Rose clung to her mother for the rest of the short flight back to the academy. As hard as it was to see her breaking down and gasping for breath between sobs, there was a small sense of relief to see her actually processing what had happened over the past few days. My instincts made me want to rush to her side, but I knew that it was important for Rose and Janine to have this moment together. When Rose needed me, I'd be there for her.
As soon as we had landed and unloaded, I watched Rose as she walked away with her mother on one side and Mia on the other. Christian and Lissa were walking behind them, holding onto each other. Eddie brought up the rear, rarely letting his eye raise off the ground in front of him. The entire group seemed to be weighed down by sorrow.
"I'm leaving at the end of the week. I've offered to let Christian come home for a few days until the semester starts up again in earnest. I have the paperwork to send to Court as soon as you sign it."
My eyes were still intent on the group slowly growing smaller in the distance, and it took me a moment to realize that Tasha didn't need the Court's approval for him to come home for the weekend.
"What?"
"The paperwork for your transfer. You'll need to sign it, as well as Guardian Petrov, but otherwise it is all ready to send to Court. If we get it out tomorrow, everything should be cleared by the time our flight leaves."
Oh. The transfer. In the rush of the past few days, I hadn't thought about that dilemma once. All I could think about was Rose. The realization brought an odd sense of clarity.
"No."
"What do you mean, 'no'?" She seemed taken aback by my abruptness.
"I mean, no, Tasha. I wont be going with you. I'm needed here."
"Dimitri, please, think about what you are saying." In her favor, she looked at me with sympathy rather than anger. "You need to leave. If anyone found out about what was going on between you two, then you could lose everything."
"I know, but she needs me right now."
"What she needs is for you to let her go before you end up ruining both of your lives. I like Rose, I really do. She's smart, and dedicated, and loyal. You've trained her well. She will be an amazing guardian once she graduates but right now she is still a student. She's still a child. I know you don't want to hear this but who knows what she'll want in a year from now? She's passionate, but she's also impulsive and this tragedy is just one example of that."
"Don't use Mason's death to justify me leaving." I was still fairly exhausted after everything, and my waning temper was just one symptom of that.
"I'm not trying too," She insisted quickly before taking a deep breath and letting it out with a sigh. "Really Dimitri, everyone's emotions are running high. A kid died a needless death. You nearly lost Rose. I thought I had lost Christian. I understand why you want to be here to support her but are you thinking logically or emotionally about this?"
I knew she was right. Before the disappearance, I had been ready to go with Tasha. It would have been hard, but I thought it would have been for the best. Now, I wasn't so sure. What I was sure about, was that Rose needed someone she could count on to be there and support her. I wanted to be that person.
"It doesn't matter, Tash. I need to be here for her."
"What about you? You always put others first, and I love that about you, but what about everything you wanted? A real relationship, a family, freedom. You can't have that here. I can give you that. Others can help Rose and get her through this, but nobody else can offer you what I'm offering you."
She was right of course. Tasha was offering me more than I could ever dream of, more than ever dared to dream of. But those dreams didn't mean much if I wasn't sharing them with the right person. When I thought about living my life, creating a family with my wife, I knew that it wasn't something I could just insert any willing woman into. I could now only imagine sharing that life with one woman.
"Tasha, you are a wonderful person. I can't thank you enough for being willing to do all that, but we both deserve to live life without compromising on who we live that life with."
"What if I didn't see it as a compromise?" She offered meekly. Tasha – strong, lively, out-spoken Tasha – looked completely vulnerable and I suddenly felt like an idiot for not noticing sooner.
"Oh Tasha," I whispered, my voice lost in the sudden understanding. I had assumed her offer was one given out of our friendship and her inherent selfless nature. I assumed it was an arrangement of convenience and mutual respect. There was attraction between us, yes, but I never truly thought that love factored into the equation. "I don't...I'm sorry but..."
She waved me off, turning her face away from me to hide her emotions. "It's fine Dimitri. I figured that out pretty quickly. You don't love me, at least, not like you love Rose. I thought maybe you could grow to love me but..."
"She has my heart," I finished. "I care about you Tasha, I really do, but Roza has captured my heart without me ever realizing it and I don't think I want it back. Even if nothing ever happens between her and I, it would be impossible for me to love someone else. You deserve better than than that. You deserve better than me."
She let out a small, humorless laugh, and smirked at me. "Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on that one, Dimka."
I offered a small smile in return, knowing that my nickname was a sign of a truce between us.
"I can't support your affection for her, not when she's the same age as Christian. I hope you understand. But, as long as you promise not to do anything stupid until she's eighteen and graduated, I wont say anything. I may not like what's going on, but she obviously makes you happy and the very least I can do is not take that away from you. Just please be careful, okay? I'd hate for anything to happen to you."
"I promise. Thank you." I knew that she was uncomfortable, but considering everything, her silence was more than I could have hoped for. I looked back towards Rose and the others, nearly out of sight now. "How's Christian holding up?"
"He's hanging in there. I think a part of him feels guilty for not thinking of the fire thing earlier, when everyone had their strength."
It was such a shame that we were conditioned to not utilize magic so much so that a simple way to escape wasn't thought of until days later. Granted, at least Rose and Christian had thought of it at all. I couldn't say that I would have if I had been in the same position. "He can't blame himself for that."
"I know, and I told him that too. Perhaps this could serve as a lesson though, for why we should consider offensive magic. So much might have been avoided if they had simply been able to get out earlier."
I nodded, but I wasn't sure I agreed with her. They were against difficult odds, and I think luck had just as much to do with their escape as skill did. However, Tasha was willing to use any argument she felt necessary to further the cause she was so passionate about.
"That's not what's really bothering him though," Tasha continued sadly, a distinct morose darkness underlying her tone. "Apparently the male knew Lucas and Moria and used that to taunt him. Told him how they wanted to turn him when he was older. Suggested that he might do so in their honor."
I was sickened at the thought. Dealing with Strigoi was always unpleasant, but having a personal connection made it so much worse. It made you second guess yourself, it made you vulnerable, and it made you more susceptible to making mistakes. It was unfortunate that Christian had to be tortured psychologically in addition to everything else they went through.
"Will he be alright?" I had no doubt that Christian was strong, but even strong men have their weaknesses.
"Yeah." Tasha took a breath and shook herself out of the daze that she had fallen into before looking at me. "He just needs a little time. He knows who he is and what he's capable of. Many people underestimate him, even more misunderstand him, but he isn't swayed by others. And now that he has people who care for him and support him, and he is letting them do so, he'll be just fine. He's strong."
He wasn't the only one. "You know, a lot of that is your doing Tasha. You did a good job raising him. You taught him well."
I saw her brighten a little at my compliment. I wouldn't call Tasha a prideful woman, but when it came to Christian, she was proud, protective, and powerful. She would move heaven and earth for him.
"Thank you," she replied sincerely. "I can't take all the credit though. I had some good friends help me through my own tough times."
I recalled the conversations between us that took place so long ago and felt a little peace. Tasha would be okay. This wasn't the end of our friendship. I took her hand in mine before leaning down to kiss her cheek, not in goodbye, but in thanks. "I'll see you around, Tasha. Thank you for everything."
"Anything for you, Dimka."
With one last squeeze of her hand, we parted. She walked towards the Moroi dorms where the others had been heading and I left for my own small apartment. I needed some sleep before all the paperwork that would be coming tomorrow.
I briefly thought about checking on Rose again. As much as I wanted to, I decided against it. She had yet to really respond to me. Every time I tried to talk to her, I was met with distance and silence. For now, it seemed like she was doing better with Janine and the others. I would give her space for the time being and try to reach her again tomorrow.
It took her three days to leave her dorm room. Considering everything, nobody forced the issue. Alberta approved meals being brought to her and I took it upon myself to bring her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It was the only time I saw her during those days. She wouldn't open the door to anyone but Lissa. I used my key to bring her her meals, but she would never respond if I tried to talk to her. I couldn't even say she was ignoring me, because it seemed more like she couldn't even see me. Whatever dark world she was caught up in was blinding her.
She must have gotten out of bed to eat, because there were always a few bites missing from her tray on the desk when I returned, but I never saw her do anything but lay in bed facing the wall. The first day, I sat on the bed next to her and smoothed her hair while trying to whisper comforting words to her. I stayed for over two hours until my shift was due to start. She never moved. She never spoke. I began to wonder if she would ever return to me. My heart broke, fruitlessly wondering what I could do to help her.
In the end, it wasn't me that brought her back to the world of the living, but Mason. On the day of his funeral, she walked into the chapel moments before the service started. She was wearing the same outfit that she had worn the day we had gone to the Badica home for her trials. I could still see the dazed look in her eye, but the fact that she was here was monumental.
The room fell silent as she walked to the front of the chapel where Mason's casket was displayed. His parents had chosen to keep it a closed casket funeral, but a picture of him smiling under a mess of red curly hair was perched on top of the coffin. She ran her hand against the smooth, glossy wood before pulling something from her pocket and gently laying it on top. I didn't know what she had placed there, but doing so seemed to lighten the weight of the world on her, just a little bit.
She didn't speak to anyone during or after the funeral. As soon as the final prayer was offered, she left the church before I could get to her. I wanted to follow her, but I felt the need to pay my final respects to Mason first.
By the time I had the opportunity to do so, several people had left tokens on his coffin. Some left a flower. Others left a trinket of some sort or another. Eddie left a pair of blue hand-wraps, the type that you would wear for sparring or heavy bag work. Nobody questioned why, but it was clear that it held some personal meaning to him. I had nothing to offer, but as I looked over the tributes, one stood out to me. It was a photograph of two children who couldn't be older than five or six; one with bright red curls, the other with long dark hair. Even then, you could tell that Mason adored Rose by the way he looked at her. He had spent his life loving her and if you ask me, there are much worse ways to spend your life than loving Roza. Perhaps the only thing that could be better would be having her love in return.
The announcement came the next morning for Rose's molnija ceremony. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but it had totally escaped me that she would be receiving her first tattoos. They seemed such a small detail in light of all that had happened. The meaning behind them though, well, that was almost to much to handle. Rose was too young, but she had already seen and dealt death.
There isn't really much fanfare around a marking ceremony. Most guardian's quickly learned that it wasn't something to be celebrated, at least not in the traditional sense of the word. A guardian's first marks might be attended by some close colleagues, but that was about it. It was rare for a Moroi, including your charge, to be there. It was something that was difficult to understand unless you had been under the needle yourself. The entire event is typically quiet and solemn, offering a chance to reflect more than anything else.
So imagine my surprise when I walked into the Guardian lounge and saw nearly every guardian on campus in attendance. I knew they're must have been some missing. Someone needed to be on patrol at the moment, but I couldn't readily identify who wasn't here as a show of support to Rose. It was clear that while she may not believe that she had much of a family, she was loved by everyone here, and we considered her one of our own.
The moment Rose walked into the room with her mother, we all fell into a fairly orderly formation around the tattooist's chair. Alberta, Janine and I stood the closest. A guardian by the name of Lionel was at the needle. There weren't many guardian's trained to give the marks, but the Guardian Council tried to make sure that there was always one near any large gathering of Moroi and Dhampirs.
Nobody spoke as Rose sat on the stool, pulling her hair up and to the side to expose her neck. It was bare, like a clean slate. In moments, she would have a permanent reminder of her nightmare. A physical scar to match her emotional ones.
A murmured conversation began between Lionel and Alberta.
"She wont have a promise mark. She hasn't graduated." I could see where his concern lay, but a small twinge of annoyance sparked at his words. We were all painfully aware that Rose was too young to be experiencing this.
It seemed like I wasn't the only one bothered by his words. There was irritation lacing her reply, "It happens." Her voice softened a little, in obvious concern for Rose. "She made the kills. Do the molnijas, and she'll get the promise mark later."
As the needle buzzed to life, I could see Rose's muscles tense. She still seemed a bit skittish, though she seemed to be hiding it better. Within moments of the black ink starting to leave it's mark, Rose's bottom lip was caught between her teeth and her eyes squeezed shut, though she made no sound. I remember the surprising sting that came with my first marking. It had been my promise mark of course, but since I had graduated with the top scores that year, I was the first to receive it in my class. It was a much different type of pain than what we were used to, and I knew that nobody would fault her for reacting. She had already proved her strength in the battle field.
It only took a ten minutes or so for the marks to be completed. A mirror was held up so Rose could see them, and I watched her face fall ever so slightly. Rose had once seen marks as a badge of honor. She had admired mine, and longed for her own. Now...I could see that she would trade those marks in an instant if she could avoid the circumstances that lead to them. There was a small relief in us both when the tattoos were bandaged.
She politely shook Lionel's hand and Alberta stepped forward. Placing her hands on Rose's shoulders, she quietly welcomed Rose to our ranks before pulling her into a tight embrace. Everyone knew how close Rose and Alberta were, and how Alberta saw her as the daughter she never had. So even though it was highly unusual, nobody found the change in ceremony out of the ordinary or unwelcomed.
Before I had a chance to over think things, I was standing behind Guardian Petrov. I didn't embrace Roza, because I wasn't certain that I would have been able to let go of her. I tried to think of something, anything, to say to her but when she looked at me it became clear that no words were necessary between us. Like so many times before, we understood the unspoken. I was proud of her for surviving, not just her battle but everything that came after it. I was sorry for not being there sooner to prevent it. I was here for her, whenever she was ready.
There was a small tremble in her jaw as she tried to stand tall in front of me. My hand reached out to sooth the tension, cupping her cheek gently. The moment I touched her, I felt her lean into my palm and her eyes closed as if my gesture could provide the much needed solace she deserved. When she looked at me again, only a moment or two later, I could see the warmth that had been missing from her since the moment we had found her. I let out a breath of relief. Rose would be fine. It wouldn't happen overnight, and she may never be quite the same person she was before, but she wouldn't always be trapped in her pain. My Roza would come back.
I watched as Janine offered her own words of wisdom to her daughter before Guardian Stan Alto stepped forward. With their often clashing personalities, I didn't expect him to hug her. From the look on Rose's face, she didn't expect it either. He whispered something in her ear and the look of shock only grew. My body tensed, worried that he had said something that might spark a disagreement, but as she watched him walked away and let the next person offer their support, I saw Rose's lips turn upwards. It wasn't quite a smile, but it was the closest thing anyone had been able to entice from her all week. I felt a small surge of gratitude for the harsh instructor.
The staff at the school had prepared a small lunch for everyone, and while Rose spoke to people here and there, you could tell that it was more robotic and automatic than anything else. I could see her squeeze her eyes shut and rub at her temples, as if she was fighting off a head ache. Or perhaps she was simply fighting off her nightmares. I could see her relax a little as guardians started leaving for their next shift, perhaps eager to seek the peace and quiet of solitude. I expected Rose to return to her dorm, but was surprised when she headed towards the gym and novice classes instead.
My feet didn't make it three steps towards the door before I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Guardian Belikov, I think we should sit down and talk for a moment."
Author's Note
Happy Sunday! This is quickly becoming my favorite day of the week because I get to share a new chapter and chat with all you lovely folks. Unfortunately, Frostbite is coming to an end. I believe the next chapter will be the last (barring any random inspiration) but fear not, there is more on the horizon!
Speaking of 'more'...thank you to everyone who reviewed last week and I really hope you enjoyed your special treat! I have another one for you this week so be sure to leave a review to get another sneak peek at my upcoming AU. I have been working on it like crazy with Raissa20 (my unintentionally appointed but much needed and appreciated beta) I truly hope you'll enjoy it. Remember, to get the sneak peeks, you HAVE to review under a signed in account that allows private messaging.
Question of the Week for this week is: If you had the ability to control one element, which one would be your specialty and why?
I think I would be an air user. I'd like to say that I had the ability to control something as flashy as fire, but I think my personality lends to something that is more subtle. Air is all around us and we are so used to it's presence that we tend to forget that it is even there. It's not as solid as earth or as predictable as water's ocean tides. It's not a showy element, maybe a bit playful but generally subdued. It's typical use would be in little tasks like closing a door or making chimes ring in a garden. However, when it gets out of control it has the ability to unleash hell. Suffocation, tornadoes, blowing people across the room...plus it has the ability to strike anytime, any place. There's also an 'unknown' quality since every other physical element can be seen when it's being manipulated. Air and spirit are more sneaky and can attack without revealing themselves.
but you know...I didn't spend too much time thinking about this or anything...
Anyways, thank you again for reading, reviewing, favoriting and following! Let me know what you think of this chapter. Who do you think wants to talk to Dimitri? Anyone else guess that Dimitri had no clue about the extent of Tasha's feelings for him? What do you think the story is behind the blue hand wraps that Eddie left for Mason? You guys are amazing and I adore hearing from you each week!