So here's chapter 20. I hope you like it.

Thanks to Irebporti!

Chapter 20 – Break you, break me

BPOV

I had talked to the doctor and chosen my treatment. He didn't fully agree with me but I didn't want an invasive treatment. At least not for now.

I was well aware I would have to do it if I started to show any symptoms but while that didn't happen I would try to act normally.

I would go on with my life. No one had to know about it until it was absolutely necessary. I wouldn't make any changes for now. I would keep everything as it was.

Well, almost everything…

I had made my mind up when it came to Edward. There was no turning back now.

I knew I was doing the right thing. I couldn't keep Edward tied up to me, we just couldn't be together anymore.

I kept repeating those words over and over in my mind trying to get myself to, at least once in my life, be brave enough to do what I had to do.

I tried to work for a while but gave up on that shortly. I couldn't concentrate long enough to write anything that could be used. I would have to spend some serious hours in front of the computer, writing my reviews soon enough or I was going to get fired.

I guess I was about to have a lot of free time in my hands after today. I probably just wouldn't want to do anything…

It was almost funny how I knew exactly what I was about to do and what it meant to me. I knew it would break me but I was still invested in doing it.

It was the right thing to do, I had to remember that!

I spent the day pacing around the apartment, trying to decide if I should pack my things or not and trying to prepare myself to when Edward got home.

I ended up not packing any of my things since, for some reason, I couldn't get myself to do it just yet.

And when Edward came into the house after 7pm, I realized that I was not completely ready for it either.

I didn't walk to the door when I heard him open it. I just remained frozen in the living room, looking down at my shaking hands.

"Love?" His voice made a shiver run down my body and I suddenly wanted to cry.

Why did he always have to greet me like that?

I had to be strong. I couldn't cry, so I took a deep breath in order to control myself as he came into the living room and smiled at me.

He looked so breathtakingly perfect, with his crooked smile and tousled hair that I almost lost all my courage right there and then when I saw him.

When he – in a more than familiar gesture – took a step towards me though, I found myself taking a step back. A confused expression crossed his face.

It was now or never.

"Don't call me that." My voice sounded somewhat strange to me but I didn't allow myself to think about it.

"Don't call you what? Love?"

"Yes."

"Why? I always call you that…" He sounded worried and confused, maybe even a little lost…

"I know. I want you to stop doing it because I don't want to hear it anymore. I can't handle it!"

"What's wrong, Bella?" I took a deep breath, without ever taking my eyes from my hands clasped in front of me.

"What's wrong is that I came to the conclusion that I don't want to do this anymore."

"This what?"

"You and me…." He stood quiet for a second and I had to fight against the urge to look at him and see what emotion was playing there in his eyes.

When he did speak, his words made my whole body shake.

"Are you seeing someone else?" I looked up at him for a second before turning my attention back to my hands.

He seemed calm but I knew that was just a façade.

"Of course not, Edward! You know I wouldn't do that to you. Why would you even think that?" I could never be with anyone else. I could never even look at anyone else when I loved him so much.

"Because it seems to me you are trying to tell me something about our relationship and…." His voice broke as he trailed off and I knew that meant he knew what I was doing.

He knew I was breaking up with him…

"Edward, I'm not seeing anyone else." From the corner of my eye I could see him nod.

"Then what?"

"I think we need to end things, Edward. In the long run it's probably for the best." Even I didn't believe that.

My answer made his calm façade come crumpling down. He took a step towards me but then walked back to his place again.

"You think?" My hands began to shake even more as I tried to nod. "The best to whom? That doesn't make any sense, Bella! If you're not seeing anyone else why are you doing this?"

I knew this wouldn't be easily but the tone of his voice made me want to run towards him and just wrap my arms around him. He sounded even more lost than before…

I had to remind myself why I was doing this. Why giving up on him was the right thing to do.

"I just can't…" I closed my eyes in an attempt to stop the traitor tears that were slowly forming in my eyes from falling down.

When I opened them, I saw him ran his hands through his hair before stopping to take a deep breath.

"I don't understand. What are you saying to me, Bella?" I kept trying not to look at him, trying to avoid him. "Damn it, look at me Bella!"

I gathered all my courage and lifted my eyes from my hands and looked up at him, trying desperately not to cry.

"I just…" I took a deep breath getting ready. "I can't keep doing this, it's too much! I don't want to be with you any longer."

Confusion. Anger. Understanding. Disappointment. Sadness. It all flicked through his eyes.

"I don't love you anymore Edward. I can't keep pretending." He stood completely still for several minutes, just looking at me, before whispering.

I almost couldn't hear him.

"You don't mean that."

"I do." My voice was almost a whisper as well. I had just told him I didn't love him. I had just said those words…

He ran his hands through his hair again and shook his head.

"Okay, Bella. What or who exactly is making you do this?" He was going to push me. He was going to make me say it again.

"I told you there is no one else, Edward!" Why couldn't he at least believe that? "I told you, I'm doing this because it's for the best."

"And I don't believe that! Something else is happening here. Tell me what it is, Bella." Knowing there was no other way of convincing him, I threw my hands up in the air in despair and sighed.

Why was he making it so difficult for me? Why did we have to fight?

"Why do you have to make this all that much harder, Edward?" He laughed humorlessly.

"Did you seriously expect me to take this lying down? Because if that was it, you don't know me as well as I thought you did." I took a deep breath and looked straight at him.

My expression was cold. It had to be.

"Maybe, I don't but if that's true you don't know me either so stop that! Stop that!" I was well aware I was almost screaming but I didn't care. I had to make him understand. "Why can't you accept the fact that I don't want you anymore? That I don't love you? Would you rather I kept lying to you. Do you want me to pretend?"

My words finally hit him. I could clearly see the pain in his eyes.

This was it, he was giving up. He wouldn't push me anymore.

"No, I wouldn't want that. I would never want that." I nodded at him, waiting for his reaction.

He stood looking at me, searching but not finding what he wanted. I wouldn't let him find it. He nodded and took several steps back, walking to the door and slamming it behind him.

EPOV

I left the apartment without looking back. I couldn't stand being there any longer. I couldn't look at Bella knowing she no longer wanted me, knowing she didn't love me.

I got into my car and speed down the street until I was far away. I wanted to scream and fight but I couldn't. I was only able to sit still while tears rolled down my face.

Bella didn't love me… Her words kept echoing in my head over and over again. I tried searching her eyes for something that I could hold on to. Something that told me she still wanted me but found nothing. She was telling the truth. She didn't love me.

I felt like I was being stabbed deep in my chest every time I thought that.

How long has it been since she stopped loving me? For how long was she pretending? When exactly did the moments we spent together become a lie?

I analyzed every single thing we did together in the last few months, trying to find the signals she might have been sending me; trying to determinate the moment when her attitude towards me had changed.

I couldn't tell when it had been, though. She always seemed perfectly happy when we were together. How could I have been so blind?

How could I have taken her for granted and ignored the fact that her feelings towards me had changed? How could I have lost her?

I stood in my car, stopped at a desert and unknown road for hours until it got dark and I was able to make my body stop shaking from the pain. I wiped the traces of tears from my face and started the car.

It was almost 2 am. I had stood in that place for almost 5 hours, watching as my world came crumbling down around me.

I had never felt so lost and desperate or broken in my life before. I didn't know what to do or say. I only knew where to go…

--

It was 2:45 when I knocked on Emmett's door. I probably shouldn't be doing it but he wouldn't mind and I had nowhere else to go.

He opened the door when I was about to knock for the third time and immediately raised an eyebrow at me.

"What happened?"

"Can I come in?"

"Of course." I stepped in and took off my coat, throwing it to the side. Emmett stood looking at me with a worried expression on his face.

"What happened, Edward? You look terrible!"

"Well, then the way I look portrays the way I feel perfectly." Or maybe not that perfectly. I felt like I had literally been in hell.

"Where's Bella, Edward? She is fine, isn't she?"

"I believe she is."

"Okay, Edward you're starting to scare me. What's up?" I shook my head and looked at him before turning my attention to the nearer wall. I couldn't say it while looking straight at him. It made it seem more real.

"Bella broke up with me."

"What?" His loud voice echoed through the whole apartment.

I shook my head once again and went to sit down on the couch. I ran my hands trough my hair before burying my face in them.

Everything still seemed so unreal… What was I going to do without Bella in my life? How was I going to make it through?

"Why? Why would she do that?"

"Because she doesn't love me anymore." The words burnt my throat and made my heart ache even more.

"That's impossible! Bella is as crazy about you as you are about her. She loves you, Edward! Everyone can see that."

"No, she doesn't." I could feel those damn tears forming in my eyes again.

I hadn't cried since I was seven and broke my leg…

I leaned back in the couch and closed them in an attempt to stop that new wave of emotion from hitting me.

"No, that's not possible." I could hear Emmett moving around and when I opened my eyes I could see him standing in front of me. Worry had been replaced by disbelief in his face.

"It is. She told me so herself."

"But you guys were so happy. That much was evident to everyone who saw you two together."

"I thought that too but apparently I was wrong." Emmett shook his head repeatedly.

"No. She had to be lying." How I wished that was true.

"She wasn't. She was looking straight at me when she said it. She was telling the truth. Why would she lie?"

"I don't know! I'm sure she had some insane reason! You have to be wrong." I shook my head and said nothing. "Edward, it's Bella we're talking about here!"

I knew that perfectly well. I also knew what I had heard from her. I couldn't keep fooling myself. Pretending would only make it worse right now.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore Emmett." Emmett shook his head and walked out of the living room only to come back soon after with a drink in his hand.

"Here. Maybe you should drink something." He handed me the drink but I set it aside. I didn't think I could drink or eat anything right now.

Emmett sat down in a chair in front of me as I got up and started to walk around. Being still was starting to drive me even crazier.

"How do you feel?" I kept moving around as I tried to ignore his question. How did I feel? Lost, broken, angry, sad…

"Edward…" I stopped near the entrance door and ran my fingers through my hair.

"I'm mad at myself, that's what I feel!" How could I not see she wasn't happy? "I feel lost and broken, Emmett. I don't know what to do!" Emmett said nothing as I kept talking.

"I keep thinking about everything we did lately and thinking if she still loved me then. I keep wondering for how long she has been lying. Did she love me when we did this or when we did that? Or was she already completely disconnected from me?"

"You have to stop that, Edward."

"I wish I could."

"Go talk to Bella. I'm sure there's something wrong with this story." I looked at him and took a deep breath. I couldn't do that.

I wasn't strong enough to hear her say she didn't love me once again. I wouldn't be able to stand in front of her as she broke my heart again.

I started to walk towards the guest's bathroom with the intent of taking a shower. Maybe it would help me think.

Truthfully, I wanted to get away from this conversation with Emmett. He seemed to think Bella was lying but I was looking into her eyes when she told me she didn't want me. She couldn't be lying, could she? No, she was never a good liar…

"I'm going to take a shower, Emmett. I left some clothes here somewhere, right?" He said nothing as I walked out of sight.

I let the water hit my body in an attempt to make me relax. It didn't help too much, though.

I couldn't block out the thoughts that invaded my mind or the waves of emotions that kept hitting me. Bella's face kept plaguing me every time I closed my eyes.

I needed to get away from it all. I needed to hide away and forget everything, erase every single memory. I knew it was impossible to forget but I could at least try.

I could go somewhere and be alone. I wouldn't be a good company for a long time.

I stood in the shower until after the water turned cold. When I got out, Emmett was nowhere to be found.

BPOV

I cried myself to exhaustion after Edward left. I couldn't help the tears from falling down my face as I sat on the couch with my arms around my legs and my head resting on my knees.

I felt like I had just ripped my own heart out. I felt empty.

I kept seeing Edward's beautiful face contorted with pain and sadness as I told him the most horrible of lies.

How was I able to stand in front of him and tell him I didn't want him when every cell in my body, every single part of my being craved to be in his arms? How was I able to tell him I didn't love him when I could never love anyone as much I love him?

He believed me… I, somehow, gained the courage to look into his eyes and he believed me. I succeeded on pushing him away….

Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. I was breaking up with him because it was the best for him. He deserved better. He deserved an amazing and extraordinary life and I couldn't give him that when I didn't know what was going to happen with me.

If I knew all that, then why did it still hurt so much? I shook my head and slowly got up.

I was doing the right thing. Edward would be alright and he would find a way of being happy. I knew he would. He had too…

It didn't matter if I suffered or if I wasn't able to fully get past this. If Edward was happy, I would be happy too.

I went to the bathroom and took a long shower, trying to keep any thought from entering my mind. I wasn't successful.

I kept thinking I wouldn't have Edward sleeping next to me again. He would never play piano for me again or cuddle with me in the couch while we watched TV. I was alone from now on.

After the shower I got back to the living room and lay down on the couch. I flipped through the TV channels not really paying attention to anything until I heard a knock on the door.

Seeing anyone was the last thing I needed but when the person knocked again I decided to go see who it was.

I slowly got up from the couch and opened the door. Emmett was standing in the hallway, looking intensely at me He was studying me.

There was a mixture of worry, surprise, disbelief and even irritation in his eyes.

I knew he truly liked me. He saw me as his little sis, as he called me, but Edward was his brother. That was more important than any relationship Emmett had with me.

I said nothing as I looked at him. He was the first one to speak.

"Well, at least you look as bad as he does." I turned around and walked back to the couch where I sat down again.

"What do you want, Emmett?"

"What do you think? I want to know what the hell is going on." I kept my eyes on the TV, not wanting to look directly at him as he closed the door and came in.

"Nothing is going on, Emmett."

"Nothing is going on?" I simply nodded. "Edward gets to my apartment looking like he just had the worst day of his life, which is probably true, and saying that you broke up with him out of the blue and you say nothing is going on?" I nodded again, keeping my attention away from him.

It hurt me to see him here, fighting with me because I hurt his brother. It made me realize I truly had broken Edward.

I had wished he didn't love me as much as I knew he did. It would be so much easier if I was the only one suffering…

"I don't want to talk about it, Emmett." A tear began to roll down my face but I quickly wiped it away.

"I don't understand, Bella! Why did you break up with him?" Emmett sat down on the coffee table in front of me.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before speaking.

"Because I don't love him anymore."

"I don't believe it." I opened my eyes to look at him. He no longer seemed angry at me.

"It's the truth."

"No, it's not. If it was you wouldn't be looking like you just cried the whole evening. You wouldn't be looking so broken." Tears started to roll down my face again and this time I wasn't able to stop them.

"You're lying, Bella. I know you are. Edward can't see it because he's too involved in it but I can. I know you're crazy about him, there's no way that goes away that easily."

"Emmett please, don't make me talk about it anymore. I'm too tired. I have no strength left to go through this again." He tried to clean away some of my tears and came to sit beside me so he could run a hand up and down my back.

"Everything seemed perfect between you two. Why are you doing this now?" I shook my head and bit my lower lip in an attempt to stop me from sobbing.

"I don't want to talk about this with you, Emmet. I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to lose you too. You're friendship is important for me." I looked straight at him. "I already lost Edward today, I can't fight anymore…"

"You didn't lose Edward, you pushed him away. All you have to do is tell him the truth and he'll be back here with you as soon as humanly possible. You know that." I said nothing as I closed my eyes and buried my face in his shoulder. He let me cry as much as I needed, without saying anything.

When I was able to control myself he made me look at him.

"I'll find out why you're doing this Bella. I'm sure you have some crazy reason for pushing the man you love away…"

"Let it be, Emmett." He nodded and smiled a little.

"For now." Emmett stayed with me until I feel asleep in the early morning. I struggled with the pain and the guilt I felt.

I had broken both Edward and I today and that was something I couldn't deal it. At least not now, probably never…

I woke up soon after I feel asleep and stood in my bed looking outside trough the window.

I could see my reflection on the mirror, which was standing in the bathroom. I looked sad and mostly hollow. My imaged reflected the way I felt perfectly.

I had to get use to this feeling of being empty. That was how my life from now on, my life without Edward, would be…

I promise we'll find out what's up with Bellain future chapters!

Should I really hide now? :P