Death is Easy, Death is Simple

by DreamsofaDreamer

When Bella is turned, nothing goes according to plan. After a lifetime of bad choices, ill-timing, and people who always get in the way, the duo finally realize that they're meant to be together. Too bad that two warring vampiric organizations, Jacob, and Isabella's growing power make it virtually impossible for them to do so. Who ever said that the afterlife was easy? HEA AU ExB

21. Chapter 21

PLAYLIST:

The Mortician's Daughter - Black Veil Brides

My Body is a Cage - Arcade Fire

15-Step - Radiohead

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CHAPTER 21: Bella's Secret

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BELLA

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As I ran through the trees, I couldn't help but think about what I'd done to get me precisely at this moment. Everything connected me to this moment. Everything. Me. James. Edward. Jacob. The build up exploded into something a little less than fanfare.

I could hear my heartbeat race through my ears. Though it was deafening, I heard every twig under my bare feet snap. I heard my breath coming out in raspy pants.

No light touched the forest floor tonight. It was cloudy and moonless. There were no streetlights here. No stars. No movie theatre arrows to show me the way. I ran into tree after tree. Tripped over roots, over my own bleeding feet.

And yet— it was all inevitable.

Up in the air, and bound to happen.

—

It was my first day at Forks High. Everything had gone according to plan. I woke up at 6AM and was showered and changed by 6:30AM. I had eaten breakfast, dug my rain boots out of the front closet and marinated some meat for dinner all before 7AM. I was in the parking lot of the school at 7:10 and had my timetable in hand by 7:20.

"You're the Chief's daughter?"

"Yes."

I toured the school over the weekend enough times to memorize where my classes were so I stood in front of my locker for nearly thirty minutes before the hallways began to fill up, arranging and rearranging my books. I took my cue when I noticed people looking at me and fished my phone out of my backpack.

JACOB BLACK: Hey Bells! Have a GR8 first day! Don't let anyone bite you ;)

I quickly texted him back:

ME: Thank you so much Jake. LOL, I don't think I'll even get the chance to be bitten. So many people are looking at me already. So awesome….ugh.

JACOB BLACK: You're smart enough for college. Why don't you skip a grade and come join me? You'll be learning tons about cars — we could open up a shop together and everything. See? I've got it all planned out.

I bit my tongue:

ME: Yeah, well…no one knows how you even managed to graduate Jacob. What are you? Four years old?

JACOB BLACK: Four and three-quarters actually *sticks out tongue*

ME: You're such a child.

JACOB BLACK: Don't pretend you're not into it…cougar.

ME: Yeah…no.

JACOB BLACK: Don't you have introductions to make? Go and do that Swan. Get all tomato up in there.

ME: Sigh. Unfortunately you're damn right about that. Fucking sucks. They're all staring.

JACOB BLACK: Go find the Cullens and throw things at them. Tell them it's from me.

ME: Why do you hate them so much?

JACOB BLACK: No comment.

ME: Oh again with the no comment bullshit. Dad says they're the best kids in the town and that Dr. Cullen is a saint.

JACOB BLACK: A saint? Swan, you dad has no idea… just…throw them some garlic. Or some water. Maybe they'll burn. Or melt… Besides, I'm the best kid in town.

ME: You've never even met them. All you know is that your dad has issues with their family.

ME: And fat chance. You're the worst.

JACOB BLACK: Not just my dad, Bella…everyone on the rez says things about them. You know nothing Swan.

ME: Like what? TELL ME!

JACOB BLACK: Hm… does this mean you're willing to hang out in exchange for information?

ME: Duh. Always.

JACOB BLACK: Picking you up after school.

ME: No way, I'm driving over there. You and that motorcycle can go to hell.

JACOB BLACK: Fine. Go to class, it's 8-something or other.

ME: Fine. TTYL Black. Don't die today. Or take too many steroids. They make your dick fall off.

JACOB BLACK: Fuck you. I hope you trip on your feet. Again. Because I know that it has already happened at least three times today.

ME: You know it :D

I shoved my phone into my back pocket and grabbed the appropriate books for class… it was going to be a long day.

By the time lunch rolled around, I made a few acquaintances. I had been shepherded around by Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley. All three of us had the same schedule. I'm sure if I paid more attention to the people around me I'd notice that nearly all the juniors shared the exact same schedule. The only bright side was that I had a few classes with a mix of upper and lower level students.

Following the two into the cafeteria, I was led to a small table against the wall where four other people sat. Angela, Eric, Tyler, and Lauren. Most of the group bought their lunches. I had some leftovers from last night's pasta.

I grabbed the chair facing away from the crowd of people behind us. I had enough of the ogling and smiling and small-talking. I did my best to reply to everyone's questions about my life, so much so that I hardly had anything to eat. Not that I was particularly hungry anyway.

"Bella, Bella! Oh my god. Okay, you have to look. But, like, discreetly, okay? I'll tell you when to turn!" Jessica whispered loudly. She held the end of her ponytail in her hand, pretending to be occupied with something other than blatantly staring. "Okay…now!"

I did as she said, because I had to. The table's eyes were on me, expecting something. I couldn't help it.

I tossed my hair over my left shoulder and rested my chin on it. Just then, rounding the table in front of ours, a group of highly attractive individuals sat down. My brow furrowed. It was the same everywhere — pretty people just…stick together. They were simply clothed in muted colours. Blacks, greys, steel blues and looked more like they stepped out of a limo than out of the parking lot.

I turned back to the table. Jessica was beaming, "Aren't they just…so…gorgeous?"

"And weird," Mike chimed in. "Don't forget weird!"

"Why are they weird?" I asked.

"They're all adopted…and dating each other."

"But they're not related," said Angela. "It's better than dating your cousin. And plus, they weren't adopted as kids, Jessica so it's not like it's incest or anything."

"It's incest. They look so alike," Jessica touted. "What, is Dr. Cullen collecting freakishly beautiful people?

I nodded weakly. "What are their names?"

"Okay, from eldest to youngest it goes: Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper — because they're twins, Alice, and then Edward."

"Who is who?" I asked, looking over my shoulder again.

"Well," Jessica began. "The blonds are the twins. The big guy is Emmett. Alice is the tiny one, and Edward is the super hot one. He's in our year along with Alice." At the mention of his name, Edward's eyes wandered over to our table. Roaming over our direction he finally settled on me after scrutinizing Jessica. He tilted his head and looked away, brow furrowing and frowning.

"But tell her who's dating who, Jessica," Lauren prompted. I kept my gaze trained on him. He was impossibly beautiful. Every part of me shivered in a gross reflection of how much of a rise his appearance granted me.

"Right. So. It goes: Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, and then Edward's by himself. I wish Dr. Cullen would adopt me so we can date," she half-joked. "But I'm not pretty enough."

"Everyone's in love with him," Tyler said. "It's stupid. I hate it."

I understood the spell he cast on them. I too felt stupid that one person had such an effect on my attention. Edward picked apart the salad he was eating with a fork and stabbed a cherry tomato before popping it inside his mouth. Emmett threw a fry at his head and he seethed, muttering something that only made the other laugh harder.

Lauren rolled her eyes. "You're just jealous, Tyler. We all are, so there — be content."

Jessica laughed. "Besides them, you're the only interesting thing to happen to Forks. You're like the shiny new toy."

—

After lunch I managed to squeeze in some desperate alone time. I snuck to the bathroom and evaded Mike's constant pestering about everything in my life. It was starting to look like I had an unconditional spot in his friend group. Though I preferred having one or two people to hang out with on a daily basis, a large group like his wasn't terrifying…it was exhausting having to keep up with multiple threads of conversation, means of etiquette and knowledge of personal relationships.

Someone came in while I was readjusting my ponytail. Two someones in fact. Alice followed by Rosalie were in a hushed conversation that quickly ended when they spotted my reflection on the opposing mirror.

"Hey, Bella!" Alice piped. "I'm Alice. It's great to finally have another new kid. This is Rosalie, my sister."

I nodded and smiled. "Nice to meet you two."

"So," Rosalie started, "How's your day going so far?"

"It's a lot," I said truthfully. "So many people want to get to know me…I don't know how I can keep track of all the names."

"Eh, you'll get the hang of it by next week. There are fewer than three hundred people in all four grades."

I gawked. "There were more than five hundred people in my grade in my last school."

Alice shrugged. "See, you'll get the hang of it. Anyway, what's your schedule like? I know I had you in first period."

"My schedule goes English, Math, Bio, and then Gym."

"Oh! You'll have my brother in Biology! He's great. Super smart. A little quiet but really, really, polite. You'll love him."

"Jessica seems to," I joked. "She wouldn't stop talking about him all lunch. It was incessant."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well. He avoids her as much as he can."

I laughed. "She'd be heartbroken to know that. She says she's in love."

We had a ball poking fun at the little group I found myself in.

"Well," Alice said, "If you ever feel like hanging, feel free to join us."

"Thanks for the offer, I'll definitely come sit with you guys tomorrow."

We exited the bathroom together chatting about something or other. I was whisked away by Mike who threw a wave at Alice and Rosalie and mouthed a half-hearted sorry.

He also had biology next, something that he was quite upset about. He was all sad and pouty so I felt like I have to ask. When I do he huffed.

"You're gonna be sitting beside Cullen. He's not exactly…social. I wouldn't say he's hostile but…I dunno…its hard to describe without him actually being here for you to see. Wish it was me, but unfortunately we're not allowed to switch seats."

"Doesn't he have a lab partner already?"

"Yep. And you're it— good luck," he said as we entered the class. The hand that he had clasped on my shoulder tightened. I smiled tightly back, perhaps squinting my eyes a little too much. "You're gonna need it."

I nodded, suddenly so enormously nervous of meeting the famed member of the Cullen family. I stood at the front of the class waiting for the small group of students to disperse from the teacher's desk. Mr. Banner, an average height, curly-haired, and bespectacled man grinned and motioned me over.

"Alright Isabella. I'm nearly 100% certain that the whole town knows who you are already, so no introductions. Just take this," he said, sliding a large pile of papers atop a textbook across his desk. "Read through the syllabus and the outline I wrote you all about what you have to catch up on."

I skimmed the syllabus and noted that I'd already finished the entire subject list last semester in AP Bio. I told him so, and he beamed. "Ah yes! Then you'll have no problem working with Edward. He also did a similar credit in his last school, in AP of course, but unfortunately this school doesn't recognize it. So," he pulled me in closer. "You'll have less homework than the rest of the class. All you are responsible for are labs and lab write-ups. Just send me your previous class' syllabus and report card." He winked and sent me in the direction of our shared desk.

Except Edward wasn't here yet.

I skimmed through the ratty textbook, pausing at the many doodles that wrecked the pages. Once I had my fill of the PG14 images I popped the lot into my backpack and snuck my cellphone into the sleeve of my pocket. Hunched over the lab bench I made a screen between the inside of the desk and my phone with my hair and typed a quick message to Jacob.

ME: Just about to have Biology with Edward Cullen. Wish me luck? I've been hearing conflicting things…

I shoved the chunk of plastic into my boot and fixed my hair again, trying to get the frizz somewhat tamed. There were only three more minutes before the bell and the suspense was killing me. God. It was going to be Phoenix High 2.0. I closed my eyes and imagined my former classmates. In the room, the laughter, the conversations — all of it sounded the same. I could feel the heat flying off the radiator and pretended for a moment that I was sitting in the back corner, staring straight ahead while I was being made fun of for being so pale.

Lucky for me, everyone here was the same sallow shade of grey. Even Jacob, with his red-brown skin was far less brilliant than the tanned and toned arms of the people back in Arizona.

I listened intently. Mike Newton was laughing his head off. Someone fell off their chair. There was chittering and whispering and the scratching of chalk words being written on the blackboard. The radiator ticked, the lighting buzzed, the fan at the front of the class released a low, audible, creaking noise as it turned. The bell then rang and there was movement. Mr. Banner stopped writing on the board and shuffled some papers around.

The next moment, my eyes flashed open. The stool beside me scraped and bounced loudly against the floor. I turned and saw a figure clad in a tight grey sweater and black slacks sit down.

I looked up and offered a smile at the scowling face above me. I had determined that Mike's assessment of Edward had been right.

I, however, did not let that sway me. Rather than looking away, I held his hazel eyes. I'd done nothing wrong to deserve the look he was sending me. Had I been someone much less caring about the way people treated me, I would have looked away and blazed red.

But I cared and thought that he perhaps wasn't feeling well.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

Silence.

"I met your sisters, they were really nice."

Silence.

"Is there something wrong?"

Still silent, he set his jaw.

"Okay…" I said, turning away.

I could feel him grilling into the side of my face. Though I was extremely nervous and my heart was beating a mile a minute, I was beginning to feel agitated.

"You know if you're going to have a problem with me sitting here maybe you should ask for a different seat. But seeing as we're the only ones without a partner I think we should get off to a better start."

Silence. More glaring. He turned towards the front of the class and looked at me sideways.

"My name is Bella. What's yours?"

Silence.

"Alright, so I already know that your name is Edward. You must be glad you aren't the new kid anymore, huh?."

I was getting angry, so much so that my words were coming out tremulous. But I held my move firmly in my hands.

"Since you're not talking, you won't mind if I do all the talking?"

"Alright. So since I'm new and all and the syllabus says that all lab partners must share notes, I'm gonna have to ask for yours."

"Here's my email," I said, scribbling the words down on a post-it. I slid it over to his side of the desk and his nose flared. He didn't make a move to reach for it so I picked it up and stuck it on the front cover of the textbook between his forearms. "Pictures, .docx file, whatever works for you."

Silence.

"Cool, cool." I nodded, pulling a leaf out of Jacob's vocabulary. "So I hear you're from Alaska?"

Silence.

"Right. So… do you think I smell bad? Is that why your nose keeps sniffing the air?"

Silence followed by a death glare.

I had to laugh. As my body shook and my mouth pulled up, Edward Cullen crumpled my note and flicked it off the table.

"Jeez," I said. "Alright, I guess I'll keep my thoughts to myself."

He then stood so brusquely that the chair rebounded off the bench behind us and fell over, leaving a dent in the wood.

The room went silent. All eyes were on him. And me.

He shuffled past me, kicked my bag, and bounded to the front of the class. Nearly a foot and a half taller than Dr. Banner, Edward leaned his head down and spoke into his hear, words coming out in a quiet snarl.

"I am unwell," he said. "I'll tell the main office myself."

"Alright then, Edward. Make sure you go see your father first chance you get."

He nodded and slunk through the doorway without so much as a backwards glance.

—

Edward completely avoided me for the entirety of Junior and Senior year. I didn't think it was possible to do so in such a small town, but he made sure of it. The word from the peanut gallery was that he dropped out because he was sick.

Sure, I saw his siblings. Heck, Alice and Jasper and I were in a few classes together and talked enough times to be considered acquaintances. I never ended up having lunch with them.

I didn't want them to play messenger or suffer the consequences of Edward's unjust wrath so I didn't ask questions about his whereabouts or behaviour.

Of course, I didn't tell a single soul about seeing Edward in my dreams. About my fantasies of telling him off in the biggest and most satisfying way possible.

Sometimes I dreamed about having an actual lab partner to share the work with — that was the saddest part. While my classmates had a friend to turn to during experiments, I had Mr. Banner. And boy was that exciting. He and I would tag team the work and I'd still do all the work.

Eventually, Mike shared his notes with me. Then he shared his lab reports. Then I became the third wheel to his two-man group. Mike was awesome to work with. Platonically speaking, he was attractive because he was kind, generous, and extremely loyal. Expertly speaking, he was madly in love with Jessica who was madly in love with Edward who was just plain old mad at me.

No one blamed me. Edward's disappearance just managed to coincide with my arrival — that's all. Jessica didn't bring it up every day at lunch… or did she? It's very hard to remember, what with her pouts and stomping about not having her favourite brand of eye candy anymore.

Whatever.

Everyone moved on once spring hit and the weather was warming up. The rest of the Cullen kids brought their attractive selves out onto the courtyard and basked in the sun while the rest of us played football, or worse, frisbee.

I thought about Edward sometimes. I mostly got irritated whenever he was mentioned in conversation. I'm sure he had his reasons to be a jackass that day…but there was a part of me that just wanted to punch him in the face. It was next to anger, and a little more than annoyance.

There was a point in time when I'd see Edward flit around town. He'd be running across the street as I loaded groceries into the trunk of my car, or walking around with his brothers down main street just as I exited a store. Every time I saw him a strange and foreign heart palpitation would arrest me and I'd stand stock still. He appeared GQ model-like and so far beyond my reach that I berated myself for being attracted to him. I was no better and no less shallower than Jessica and Lauren. That thought was enough to sober me up.

It helped that Jacob was more or less hostile towards his entire family. He confirmed that they were a weird bunch and forced me to stay away from them, which I did without any issues. Being around them made me feel weirdly aware of myself, of my skin. A strange mix of desire and fear that coursed through my veins when I sat next to Jasper and Alice in class. I felt like running away when I saw Emmett bounding through the halls in all his giant beauty. I felt threatened by Rosalie's tremendous beauty and belittled by Alice's ability to charm her way out of any situation.

I noticed that, despite the general attraction to the small group, everyone stayed well away from them. Like a school of fish among tiny minnows we all flocked to the sides of the hallways when they walked through. It was both awe-inspiring and disconcerting how they managed to rule the school without so much as a word.

I was strangely curious about the phenomenon — and did my best to observe and relay information to the place in my mind that worked, like a hobby, to figure it out. A part of me wondered if it was a combination their looks and the way they carried themselves. Kind of like the way celebrities operated in their everyday lives. They were both magnetic and fear-inducing.

Nearly every day after school, however, my time was spent with Jacob. Once the roads were relatively dry for longer periods of time I let Jacob take me places on his bike. Jake brought me to my first prom wearing a hideous powder blue suit, just to piss me off. I wore a sun dress and flats to appease him. It was the best night of my life.

There was nothing, nothing that ruined it. God. We were over the moon happy. Giddy, a little more than friends. A little more than heavy petting. A little more than kissing. We gladly spent the night in each other's arms. Me wearing a grotesque set of his clothing. Him bare-chested and finely filled out. It was weird at first, when he admitted he loved me more than a friend. Like he said, there was no way he could control it. He would, if he could, love someone else. Someone older. Someone more athletic and less breakable. He laughed, saying it was just a weird phase, but over time, with little coercing on his part, I got used to the idea of being something more with my best friend. We weren't exactly dating. But we were involved intimately and emotionally. It was nice. But it was plain, it was easy…it just happened naturally. There wasn't a spontaneous burst of passion anywhere along the line. I got bored. I wondered if I was missing out — if it was just the chemistry between Jacob and I that made me feel reluctant to fully let go… so I ended the intimacy part and we went back to being friends.

And that's when James entered my life.

Football star. Charismatic. Popular. Mayor's son. Beloved by my father for his brains and brawn. Out of all the girls in the school, he landed his eyes on me. I was elated. Excited. I had butterflies — something I never had with Jacob. With James, I had to fight to keep my attention off him. All of me yearned for his touch. Yearned to be near him… yearned to be accepted by him.

We dated throughout the latter portion Senior Year. I hardly spent any time with Jacob. Eventually he gave up on talking to me through my father and gave up trying to connect with me altogether. It became awkward.

And after weeks of bliss…after his final football season…everything was shot to pieces.

But there was a secret I kept… something else. Something I haven't found the words to fully explain it all.

I knew about Victoria before the night I was turned.

She'd been a friend of James'. A close friend. He'd been cheating on me with her for ages and didn't put two and two together until that night.

He, of course, never mentioned what she was. He only mentioned that he was "this close to immortality". I assumed it had something to do with football.

Over time, James became crazed. When he drank, he began to mutter. "Cullen's think they're so good. So fucking saint-like."

He spoke a lot about them probably because Victoria was filling his head with all sorts of things. Lies, guaranteed.

Did I know he was in love with her? Yes.

Countless times we were intimate he'd whisper her name. He'd speak of her with such regard…with such respect. And, for some reason, I wouldn't think it be wrong to think that she orchestrated this whole thing…that changing James and me wasn't something that occurred by chance.

When I woke up in the cabin, James was nowhere to be found. I went for the gun I knew he kept in hiding and cocked it, ready to shoot to injure.

The way it all went down… it made sense in light of recent events.

I crept to the door, listening for him. The car was parked out front. The porch lights on. The solar lights surrounding the natural pond glowing yellow. James' pants were hanging off the bed, along with his keys. I looped the lanyard over my head and tucked it under my dress.

Just like my father taught me I kept myself covered. I opened the door, slowly, and crept over to the car, hiding behind some shrubbery. Silence hung in the air.

Then James emerged from the back of the house and stood with this back to me, facing the pond. He called me out. He had been watching me. Told me he to come stand by him. Make one wrong move and I'd be eaten alive.

Startled, I obeyed.

"Put the gun down," he said.

"I need something to protect myself," I said.

"Fair enough," he laughed. "Though it won't help. What, you're going to shoot me?" He asked.

"Try me."

He spun around, his boxers were hidden by his filthy black dress shirt.

"Victoria would like to meet you, Bella. She's been here with us the whole time. A pity you had to be sleeping for such a while."

A breeze shot past me without warning. It happened again, and again. Each time, something would scratch me. The cuts got deeper and deeper until I was thrown against something hard and restrained against it. It took a few moments to realize that the cold piping that wound around my neck was indeed an arm and a hand.

All the while James was standing in front of me, laughing. I was terrified. My grip on the gun was wet with sweat. I struggled my damnedest and fought against the rock-like person — all to no avail. There was no warmth emanating from the body. No hairs or marks freckling the arm. It mimicked carved marble more than human flesh.

"Isn't she marvellous?" he said. "Victoria, my love."

I gasped for air as the hand around my neck tightened. "What is she? What-what are you?"

Victoria turned me by the throat to face her. I was eye to eye with the most vicious looking creature I've ever seen. And she was human. I think. She raised me above the ground effortlessly. Even as I kicked and clawed she was unmoving.

Her teeth, pearly white and razor straight, were shining with a kind of silver coating of some sort. Her eyes, though… her blood-red eyes were fixed on me, unblinking. She snarled and squeezed so tightly that she drew blood.

I nearly fainted with fright.

"A Vampire," she said, her fragrant breath blowing across my face. "A bloodsucker. A cold one. A succubus. And you're going to join me." She was nearly as eerily beautiful as Rosalie — that fact scared me even more.

"Why?"

"Because…I need you. You're interesting to me and would do well to learn our ways."

"And me, sweetheart?" James asked.

Her eyes darted back and forth for the quickest of seconds.

"My tracker," she said. "My mate."

"I'm sure you know all about what a mate is," James leered. "Or have you not seen Edward around? He's been driven mad by his need to fuck your brains out, suck you dry and then dump your little ass." I gaped, breathing heavy and fast. "Did you not figure it out yet, stupid? They're all vampires, Bella. The whole entire family. Bloodsuckers. Every last bit. Without them there'd be no one to stop him from killing you."

"He has nothing to do with this!" I said, struggling against her sharp nails on my throat. "I have nothing to do with this!"

"He is repulsed by you. By his attraction to such a pitiful little girl. You'd bring him no satisfaction. In this life and the next. The only thing he needs from you is the blood that runs through your veins. He wants to lap you all up. Every last drop. But throughout all of that, he'll love you and you'll love him. It's our fucking biology Isabella." Victoria crooned into my ear.

Love?

"We're going to save you all of that suffering and give you one option. Join us or we'll kill your ghastly human father, your stinking werewolf, Edward, and his entire fucking family. And then we'll kill you, after you've watched them all die.

"Oh, but you can get Edward back, should you choose to… as a vampire…you can get any piece of him you want," she released a shrill laugh. "His nose, his dick…hell, you'd even settle for a finger or two, isn't that right?"

Without hesitation, all the fury welled up inside me and burst. I held my breath, raised the gun, and shot James twice in the kneecap and once in the stomach. He immediately fell backwards into the pond, and, having to choose between saving him or chasing after me, Victoria threw me to the ground and ran after James's flailing body.

I bolted into the forest and looked back in time to see the water bloom red.

As I ran through the trees, I couldn't help but think about what I'd done to get me precisely at this moment. Everything connected me to this moment. Everything. Me. James. Edward. The build up exploded into something a little less than fanfare.

I could hear my heartbeat race through my ears. Though it was deafening, I heard every twig under my bare feet snap. I heard my breath coming out in raspy pants.

No light touched the forest floor tonight. It was cloudy and moonless. There were no streetlights here. No stars. No movie theatre arrows to show me the way. I ran into tree after tree. Tripped over roots, over my own bleeding feet.

I somehow made it onto the road a few long moments later and was instantly vaulted into the air.

My mind suddenly cleared.

There were three things I was absolutely positive of. First, Edward and his family were vampires. Second, there was a part of him, and I wasn't even sure which one I held with, that either desired or despised me. And third, Victoria was going to kill me.