Notes from Mama Lobster: SS, you flatter me so. And thank you everyone reading! Casey is about to have an adventure. Let's watch.

Named for Cake. Probably not the kind you eat, though.

Where Would I Be?

== Be Casey

You are Casey Egbert, and you don't know how you ended up in such a horrible place.

Uncle Dave must have been robbed. The door was open and there was broken glass on every surface. Not that there were many surfaces other than the floor. All of his furniture was either broken or gone, with the exception of an empty makeshift bed on a worn-down couch.

There is a noise from the bathroom. Something else has broken, something glass. You shake. Are the robbers still here? Should you run? Should you call for help?

You call for Dave, because you know that he will save you.

== Be Dave

You are Dave Strider, and the cry you hear just about makes you shit your pants. The powder that should be in your body and mind right now is scattered over your feet, piling on the floor.

You panic for a moment. Jade just called for you, trying to guard her chest from your feet while shielding her broken hand. She shouts and she retches and oh gog do you want to help, but your hand is bleeding and your mind is gone into a blur of fear and adrenaline and you're shaking too hard to even hold yourself up fuck fuck fuck the noise she makes with your heel through her stomach-

She screams again. "Uncle Dave!"

And something inside you clicks.

== Dave: Return to the apartment

Your bathroom floor is cold but welcome. The heat was shut off last month, you remember vaguely as you grope for the last of your stash. No wait, you shouldn't be doing that right now. Why shouldn't you be doing that right now?

Because there is a five year old girl in your hellhole of an apartment.

Shit.

No, it'll be fine, your Bro can pick her up and get her out. Or he could if he wasn't staying upstairs, where there was still heat and electricity.

Where the fuck do you go from here?

== Be Casey

You have to walk carefully here. Everything is broken and painful looking, and your little sandals are hardly enough to protect your feet from the remnants of a television lying in the hallway. Dave hasn't come for you yet. It's so strange. When you were little, he was always right there when you called. Especially when you were scared. You always got the feeling he was a little bit scared too. He understood.

Daddy, Jade, and Dirk said that Dave needed their help this time. Maybe he's even more scared than you are.

You put on a brave face and keep going. You love your Uncle Dave and there is no way you are going to let him be scared all alone. Even though he is a grownup and you are a kid, you know that this is something you can do.

== Be Dave

The soft footsteps are getting closer, and you still can't pull yourself off the bathroom floor. There might be a cut on your head, judging from the stinging pain and your blurred vision. Fuck, why is she here? Where's John? What the hell kind of father drops his little girl off with her deadbeat, addict uncle, anyway?

No. Don't think about John right now, not when you're so close to sober. You know what happens when you think about John.

John is not here. John won't help you, and he won't kill you, and his daughter is here right now so you need to pull yourself the fuck together and get her out.

You gather the last of your strength, elbows shaking as you push off the cold tile. You only have a moment to wonder when it was that you got so much weaker until Casey is in your doorway.

The way she looks at you, with those terrified eyes... She's watching you bleed. She's watching you bleed and shake and struggle towards her on wobbly knees. Why the FUCK can't you get yourself together and where the FLYING FUCK is John?

Your strength is gone, but you think fast. You cover your fall in a hug, wrapping your arms around her as your knees hit the ground once again. Maybe she didn't notice how badly you were shaking.

"Hey Casemaster."

== Be Casey

All you can feel is Uncle Dave shaking around you. You don't know what to do. This is scary, and you really want your Dad right now. Dad's hugs are never scary, they're stable and warm and maybe he was right about not being able to fix this.

Uncle Dave is really small now, you notice, and his skin is cold and sticky. When you two used to play he was so big, even bigger than Daddy. He would put you on his shoulders and you knew that this was the top of the world, the tallest you could ever be on the shoulders of the strongest, sturdiest base a girl could ever hope to have.

He's saying something, but it's really quiet and you can't understand. There is a big shudder and you can feel his stomach tighten. Is he gonna throw up?

No, he just coughs a little. When he speaks again it's a little clearer.

"Where's your dad?"

You are a little sad. Isn't he happy to see you? He could at least ask how you are. You came all the way here by yourself to help him out, and he just keeps coughing and shaking. He's supposed to pick you up now.

"He's not here. I came by myself."

Uncle Dave tenses up around you, and you can't help but tense up too.

== Be Dave

You need that line so badly right now it hurts. Every cell in your body is fighting the sobriety that is rapidly overtaking you, and all you can feel is the shame. Fuck, you don't want to feel that.

You are a monster wrapped around a little girl, you realize. At any moment you could snap and break her neck.

She really can't be here right now. She can't be here ever.

You scramble away from her as fast as your weakened legs will let you. There is a look of hurt on her face, and you know it would take exactly 2.3 seconds to get over to that pile of white on the floor and make it all go away. No, she can't see you do that. You have to deal with her first. But fuck, you can't touch her. You can't let her walk out on her own, with the broken glass and booby-trapped furniture everywhere. You lost that needle last week, what if she finds it?

The panic is creeping up again. You are helpless. You will only hurt her, no matter what you do. Where did you put that phone?

== Be Casey

Uncle Dave tosses you a phone. He won't look at you, won't pick you up to carry you over the debris. Does he hate you now?

== Be Dave

You know you are sober when you can hear Casey whisper to her dad, like she is afraid to startle you. He's yelling on the other line. Hysterical almost. The last time you heard him so panicked…

"Why?"

Like John ever could have understood. That's just fucking funny right there.

"The day that you decide to get yourself some help, I'll be there."

Just the memory of the phrase sends you into a rage you don't fully understand. You need to smash shit, you need to not feel anymore, you need to forget, and fuck if you don't need to be someone else right now.

Casey jumps away from you as you leap from the couch. In a brief moment you consider shoving her out of the way, launching past her to get to that pretty white line you left on the bathroom floor. It would only take 5.8 seconds.

Then you realize, once again, that you are a monster.

== Be Casey

Your Uncle Dave is scaring you. He is staring at you like he wants you to be gone. Like he wants you to die right there. He's so skinny and pale now. You remember when he was tall and big and safe, and when he loved you back.

Daddy is calming down now. He's coming to pick you up real soon.

== Be Dave

Casey is looking like she is afraid of you again. You can't blame her. You are just as terrified of yourself right now. She is so close and so small, and right now she is standing between you and the release you so desperately need.

She hangs up the phone with John. The anxiety builds in your mind.

Keep it cool, Strider.

You are not doing a great job of keeping it cool. The worry is creeping out of your mind, into the speed of your heartbeat and the knot in your chest. The apartment is blurry, but you have to focus. She is so much smaller than Jade, if you hurt her…

Don't think about that.

She was so broken on the floor holy fuck is she dead oh god oh god oh god you want to be sick again.

No. Control it. Breathe through it.

Casey is in the same place. How could Casey possibly survive when she can't even defend herself like Jade could don't do it don't do it don't do it fuck please stop bleeding stop you don't want to see it anymore you don't want to hurt her make it stop make it stop make it stop…

== Be Casey

Uncle Dave is crying so loudly, and you don't know what to do. You haven't seen anyone cry quite like this. He doesn't sound very much like a person.

You know now it was a bad idea for you to come. Maybe you did this to him.

You want to run, but there is nowhere to go. Daddy would get so mad if you left before he got there.

Daddy

What does Daddy do when you get sad?

== Be Dave

Your cool is gone. Whatever was left of it is gone. Maybe it's better like this. You could scare Casey away from you and she'd be safe there. She would be happy.

You could never be happy like that, you think. The sound of your crying is both intensely personal and very far away. Someone in your body, sharing your mind, is yelling and in pain, but it is not you.

And someone else is petting your hair. It's too firm to be soothing, but you know that it's not hostile.

Casey smiles and continues to pat you just a little too hard. Her smile grows when she sees that you are looking up at her.

Suddenly you are very aware of how tight your face feels. There are no tears falling, you are far too dehydrated for that, but dried blood is cracking on your eyebrow. Casey doesn't seem bothered by it. Maybe it's been there the whole time.

Casey just keeps smiling at him.

"It's gonna be alright, you know."

You don't know, actually.

"You are my best Uncle Dave and you are gonna get through this ok!"

No you are not.

"Because you need to come back and play with me again, and you can't do that if you're sick!"

Something about the innocence in this phrase catches you off guard.

Innocence.

There's something you haven't dealt with in a while. You think of when you and John were young, trusting each other blindly behind a computer screen. That one time when you told him about that awesome tree fort you lived in with Nicolas Cage, and he believed you, because that's just the sort of kid he was.

She really does look just like him. Except for her mother's pretty yellow hair; she looks just like her dad.

You remember when Jade looked at you the same way that Casey did, with complete trust and love. It wasn't all that long ago, maybe a year or two. The last time she looked at you she couldn't see out of her left eye.

You love them all so much.

Why on earth do they put up with you? Why do they ever bother?

== Be Casey

Uncle Dave doesn't look like he's really seeing you anymore. He's looking at you, yeah, but he's not really listening. You tell him all about how awesome he is, and how much you like riding on his shoulders, and how Auntie Jade cries in her sleep because she misses him. You tell him that he is the best Uncle ever, even if he got robbed. That's ok, because he's Uncle Dave and he can fix it.

He is seeing you again. He heard it. He's listening.

== Be Dave

You sure as hell heard it.

"Fix it"

It sounds like a command in your mind. Casey is ordering you. She knows what you need to do next and she won't rest until you do it.

Maybe that's not how she meant it. You couldn't really hear that well through the buzzing in your ears. The headache is there, and you realize you have been scratching again. Stop that, she'll get scared.

"Fix it" she says again. You have no idea what came before or after, but she's given her command.

You lean into her hand, allowing her to grab a fistful of your filthy hair. You hear how grossed out she is, vaguely. It's been a long time since you've had a shower, and you have to be pretty nasty by now.

You don't know if you can ever clean up again, but fuck if you won't at least try.