Epilogue:
Elena's POV
Stefan died at the age of 27, two months after I have given birth to another beautiful baby boy we called Peter. I suggested that we choose this name and Stefan's eyes got teary after I came up with the idea. He nodded eagerly, being very happy about it, even though by this time he wasn't feeling right again.
Somewhere after my pregnancy began, he started getting worse again. He had his good days but he mostly had to stay at home and I could feel him being very hopeless. This time it was different from all the previous. He tried not to drive attention to him, because he wanted me and the child to be taken care of. Even though we both were having a rough time, we continued giving all our love to Grayson as well- Stefan looked after him most of the times and when he couldn't, when he was sick in his bed, unable to move and I had to take care for him, Damon came to the house and helped me. I was really scared and kept living in denial about how bad he really was until the day he passed away. I was clinging to hope that in the last moment he will be just fine, especially after Peter was finally born. I've never seen Stefan more happy. He was over the moon. He stood by me in the hospital, with his brother's help of course, and he waited there, awake, all those hours while I was in labor.
I had such a hard time letting him go and even though he tried preparing me for it, since he obviously felt it as well, I denied it in every way and so he just let a big sigh out and told me he loved me. That was it. He didn't push me in any way, he only wanted us to talk and to spend as much time as he could with the kids. I made them a dozen photos during that period even though he was very much against it, because he said he looked awful.
Damon often took James and Alex home and that made Stefan feel better. The kids adored him, though I think James could figure out that something wasn't right and he often got very sad once they had to leave. My heart broke just by watching them, because I was realizing what was happening, I just decided to ignore it.
Stefan often wrote in his journal in that last year and he deliberately told me where he has put it a little before he died. He wanted me to read it.
When he passed away in that beautiful June morning I didn't want to believe it. I was completely ruined. Damon barely make me calm down, even though he himself was falling apart in the middle of the hospital hallway. The love of my life was gone.
I couldn't really let it sink in the beginning. It was as if the world has come to an end. And then I made the realization that it actually has. I was dead again-just like after my parents passed away. I didn't want to bury him, to watch his body being pulled down in the grow. I didn't want to dress in black and put flowers on the big pile of dirt above his beautiful young body. I didn't want to see Damon cry and I sure as hell didn't want a bunch of people to give me their condolences.
I didn't want to hear them tell me what he would want me to do. That's the thing about people when someone dies-everyone just rush in to tell you what you should do, how you should do it, because the dead person would want it this or that way. I always considered that to be a bunch of bullshit. That's not true. There's no way of knowing what would he want, since he's obviously gone. Everything we did on this earth would no longer be relevant to him because he's not here. That's the only truth, that's all that matter. Funerals, condolences, sad stories they keep reminding you of, that other people also went through-that's no longer concerning him, it was only about me. To make me feel better, to give me some ending.
Well I sure as hell didn't want an ending. Or a closure. Or whatever people call those things-they are not actually any of those stuff. They don't just draw a border where you can look down and say to yourself-oh ok, now he's gone and I need to get on with my life because that's what he would want me to do.
He wouldn't want me to do anything. He was unable to let me know what he would want me to do since he was dead. That was the only truth.
He could no longer be present here, I thought as I cried every single night. I was left with nothing, but memories, which would fade away with time and my promise to always remember that he loves me, would just vanish in the nothingness.
That's how I saw things in the first two months after he was gone. A time in which I myself felt pretty much dead. If it wasn't for Bonnie and Damon to take care of the kids I have no idea what would've happened to us all. Eventually, I had to get myself together. It didn't happen overnight though. It started with Damon coming home and telling me things straight-that my kids need me and I might be a widow, but I am still a mother and they are desperate to get me back. And when I saw my little Peter crying in his hands something in me just broke. I took him up and hugged Grayson next to me on the couch until he fell asleep. I was tired. I didn't want to keep going. I couldn't see a point in life anymore. Was there any at all? Why do we fall in love only to lose it? Why do we get close to people and let them in our lives only for them to disappear later on?
But my Grayson's green eyes just hit me that night. I saw Stefan in them, I really saw him there. My son was so sad, just so hopeless. He was three years old, he couldn't understand why his mother was falling apart in front of him. He couldn't get why his father was no longer in our big bedroom bed.
I really want to say that with time things got better, that the pain slowly faded away, but it didn't. It was still there, every single day-every time I woke up, every time I lied in my enormous bed, trying desperately to fall asleep. He just wasn't there. But I started fighting because of my children and did the best I could to raise them as strong and smart young men.
Damon was the biggest help in all those years. He paid attention to my kids, he took care of me when he saw that something wasn't right, or when I felt bad. He kept on the promise he gave to his brother-to never let us out of his sight. The kids adored their uncle, especially Peter, who looked up to Damon very much.
Grayson was the silent one, he was the calmest thing in the world and he was also very smart and selfless-he never held a grudge against anyone. When he was eighteen he decided to join the army. I knew it was his dream, ever since he was a child. I had such a hard time fighting with him about it. I wasn't ready to let him go away, I was scared-I found myself in the same situation as I was when Stefan was sick and away-I was terrified. Damon tried talking to him as well, he tried to convince him not go, because if something happened to him it would be just the end of me, but my son was stubborn and relentless, just like his father. Grayson didn't know that Stefan had the same dream as well. I've never told him until the day he has put on his uniform and his big back pack and I was sending him off for his first mission. Then a little before he let go of me I held his hands in mine and let him know. He tried hard to hold his tears back, but he was a strong man, even though he was so young-he hugged me tight, trying to let the pain he felt inside go away and then he kissed me on the forehead, with the intention to calm me down, just like Stefan did all those years ago.
I had enormous problems with Peter when he was a teenager, but again, as with Grayson, Damon helped me a lot and he made him sit down and told him things straight. I don't know what exactly it was that he said, but my son stopped coming late at night and his grades got up. He was a really smart boy, but his problem was that he had the tendency to get distracted too much by other things. He was confused, all those years. When he finally graduated he came to me and said he doesn't want to start college, not now at least and so Damon took him to the factory and they worked both together. After three years passed like this he finally felt himself ready and went off to study at Whitmore college, which just made me beyond proud.
In the meantime Grayson kept coming back every other six or nine months, safe and sound and every time I saw him at the doorway I let a deep relieved sigh out. I liked to think that Stefan was keeping an eye on him. That didn't help me sleep better at night though-I was still terrified and I could see that he wasn't the same man he used to be, because he has seen death already and that has changed him. During his fourth time away I got a phone call telling me that he got shot and he's been transported back. I went out of my mind and I could feel myself starting to fall apart just like when Stefan was in the hospital before he died. I prayed so much that night, I asked Stefan to help him, to just let him stay with me and I'm pretty sure he heard me because my boy woke up two days after he was shot. He continued being stubborn though and after he recovered, he took off again. I had no words how much he resembled his father in that.
As time passed I started noticing things. I started rediscovering Stefan's love in the most simple and ordinary things. I could feel him in the spring warm wind, I could notice him in the sunrays coming through our kitchen window. He was indeed around me and I was able to feel his presence now, unlike the time after he has just passed away.
I often went to his grave and talked to him about everything-in times when I was desperate, in times when I was happy and in times when I was proud of our sons.
James often went there as well. That was when he was back home, because he was actually a professional basketball player now and he kept saying that the reason he loved the game so much was, because of his uncle. There was one night when he had a very important game and all of us have gathered at Damon's house. The kids were running up and down the room, impatient to see what's gonna happen. Once they won and the game was over, I saw Damon cry for the first time in such a long period.
Him and Bonnie had two more children-a girl, who they called Charlotte and who was the female version of a naughty teenage Damon and a boy, who was the youngest of them all and whom came as a complete surprise to them, who they called Henry. They asked me to be his godmother and of course I accepted. I think it's needless to say that he had a soft spot in my heart and that I spoiled him very very much. After my own kids grew up and went away I often took little Henry to my house since Damon and Bonnie had to work at night sometimes and he just made everything around me brighter.
I often reread Stefan's letters from that summer after he has left for Chicago and it brought so much memories back. I also kept his last diary in a drawer next to me and when I felt lonely or just sad I took it out and read what he has written.
At the end of it he hasn't really written much, only a few sentences with a very bad handwriting saying:" My brother, Elena and the kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't be more grateful. I have convinced myself, that even though I've been through hell and I've seen so much death, life is after all good."
The last big thing he managed to write down was addressed more to me, than to anyone else:
"I've spent such a long time wondering how things in life get so messed up. I've spent years trying to get at least a small idea of why bad stuff happen to good people. Beyond all I was desperate to leave a mark. I wanted my deeds to matter, to be important for someone since I could see how short-lived everything around us was. And then I realized I don't need that, since I had the greatest thing a man could ever wish for-I was loved by the most beautiful girl in the entire world.
Elena, I love you.
And you know that I would love you till the end of time, beyond infinity, beyond everything you see as an ending line in this world. I love you. And yes, I do want you to remember me. I want you to think of me when while you are still young and full of life. I want you to remember me when you're walking down the street or when the sun is setting down and you observe the beautiful orange colors of the day's sweet goodbye. I want you to remember me when you are in a traffic jam and you are pissed or when you are cleaning the plates after dinner. I want you to remember me when you are old and gray and you can't figure where you've put your comb. I want you to remember me, because I shall be right there even, if you can't see me.
But you have to forget me when you're starting a new job, when you are out with Caroline and you're talking about your girl stuff. You have to forget me when you're on a date with another kind-hearted man, because you do deserve to find someone again after I am gone. I want you to forget me when you are laughing and you're having a good time somewhere. Forget me when you are living and going through the most important things in life. Forget me then.
But remember me when you are alone- no matter how selfish that is-remember me then. Because you are only mine and I was only yours and nothing in the world could ever change that.
But beyond all remember this-I love you. Without an always or forever-those definitions don't suit us-only this: I love you"
And so I did remember him.
A/N: So this is the last update.((: The story is officially over. Firstly I would like to thank you all for the amazing reviews and for sticking with me till the end, for baring with my mistakes and my bad writing-it means a lot. This story wasn't supposed to be more than 12 chapters originally, but I decided to make it longer. So thank you for always giving me your opinions on what was going on. Secondly-I'm sorry if some of you are not pleased with the ending. I'm not a sucker for happily ever after stories, I'm a bit realistic by nature and I wanted to keep this story realistic as well. I hope that you liked what the characters went through, how they went through it and what they lost and gained in the whole process.
If some of you want to personally yell at me you can find me on tumblr my url is asouluppastmidning.