A/N: This chapter deals with miscarriage and mentions child abuse.
When Beyond awoke the next morning, he was alone. Panic coursed through his veins as he looked around the room for any sign of Light only to find none. He slumped back against the sofa and let out a shaky sigh, it would seem she decided to leave after all. He almost let out a laugh, he was so stupid and naïve, why would she stay when she knew she could leave and he would not do anything to her? He was already living on borrowed time, so it was only inevitable before L caught him and executed for his crimes, probably without delay.
'Oh well,' he thought as he extracted himself from the quilt. 'At least I got a decent sleep last night.' The first in seventeen years.
Beyond raised his arms up and stretched. He was just about to venture into the kitchen when he heard the toilet flush in the bathroom. He paused and strained to listen to the silence that followed and heard the floor creaking from that direction. His heart leapt into his throat. Light was still here; she did not leave after all. Without another thought he jumped up from the floor and hurried to the bathroom, he needed to make sure it was in fact her and this was not just his imagination.
When he arrived at the door he was hardly surprised to see it closed, he reached up and knocked on the door, half expecting her to shout at him to go away and he would have welcomed that.
"Light?" he asked when he heard nothing.
"Beyond," she moaned, sounding like she was in pain. "Beyond, help me!"
His hand was on the doorknob instantly and he pushed the door open. The sight that greeted him was one he never hoped to see again. Light was lying on the tile floor, the hem of the shirt he gave her yesterday was covered in blood smears, her panties lay discarded and soaked with blood. His eyes traveled to Light's legs and he saw more blood trickling from between them.
"Jesus Christ," he muttered as he took in the carnage. It was almost as bad as a crime scene.
"Help me," repeated Light, sounding desperate, her voice thick and he found it in him to meet her gaze. Her eyes were pleading with him to help, to move his legs and do something. Beyond did just that.
He crossed the room and scooped her up, ignoring the wet warm liquid that covered his hand the moment it touched her legs. Then he moved her to the shower, which was blessedly only a few feet from where she was, and she used her free hand to throw open the curtain before he lowered her into the tub. It was the only thing he could think of to keep the mess under control.
Light closed her eyes and her face twisted with pain. "I'm sorry," she groaned as more blood gushed from between her legs.
"Don't worry about it," he said as he watched. There was far too much and it was far too heavy to be just a normal menses. Either she was hemorrhaging or she was miscarrying. "Light, are you pregnant?"
Light opened her eyes and he could see the tears swimming in them. The answer was plain to see.
"It's okay," said Beyond calmly. "Everything's going to be okay."
"I'm glad one of us is optimistic," said Light with a strained smile only to moan again, her cramps growing in intensity. With each one, more blood came out.
Beyond was terrified. There was so much of it and it was all coming from the same place, even someone who killed like he did could not be prepared for something as horrific. 'Enough of that,' chided his inner voice. 'Light's already scared, she doesn't need you falling to pieces on her. You were trained as a doctor, you idiot, do something!'
"Light, I need you to answer some questions for me," said Beyond gently and she nodded. "When did the bleeding start?"
"Twenty minutes ago," she replied, sounding surprisingly calm. "I think some blood got on the quilt and floor, but I can't say for certain."
Beyond brushed that aside. "It's fine, it can be cleaned. Now, how would rate your pain? Is it more than you've experienced before?"
Light shook her head. "No, this is fairly normal for me. It's just the bleeding that's abnormal. I don't bleed this much during my period."
"That's good," he said and she stared at him incredulously. "Sorry, all I meant was it would be abnormal for anyone to lose this much during a period." It was not the best thing he could say right now, considering she was losing a child, but it was all he could think of. "Do you feel like you have a fever or the flu?"
Again Light shook her head. It was a good sign but he would need to keep an eye on that until she was on the mend.
"Are you feeling dizzy?" he asked and she shook her head. Another good sign but something he would need to keep an eye on as well. "Alright, good." He took a discreet sniff and sighed, nothing smelled off about the blood either, so she was not suffering from an immediate infection. Barring any environmental influences, it was likely this was just a spontaneous miscarriage brought about by a genetically defective fetus.
"Are you a doctor?" she asked, sounding amused at the prospect.
Beyond nodded. "I was trained as a physician. Everyone at the orphanage I lived in was told to choose a career and trained for it with the guidance of experts in the field. I even completed my clinical training before going to prison."
Light smirked. "What are the odds?"
"I could give them to you if you want," said Beyond with a grin and she shook her head. "I thought not, no one really wants to hear the odds of anything; it makes things seem so much more predictable."
She laughed a little and his grin widened; this was the first time he heard her laugh and he liked the sound. Her laughter quickly subsided and she groaned instead, he looked down and saw the trickle of blood increase for a little while, when Light stopped groaning the blood calmed down again. Beyond saw something strange in this blood flow and leaned down over the edge of the tub to get a better look. Sitting in the ever widening puddle was a two-inch lump, and even in the dim light of the bathroom, he could see the small arm and legs.
Light let out a strangled sob and his head shot up. Her eyes were closed and tears were running down her cheeks in small rivers. Beyond acted on instinct and brought a hand up to Light's cheek, forgetting that it was still covered in her blood, and caressed her as he leaned over to press his forehead against hers.
"It's alright, Light," he whispered, wiping her tears away. "It's alright, I'm here. I'm here. Just breathe, Light, it'll be fine."
Light nodded as she continued to cry. Her heart broke with every cramp and she desperately wished that it would just end already. She listened to Beyond and focused on her breathing. It surprised her greatly that she was not afraid of him being so close or having him touch her, rather she was relieved.
She knew L and she knew in her heart that he would have left her alone to grieve after calling someone else in to handle the miscarriage. It would have been with the best of intentions, but she definitely preferred having someone beside her to handling it on her own. She supposed he might have been there, but it definitely would not have been without his work, so his attention would have been divided. It was nice to have the contrary. She always did things on her own so it felt good to lean on someone else for a change, even if in a more emotionally stable state she would have repeatedly fought against the assistance.
It amazed her that Beyond was there at all, he could have just left her to deal with it after putting her in the bathtub, but instead he stayed. He assessed her situation and made sure that she was not in any immediate danger. He was even covered in her blood and still he did not make a move to leave. She wondered why he was there and why he even cared. She thought it might have to do with Mikami but that somehow seemed like a hollow excuse; all Mikami would have wanted was Beyond to check in on her, not sit and hold her while she suffered.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, still wiping her tears. They mingled with the drying blood on his hands and left streaks on her cheek. "I'm so sorry, Light." He was sorry for so much and he had no idea where to start.
"Why?" asked Light, sniffling a little. "You didn't do anything."
Beyond shook his head. "You can't say that, I might have done something to cause this. I didn't let you eat regularly and I kept you in that closet and—"
A pair of lips interrupted him.
"Don't say that," said Light as she pulled her mouth away. "You didn't know I was pregnant and I didn't say anything. This isn't your fault, Beyond, it's no one's fault. It just happens."
Beyond was speechless. She kissed him and then told him she did not blame him for this. He would have felt better if she were screaming and cursing at him; at least he would have known where her head was at the moment. Now he was left confused and a little pleased. Was she playing a game with him? Was she doing this so he would feel sorry for her and let her go? No, she already knew she could leave and he would not stop her. Why then was she acting like this?
"Light," he said quietly, moving his head away but he still kept his hand on her cheek. "What do you want to do about the baby?"
Light looked down at the tiny fetus, it looked so sad sitting there in her blood. She turned back to Beyond who was looking at her expectantly. "If it's not too much trouble, could you put it in a container?" she asked softly. "I want to bury it."
"It's no trouble at all," said Beyond with a half-smile. "I'll be right back." He kissed her forehead before he stood up and left the bathroom.
He hurried into the kitchen and found one of his empty jam jars. It was hardly a casket but it was small enough for Light's baby and could be sealed with the lid, so it was as good as any. He ran it under the tap and used a sponge to clean the inside of any remaining jam residue and did the same to the lid before drying them both with a paper towel. This was the first time he saw his hands and realized the extent of the mess. Compared to his murders, his hands were relatively clean but this blood made him nauseous. He quickly cleaned them and grabbed a pair of latex cleaning gloves from under the sink. When he had all he needed, he went back into the bathroom.
"I'm back," he said even though it was painfully obvious.
"Good," she said, her eyes on him as he moved back to the side of the bathtub.
Beyond gave her an apologetic smile as he put on the gloves and reached into the tub. His hand was trembling slightly as it neared the fetus and he willed it to stop, even if it was just long enough to put the baby in the jar. His wish was granted the moment he touched the slick skin of the fetus. He gently scooped it up with his fingers and brought the jar beside it, he turned the jar on its side and slide the fetus inside before gently righting the jar. He handed it and the lid to Light while he removed the gloves and dealt with his shaking hands.
Light held the jar close to her heart as she screwed the lid on. She looked through the glass at her baby and felt a fresh wave of tears threaten to spill but she held them in, there would be plenty of time for that later, right now she needed to say goodbye. She brought the jar up to her mouth.
"You were so loved," she said softly. "I was so looking forward to meeting you, little one. I'm sorry. I love you."
"Do you want to name it?" asked Beyond as he watched Light talk to the baby. "You might feel better if it has a name."
"I don't even know what it was," said Light forlornly.
"It doesn't matter," said Beyond gently. "Just name it whatever you want."
Light nodded and looked at the baby. "Soichiro, after my father. That's what I planned on anyway, I guess it doesn't hurt to give it its name."
Beyond nodded and looked at the baby. With his unique eyes, eyes possessed by shinigami, he saw small characters floating above the baby's head. They spelled out Yagami, Soichiro.
It was late into the night when Light's bleeding finally stopped. In that time, Beyond only left her side a handful of times to get them something to eat or drink. The final time was to run down to the convenience store at the corner to buy a pack of pads for Light to help contain any residual bleeding. Despite their circumstances, the situation was surprisingly domestic and almost seemed normal.
"My underwear is ruined," said Light when he came back with the pads. During that time, she took a much-needed shower. She was still sitting in the tub, in case there was more bleeding, and wearing only a towel as her shirt was discarded on top of her blood soaked panties.
"I have something you can wear," he said as he leaned down and kissed her forehead. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired," she said, fighting a yawn. "I'm sorry about all this. I know this wasn't what you were expecting when Mikami told you to guard me."
Beyond smirked. "I wasn't expecting to guard you at all."
Light smirked in return and watched as he gathered up her ruined clothes and dumped them in the sink. She watched as he filled the sink with water and made sure her clothes were at least wet. Looking at him, it felt like she was really seeing him for the first time, not the L imposter she saw initially. His hair was darker than L's and seemed to shine blue in the right light, his skin was not as pale as L's and she could make out the faint line on his face where makeup met flesh. His posture was much better than L's and his hands seemed thinner and fingers longer. There were so many more differences between Beyond and L that she wondered why she even thought the two were remotely the same.
She wondered why she cared. She should hate him, she should be trying to get away from him, he even said she could and he would not stop her. Why then was she still here? She could have easily left after he fell asleep, she even had the notebook to prove Mikami was Kira and show L how he killed. If she left, she would return to her waiting lover and friends, she would live her life with L and stay by his side for as long as she wanted. She would act as the world's greatest detective and work closely with intelligent people all over the world, she would have access to everything she could ever want, and never worry about her family or friends again as she could protect them. This was true, all of it, and it made her feel empty inside. These were the expectations she would be obligated to fulfill upon her return and the thought made her ill.
So much was expected of her, all of the time. She was expected to go to university, she was expected to find a secure career, she was expected to marry and have a family. She was expected to hate Kira and support L, she was expected to want to escape her enemy, and she was expected to not care about Beyond. So many expectations and yet, being here, with him, there were none. She was not obligated to do anything. She could sit in bed all day and scream at him until her voice died, she could hit and bite and he would do the same, she could talk to him or ignore him and he would not put any pressure on her to change her mind. She could sit in a bathtub and watch as one of her dreams painfully faded away and cry and he would be right there, whispering his sympathies and holding her close.
Beyond expected nothing out of her; it would hardly matter to him if she was a model captive or a hellion. She could stay or leave and he would accept her decision without dispute. It was liberating.
"I don't want to leave," she whispered as she watched him straighten up the bathroom. No, she did not want to leave this newfound freedom or this man. She almost slapped herself at that last thought. Had she not, just a few days ago, told L how much he meant to her? How she wanted to be with him? She was even jealous over the thought of him being with someone else.
Her mind wandered back to that conversation. It seemed like it was a lifetime ago now. Everything felt so right then, she was recovering from her loss, she told L about the baby, and L asked her to be his girlfriend. It all fell into place like she wanted, or was it really what she wanted?
"Do you think you can stand?" asked Beyond, shaking her from her thoughts.
Light shrugged. "Maybe, I'm not sure though."
Beyond nodded. "Okay. I'm going to go get you something to wear, I'll be right back."
Light nodded and settled back in the tub. Her back and legs were sore from being in there all day, but it was not like she had much of a choice; her bleeding was too heavy to just sit on the toilet and she might have flushed her baby without even knowing. She would do it again if it meant having that moment with her child.
Beyond returned moments later with a clean shirt, a pair of white briefs, and a couple of safety pins. Light laughed when she saw the underwear.
"I didn't think you were a briefs man," she said as he sat down and began putting a pad in the underwear.
"I'm not," said Beyond firmly. "Mikami bought these and some boxers as well, said he didn't know which I preferred and didn't want to ask such a personal question." He looked at them and then at the pad. "Besides, I didn't think boxers would offer you the support you needed."
Light was touched by his consideration and refrained from laughing as he handed her the clothes, although she almost did laugh when he turned his back to give her some privacy while she changed. She removed the towel and put the underwear on first. It was not that large on her at all, in fact it fit her very well. She decided not to dwell on whether that was because Beyond had slightly wider hips than most men or hers had gotten bigger. Once it was on, Light leaned forward and put the shirt on; she glanced at Beyond as she did and smirked a little when she saw him quickly look away.
"I'm decent," she announced and he turned back around, his cheeks now a slight pink color.
"Good," he said, trying to sound normal but it came out cracked. He went to her side and held out his hands, she accepted both and together they pulled her out of the tub. She then put an arm around Beyond's neck and he around her back, then he knelt down in order to get an arm under her legs and he pulled her into his arms. This was starting to feel routine as well.
Beyond carried her into the bedroom and gently deposited her on the bed with a small bounce. Light giggled and he grinned. This felt so normal and easy, he wondered if this was all some kind of strange dream.
"I'm going to get the blanket," he said as he headed for the door. "I already checked and there isn't any blood on it. Is there anything else you need?"
Light sat up and looked at him. He stood by the door, one hand on the knob and his eyes squarely on her. She knew if she asked, he would give her just about anything. "Yes," she said, her voice calm and soft. "I want you to sleep here with me."
Beyond gaped at her. That was certainly not what he was expecting to hear when he asked, he thought she might want a snack or an extra pillow. Not him. "Okay," he said at last, his throat a little tight as he left the room.
When he was outside, he closed the door and released a very shaky breath. This was definitely not what he expected . . . but he was hardly disappointed with the outcome. After sitting in that bathroom with her all day, comforting her when she cried or was in pain, he could hardly imagine leaving her alone now. The very thought made him angry. With a smile he rushed to get the blanket and hurried back, eager to be with Light.
She was already lying down when he returned, stretched out like a cat sunning itself. He smiled wider when she beckoned him to join her and he forgot the blanket until he almost tripped over it in his enthusiasm. They shared a laugh as he fell onto the bed beside her, throwing the blanket on them both.
"Do you normally sleep in jeans?" she teased when she noticed he did not take off his pants.
"I normally don't sleep," he replied before he could stop himself.
Light raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"
Beyond sighed heavily. "I was conditioned to go with very little sleep for extended periods of time."
Light did not seem the least bit shocked to hear this, in fact she seemed to expect it, or at least thought it made sense. That puzzled him.
"Why?" she asked, sensing that he was on to what she was hiding.
"You're tired," he said defensively. This was not a conversation he wanted to have right now. "You should be sleeping."
Light rolled her eyes. "And you should be in prison, so we're both doing things we shouldn't."
He could hardly argue with that.
With a resigned sigh, Beyond settled down into the bed and Light moved closer, they were lying facing each other and he put a hand on her hip, caressing it with his thumb. "I was L's heir," said Beyond with about as much emotion as if he were discussing the weather. "And as his heir, I was expected to be exactly like him. From my intelligence to my posture, it was all supposed to be like L's. L can function for six days on only two hours of sleep, and that was expected of me as well." The scars on his back prickle as he thought about the Taser that was repeatedly used on him whenever he failed to stay awake. "Let's just say there was a unique way of ensuring I obeyed."
"You were tortured," said Light without hesitation. She could see the pain in his eyes as he told her and she knew instantly.
Beyond nodded. "I was made to sit crouched on a chair in front of a laptop and work after a two hour nap. There was always someone with me, making sure I stayed awake. I made it to about a day and a half before I started to drift off. Then a Taser was stuck in my back and I was shocked until I was awake. I would work a little longer and start to drift and then I was shocked. The cycle kept going until I stayed awake for six consecutive days with needing to be shocked. I was only allowed two hours of sleep every six days, but it was never a deep sleep, I was always ready."
Light stared at him, her eyes wide and mouth hanging open slightly. This seemed to astonish her immensely. "How old were you?"
"Seven when it started," said Beyond, even now he could remember the moment he stepped through Wammy's doors and found himself the center of scrutiny as Watari and Roger determined his worth. If he could go back, he would keep his seven-year-old self from ever entering that place. He was taken out of his musings when he felt a hand on his cheek. He met Light's eyes, they were swimming with sorrow, not pity like he was expecting.
"Were other children treated this way?" she asked, moving closer.
Beyond nodded again. "Yes, myself and one other candidate as L's heir. His name was Alex and he was my best friend." He smiled sadly. "We bonded over our shared hatred of L and his ways, not to mention what we went through to become like him."
Light could feel her heart breaking the more Beyond spoke. She wondered if Mello and Near went through anything similar. "What happened to Alex?"
"He died," said Beyond, his voice shaking as his throat clenched. It was still difficult to talk about, even after all these years. "He killed himself. The pressure broke him."
"Oh god," she said and she sounded genuinely sad. He wanted to kiss her for that. "Beyond, I'm so sorry. That had to be difficult."
Beyond tried to be casual as he shrugged but even he could tell it came off as false bravado. "Yeah well, that wasn't even the worst of it. After Alex died, I overheard the head of the orphanage talking to someone; he said Alex's death wasn't all that surprising. That it was expected." Beyond's hand clenched and Light jumped at the tight grip. "We weren't supposed to succeed L, we were just prototypes and destined to fail." He could feel his heartbeat increase and temper begin to flare. "All Alex and I went through . . . all we were forced to endure . . . was for nothing! And they knew it! They destroyed us and knew we wouldn't be anything other than broken toys."
Light grabbed his hand, almost prying it off her hip in an effort to hold it. She needed to reach him before he lost himself to his memories and anger. Now she knew why he was angry with L and wanted to destroy him and she could hardly blame him. "Beyond, it's okay," she said calmly, squeezing his hand. "Beyond, you're safe, you're with me. Please, calm down."
Beyond felt her squeeze his hand and he squeezed back, using the warmth and weight as an anchor to pull him out of his nightmares. He tried to calm down, counting back from one hundred and taking deep breaths like his psychiatrist at the orphanage taught him, and eventually he felt relaxed enough to breathe normally. When he regained his sense, he laced his fingers with Light's.
"Why did you help me today?" asked Light when she was sure Beyond was recovered.
"You asked me to," he responded, rubbing her thumb with his.
Light smiled briefly. "I know, but you didn't have to listen and you didn't have to do all you did for me either. You could have put me in the tub and left, or left at any other time."
"I know," he agreed, "but I didn't want to. I wasn't about to leave you like that, Light, god what kind of person would I be then? Besides, I'm sure Ryuzaki would've done the same for you, maybe even more."
"I don't think so," said Light with a sigh. "I think he would've been concerned, yes but he would've left me alone or sat with me and did work. I don't think he would've been as hands on as you, and it would've been his child. Soichiro wasn't even yours and you . . . you cared."
Beyond squeezed her fingers and released her hand. "Of course I cared. I just . . . I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I just let you sit there and go through that alone. I'm just sorry I couldn't do more for you."
'Like prevent you from getting knocked up by that bastard,' he thought bitterly as he pushed himself further away. It was one thing to think Light was with a man, but it was an entirely different thing to know it was L.
"What's wrong?" she asked, curious as to why he moved away.
"Nothing," he said harshly and rolled over on his side, snapping his eyes shut against a torrent of tears. Of course L had had her first, that was just how the universe worked, was it not?
Gently Light moved closer and wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him close as she whispered in his ear, "It doesn't matter who was first, what matters is who is last and only."
Beyond's eyes shot open at the words and he rolled his head to look up at Light who was already looking at him, smiling. "Light," he said softly, he sounded more emotional than he intended. "You shouldn't want me."
"And yet I do," she said, carding a hand through his dark locks. "I can't explain it, but I just feel like I shouldn't leave you. So I'm going to stay right here, with you, if you'll have me."
"What about Ryuzaki?" he asked, pushing his hopes to the very bottom of his heart to avoid getting them shattered.
Light shrugged and he snickered.
"I guess you could always claim Stockholm syndrome when you leave," suggested Beyond, trying to keep his tone playful but it killed him to say it out loud. She could very well claim rape if she wanted and no one would think twice.
"When I leave, it'll be with you," she said sternly and he shook his head.
"Light, you shouldn't be with me," he repeated despite how much he wanted this. "I've killed people and not just killed, but mutilated. Yes, right now I seem nice and normal, but what you saw earlier was just a taste of how bad I really am."
"Beyond, that was not the real you," said Light, sounding like a teacher as she played with his hair. "That was the you they created, the you that developed after years of torture and resentment."
'I can't believe I thought you deserved death,' she thought as she gazed down at the man she and the others thought was Kira. 'If anyone deserves death, it's those people who did this to you.'
"If you were the monster you claim," continued Light, "then I would still be in that closet, soaked in blood and dying from dehydration. If you were a monster, you wouldn't be with me right now, you'd be with Mikami and enacting whatever revenge plan you cooked up."
He could hardly argue with her there.
"Beyond isn't your real name," she said, stating it as plainly as any fact. "It was one they gave you, right?"
Beyond nodded. "Yeah, we were all given new names. I was called Beyond because they thought I could go beyond L. Alex was called Above out of the hope he would be above L; we were Above and Beyond. Our keepers thought they were so clever."
Light snorted. It did sound like something L would suggest.
"Yeah, stupid," he agreed.
"What's your real name?" asked Light as she nestled down beside Beyond.
"Adam," he replied. "Adam Oliver Taylor. I was born in Devon in the West Country of the UK."
Light smiled. "You don't have much of an accent."
"Oh, that's where you're wrong, girl," said Beyond with a wide smile, addressing her in English with his full accent. "I'm a proud Devonshire man, wouldn't be caught dead sounding like those posh gits up North."
Light laughed. "I must be one of those gits then," said Light, putting on a received pronunciation British accent.
Beyond's eyes sparkled. "And where did you learn to talk like that?"
"Too much British news," she replied and they both laughed.
"You really are something, Light," said Beyond, putting an arm around her waist. "Whoever ends up with you is going to be one lucky son of a bitch."
Light smiled as they cuddled closer, Beyond's eyes were already drifting shut. "What if it's you?"
A faint, sad smile pulled at his lips. "Thanks."
He was asleep a second later, leaving Light to sit and think. In the almost three days she had been with Be—Adam, she felt far more relaxed and at ease than in the few weeks she spent with L. With L, it was always a contest, a battle of wits or wills to see who would cave first or who could raise the bar higher. There was always a game, always a new trick to try, always a new lie to work out. L's life was full of lies and misdirection, and she knew deep down that she would never know all of him and that he would only show her what he wanted.
With Adam, the only game they were playing was who knew more? That game was quickly becoming a draw the more they spoke and yet she was not disappointed, in fact she was glad that they would not have to play any games soon. Today there were not any games, just two people who were hurting and trying to find help. He was blunt where L was vague and very open about his flaws; it was a little startling to have someone so casually admit they killed and mutilated in the past while at the same time admitting they were a terrible person.
Light looked at Beyond. In sleep he seemed peaceful, much more peaceful than he did when he was awake; he always looked like he was ready to leap into some kind of action when he was up. She did not see him as a terrible person, not anymore. She saw him as a very broken young man who needed someone to chase away his fears and put him in his place when he got out of hand. She wanted someone who could meet and challenge her on every level and he was easily capable of doing both.
Light sighed slightly as she curled in towards Beyond or Adam as she now knew. There was so much more to him than what he showed the world and she was determined to peel away every layer and find out who he was underneath all the pain.