Rule 2079. The "Idiot Bomb Attack" is now banned.
"So, what have we learned today, sisters?"
The destroyers of Taffy 3 were in a bit of a pickle. Six heavy cruisers and two fast battleships - and none of them had missed the Leyte comparison that force composition invited, either - were blasting away at the rock they were huddled behind, making steady progress through the old stone. And Hoel was not happy, for it had been Heermann and Johnston in all their Leeroy Jenkins glory that had gotten them into this mess.
"Charging at enemies screaming battle cries will not solve all my problems," Johnston dutifully but sulkily recited.
"Getting close to the enemy will not solve all my problems," Heermann also recited in much the same tone.
"Good," Hoel nodded. "So. Anyone got a plan for getting out of this that doesn't involve calling in an airstrike from White or waiting for Jersey?"
"And why can't we do that?!" Heermann demanded - right as a heavy shell punched a neat hole through the rock, passed two inches from her nose, nearly throwing her back from the displaced air, and then went on to smack into the sea and explode several hundred yards behind them.
"Nevermind," the destroyer squeaked.
"Yeah, I dunno about you, but-"
That was as far as Hoel got in her snark before a heavy cruiser Abyssal skidding to a halt at the other side of the rock, practically point-blank range, caught all her attention. Acting on instinct, Hoel grabbed Johnston by the shin, hefted her over her quite loud protests, and then swung the destroyer into the thoroughly surprised Abyssal's face, shouting "Take this! Idiot Bomb!" all the while.
The resulting explosion was impressive.
When the smoke cleared, the Abyssal fell back into the water, scorched and burned, while Johnston hung limply in Hoel's grip.
"Huh. I can't believe that actually did something," the destroyer remarked.
Suddenly, the heavy gunfire that had been roaring for the last half-hour died away, instead replaced by the sound of tearing flesh and metal. Hoel and Heermann chanced a look over the rock, spotting Jersey wading into the small Abyssal force and quite literally tearing it to shreds.
"Go Jersey!" Heermann cheered. Hoel, meanwhile, was looking thoughtfully at the unconscious Johnston and the equally unconscious Abyssal.
"Hmm..."
~o~
"This sucks!" Kagero wailed as she and her divisionmates weaved through towering shell splashes a mess of Abyssal cruisers were making with their guns.
"Shiranui agrees! Very strenuously!" Shiranui... well, agreed.
"... Sucks..." Arare whispered.
"Don't worry!" Kasumi announced. "I have a plan! First, we need to get really close-"
"And then what?! Die?!" Kagero shrieked. "We're out of torpedoes! Let's just wait until help arrives!"
More shells shrieked in, and one hit Shiranui on her right torpedo mount, smashing it to pieces but thankfully not exploding. "Shiranui objects very strongly to that plan!" the destroyer wailed.
"Anyone else?" Kasumi barked. Nobody said anything, not even Kagero. "Alright! Let's go!"
Turning in towards their opponents, the destroyers followed the age-old maneuvering order of "follow the shell splashes". And it quickly became clear that these Abyssals were as green as spring grass. Despite the clear evidence of what the tin cans were doing, they stubbornly insisted on correcting their aim, probably because it wasn't terribly good to begin with. They also seemed to be obscuring each others' shots. Regardless, the quartet made it into melee range with no additional wounds to show for it.
"Alright, Kasumi, what's your big- WAGH!"
Kagero's demand was cut off by Kasumi picking her up by the leg and swinging her back. "Take this!" the Asashio-class destroyer shouted, sending her division-mate careening towards the nearest cruiser. "Fist of Idiot Bomb!"
KABOOM!
The resulting collision caused a colossal explosion that sent the destroyers staggering back - and more importantly, raised a huge, obscuring cloud of smoke.
"Alright, and now time for step 3!" Kasumi announced, slinging Kagero in a fireman's carry. "Run like hell!"
"... Good... idea..." Arare nodded, spinning on her heel and making smoke.
Shells shot through the smoke and steam, but didn't hit anything, and by the time it cleared - and by the time the Abyssals dared go through it - the destroyers were long gone.
~o~
"No," Admiral Collingwood stated.
"But Admiral-!" Hood protested.
"Look, if you're worried about the concussions," Campbelltown cut in. "Don't worry, I'm fine."
"Okay, first of all, I doubt it would work with Campbelltown. She's not an idiot. Just concussed to hell and back."
"Thank you, Admiral!" the ex-American beamed.
"More importantly, despite what she says, she's taken way too many concussions. I don't want her to take any more." A glare froze Hood in place before she could even open her mouth. "And no, you're not recruiting an actual idiot. I don't want this to spread."
"Look, if you're worried about the concussions," Campbelltown cut in. "Don't worry, I'm fine."
Admiral Collingwood glared at the destroyer. "Yes, you said that already."
Campbelltown blinked, then nodded sheepishly. "Right, sorry. Won't happen again."
To his consternation, Hood was looking more shifty-eyed, not less. "What did you do."
"I... may have passed on how to perform the Idiot Bomb?" she said, poking her fingers together. "And that Bismarck, Richelieu, and Vittorio Veneto all thought it was a brilliant idea?"
"So on top of everything else," Collingwood growled, his temper rapidly fraying. "I have to call Hartmann, Masson, and Colombo to inform them that some of their ships are about to see an uptick in concussions? Is that what you're telling me?"
"... Yes?"
"Look, if you're worried about the concussions," Campbelltown cut in. "Don't worry, I'm fine."
Collingwood simply cradled his head in his hands, despair seeping from every pore.