Chapter 21

"Thanks for helping me out, Ziva," Stan said as they drove back to the Medical Center. "I could have done it on my own and commandeered some guys to help, but I don't like to do that if I don't have to."

"My pleasure. It was a nice break from cleaning up houses."

"You guys planning on shipping out with us or will you wait for the airport to open again?"

Ziva shrugged. "I am not sure. I think it depends more on McGee than on anyone else."

"What's he...like?" Stan asked. "He seems..."

"He is not acting like the McGee I knew, at least not completely."

"What's the McGee you knew?"

"A computer geek. Very nice and...a little naive, even though he has been an agent for five years."

"And now?"

"Now, he is...not that way. He is more..." Ziva shrugged and then stared at Stan as he put on the brakes. "What are you doing?"

"There's no way we're going to make it through this town before the sun sets and no one is supposed to go anywhere during Sa."

"What is Sa? Iopu mentioned it, but he did not explain it."

"It's a..." Stan hesitated. "...I'd guess you'd call it a ritual, although it's not exactly. Everyone has a special prayer when the sun goes down. It's kind of like an island-wide prayer meeting. No one is supposed to go into a town once it starts and if you're in the middle of the town, you're supposed to stand silently until it's over. I'd prefer to wait outside of town."

"How long does it take?"

"Not long. It's just a prayer. Each family does it on their own. Some of the squids have been invited to them when we put in at Pago Pago before, not many, but a few. We just need to wait until we see someone moving around again. Most wouldn't be too upset if we were sitting in the middle of the road in the town, but some would be...of course, some would be no matter what."

"Why is that?"

"Some of the Samoans just don't like foreigners, any foreigners. It doesn't matter where they're from or how they act. Just the fact that they're foreigners makes them distasteful."

"I have heard of that, but I have not met anyone like that yet."

"If you're lucky you won't. Most of them aren't like that at all, but, like those tourists who live up to every single bad stereotype, the few who are ruin it for everyone."

The two fell silent for a minute or two and watched as the sun disappeared below the horizon.

"It will only be a few minutes now."

Ziva was quiet for a few more seconds and she said, "I am used to McGee being nervous. He gets nervous very easily. I am not used to him being afraid...and he has been afraid for so long that he does not know how not to be anymore. That is how he is different."

"He seemed pretty tense."

Ziva smiled at the understatement. "At first, I thought the way he had changed the most was because of the fact that he had killed someone...but now...now, I know it is not that. It is his fear that has changed him."

Silence, again, descended and then, they saw people leaving their homes. Sa was over. Stan put the car back in gear and they continued on their trek.

"Hey, Ziva," he began, just as they saw the lights from the hospital.

"Yes?"

"You know, carting a body around isn't the most romantic thing in the world."

Ziva smiled. "No, it is not...but I have had worse dates."

Stan chuckled. "I don't think I even want to know, but...should the opportunity arise before we go our separate ways, would you like to go on a date with me? It might be nothing more than a crappy dinner in the mess, but...it's something."

Ziva gave him a speculative glance as he pulled into the parking lot.

"I would not find that distasteful."

"Is that a yes?"

"I do believe it is."

"Great! We'll see what is available."

"Very well." Ziva opened the door and climbed out, then watched as Stan pulled out again and drove back toward Pago Pago. Of all the things she had anticipated when they had found out where Tim was...getting a date had not been remotely on the list.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"You can't go back?" Gibbs asked. "Why not?"

"I don't belong. I'm not..."

"McGee, if you think I'm going to let you back out of coming with us...after you told you mother you're coming back? You're crazy," Gibbs said. "I'll hogtie you myself if I have to."

"I've changed so much, Boss. I don't belong. It's not right for me to go back."

"What do you mean you've changed, McGee?" Tony asked, speaking up. "How?"

"Haven't you been listening? I killed someone...lots of someones."

"People who were trying to kill you, McGee."

"But I didn't have to."

"You didn't?"

"I could have found another way. I just didn't want to."

Tony's expression was actually amused. "You had who knows how many paid mercenaries after you...and you think you could have figured out another way?"

"There's always another way."

Tony sat down on the other side of the bed. "You haven't changed, McGee."

"Yeah, I have!" Tim exclaimed, looking at Tony in disbelief. "I would never have done any of this before."

"Do you know why you wouldn't have?"

"Just...I..."

"Because it never happened to you before, McGee," Tony said. "You've always had the ability...okay, maybe not with the knife throwing, but still, you've always been willing to do what it takes. It just didn't take... violence much before."

Tim flinched at the word...because he knew what word Tony was avoiding.

"McGee, what I'm saying is that you only think you've changed. If you'd really changed as much as you think you have, you wouldn't feel so bad about it."

Tim looked up from the bed, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "That's kind of circular reasoning."

"Doesn't mean it's not true."

"Are you sure?"

"Nope!" Tony laughed. "I've never been hunted, McGee. I've been undercover and stuff like that, but never hunted. No one knows what it will feel like, how they'll react to something before it happens to them."

Tim seemed to relax a little, but both Tony and Gibbs could tell that he wasn't feeling reassured...but he didn't comment further. He just got up, holding the paper in his hand. "I'm going to...walk."

"Where to?" Ziva asked, standing in the doorway.

Tim shrugged. "Just out."

"I will accompany you."

"I really wanted to be alone, Ziva," Tim said quietly.

"You have been alone for months. Surely, a few minutes with me will not be overly offensive." She smiled at him.

Tim managed a small smile back.

"Gibbs, the body has been stowed, along with all the evidence. Stan and I talked with the police here and they had no problem with allowing us jurisdiction."

"Of course they didn't," Tony said. "They give us jurisdiction, they don't have to worry about taking care of the body of a guy they don't care about anyway."

"Regardless, Stan had to go back to the Nimitz. He says that they will be under way in a couple of days."

"Yeah? And what else did you and Stan talk about, Ziva?" Tony asked, leering.

"How incredibly nice it feels to have sex on the beach with the tide rolling in," Ziva answered without blinking an eye.

"You–? What? No!"

Ziva merely stared back without speaking. From behind them, there was a small chuckle, quickly suppressed as Gibbs headslapped Tony. Then, Ziva smiled wickedly and followed Tim out the door.

"She didn't...did she? She wouldn't," Tony sputtered.

Gibbs headslapped him again.

"Thanks, Boss."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"What is that, McGee?" Ziva asked as they walked out of the hospital.

Tim looked down at the list of places. He handed it over to her without a word.

"What is it?" she asked again. "It must be something more than a list of cities."

"It's all the places I went." He sped up, leaving her momentarily behind.

"It bothers you?"

"You think it shouldn't?" Tim retorted.

Ziva blinked. "I was not criticizing you, McGee. I was asking a question."

"Yeah, it bothers me!" Tim said, stopping and turning around. "I just remembered what that blank space is!" His voice rose as he took the page from her hand and pointed at the line. "I killed someone there, Ziva! I killed a man after scraping all the skin off my shoulder! I bled all over the bathroom and then I let a man's body fall into the Bosporus! So...yeah, it bothers me!"

"Did it bother you before?"

"Before what?"

"Before we came here?"

Tim was ready to shout again, but then, he stopped. He looked down at the page. "I blocked it out before. There was nothing to be gained by remembering; so I let it go."

"You did not let it go. You hid it. That is different. So...why now?"

"Why now...what?"

"Why does it bother you now?"

Tim started walking away again.

"Why, McGee?" Ziva asked, easily catching up. "Is it us? Are we making it hard for you?"

"No."

"Then, what? Is it the Sphinx?"

"No."

"Your family?"

"No!"

"NCIS? Going back to work?"

"Stop it, Ziva!" Tim shouted. He stopped in the middle of the road. "Just stop!"

"Stop what?"

"Stop...trying to figure it out!"

"Why? I am concerned about you, McGee. I...I have missed you. We were afraid you might be dead. I admit that I thought you were. Why should I stop now that we have you back...and you seem to want only to run away again?"

Tim walked across the street and down to a small stretch of beach. He kicked off his shoes and walked along the edge of the water. Ziva followed suit. When she judged he was calm again, she repeated her question.

"What is it that bothers you so much?"

Tim didn't answer for a while. He just dug his toes into the wet sand, making small depressions that filled with water each time the tide rolled up.

"Seeing you guys...knowing you haven't changed. Tony says I haven't either, but I have...if only because...of what I've had to do to stay alive." Tim looked up, almost pleadingly at Ziva. "I'd never had to worry about that before. I've never been the only person I could lean on for help! When I was bullied, I could...sometimes tell my parents or my teachers. When I shot Benedict, I had you guys. Same with when Sarah got in trouble, same with when that guy, Landon, starting killing the characters from my book." He looked back at his feet. "I know you guys thought I was soft. I was." He smiled sadly. "I liked it, in a way. I liked that regardless of what happened, I was still the one everyone could count on to find the naive perspective. I'm not naive anymore. I've seen and done too much."

"Yes, that is probably true, but what is it really?"

"Out here? It's easy. Even on the run. I don't have to think about what I did. I lived in the moment because dwelling on the past or thinking too far in the future was a way to get myself killed. So...I don't have to think about it. There are no invidious comparisons with me before and me after. I don't have to see the things around me and realize that some of them may not matter to me anymore."

"You are afraid of returning to the past?"

"I guess."

"We are not the same, you know," Ziva said. "We all changed after you disappeared."

"You don't seem that different to me. You're just like I remembered."

"You look very different, McGee, but you do not seem much changed either."

"I feel different. Ever since Istanbul, I've felt different...like a stranger, like something not even human."

"Have you ever considered that the reason this is so hard for you is because you are becoming human again?"

"I don't remember it being so hard," Tim said.

Ziva smiled and sat down in the sand. "Living is hard work, McGee." She patted the sand beside her and Tim sat as well. "Just being alive is not. All you must do is allow your body to do its work. To live...that is much more difficult. You were used to living before, but then, you shut yourself down. I understand why. It is easier that way. It keeps you sane...keeps you alive." She looked out at the ocean. "But you cannot live that way all your life. I do not pretend it will be easy, but...believe me, it is worth the effort."

"Hey! You two have room for a couple more?" Tony called.

Ziva looked at Tim. He nodded slightly.

"Yes! Come and join us!"

Tim didn't look at them, but he felt the presence of Tony and Gibbs as they settled in the sand. They all sat silently and watched as the stars came out.

"The constellations are different," Tim said. "I had to refresh my memory on the southern constellations when I came here."

"Which one is your favorite?" Ziva asked.

"Dorado," Tim said. "That's where the Large Magellanic Cloud is...El Dorado was supposed to be a city of gold, of hidden treasures. That's what you find in the constellation."

"I like Crux, myself," Ziva said.

"The Southern Cross?" Tony asked. "I'm more of a zodiac man myself. I like..."

"Virgo," everyone said simultaneously.

"How did you know I was going to say that?"

"It's the only female sign in the zodiac," Ziva said. "What about you, Gibbs? Do you have a favorite southern constellation?"

"Vela. It's the sail of the Argo," Gibbs said, looking up. He pointed to it. There was no need for more explanation.

They all fell silent again, looking at the sky, looking at the ocean, not saying what needed to be said.

"McGee," Gibbs began, breaking the silence, "do you really want to stay here?"

"I don't know if I can go back."

"That's not what I asked. Do you want to stay here?"

"No," Tim admitted, still looking at the stars. "No, I don't want to stay."

"Then, you have to leave. There's no in-between here, McGee. I know you didn't like having to remember all that today."

"But I needed to, right?" Tim asked, a little sarcastically.

"Yes, you did. You need to face it now because it's going to be hard enough when you get back to DC, when you face your family, when you try and get your life back. It's not going to be easy. If you face it now, that's one less battle you'll have to fight."

"How many battles are there?" Tim asked, the sarcasm gone.

"As many as it takes, but this time, Tim, you won't be alone to fight them."

Tim swallowed the lump in his throat.

"That was worst part, you know."

"What was?" Tony asked.

"Being alone."

"Well, you're not now...and you won't be...if you're willing to come back."

Tim looked at Dorado, but then, his gaze shifted northward. "I always liked Corona Borealis. I've missed it."

"Which is that?"

"The Northern Crown. There's a galactic cluster there. You can't see it without a telescope, but just knowing it's there..." He stopped. Then, finally, he looked at his friends arrayed on either side.

"I want to go home."