"Okay?"
"Yeah, Boss; I'm okay." Tim McGee said with a smile that almost reached his eyes.
"Anything we need to talk about?" Gibbs asked him.
"The Accident Report? " Tim's voice was that of pleading for understanding that he needed to see it.
"Are you sure you're ready for it, Timothy?" Ducky asked in concern. The three of them moved to the table and sat down.
"No; but I know I need to. I know they'll be cops down here wantin my 'statement' and I won't know anything about what happened up there." Tim admitted with open honesty and frustration; both of which Gibbs was happy to see. Tim wasn't hiding what he was feeling anymore; which was good. "I'm sure Mr Edwards will be knocking down our door soon, too." Tim said with a grimace.
"If this Mr. Edwards is your parents' lawyer; then the answer to that is; 'he's already been calling. The Director told him he could talk to you on Friday'." Gibbs told him.
"Boss, no offense; but my family can't wait until Friday." Tim explained in concern.
"Already taken care of, Timothy. As per your parent's instructions to Mr. Edwards; left for him in a letter in the event of something like this. He and Director Shepard ironed out the details that were necessary for now." Ducky explained.
"Wow; that was nice of her. Okay; what about the funeral?" Tim asked; looking directly at Gibbs for the answer.
"Director Shepard has taken that responsibility on quite willingly; Timothy. She'll be meeting with you later to discuss the details and your wishes. Right now, she is; as we told you helping Mr. Edwards follow your parents' last wishes in that regard; and apparently; one of their most pressing concerns was to make sure this burden did not rest on your shoulders." Ducky patiently explained.
"Okay, then; let's talk about the accident report.' Gibbs said.
An hour later; having returned to the squad room; Tim once again allowed himself to become engrossed in the tasks he had set for himself to complete. Completely zoning out while working; Tim didn't even realize that anyone was looking at him; as Tony and Ziva both were; in concern. He was once again; too quiet and too pale; not to mention way too driven at whatever it was he was doing. Since it wasn't case work; it only drove their concern up a notch.
He hadn't had good news when going over the report from his family's car accident. The report only shed more bad news on the already dark and painful situation. No skid marks meant no brakes. No brakes meant mechanical faliure; which; without an adequate inspection on the car; which was not possible; thanks to the fire that had engulfed the vehicle; burning for what had reported to have been 5.5 hours; could now not be proven.
The convertible top had been retracted. The time of discovery; having gone over the cliff; was unfortunately; many hours later - more than 6; according to estimations from the Dr. Smythe's preliminary estimation. None of this information helped; but in fact; seemed to wipe any trace of being okay; from Tim; completely. In it's place; was a once again; seriously withdrawn and obviously near the edge young man; continuing to work extremely hard at whatever it was he felt led to finish.
The only piece of good news had been that the form he'd been asked to fill out; loaded with questions about his family and related to the car accident; did they regularly not wear their seat belts; did they usually have the top down on their convertible; those kinds of things; was the result of Director' Shepard's iron fist brought down on the Boulder, Co; State Highway Patrol; and cops in that jurisdicition; no personal interview would be allowed; as he hadn't been there. This report; based on what would have been said personal interview; would stand in its' place. She had won that fight with the practical issues; leaving his emotional state out of it; even if that was what had driven her to be his guard dog. Whatever the rallying point was; Tim was thankful for her victory and her fight; on his behalf.
Tony patted McGee gently on the back; bringing him back to current time and place; with a start.
"How are you doing, Probie?" Tony's quiet question left no room for teasing.
"Keeping busy Tony – it's the only...you know…." Tim's voice was still so quiet; Tony felt tears fill his eyes – the change in his Probie since their little pow-wow in Gibbs' basement was seriously disheartening.
"You need anything….anything at all McGee – just let me know." Tony offered solemnly.
"Thanks Tony." Tim sent Tony the small thin smile; the only one he's been capable of giving lately.
Tony and Ziva headed out on a coffee run for everyone; both needing the air and the exercise. Once they'd reached the open air outside; Ziva asked the burning question.
"How is he, Tony?" Ziva's concern unusually obvious in her tone.
"Barely holding it together. Tony answered her, his heart unusually on his sleeve; enough that Ziva understood; Tony was as worried about Tim's state of mind; as Gibbs was.
He's too calm" Tony explained where his concern came from.
"How can we help?"
"By catching whoever's responble for this nightmare."
"I will want to ensure they die; slowly and painfully." Ziva reminded him.
""Get in line, Ziva." Tony's voice was potent with anger; for once; not bothering to explain away her obvious confusion at the american expression.
The next hour; the one they had to spare before his meeting with the Director; seemed to pass quickly; and with no further problems. Tim was grateful for that; as it gave him more time to get his list of things more accomplished. It also lent him no time to think or dwell on his personal issues outside of getting his plan accomplished. In an additional search; he was silently running searches on the suspects he'd narrowed down; that may be after him. Deliberately keeping mum on the subject; refusing to bring any more attention to himself; Tim kept that search discreet. The third thing he'd accomplished was updating the running timeline he'd instigated; to track this nightmare's course.
Sixteen days. From the start of this nightmare; when he first felt that unholy terror in his gut; until the day when his family was tragically ripped away from him; had been sixteen days. It was now day # 19 and Tim; all of a sudden; felt such an overpowering wave of white hot anger; he was ready to explode. Jumping up from his desk; he bolted from the squad room; with Tony and Ziva on his tail; in abject concern.
Gibbs watched with grave concern of his own; but let his team take reins on this one. He had seen the anger coming; and in fact; had been praying for it. Anger was good. That's what was needed to keep the young man from sinking into that pit; grief; while healthy; was also dangerous. Once a person falls into its pit; it's damn difficult to climb out of it; especially with a target on your back; and most especially, when having that target there; was the reason for your grief in the first place.
Sixty silent minutes later; his team returned to their desks with no sign of there having been any problem. In fact; the only sign that anything had happened at all; was the obvious signs that Tim's was hair still wet; and he had changed his clothes. Good; he took care of it the healthy way; way to go Tim! Gibbs was proud of the way he was handling himself but still couldn't wait until the end of the day; this kid had had enough punches thrown at him in this round. It was time he was allowed a break.
Unfortunately; this guy still had more kicks to make it through. The next one being; his family's funeral. Getting up from his desk; Gibbs walked over to Tim's desk and looked him over; up close. After scrutinizing him intently for a good 30 seconds; making the kid actually start to squirm; Gibbs asked his question.
"Okay?"
"Yeah, Boss, I'm okay." Tim admitted; knowing that once again; Gibbs wasn't going to say anything about his actions earlier. And, once again; Tim was thankful.
"You ready for this?" Gibbs asked.
Tim froze; a look of loss crossed his face as his eye took on the glaze of a painful memory passing through.
"what about the funeral?"
"Director Shepard has taken that responsibility on quite willingly; Timothy. She'll be meeting with you later to discuss the details and your wishes."
"Yes; but only because I have to." Tim admitted. The look on his face said more than his words; and Gibbs waited until they were alone in the elevator; using it instead of the stairs; for its privacy. Stopping it in his usual manner; Gibbs turned to his agent and once again; looked him over.
"Boss, I'm okay, really." Tim knew what Gibbs was doing.
"Really? You wouldn't be trying to lie to me would you, by any chance?" Gibbs asked cryptically.
"No!"
"IF you are fine; what is it that's running through that brain of yours; that has me thinking that you're not so okay?" the boss asked more concerned than angry.
Tim gave himself a second to process the question and the concern behind it. Finally; having been granted permission to fess up; Tim's stocism left him and he found himself unable to remain on his feet. Stepping back against the wall; he slid down to the floor and let his head fall back to the wall. Closing his eyes to ward off eveything trying to escape; not willing to fall apart at work again; he tried to reign it all back in; lock it all away; at least until he was in his room at Gibbs' house. Tim's stress; determined to have an outlet; made itself known by his suddenly ragged breathing and shaking shoulders. Damn it; he was falling apart anyway!
Gibbs squatted down in front of him and put a comforting hand on one of his shaking shoulders. Calmness seemed to radiate off the older man and surprisingly enough; Tim did find himself able to stop the emotional crisis from going any further. After a silent minute that he used to regain control of himself; Tim smiled his thanks and answered the question; in brutal honesty; which he knew Gibbs would appreciate; especially, given the current situation.
"I just don't know how much more I can take, Boss; and it makes me think I'm not helping my chances of making it through this; if I can't even keep it together now." Tim admitted. "which, in turn brings back the black hole; the endless terror that I see in my sleep at night." Tim; once giving his words a chance to come out; totally forgot to safeguard what did come out; for once. The look of distress at letting that admission come out; was obvious.
Gibbs was more than a little upset. Puling Tim back up to his feet; he demanded "Why haven't you told me about this?"
"Just how much do you want me to dump on you, Boss? Tim was now frustrated and pissed at himself. Gibbs was never supposed to know about his ongoing night terror; since Tim always managed to somehow wake up before it got too completely out of hand.
"Everything. That's what the team is trying to do; help you with all of it; anything you hide; you try to handle alone; will keep you here;" Gibbs pointed to Tim; knowing he would understand where the "here" was; that Gibbs was talking about. "Why can't you get this through your head?"
"I'm sorry; it's not about keeping things from you; it's about keeping things away from you."
"I want you to stop doing it. I need you to stop doing it. The team needs you to stop doing it. Do understand?" Gibbs pushed; his tone quiet; yet demanding.
"Yes." Tim's answer; both short and guilt ridden.
"Okay." Gibbs answer was equally short and cut the conversation off without room for doubt. Hitting the switch; he set the elevator back in motion as he; once again asked; "Are you ready for this?"
"Yes. Boss; I'm ready as I'm every gonna be for this; and I need to get it over with." Tim admitted.
"Okay. You just remember; you are not alone in this. We're here for you. You just have to ask. None of us are mind readers; and you do tend to expect that of us."
Thirty minutes later had both agents back at thier desks and packing it in for the day. Tony and Ziva had already packed it in; and were just waiting to make sure Tim was okay before they left. The team walked out together; and went their seperate ways. The trip to Gibbs' house was a quiet one; as Tim was lost in his thoughts and Gibbs was unwilling to disturb him. The young man had a hellova lot going on; had been through more than most people go through in a lifetime; in the last few weeks. Even when the reached the house; Tim remained locked up inside his thoughts; only thinking of his surroundings enough to know where he was and to smile his thanks at Gibbs when it seemed appropriate.
While Gibbs cooked dinner; Tim hit the shower. Dinner was quiet; neither one willing; as of yet; to break the silence. Both had enough on their minds to keep themselves lost in their own thoughts. While Tim cleaned up the kitchen; Gibbs retreated to his basement; hearing his boat call his name; needing the release he found in the steady working of his hands. The next few days would be rough and he sent up a prayer that things would get easier for his agent soon.
With the kitchen cleaned and coffee set to brew; Tim took his tired brain and hurting heart off to bed. He'd had enough of trying to think about things; now he just wanted to vegetate for a while; think about nothing; escape into nothingness; where no one would remind him of anything or expect things from him. The funeral was set for the day after tomorrow; at his parent's church in New York.
After restlessly tossing and turning for more than an hour; he gave up in frustration. Taking himself down to the dining room; Tim dove into free writing; not with the joy and whole heartedness he'd done it with before; but with the burning need to get the words out of his mind; and onto paper; before they got so jumbled he'd get lost in them. It wasn't long before he realized the words he was putting out were actually meaningful and had a purpose. It gave him the vision to keep going; and the ability to relax and get comfortable in what he was doing. As he typed; his mind went where the words had come from.
An hour later; Gibbs came up from the basement; intent on checking on his house guest; only to hear the sounds of Tim typing away in the dining room. Unwilling to disturb him; Gibbs took just a couple of seconds to watch him and look him over; making sure he was still okay. Tim's mind was well known for sending the young man spiraling out of control; emotionally; since this whole nightmare had begun; after all.
Realizing that this was something that Tim needed to do for himself; especially; given the day he'd just had; Gibbs left him to it. While he didn't necessarily like the lost in space look on him; as long as nothing else was going on; Gibbs could leave well enough alone. Unwilling to relive anything close to either of the two previous episodes where Tim had needed help in the midst of a serious crisis here at home; Gibbs didn't go far. He made his coffee; and settled in at the kitchen table with a book; to wait out Tim's creative streak for the night.
Giving himself this time to think and express himself like this; seemed to settle Tim's restlessness; calm his nerves; shift his brain into low enough gear; that he was able to allow his exhaustion to win over; Closing up his computer; he got up and headed for bed; through the kitchen; wanting a drink first. The sight of Gibbs actually using his kitchen as a place to relax and read; brought a grin to his face. And here; the whole team thought Gibbs never left his basement! Although, he didn't look up at him directly; Tim could feel Gibbs checking him over; looking for signs of trouble or problems. Smiling with gratitude; Tim offered.:
"Nite, Boss."; as he headed out; toward the stairs.
Without looking up or causing Tim to stop in his tracks; Bossman gave back; with a smile of his own; "Nite, Tim."
It was another hour before Gibbs made his rounds; making sure the house was locked down; and headed up to his room to get some sleep. Stopping to check on Tim; Gibbs found the door to Tim's room open; the ability to check on him was made that much simpler for it. But, then again; the reason for the door never being closed still stirred his sympathy for the young man. It was sad to realize that to this day; Tim could not handle being closed up in a room; this reminder brought a concern to the forefront of Gibbs' mind. In trying to prepare himself for the possibility that he would yet be taken by these psycho's; this problem had been overlooked; until now. It would be a primary concern tomorrow; tonight was done and sleep was needed.
Monday morning dawned bright and way too soon. Gibbs opened his eyes; looked at his clock; saw that it was almost 6; picked up his cell phone and called Jenny.
"Jethro, this is early; even for you. Is something wrong?"
"No, Jen. Just lettin you know; my team is taking the day off. Since we have to go to the funeral tomorrow; and this nightmare's been ongoing for weeks, now; we just need the day to catch our breath; We did; after all go in and get some stuff done yesterday." Gibbs reminded her.
"No problem, Jethro."
"Thanks, Jen." Gibbs got off the phone and went to make sure Tim's alarm clock didn't wake him. With that sucess under his belt along with the note he left him on the bedside table; he looked him over quickly; saw that he was still sleeping peacefully; and retreated back to his room to call the others. Once everyone had been notified of their day off and the arrangements for the following day; Gibbs went back to bed.
Tim awoke with the feeling that something was off. Looking around him; he noticed it was after 8 and there was a note on the table where he would be sure to see it.
Tim;
relax; the team's got the day off. Sleep in.
Gibbs
While he appreciated Gibbs getting the the day off; he wasn't looking forward to having nothing to do to occupy his brain; or even his hands. Too much free time left way too much room for the thoughts and feeling he did not want to even go through right now. Wide awake; despite feeling wrung out and exhuasted; Tim took himself to the kitchen and started some coffee. When it was done; Tim took his cup; to the basement; feeling the need to be where he felt safe; but not completely locked up. He knew the rest of the house was locked up tight; but the openness of it up there suddenly left him feeling vulnerable. Curling up in the arm chair in the corner of Gibbs' basement; Tim soon fell back asleep; despite having drunk his first cup of coffee for the day.
When Gibbs awoke and looked at the clock; he noticed three things. One; fresh coffee had been made; as he could smell it. Two; something felt off; and three; it was after 9; which meant he had really been exhausted because he never slept this long; he was a Marine. Climbing out of bed; Gibbs put his mind back on the 2nd thing he'd noticed; something felt off. Forcing himself not to have any knee-jerk reactions; Gibbs set about checking on Tim first of all. Finding his agent's bed empty; unmade; and no sign that he'd even gotten dressed out of his pj's this morning; Gibbs hurried downstairs to find him. Taking the time to make a cup of coffee and drink some of it; so he could think straight; he searched for Tim quietly; if he was asleep somewhere; he didn't want to be waking him up. Finding his basement door open; gave him his first clue. Tim hardly ever went down there; and had never done so with out Gibbs having been down there first. Feeling unsettled; as if something bad was going on; Gibbs descended the stairs to the basement; after turning the light on. Hoping he'd find nothing wrong; he was surpised at what he did find; his missing agent; curled up in a ball; in his chair, peacefully sleeping.
Not knowing what to think of this turn of events; Gibbs sat himself down on his steps and gave it some thought. What would have drawn the young man down here? Was it a sign of a serious problem? Was it something that even needed to be addressed? It turned out; not but a short thirty minutes later; Tim was waking up; and carefully sitting up and stretching. Sensing he wasn't alone; Tim looked over at the stairs; to find his boss watching him with concern.
"You okay?" came the expected question.
"Yeah, Boss; I'm okay. Thanks. "
"Something you wanna tell me?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah; right; me being down here; huh? I just felt too exposed up there; I know that sounds really stupid, Boss; but I just couldn't shake that feeling." Tim's quiet; tired sounding explanation left Gibbs feeling parentally angry on his behalf. Now, the poor kid couldn't even feel at peace inside the house. Not wanting to dwell on it; or drag it out into a long painful discussion; Gibbs chose to move the conversation on to other pastures.
"I'm gonna tell DiNozzo to bring himself and a stack of those damn movies of his over here; let the two of you spend the day taking it easy." Gibbs said as he turned around and began climbing the stairs back up to the kitchen. "Breakfast'll be ready in 15 minutes."
Tim shook his head with a grin. It was good to see more of the old Gibbs coming back; tough; changing the subject off difficult ones; determined. Yeah; it was good to have him back. Lately; he'd been too wrapped up in keeping Tim afloat; to be his Marine tough self completely and Tim had felt bad about that. Now, maybe things could start to get better.
The rest of the day flew by amidst movies and team companionship and rest; it seemed like any time Tony attempted to start a movie; Tim fell asleep before it was even half-way through. By the end of the fourth attempt; Tony was acting put out; Gibbs was chuckling and Tim was actually beginning to feel less exhausted. The last movie Tony put in; he waited until Tim fell asleep before he left the room; determined to talk to Gibbs about this.
"Tony; stop fighting it; he needs to sleep." Gibbs told him as soon as Tony appeared in the kitchen doorway.
"Boss, he's not even staying awake for more than an hour at a time!"
"Tony, stop and think about it; this is really the first time he's had to catch any real sleep; without monsters and death following him into his dreams. When you go down the list of everything he's been through and still going through; I'm amazed he's getting any sleep at all."
"Yeah; I guess you're right. How is he; though?"
"He's a fighter, Tony and he's stubborn; but he's also very vulnerable right now and he feels it; to the point where he felt the need to curl up in the chair downstairs for security before I got up this morning."
"You're kidding! Why wouldn't he feel safe up here?"
"It's too open, too many windows and without someone else awake, keeping him company; it was too much for him."
"Wow; I knew he'd been quiet and getting more withdrawn lately; but I didn't realize he was feeling so scared even here, Boss."
"I have a feeling it might be about to get worse. After his family's funeral tomorrow; I'm fairly sure; his mind will fe-focus on what he still fears will happen next."
"Boss, I think..." Tony started to say.
"Spit it out, DiNozzo." Gibbs urged
"I think you should consider letting me stay here on your couch; at least for the next week or so; as extra protection and extra company; might help settle Probie's nerves; and keep him reminded that we're all here for him. Plus, it would help take some of this off of you."
Handing him his credit card; Gibbs smiled at Tony; and went to take a shower.
Tony stared at the credit card in shock; taking a couple of minutes before his almost shorted out brain figured out what Gibbs had just told him without words. replace the couch; and make good on your suggestion; was the answer the small voice inside his head threw out at him. Wow! Taking out his cell phone; he quickly made a phone call; smiling when he was done. One new piece of living room furniture; on it's way!
Tony went back to the living room to watch over his Probie. No longer in the mood for any movie; he actually turned the sound down on it; until it was barely audibile; and sat watching; thinking; and hoping; that this would turn out okay; that whoever was behind this would stop kicking this kid while he was down. Lost in his own contemplative thoughts; he didn't hear Gibbs come back down stairs; didn't see his boss look him over in concern; and didn't even hear Gibbs let Abby, Ziva and Ducky in.
Keeping things quiet; Gibbs ushered Ducky and the ladies into the kitchen for coffee and a late breakfast. Taking the time to explain what little but important things were going on; Gibbs noticed Ducky's knowing look. The M.E. knew there was more beneath the surface. As Abby and Ziva went into the living room to take up seats and silently watch the quietly playing movie; Ducky turned to Gibbs.
"What aren't you telling me, Jethro?"
"Tony's getting as worked up about this as Tim. He's been staring off in space; lost in his own thoughts for over an hour now. When have you ever known DiNozzo to do that? He's the one who came up with the idea of staying here for Tim's sake and mine, too. But, I don't want this sucking the life outta these boys; Duck! It's damn near doing that to Tim already!"
"Yes, Jethro; but giving them the chance to get through this with more togetherness; should help ease that." Ducky suggested.
"I hope so, Duck. I really hope so."