Coming Home:

Seeing his mom and dad again was a blessing.

Feeling his mother's arms around him, hugging him tightly, and whispering words of reassurance and love into his ear from relief.

Feeling his father's firm hand in his own hand, shaking it before giving him a strong, one-armed hug.

It had been way to long since Kaidan had been home last.

It was good seeing them in real life instead of on a com-channel.

Nothing beat the feeling of being with your family, letting your mother spoil you ever so slightly.

It had been a long, long time since Kaidan had allowed himself such simple pleasures. Just letting himself relax and enjoy life, even if he was still grieving.

His parents wasted no time in getting him back to the house. Back to the home were he had grew up.

An odd sense of nostalgia washed over him as he entered the house, stepping over the threshold and entering the hallway.

While the Alenko house had all the comforts that were normal for this time, his family also valued a more simple style to go along with all the modern equipment.

Instead of stone, steel or plastic, most of the outer walls of the house were actually made out of good, old wood. Of course, the supporting beams as well as some of the more vital connective points and the doors had metal around it. There was also a good five inches with foam-based insulation in the walls so the house would keep its heat, especially during the Vancouver winters.

Kaidan inhaled deeply and just relished in the feeling of being home.

It had been almost two years since he had been home the last time, thought it almost felt like a lifetime. It was soothing, helping that ache that had refused to leave his insides since the death of John Shepard.

"How about you go and take yourself a bath or a proper shower," his mother said as she came up behind him, gently touching his arm. "And maybe catch some shut-eye. Knowing you, you probably haven't slept well in a little while and if you keep going like this, you'll get a head-ache. Or worse."

Kaidan smiled some. Just having his mother being all… mothering just made him feel happy right now.

"Sounds like a good idea, mom. I think I'll do that."

Mrs. Alenko nodded and gave her son a warm, loving smile. "Good boy. You know where your room is. I'll let you know when dinner is and after dinner… Well. You can update us about everything. If you have the energy for it, of course."

Kaidan nodded and grabbed his duffel bag. It didn't contain much, just his dress blues and a set of causal army clothes as well as some pairs of underwear, socks and some toiletries. Things he had been provided with as well as picking up himself while he was at the Citadel.

"Sounds good, mom. Just give my door a good knock if I don't answer."

Then he walked down the hall and turned into the living-room. He took a moment to just take in the room before he moved on, walking towards, then up the stairs before turning left as he approached the first door on that side.

His room.

He palmed the electronic panel next to the door and watched it slide open. He took a moment just to take it all in before finally stepping inside, placing his bag next to him on the floor.

Nothing had changed here; it was exactly the way he had left it.

The bed, a king-sized one, was neatly made up, fresh linens already put on the duvet, pillows and mattress.

A simple lamp was on the nightstand along with an alarm-clock and a com-pad. Probably a book he had been reading during his last stay.

His desk was tidy, his old computer still standing there. He wasn't even sure if he could remember the password anymore.

Over the desk was two bookshelf's, one with com-pads and the other with actual paper books. A model of a frigate was used as support, preventing them from toppling over. He smiled some when he read over the titles.

'The Moon in Your Eyes'. 'The Ends of the Universe'. 'Space Heart'. All those books he had read while under rehabilitation; cheesy stories about a marine going to space to prove himself to the woman he loved, dreaming of someday doing the same for himself.

Shepard had been right. He had been a bleeding romantic. He'd just accepted a healthy dose of reality and duty to go along with it.

He really hadn't expected to find someone that he was willing to fight so hard for, even die for.

He was a soldier, he knew that sometimes you had to make sacrifices, even if that sacrifice meant yourself. Die for your planet and your people.

He just hadn't expected to be on the other end of that sacrifice. He had been ready to give his live for the cause and for others. He just hadn't been mentally or emotionally prepared to have someone do the same thing for him. Ashley had been the first lesson for him, but the hardest blow had been Shepard.

"Dammit," Kaidan mumbled as he felt his eyes sting, quickly reaching up and rubbing his fingers just underneath his eyes.

He was going there again. Not good.

Quickly squashing that feeling, Kaidan picked his bag back up and tossed onto the bed as he approached it. He opened the zipper and while separating the colours from his white in his make-shift "laundry-bag", he biotically lifted out a change of underwear, socks and his toilet-bag.

He didn't have to do it that way, but it gave him something to do with his mind, helping him from going down that road again. At least for now.

As soon as that was done, Kaidan brought his change of clothes as well as his dirty clothes to the bathroom, placing said dirty clothes into the laundry-hamper.

He was more than capable of doing his own laundry, but knowing his mother, she wouldn't let him. He had done that mistake once before and had all but gotten his fingers smacked. Only his mother could make him feel like he was five years old instead of a man that had passed into his early thirties.

The shower was divine and as soon as he stepped underneath the running water after stripping out of his clothes, Kaidan knew that he would be staying there for a good, long time. Maybe he'd allow himself a whole ten minutes.

Steam showers had nothing on feeling warm water hitting your face, running down over your skin, washing away more than just the dirt that seemed to be a part of Kaidan's skin at times. He turned his head up to meet the falling droplets, closing his eyes and slicking his hair back over his head when his fringes tickled over his eyelids.

He stood like that for what felt like a small eternity, just letting that warm water run over his naked body before he reached for the shampoo.

As nice as it was, he couldn't stay in there forever and it felt like his energy was going down the drain along with the water.

Army-training kicked in as he shampooed his hair, leaving it in while he scrubbed his own body before rinsing off everything. After turning off the water, Kaidan grabbed a towel and quickly dried off his hair to get the worse of the water out of it before drying himself off and slipped into his fatigues.

When he exited out from the bathroom, he could hear music coming from downstairs. Classical music, a piano-piece.

His mother loved concert music and Kaidan had to admit, he had inherited some of that love himself. Right now it made him smile, helping that feeling of being home grow even more.

Smiling some to himself, Kaidan returned back to his bedroom, letting himself fall down onto his bed and stretched out.

Nice and soft unlike the sleeper-pods on the Normandy, or the rock-hard excuse of a mattress. He honestly wasn't sure if he would be able to sleep in such a soft bed, being used to less than pleasant sleeping arrangements.

… Heck, he'd take the floor if it turned out too bad. Or ask his dad for the old field-bed in the garage, unless he had already tossed it out.

Closing his eyes, Kaidan inhaled deeply as he let himself relax, letting the soft bed and the feeling of being home wrap around him like a warm blanket.

If it was those feelings or just pure exhaustion that won in the end, Kaidan didn't know. Not that it really mattered, the result probably would have been the same as drowsyness overcame his senses and he fell asleep.

xoxoxox

His mother woke him up a few hours later, knocking on his door before calling out that it was dinner.

Even if he had been tired, Kaidan woke up from the sounds, calling out a sleepy "Coming" as he sat up on the bed.

He lifted his hands and rubbed at his face, trying to blink the sleepiness out from his eyes before standing up from the bed.

A quick glance at the clock on his nightstand told him he'd slept for roughly two hours. It certainly didn't feel that way, his head still feeling a bit foggy from the involuntary nap. His stomach was more awake, letting out a loud grumble that made Kaidan raise an eyebrow.

"… Yeah, yeah, I hear you," he mumbled, getting up and leaving his bedroom.

The scent of sweet potatoes and fried chicken almost instantly assaulted his sense of smell, making his mouth water and stomach groan louder.

When he entered the kitchen, the sight that welcomed him was as much a feast for the eyes and the heart as it had been for his nose.

His mother and father were already in the kitchen, his father putting bottles of beer onto the table while his mother served enough food to feed the entire Normandy crew.

"Don't just stand there," Mrs. Alenko mused as Kaidan seemed to be frozen by the kitchen door, placing a porcelain form with golden-fried chicken on the table.

"Have a seat and help yourself. I hope I've made enough."

"I think you've made enough to feed the Alliance and then some," Kaidan replied, hurrying over to the table.

"Ah… Can I help with anything," he asked, stopping himself from being a complete barbarian and sitting down. He wasn't very surprised that his mother waved him off.

"No, we have this under control, Kaidan. Sit, sit."

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan mused, earning a slap from his mother and a chuckle from his father.

"Keep that up and you won't be getting any of my apple pie," Mrs. Alenko said with a strict voice, making Kaidan snap his lips shut.

"Duly noted. Shutting up."

Mrs. Alenko just dropped a kiss onto Kaidan's head before adding a huge piece of chicken onto his plate. "That's my boy."

The dinner was wonderful and Kaidan ate like he had never seen food before, much to his mother's delight. She was only too happy to add more food onto his plate until he was almost begging her to remove the plate from his hands.

'Death by chicken dinner' just wouldn't sound good on his obituary, he had joked, making his mother roll with her eyes.

Besides, he needed room for that pie.

Once the pie had been devoured along with another bottle of beer each, the family had moved to the living room to "recuperate" after the dinner.

Kaidan swore that he had never felt as exhausted as he did right now, with his belly full of chicken, pie and beer.

"I'm gonna need at least a month with intensive training in order to get back in shape," he groaned, one hand on his belly, trying his best to soothe the ache.

"Make that two," Mrs. Alenko had said, pouring some coffee into cups.

"I do believe you mentioned that you would stay here for a couple of weeks and I intend to feed you properly while you are here."

Kaidan just grinned and accepted the cup handed to him by his father. Black, with three sugars. Just the way he liked it.

"I think I can handle that."

Of course, they all knew he couldn't, that he would be seeking out the gym and the Alliance base as soon as he could.

Both for training and to keep himself updated.

The fact that he had to go to the base for his evaluations and meetings with a psychologist was something Kaidan was trying not to think about.

The evening passed with quiet conversations about everything and nothing.

The Holo-TV was on in the background, but most of the noise came from Kaidan and his parents talking. To Kaidan's relief, his parents seemed happy with doing most of the talking for now, updating him about small things that had happened since his last stay.

Just gossip and fun rumours; like their neighbour having bought a new car and that the eighteen year old girl next door had two boyfriends and a girlfriend at the same time.

Silly little things that weren't a threat to the galaxy, only to ones reputation and Kaidan really couldn't give less of a damn about someone's reputation.

He wasn't sure when it happened, but eventually Kaidan dosed off. The heavy meal and the feeling of comfort had been more than enough to render him useless. When he woke up again, the TV was off, the lights dimmed and someone had wrapped a black and blue woollen blanket around him.

He grunted a little as he sat up, running a hand through his hair as his eyes got adjusted to the darkness.

He halfway considered going to bed, but he wasn't feeling tired just yet. Exhausted yes, but not tired.

Instead he switched off the light and walked upstairs, past his room and the bathroom, towards the upstairs living-room. He tried to be quiet as he walked bare-feet over the wooden panels; his parents' room was downstairs.

The balcony door slid open without a sound and Kaidan stepped outside, inhaling the cool night air. The view was as beautiful as always and it never failed to bring a sense of peace as he gazed over the bay-area. There were lights scattered across the area, both on land and on the water, but the biggest light of them all was the light from the full moon hanging in the middle of the black sky, surrounded by thousands, millions of stars.

He wondered, for a brief moment, just how many of those stars he himself had been near and how many stars were still unexplored.

Even after so many years and so many travels, having seen so many nebulas and planets, they had still only explored a fraction of the universe as a whole.

It was enough to make Kaidan feel very, very small.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you are still up, Kaidan, even if you did sleep like a baby when we left you. Couldn't sleep anymore?"

Kaidan looked over his shoulder as he heard the voice, smiling some when he saw who it was.

"I guess I wasn't that tired, dad… Exhausted yes, but tired..? Not really. Have some trouble relaxing, I suppose."

Mr. Alenko chuckled softly before walking onto the balcony, into the chilly night air. "I can't blame you, son. You've been through a heck of a lot."

Kaidan managed a small grin. "I blame the bed, actually."

"Want me to get the field-bed?"

"Nah. I'm good."

Mr. Alenko chuckled again before handing Kaidan a bottle with lager, dew gathering on the cool glass.

"Maybe this will help instead."

"Beer in the middle of the night?"

"If you don't tell your mother, I won't either."

Kaidan smirked while taking the bottle, opening it before taking a good swig from it. "Thank you," he murmured after swallowing a mouthful of the beer, licking his lips to remove the drops of beer from them.

Mr. Alenko nodded his head slightly before taking a gulp from his own beer.

"It's a nice night tonight," he murmured, glancing up at the stars.

"Had a week-long period with nothing but black clouds and rain before you came here."

"Nice to know that even Vancouver wished me welcome home."

Mr. Alenko chuckled, smirking a little at his son. "You are always welcome here, Kaidan. Always."

Kaidan looked at his dad and smiled some. "Thank you, dad. That means a lot."

Mr. Alenko nodded and gave his son a firm pat on the back before they went back to drinking their beer in silence, just watching the stars.

"I know I tell you this every time I see you, Kaidan, but… I am proud of you. Damn proud of you. I know I protested when you enlisted, that I told you it was a mistake, but…"

"I know, dad. I know."

"Good. I want you to know."

Kaidan nudged his shoulder lightly against his father's. "I know. Thank you though. It means a lot to hear you say it."

"It's just that you are my only son and I've almost lost you more times than I care to know about."

He didn't elaborate and Kaidan was grateful that he didn't.

His father had been an Alliance soldier as well, he knew the risks. And he knew how raw a wound could be and how fragile the psyche could be, even if you pretended to be strong.

Especially after what the Normandy crew had been through. One month of easy missions were not enough to heal the wounds left by Saren and Sovereign, nor was a week enough to heal the traumas left by the destruction of the Normandy and the loss of friends and loved ones.

His father knew those things so he wouldn't press the issues. Not yet.

"I'm not gone, dad. I'm still here."

Still here… He was the lucky one it seemed.

Kaidan had survived BaAT, he survived Virmire, he had survived the attack on the Citadel and he had survived the destruction of the Normandy.

There was that guilt again…

"I'm still here," he repeated, more weakly this time. "I'm still here…"

"You okay though, son? Truly?"

"No," Kaidan replied honestly, taking a deep gulp from his beer. "But I will be. Just need some r and r, that's all."

"You know, Kaidan… It's not a weakness to show that you are tired."

Kaidan turned to look at his father, taking in the man's face. The dark, slightly mussed hair with a hint of salt in it. The wrinkles under bright, blue eyes. The straight, thin nose.

A face Kaidan recognized every time he looked in the mirror, but at the same time, the face he saw in the mirror was older than the face he was staring at now.

He wasn't sure what to make of that.

Instead he let his lips curl up into a weak smile. "I know, dad. I know."

He seemed to know a lot of things that night.

But in truth, he knew nothing.

For a moment he wondered if he had ever known anything at all.

"I don't think you do, Kaidan," Mr. Alenko murmured, placing his hand on Kaidan's shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

"You were forced to grow up fast because of who you are. Take on responsibility well beyond what you had to. Not being in control… You didn't like it as a child and I know you don't like it as an adult. So when things that is beyond your control happens…"

"Dad… Please. Don't go there. Not now."

Mr. Alenko nodded and released Kaidan's shoulder. "As you wish, son. But not speaking about what's bothering you aren't going to make the problem go away."

"I know it won't, dad. But I want to deal with it when I am ready for it." He couldn't keep the slightly annoyed tone out of his voice, instantly feeling bad that he was about to snap at his father.

His father nodded his head and, taking a last gulp from his beer, turned and walked back to the balcony door.

"As long as you do talk about it at some point, Kaidan. Just know you can always talk to me or your mother."

Before Kaidan could respond to it, he opened the door and went inside, closing the door behind him and leaving the biotic outside with his thoughts.

Kaidan sighed and leaned heavily against the wooden railing, dangling the bottle of beer over the railing as he gazed over the bay-area.

His father was right and he knew it. He had an appointment with an Alliance psychologist in three days, but the problem was that he wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about it that soon. He supposed that was half the point though. Nipping it in the bud before you had the chance to bury it.

Closing his eyes, Kaidan brought the bottle to his lips and finished off the remains of the beer inside before he too pushed himself away from the view and headed back inside. The air was feeling a bit colder now, giving him goose bumps.

At least that's what he told himself.

After closing and locking the door behind him, Kaidan returned to his room, leaving the empty bottle on his desk before he crawled into the bed. He tugged the blanket tightly around himself and tried to relax; focusing his breathing into long and slow exhales and inhales through his nose.

Still, as he tried to focus on sleeping, there were certain thoughts and feelings that just refused to leave him. In a way, being there, all comfortable and safe made him feel a horrible sense of guilt that just refused to leave him.

Groaning some, Kaidan tugged the blanket over his head and buried his face into his pillow. He seemed to go around himself a lot today, returning to certain thoughts as quickly as he escaped them.

Maybe that was his punishment for surviving.

Carrying the load and memory of people who deserved to live so much more than he himself did.

As depressing as that thought was, it made him feel just a little bit better.

At least then there was a reason why he was still alive when others had died.

So he could remember those who had died before their time.