mother was. I had the world's worst mother I would be the…. World's worst mother. A baby doesn't want me it wants Derek… and like Izzie for god's sake not me!" I say between sobs now as Alex looks at me panicked, as if to say, what the hell do I do?
"Dude Meredith, you need to chill, there's epidurals for the pain so you won't even feel anything from the waist down. Not to mention I think you'll be a good mom, your nothing like your mother and you have Derek who is all perfect or whatever so if by some chance you do suck one good parent out of two isn't bad." He says to me in his chill Alex voice, I exhale and rest my head against the tile again, the throbbing head ache that arrived due to all the panicky sobs seems make the lights in the room painfully bright. I take my hands and lightly massage my temples now.
"I know I just… sorry hormones." I say laughing lightly now.
"It's cool, rather you freak out to me than Derek, because he wouldn't have been able to catch you when you almost fainted… but you should really lock the door you lucky it wasn't Lexie or Derek that walked in on you." He informs me.
"Thanks, I needed someone to chill me out before I told Derek." I say sniffling. Cristina usually has that job… come on Meredith put on the happy face for Derek. I wipe my eyes now, and dab at them gently with the toilet paper Alex handed me.
"Talk about bad timing though." He says scoffing at me now, yeah really could there be a worse time?
"Yeah, but at least Derek will be ecstatic." I say hopefully, please let Derek be excited about this. I stand up now and I wobble slightly, his hand grabs my lower back and steadies me. I stay leaning against his hand for a moment until I find my balance.
"Yeah, he'll probably cry." Alex says snickering. I laugh a little too now, he actually might.
"I think that's a little extreme." I say feeling the need to defend Derek's manhood even if what Alex says is true.
"Whatever you say." He says, "But twenty says he will." He says more deviously.
"Shut up you are not taking bets on whether or not he will cry, you won't even know what goes on because you won't be here when I tell him you're all giving us the house to ourselves for the next few hours." I say shooing him out the bathroom door now.
"Oh come on! I wanted to sit on the couch, get too drunk to walk and watch the game!" he exclaims annoyed now, yeah me too, maybe not watch the game but tequila would be nice at this point. I just laugh out loud at him now as we exit the small door we round the hallway and the pair of brilliant, bright, inquisitive, blue eyes meet mine for a moment. I smile at him and inhale deeply.
"Were you guys in the bathroom together?" he questions nervously and slowly. Oh crap… how am I going to explain this one to him.
"Dude I was being a chick, its cool." Alex says nonchalantly as he brushes past Derek. Derek's flashes him an annoyed glance now and I can tell he doesn't like the idea of a man being in the bathroom alone with his wife, even if it's just because he's being a "chick" for her.
"Derek… I swear he was, since I don't have Cristina anymore." I say wrapping my arms around his neck and touching my cold lips to his warm ones, we kiss lightly and release slightly.
"But why were you I the bathroom?" he questions still confused by that detail. How should I tell him, show him the stick, ease into it, or just rip off the stitches and say it… I'm pregnant.
"Let's go sit down in the living room, I'll explain I promise." I say as I grab his hand and lead him over there. "So how was your nap?" I question as we make our way down the steep steps, one by one.
"It was good refreshing." He says perkily though I know it's his fake, "I'm not in pain" happy voice I know its sham even if he doesn't.
"What's your pain level? Want me to get your Percocet?" I question concerned now for his health. No I'm ok for now, the answer bellows in the back of my head.
"No I'm fine for now." he says right on cue I scoff internally but he flashes me a glance, maybe that wasn't such an internal scoff after all, we near the blue couches now and we both take a seat, he moves down the cushion slowly and gingerly like he'll break if he simply plops down on it like he used too, I grab his hands now and the heated palms start to cancel out the sheer cold of mine. "So… this story?" he questions changing the subject now, "Obviously he doesn't want to start anything over the snort I made at his answer, and I wish he'd just take his damn pain meds…
"Right so every day I've been barfing at 3:22 p.m. on the dot" he flashes me a questioning yet concerned glance now
"Mer are you sick or something, why didn't you tell me you've been getting sick?" he says squeezing my hands now.
"Derek, it's fine, I just thought I had the stomach flu but it's been going on for like a week and a half now, which is weird because it's at the same time everyday… like morning sickness only in the afternoon which technically I guess wouldn't be morning sickness.." I say trailing off now, crap Meredith get to the damn point already.
"Meredith… what does this have to do with… morning sickness? Oh my god Meredith are you…" his voice cuts off now and I smile at him.
"Pregnant." I say completely his sentence, a shy smile creeps across my face, anxious for his reaction to the news, his face lights up now, like a child on Christmas morning that you always see in one of those cheesy Christmas films he made me watch during the Holidays.
"Oh my god! I…. I'm gonna be a dad and we're having a kid!" he exclaims as he cups my face and kisses me hard and passionately, he finally releases when we both run out of breath and he strokes my hair, quickly and excitedly. "I love you." He says even more gleefully. The happiness makes my heart flutter now and makes me feel at ease.
"We're having a baby." giggling as I repeat his words still trying to adjust to it myself. He puts his hand around my waist now and moves up to my boobs, cupping them lightly in his hands he starts to kiss the space in between them, I moan with desire and content now.
"God I wish we could have sex." He groans as he continues to kiss me there.
"Derek." I say catching his attention, he stops and looks up at me, I raise my eyebrow at him mischievously and he side smirks at me. "Just because we can't have sex doesn't mean we can't do other things, Alex is making sure everyone stays away for at least a couple of hours." I say as I start to slide down the cotton of his pajama pants.
"Meredith Grey… I like the way you think." He says as I slowly slide down his boxers and slide my tongue into his mouth. He groans now with content and I continue to kiss him. Slowly moving downward, inch by inch.
"So you told Derek and he was thrilled even though you were scared." She says to me now, jotting something down on her spiral pad, I never told her she could take notes…
"What are you writing down?" I say more concerned now "I never told you, you could take notes!" I say panicked, the last thing I need is for notes to be taken down about crazy, unstable Meredith even if it's .
"Meredith, relax the notes are just for me, but answer the question.
"Ok, sorry I uh, just people kind of think I'm most likely crazy but yeah I was afraid at first, to have a baby I mean." I say, I would be a crappy mother anyway.
"Because your still have the irrational fear of ending up like Ellis?" she questions, ouch maybe she does have me pegged… but what kid wants a mom like Ellis?
"Yeah," I finally admit to her, "I just- I feel like in the end I'm gonna inevitably end up like her, my husband won't love me, my kids will resent me for never being there, only I won't even have my career because if you haven't already heard, it's going into shambles." I say exasperated… I've already mastered two out of the three… maybe the kid was lucky not to get stuck with me…
"Why would Derek hate you?" she questions almost concerned as well, you know your messed up when your shrink is concerned about you.
"It's my fault we lost the baby." I say choking up now.
"I'm sure it wasn't," she says reassuringly "I'm not a medical doctor but I do know that there was probably another reason for your loss." She says sure of herself, I scoff now at this, believe me it was all me. "Well if you say it was your fault then tell me what happened." She says dropping her hands to her knees and sitting up a bit taller now.
Three Months Ago…
The rustle and bustle of ER gives me the adrenaline rush that I've so long wished for over the past few months of boring home time. The whirl of multiple traumas coming in and multiple OR's being prepped seems to make me, like every other surgeon giddy with delight. I scribble my signature on several patient charts and navigate my way through the sea that is currently over taking our ER, a hard thud hits my shoulder and an angry looking nurse rushes by me, mumbling what sounds like an apology, that or a watch where you're going.
"!" I hear Bailey call out, "There's a man coming in with a lacerated liver in curtain 2, I have more critical patients, there's an intern on the case, both of you take the guy up to OR 3." She says handing me off the chart, I walk over to the curtain now and the anxious looking intern stands there checking his stats, she turns to me and smiles awkwardly, I try to return it but widen my eyes when she doesn't say anything.
"Oh… sorry James Tillman, 46 year old male, he was a passenger on the RTM bus that was hit. He was tender around his abdomen so I did an ultrasound and found blood, so we took him down to CT and found that he had a grade 4 lacerated Liver as well as a small bleed in the Spleen that's already resolved itself, I gave him 10 of morphine, he is currently stable and ready to be transported up to the OR." She says anxiously and smiley, obviously a surgery junkie.
"Ok… thank you doctor…" crap what's her name again?
"Doctor Fuller, I'm your intern doctor Grey…" she says trailing off now, I should probably learn my intern's names…
"Right sorry I blanked for a moment there but quite standing around and lets go up to the OR." I say taking the end of the bed now, she jumps from where she's standing and grabs the end as well.
"Sorry Doctor Grey." She says as we roll the bed through the madness.
"Grey, what OR do you have?" Torres questions as she stands at the front desk reading over charts.
"OR 3!" I call out, no way she's taking my OR.
"How bad is your patient?" she questions, hopeful to bump me.
"Lacerated Liver, he needs surgery now if he wants to live." I say brushing past her, she sighs now and I keep walking. We approach the elevator and push the bed in, positioning it so that it's facing the right direction.
"Hey!" Alex's voice calls as he grips the side of the elevator and pushes to door back to being wide open, he steps in now and smirks at me.
"I got kicked off Shadow Shepherd's service, any way I can first assist?" he questions hopeful, the intern whom I've forgotten the name of yet again gives him a death glare but he just keeps looking to me.
"Fine with me." I say casually, she glares at the both of us now and I finally get annoyed.
"Do you have something to say?" I question to her, she jumps back now like a deer in headlights obviously frightened I called her on it.
"No! It's just that I was supposed to first assist." She says expecting me to allow it.
"As far as I'm concerned Doctor Karev out ranks you, so you can watch like a good little intern and get the patient prepped in the OR and don't ever question me again, because the next time you do, I swear you won't see the inside of an OR for a week!"I say raising my voice now as we step off the elevator, "Your lucky the patient is a sleep otherwise I would have just kicked you off the case." I say bitterly not even recognizing my own voice, when did I get so mean? She runs off now like a scared puppy with the patient and Alex turns to me now.
"Damn Meredith you chewed that poor intern out!" he says laughing at me, "I don't even think Cristina or I would have been that mean." He says nudging me in the shoulder.
"I know it's the hormones." I say making up an excuse for the nausea as well. "The whole being pregnant thing turns you into a wreck and it also makes you feel like shit!" I say as we enter the scrub room.
"Hey Meredith, are you sure you feel ok, you look reallypale and shaky." He says feeling my forehead.
"Yeah it's fine just nausea." I say blowing him off, the dizziness returns and grip onto the side of the sink for balance
"Meredith… You don't look so good, have you eaten at all today?" he questions. No….
"Yeah Alex I'm fine, I'll eat after this surgery!" I say biting his head off. He stares at me now in anger, why did I even let him scrub in on this?
"Come on Meredith! I promised Shepherd that I'd make sure you ate, your pregnant 3 months pregnant for Christ sakes and you haven't even gained any weight!" he says waving his arms at me now.
"Get out of my OR!" I say in utter anger now, "Seriously I can handle it myself just go!" I say shooing him out the door with my hands. He grabs my arm now and whirls me around to face him.
"Damn Meredith, I'm not leaving the OR I'm staying here with you and making sure you don't pass out while your operating on your freaking patient because believe me when I tell you, there's no way in hell your about to forcefully remove an All-State wrestler from you OR!" he says forcefully, I whip around in anger now because I know he's right, if he wants to stay in this OR, unless I call the chief there's no getting him out. I speed walk into the room now and let my utter annoyance be known, I waltz up to patient now with the intern and Alex both next to me.
"Scalpel!" I hear myself bark at Bokey who hands me it immediately. I make the 5 inch incision for the laparotomy now and the rush seems to come back over me, I open up the abdomen and expose the huge Liver laceration. Crap, what's that intern's name again? My mind seems to run blank on it so I turn to face her now.
"How would you proceed?" I ask her, expecting to hear the correct answer, she looks at me dumbstruck now, "I said if this were your patient and you just opened them up, looking at the laceration how would you proceed!" I repeat myself a little more angry and dizzy than before. She jumps slightly then finally opens up her mouth to speak.
"Well, you wouldn't use sutures due to the size of the laceration, you would want to either ligate individual vessels or pack it with long gauze soaked in Saline." She stutters at me, maybe she's not so incompetent.
"Very good." I say still coldly. I begin to Ligate the vessels now one by one and the dizzy sensation begins to take over, so badly that I feel as though I'm about to vomit.
"Dr. Grey are you alright, you look really warm and pail." Says the over ambitious intern. I continue to breathe and try to steady myself out but it seems as though I can't shake it. I turn to face her but all I feel is a whoosh of air as I feel myself falling downward and the world going black, I brace myself for impact and the cold, hard OR floor hits meets me when I slam down onto it, then… nothing black.
/
Alex Karev quickly reacts to catch his friends as he realizes she's falling to the ground, but it's too late to catch her, the light thudding noise of the impact makes him wince immediately, panic and fear both coil their way around him, freezing him for a moment, he'd never admit it to himself but in times of crisis Alex Karev freezes, Izzie freaks out, Meredith shuts the world out, George remains calm but Alex… he freezes up. He stands there for a moment, awe struck, not able to move, "what do I do?" seems to be the only thought his mind can process. Lisa Fuller, the overeager intern looks to him desperately now, she eyes him, her wide brown eyes wide with confusion and adrenaline. The rushing and blank slate, that is Alex's mind seems to continue to whirl and block out all sight of his friends intern, suddenly, as if someone let go of a rubber band overly stretch, his mind snaps right back into place.
"Fokker Get a gurney now!" he yells out to scared puppy-like young intern.
"It's F-Fuller." She stutters, his temper seems to boil over now, like a pot full of boil water that's been left on the flame for too long.
"I don't give a damn what your name is, GET A GURNEY!" he barks angrily at the intern, she jumps back in fear now but rushes out the door at a sprint, hoping to avoid future contact with Alex Karev in the future. He snaps down now and takes Meredith's pulse, weak but there, he reaches his hands down but their suddenly met by dark red blood, that's not the patients. The blood cascades down her legs, like a dam burst and the sick feeling his stomach intensifies when he realizes exactly what's happening. The blaring noise of beeping in the background confuses him for a moment, like someone left on an annoying alarm clock, was he dreaming, he really hopes he is…
"Dr. Karev!" he hears the voice of an anesthesiologist call from behind. "The patient!" Dr. Ross calls angrily from behind, the gurney along with a team of Doctors flies into the room now and his legs will him to run over to the scrub room, step by step. Owen Hunt and Mark Sloan feel their hearts drop when they see exactly who's lying on the ground of the OR floor with a puddle of blood around her frail, broken looking body. Where the hell did the blood come from? Seems to be the only thing that enters Owen Hunt's mind. They run over now and easily lift her onto the gurney, as Alex slowly he sees the backs of both the large men exiting the OR with the gurney. The realization dawns on him now, "She's Pregnant!" he hears himself call across the OR, though he didn't will himself to say it, both men turn around him complete shock now, and quickly realize what all the blood's from. Pain at the thought of his best friend, his brother losing his wife and unborn child while he's trying to recover himself cripple Mark as he picks up the pace and rushes her to an exam room.
/
As Derek Shepherd enters the hospital anxiety, fear, horror, anger, and self-blame all seem to shower over him at once. He picks up the pace as the overly anxious Izzie Stevens walks beside him, her car keys jingling with each choppy, quick-strided step she takes. The gossip, that already seems to be flying around the walls of Seattle Grace stops suddenly at the site of the Neurosurgeon in the lobby, they all turn to stare at him now and he feels himself tense up, what happened to his wife? He looks around for a moment but quickly deflects his glance to the front desk, like a horse wearing blinders, all he sees is that desk, everything around him no longer has the least bit of his attention. He rushes up to the desk now and Izzie struggles to keep up with him now as his pace increases.
"Where is she?" his voice sounds harshly with angst and fear.
"They moved her up stairs to one of the private rooms so that no one will hover outside the room, room 4521." Debbie says dying to know exactly what's going on in there herself, the rumors of Meredith's lost child, which she herself has been spreading around need to be accredited for. He nods curtly at the woman and gives her the cold shoulder, knowing she's gossiping wildly about his wife already. He takes off up the stairs as quickly as his legs will take him now and the tension as he nears the room builds continuously with each step closer he takes each step towards it. Every horrifying image of his wife near death pops into his head as he storms around the corner followed by a now half jogging Izzie. The site of Owen Hunt, Mark Sloan, and Richard Webber all outside the door of the room only seems to make it stomach churn with unease.
"What happened?" he says, his voice rising in angst. He goes to push past the men now but they block him out. Mark gulps now and attempts to gain up the courage to tell his best friends the news. He grabs his arm now and locks eye contact with him, by one look from his best friend Derek Shepherd knows that something major happened.
"Meredith repairing a liver laceration and she passed out in surgery…" he takes a deep breath now willing himself to say the rest of the dreaded news out loud, "She… she was dehydrated, malnourished and she-"he voice breaks now and Derek feels his heart hit the ground knowing what his Mark was about to say. Owen eyes both the men and can't help but feel for them both.
"She had a miscarriage, due to the lack of nutrition and the dehydration, the pregnancy just couldn't take it." Owen says, knowing Mark wouldn't be able to will the words out of his mouth. Richard cringes at the words and stands respectfully behind the men wishing none of this really happened. Derek feels his heart rate increase and his pain shoot through the roof, like someone put a bag over his head and kicked him in the ribs, he gasps for air now, and feels the hot tears shedding from the corners of his eyes.
"I should have known, if I paid more attention she would have been eating more, and I would have made sure she drank… she… the bab-… they would have been ok." He chokes out wishing he would have stopped it. "I could have fixed this." he moans in agony. Owen, feeling awkward around the man he barely knows respectfully walks away now, leaving the other three men standing behind him. "Will she be okay?" Derek questions fearfully. Mark nods at him and he feels the slightest bit of relief at the thought of this but the disappointment and crushed feelings of losing the baby seem to make him weak at the knees. He stares at the door and gestures dully at the two to allow him to enter the room. Richard grabs his shoulder now, "Derek, this is not your fault, your still recovering from massive injuries you couldn't have done anything, but Meredith's going to be fine." He says feeling this is the only condolences he can make, Derek just nods, knowing he won't be able to talk due to the restricted feeling in his vocal cords. He brushes past them and into the small room. The view when he enters the room makes him want to vomit or just collapse right then and there. Her appearance is quite frankly scary. She's pale, though her skin is usually pale she looks ghostly white. Her hair is messy the clumpy waves sprawled out wildly on her pillow, he gets closer to her now and it only heightens is dismay. The dark circles under her eyes contrast greatly against her skin. He grabs her hand now and feels as though something has shattered him into a million pieces, how did he not realize she lost this much weight? He studies her more and the weight loss is more and more apparent to him, she's pregnant, she should have gained at least some weight by now. He runs his fingers gently up and down her arm and the chills run up his spine at the cold touch. The clear IV fluids and the bag of crimson red blood hanging above her and make her condition apparent. He carefully sits down on the chair beside her bed now and shoves his head between his knees, how could I not notice, seems to be the major thought harping in his mind. He slowly begins to process the information and he finally cries; for the accident, for his sickly wife, and for the child he'll never get to meet. Derek Shepherd finally releases it all.
/
"You were dehydrated and mal nourished… that's how you lost the baby, no other cause?" she questions me, not biased unlike everyone else's opinions. I make eye contact with her now, and much to my surprise she doesn't look at me like I killed my baby, or pitifully, or angrily; she looks calm and interested, the way I need someone to look.
"Yeah… I was, well I didn't really take care of myself." I admit to her, though it's probably and understatement.
"Well, you're taking care of yourself now." she says, not so much a question but just a statement of fact. Yeah… three months too late…
"Yes, Derek and Alex hounded me for a while." I say annoyed at the thought.
"So, things between you and Derek are rocky." She says more intrigued now, "Yet he hounded you?" she questions, though I think she knows the answer to this one, this is definitely one of those, "I'm teaching you important life things, Meredith" questions.
"Well yeah, of course he did, he's Derek." I say a bit more snarky than I wanted too, "Well I just mean, I know he's mad at me but he still loves me and I love him." I say, I sadden now, wishing desperately to go back to before the accident.
"Exactly, he loves you." She says emphasizing the love when she says this. "So Meredith all you can do now is try to fix the problem." She explains, I never thought of that , I want to reply, but I stop myself from being rude.
"How do I do that?" I question, I really wish she'd just tell me the answers…
"I don't really have an answer for you… you just have to figure it out and go with it as you go along." She says smiling at me now, "Believe me when I tell you Meredith things between Derek and you will improve." She says, I really hope so.
"God I hope so." I say lowly, almost defeated, her facial expression hardens now, indicating that she's about to give me more words of wisdom. I raise an eyebrow at her now, gesturing for her to come out with it.
"You're healthy now, I can see that. You've put weight back on, you look better, and Meredith… you're not denying things anymore, you came to me to help you and that's exactly what I'm going to do." She finally says, I exhale now out of relief, maybe things could improve. The sudden beeping noise of my pager makes me jump, my heart rate increases slightly now, of course it's a freaking 911 page, why wouldn't it be? I look at her apologetically and she just nods lightly understanding the urgency to leave. I quickly stand up now and go to rush out of the room but I hear her stir against the leather seat for a moment.
"Meredith!" she calls out, I turn my attention to her now, "Feel free to schedule an appointment or come back, whenever you need or want to." She says, I nod at her now; I probably will come back, I turn around now and rush out the door and off towards the ER, 12 more hours…
/
My shoulders slump in exhaustion as I tug my trench the royal blue trench coat on over the grey trousers and green sweater I wore to work. The exhausted beat down feeling from the 36hr shift finally takes its toll on me as I exit the resident's lounge. The brightly lit hallways of the hospital hurts my eyes due to the dim lights of the room I previously inhabited. I lazily sling the brown coach bag over my shoulder now, and quicken my pace toward the lobby. The haze makes me oblivious to my surroundings at the moment, I'm too tired to even pay attention to anything. I feeling of free falling as I reach my foot out startles me, my heart jumps into my ears but the solid ground underneath it calms me, I exhale in relief; remember Meredith, to get to the lobby you have to walk on the stairs. I look downward now, hoping not to miss the steps as I make my way down, I really don't need to be even more of the center of attention around Seattle Grace Hospital.
"Hey." His voice startles me as he walks up beside me now, "You ready?" he questions shortening his step to be more in sync with mine.
"Yeah, I'm more than ready to get out of Alex." I say as we exit out the double doors together, he breathes out loudly, indicating that he wanted to chuckle but for some reason refrained from doing so.
"I heard about that dude with all the major injuries died." He says stating the simple fact.
"Yeah, this was a pretty crappy day." I say dully as we exit from under the canopy like roof that was previously protecting us from the drizzle, the cold Seattle chill hits my skin now and I feel myself shiver. The cold rain quickly falls down on me now, like someone put their sprinkler directly on me from a distance. I quicken my pace to a jog and dash for the old blue jeep. Alex mirrors me and we both stumble our way into the car.
"I really hate fucking rain." He says annoyed, I laugh now.
"Good thing you live in Seattle." I say shoving the keys into the ignition, the engine rumbles to life and I feel myself wake up a little from the combination of that and the cold of the rain.
"Can we stop at McDonald's? I'm starving." He complains sounding childish.
"Yeah I'm hungry." I say as my stomach seems to growl right on cue. Fries sound amazing right now.
The door lightly clicks as I close it behind me and lock it. I lean against the cold wood, supporting myself for a moment. The emptiness of the house is peaceful, something I haven't experienced in months. The cold from the rain seems to radiate down into my bones, making them feel brittle as the shaking continues and my breathing gets shallow due to the cold. I feel the water drip off my bangs and down my neck as I make my way up the stairs, my now bare feet padding with each step I take up the cold wood floors that feel like ice against my feet. I slowly creep into my bedroom now, Derek is of course nowhere to be found and disappointment harbors me. I slip out of the wet clothes as quickly as I can, the urge to take a bath seems more and more appealing but the exhaustion prohibits me from doing so. I grab a hoodie from the top left drawer and thermal pajama bottoms, I throw on the warmest pair of socks I own. The empty bed staring back at me is disheartening. The fact that Derek isn't home yet is even more concerning to me, what if he got hurt again? The inevitable thoughts of horror sweep over me, I push them out now, hoping he'll at least be home soon. He won't want to sleep with me so giving him the bed would be nice… I guess the pull out couch will have to do. I slip out of the room and switch off the light, too lazy to even pick up the wet clothes.
The living room looks calm and serene as I enter the large room with the fire place on the back center wall. I walk up to the brown plush couches and pull out the bed on the large one, I throw the assortment of warm blankets already in the room on top of it and plop down with my pillow after turning on the fire place. The warm heat rays make my core feel warm and safe, like I can sleep with ease. I close my eyes and the long hours catch up to me instantly.
I blink rapidly as I hear the soft creaking noise the old pull out couch makes when someone gets on it. The urge to turn over succumbs me but I resist and close my eyes again, I'm too freaking tired. I feel his nose cuddle into the back of my head and my heart leaps a little, his warm lips kiss my neck and I turn over now, his bright blue eyes meet mine and I smile from the corner of my mouth.
"Hey," he says as he strokes my cheek, "you had a long shift." He says soothingly, kissing my nose now.
"Yeah it was crappy." I say nuzzling into my pillow. He stares at me for a moment and I stare at him back.
"Do you want to tell me about it or are you too tired?" he questions, hoping I'll tell him.
"Well I am quite tired but for you Dr. Shepherd I suppose I could explain a little." I say lightly touching his cheek now. "I miss lying in bed with you." I admit quietly as he strokes my thigh up and down.
"I miss it too Mer." He agrees lightly.
"But I lost a patient today." I say tearing up now, he looks at me with his perfect Mcdreamy sad eyes and I almost loose it. "It's just he- he had a lot of internal injuries and the whole case just reminded me a lot of you and me." I admit absently running my fingers in circles around his chest.
"I'm sorry, that does suck Meredith." He says compassionately. "How bad were you after?" he questions concerned, of course people were talking about me, that's why he got in bed with me….
"What Derek are people telling you that your wife is crazy? Is that why you got in bed with me in the first place? Well don't burden yourself I saved you the entire upstairs." I say in anger now he shoots me a confused and angry glance and I suddenly feel stupid.
"Meredith people said you had a hard loss today, but do you really think I listen to the nurse's gossip?" he questions raising his voice above the whisper we were speaking at.
"Sorry I- uh sorry." I say biting my lip, his expression softens and I lean my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me, making me feel safe and warm. "I went to today." I state, waiting anxiously for his reaction, maybe he can believe them now.
"Did you talk about everything?" he questions, his voice sounding… odd, a hint of sadness but just different than it normally would.
"Yeah, I told her about three months ago and Cristina leaving, just everything that's happened in the past year." I admit.
"What does she think?" he questions lightly, kissing the top of my head the way I like.
"She thinks things will get better." I say hoping for the right reaction from him, I feel myself tense up and so does he slightly in reaction to me.
"I have to say I agree with her." He says optimistically. I feel myself beginning to fill with hope and joy now just at the thought of him agreeing, hell even just knowing he's sleeping in the same bed as me again. I snuggle in closer to him now and he does the same to me, his scent lulls me gently and the hope for a better tomorrow hangs over me.
As I said before time… is a funny thing. It's unforgiving, unchangeable, and sometimes the results can terrify us. That's why so many fear it rather than embrace it. But if there's one thing I've learned about time, even it makes some things worse, sometimes it can unknowingly strengthen a bond and that, no matter how horrific the events time unfurls for us, is worth it in the end.