Authoress' Notes: After the success of SSE Week, Master Hand decides to hold a contest to further the fanservice of the combatants. Pikachu cheats for the gang to win, resulting in having them all screwed over. Also, Lucas gets a manicure with the girls.

What Goes On

Chapter 21: Fiendish Friends Fight Friendly Foes! (Part 1)

In the mansion that belonged to all things Smash, there was no such thing as morning to Ness; only the time before lunch. And, because of this, he absolutely refused to get up before it was served. Unfortunately, as far as Lucas was concerned, there was no such thing as a time not to be around Ness; this morning was no exception.

With a sigh and not even looking, Ness sat up from yet another interrupted sleep and grabbed him by the neck. Such a thing was easy, as he was currently busy straddling him and seeing how long he had to hold his finger in front of his nose until he woke up.

"You know," he coughed, "strangling your friends is probably the worst way you can start off the day..."

"I wouldn't have to do that if you'd quit sitting on me while I'm trying to sleep!"

"But you're so warm and squishy!"

Stupefied at such a dumb answer, Ness let go. "...Why do I even bother?"

"...BTW, my hair started tingling last night..."

"WTF?"

"Something's gonna happen today... Something big... Something... important... But I can't quite put my finger on it..."

"Probably because it's not true..."

"Oh, it's true, all right; my hair said it was, and it's never been wrong."

"...Do you sleep well at night, knowing how unstable you are?"

"Not really. Waking up in a cold sweat is like clockwork for me now. Finding blood on the sheets isn't as common anymore, but it still happens sometimes."

"...Get off!" He threw him onto the floor.

Lucas quickly recovered. "Aw, okay then! If all this doesn't bother you, then it's probably nothing to worry about! In that case, just forget I ever said anything."

"Would you believe I've been doing that since day one?"

"Well, that's that!" He jumped up, cooing. "Now, don't you dilly-dally, silly! Lunch is being served soon, so make sure you get there on time, okay? I want you to be on your best behavior, don't eat too much, and try to not to rip anybody's head off, 'k?"

He narrowed his eyes. "...Why would you say that?"

"Well, I've been feeling deprived lately, so I'm gonna spoil myself today! I'll... have to leave you for a bit and go see the girls." He bit his lip. "Oh, you're not gonna start crying, are you?!"

"..." If looks could kill, Lucas' head would've exploded.

"We asked Nana to come, so she might be missing for a few hours, too. It's because we're having a surprise manicure/hair/facial party with--"

Ness covered his face with his hands. "Uh, okay. You know what? Just go. I don't need to know all the details. Have a nice day... Far away from me."

"Aw, okay! Thank you! I don't usually do this, so I'm glad you understand! You're cool like that. I'll probably catch up with you by dinner, so try not to miss me too much, okay? Toodles!"

And with that, he skipped out as giddy as can be and closed the door. Ness, still in bed and his jammies, smelled the air and smiled.

"...Y'know what this calls for?" He asked his inanimate backpack near the edge of the room.

A Mr. Saturn popped out. "WhAT, ZoOM?"

"A sexy party!"

"YAy, BoINg!"

And so, the sexy party commenced! Complete with about 100 Mr. Saturns, ridiculous dancing, and prancing around!

In the Mario Room...

More than ready to go to lunch, a certain red plumber leaned on the door's frame, rubbing his temples in annoyance.

"Peach, come on. Why do you have to be so dead set on having your little girl time in here? Can't you get together somewhere else? 75 percent of this room belongs to guys, you know."

The princess refused. "Sorry, but this room is the most furnished in the house, so you, Luigi, and Bowser are just going to have to crash somewhere else until we're done."

"It's not that bad," soothed Sheik, reading a women's magazine on the ceiling. "We should be done before dinner."

"But that's six whole hours!"

("Too bad, so sad,") scoffed Jigglypuff, going through some lipstick in front of a mirror. ("With so many men in the tournament, us girls need to band together every now and again.")

Mario was about to retort when Bowser appeared. "Yo, Mario. Wanna go make fun of Luigi's incompetence, beat him up, and then chase him around in the Landmaster? Already asked Fox if I could borrow it."

He smiled as they walked off. "You know, if you'd quit stealing Peach all the time, I'm sure we'd be best buddies."

No sooner had he left, Lucas stuck his head in. "Well, hellooooooooo! Guess whoooooo?"

"Lukey!" squealed Peach, running over to hug him. "Hello! It's so nice to see you again! Aw, you're such a sweetie pie for coming! I thought you'd forget!"

"Of course I wouldn't! You know I always try to come through for you the best way I can! I'd feel like such a total jerk if I didn't..."

"Well, that's nice to know, because mean ol' Samus ducked out on us! She won't come because this 'isn't her style'."

Jigglypuff swelled herself in annoyance. ("I tried to invite Nana, but she doesn't think her makeover'll show through her outfit, so she's out, too. I mean, the nerve!")

Lucas gasped. "Oh, those party poopers! Well, I'll just make up for those two, while being myself at the same time! Don't worry; they're gonna hafta try a lot harder than that if they think they can spoil this for us!"

"Ohmigosh, you're our little hero!" She hugged him again. "Oh, what would we do if you weren't around to perk us up?"

Sheik hung upside down from the ceiling. "I suppose the time is nigh for us to start, then."

Jigglypuff skipped off. ("Ooh! I'll get the nail polish!")

Peach joined her. "I'll get the shampoo!"

Lucas did the same. "I'll get the chocolate!"

Jumping off the ceiling and turning back into Zelda, she pointed with a smile. "I like you. I really, really, really like you."

At lunch...

After having a nice sexy party in peace, Ness made his way to lunch in peace. He went through the lunch line in peace, and got way too much food in peace. Upon leaving, he kicked Wario's ass for trying to steal his tray in peace. Finally reaching the table in peace, he watched Bowser and Mario knock the snot out of Luigi while everyone else sat by and idly watched in peace. ...Things were so much more peaceful without Lucas around.

"Hey, Ness," greeted Toon Link. "...Uh, where's Lucas?"

"Getting his manhood removed."

His face soured in disgust. "...Really?"

"No. He never had it to begin with; you know that."

"...?" The toony kid couldn't have been more confused if he had amnesia.

Pikachu arrived late at the table, video camcorder in tow. ("'Sup, commoners?")

Nana pointed. "I know I'm gonna regret this, but what's with the camcorder?"

("Oh, this? Nothin'.") He turned it on, aiming it at Kirby happily chowing down. ("It's just for blackmailing purposes. Oh, and when we win the contest.")

"What contest?"

("The Family and Friends Contest.")

"What?"

He rolled his eyes and put down the camcorder. ("Ugh, the Family and Friends Contest MH is throwing for fan service purposes, cripes. Memos. On the billboard. One in every hallway of the house. Don't be like Ness. Read.")

She scoffed in disbelief. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

Kirby smiled. "Ooh, yay! Another contest! Do we get to be on teams again?"

("No, it's completely different. This time, there're only gonna be seven winners, and those winners get an awesome ode to them that I'm not gonna tell you because I'm an ass.")

Popo scratched his head. "But I thought you were a Pikachu."

"Arf, arf!" Strawberry-Limousine piped.

("...Do me a favor and stop being stupid for five minutes so we can hear the winners!")

As soon as he finished, Master Hand entered the room. "Good afternoon, Smashers! Hope you're having a good lunch! Now, as I said at breakfast, I've pulled all the winning names of the contest from this morning and I'm here to announce them! So, put down your forks, listen up, and Mario and Bowser, stop chasing Luigi around until I'm done!"

Everyone did so, even Mario and Bowser, despite their disappointment.

"Now, you guys entered by putting your Smash email addresses in a box, and I'm going to read what I pulled out! Ready? Let's start! First up is... outsetwindyguy!"

Toon Link meekly raised a hand. "...Um, that would be me."

Popo blinked. "Wha--? How'd you win? You didn't even enter! I remember, 'cuz I told you not to do it, 'cuz it was a scam and you wouldn't win!"

He shrugged. "Just lucky, I guess."

Master Hand continued. "And the next winner is... lilpinky92!"

Kirby gasped. "H-hey! That's me! How'd I win?! I didn't even enter!"

Pikachu knocked him over. ("Shh! Be quiet and let the guy finish! I swear...")

"Our third winner is Nessxisxthexbestx2006!"

Everyone sweatdropped and looked at Ness, who frowned.

"...Why's everyone lookin' at me? That's not my screen name!"

"Sheesh, are you really that arrogant?" asked Nana. "Talk about unoriginal; you're worse than Pikachu."

"I'm telling you, that's not me!"

"Then who else would have such a ridiculous name?"

"I don't know! I'm surprised Lucas didn't have a stupid--" He narrowed his eyes. "That dork."

"After that is iceprincessa!"

Nana perked up. "Oh. Hey, wow. That's me. Weird. I didn't even know there was a contest."

"Next, it's..." The hand sweatdropped as he read out each letter of the disjointed name. "hfhjfhbjfjefwjdolkjdeudj?"

Popo jumped up and down. "Hey! Ooh, ooh! Mine! I know that one's mine! Really!"

His partner frowned. "Popo, what kind of a screen name is that?"

"Well, I couldn't think of anything, so I just hit the keyboard with my hammer. I actually kinda like it! Don't you?"

"...No."

"Then we have SuperNinten199X!"

"Ooh, ooh!" Ness waved his arms around. "That's mine! That one's mine!"

Pikachu scoffed. ("Of course it's yours. Only an ass wouldn't know what year he went on an adventure.")

"At least I have a scope of when it happened, unlike you."

("The only reason I don't know is because it happens in a future so awesome, it can't even be written down in any amount of numbers. Yours is just plain stupid.")

"And, last but not least, we have PoKeTtOmOnSuTaA493!"

The mouse chuckled. ("Well, duh. Of course I'm a winner. Been that way since 1996.")

"Congratulations to all the winners for winning! Your prize for doing so is a free visit from three friends and as many family members as you want! Please write down the names and relations of those who you want to visit, and they'll be here by dinner! Isn't that exciting?!"

Everyone else twirled their fingers about. "Whoop dee doo."

"Excellent! Get to it, Smashers!" And with that, he left.

Ness frowned. "...So, that's it? What kind bogus of prize is that?"

("The kind of prize where we get to bring some random losers from home for a little visit. It's something called 'expanding our prowess'. Geez, are you as deaf as you are dumb?")

Nana made a face. "That doesn't make any sense! Why would MH go and do something crazy and random like that? The whole thing feels a bit tacked on to me."

("SSE Week went over so well, he wanted to make a good follow-up to it. It's not every day something so ridiculously outlandish and unnecessary goes over well here.")

"That may be true, but I, for one, still find this a bit offensive."

Popo snickered. "You're just saying that because you don't have anyone to invite."

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you not in the same boat, mister?"

"Oh, what do I care?" He fed Strawberry-Limousine a hot dog. "I really don't know what we're doing on that mountain anymore."

("Like I said earlier, it's more for money and fanservice purposes than anything else. Just go with the flow; it could always be worse...")

"What I wanna know is how we all won," said Toon Link. "I told you, I didn't enter!"

"Yeah, I didn't even know there was a contest," repeated Nana.

"I wasn't even here, so I didn't know, either... or care," said Ness, diving into his food.

Kirby blinked. "I knew there was gonna be a contest, but thought it was a scam, so I didn't enter."

"I don't even know what a contest is!" laughed Popo, Strawberry-Limousine happily sitting on his head.

("Then, you should all be thanking me for making up for your diverse, but still equally strong stupidity. I took out everyone else's names and put all ours in.")

"Wait a minute. You cheated? For all of us? Why?" questioned Nana.

He shrugged. ("Felt like it. What? A super star success can't do that?")

"I guess so, but I must say your motives are so sorely lacking."

He turned his nose up. ("Oh, who asked you, anyway? I did it, it's done, that's it, call your stupid friends and families and complain to them about how much you suck.")

Whether he wasn't listening or was too busy stuffing his face, Ness suddenly dropped his glass onto the floor, shattering it. "...What did you just say...?"

("What?")

He cleaned out an ear. "...W-what you just said... I-I think I heard you, but I... I don't know if it was you or the voices in my head again..."

Rolling his eyes, he turned to Nana again and repeated himself. ("Oh, who asked you, anyway? I did it, it's done, that's it, call your stupid friends and families and complain to them about how much you suck.")

"You did say it!" He jumped onto the table. "Do you know what this means?!"

("Something stupid, I'm sure.")

"It means I can finally call... her!" He clasped his hands together lovingly.

("Who, your mom?") snorted the mouse.

"Y'know what? I'm not gonna let your snide remarks bother me today, because today!" He slammed down a piece of paper on the table, pulling out a pen. "Will be the day you rue."

("Oh, boy. I'm really shaking over here.")

Annoyed at their nonsense, Nana changed the subject. "...Hey, where's Lucas? He needs to submit the names of his friends, right? As a matter of fact, I haven't seen him all day. He wasn't even here for breakfast."

Toon Link looked around cautiously. "...Don't tell anyone, but... I think Ness said he was getting his manhood removed. I know you guys like to screw around with me, so I'm not exactly sure what that means, but--"

She pouted, knowing exactly where he went. "Oh, that's nothing. I know where he is... You'd... rather not know."

He sweatdropped. "...I think you're right."

("Well, since Lucas is off doing who-cares-what, I guess we can fill in for him and invite some friends of his.") He looked around. ("...Anyone know who his friends are?")

"Uh, didn't he say yesterday he had a dog? That should count," said Toon Link.

Frowning, Pikachu turned to Ness. ("Hey, loser, you're closest to him. You know any--?")

Ness must've been suddenly possessed by Sonic or something, as he zoomed past everyone in the room, leaving a trail of fire behind him and sending tables, utensils, and Smashers flying everywhere.

("...Of course you don't. You don't know much of anything, do you? That's why you suck. I shouldn't have even asked.")

Nana sighed. "Kumatora, Duster, and Boney."

Popo blinked. "Are those Pokémon?"

"No, they're his friends. If you read up on him, like you were supposed to for all the Smashers, you'd know that. It's one of the main rules of qualification, you know."

("Nana, that rule isn't for important people like me.")

"Or me!" added Kirby. "...But I know one of his friends is a girl..."

Pikachu eyed him. ("...Is she hot?")

"Um, she's hotheaded..."

("Good enough!") He tossed Nana a pencil. ("Here. Write those guys' names down, but make sure you underline the girl's for more emphasis.")

"Now, hold on a min--!"

"Wow, who would've thunk Lucas knew a hot girl?" piped Toon Link. "Think she's nice?"

Kirby scratched his head. "Um... Maybe. I remember something about the girl, though... Something important..."

("Ooh! Maybe she puts out! Like Paula!")

Popo rolled his eyes. "Paula doesn't put out! Ness is just a pimp and doesn't want anyone to know it!"

("You're joking, right?")

He looked to Strawberry-Limousine, then rubbed his chin. "Wait... What?"

In Master Hand's office...

"Do you really think having this contest is a good idea?" asked Link, in there to receive the names of the winners' friends.

"Of course it is! This'll be the best contest since last year's Bring an Enemy to Work Week!"

He sweatdropped. "You realize that was a complete and total failure, right? And Crazy randomly deciding to join them didn't exactly help us, either."

"THEY SAID THEY'D GIVE ME CANDY IF I HELPED THEM, BUT THEY NEVER DID! AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Crazy Hand, throwing himself out a randomly-placed window.

The other hand ignored him. "So we almost got overthrown by a few out-of-control baddies; big deal. You guys beat them, and it all worked out. Plus, it was profitable, so I consider that a success."

He scoffed. "Whatever. I guess seven winners're better than 35 this time..."

Just then, Ness zipped in, trail behind him ablaze.

"Here!" he growled, slamming the smoking paper before Link. "Now, make it so!"

The hand looked at it and frowned. "Ness, you need to invite more people than that. At least three."

"I only want her to come! No one else! Just her, understand?!" He latched onto his palm threateningly. "Do you hear me?!"

"Yes, but I refuse to comply with your request until you comply with mine: three friends or no friends!"

"...Fine." He let go. "I'll play your sick, little game. I'll play it, and I'll win." He angrily scribbled down two other names. "Now, make it so!"

Link took the paper. "...You really, really need counseling."

Meanwhile, in the Mario Room...

Sitting in front of a mirror, Jigglypuff admired her newly-styled curl. ("Ah, nice, silky, and clean; just how it should it be! As always, you're the girl, Peach.")

"Oh, good! I'm glad you like it! You have no idea how hard it is to work with your kind of... do." She went over to Zelda. "Hey, Z. Pick out a hairdo yet?"

Wet hair wrapped in a towel, Zelda flipped through a hairstyle magazine. "Urgh, I just can't make up my mind. These are all so last Tuesday..."

"Ooh, why not try the freestyle with a loose braid at the end? I'm sure it'll not only bring out our features, but it'll round out your face, too!" suggested Lucas, filing his nails.

Peach sweatdropped. "That's what she had before..."

She smiled. "Perfect! I'll have one of those."

"But you had that when you came in..."

"Well, there's nothing quite like back to the basics, huh?"

The other princess shrugged it off. "Oh, whatever. Lemme get Lucas first. I swear, his hair dries so quickly, you'd think it aired itself out!"

He smiled creepily. "It did."

She made a face at his comment, but decided to let it slide because he was so darn cute. "...Speaking of which, you need something to spruce up your style a bit. Why, it's just too cute not to sprinkle a little flair on it!"

He giggled. "Ooh, you tease! I bet you say that to all the girls!"

She tickled him. "Only sweetie pies like you! Okay, enough of that, silly-willy! Now, let's see what we can do..."

"Oh, I was thinking maybe a little off the top here and there. Y'know, to keep the split ends at bay. Not like I have any, mind you."

"Aw, you always say that. Maybe Zelda likes going with the same old hairdo, but you just looked so plain and mundane earlier! I think you should try something a little more... ravishing!"

He happily clapped his hands together. "Ooooh, I love ravishing! I wanna be ravishing! Make me ravishing!"

"Goodie! Then, let's go with something sweet, cute, and subtle. Just like your personality! How about a bow?"

"Nah, you know narrow-minded the guys are. They'll throw a fit if they catch me wearing that."

"Oh, come on! Don't be a stick in a mud! Show off your style, and be proud of it! We'll handle any losers who dare mess with it!"

"...I dunno. Remember when I tried the flower?"

"Well, at least Bowser missed and set Wario's head on fire instead... Besides, that's old news! C'mon! You know you wanna. Just this once, okay? If you don't like it, I'll take it off before you leave, all right?"

"...You promise?"

"I promise!"

"Well..." He smiled. "Ooooh, okay! I'll do it, but don't go overboard this time! Make it subtle! I want to look ravishing, not like a completely different person!"

"Oooooooh, I'm gonna have fun with this!" she laughed, scratching her fingers through his hair. "Jigglypuff, be a dear and grab a ribbon from the bureau!"

"And make it pink! I'm feeling a little devious now..." added Lucas, twiddling his thumbs.

"Good call!" squealed Peach, shaking his shoulders. "Ooh, you're such a bundle of wet kisses! Why can't all guys be like you?!"

Back at lunch...

Pikachu filed the papers together. ("Okay, we got all the names. Now someone go give them to MH so we can this mess over with.")

At that moment, Ness came back. "H--"

("No. Now make yourself useful and go give these to MH.")

"WTF? Do it yourself! I just got back from seeing the guy!" He crossed his arms. "Him and his damn rules and regulations..."

"You didn't go psycho on him again, did you?" sighed Nana.

He pouted. "...Maybe a little, but he had it coming."

"Oh, whatever," she scoffed, taking the papers from Pikachu. "I'll do it myself, before we all get thrown into another dimension, or something."

As she left, Ness resumed sitting. "So, uh... Who'd you guys invite?"

("None of your beeswax,") huffed Pikachu, deciding to fiddle with his camcorder again. ("All of you should already know who they are, so you'll see when they get here.")

"I called some old buddies of mine," said Kirby, "but I don't wanna spoil it, so you'll just have to wait!"

Toon Link shrugged. "Same here... I guess."

Popo fed Strawberry-Limousine some bacon. "...We won a contest?!"

He sweatdropped. "And Lucas?"

("Hell if I know, but we covered for him, the lazyass. Heard he's got a hot girl coming.")

Ness blinked in shock. "...Did you say, 'hot girl'?"

("Yes, if you can bother to comprehend that.")

A smile spread across his face. "Well, looks like Lucas has been holding out on us..."

"What do you mean?" asked the puffball.

"Isn't it obvious?!"

Crickets chirped in response, everyone looking totally out of it, save Pikachu, who was tuning the camcorder.

"...Guys, Lucas has... a girlfriend!"

Everyone at the table gasped, several drinks and foods being dropped in the process.

"Psst!" Popo tugged on Pikachu. "What's a girlfriend?"

The mouse glared. ("Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?")

"Not until four. Why?"

"Ha!" Ness crossed his arms smugly. "I knew it! All that girly-girly stuff was probably just a ruse so he could get all the girls here to like him! No way a fellow counterpart could actually be so naturally feminine!"

Toon Link bit his lip. "...I wouldn't put it past him..."

Pikachu peered through the camcorder. ("News flash, Ness: nobody cares. You're probably planning on stealing her from him, anyway.")

"Says the guy who's actually gonna do it! News flash, Pikachu: I already have a girlfriend, and I bet she's way hotter than Lucas'!"

He lowered the camcorder. ("...Dude! We should get them into a girlfight! Oh, that'd kick more ass than my game sales!")

"My girl's not into that, so good luck with it."

("Fine.") He raised the camcorder again. ("Then, both their bodies shall be mine to ogle and snuggle into as much as I see fit.")

Upon finishing that statement, Pikachu's camcorder went sailing through the air, landing in a less-than-surprised Nana's arms, who just returned from Master Hand's office in time to see Ness dive across the table and the tackle to cocky rat to the floor.

Authoress' Notes: Hooray, another contest, another two-parter, another fit of insanity!