Rise of the Phoenix

Chapter Twenty

Loki stared at the items in wonder.

The box was full of items that had been treasures of Loki's from childhood; his favourite book, his first magical staff he'd had as a child (it was rather small), a small orb that showed him what life was like on other worlds (it rarely showed anyone specific, just people in general), a journal he'd kept, letters to Thor that he and his brother had written for fun when they were playing adventures and other assorted items. They all called out to Loki, attracting his shocked gaze.

For a moment he just stared at them, forgetting about Thor's presence in the room, even the fact that Catherine was there too. He just didn't register their presence for the moment, such was the surprise of being confronted with a childhood that he'd tried so hard not to think about ever since Odin had told him the truth about his parentage.

Catherine watched Loki with some concern before turning to Thor. "I'll leave you two alone," she said quietly with a sad smile. She grabbed her bag and approached the door quietly.

"Thank you, Catherine," said Thor quietly.

Loki's head jerked up at her movements and he looked momentarily confused. "You're leaving?"

Before closing the door behind her, Catherine turned back to look at him. "You two need to talk, Loki…" was all she said before she left the room. Thor turned to look at his 'brother' who was now looking thoroughly pissed at him. Well he had his attention now.

"If you think this is going to turn into a cosy heart to heart, you have another thing coming," Loki growled. "Now leave, Thor," he snapped.

He looked back at his possessions; it wouldn't be so easy to put aside these items after they'd surfaced again but he'd have to try, he knew it. But for that, he needed Thor gone. He didn't want the big blonde oaf watching over him as he tried to bury the past again. However if he thought that Thor was going to be easily dismissed then he was more than wrong.

"No, Loki," Thor told him calmly. "I'm not going anywhere."

Loki turned and glowered at his brother. "Get out now," he reiterated.

Again, Thor shook his head. "No. We have much to discuss."

Loki put the box on the floor and turned to face Thor angrily. "We have nothing to discuss!"

"I know you still care about the items in that box," Thor pointed out. "It's obvious."

Loki scoffed. "What on earth gives you that ridiculous notion? It has simply been a while since I've seen them, that is all."

"And yet you were so transfixed," said Thor. "If you held them in such disregard you would have returned them to me," he added. "But instead you hung on to them," he said simply.

Loki sneered. "Is that supposed to be a metaphor for our 'fractured relationship'?" he said tauntingly. He shook his head at Thor. "I think you're seeing what you want to see."

"Or maybe you're ignoring what you don't want to see," Thor countered, making Loki curse inwardly. "Maybe you just find it easier to block all this stuff out now. But you can't do it forever," said Thor. "Just like I can't help but love Father despite the lies he told us over Nikephorus. Right now I can't forgive him but in time, who knows?"

"Well good for you!" Loki spat in anger. "How lucky you are to be able to put the lies aside so easily."

"At least I am not trying to put my past to one side," Thor said. "That box means something to you. Don't deny it. You would have no problems throwing that box away if it didn't mean anything."

Loki growled and turned away, unable to deny it. He stalked over to the window and gazed out over Asgard, trying to compose himself. But the truth was that Thor was right. Those items had meant a lot to him years ago just had Thor had done once. His personal possessions had brought up many a residual memory in Loki's mind now and not memories that Loki needed to remember, in order to remain aloof from Thor and Odin. He didn't need these happy memories right now, he really didn't.

Loki took a calming breath. "They meant a lot to me once," he said quietly. "There are many memories associated with them. I do not want those memories, Thor," he then added.

"Once upon a time, I meant a lot to you too," Thor said, slowly pacing the room, giving Loki space. "There was a time when you cared about me; when we had good memories together," he spoke softly and with unveiled sadness. "Unlike you, I can't turn my back on any of that so easily, if at all. My behaviour may have been selfish and reckless at times," he said. "But I never outgrew my brother as you seem to have done. I have always loved my brother even if he no longer loves me."

Loki was thankful his back was turned to Thor because he needed to ignore Thor's words and keep composed. He was sure that Thor's words were heartfelt but it made the sting of the truth all the worse in his heart. This was why he wanted Thor at arms' length. Loki didn't need a reminder that they weren't brothers, that their childhood was a lie. However he was unprepared for what Thor said next and what he said shocked Loki to the core.

"But then you have always been a talented liar, brother. You turned your back on us so easily on finding out the truth, that it makes me wonder if you ever did care for us as much as you say you did," Thor said simply. "You have kept this apathy up so easily that it all makes sense; you did not feel anything for us," he added. "I am glad to know the truth now."

Loki's blood boiled. How dare he? How dare Thor turn this back on him? Make Loki out to be the unfeeling type when Loki was the one being lied to all these years? Well alongside Thor but clearly Thor didn't care about that particular lie. Now Thor had the cheek to call Loki unfeeling and accuse him of having no feelings for his family.

How could Thor forget the level of love and admiration that Loki had bestowed upon him for years? All the times they had fought together, Loki following him always into battle… The times they'd laughed together, drank together and played together as children. How could Thor say none of that was real? How dare Thor accuse Loki of never having loved him? It was an ugly accusation.

It was his feelings towards Odin and Thor that had caused his downward spiral; his confliction over his feelings had caused that. If he was such a heartless bastard then why was he still here? He'd had plenty of chances to kill Thor, Odin and Frigga over the past weeks, really let his hurt out, but instead he'd focused on Catherine. If he'd hated Thor and his family then he would have taken Catherine and gone elsewhere to live. Cut himself off completely. But he hadn't so what did that tell Thor?

Loki bit his lip, suddenly rather troubled. That realisation alarmed him. He didn't hate his family. There was a part of him that still loved them despite the lies that had been told.That thought alone made him stop for a moment and think. It shouldn't make any difference, Loki rationalised. They'd made his life a lie and hidden the truth from him. They were liars.

And you've never lied before… Loki ignored that treacherous little thought.

His temper rising, Loki was spinning on his heel before his brain had a chance to catch up and the words fell out of his mouth in a raging storm.

"You dare to accuse me of not loving you?!" he cried out in anger. "Me, who followed you into battle, who drank with you, who carried you home when you had too much ale, who had to break up your bar fights so Father wouldn't hear of your behaviour…?" He paused, his chest heaving. "I who lied for you when you were too hung-over to do your duties, I who helped look after you, who did favours for you…. I who was overlooked constantly because you were the golden son and I still love you anyway!" he snarled not realising what he'd said at first. His rage was building to a crescendo.

"I saved father from my birth father and mother too, because I put them first!" He growled now. "And yet you accuse me of not ever having loved them. Why would I suffer years of being overlooked by people I did not love? Why do you think I put up with it all? Why did you think I stooped so low during your banishment and on my own journey to Midgard? Why else do you think the truth cut so deep?" Loki asked, his emerald eyes glinting. "Because I love my family! I did it all because I care! I was hurt but I still cared! You can't do all that for someone if you don't give a damn!" He roared at his brother.

"You asked me on Midgard if I did not remember all the times we played together and fought together, that we were raised together… well I do. Despite the pain that cost me, I remember," Loki said bitterly. "I looked up to you and now you choose to forget all those years of devotion, I gave you?" he asked in disbelief.

Thor listened, his face wide with shock before blinking and slowly advancing towards Loki, who for once, didn't move.

"You are the one who has forgotten Loki," Thor spoke gently. "How many years have you been holding that inside you?"

Loki's expression was no longer composed and calm, but broken and shaken. He stood there looking up at his brother as he got closer. He realised Thor's trick. He'd managed to trick Loki; God of Mischief, trickster, the prankster… Thor had managed it. "Y-you provoked me…" he muttered.

The response was feeble and Loki knew it but he'd surprised himself with the depth of his feelings. He couldn't deny now that he still loved his family, not know it had finally exploded from within him like a ticking time bomb. Loki's thoughts turned to Tyr. You were right, son. He told him mentally. I have always cared for my family even when I didn't want them to be my family. Yet Thor had never wavered, never given up on Loki. He could have killed him on Midgard but instead Thor supported him in his punishment. It made no sense. What kind of brother wouldn't hate him for what he'd done? What kind of brother tolerated such deeds?

Thor

That kind of brother, apparently.

"If you had not forgotten," Thor said. "You would never have let our brotherhood come to this," he added. "If you truly hated me, you would not be here and I would not have persevered so much."

Loki frowned, looking away and trying to make sense of this conversation. It had turned into a heart to heart after all, something'd actively tried to avoid all these years. Thor had become crafty without Loki realising it. Breaking from his thoughts, Loki watched as Thor gestured to the box of Loki's childhood. Raising an eyebrow, Loki said nothing, waiting for Thor.

"This box," Thor began. "It was my way of giving you your freedom," he explained.

"My freedom?" Loki asked.

"Your freedom to move on," Thor said. "If that's what you want." He paused sadly. "I've been trying so hard to hold onto my brother," he said. "But they say that if you love someone, you should let them go," he told Loki solemnly.

Loki stared in shock before glancing at the box of possessions. He definitely hadn't expected that. Thor, offering to let him go… He should feel relief and joy at this. But he didn't, he felt empty, drained and confused. Was this a scheme of Thor's? Loki looked into the blonde man's blue eyes and knew instantly that it wasn't. This was Thor being considerate.

Loki looked away for a moment. "I need time to think… please… leave me for a while," he murmured quietly. He heard no sound from Thor but the soft thud of the door closing.

Loki returned to the window in shock at all that had happened. Had he really just laid all his cards on the table like that to Thor? What happened now? Loki felt exposed and it was an uncomfortable feeling. He should resent Thor for allowing this to happen but deep down, Loki felt relieved, like a huge weight had dropped off his shoulders. Except now he just felt confused.

Thor had never given up on Loki, always treating him as family even when he knew the truth. Why was that? Why was Thor not angry or pushing Loki away? How could he tolerate a Jotun being his brother? It made no sense. Thor hated the Jotuns. He'd tried to kill them in Jotunheim and yet when he returned from his banishment, he'd wanted to spare them. Had Earth changed him so? Had his punishment been beneficial for him? Typical Thor, even his punishments are better than yours… Loki, for once, ignored that jealous and frankly rather irrational thought.

Thor had been better after his punishment and still reached out to Loki even when Loki was causing merry hell on Midgard. Thor had still been trying to help Loki. Had Loki been wrong to ignore his brother's attempts to help? He hadn't felt wrong at the time but now he wasn't so sure of it.

Perhaps this might have occurred sooner if he'd let his brother help him. But hindsight was one of those things that made looking into the past so very painful where mistakes were concerned. It's easy to notice the little things that could have been different when they'd already happened. It was easy to see where Odin's favouritism had been obvious because of Loki's Jotun heritage now that Loki knew the truth. As a child, he'd suspected the favouritism but put it down to Thor being the elder son rather than anything to do with race.

Loki thought again about Thor could tolerate a Jotun brother. How could Thor be so calm and rational when he'd been lied to as well? Did his feelings for Loki not change at all? Did he really still love him despite everything? A heaviness settled over Loki's heart and he ran a hand over his face. Thor did indeed love him despite everything and Loki felt weighed down by the shame of it. Thor had never judged him for his race.

Nor had Frigga for that matter. She'd always treated him like her own. He had no bitter feelings for his mother, maybe for that fact. She'd never favoured either of her children. She'd equally loved Loki as well as Thor and that was why it was so hard to even think about being angry at her. He found her words about being her son easier to believe than Odin's. Odin was harder to forgive. So really that was two out of his three family members that felt more at peace with. Was it possible that there was a light at the end of this ridiculously dark tunnel? Could a family recover from such lies? Could he recover from feeling so inferior for all these years?

Loki moved to sit on the couch. A thought occurred to him. Was it possible he was making a mountain out of a molehill? He remembered his rant to Thor about everything he'd done for him. He had felt inferior but he had still had many warm memories with his family nevertheless despite the feeling. Had he felt inferior all his life, all the time? He wasn't sure when it had begun but he was beginning to wonder if it had been so constant after all or if he was choosing to remember it that way. The good memories resurfaced and Loki found himself wondering if the inferiority was normal for siblings; after all they fell out. Some said firstborns were favoured… so Loki's feelings could have been relatively standard for a younger sibling.

Even Loki had to admit that once Thor had known about his bad behaviour, he had constantly tried to make amends which was… commendable. There had been times when Loki felt like Thor's equal. Just thinking about it brought back a lot of memories.

In the years before Thor was gifted with Mijolnir, the brothers had fought together as a team; combining Thor's close range attacks with Loki's long range. They had always done well in battle together and had acknowledged each other's prowess.

Drinking together had always been another pastime where Thor did not outshine Loki. Despite his slighter stature, Loki was normally very good at pacing himself with alcohol, rarely showing any signs of effects on him. (Unlike on Midgard where he'd drunk whiskey very quickly on a number of occasions. They had not been his finest moments.)

Getting up, Loki ran a hand through his hair and decided to set out on a walk and clear his mind. Closing the door behind him softly, Loki set off, head bowed as he let himself think. He wandered quietly through the palace for a while before entering the courtyard. It was peaceful there for a while especially standing in front of the fountain. Staring into the water felt rather hypnotic and yet soothing at the same time. It felt good to let his mind blank out for a little bit. However soon more people began to show up and Loki soon left the palace altogether, making his way towards a very familiar garden; the Memorial Garden.

He reached Tyr's grave without thinking about it. He stared at the angel statue sadly and sat down, wearied by his thoughts. He leant against the statue, closing his eyes and letting his mind blank, just so he didn't have to think for a while. He stayed like that until the sun had passed noon and was a few hours further into the day. Tiredness overtook him, weighted with emotions. Loki soon drifted into a sleep where he was brought into a familiar dream.

He was in the garden again and Tyr was sat next to him with a smile. Loki smiled warmly back though it felt draining. It must have shown on his face because Tyr reached up and touched his cheek.

"Father, are you okay?" he asked. "You look tired."

Loki smiled at his son's concern. "I've just been talking with your Uncle Thor," he said smiling slightly, hoping that Tyr would detect the subtle hint.

Tyr looked away. "You were right before, Father. Let's not talk about this anymore or we'll argue again. I hate arguing-" he began before pausing. "Wait… Uncle Thor?" He looked round at Loki with very wide eyes that Loki couldn't help but think was cute.

"Yes…. My brother," Loki admitted.

Tyr beamed. "You've made up?"

"I wouldn't go that far yet, Tyr… but I think we may be getting there," Loki said. "Slowly but surely."

Tyr continued to beam. "That's great… I'm so happy!" he cheered and Loki chuckled, putting an arm around his son lovingly.

He soon found himself jolted awake by a hand on his arm. He looked up to see Catherine gazing down at him. He blinked up at her for a moment.

"What are you doing here? And sleeping?" Catherine asked. "You know we have a perfectly good bed at home…" she said offering a hand to help him up. As he took it, she pulled him up.

Loki chuckled. "I know… I was just thinking." He noticed the orange-gold glow in the sky. Was it evening already? How long had he slept? "Oh… it's late."

"Yeah, I've been looking for you for a few hours," said Catherine. "I thought I'd give you and Thor some space but when I came back, you were gone," she said before looking at him tentatively. "So… what happened? Did you fight?"

Loki smirked a little. "Actually… no…" His expression became serious. "I apologise for worrying you but Thor was the reason for me coming here to think. I've been made to think a lot about things that have gone on," he said, putting an arm around Catherine as they began to walk back to the palace.

"What things?" Catherine asked quietly.

"Everything," Loki murmured. "You were right to leave us alone… there were things we had to say to each other… and now I think we can move forwards," he told her.

Catherine raised an eyebrow. "Forwards?"

Loki actually smiled slightly. "I think we may be able to build a few bridges between us. Or at least, I'm going to try to," he told Catherine.

"Really?" Catherine asked in delight. "That's wonderful!"

He smiled as her face lit up in the same way as Tyr's had. He couldn't help but laugh a little at that. Her confused face and slightly widened eyes just made it worse. He laughed a little harder, then harder, his chest feeling lighter than before.

"What's so funny?" Catherine demanded in surprise.

Loki smirked. "Oh nothing."