Chapter 21

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." H.P. Lovecraft

Previously:

At some point Carlisle stepped in front of me and shocked me and the whole hospital staff that was looking on by grabbing my arms and screaming my name to get my attention. "BELLA! Listen to me." I instantly shut up. It was also the first time that Carlisle had ever raised his voice with me. "He can help him Bella. He can bring him back."

I didn't register what he had said at first but once it sunk in I found myself conflicted. I tried to speak but it felt like all the words I had kept getting caught in my throat and I couldn't get them out. I was completely furious that Carlisle would let him anywhere near Edward after I specifically asked him not to. Dr. Morisson was the reason Edward was lying in that bed lifeless and hooked up to a ventilator, everything inside of me demanded me to scream at him and tell him exactly what I thought of him. How I would never forgive him for taking my husband away from me, from our children. But instead I found myself whispering "What are you talking about?" to Carlisle once I was finally able to form words.

Instead of answering me, he turned to Dr. Morisson and nodded his head, letting him know that it was okay to tell me whatever it is he needed to tell me. He cleared his throat and loosened his tie, clearly nervous, before speaking. "With Carlisle's permission, I was able to run some test on Edward.." Before he could even finish speaking I interrupted him. "What do you mean with Carlisle's permission? What about my permission? I'm his wife damn it, and I made it very clear that I didn't want you near him!" "BELLA! Just listen." Carlisle yelled at me for the second time. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit Edward clearly inherited from his father. He was becoming impatient with me, I could tell.

"Look I'm sorry that I went behind your back for this Bella but you know I wouldn't have if I didn't believe that it would be beneficial. Please Bella, just listen to him. That's all I'm asking. Just hear him out." For once, in all the years that I had known him, Carlisle looked like an old man. Where he had always looked young for his age I suddenly noticed the wrinkles that had formed on his forehead, the bags under his eyes, and the various gray strands of hair that I was sure weren't there a month ago and I realized that I couldn't remember the last time that I had seen him outside of this hospital building. He had been here days on end for the last month trying to do whatever he could for Edward and Jasper.

"Please, just listen to him Bells." He begged. I thought about it for a few seconds before finally nodding my head for the doctor to continue. I would listen to whatever shit he had to say but only for Carlisle. I had every intention of telling him just how much I hated him as soon as he was finished talking. He reached for his tie one more time before averting his eyes to rest on anything that wasn't my face. "Upon reviewing the results of the tests that I ran, I found that Edwards's brain activity has decreased from the last time he was tested." He paused, waiting for me to take it in.

I wouldn't show it but my legs started to feel weak and my breathing hitched. We all knew that this might happen. The doctors warned us that we had limited time with him before his brain shut down completely, his body following closely behind it. I just didn't expect it to be this fast. Suddenly I was scared of what he had to say next. He took a few more breaths before continuing. "At this rate, if his brain activity levels continue to drop, he will be completely brain dead within the next 3-4 weeks. You'll then be given the opportunity to take him off of life support." I held up one hand and wrapped the other around my torso signaling for him to stop. I couldn't think of him that way. My chest immediately ached at the thought of never being able to see him again, even if he didn't remember me. It felt as though I was going to crumble at any minute. "Where exactly does 'you can bring him back' come in?" I said with my eyes squeezed shut, trying to get a hold of the nausea that was threatening to spill out of me.

"I was also able to match him to an experimental procedure that just might save his life. We would have to open up his skull again…" At some point I think I stopped listening to Dr. Morisson as he went through all the proceedings of the surgery, throwing tons of words at me that I didn't understand. All I heard was that he would ultimately be going back into Edwards's brain and that terrified me beyond words. How much could he possibly endure before his body gave up?

"You said 'experimental'. What does that mean?" I asked as I tried to catch my breath. "Well it means that it hasn't been performed that often. That doctors are still trying to perfect the method for better results. But Edward is a perfect candidate for the procedure which greatly enhances the survival rate for him." "And what exactly is the survival rate for this procedure?" I asked. He was silent for a moment before looking to Carlisle for approval. Carlisle turned to me and said "We have to remember Bella that this might be our only shot at getting him back. You heard him, we only have 3-4 weeks at the most to do something, or else we lose him forever. I don't want to lose my son Bells. I can't." His voice was frantic and I could see the unshed tears that were threatening to fall down his face.

"What is the survival rate Carlisle?" I demanded again. He hung his head before whispering "15 percent." I immediately started shaking my head, astounded that he would actually consider subjecting his son to something so risky. How could he expect me to agree to let my husband to participate in a procedure where his death was almost guaranteed? "Are you kidding me Carlisle? You want me to agree to have him cut Edwards head open YET AGAIN when there's not even a guarantee that he'll survive!" "Bella without the surgery he'll be dead in less than a month anyway. This is our only opportunity to save him. If we don't do SOMETHING, and fast we'll have to bury him Bella. Is that what you want?"

I never planned on slapping Carlisle, never even thought about it actually. He was like a father to me and I held so much respect for him. But when he said those words all I saw was red. I couldn't really see from the tears that were beginning to cloud my vision but I heard it. Everyone on that hospital floor heard it. The sound of skin on skin was deafening in that hallway.

"How dare you say that to me Carlisle. How dare you accuse me of wanting to bury my husband." My voice was low and cracking and I was no longer trying to hide the tears, I didn't have the energy left to even try. The anger I held at him in this very moment consumed me, making no room for anything else inside of me. He was silent as his eyes stayed trained on the floor. He looked stunned and after a few seconds I could see the shame creep up from within him and settle itself in the new wrinkles that had formed. In a matter of about ten seconds I watched as he aged another ten years. One for every second that had passed.

"Bella…I…" He trailed off. "You what Carlisle? Your sorry. Well you can take that sorry, and Dr. Morisson, and shove them both cause I don't want to hear anything else about either one of them." I turned to walk away. I got about four steps away before I turned back to face Dr. Morisson "And you stay the hell away from my husband or I'll see to it that you never perform another surgery a day in your miserable life."

I didn't stay to watch his reaction. I needed to breath and being in their presence was suffocating me. Before I knew it I found myself face to face with the door to Edwards room but I couldn't open it. My hand was rested on the doorknob but I just couldn't find it in me to actually open the door. All the things Dr. Morisson had said came crashing back and gnawed at my chest to get in. At this rate, if his brain activity levels continue to drop, he will be completely brain dead within the next 3-4 weeks. You'll then be given the opportunity to take him off of life support.

My whole chest began to feel as though it was caving in as those words echoed throughout my brain unwillingly. I felt the pain of it being cracked open as my knees gave out and I sunk closer and closer to the ground clutching at my heart the whole way there. All that left my mouth was one lone sob that escaped, lasting for what seemed like forever. It dragged on until my lungs ached from the lack of oxygen and my body finally forced itself to take in a breathe. One that hurt like hell and was only followed by more frequent and tinier sobs.

My eyes became so clouded with tears that I couldn't even see my own hands anymore so instead of trying to keep them open I closed them tight and began to pray to whatever God was listening. I was begging him not to take my husband away. I was cursing him for giving me something so amazing as a man who loved me unconditionally and them taking him away from me without a reason. Away from his children.

That's exactly how Esme found me. Hunched over in from of Edwards room, breathless from sobs that had taken way too long to be free. I felt her hand on my back as she knelt down beside me. Nothing but love radiated itself from her touch and it broke my heart even more. She had been a godsend through this whole thing. Picking up where I had slacked of with Sammy and Lilly.

Just thinking about them had brought about a whole new round of sobs. They were my world. Everything in me breathed for them and yet, I couldn't remember the last time I actually talked to them. I spent most nights here with Edward while they spent most nights there with Esme. Everything I had taken pride in before, making them breakfast, getting them from school, tucking them in at night, all of it was now Esme's.

"You've been numb for far to long Bella, just let it out." Esme said as I fell into her and buried my head into her lap. Her voice was thick was tears and I knew that this was breaking her heart just as it was breaking mine right now. I was losing my husband but she would be the one to lose her son. Just the thought of me ever going through with Sammy what she's going through right now with Edward took my breath away and I felt an inch of the countless miles of pain that no doubt had made its home within her soul.

Her strength astonished me. How she could not only hold herself up but be there to pick up everyone else was a mystery to me. I could have never done it. I can't even keep myself afloat let alone try to save everyone else. I was beginning to realize just how weak I was. Sitting here in her lap made me feel inadequate and unworthy. How could Edward had loved someone so weak?

"I can't lose him. I can't lose him." I cried out once I was able to put words together. "I know honey, I know." She whispered as she stoked my head. We stayed like that for God knows how long. Never once worrying about the people who would walk by and shake their heads in pity. Never once did she suggest we move or God forbid go into Edwards room and for that I was grateful. She held me until my head felt like it had exploded and the darkness took over.

My dreams were dark. Filled with loneliness and fear. Edwards face never appeared but his voice was everywhere. Telling me he loved me, that he wanted to come home. I wanted that too. He couldn't imagine just how much I wanted that too. But his voice kept getting further and further away. And so I would run after it time and time again. And just when I thought I might be getting close he was in a whole new direction. His voice getting lower and lower each time. I ran like my life depended on it but I couldn't bring him back.

I couldn't do it.

"Bells, are you awake?" It was Emmett's voice this time. He sounded worried. "What are you doing here?" I asked as I brought my hand up to rub the sleep out of my eyes. "Esme asked me to come look after you. She had to get back in time to get the kids from school." Another pang of guilt rang through me. My kids. As I opened my eyes and finally made sense of where I was the events of earlier today came rushing back. "Did you bring me home?" I asked realizing that I was in my own bed for a change and Emmett had brought a chair from the kitchen and was sitting next to me. "Yeah, I figured you needed some sleep."

"How are you feeling?" He asked awkwardly. "Like and idiot." I whispered. "I hit your father." I groaned, ashamed of my actions. "Yeah he told me." He chuckled. "Said he was actually impressed. He also wanted me to tell you that he apologizes for what he did. He never meant to hurt you." "I didn't mean to hurt him either Em. I was just so angry." I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes again but I promised myself that I wouldn't let Emmett see me cry.

We sat there in silence for a few moments and I realized just how much I missed Emmett's presence. He had been so distant with everyone ever since he came home from the hospital. I knew it was tearing Rose apart to see him hurting this much without being able to do anything about it. And I knew it was hurting Josh and Abby to see him like this.

He tried to return to the fire house but they sent him home multiple times because they felt as though he needed more time to recover from that day. Even they saw that Emmett wasn't really here. He was still stuck in the rubble trying his hardest to come home. They sent him on medical leave and replaced him with a guy named Mike. Rose said he's only at he house during the day, when she's at work and the kids are at school. She doesn't know where he was spending his nights.

"Where have you been Em?" I whispered. He looked up at me and looked me in the eyes for the first time in weeks. The sadness there was so deep you could get lost in it. That must be where he's been, getting lost in his sadness. He stared at me a few more seconds before he dropped his head and looked away, not answering my question.

"Why won't you give Edward the surgery Bells?" His voice was so low that I almost thought I imagined it. His eyes were still on the floor and he had taken to playing with his fingernails. Something he knew always annoyed me. "15 percent." I sighed. "That's why."

"What about zero percent?" He asked as I turned to look at him. "Because that's what you'll be giving him if he doesn't get the surgery." Deep down I knew he was right, but my mind didn't want to believe it. Selfishly, I wanted those last few weeks with him. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him and I doubted I would be 4 weeks from now but any time is better than no time. "I can't say goodbye just yet." I said.

"Maybe you wouldn't have to, if you'd just give him a chance. Edward is stronger than this Bella, all you have to do is give him a chance to prove it to you." He pleaded. "And what if he isn't Emmett? What if he dies on the table? What then? You wanna be the one to tell my kids that it's my fault their father is dead?" I said raising my voice. "You know, the Bella I knew, would have never doubted her husband like this." He said shaking his head. "And the Emmett I knew would have never pushed his family away like this." I countered.

He took a moment before standing and walking towards the door. He stopped once he got to the hinges and turned around. "Yeah well he died in the towers on September 11th. Don't let Edward die there too." And with that he was gone. I faintly heard the front door shut and heard his car pull out of the driveway. I was alone. Something I haven't been in a while. I spent every moment by Edwards side.

What would he think if he knew I was giving up on him like this. What would he say if he knew I was taking away the life he could have had with his family. With me. With the kids. I felt my heart skip a beat and my breathing halt as I remembered they baby growing inside of me. His baby. The one he would never get the chance to meet if I didn't give him this chance. The one who would never get to know its father. A whole life they could have had together, taken away by my selfishness.

I was being selfish. I was holding on to my fear and doubts and Edward was suffering the most because of it. I promised Edward on our wedding day that I would never stop fighting for him and look at me know. Weak and falling apart. I was scared. Edward consumed every piece of soul that wasn't occupied by our children and having that ripped away from me scared me shitless. I didn't know how to exist without him. He was always the one to pick me up and hold me there no matter what. I couldn't fathom not having him anymore. I wanted to put off goodbye for as long as possible. But none of this was about me.

I rested my hand on my growing stomach and closed my eyes. No this wasn't about me at all.

I stood up and found my purse on the table in the kitchen. I rummaged through it before I found what I was looking for. Before giving myself anymore time to be weak I dialed Carlisle's number and waited for him to pick up. It took two rings before I heard his 'hello' from the other end. I took a deep breath and ignored the ache in my chest.

"You can tell Dr. Morisson he has my permission to do the surgery."

I was finally able to get this chapter done and I wanted to get it out there. Again, so much thanks to those who continue to read. I know where this story is going and I know I will finish it. It just might take me a little time. I appreciate all of you and I hope you enjoyed!

-Much Love and Thanks-