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CHAPTER 21 - BPOV

"Bella, you're going to have to say something sooner or later. You have to face this now, or never."

How about later, and never.

Jasper drums his fingertips impatiently on his big professional desk. I can't believe I'm back here again. Last night, at the fall fair, that was the best night of my life. Everything was perfect. I forgot about Bella creeping on my skin and I was just able to let go.

Then, this morning I woke up next to a living, breathing angel. But not even Edward could chase away the pain. In the end, he's the one who drove me here-to his house. To face Jasper. To face the past. To face everything I once forgot.

He apologized, but he shouldn't have. I mean, I made a promise to Charlie and Carlisle that I'd let Jasper be my shrink. I'm trying as best as I can, but I can't keep revisiting the past like this. It becomes difficult more and more. Even as I sit here, thinking about the past, I think about the stupid little girl and her beliefs in happiness and fairytales. The stupid little girl who didn't take caution and the stupid little girl who got hurt in the end.

What a stupid little girl.

I look away, but Jasper's not giving up. We've been in here for almost twenty minutes and Jasper isn't exactly getting a lot from me. I bet he regrets volunteering. I bet he wishes he were studying someone less difficult.

His eyes wander to the black case sitting in the corner of the room. I know what he's about to say, his eyes are lighting up and I picture a bright yellow light bulb go off.

"Why don't you play me something?" there's a smile on his face and I look at him like he's a fucking psycho path. He gets the clue. "Bella, cooperate with me please. I don't understand. Behind these walls, you're… different."

I'm different?

"How?"

He looks a little enlightened that I finally spoke a word. "You're a little happier than this."

I shake my head. "I couldn't be."

"Last night you were." He points out and I almost give in just thinking about that amazing dance and the carnival games with Edward. Jasper's looking at me like a volcano about to erupt. But I won't give in. Not today. I'm just not ready.

"You know what I think it is?" there's an even larger smile on his face. I'm not liking this.

"What?"

"I think it's Edward." The beat of my heart speeds up and I'm hoping, praying my cheeks don't give any assumptions away. I'm tightening my grip on the arm chair, fighting every fiber of my being that wants to smile and blush.

I mean, yeah last night was probably one of the best moments that ever happened in my life, but I'm still not exactly going to tell Jasper that. It's something you want to share with just you and one person and maybe your diary.

"What about him?" I try to sound as careless as I can. Jasper though, doesn't seem to take me seriously. He lies back in his seat like he's figured me out.

"He makes you glow with happiness. You smile when you're around him. You laugh when you're around him. Heck, you even blush! Bella, don't tell me I'm not right."

Okay, call me a dork, call me a loser, but I gave in. Jasper's grinning with joy even harder. I kind of want to shoot myself at this point.

"I'm right."

I shrug.

"Say it."

I shrug again.

"Bella-"

"You're pushing my buttons, Jasper."

He smiles. "That's good. That means you're a step closer to erupting all that hot lava built inside of you. Bella, please, work with me here. You've been coming for some time and you trust me, don't you?"

I can't look into his eyes and lie to him. I know he wants to hear, "Yes, yes I do trust you Jasper. I trust you with my fucking swollen heart." But it's not that easy gaining trust.

He sees that I won't give in so he tries one more time.

"I have a scrapbook." He tells me while pulling out a drawer from his side. With shock I watch as he places the big black book on top of his desk, unopened. It's the same book Charlie had peaked into. The same book that revealed every detail of Isabella.

I take in a sharp breath as Jasper delicately lifts the cover of the scrapbook I'd once poured my heart on. His expression is calm, as if it were nothing. And it is nothing to him because it's not his memories. It's not his photos glued onto the page with notes and hearts drawn all over. It's not he who has been through so much thunderstorms and it wasn't him who's had his heart crushed and left to heal itself. It wasn't him who made someone their everything and in the end was left with nothing.

He stops mid page as soon as he sees him. By the way his eyebrows are pushed together, and the slight lift of his chin, I know he's going to put the book aside and lean forward to ask,

"Who is this?" He says it just as I'm about to in my mind.

I swallow. Hard. My heart is pounding but not in the good way. It's like a life or death situation kind of pound. You're overcome by this fear and all you can think is, "Fuck Everything And Run". That's the kind of fear I've had for so long. I like to pretend that everything's alright because when everybody else thinks you're alright, sometimes you forget for a little while that you're not. That's what happened to me when I came to Forks. And with Edward, he makes it so easy to forget the past and enjoy the present.

But even after all the little romance-sappy moments with him, I can't help but have that fear again. It's like I trust him with my little fragile heart and then I don't. Last night, it was amazing, but can it still go on?

There are six billion people in this world. That's twelve billion hands to hold and twelve billion eyes to gaze into. Twelve billion lips to whisper the only words that seem to make your heart flutter ten times harder. Six billion people and Edward seems to only be talking to me. Besides his family and all.

Six fucking billion people. That's five million, nine hundred thousand and ninety nine left to choose from. And for some reason- some fucking odd reason- he chooses the plain Jane to take to the carnival. The brown eyed girl to have weird Burger King dates with and the brown haired girl who's so hopelessly lost.

My God. Am I still on Earth?

"Bella?" When I snap from my own thoughts to the cautious look on Jasper's face, I realize, I feel the tears falling down my cheek. "Are you okay?" he asks.

I'm crying.

I try to look away, blinking and wiping all the tears. I turn back to Jasper who's studying my watery eyes and nod.

"I'm fine." I tell him. But we all know that behind every 'I'm fine' is a million reasons why we're not.

He shakes his head denying it. "You know Bella, they say that when a person cries, and the first tear comes from their right eye, it means happiness. But if the first tear is from the left, it means pain."

"I'm not crying." I look away and study the portrait that seems to be painted around the 1800s and it looks exactly like Carlisle. Strange. Maybe it's his g-pa or his dad. But his dad can't be that old because Carlisle's only like… in his early 30s.

Distractions, distractions.

Those are exactly what I need, but I can't look anywhere because I can feel the burn of Jasper's eyes on me. My eyes are aching to look at him to see what he's doing. To see if I can read his expression and figure out what he's thinking or what he's going to say.

And so the secret staring contest between Jasper and I is coming to an end with Jasper winning and I in sorrow defeat.

"Bella," he says all gentle like Renee when she'd first encountered my little crazy state. "I told you, this is your room. This is your time to pour your heart out, cry your eyes out and beat the crap out of something- if you need to. All I need is some cooperation Bella. I know you can do it. We come closer to the truth each day and the only way to conquer the past is to let it all out. Whether you need to cry or scream or sing a song just let it out. After you let it all out, every ounce of your tears or until you can't talk anymore, there won't be anything left inside you, Bella. The truth is that we are all a little damaged.
Some of us just hide it better than others, but at some point we need to let go and focus on the present and dream for a better future. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it just means accepting that some things just aren't meant to be. And you're not meant to be grieving Bella. There's something more exciting, more vibrant about you that's dying to come out."

Fuck everything and run, Bella.

No.

I can't back down. Not now, not ever. It's time to move on with my life. I've got to stop reading the same page and continue turning the fucking pages. The memories are still locked in my mind, but they're what's stopping me from living my life. And I need to lock it all up elsewhere and throw away the key.

I need to smash my rearview mirror and never look back.

This is it. This is my one chance to just let go and be me again.

And I need to take this chance. You can fucking do this. You deserve to be happy Bella.

I lean forward, wiping the remaining tears and getting ready to wipe the ones soon to come. Jasper's waiting for me to open my mouth and scream or something and I really want to do that. So I do. I scream every foul word I can think of to describe him. Every word I once held back as soon as he walked away is now reaching the walls. And it feels good.

My adrenaline is going as Jasper lays back in his seat, a little taken back at first. I get up to pace around the room ripping any sheets of paper I can see (that Jasper so kindly lay out in case I needed it).

I'm glaring outside the fucking window because I hate this fucking weather and I mention how badly I do in my little rant. I mention Renee and how I hate her so much for giving me all those shrinks and asking doctors to prescribe me medication. How she forced me to go to all those stupid community rehab centers because she thought I was losing my mind and I was. I just lost it in my thoughts, in all those days I spent sitting in those filthy seats with a shrink in front of me. When Renee put me in that ridiculous place, it really did make me feel useless, worthless and idiotic. I felt retarded that I even let myself hurt myself this far. I felt stupid that I trusted so easily and after all those nights of pain, I was the one to blame.

That's how I turned to Bella. To alcohol. To drugs. To hurting myself- physically and emotionally. All because I had all the time in the world to think about my situation.

I let myself take over me. I am my only enemy.

I'm coming to my conclusion when I sit down. I'm breathing pretty heavy in my seat when I grab the scrapbook and flip through it. I read over the words I once wrote down, all happy and in…love (you can say).

February 14th, 2009. Valentines Day.

D really is the best. He brought me on my very first sail ride today. We watched the sunset and ate a perfect meal he cooked. Mushroom ravioli- my favourite. He's so perfect and incredible. I can't believe he's mine. Well…not mine just yet. But I have him. I have him so close. Even though we're best friends, we really do have a connection. I think he feels it too. Otherwise he wouldn't have brought me out on Valentine's day. He has to feel something, anything. I can't wait to become official with him. He really lights up my world-

I stop reading not believing a single word I wrote. What was I thinking? He's not perfect. He's not incredible and he was never mine. I was just…nothing. I was nothing to him. But he played me and it really hurt. A lot. The pain was excruciating and I felt it from morning to night. Even in my sleep.

I admit it. I was a silly little girl who walked into the world of emotions beyond friendship. I trusted him so easily. With everything. My secrets, my fucking bra size, when I got my fucking period, all my embarrassing stories and my whole entire life. I built everything on him and let him just take it and throw it away. Then I broke into a million shattered pieces that I never thought could be possible. And there was no one to fix that. No one.

I've honestly lost all respect for him. I didn't fall for him because of his body, or his looks. I fell for him because of his maturity and the friendship he built with me. I fell for him because I trusted him with my entire life, and knew he would never betray me. I don't know where all that went, but it took my respect with it.

How could I have been so stupid?

I turn to the very last few pages of the book and I notice all the scribbles and drawings of a photo I'd taken before the days he left. There are words like "jackass", "retard", "dick" and "bitch" written all over in a big, bold font. It makes me cry harder.

May 16th, 2009.
I'm hoping for the day you meet a girl who treats people like you do. I hope you fall for her and I hope she makes you think she fell for you too. And while you're planning your life together, I hope she gets up and walks right out your front door. I hope you never fucking see her again, and I hope that breaks your fucking heart.

That was when I began realizing I shouldn't give a fuck about people until I was ready. These people now- Charlie, Carlisle, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Edward…the whole fucking Cullen family- they somehow managed to get into my life. I didn't plan for any of this to happen. They're just here like it's a fucking coincidence. Like they're supposed to be here.

And now, I feel like they shouldn't. But through all this, they're here because I hadn't put up any barriers from allowing them to pass through. In my little state of unhealthy mind, they were secretly crossing and I wouldn't notice. And I wouldn't mind it because all this time, they were my distraction.

I don't know if I really mean for them to be here. If I really mean every smile my lips curve into whenever I'm around them. I don't understand what's going on as of now. What the fuck am I doing?

"What did he do to you?" It's not Jasper's voice that I hear through my thoughts. When I turn my head in the direction of the door I see Edward standing there looking as though he's sharing my pain.

I turn back to face Jasper. Was Edward standing there the whole time? How much did he hear? How much does he know?

I feel like I should be angry that he invaded my privacy, but I feel a wave of relief. Of happiness. I think about what I always wanted and needed. The things I still do.

All I want is one person. One person to hold me down. I want someone to hug me unexpectedly from behind, just in hope that he'd make me smile. I want someone to just hold me when I'm about to explode into a million pieces. I want someone to really, truly care. I just want someone.

And that someone is standing at the doorway with a look that says he cares. And as I slowly get up from my seat, I realize that everything else fades from view when he walks into the room. I can hear my heart beat pick up and feel my lips curve into an almost smile. Through the pain and the tears, Edward's the relief. I guess he's kind of amazing that way.

But at the same time, as my hands come in contact with his and the iciness of the feeling gives me shivers down my back I think about what would happen if I could never hold these hands again? What if one day, I wake up and he's gone?

I don't think I can face that same dilemma again.

But then again, life's an adventure. Right? We're always going to face obstacles, fight challenges, but in the end, we all win in our own ways. You just have to take that step. Take the risk. If all goes well, then it's well. If not, then move on.

Dammit. I should be a teacher.

"Bella?" Edward pulls away and Jasper excuses himself from the room. But before he leaves, his lips are moving, and I hear nothing but Edward seems to have heard him when he nods. Weird.

"Mhm?"

"What did he do to you?" he repeats for the second time. When he says this, the silent movie in my mind rewinds to when Renee asked this same question the morning I cried my heart out. I remember answering 'everything'. But right now, everything isn't what I should be saying. I owe it to him for opening new doors for me no matter how badly I hurt.

"Nothing." I shrug, but Edward shakes his head. He closes the door behind him and half drags me further into the room, this time taking Jasper's place. And I am the client all over again.

Edward doesn't say anything when he sits down, it's just an intense staring contest between us two. Fifteen seconds in the stare down, I don't recognize the Edward before me. This Edward has eyes as black as a room without light and I go back to the time when I'd first stepped foot into this mansion. When Edward caught me and before I'd blackened out, I looked into those black eyes. But it's not the fact that his eyes are dark, it's the venom behind it that scares me.

"Why do you want to know?" I ask him, not looking directly at him. "And why were you eavesdropping? I thought you knew I'd like some privacy."

"I didn't mean to." He tells me, but not in a calm way. This sets the bomb in me off. I'm not at all that composed since my breakdown. I still have a little in me left that I thought was gone for a second there.

Just yesterday I was at this fair with Edward all smiles and laughs. Now it's all gone. Like it was a once in a lifetime thing.

He realizes the effect his tone has on me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just angry because-"

"Now you know."

"Not everything."

"And you're not going to get the rest. I came to Forks to start fresh and here we are discussing my problems that I thought I'd never have to repeat again. I wish whoever rescued me that night just left me there to die of hypothermia." I want to cry for some unknown reason. It's like PMS but I'm not on it.

"Bella, you can't just take your own life away. God is the beginning and end of human beings." He says and I roll my eyes.

"Thank you Mr. Preacher." I say dramatically. Edward shakes his head and looks away as if he doesn't even want to see my ridiculous face ever again. "So what? You believe there is a God?"

"If I were you." He says quietly.

"If there were a God, he would have answered all my prayers and pulled me out of this mess." But no. I ached for days, weeks and months. I use to pray every morning and night. I always use to go to church every Sundays and even volunteered some weekends. That was, until my biggest downfall. There was no one to help me and often I believed that not even God was by my side.

"Well, everyone has their own beliefs. For example, Carlisle doesn't believe in God and he doesn't believe there is a heaven or hell."

"And what do you believe?"

"I believe you deserved to be saved," his hands are propped on the table and his eyes never leave mine. "I believe that someone will come along and have you smiling all day without even realizing it. I believe that you can overcome this sadness of yours and just live. I believe you'll be okay, Bella."

I don't know what to say except, "I didn't deserve to. I always find no reason for my existence, but no one understood that."

He just shakes his head and I bet he doesn't know what to say. Good. I can't continue sitting here and talking about this. He doesn't even know the whole story and here he is saying I'll be okay just because he believes I'll be.

"And I still don't find any reason. I don't want to thank that person. I wish he or she would have just let me be." I don't know why but I feel like a wave of sadness just came through me. I don't want to feel like this so I get off my chair and grab my scrapbook followed by the guitar by the door. Edward remains seated.

"I couldn't have Bella." I turn around doing a double take. Did he just say… what? He reads my expression and continues on with, "I found you lying there and… and I couldn't just walk away."

I don't know what to say and I sit back down trying to figure out if I'm angry or relieved. Two seconds ago I'd been depressingly stating that I don't want to live and that I should've just been left there at the cliffs and now… now that I know it was Edward who'd brought me to the hospital, I-I don't know.

And I don't know what overcomes me, but I'm getting up from my seat and I literally jump over the table to hug Edward. I don't care that I'm wearing a thin long sleeved shirt and my body is freezing from his touch so I hold on longer and breathe in his amazing natural scent.

"I owe you so much," I whisper in his ear. "Even though I'm such a hypocrite and I said all that stuff about not wanting to be saved, I want to make it up to you. Name anything and it's done. I swear. No backing out."

His chest rises and falls deeply and then he says, "We can't be friends."

That's when I start to squeeze my arms around his shoulder even tighter. We can't be friends? Is he lying? Did I just hear that? Did he just say that? Is that what he wants in return? No friendship? Or does he want to be more than friends?

"More than friends?" I ask him, secretly praying that's what he meant rather than not being friends at all. There's thirty seconds of silence and then he breathes in and out heavily again.

He shakes his head. My heart drops. He pushes away. I'm left to stand on my own. Tears are building. And then, they drop.

"W-what do you mean then?" I'm shaking, I'm stuttering.

"Bella, I'm no good for you." He tells me. It feels like a bad break-up. The whole "it's not you, it's me" kind of deal. I know he's thinking it. I know he doesn't want me to blame myself.

"N-no g-good for m…me?" No, no, no. This can't be happening. What the fuck is going on?

"I'm not someone you should be around Bella. I could hurt you." The way he says it, it's like, he's forced to say it. Like, he doesn't want to but he has to.

"You're hurting me right now," I tell him, tears streaming down my face slowly. "You don't want to hurt me, right? So don't do this." I'm begging. "Please, don't."

"You owe me Bella, remember? You said there's no backing out."

"You're taking this the wrong way Edward. Why the fuck would you want something like this? That's not fair. You can't just be my friend and then stop." Why, why, why, WHY is he doing this?

"You swore." His voice is quiet and I can't help but feel so…so…angry.

"I don't get you! You w-were fine yesterday and the day before that and this morning. Now you're sitting here saying all of this? I don't get it. W-what did I do? I'm sorry I'm s-so emotional and I can't control my feelings. I'm sorry I s-spazzed out on you like that. I didn't mean to. I'm s-s-sorry. I'm sorry for whatever I did. Just p-please don't do this." I'm crying almost as hard as Noir Day.

You don't realize how much you care-how much you need someone until they begin to walk away.

He doesn't respond.

"Edward, there are three things in life that should never be broken: promises, friendships, and hearts." I sniffle and I know I look like a complete idiot begging for him to just be my friend, but I need him. I need him in my life. I realize this now and I know I've known it for a while. "In this case, you're breaking all three."

"Bella you're making this more difficult than it already is." There's no hint of dropping this in his voice. He's not turning back. It's making me even more frustrated.

"Edward I've been running from myself for a while now and when I met you, you gave me a reason to stand still." I'm spilling every ounce of my heart to him in hopes that what I say will change his mind. This feels like a bad breakup even though it's only friendship ending. Still. It hurts losing a boyfriend, but even more when it's a friend. A good friend.

Maybe it doesn't really matter if you wear your heart on your sleeve or if you lock it up in a box away from the world. In the end, everyone gets hurt.

Then I think of last night, when we talked about walking away from each other. "Is that what you meant to say last night? That you're not exactly the kind of person to be around? Why didn't you tell me, huh? Why didn't you save you and me time? If we hadn't gone together, if we had blown that stupid Fall Fair off, we wouldn't have connected like we did and this goodbye or whatever it is wouldn't hurt as much."

He doesn't answer. So I just keep on going because I need this opportunity to rant.

"I meant every word I said Edward," I'm looking at him in hope I can see some change in his expression, but there isn't one hint of a change in mind. "You are my moon because you brighten the darkest part of my day. And fuck Edward! I'm pouring my fucking heart out with the most ridiculous cheesy things but it's the truth. Please give me some credit. Please say something. Please."

"Fine," I get up and pick up my things trying my hardest to fight the side of me wanting to stay and continue begging. "See you around."

And with that, I calmly walk out of the room, seeing that none of the Cullen's are home. I step outside under the gray sky searching for my truck. Then I realize I was driven here and nature decides to reflect my emotions when the rain starts to pour. Talk about pathetic fallacy. I don't even have an umbrella or a hood to protect me. I've got me, my book, my guitar and my hopelessness.

No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. Even the people you least expect to. That someone will take all that you are and rip it into pieces and they won't even watch where the pieces land. They'll walk away, expecting you to gather yourself and move on. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong. And no matter how badly they destroy you, you can conquer anyone over time.

It just takes patience and patience is what I really need right now. I need it to hold myself together and not lose hope. I have to start believing that it'll all get better in time.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm not naive. I know what it feels like to be utterly broken, and I am all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. I know what it's like to see or hear something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been deliberately disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not diminished. To be honest, I hope it never does. Ever.

So Bella's just really confused and I'm sure you all know why Edward's suddenly saying they can't be friends.
Hope you guys liked the update. Another chap is soon to come maybe with Edwards' POV if the coauthors available.
Let me know what you guys think!