Chapter Twenty: To speak your fears aloud.
Berkley Castle, England
Dec 2010
It's over afternoon tea which she is once again having with Richard, that Brennan unexpectedly confides everything that has been bottled up inside her the last few months. Normally she is such a private person, and so guarded with her emotions, so used to hiding them beneath her overly rational, detached persona that it's only to those closest to her that she ever opens up.
She had not intended to spill her guts to Richard Berkley, but she doesn't really 'talk' to Booth anymore and certainly not on this subject, and she knows if she tells Angela, her friend will only end up hurting for her – so not wanting to see pity in her friends eyes she's shared nothing of the emotional devastation Hannah's existence has wrought on her. With Richard however there is a safety net, he's a world apart from her normal life, knows none of the players in the drama – well except for her, and as a man dealing with a broken heart can relate personally to her plight.
His kindness and his gentle, generous nature have bonded the two of them and so when he asks her more about her fascination with the love story of his ancestors, suddenly and somewhat cathartically it just all comes out.
Pouring her a second cup of tea, Richard also refills his own cup and as he relaxes back in his chair her inquires conversationally, "So you must tell me Temperance, apart from your physical resemblance to Therese, what is it about her and Sebastian that calls to you so?"
Booth. She answers in her head, immediately. Then knowing that her answer would be without context for Richard she re-thinks and then speaks.
"You've read my books haven't you Richard?"
The Earl inclines his head, a genuine smile of sincere fondness on his face. "Every one. I told you already that I'm a very big fan, I wasn't offering Spanish coin my dear, I really do love them."
Brennan smiles back at him. "Thank you. I don't suppose you've ever read the dedication at the start of my second, and also my third novel?"
The Earl answers immediately. "To my partner and friend, Special Agent Seeley Booth."
Brennan nods. "Exactly. Booth has been my partner for the last six years. He's the one I depend on, my rock I suppose, the one person who's always been there, the one who explains pop culture and takes bullets intended for me. The one who solves my parents disappearance, brings me food late at night, makes Christmas special again." She trails off.
Richard is quick to pick up her meaning. "He's your best friend."
Oh he's so much more than that she thinks. "Yes. And while I look like Therese, exactly like her, Booth is the living image of Sebastian."
Richard's eyes flare in surprise. "Sebastian! Agent Booth is Bastian's double while his partner is Therese's? Now that really is fascinating, Temperance. Tell me, what did Agent Booth say when you told him?"
Her heartbreak visible in her face, Brennan replies. "I haven't told him. He doesn't know about them."
The Earl looks puzzled. "Why would you not share such a unique discovery with your partner? I don't understand my dear."
And it's here, right here, that the Hoover dam inside her breaks, her feelings spilling out in a jumble of words that need to be spoken aloud; voiced, born into reality instead of shut away, festering inside her.
"Because Sebastian and Therese were in love; they lived entirely for each other and each other only, and a year or so ago the same could almost have been said about Booth and I, even though we have never been lovers. Then Booth asked me to be more than his partner, he told me he'd always known that we were destined to spend our lives together and fool that I am, I refused him. I allowed fears that I'd end up losing him if our relationship turned romantic, to get the better of me. I told him no; and I should have said yes. Now he's moved on and our partnership isn't the same and he's in love with someone else, he's living with someone else, and when I can't stand to watch it anymore I'm going to lose him anyway. It's my fault . . . but . . ."
Richard leans forward in his chair; one hand reaches across the table and grasps hers. His eyes are kind, empathy for her distress shining bright. "But what?" he asks gently.
Brennan takes a deep breath before she continues in unsteady tones. "Booth gave up on me. And Booth never gives up. He really didn't fight me on my refusal at all, and he should have. Because he's the one who believes in love, believes it can last a lifetime, and tells me there is someone I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. If he really believed that person was him, then why didn't he try harder to prove it to me? I messed up, I know I did, but so did he. Sebastian never quit on Therese, not once, even when she left him he had faith in their love; I guess I'm so drawn to them, because they had the happy ending I'm still waiting for. Theirs was the ending I need to believe in."
The Earl smiles at her softly. "Your ending isn't written yet Temperance. You should tell Agent Booth all of this. If he knew you'd changed your mind, maybe that's all the information he would need to give you want you want."
Brennan shakes her head, eyes shining with unshed tears. "He's in love with someone else, and he's happy. I won't make a mess of that, I can't."
Richard's grip on her hand tightens. "Because you love him."
She nods. "I need him to be happy; but I still want him to choose me. And I think most of all I want him to choose me by himself, because he realizes I'm the one. Because if he really has always known that, then in the end there would be no other choice he could make. Is that foolish?"
Richard shakes his head. "No my dear girl, that's not foolish at all." Giving her hand one final squeeze he releases it and sits back. "Let Bastian and Therese give you hope Temperance. I've always believed that if their story said anything, it spoke of not just love, but of having faith in love, even in the face of adversity, when everything, everyone around you would tell you otherwise. Right now you're finding that faith hard to come by, so borrow some of Sebastian's and continue to believe that Agent Booth will find his way."
Brennan finds a smile. "It's not rational, but I really do want to believe that."
Richard laughs. "Dear girl, don't you know there is nothing rational about love!"
In her head she hears something Avalon Harmonia once told her. 'My cards tell me only your top layer is rational, underneath your as nutty as I am!' Her smile widens.
"I believe I have heard that Richard, and thank you."
"For what?" He asks, looking puzzled.
She shrugs. "For listening, for reassuring. I didn't realize how much I needed to talk about it, to let it out. I'm not good with feelings."
The Earl shakes his head. "Your books belie that Temperance. There is plenty of emotion in your writing, and it's both beautifully written and articulately expressed. In your work, with what you do, you're used to distancing yourself from your emotions so as not to cloud your judgment. I imagine it's hard to turn that on and off. It's not that you're not good with feelings, you've just learned to tune them out, to act as if they were almost irrelevant I mean."
It sounds like something Booth would tell her, and it helps.
"Do you still believe Richard? In love." She asks, suddenly curious.
He looks thoughtful for a moment, and then he says simply. "I do. Despite my personal experience, I have always been surrounded by it. My parents, my grandparents, my sisters' and of course Bastian and Therese too, I've found that though I may doubt, I never really lose faith in its power." He pins her with his gaze, pure and sincere. "And neither should you."
From your lips to Booth's ears she thinks as she takes a sip of tea, sitting in companionable silence with her newest friend.
Washington, D.C
Dec 2010
Back in the states it's time for Booth to return home. He's given Hannah three full 'Booth-free' days to remove her things from the apartment, and now that he's finally gone back there the place looks once more as if she never was. Looks can be deceiving, and the fall-out from his relationship with Hannah has yet to be addressed. Following their break-up, he's tried a couple of times to call Brennan, but just as the call is about to go through he finds himself hanging up. Frustrated. He can't do this over the phone he thinks, he can't put this right, or tell her he still loves her – that he never, ever stopped – or ask her to forgive him for not fighting harder, if he can't look into her beautiful face while he tells her. She needs to see the love in eyes again, to see him bare his soul to her, no pretenses, no distance. She needs to be in his arms while he begs for another chance, and tells her that no matter her answer he'll wait. That he has no choice but to wait. That he'd wait forever, because to him she's worth it.
So this means he needs to book himself on a flight to England, after he arranges to get some time off – not an easy task with the holidays rapidly approaching and no real holiday days left to him. Plus the flights right now are in his mind stupid expensive, again due to the upcoming holidays, and not that it matters, he doesn't honestly care how much money this costs him, but he still has to finance it. Plus a car rental and a hotel stay, and explain to Parker that he'll try to be home for Christmas but that right now he has to put Bones first.
He starts with that. Picking Parker up from Rebecca's for the weekend, he confesses to her that he and Hannah have gone their separate ways. Rebecca doesn't seem the least surprised.
"Took her long enough to figure it out though." She comments
"Figure what out Bec?" He asks.
Rebecca smiles at him like he's a simpleton or something. "That you'd never be hers Seeley, because your heart belongs to Temperance. How is Temperance taking this by the way?"
He sighs. "She's in England, she doesn't know yet. And I need to talk to you about that actually."
"About Temperance being in England?" Rebecca looks confused.
"About me needing to go to England, as soon as I can arrange it, to beg her if necessary to forgive me. I screwed up Bec, and now I have to fix it. I'm there as soon as I can go, but I don't know how long I'm going to be gone, and if I can't make it back for Christmas then I can't have Parker. I don't want to miss another Christmas with him, but I have to put Bones first right now. I have too." Deep brown eyes full of worry plead for understanding.
Rebecca smiles. "Do what you have to do. Parker will understand if you tell him why you're going – kid adores her you know."
An easy grin lights Booth's face. "I always said like father, like son. I'll tell him tonight."
So over pizza and milkshakes with French fries on the side, Booth tells Parker his plan.
"We need to talk bub about Hannah and about Bones."
Parker grimaces. "I didn't say anything." He says defiantly.
Confused Booth says. "Say anything about what Parker?"
"I swear I only told Mom I didn't really like you dating Hannah. I tried my best to be nice to her, honestly I did."
Startled Booth replies. "You didn't like Hannah?"
Parker shakes his head. "It's not that she's not nice, and she's very pretty Dad, but I don't want you to marry her. I don't think Bones would like it if you did that."
Biting back a smile Booth asks. "What makes you think that?"
"Duh. Dad Bones really likes you. It's obvious. And you really like her. If you want to marry someone you should just marry her. I wouldn't mind that at all. Bones is cool."
Booth laughs. "Yeah she is that. Well I guess if I tell you that I broke up with Hannah because I realized that I love Bones . . . that would make you happy."
The smile on his son's face tells him everything. "Are you kidding? That's awesome." Parker replies.
Sobering Booth says. "There's just one problem bub. I asked Bones to be my girlfriend a pretty long time ago now, and when I did she said no. I think it was because she was scared that we might end up breaking up and then we couldn't be friends anymore. And she really needs us to be friends. So I started to date Hannah and now I think Bones is unhappy about that. Bones is in England and she won't come home Parker, so I have to go to England to tell her I'm not with Hannah now. I have to tell her I love her and that she doesn't have to be scared about it, and I can't do that on the phone. Do you understand?"
His son nods. "When are you leaving?"
"As soon as I can arrange the flight and get permission from the FBI to be away from work. I'm hoping to leave in a few days, but the problem is that I have to stay long enough to convince her. I can't leave unless she comes home with me, and though I want to be with you for Christmas, that might not be possible."
Parker looks thoughtful, then smiling hugely he says, "I'll miss you if you're not here Dad, but if it means that you and Bones will be together then that's a really great Christmas present isn't it?"
Booth tousles his son's hair affectionately. Stealing a fry from Parker's plate he answers him. "If she'll be mine Parker, that's the best present of any kind – ever."