Of Secrets and Lies

Chapter 21

Through Anothers Eyes

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The steady noise of the heart monitor seemed to fill the room echoing off the clean white walls and the sterile grey floor. Outside the small room footsteps could be heard walking past as the figures moved to and thro at their own leisure and business. Inside, the room was impeccably tidy with a hospital bed, a few chairs and cupboards filled with medical supplies. The window remained half open to allow some fresh air to penetrate the room while on the windowsill there was a small vase filled with a few pink and purple flowers. The room had two occupants. One of them, a girl was laying tucked up on the hospital bed with the blankets tucked at her chin displaying her extremely pale skin which was shiny with a few beads of sweat while her black hair fanned out on the pillow clashing with it's whiteness. The second person sat like a ghost on the chair next to the hospital bed. His skin was a pale shade that seemed to dull the marble colour of the rest of the room. His clothes were black but were ripped in some places and matted with stains of dark brown dried blood. His face was hidden from view by bright scarlet bangs of hair that hung limply. His eyes were staring at the person in the hospital bed unwavering while in his hands he clutched a sheathed sword.

He didn't move. He didn't quite know how long he had been sitting there. Dawn had already broken though for the room had been previously lit up with soft golden lights. If he had to chance a guess he'd say it was approaching noon. That meant he'd been there for nearly six hours. True his muscles were aching from sitting so stoic for so long but he ignored the pain. He could only watch as her chest rose and fell from her breathing. Occasionally his eyes would flicker towards the heart monitor to note the number of green wiggly lines stating that she was still breathing. His own heart was still racing with a foreign emotion that had haunted him recently.

Fear.

How could he have been so foolish? Of course he knew from the beginning over a month ago that she would not be happy. He'd expected anger and knew full well he deserved it. Her hatred was the price he had to pay for her safety. Well better she hate him and live then be harmed. It was his entire fault though. Her pain and suffering...all because he'd been selfish and foolish. Foolish to dream a friendship could survive on lies. Maybe if he'd told her from the start she may have accepted him but to find out in the manner that she did had ruined all chances of his confession. Still in his heart he knew, he may never have told her. Never, because it would change the way she looked at him...and he couldn't stand for her to look at him with fear in her eyes.

Yet she had. She'd seen him for what he really was. Himura Kenshin would never forget that fateful night over a month ago. It still plagued him like a disease unwilling to let go. He'd risked it...and sure enough history had repeated itself.

That night...

Looking back it had been like any other night. Kenshin had answered to the call of duty and had lurked around Anjio Lane for over and hour awaiting the arrival of his victim. As he stood in the dank alley way hidden in the shadows his thoughts had lingered. Study Leave would end soon and he'd once again be back at school. Perhaps as a treat he could take everyone out for the day to Aizu to visit Megumi-dono as a surprise. He knew the trainee doctor would return there soon so maybe it would be a nice surprise. Of course he'd have to save up some money first because he wasn't going to let anyone pay. His thoughts had danced along that trail forming a few brief ideas but then his victim had turned up walking idly down the alley as the all did. Kenshin noted that he had a gun concealed under his jacket. Yes this was indeed Haiko Caijun of Shisho's forces and head of the third army squad.

Kenshin waited as the man walked past him before stepping out behind him unsheathing his sword as he went. Somewhere inside him felt very queasy but Kenshin could switch it off easily. He narrowed his eyes and spoke causing the man to turn around.

"Haiko Caijun of the third squad. Though I hold no grudge against you I give you a choice. Surrender now and live or fight and die," Said Kenshin coldly. Caijun had stared at the assassin for a few moment his eyes widening in terror. For a brief moment Kenshin had hoped the man would surrender but then the officer had made the fatal mistake of trying to reach for his gun. A few moments later blood sprayed through the air and the dead corpse had fell to the ground. Inside he had felt revolted at his own actions watching the blood stained street before he turned to leave.

Then he'd sensed it. Another Ki nearby and he'd turned around feeling slightly panicked. Standing at the opposite end of the alley was a girl. At that moment Kenshin had stood dumbstruck not quite knowing what to do. The most obvious answer was protocol but he couldn't...not an innocent bystander. All he could picture was Kaoru, Megumi and Yahiko's faces in his mind. Their mother...maybe if he frightened her she'd run off. However he watched through the darkness taking particular notice of the indigo dress...Indigo that was Kaoru-dono's favourite colour. In an instant Kenshin felt his hear begin to pound with the first icy cold sensation of fear. He looked up...long familiar black hair tied up with a ribbon. The same face now pale. No...he prayed to any Kami that could hear. The girl was shaking and tears were pouring down her cheeks as she opened her eyes facing Kenshin with azure coloured eyes that widened in horror.

"Ken...shin," She spoke in a trembling voice.

Kenshin's world crashed around his knees. What could he say? What was he supposed to do? Katsura's voice was once again ringing in his ears. Protocol was completely out of the question. He had to reassure her...to try and explain. Surely she must know he'd never hurt her.

"Ken...shin...why?" She asked again.

"Kaoru..." Started Kenshin in a wavering voice trying to plead with her, but she took one look and turned and ran. Kenshin remained still rooted to the spot with fear and horror. What could he do now? Not pursue...he didn't want to frighten her anymore but what now?

Where did he go from there?

Staring at Kaoru's pale form Kenshin sighed tiredly. That had been the moment when everything had changed. Naturally Kenshin left the scene in a hurry and had promptly reported to Katsura-sama to warn him. Back at headquarters there had naturally been an outcry among Kenshin's superiors who were enraged demanding to know why their assassin had let a witness live. Thankfully Katsura had spoken on Kenshin's behalf claiming it was too late to dispose of the girl now because she'd probably already told the Police. Kenshin had felt his hear plummet. Kaoru's life was in danger...she would think perhaps the Government would protect her but Kenshin knew better.

A sacrifice. A useful bit of food for the strong would be what Shishio would judge her as. True while she lived the Government could turn her into a tragic hero of Japan rallying support and turning the name of Ishin Shishi into dirt...but soon they'd dispose of her. They would no doubt eventually kill her and her family and turn them into martyrs. The rage of Japan would be turned against Kenshin and the Ishin Shishi. Even their own supporters would question them. Yes the murder of a beloved family would certainly help Shishio gain support and strength.

The truth as it was, was that Kaoru was worth more dead than alive. Kenshin with the support of Katsura was left with one option. Taking Kaoru from her home making it look like kidnap. Of course the result for the Ishin would still be the same and Shishio could still rally support from her kidnapping but at least the Kamiya family would be able to live and at least Kaoru would be safe so when the day did come the she could go home again. It was vital to ensure she did not escape...the last thing the Government would want the public to know is that the Ishin showed mercy. Kenshin had known all this and on the fourteenth of April with a heavy heart he'd taken the familiar route to his old friends house.

It had been fairly easy.

The gunmen were easy enough to evade to someone with Kenshin's level of skill. The security camera's had been taken care of by some of the Ishin's more technical members leaving Battousai with only the task of avoiding the gunmen and somehow entering the house undetected...which had proved a bit too simple as Kaoru's own bedroom window had been left open. Kenshin had jumped through into her empty bedroom, which was its usual mess.

A few things caught his eye. Firstly were the sleeping pills...it would be much easier to just drug her and let her fall asleep than to forcibly take her. Kenshin had dissolved four pills into her juice hoping she would just drink it and go to sleep. With that he'd hidden in her wardrobe, which was not a comfortable hiding place. He'd had to curl up uncomfortably into a ball on top of a mass of coat hangers and old clothes trying not to make a sound. The longer he sat there the more his muscles began to ache and grow stiff. He thought he'd have to sit there for hours but thankfully Kaoru entered the room about half an hour later. Kenshin could not see her but he could hear her and sense the pain in her Ki.

"You've still got that old bear, I see," Kenshin felt his ears prick as he heard Megumi's familiar voice. The floor creaked as the older girl walked past the wardrobe containing Kenshin. The Assassin had moved to door slightly to allow himself some sight...he could see the back of Megumi's head and a small part of Kaoru's face. He watched curiously as Megumi sat down. Kaoru had not said anything.

"Kaoru-chan, we need to talk," Said Megumi firmly unaware of the extra listener, "I mean properly. You've been wandering around the house like a ghost for the last week and it's scaring me! You hardly eat and you're only sleeping because of the drugs...you're not talking to anyone! Can't you see how much you're hurting everyone? Otou-san's frantic and doesn't know what to do. Help us Kaoru..." Kenshin felt guilt weigh him down. She hadn't been eating? Kami-sama what had he done to her? Kaoru always ate things...usually when she was upset she ate even more. Had he hurt he so much? She still didn't say anything and Kenshin could sense Megumi's Ki flare angrily.

"Kaoru! Look at me and stop being so selfish!" Megumi had snapped. Kenshin could feel Kaoru's own ki edge. She wasn't happy and she seemed angry. When she spoke it was in a bitter voice that he thought unrecognisable. He listened to them argue feeling almost physically sick. What the hell had he went and done?

"Get a grip? Do you have any idea what it's like? Reliving that memory every time you shut you're eyes? Feeling as if the world doesn't have a point anymore! Feelings sick inside because you can't wash the blood out of you're memory! You can't ignore him staring at you with a katana in his hand? You have no idea Megumi...so just SHUT UP!" Screamed Kaoru. Kenshin sank his head into hid hands. The words had cut through him like knives. Of course Kaoru would be traumatised...she'd never seen a corpse before so naturally the experience would shake her. She sounded so defeated...Kenshin longed to just be able to explain and felt slight better when her hear Megumi comfort her but also more guilt knowing it wouldn't last too long.

"Well...for instance what would you say to Kenshin if he were here right now?"

Kenshin had jerked upright at that remark. Did Megumi know he was there? No, that was impossible. Clearly fate was playing another sick trick on him. He listened though with interest to hear what Kaoru would say. Would she now declare her hatred for him? He deserved it.

Her answer made Kenshin's eyes widen in surprise. Furthermore she revealed that she missed him. Despite what he'd down Kaoru missed him but she thought he didn't care for her. She didn't know how untrue that was. Laughing at her? Kenshin guessed she must feel humiliated...but he'd never...laughed at her. Never...because he knew she was stronger. Much stronger than he was. Still when Megumi asked another particular question Kenshin had to shove a hand over his mouth and his cheeks were so red he was surprised they weren't neon.

"Kaoru...did you love him?"

Kenshin didn't dare to breath as he awaited the answer.

"Hai...as a best friend I loved him very much...but as something more?" Kaoru gave a nervous sort of watery chuckle, "I'm only seventeen...what do I know of love? Maybe I could have...but we were both so shy. We kissed..." Kenshin closed his eyes trying to control his breathing. So she hadn't told anyone...part of him felt grateful for that yet now all sorts of awkward questions were lingering in his mind. He half listened to the rest of the conversation. Kaoru clearly had cared for him deeply...and he of course cared for her. As a best friend...but love? Did he love Kaoru as more? A voice in his mind stated the answer but Kenshin shook his head remembering painful memories. The last time he'd loved someone...it had ended badly. His hands went to his scar and he sighed. He was completely inferior and unworthy of Kaoru's friendship let alone her love. And in any question she was young and pure...not meant for someone so corrupted. Someone who was going to make her suffer so. No.

When Megumi left the room, Kenshin watched wearily as Kaoru sat up on the bed. He watched as she took a sip of the juice but began to panic when she set it down. She hadn't drank enough! He watched in anxiety as she tried to stand up looking dizzy and confused before her eyes landed on the sleeping tablets. Kenshin's heart began to race as she mumbled under her breath. She knew...sighing he stepped out of the wardrobe as Kaoru stared at him in pure fear before fumbling under her pillow. Kenshin held up the alarm, which he'd taken earlier. Why his voice sounded so unfriendly he did not know...it hurt to speak.

He moved forward. Kaoru tried to hit him but her arm missed completely. The look of pain and fear...he felt so utterly helpless as she began to beg pleading for her sister. He wished he could reassure her and he did try.

"I'm not going to hurt you, please know that," He whispered but he was sure Kaoru couldn't hear him as he grabbed her wrist gently. She could hardly speak and with a heavy heart he pressed the pressure point under her neck watching as her body went limp.

"I'm sorry," He apologised picking her up gently so he didn't hurt her.

And that had been it. Kenshin had taken her to his other secret base and hidden her there. When she came around she was ill and Kenshin tried to look after her as best he could but she wouldn't make things easy for him. The night he'd hurt her he felt like impaling himself for being such an idiot. How could he have hurt her? Then he'd felt angry when she'd risked her life trying to escape out the window and then jumping in a swimming pool. Angry with her and angry with himself. How could she do something so foolish? He had, had to undress her which...well he'd rather not think about it and he tried to look as little as possible. At least though she understood he would not hurt her. Then they had got trapped in the elevator two weeks ago.

No he'd under-estimated Kaoru slightly. Still he couldn't help but admire her. Yet tonight he'd never been so scared before. He could do nothing and he alerted Katsura promptly so the Ishin could remove all his belongings and relocate him. Then he'd jumped in a car and drove after Sojiro...but he'd arrived too late.

Fury. He'd killed Gohei were he stood arriving in time so he could knock the gun. The bullet missed but seriously wounded Kaoru. Sojiro had gotten away but Kenshin's attention was directed towards Kaoru. When she'd stopped breathing Kenshin had felt so helpless unable to do anything. He remembered what Megumi said about Kaoru going into shock when she was a baby. The few seconds had dragged on an eternity but she had started to breath again. Kenshin had lifted her and dashed towards the car yelling at the driver threatening to kill him if he didn't drive fast enough. His composure left him...now as he sat staring at Kaoru he made a mental note to thank Satoshi and apologise. He would have to thank the Ishin's resident doctor, Gensai too.

So that was it. Kenshin had been forced out of the room while Doctor Gensai operated but he was allowed back in a few hours later and he hadn't moved since. Gohei's filthy blood was still on him but he didn't care. He would wait until Kaoru woke up just to make sure she was okay. At least everyone had, had the sense to leave him well alone. Still as he sat there he could do nothing but remember feeling the emotions churn within him. He'd been so foolish...unable to tell her why he'd taken her because Katsura had ordered him not to...but that had almost cost Kaoru her life. Kenshin would make sure to tell her everything not matter what Katsura ordered.

At that moment Kenshin was interrupted from his thoughts by the door swinging open. He glanced around preparing a glare but stopped as he noticed who it was.

"Okami-dono," Murmured Kenshin turning back to watch Kaoru. Okami was the Ishin Shishi headquarters housekeeper. Very old and small with grey hair she was in fact Katsura-sama's Aunt. Kenshin never really warmed to anyone. He just took orders and interacted with people only when he had to but he did retain some fondness for Okami who treated him as an ordinary person despite his reputation. She even made a point of mothering him slightly but Kenshin did not mind. He liked the older woman.

Okami smiled softly walking towards Kenshin taking the seat next to him.

"Himura-san," Said Okami gently gazing at Kaoru with polite curiosity, "You have not eaten yet."

"No," Said Kenshin shortly earning himself a frown.

"You should eat. Your skinny enough as it is," Reprimand Okami. Kenshin said nothing. He wasn't very hungry and he didn't care about his weight. Okami was silent watching him for a few moments before she spoke again, "Himura-san, I don't think you're any use to her like you are right now. Why don't you go have a wash? Maybe a shower?"

"No. I'm staying here Okami-dono," Said Kenshin. Okami shook her head sighing in frustration.

"Look boy, when she wakes up do you think she's going to want to see some undernourished, unclean smelly man staring at her? No, she'd want to see a clean young boy waiting for her. Trust me dirt is not an attractive quality so If you're hoping to impress her then I suggest you go wash." Said Okami firmly with a teasing hint in her voice. Kenshin glanced at his blood stained clothes before glancing at Kaoru. Okami might be right...he wasn't wanting to impress Kaoru but he didn't want to scare her senseless if she awoke to see him covered in blood. Okami noticed this and smiled slightly.

"I'll be here with her until you return. Don't worry Himura-san, if she wakes up I'll make sure you're notified," Reassured Okami. Kenshin sighed reluctantly standing up. He lingered for a few moments before casting one more doubtful look and leaving the room. Once he was gone Okami sighed looking back at the young girl smiling gently.

"I don't know what you did girl, but he's got it bad."

About an hour later Kenshin returned feeling clean and refreshed as he appeared in a new navy hakama and a loose blue gi. When he opened the door his lips traced a smile. Okami was half asleep dozing in her chair. Kaoru was just the same and he did not know if this was a good thing. Doctor Gensai had been maddeningly vague about when Kaoru would awaken. He said it could be a few hours or a few days depending on her bodies need for rest. Kenshin felt slightly disappointed as he sat next to Okami who jerked awake with a yawn before grinning as she eyed Kenshin.

"Much better. You look clean," Said Okami approvingly before she rummaged around in the pockets of her long yellow dress before producing a letter. Kenshin gasped recognising the handwriting on the front. There was no mistaking it...that was Kaoru's writing. Okami handing it to him, "This was found in that house of yours a few hours ago. Lucky they got it before the Police turned up."

Kenshin accepted it feeling confused. A letter? Why on earth had Kaoru left him a letter? To say goodbye? He didn't deserve it at all but he could feel his heart thumping as he opened it. Okami looked like she would very much like to read it as well but she stood up and shuffled out of the room leaving Kenshin in peace. The Hitokiri glanced at Kaoru who was still sleeping and back at the letter. His hands were trembling slightly as he opened it. Three sheets of paper fell on to his lap and all of them bore Kaoru's messy handwriting.

He read.

To Hitokiri Battousai.

To Himura Kenshin.

It would make things so much easier if I could write this as if to two people for that is what I have came to see you as. If you're reading this then that means I was successful and I am probably gone. I don't know why but I feel like I must say goodbye. There were so many things left unsaid between the two of us. I will probably wonder why you kidnapped for the rest of my life. I wish you could have told me but you did not. Forgive me, for I am not good at this sort of thing. I've always hated goodbyes and I cannot help but feel upset that, that it was I am now saying.

Goodbye Hitokiri Battousai. You hurt me more than any person ever has. I never knew lies or betrayal but now I do. I was always so ignorant and naive but you made me wake up. You made me feel like a fool and I hated you for it. There are so many things I could say now. How do you sleep at night? How can you walk with your head held high knowing what you've done? Knowing the people you've hurt? Yet, and yet I pity you. I pity you because killing only causes more pain...it rips a person apart inside and that is what you are doing to yourself. The road you have chosen will only end in pain. I don't know why I pity you but I guess it proves on some level I care about you. I wish I didn't because it confuses everything. I feel so guilty being unable to stop you and yet at the same time hoping you are not caught. I feel so much guilt at this but I know you'll escape. Since this is farewell I won't leave on a bitter note. Goodbye Hitokiri Battousai. I hope you are happy in the path you have chosen and I can only beg you to reconsider.

Goodbye Himura Kenshin...and thank you. Thank you for being my friend. You made me feel happy for the first time in a long time. With your silly Oro's and mannerisms. I could always come to you when I needed help or advice or just someone to listen. You made me feel comfortable and what's better - you made me feel happy to be me. I'll always care for you as a friend. I wish I could see and speak to you again but I fear I lost you that night. Even if it makes no sense writing two letters to the same person I think I must for I have different and very conflicting feelings for different parts of you. I know you would never hurt me...but you have. I'll never forget you and I only wish we could have remained friends for longer. I wish I could ask why you kissed me but I guess I'll never get the chance huh? I'm going to miss you Kenshin but I have to say...say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Love, Kamiya Kaoru x

Kenshin sat re-reading it several times before he clenched his teeth. His emotions were in utter turmoil and he had no idea what to think or feel. Why had he lied...and how could she possible still care for him? And what was worse he'd split his personality so much trying to split his two lives that she now saw him as two separate people. It was exactly what Katsura had warned him against. Bitter tears spilled down his cheeks, he could not suppress what he was feeling now. He barely noticed the door opening as he clutched the letter in his hands.

"Himura-san."

This time it was not Okami's warm voice but that of her nephew. Katsura entered the room sitting down gracefully next to Kenshin with a look of mild concern on his face. He sighed before gazing at Kaoru and then back at Kenshin eyeing the letter in his hands.

"You read it then?"

Kenshin snapped up and glared. Since when did people have the right to pry into his private letters. Superior or not Kenshin could not contained the fury in his voice when he spoke, "Hai...and did you also?" Katsura nodded looking unabashed at the Hitokiri knowing this. Instead he looked gravely at Kenshin.

"I warned you of this months ago Battousai, if you continue to split you're life in two then you will also split your soul. I may have made the wrong decision not to let Kamiya-san know of your intentions but you need to mend this error. You need to decide who you are. I claim all guilt for I knew the impact it would have on you when I met you seven years ago...you were only fifteen. Young and yet I took you on knowing full well the damage it would cause you. After Tomoe's death I wondered if you were beyond help but Kamiya-san has proved you are not. You need to decide who you are Himura-san. Hitokiri Battousai or Himura Kenshin," Said Katsura seriously. Kenshin looked away. It was true he'd been straying on the edge of a knife...but who was he? When it came down it?

"You'll be happy to know we've found a new place for you to stay with Kamiya-san. Of course Doctor Gensai tells me she'll need to stay here for at least ten days," Continued Katsura on a lighter note. Kenshin nodded...he did not see Kaoru liking this much but hopefully once he told her the truth she would accept it. He did not know how he was going to be able to speak to her again, "Also sadly we were unable to protect the Sayoni family. The Government has killed them and made it look like you."

"I am sorry to here that," Said Kenshin sadly. The old couple...innocent people who had just tried to help. What was Kaoru going to say when he told her? She would blame herself...for a moment Kenshin considered not telling her altogether but then he knew that would be lying once more. Kaoru would have to know the truth from now on.

"Finally, your services are required at seven o'clock tonight," Finished Katsura. Kenshin glared. He was in no mood to go on any assassination missions tonight. Katsura was asking too much...besides he wanted to be here when Kaoru woke up. If she woke up to a room full of strangers she would be afraid. Not that he doubted Doctor Gensai for he knew the old man would try and make Kaoru comfortable but he wanted to make sure she would alright. Katsura did not quiver under Kenshin's gaze at all.

"Don't look so surprised. You promised me Kamiya-san would not get in the way of your duties." Stated Katsura standing up. Kenshin growled watching as Katsura left the room. He always did his duty but now it was becoming annoying and frustrating. How could Katsura say one thing and then say another. Kenshin sighed turning back to face Kaoru. No doubt Okami-dono would show up soon with a tray of food demanding Kenshin ate.

Still, at least Kenshin had another five hours.

It was nine o'clock at night before Kenshin returned. He was in the washroom trying to get the stench of blood from his hands when Okami dashed into the room. Kenshin looked up at the panting women and fled the room. Words were unnecessary. Kenshin already knew...he didn't care that he was stained with blood or had a large tear in the sleeve of his gi. He did not stop until he reached the small hospital ward on the second floor. When he did he slammed open the door forcefully.

Inside the small room was Doctor Gensai getting something out of one of the cupboards. To Kenshin's annoyance Katsura was sitting down but Kenshin stared past them both. His heart was bounding hopefully as he stared at the bed. Kaoru was sitting up slightly. She looked exhausted but her blue eyes were open as she stared at him. She uttered only one word and Kenshin smiled feeling himself fill with relief.

"Kenshin..."

Chapter done. I hope you enjoyed. The next chapter is when Kaoru gets all the answers she's been looking for and her and Kenshin have a long meaningful talk and she discovers the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (well mostly) Kaoru also has a conversation with Katsura which is interesting. Anyway I'm not updating until I get up to 132! So that's...six reviews? Okay maybe more! Oh well please review in the knowledge that I need them to survive school! xx

Bluemoon Out! xx