AN: Jesse's first day of school! Oh, and I never wrote anything about the "easy ass Amanda" tidbit from "No Good Reason" and I wanted to. So, there's a 20 year flashback in here. Maybe it'll foreshadow something. Maybe it won't. Who knows! This story is an on-fire garbage can of Rollisi sooo just go with it.
they say I'm too loud for this town / so I lit a match and burned it down
"You swear you haven't heard from her?" Amanda asked her father on the phone as she climbed the stairs to Kim's TriBeCa apartment.
"No, I wouldn't keep that from you, darlin'," Pete Rollins insisted.
She rolled her eyes; she wished she could believe him. "Okay..." She stuck her hand in her pocket and fished out Kim's key. "I'm lettin' myself in."
"Alright. Maybe she's in there," Pete said hopefully.
She didn't bother knocking. Bracing herself, Amanda unlocked the door, swung it open and looked around. Instead of finding her sister's place in its usual state of disarray, she saw nothing: no furniture, no dishes, no clothing, no Kim. The apartment was as empty as it had been the day her sister had moved into it. Mouth hanging open, Amanda ran frantically from room to room to find all of them dusty and barren. Her heart began to beat rapidly in her chest, remembering how Kim had left her own apartment in the exact same state years ago. It was not a good sign.
"Mandy? Are you still there?" Pete asked anxiously.
Amanda momentarily forgot that she was holding her phone to her ear, her father waiting on the other end of it. "I... yeah, I'm here," she managed. "She's gone. Everything is gone."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean she cleaned the place out, daddy. It's empty."
"What?! That can't be. I bought her all that stuff, it meant a lot to her. I know that she wouldn't do that."
Suddenly, she was furious. Her father had only been back in their lives for a year but was acting as if he knew his youngest daughter - when in reality, he had missed all of the events that made Kim, Kim. He had skipped over the hard stuff and made his grand reappearance as a mere bystander. "You don't know Kim, dad. I know you think you do, but you've only had a relationship with her for a year," Amanda told him irritably. "She took advantage of you."
After a long pause, he asked meekly, "but, I... where would she go?"
"I don't know, but there's a warrant out for her arrest so if she contacts you, you have to tell me."
"You're gonna turn her in?"
"Yeah."
"Mandy-"
"Her bein' paroled was a mistake," she interrupted him curtly. "She's doing drugs, she's probably not taking her meds... somebody needs to contain her. I need you to promise me you'll tell me if she calls."
"Alright," Pete resigned. "I will."
On a sunny September morning, Amanda savored her latte in the kitchen. Four months pregnant, that was all the caffeine she was allotted in one day, which was a stark contrast to her usual three cups of coffee. It was better than nothing, though, so she tried to make it last more than five minutes. Constantly energized without requiring a stimulant, Luca ran around the kitchen and living room, a push-and-pull wooden giraffe on wheels trailing behind him. Amanda made the mistake of taking her eyes off of him for one minute to read something in the newspaper, and when she looked up again, she saw him attempting to scale the stairs.
"Hey, Luca, no. No stairs," she called sternly.
Luca stopped, turned around and looked at her with big, blue eyes. "Up! Jethee!" He had trouble pronouncing the 's' in his sister's name.
"Jesse will be downstairs soon," she promised him. "Come have some Cheerios."
He scowled and plopped down defiantly on the bottom step. "No."
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll eat them," she told her son cheerfully, plucking cereal from the tray of his high chair and popping them into her mouth.
Sonny came pounding down the stairs, narrowly dodging the new obstacle at the end of them. "Whoa! Watch out, big guy," he warned Luca as he moved around him. Sonny held his prized Canon up for Amanda to see. "Camera's all set."
Jesse came skipping down the stairs next, brandishing a comb. "Mama, I have the brush," she announced when she reached the kitchen. Her brother toddled after her, abandoning his giraffe in the process. Dressed in a blue chambray skirt, a pink top and brown boots, Jesse was almost ready for her first day of kindergarten. Her light brown hair was still unsurprisingly unruly, which was why Amanda had instructed her to come downstairs with a comb.
"Look at you, you're gonna be the prettiest girl in kindergarten," Sonny remarked, pulling open the refrigerator.
"Mhm," the five-year-old agreed confidently as she climbed atop a bar stool at the island.
Amanda stood behind her and went to work taming her hair. She picked up the barrette Jesse had brought with her in order to clip half of it up and back, away from her face. "Are you excited?"
Jesse nodded. "Uh huh."
"What d'ya think you're gonna learn?" she asked her daughter.
"School stuff. Recess. I have to bring lunch in my backpack," Jesse rambled.
"You got it." Sonny held up her Frozen lunch box then peered inside, checking its contents. "Peanut butter and fluff on white bread, no crust, an apple cranberry juice box and a cheese stick."
"No dessert?" Jesse frowned.
He made a show of appearing confused. "I didn't think big girls needed dessert anymore..."
"I do!" she insisted.
"Ah, okay," he resigned with a sly grin. "How about some Oreos?"
"Yes, please," Jesse agreed sweetly.
While Sonny completed Jesse's lunch, Amanda wrangled Luca into his jacket and stroller. Once the little girl had her backpack on and had said goodbye to both Frannie and Fluffy, they all headed out the door. Jesse held Sonny's hand as they walked beside Amanda, who pushed Luca along.
"Are you gonna pick me up?" Jesse asked them both curiously.
"Audrey will," Amanda replied.
"Why not you?" she moaned dramatically.
Amanda sighed. "'Cause we have to go to work."
"But it'll be night time," Jesse challenged.
"I know, baby. But we had to go in in the afternoon instead, so we could be here with you this morning." she explained. "But I promise I'll call you and you can tell me all about your day."
"Okay," she pouted.
Elm Tree Elementary school was a walkable distance from their house. Sonny had begged to send Jesse to Catholic school instead, but unsurprisingly, Amanda had refused. I'm not gonna put my kid in a cult before she is old enough to choose for herself, she had told him brashly. When he had worn her down enough to get her to at least research places, once they both saw that tuition cost ten thousand dollars a year for a parochial education, the issue died on the vine.
Once they reached the school, Amanda started to get nervous, but Jesse seemed fine. Pausing on the sidewalk, Sonny instructed Jesse to stand in front of the school's sign for a picture. The five-year-old loved having her photo taken, so she eagerly struck a pose and grinned widely as the camera clicked.
"Now one with your mother," Sonny said, waving Amanda over.
Moving away from the stroller, Amanda crouched by Jesse's side so she was about her daughter's height. Wrapping their arms around one another, they both grinned obediently.
"Ah, perfect. What a coupla beauties," he observed approvingly.
The next ten minutes were spent trading places with each other for different photo combinations. Once every option was exhausted, they all made their way inside the quaint building. As Amanda had been instructed, they entered the main office for guidance. Just as she was pulling paperwork out of Jesse's backpack, a young brunette appeared to greet them.
"Hi, I'm Jenny!" the woman said cheerfully. She looked between Amanda and Sonny, then down at Jesse. "Who do we have here?"
"This is Jesse," Amanda told her. "She's here for her first day of kindergarten. Miss Lucy's class."
"Jesse! It's so nice to meet you," Jenny grinned.
"Hi. That's my brother, Luca. He's still a baby so he can't go to school. Just me," Jesse explained proudly, gesturing to Luca in his stroller.
"Oh, no, of course not. Not till he's big like you." Jenny made a show of nodding seriously in agreement. "Y'want me to show you to your classroom?"
"Yes, please," Jesse said.
"Okay! Why don't you say 'bye to your mom and dad and I'll drop off this paper work. Then I'll come back and get you in a second," Jenny suggested as she took the forms from Amanda's forms and disappeared into another office.
Amanda crouched down in front of Jesse, Sonny doing the same at her side. "Okay, baby. Have a great day," she told her daughter, anxiously straightening her pink top over the waist of her skirt. "No yelling, no hitting. Remember to listen."
"Yes, mama," Jesse replied obediently.
"What do I always tell you? 'Do unto others...'" Sonny prompted her.
Jesse scrunched her nose, remembering. "'...as you would have... them do to you.'"
He nodded. "Right."
"I love you so much," Amanda croaked. She had promised herself that she wasn't going to cry - at least not in front of Jesse. "I'm gonna call you when you're done, okay?"
"Okay." Jesse leaned in and gave her mother a hug. Amanda squeezed her close. "Love you, mama."
"You're gonna do great," Sonny insisted confidently. "Love you, Jess."
"Love you, too," Jesse told him when she moved to give him a hug next.
When Jenny reappeared, she took Jesse's hand, the little girl now fidgeting with excitement. She wriggled her free fingers in a wave as they began to walk away. "Bye, mama! Bye, daddy!" she called.
"Bye!" they replied in unison.
Amanda thought that Jesse would at least cast a timid glance over her shoulder for reassurance as she headed down the unfamiliar hallway to her new classroom. She didn't, though - she just skipped along side Jenny like they had known each other for years. Amanda felt tears begin to well up in her eyes at how easily her daughter had transitioned from toddler to elementary school student. Wasn't it just yesterday that Jesse was drooling against her shoulder with a belly full of milk, the top of her fuzzy little head warm against Amanda's cheek?
"Aw, 'Manda, it's alright," Sonny chuckled quietly, putting an arm around her shoulder.
"I know, I know," she squeaked, voice catching with emotion. "It's just... she used to be so small."
He squeezed her. "But hey, look! You kept her alive for five whole years."
Amanda grinned with a sudden realization: "we did."
"Hey, baby, how'd it go?" Amanda asked Jesse from her desk in the squad room, the little girl's face displayed on the screen of her laptop.
"Hi, mama!" Jesse wiggled around in her seat; she was at the kitchen island. She shoved a handful of Goldfish crackers into her mouth and said thickly, "I had a good day."
Fin came up behind Amanda and crouched down to wave at Jesse. "Hey, little J."
"Hi, Fin. Where's daddy?" Jesse asked curiously.
"He's the only one doin' work," Fin remarked with a smirk. "You get all A's today?"
"No, I don't know what that is!" she snorted, then widened her brown eyes. "I got a gold star for being a helper."
"That's awesome!" Amanda told her. "Did you make any friends?"
"Everyone is my friend," her daughter said easily.
"You got a boyfriend?" Fin wondered.
"No!" she squealed, like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. "Dad says I can't have a boyfriend till I'm thirty."
"Sounds about right," Fin muttered.
"When are you comin' home?" Jesse asked Amanda.
"Late," she frowned. "You'll be asleep."
"Will you say g'night?"
"Of course."
"Hey, slugger, don't forget: I'm comin' to your T-ball game this weekend," Fin added.
"Yeah!" Jesse exclaimed.
Amanda glanced at her watch. "Alright, baby, go finish your snack," she instructed her daughter. "I gotta get back to work."
"Will you tell daddy to call me?" she whined. "Don't tell him about my star. I wanna."
She nodded. "You got it," she promised.
April, twenty years earlier.
Amanda drove her decrepit red Mazda to the empty Loganville High School parking lot. Saturday morning track practice was always painful, but it was especially awful hungover. Though she was dizzy and nauseous, it wasn't the physical consequences of her Friday night that bothered the seventeen-year-old the most - it was the hazy fog that interrupted her recollection of the entire evening. With the ignition off, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, trying to remember exactly what had happened in the hours prior.
Jason Prescott had a house party. She couldn't believe that he had invited her; she had had a crush on him for months. Jason was the prize of Loganville High: tall, handsome and athletic. As the Red Devils' precious football captain and the class president, he was the human embodiment of an after-school special. He charmed his peers and teachers alike; he had a smile that spread honey-slow and lopsided whenever he spoke. When Jason paid her any attention, it made Amanda feel like she was the only person on the planet that mattered. Of course, he always had girlfriends who oozed the kind of sex appeal no high school kid should possess: hour-glass figures, pouty lips and big, promising eyes. Amanda was pretty but she had sharp edges, features that could be cold and guarded. Her life had not been easy and it was written on her face.
Two months ago, she had been enough for Jason's best friend, Taylor. He was cute, too, but everybody knew his real appeal was attributed to his proximity to Jason. Or, at least that's why Amanda had gravitated toward him one night. Hungry for the attention she never got at home, she had hovered around Taylor at a party after the winter dance. It didn't take much: a few wine coolers and slurred sweet words and she found herself in the back seat of his parents' Buick. She barely remembered the interaction now, except for how fleeting the sense of validation had been. Once it was over, Amanda felt hollow and used. Much to her relief, they never spoke of it again, although it sometimes stung how easily Taylor looked right past her in the hallway each day at school.
Pulling in a deep breath, Amanda hauled herself out of her car and made her way over to the track that encircled the football field. Her inner thighs ached as she walked. Closing her eyes again, the temporary darkness was quickly flooded with a flash of bare skin, a room filled with gleaming athletic trophies, a distinct crooked smile. Her nostrils were suddenly filled with the smell of cheap beer and bad cologne and that's how she knew - she had slept with Jason Prescott last night. Eyes flying open, her heart began to race in her chest; she could feel her feet continuing to carry her toward the rest of her track team, but her mind was very far away. How had it happened? How had she gotten home? Had Jason called her that morning and her mother was simply too flaky to give her the message? Amanda's heart leapt at the idea of the most popular guy at Loganville High being genuinely interested in her. It was still possible, if only she could talk to him...
"Rollins, nice of you to join us," Coach Lesley barked at her sarcastically.
"Sorry, I... my car. Car trouble," Amanda mumbled lamely, dropping her gym bag on the grass and avoiding the stern woman's gaze.
"Uh huh," Lesley grumbled with obvious skepticism. "I want y'all to give me ten laps as a warm-up. Now!"
Amanda tied her hair up into a ponytail before joining the other girls on the track. As they began to run, her good friend, Grace, kept pace beside her.
"How was it, Mandy?" Grace asked excitedly.
"It was... it was fun," Amanda replied tentatively, eyes focused straight ahead. Moving her legs felt surprisingly good; the cool morning air in her lungs was refreshing. "You shoulda come."
"I had to babysit, I couldn't get out of it," she groaned. "Did you talk to Jason at all?"
"Uh, well-"
"There she is!" a familiar male voice hollered in the distance.
It was loud enough to get her attention. Amanda looked over at the bleachers: Jason, Taylor and another boy she didn't know were watching them all from above. Jason was pointing to the team as they ran by.
"Easy ass Amanda!" Jason whooped, wearing a lecherous smile.
"Oh, yeah! I heard if you liquor her up real good, she'll do anything you want!" Taylor added boldly.
"What the hell are they talkin' about?" Grace sputtered, sounding outraged and confused.
"Hey, Amanda! How about a threesome, huh?" another voice in the stands chimed in provocatively.
All of the girls on her team began casting looks over their shoulders: first at the boys, then at Amanda. Next came their rumbles of laughter and not-so-subtle whispers as they all exchanged amused glances; this was high school entertainment at its finest. Amanda felt her heart jump into her throat, sweat forming along her hairline not from exertion but from red-hot embarrassment. Whatever brief fantasy she had entertained about Jason being interested in her disappeared, now replaced by a heavy, sinking feeling of shame. Soon everybody would know what she had done - even if she barely remembered it. She tried to keep running, tried to pretend she was unaffected by their taunting, but it was all so loud in her ears. Distracted by her growing panic, Amanda collided into Sarah, the girl in front of her.
"Hey, watch it, Easy Ass!" Sarah snapped before erupting into giggles.
Mouth too dry to apologize, Amanda stumbled but managed to separate herself from the rest of the team. Alone on the grass, she watched them effortlessly continue their run. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly as she looked up into the bleachers; all three boys waved before bursting into laughter. Amanda felt her stomach turn, a combination of humiliation and her hang over. Easy ass Amanda. That name would undoubtedly stick; it would probably even get back to her mother. The label would follow Amanda everywhere. Nobody would remember her for her good grades or her athletic ability, just her pathetic, sloppy attempts at feeling special.
"Rollins!" Coach Lesley shouted, jogging over to her. "Get back on the track! What's wrong with you?"
Amanda shrugged her thin shoulders and swallowed thickly. "I... got a cramp."
Lesley looked at her, then glanced up at the bleachers, to the three guys still leering. "You better watch how you conduct yourself outside of school," she advised quietly, cold judgement in her tone. "You're gonna end up makin' a name for yourself."
Cheeks burning, Amanda cast her eyes downward and nodded obediently. Too late.
Four months later...
"Are you sure you wanna do this, Mandy?" Grace hiccuped.
"I'm sure," Amanda insisted, clutching a blue water bottle filled with whiskey as she and her best friend walked down Main Street at midnight. The liquor was almost gone by now; they had stolen it from her mother hours earlier.
"It's gonna hurt!" Grace squeaked.
Amanda rolled her eyes and reminded her mischievously, "that's why we're drinkin'."
"I dunno..." she sing-songed as she traipsed along the sidewalk.
"C'mon! It's my birthday!" Amanda whined, knocking her shoulder against Grace's. "It's all I want."
"Alright, alright. We're here already anyhow," she sighed. "No turnin' back now."
The sign for the Compass Rose Tattoo shop buzzed in pink neon before them. There was a chubby Bassett hound tied up out front, lazing on it stomach, its long ears spread out on the pavement. The dog only watched them as Amanda pulled open the front door, a bell jingling to signal their arrival. Inside, the small studio was bathed in bright fluorescent light. The only two people were presumably the artists, two burly and heavily-tattooed men who both had their feet propped up on the messy front desk.
"Can we help you?" one of them asked, barely looking up from the car magazine he was reading.
"Hi. I'm here for a tattoo," Amanda said. "My friend, too."
Both men appeared skeptical. "How old are you, darlin'?"
She pulled her license from the back pocket of her jeans and held it up. "I'm eighteen. Today's my birthday," she told them proudly.
"And you?" one of the men asked Grace.
"I'm eighteen, too," she drawled, her I.D. in her hand.
The men exchanged glances. "You got cash?"
Amanda dug around in her other pocket and tugged out a wad of crumpled bills - fifty dollars that she had saved over the course of nine months. She set it down on the desk.
"You know what you want?" he asked.
"Yeah. I want my name in pretty writing. You know, fancy. Cursive. In white ink." Amanda held out her left arm and pointed to the inside of it. "Right here."
"White?" he repeated.
"So my mama doesn't see it easy," she explained. "But I'll know it's there."
He looked at Grace. "How 'bout you?"
"I wanna flower on my ankle," Grace told him sweetly.
Standing up, he handed each of them a heavy binder of lettering and designs. "I'm Rodney," he introduced himself. He motioned to the other man. "This here is Jake. Pick out what y'all want and we'll take care of you."
Grinning, Amanda exchanged excited glances with her friend. For ten minutes, they tittered over their options, Amanda finally settling on a thin, elegant script and Grace choosing a dainty daisy. They paid, then Jake took Grace to one station and Rodney took Amanda to another. The two girls giggled at each other from opposite sides of the room.
Sitting in a big leather chair, she set her elbow on wide surface of the arm, pale forearm facing upward. She watched as Rodney prepared the area with a cool swipe of an alcohol pad, then set the stencil against her skin. When he pulled the transfer paper away, her name stood out in blue-black ink. With Amanda's nod of approval, he started up the tattoo gun. Her heart began to quicken in her chest, drunk off of the alcohol in her veins and the thrill of making such a permanent decision. She smiled down at the script. This is who I am, she thought victoriously. I'm never gonna forget it again.
"This is gonna sting," Rodney warned her over the buzz of the device in his hand, hovering the needle just barely over her arm.
"That's okay." Amanda's icy blue eyes narrowed. "I'm not scared."