Tag to Swan Song.
Doubts.
Far more often than she would like, far more often than she would ever admit to anybody she finds herself waking in the middle of the night. Sometimes hearing the voices in her head. People from her past, her present and those long gone from this world. Sometimes breaking out in a light sweat or gripping the sheets tightly in her hands. Waking with the memories she is powerless to stop. Whoever she shares them with or how far she runs. The images playing out like a silent movie in her mind. Bloodshed. Violence. Betrayal. Death. She has seen too much. Known too many secrets.
Always trying to be strong. To hide her heart. To impress her father, protect her family and to some degree also herself. Building up walls and never letting anyone in. It is safer that way. No-one can hurt you. This is simply who she is and the way she's grown from laughing little girl to trained, remorseless killer. With all that has happened to her it is not surprising that she finds herself questioning just who exactly she is and what it is she wants.
Yet, since coming here she has found herself beginning to soften. Learning to trust others and even feel love again. Today standing in autopsy it had all become too much and she'd had to flee but other than the elevator and Tony's arms there was nowhere else to go. She'd even allowed herself to shed a few tears and accept his embrace. It was just that, an embrace between comrades-in-arms, the only admittance of feeling that either one was comfortable with.
So not for her Abby's dreams of stuffed hippos and fluffy kittens, McGeek's of circuit boards, Tony's of movie babes, Gibbs' of sailing, Ducky's of Scotland and Palmer's of Breena. Her sleep will probably never be peaceful but hopefully one day when she wakes in the night she will not be alone. With everything that she's experienced surely she deserves that at least?