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Stress and Cliffs

I tucked my little note for Edward away and grabbed the black video tape sitting on my desk, waiting for my attention. Alice was still laying on the couch when I walked into the living room. My head was still pounding and now I felt sick to my stomach as well. I made a pact with myself to never drink again. The TV was off so I turned it on and plugged in the VCR. I shoved the video into it and hit play. There on the screen was Edward, sitting in my kitchen. His face bright with sunshine pouring in the windows and with his very own smile.

I wanted to cry and break down, but I knew that crying would do no good now. If I succumbed to the weaker part of me I wasn't sure I could make my way back to the strong me. And then Edward was speaking and my mind went immediately blank.

"I know you can do it, Bella. You are naturally a happy person, I believe." His smile faltered a bit. "This is so much harder than I expected. Saying goodbye to you before I actually have to say goodbye to you is killing me." He was outright frowning now. "Alice, do you mind stopping the tape for a bit? I'll be back in twenty minutes." I panicked, not knowing what was going to happen. The screen went blue.

"What?! No, come back! Alice, where'd he go?"

"Bella, stop yelling. It's too early for this. Keep your voice down."

"It's nearly one thirty in the afternoon." I scoffed at her and then jumped in shock as Edward's face reappeared on the screen. This time marginally happier than when he had left.

"I just took a quick trip to the convenience store. And conveniently my favourite person was there."

"That was horrible, Edward," I said before I realized he couldn't actually hear me.

"Yes, I know. That was horrible." Okay, so we know each other well. That's a good sign. "Anyway, I guess I should give you a goal for September. Work hard in school. This is your last year of high school and it will count the most when colleges and universities are looking at you. At least one of us needs a decent paying job." His smile turned playful. "You can be the bread winner now. Us males have had the hard life for quite some time." What a jerk. But I still laughed and smiled.

"Alright, turn this thing off now. See you on October first. Love you." I hit stop and turned off the TV.

"Great, now that that's done, can you go be noisy somewhere else?" Alice grumbled. She was so grouchy in the morning. Grouchier the usual today because of her hangover. I stuck my tongue out at her and went off to my room to get my note to mail, smiling the whole way and then for a large part of the rest of the afternoon. Even though my stomach was anything but happy.

My last few days of summer were spent working. They were boring, long days during which Edward's letters were the only thing keeping me going. Edward's video had gotten me thinking. What did I want to do with my life? I really didn't know. Did I even want to go to college? I felt the pressure to go. I felt the pressure to succeed. Both Renee and Charlie had gone to college. I knew Alice planned on it. I couldn't be the only one in the family who failed. Plus, I was tearing my brain apart trying to figure out why Edward had said: "At least one of us needs a decent paying job." Did he not do well in school? Surely money was not an issue, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen had plenty of money to pay for Emmett and Edward's tuition. I'd thought about asking him in a letter but it seemed like something I needed to bring up in person, so I could gauge his reaction.

The first day of school I woke up late. It was taking me a while to get back into the swing of things. I rushed out the door with a scrawny lunch thrown in a plastic bag to join Alice in her car, which had been returned to our home without a scratch and a full tank of gas. Jacob was the best.

"Sorry, Ali. I didn't mean to make you wai- OUCH! Jesus Christ, Alice!" My raised voice was due to the fact that Alice had nearly blinded me with the flash of her camera.

"Now don't use that language with me. Remember our contract?" She shook a finger at me as she started the car and drove out of the driveway and on to the road. I huffed and rolled my eyes.

When I got to school it felt just like the typical first day back. People were sitting on picnic-tables talking, people were running at each other from across the quad, excited after not seeing each other for some extended period. Girls were wearing new clothes and boys sported new hair cuts and a little less baby fat than they'd had in June. I didn't have new clothes. I was comfortable with what I knew and felt good in. The only person I wanted to be running to wouldn't be home for another three months. It was a thoroughly dispiriting event.

Alice must have seen something on my face because she linked her arm with mine and pulled me through the quad to a table full of all our friends. Emmett - one of those horrid morning person types - was entertaining everyone with the re-enactment of some show he'd watch the night before. Rosalie was sitting on his lap snickering. Those two had no problem with PDA. Jasper was sitting on Emmett's left with Mike on his left. On the other side of the table sat Toby, Angela and Ben. It looked to me like Toby and I might have the same kind of situation going on. Mac had gone halfway across the country for culinary school and Toby was missing him something fierce. He barely smiled and that disturbed me a bit because Toby always had the widest, happiest smile.

Alice skipped over and squeezed into the space between Mike and Jasper while I sat in the empty spot beside Toby. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head on mine. We understood what the other was going through very well.

In the absence of Edward, Mike became vocal about his delusions of me and him again. Not an hour into the lunch period he was sitting way to close for comfort and telling me how "lovely" my hair smelt. I hadn't washed it that morning having been in too much of a rush already. Then as we were walking to English together he tried to take my hand.

"Umm, Mike, what are you doing?"

"Hm, what?" he asked, trying to sound oblivious to my tone of voice.

"Mike Newton, what do you think you're doing?" I stopped walking and turned to face him, my voice raising a decibel. He looked shocked and honestly confused.

"I just thought now that Edward's gone we could get back to us. I missed you." And then he did an extremely pathetic puppy dog pout. My lips tightened, my eyes narrowed, my fists clenched, my nostrils flared. I was livid.

"That's it, Newton. If you insist on living in this make-believe, messed up world I will be forced to get Emmett to force you out of it. Edward and I are still together. And we will be for a very long time. You need to back off and find someone who wants you back, because I don't!" I was nearly yelling and anyone in the immediate vicinity and radiating outward, was frozen to their spot, shocked to the bone by meek Bella yelling. Mike looked the same mix of discomfort, anger and sadness as he had on the way home from camping. But I honestly didn't care. "Grow up, Mike."

I stalked away to class and sat in the very front between Jessica Stanley and Tyler. I didn't look behind me, too afraid I'd see Mike and lose my mind yet again.

When I finally got home I was done. The amount of energy I put into keeping my composure all day had taken its toll on me. I barely managed to stay awake past dinner, and I didn't make it through Alice's rant on stupid girls who use too much hairspray after gym and completely contaminated the changing room air for everyone else. I didn't bother putting on pajamas and I never made it under the covers, though someone draped a blanket over me.

The first week of school was mostly the same, minus my freak out. Word had quickly gotten around that I was seeing a new guy named Edward. His mystery image served as all the water the gossip vine might have needed. I spent a good majority of my time at school trying to find clever places to hide. But it seemed everywhere I went people's eyes found me. I used up all my stores of energy during the day and barely managed to eat and do homework before passing out. I planned to use the weekend to sleep early and wake up late.

On the Sunday, though, I was woken up at eight in the morning when my family shook me a bit and then sat down on my bed. I blurrily peeked at them. Renee was holding a fair-sized cardboard box out to me.

"What's this?" I asked as I sat up.

"We don't know," Charlie said and then took the package from Renee and put it in my lap. "But it's addressed to you. Open it!" I glanced at the address and saw it was written in Edward's writing. I quickly ripped the top of the box open and plunged my hands into the sea of Styrofoam S's. I came out with a card first.

On the front of the card was a picture of a plush bear wearing a birthday hat and holding a present. Above the bear's head it said: Have A Beary Happy Birthday. I looked over to my calendar and saw the date. September 13th. I'd forgotten about my own birthday. I opened the card quickly. It had no more witty/pathetic puns inside, just more of Edward's writing.

Bella,

Happy birthday, love! We're both eighteen now. I'm sorry about this incredibly lame card, but it was all the drug store had unless you wanted one wishing you a speedy recovery from your tonsillectomy. Only 63 more days until I can see you. I miss you and I love you. I hope you like your present.

- Edward

I plunged my hands back into the box and dug around until my fingers closed on a round object. It was heavy so I had to use both hands to pull it out. It was a snow globe. Well, kind of. In the globe part there was a silver crescent moon, the very tip of it joined with the base to hold it in place. Littering the area around the base of the moon, instead of snow, were hundreds of tiny, gold stars. I turned the globe upside down and shook it a bit. When I set it up straight again the stars fell slowly past the moon, their reflective surfaces glittering in the morning light. The base that the globe was on looked like crashing ocean waves in deep blue shades. It looked wicked and terrifying at the same time as majestic and wondrous. There was a small piece of paper taped to the base that said 'play me' with an arrow pointing to a little silver knob. I wound the knob a few times and let it play. Claire de Lune trickled from the elegant gift in my hand. I smiled and cried at the same time while my family - who I'd almost forgotten about - hugged me and congratulated me on making it through 18 years of life. Then they left me alone for a little while before breakfast.

I placed the star globe on my desk next to Knox's tank and wound the song to the beginning. As it played Knox came up to the glass and stared contentedly at the new scenery. I thought he might flare up at it, but he did no such thing. He just stared. I knew he was just a fish, but I think he knew who it was from and I think he knew he liked that person a whole lot. Or maybe I was just wishful and the music was just soothing. It was hard to tell, Knox being a fish and all.

I had a big breakfast with my family, opened their presents at lunch and ate dinner with them and the Cullens. Alice gave me my favourite book - Wuthering Heights - back after being stolen from my shelf and then rebound and covered. It was the best and most sensible gift she'd ever given me. Renee and Charlie gave me a new stationary set because the one Alice and Jasper had given me was running low. From the Cullens I received an expansion pack for Rock Band and a bottle of Eau de Toilette. The only thing that could have made my eighteenth birthday better was to have Edward there. Otherwise, it was amazing. I smiled genuinely and honestly enjoyed myself and the gifts I was given.

That night I fell sleep at a decent enough time for an eighteen-year-old girl, listening to Claire de Lune.

That day managed the get me successfully through the next week. But it couldn't save me forever. Eventually my school work started to pile up and with it stress pressed down on my shoulders. On top of that I still wasn't sure which, if any, colleges I wanted to apply to, and no idea what kind of program I'd apply for if I did. I could see my future looming ahead of me, vast and barren without a career. Edward stood out very clearly, though. He was the only thing with height above level ground. Like a cactus in the desert except not prickly.

As October approached it brought the feeling of defeat and doom. I was behind on my school work and couldn't seem to tell what I wanted to do with my life yet.

The Monday of the last week of the month was my breaking point.

I slept in late again, Alice and I were nearly late for the tenth time that month. Thankfully she's a speed demon. In my first class, Spanish, I failed to remember the short essay I was supposed to write over the weekend. If I handed it in the next day there would be a 5 percent deduction from my mark, 5 percent more for every day after that as well. I spent my lunch period in the library typing it up as quickly as I possibly could so I could get it in by the end of the day. In Bio my lab partner was MIA and I had to do an entire dissection on my own. It was terrible. On the drive home we hit a bump and I spilt hot tea all down the front of myself an onto Alice's seats.

I cried all the way home after that.

At one point Alice took out her camera and tried to take a picture of me. I flipped and screamed,

"Stop taking your fucking pictures!" She looked like she was about to remind me of our agreement until she saw my body shaking with the effort of staying together.

When we got home I quickly cleaned Alice's seats even though she protested and told me not to bother. I checked the mail after that, hoping for even just a sentence from Edward. There was no mail for me. I cried harder. Up stairs in my room I realized I had two other essays to work on and an entire chapter of my Law textbook to read.

My whole body was wracking with sobs. I had no control over myself. I hadn't let myself shed one tear for nearly two whole months. Now it was pouring out of me. These weren't little teardrops from my birthday. There was not one single positive feeling going into these fat beads of salt water. Alice looked completely lost as to how to deal with me, so I went to the only person I thought might know a fraction of what I was feeling. I would call Toby. First I reassured Alice I was okay and urged her to go and spent the evening with Jasper like she planned. Then I picked up the phone and called Toby.

He answered on the third ring.

"Hello, Week residence."

"Hey, Toby. It's me, Bella."

"Oh hey, sweetie. What's up? You sound horrible."

"Would you mind just talking to me for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure. Anything specific or do you just want me to ramble?"

"Toby, I miss his so much! And I don't know what to do with my life. I forgot my own birthday, I'm falling behind in my classes, I just scolded myself and almost stained Alice's seats with tea and I flipped at her. I'm a mess. How are you doing this?" I heard a sniffle on the other end.

"I'm not doing half as well as you think."

I was totally shocked and couldn't comprehend exactly what he meant by that. "What?" There was more sniffling and then Toby said,

"Meet me on the La Push cliffs in forty-five minutes? I think we both need to talk." I agreed to meet him and said a quick goodbye.

I apologized to Alice for my earlier outburst, nearly begged her forgiveness. She was only worried about me. I assure her that I was fine and told her I was going to hangout with Toby. Jasper gave me looks that clearly said, Like hell, you're fine. What's going on? I left in a quiet and reserved manner in a vain effort to throw Jasper off my scent. It didn't work. His deep blue eyes pierced me to the bone as I left.

I made it to the cliffs by 4:50. Toby was already there, his legs dangling dangerously off the edge. I was scared stiff of the height so I sat beside him two feet back from the edge with my knees pulled up to my chest. Toby reached back and took hold of one of my hands.

"I totally get how hard this is for you. I can't imagine having to go through this twice. Especially with one of them being as permanent as Cory." With the mention of Cory I felt completely sick with myself. I'd hardly thought about him in months. Now, as I pictured his face and remember he and I on these very cliffs, I found that I could do so without going into shock. The void his face used to create was now filled. An Edward shaped filler stood in the void's way. I found it was just peaceful and sweet to remember Cory in such a good light.

I must have been quiet for a while because Toby suddenly squeezed my hand and said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought him up. Do you need to go home?" I looked up into his soft brown eyes and smiled weakly.

"No, I'm fine." There was shock in my voice. This was such a strange concept. Toby looked skeptical at first, but when I told him outright about Cory and I having a picnic right in that very spot, his eyes widened and he gave me one of his pure smiles.

"That boy's made of something special, Bella. Hold on to him tight." I nodded my head in agreement and smiled back. I found that all of my other problems seemed to fade into the background as I looked at Toby. He had his shoulders hunched and his head hung low. His handsome ebony face, usually so exuberant and lively, was blank. Save for the small smile he was giving me. He looked like he was trying to curl in on himself.

"How are you?" I asked him. His smile faltered.

"Mac keeps calling me and telling me all about how much fun he's having and it doesn't seem like he's missing me at all. Mean while I'm sitting here all screwed up. He hasn't said he misses me even once. And I miss him so much, Bella." I squeezed his hand this time.

"Well, have you told him you miss him? Maybe he's afraid to let you know how he feels."

"Bella, he is a gay man who is completely out of the closet. The least of his worries should be telling his boyfriend that he misses him."

"Love can make people irrational. Also, just because he's out doesn't mean anything when it comes to how he shows his feelings. Come on, Toby. You're making up excuse to not talk to him about it now. You're doing the same thing you're accusing him of. And being afraid to speak your feelings is completely typical of any human relationship." At first I got a blank stare from Toby, but after a few seconds he smiled and pulled himself back from the edge to pull me into a huge hug and a smattering of cheek-kisses.

"Girl, you've sure got a way with words."

When I got home Alice, Jasper, Mom and Charlie were eating dinner. There was a place set for me. I sat down and filled my plate. Mom and Charlie greeted me and asked me how school went. I told them it had been pretty hectic. They told me all about a Halloween party they wanted to plan for the next month. They wanted to go all out. Decorate the house in a gothic type of way, have the whole family dress as vampires. Serve red punch and play dance music.

Under the cover of party planning chaos, Jasper looked over to gauge my emotional situation. I could see he was surprised when I seemed to be genuinely just fine.