BPOV

OK, this is a bit of a sad one

You have been warned

BPOV Late September

Angela and I sat in class trying to work on an assignment; but she was too distracted to focus – which seemed to be the case with both of us lately.

"So," she said. "If the baby's a girl, what do you want to name it?"

"I haven't really thought about it," I admitted. "Actually, I'm kind of hoping it's a boy."

"Why?"

"I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't had a good relationship with my mother and wonder if I may not be able to connect with a daughter."

"I'm sure you'll connect with your child not matter what sex it is," Angela said.

I had to nod at that, I refused to be like Renee.

Suddenly, I felt a pain in my lower abdomen; this was my third one of the day, but I had been able to ignore them pretty well. I put my hand on my stomach until the cramp disappeared.

"Are you OK?" Angela asked.

"Yeah, just had something that felt like a cramp."

Angela gave me a worried look, but didn't press further. That's one thing I love about her, she seems to be able to sense when I don't want to talk about something.

The professor let our class out a few minutes early and I said goodbye to Angela; I had decided to surprise Edward at work today.

I hopped on the tube and headed to HMV when another cramp hit me, this one almost made me double over in pain. A lady next to me asked if I was alright.

"Fine, just a cramp," I said.

I jumped off at the station and made my way to see Edward, I walked in and went to the register to see a woman I assumed was this Tanya person sitting at the counter reading a magazine. I cleared my throat to get her attention.

"What?" She said, giving me a bored look.

"Is Edward around?"

"Who wants to know?"

"His fiancé."

She sneered at me, but the look melted into an evil smile when what I assumed was an idea seemed to come to her.

"He didn't say he had a girlfriend." Yep, this had to be the Tanya that Edward told me about.

"Oh, I'm sure he has mentioned me from time to time," I said. "He's mentioned you in great detail, Tanya."

"Really? That's kind of embarrassing," she said. "He hasn't told you about the time he grabbed my arse in the back room, has he?"

"Actually, it was YOU who grabbed HIS BALLS, you slut!"

"Slut? I'm not the one whose boyfriend is so dissatisfied he hits on his co-workers constantly."

"Tanya!" It was Ben coming up from the back. "Is that any way to talk to a customer?"

"She's not a customer! She's Edward's sodding girlfriend."

"I think you mean fiancé," Ben said. "Hey Bella, I'll go get Eddie for you."

"Thanks Ben," I smiled back at him before giving Tanya a nice, smug look.

"So, when are you two getting married?" Tanya asked, pretending to care.

"December."

"Oh damn! I won't be able to come, I'll be in Majorca with my boyfriend," she said.

I rolled my eyes, "oh damn, just when I was going to make you a bridesmaid."

"Really?"

"Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?"

Just then, Edward walked up behind me.

"Hello my angel," he said, putting his arms around my waist. I turned and put my arms around his neck so I could pull him in for a kiss. "Somebody's been missing me."

"Always," I said. "I'm not disturbing you, am I? Do you have to get back to work?"

"No," Ben answered for him. "You two can go talk for a bit, Tanya and I will cover things."

"What?" Tanya whined; Ben shot her a death glare.

"Thanks Ben," Edward said.

We walked to where there were chairs in the classical music section. I was going to sit in the seat next to his, but Edward sat and pulled me into his lap.

"Dork," I chided.

"You love it," he replied.

I kissed the tip of his nose before settling my head on his shoulder as we sat and held each other in the chair. I love moments like this, when there doesn't need to be anything communicated verbally between us; we just know how ardently one loves the other.

Suddenly, I got another cramp.

"Ow," I said, I didn't want to make a big deal out of this, but they were getting worse.

"Love? What's wrong?" He put his hand over mine on my lower stomach.

"I've been feeling pains in my stomach all day," I said.

"You should go to the doctor," he said worriedly picking me up and taking me towards the door.

"No, it's fine! It's probably nothing," I said.

"Well, just to make sure it's nothing, I'm taking you to the doctor," he said. "Because if it's not nothing, then the baby may be in danger."

"OK," I said as we walked past the register.

"Ben, Bella is having pains in her stomach, I really need to get her to a doctor," Edward said.

"OK, of course, go immediately," Ben said. "You don't think it's the baby, do you?"

"We hope not," Edward said as he gently pushed me through the front doors.

EPOV

I got Bella out to the nearest cab and it took us to Whittington Hospital; we walked in through the urgent care unit and I got the paper work for Bella. She sat in a chair near the exit as I was waiting at the front desk, and when I turned back to make sure she was OK, she had slumped out of the chair onto the floor – she was grabbing her stomach in pain again.

"BELLA!" I cried running to her; I scooped her up into my arms and held her close. "NO! BELLA! HOLD ON!! PLEASE!? SOMEBODY HELP!!"

My calls brought a troupe of nurses to our side.

"Come on, let's get her to emergency," one said.

I picked her up and rushed after the nurses who led me to an emergency room. Once we were in there, I placed her on the bed and was immediately hustled out the door by nurses and doctors who were trying to get at Bella. I would have protested being kicked out of the room, but I was too numb from fear.

I sat in the waiting room and rocked myself back and forth gently. This can't be happening, Bella has to be alright! We can't lose the baby now. I pulled out my phone and called Mum.

"Hello Love," he said. "How are you?"

"Mum?" I said as the tears started to fall. "Something's wrong with Bella! We're at Whittington; can you make it here?"

"Of course, Edward; I'll be there shortly."

She hung up and I put my phone away and continued to wait; I started rocking myself again. This was taking too long—one of these doctors just needed to show up in his little, white lab coat and tell me that Bella was alright. But, none of them would. Mum got there a few minutes later.

"Have you heard anything yet?" She asked as she pulled me into a hug.

"No; there all still in there."

"Well, it'll be alright; you'll see."

She sat with me and we waited for what seemed like hours; I looked at my phone and saw that it had only been an hour since I brought Bella in—it couldn't have been. Mom was about to turn to me to say something when a doctor finally came out.

"Are you Edward?"

"Yes," I said, jumping out of my seat. "How's Bella? What's wrong with her?"

He held his hands up, "calm down, son; Bella is fine, she's going to be OK."

"And the baby?"

His face became grim, "There...there was nothing we could do, I'm afraid. It was a miscarriage; it's not uncommon and it won't affect her ability to have children in the future."

I felt myself fall to my knees as Mum threw her arms around me for comfort.

"Shhhhh," she soothed. "Everything is going to be OK; it's OK, Edward...it just wasn't the right time...it's OK, my love..."

Mum continued to calm me until I got all of the tears out; after a good 15 minutes, I stood back up. "Can I see her?"

"Yes," the doctor said. "One person at a time."

I nodded and looked to Mum.

"Go ahead," she said. "I'm not going anywhere."

I slowly made my way into the room to find Bella hooked up to an IV; her eyes were closed, she looked to peaceful.

"Angel? Are you asleep?"

She opened one eye and looked at me; as she opened the other, her lip started to quiver. "Edward, is it really true? Did I lose the baby?"

"No Love, you didn't lose it," I said. "It just wasn't the right time for us to have a baby, that's all."

That didn't seem to comfort her; she started bawling as she covered her face with her hands. "No! I lost it! It was my fault!"

She looked to the ceiling as though she were trying to see something past it, "It's because I was thinking of getting rid of it, wasn't it?"

"Love, who are you talking to?"

"No one," she said. "I just remembered, there's no one there; no one listening."

"Love, look at me," I said walking to her side and taking her face in my hands. "You did nothing wrong. No one is punishing you; not God, not anybody. Things like this just happen sometimes."

She closed her eyes as more tears fell, "But, why me? Why now? I was just getting used to the idea of being pregnant; I actually really wanted this baby."

"I know you did, Love; I did too, but now we're going to have to accept the fact that it's gone," I said. "And, you know what? We can try again when we're more ready—after we're married and settled—OK?"

She nodded and I bent down to kiss her lips gently; I heard the door open and Mum stuck her head in, "Everything OK in here?"

"Fine," I said as I stroked Bella's face softly, her eyes were starting to get heavy.

"I don't suppose I could talk to Bella quickly, could I? Are you OK to chat for a moment, Love?" Mum asked.

Bella opened her eyes and nodded at Mum, I gave her one final kiss before walking out the door.

BPOV

Edward left me alone with his mom, and I wondered what she had to say that was so important. She sat in the chair beside my bed and took my hand in hers.

"Quite an ordeal today, hmm?"

I nodded at the understatement; she gave me a sad smile.

"Probably feeling sad, hmmm? Feeling like you lost something precious? But, most of all, probably feeling like a bit of a failure? Like you did something wrong, hmmm?"

I thought about this and nodded sadly: I did feel like a failure; a loser, even. Ms. Cullen looked to the door swiftly then back at me, "You want to know something? And you have to promise not to tell Edward."

I nodded and she continued, "I had a miscarriage when I was a little older than you. I got pregnant two years before I had Edward, and I lost the baby. Oh, I cried and cried, I'm sure; I felt like I'd never be good enough to be a mother. Until I had Edward and, you know what? I forgot all about that day; I've almost no memory of it, because it didn't really matter. And it didn't mean that I wasn't good enough or that I did something wrong or evil, it was just not meant to be."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek as Mum confessed this to me; I'd never felt closer to another woman than I did at this moment. I was so glad she would soon be my mother-in-law.

"Now," she said, patting my hand and standing up. "You must be famished! Let's see if we can get you something to eat, hmmm?"

I was forced to stay at the hospital overnight for observation; I woke the next morning to find Edward sleeping in what looked like an uncomfortable position in the chair next to me. I smiled and kissed him on the lips to wake him.

"Morning angel," he said.

"Morning, my knight in shining armor; I can't believe you slept like that all night," I said in wonderment.

"It's not so bad; plus I was not going to go back to the flat and leaving you here alone," he said. "So, I'll take this option if I have to."

"Dork," I said.

"You love it," he replied.

I was able to sign out of the hospital at noon; Alice, Jasper and Mum were there for moral support. They had gifts of flowers and stuffed animals waiting for me when Edward wheeled me out of the hospital in the wheelchair, and then they took me out to my favorite lunch spot. It occurred to me then, not only had I never had a relationship with Renee like I do with Mum, but I've never had friends as loyal as Alice and Jasper before.

Edward got me back home and we sat on the couch the rest of the day just talking. Edward kept giving me worried glances, and I just knew he was wanting to ask me something.

"Edward? What's wrong?"

"Are you sure you're alright, Love? This may take you sometime to get over – you may never get over it, in fact – but, I want you to know you can talk to me anytime you need to."

I smiled, "I'm fine; I'm not anywhere near the same as I was before; but I think I'll eventually be able to put this behind me, and knowing that feels really good."

"I love you."

"I love you more," I replied reaching over to kiss him.

We sat on the couch for a while longer before heading to the bathroom; we sat in the bathtub together for a while then got out so Edward could make me dinner. While he cooked, I put on my iPod; I just didn't expect it to go to this song:

She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
Here
Here
Here

She's convinced she could hold back a glacier
But she couldn't keep Baby alive
Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
Here

You say you don't want it again
And again but you don't really mean it
You say you don't want it
This circus we're in
But you don't you don't really mean it
You don't really mean it
if the Divine master plan is perfection
Maybe next I'll give Judas a try
Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin
Here

You say you don't want it again
And again but you don't really mean it
You say you don't want it
This cirucs we're in
But you don't you don't really mean it
You don't really mean it
How may fates turn around in the overtime
Ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find
You thought that you were the bomb yeah
Well so did I
Say you don't want it
Say you don't want it
Say you don't want it again
And again but you don't really mean it
Say you don't want it
This circus we're in
But you don't you don't really mean it
You don't really mean it

She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
Here

Once the song ended, I finally realized I had rivers of tears running down my cheeks. I knew everyone was right – that I would be OK with this some day. But, today is not that day.

I felt one of my ear buds being removed, "Love? Dinner's ready."

I turned to look at him, wiping my eyes as I did so.

"What's wrong?"

"Sad song," I said. We ate in silence.

So, I guess I worried some of you by saying sad stuff is coming up, but this is the extent of it, so you can rest easy now. I'm going to try and move things along a bit; the wedding and such will be up in the next few chapters.

P.S. The lyrics are to "Spark" by Tori Amos